Fruit flies ask scientists to get out of their pants
November 6, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
Attn: The Entire Scientific Community
Not long ago, I was greeted the news that some scientists somewhere have found a way to make fruit flies bisexual, and then change them back to heterosexual. As the Director of the Fruit Fly Anti-Defamation League, I feel the time has come for fruit flies to draw a line in the sand. While I hold many scientists in high regard, let me make my point perfectly clear:
Stop fucking with our sexuality.
I mean, holy crap, what sort of fetish do you bastards have, anyway? It seems like every few years, some genius poindexter comes out with a report on the sexuality of fruit flies. In 1995 there was a report on the sexuality of fruit flies. And in 2005. In fact, the Internet is jam-packed with stories of people trying to break down these stories after scientists pump some crazy DNA in our asses (yeah, we have asses).
Well we’ve had enough. Sure, there will be plenty of folks trying to make a big deal about this study, but please remember one thing – we’re fucking fruit flies. I mean, we live like a week. Honestly, I’m spending the best minutes of my life – which will likely be over by Friday – writing this to you.
So for God’s sake, ease off a little, ok? We have enough problems in this short life. No one likes us. We aren’t even allowed in most states. We have real issues that far exceed what you’re trying to prove. And what the hell are you trying to prove, anyway? No matter what your study says, those on the Right (who will somehow find fault in every last thing science accomplishes outside of bomb-making) will interpret it as “Gay people are bad and can be cured” while those on the left will counter with “People on the right are bad and can’t be cured.”
We fruit flies can’t help it that we have a diverse sexual biology. By nature, we’re down for whatever. But we just want to be left in peace. So enough with the tests, ok? Try them out on wasps for awhile. They’re a real pain in the ass.
In the meantime, however, could you just leave our tiny little penises and vaginas alone? Seriously, it’s really getting annoying.
Thank you for your time on this matter,
Tephr I. Tidae
Director, Fruit Fly Anti-Defamation League
–WKW
Originally posted at Shakesville, Dec. 2007
You cannot stop the march of science. But no matter what the wingnuts say, we can always retort that these experiments depend on the theory of evolution to be real.
Fruit flies and potatoes peel out?
At this very moment, David Vitter is frantically Googling “fruit flies diapers,” Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter is scribblin’ something about how the only *real* fruit flies are the ones who live in the small towns across the fruited (no pun intended) plain, and Michelle Bachmann is arranging a corporate-sponsored bus convoy to transport 572 members of a grassroots “Bisexual Fruit Flies Want Obamacare to Murder Your Grandma” protest group.
Sometime next week, Karl Rove will appear on The O’Reilly Factor to express concern that fruit flies seem to be drinking more & having *much* more gay sex ever since Obama got elected, while across the dial Lou Dobbs will claim that bisexual fruit flies and alcoholic Mexican beetles will be eligible for amnesty in a secret executive order to be made public just after the 2010 midterms.
And back here in the real world, a whole bunch of poor people will go another day without being seen by a doctor. But there won’t be a whole lotta headlines about that.
LOL, Mr. McBride. I wonder if the Pentagon has signed a secret contract for remote-surveillance bisexual fruit flies as well.
“Mr. President, we can’t allow a BFF gap between ourselves and the Russians!”
“General Horebrain, doesn’t that stand for ‘best friends forever’? With all of our problems, are you worried about a ‘best friends forever’ gap with Russia?”
“No, sir, it stands for ‘bisexual fruit flies.’”
“You’ve been getting yuor intelligence reports from Wolfrum again, haven’t you?”