How to be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” by Patrick Byrne
October 23, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne has been spending a lot of time on the Fox Business Network. A couple days ago, Byrne was on FBN’s Happy Hour, refusing to disclose that his company is being investigated by the SEC. But a few days before that, Byrne was on FBN’s “Scoreboard,” where host David Asman gushingly referred to Byrne as a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism.”
Thinking about that, I figured it would be good to give people a five-point plan on how to be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” ala Byrne:
1) Have a rich father or mother. This is a must.
2) Have that parent buy you a company.
3) Never make a profit and blame endless array of bad financial reports on software glitches.
4) Get investigated by the SEC twice in three years.
5) Blame everything on naked short sellers.
Seriously, just follow these steps that worked so well for Byrne and you, too, will be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” and appear on Fox Business Network. Oh, and give a lot of money to the GOP while you’re at it, just in case.
–WKW
I asked my dad to buy me eBay. After he asked “what’s eBay”, he said no. Apparently retired truck drivers don’t understand what it takes for their offspring to become successful entrepreneurs.
You had your shot at the American Dream, you blew it by being born to the wrong parents. Now please quietly go to the end of the line.
I have one more shot. I wonder how much a retired probation officer can spare.
* asks mom *
Well I’m making some progress. She had heard of eBay.
If I had known you get a title like “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” when you run a company into the ground, I would have done that years ago. And then I’d go from company to company with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a parrot, and run them all into the ground.
Years ago, I wrote a short story about a man-child with wealthy parents who decided he’d be a pirate. So he kidnapped the butler, stole the yacht, and proceeded to plunder Cape Cod. Odd how reality catches up to fiction.
Apparently, it would take CEOs dressing that way for the US Government to recognize them for what they are.
Reporter: “What do you have to say to the American Tax Payers after taking $50 billion of tax payer money to save your company?”
Citigroup pirate: “Argh?”
I asked my parents to buy me Amazon.com. They said, “sorry, we already put you thru Smith College and Yale, we can’t afford it. How about a Kindle?”
I guess that’s all I have to look forward to this holiday season, a Kindle.
But the Fox Business Network does have its uses — does anyone doubt that Satan (should he exist) keeps it on constantly to torment new arrivals to his domain, along with the collected speeches of Bush the Junior?
BTW, the FBN show that so lauded Byrne did tip its hat, so to speak — it is called ‘Happy Hour’ after all. Doesn’t that show follow FBN’s ‘Meth Lab with John Stossel’?