Karzai retains Presidency, names Andre Agassi new Afghanistan Drug Czar
November 2, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
AFGHANISTAN – Proud Afghans stood outside the home of Hamid Karzai this morning, cheering the re-election of the Afghanistan President after Afghan officials canceled Saturday’s run-off presidential vote following the withdrawal from the race of the last challenger, Abdullah Abdullah.
Shouting slogans like “Yes We Can,” “Change we can believe in,” and “Can your brother score me a dime bag?” Karzai supporters partied into the early hours of the morning, celebrating the victory. In a brief statement, Karzai applauded his supporters’ help.
“Without you voting, we could never have changed you votes,” said Karzai. “Your support has been vital, especially those of you that voted several hundred times.”
Dr. Abdullah, who dropped out of the race Sunday, called the election a “victory for Democracy that sets Afghanistan on the path to liberty and freedom.”
“Mmmphh, grrsszz, bbllpphhhh,” said Abdullah with a gun lodged firmly between his teeth. “Brrrrkks. Brrrvvll, gaaaa.”
Karzai was quick to make changes to his cabinet, naming former tennis superstar Andre Agassi as his new “Drug Czar.”
“Anyone who can win the U.S. Open while hopped up on Meth is the perfect addition to my cabinet,” said Karzai. “He will work closely with my brother on drug issues.”
Karzai’s victory was also a victory for the United States Central Intelligence Agency, which devised the political strategy that led Karzai to his win.
“This is part of our ‘permanent American Majority’ plan,” said CIA Director Leon Panetta. “By playing all sides of this election, we were able to get the result we wanted, at the low price of 833 U.S. troops. It’s a proud day, indeed.”
Critics of the controversial election were generally quiet and mostly duct-taped to chairs in undisclosed locations. American critics on both the left and the right were also quiet about Karzai’s victory, preferring to focus instead on the more Twitter-friendly issue of Iran’s election fraud.
“Ahmadinejad’s so-called victory goes against all democratic principles,” said U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman, pointing out that Twitterers save seven character spaces by focusing on Iran. “Unless Iran can be democratic, we must consider a first-strike attack or at least keep the U.S. from receiving health care to showcase the plight of Iranians.”
–WKW
I believe Ted Haggard has been invited to do the invocation…
King Karzai won that election as fairly as Junior Bush won his in 2000. Hamid showed the foresight to pack the election commission with his in-laws and hangers-on to forestall his possible defeat; Dr. Abdullah took no such precautions, preferring to trust the ballot box, the silly fool.
Aside from that, what self-respecting Afghani would want his country led by a man whose parents couldn’t think up a name for him different from his surname? Abdullah Abdullah — isn’t that like ‘Cher Cher’ or ‘Bono Bono’ or, in Cheney’s case, ‘Dick Dick’? While possibly a good source of amusement, Abdullah would not be able to summon up the necessary gravitas to successfully rule his nation, especially if he had to wear a funny hat and a robe out of a Disney fantasy.
so, the old ‘put the tag of satire on the bottom of the post to fool rush into thinking it’s real news’ gambit’, it’ll never work
But Agassi is soft on crime, as indicated by the fact that he’s committing them. John McEnroe is the guy for the job. Send him over with a tennis racket and a megaphone and he’ll have Afghanistan straightened out in no time. On second thought, the megaphone is not even necessary.
Good point RS RS James James. And DGun DGun has a point about McEnroe McEnroe, but losing him would be far too great a sacrifice for U.S. U.S.
I think I’m seeing double and I haven’t been drinking this morning (yet).
I think Bill Bill is typing with a megaphone megaphone, RS RS.
Thank thank thank you you you, dgun dgun dgun. (I am shouting into the Grand Canyon now.)