Report: Everyone to be Tasered by Year 2015
November 26, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
PORTLAND, Maine – A new report from the Wolfrum Alpha Resource Center states that every man, woman and child will be tasered at least once by the year 2015. Most of the taserings will be quite comical.
“Soon, we’ll reach a point where everyone will have their own taser gun,” said Portland Sheriff Calvin Jarmen. “Then, just sit back and laugh.”
While many have debated the humanity of using tasers to subdue everyone from young girls that won’t do their homework to old ladies that are grumpy, others complain about the sheer comic value of tasers.
“In American comedy, the tasering is a vital plot point,” said film expert Diane Tucker. “You see that and think to yourself, ‘Wow, they went to all the trouble to make it appear they were shooting electricity into Seth Rogan’s skull. This must be funny.’”
Another reason for your eventual tasering is that – as opposed to a gun – taserers have the freedom to be 90-ish percent sure that the tasering won’t kill the taseree.
“And plus, come on, it’s funny,” said comedian Rob Schneider, the current record holder for most On-Screen Taserings with 38. “It’s really a weapon you can build a career on.”
–WKW
Directors tell Rob that due to legal issues they have to use a real taser instead of a prop. It’s one of the longest running practical jokes ever. Literally the whole world is in on it except for poor Rob Schneider.
I’m not worried, we’ll all be gone by 2012 anyhow…
“Tasers don’t even have to be deployed to be useful, (Police Chief James Craig) said.”
“Tasers can reduce the need for officers to use fists, batons, pepper spray or beanbag projectiles to take unruly people into custody.”
“‘Everybody knows about the Tasers,’ Craig said, ‘They say, ‘I don’t want to be Tased.’ ‘”
I also know about fists, batons, pepper spray, and beanbag projectiles. I don’t want an encounter with any of those either. If all these weapons don’t have to be deployed to be useful, why are they deployed at all?
It’s like that new weapon the military developed that shoots you with some sort of ray and makes you feel uncomfortably hot. The police have those as well. What’s the purpose of having it if you’re not going to use it?
Personally, I’d rather have someone punch me than shoot me with a taser. I may get a few bruises or a broken nose, but at least there’s less chance of going into cardiac arrest. I think that will be my line if ever I run into the police. “Please don’t use the taser! Just punch me in the face!”
Then there’s the new ’sonic cannon’ that the military has invested a truckload of taxpayer money in developing that’s supposed to control crowds by amplified high-decibel sound waves. Turns out the devious potential lawbreakers assembled for peace marches have come up with a counter-measure — they’re called ‘earplugs.’ (I am not, as they say, making this up.) “Gosh darn those wily anarchists!” cried Chief Wiggum.