I’m heterosexual – and, wow, do I have a lot of rights

October 7, 2009 by  

My friends, I have long withheld this information, as I’ve long believed that my sexuality is no one’s business but my own. However, after seeing recent studies and news reports, I believe that now is the perfect time to come forward and admit what so many have long believed:

I am heterosexual. And let me tell you something, it’s freakin’ fantastic.

Now, I know all about Gay & Lesbian pride. The LGBT community is proud of who they are, and they at least have that right. But seriously, I’m not trying to gloat here, but being a heterosexual kicks ass. If there is a right available, I have it. I’m hetero, and like the Founding Fathers wanted, I win.

Before you get angry at me for bragging, let’s just go through some simple facts that prove being a heterosexual is like winning the lottery of rights, benefits and advantages:

  • I got to marry the person I love;
  • I can’t be fired from my job for being heterosexual;
  • I never was thrown out of school for being my heterosexual self;
  • If I was in the military, I could openly discuss my sexuality and not be fired;
  • Mormons will never rally together to deny me anything;
  • The Pope will never denounce me for being heterosexual;
  • I get every Social Security benefit available;
  • My marriage is accepted in all 50 states;
  • My heterosexuality would never get in the way of my ability to adopt;
  • No one will commit violence against me, or murder me for being heterosexual.
  • Entertainers don’t insult me or incite violence against me for being heterosexual;
  • Hell, there’s a lot more things my heterosexuality gets me. I didn’t even include the more than 1,000 rights and benefits bestowed upon me for being allowed to marry. Did you know that my Spouse’s flower sales count towards meeting the eligibility for Fresh Cut Flowers and Fresh Cut Greens Promotion and Information Act? Or that I have the Right to continue living on land purchased from my spouse by the National Park Service when easement is granted to my spouse? Neither did I, but I have those rights, as well.

    Oh yeah, and I’ll save roughly $400,000 by being heterosexual.

    Basically, being a heterosexual means I have so many more rights than gays & lesbians that there are a shitload of rights and benefits I have that I don’t even use or need. And I don’t have to march, protest or fight for any of them.

    So my friends, you better recognize. I have more rights, less expenses, less chance of being beaten, less chance of being disowned by family, and tons of other benefits, rights and advantages. Because I fell in love with, and desire a person of the opposite sex. For this, my life is clearly better than anyone who is gay or lesbian.

    The United States has made it clear – I am heterosexual and my life is better than the lives of gays and lesbians because of it. And, in the end, isn’t that what being American and living in the land of the free all about?



    18 Responses to “I’m heterosexual – and, wow, do I have a lot of rights”

    1. brantl on October 8th, 2009 4:31 am

      Excelllently well said.

    2. Mika on October 8th, 2009 5:45 am

      actually you can be fired for being heterosexual. Your orientation in the workplace is not protected either. Its just really unlikely, given the privilege.

    3. Sandra Odell on October 8th, 2009 6:14 am


    4. David Loftus on October 8th, 2009 7:38 am

      Okay, but that leaves me with one question: How do you rate?

      I’m not going to make any public statement about whether I might or might not be heterosexual, either way.

    5. Eric Sheptock on October 8th, 2009 8:41 am

      Being heterosexual doesn’t guarantee that everyone will find the right mate. Check out the divorce rate. Besides, when will the Mormons decide whether or not they believe in polygamy? When will the heteros who like the idea of polygamy be allowed to have multiple wives? I can have multiple girlfriends and get them all pregnant legally (if I weren’t shooting blanks); but I can’t marry more than one of them. I can do all the things of marriage with an unlimited number of women but go to jail if I marry more than one. How much sense does that make?????

    6. Feo Amante on October 8th, 2009 9:19 am

      Coolness! I came here by way of Facebook and Adam T. Castro. Very well put.

    7. Robb on October 8th, 2009 9:53 am

      See how obvious it is to make the CHOICE to be gay? Who would want to have all those extra benefits?

    8. The Big Blue Frog on October 8th, 2009 1:43 pm

      And yet, as an atheist, you’re less likely to be elected to a political office than a homosexual.

    9. Ed on October 8th, 2009 6:41 pm

      People need to take responsibility for choosing to be gay, or unemployed, or Mexican.

    10. dgun on October 9th, 2009 3:37 am

      Lou Dobbs devotes hours on the subject of gay unemployed Mexicans. Makes me wonder if he is a gay unemployed Mexican.

    11. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Gay Rights Now(ish)! on October 29th, 2009 4:39 am

      [...] In 2009, the Lesbian and Gay communities are now fighting to have the same freedoms and rights as other Americans. Currently, gays and lesbians aren’t allowed to serve in the military unless they keep a large part of themselves hidden. Likewise, the multitude of rights provided to married Americans just do not apply to the gay and lesbian community. [...]

    12. Andrew Kessinger on October 30th, 2009 5:48 am

      You, sir, are my new hero.

    13. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » It has always been so on November 4th, 2009 5:40 am

      [...] To put it as simply as possible, as of today, Nov. 4, 2009, members of the LGBT Community do not have the same rights as a heterosexual white male like myself. In the eyes of the United States Government, I am more deserving of rights than any Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered person. [...]

    14. I am a Conservative « Politics « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on August 19th, 2010 6:31 am

      [...] I believe people with different sexual preferences than I should have all the rights I have. [...]

    15. Out of the Shell « Chronicles « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on September 23rd, 2010 11:10 am

      [...] serve in the military, couldn’t adopt children, couldn’t get married, and were denied an almost incalculable amount of rights that Abstainers [...]

    16. sassy martini on October 7th, 2010 2:21 pm

      The reason the divorce rate is high is because people just give up, or rushed into something to soon. but that doesn’t mean it cant work. Their are things that a couple can do to fix a marriage. and also who ever told someone that marriage is easy well no one, so yeah we have to work hard to keep marriage strong, but just because you hit a ruff spot in a marriage doesn’t mean walking away will solve your problem. most divorce people are lonely and bitter. and its no wonder because they gave up. if you are going to give up on marriage well then then we are nothing but a bunch of losers.
      we matters give up on everything else because that means we are all just quite when hard times get ruff.
      and then people think well that must mean I should be gay because I cant understand the opposite sex. Wrong! it mean their is something wrong with you instead of going against nature fix yourself.
      it could be you have trust problems because a man or women really hurt you. well get the hell over because if you don’t get over that one person that hurt you then you will never find a stable relationship.

    17. Desecration – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia « brianpweber on January 15th, 2012 5:48 pm

      [...] 4)  Anti-Utah Confusion:  Utah views are inverted by those with a confusion agenda.  For example, they might invert the fact that Utah is anti-gay marriage.  American’s lose financially if you invert that they are heterosexual.  http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/2009/10/07/im-heterosexual-and-wow-do-i-have-a-lot-of-rights/. [...]

    18. Soccer player Robbie Rogers comes out – Like a fart in the ocean « Lgbt Issues « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on February 18th, 2013 4:44 am

      [...] fight obviously continues. Aside from marriage equality, there are still too many rights the LGBT community do not receive. But with his teammates’ support and the general public treating his announcement like a fart [...]

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