Using Beckian Logic to learn about Tiger Woods’ car crash
November 27, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
When I first saw that Tiger Woods had been in a car accident, I thought, how great, he’s just an idiot like one of us. After all, he was just fine, his ego likely hurt more than his body.
But then I thought to myself – have I learned nothing from Glenn Beck? Sure, it would be easy enough to understand how a busy globe-trotter who lives primarily on Gatorade and has a body-fat percentage of .0006% could pass out. But what’s the use of that?
No, now is the time to speculate. Because if we don’t, who will? And wild speculation is what makes America great; So using Beckian Logic, let me ask:
• Police say alcohol was not a factor. Are they lying?
• Is Tiger Woods on Drugs?
• Is Tiger Woods cheating with actress Rachel Uchitle?
• Does Tiger Woods hate white people?
• Two words: Roid rage?
• Is he now, or was he ever a member of Barack Obama’s e-mail list?
Now, let me tell you, it’s hard asking those questions of such a great champion at such a difficult time in his life? But if we won’t, well, then someone else will beat us to it. So rampant, unsubstantiated speculation is our best bet here. And that is Beckian logic at its best. Because the only stupid question is the ones he constantly thinks he should be “asking.”
Still, we’re glad to hear Tiger’s doing fine.
–WKW
Crossposted at DagBlog.com
Why doesn’t Tiger Woods deny these allegations? I find it suspicious that there all these people saying these things about Tiger Woods and he’s not denying it. You know, if it were me, and someone made these type of allegations about me, I would come right out with a denial. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not Nancy Grace, I’m not saying the guy is guilty, it just seems awful peculiar, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it seem strange that these damning allegations are left unanswered?
(chuckles )
Stalin wouldn’t answer damning allegations either . Now I’m not saying Tiger Woods is Stalin or anything, and yes I’m going to take some heat for this, but doesn’t it make you wonder? I mean, just a little?
Perhaps it’s Woods’ love of Marxism and the writings of Mao that has made him such a consummate golfer and therefore a perfect target for Beck to demand that Obama ban him from the sport forever. I read T.W. also golfed near an oak tree once and you know what oak trees produce — acorns! No doubt that what’s caused him to turn commie and hate America!
You know, I tried to debunk the story that he had snorted all the coke in Peru before getting behind the wheel. It sounded ridiculous, and I tried to debunk it. I really tried to show how this couldn’t happen.
But you know what? I can’t. I just can’t debunk the “Tiger Woods snorted all the coke in Peru and then tried to drive” story. Excuse my tears. I just love my country so much.
you guys crack me up…everyday.
I feel your pain, Michael. (Okay, wrong party. Sorry.) Indeed such charges are hard to debunk. This is not a racist comment in any way, of course, since it’s impossible for white conservatives employed by Fox News to be bigoted, but we all know those dusky gentlemen woof up the toot like a vacuum cleaner. It provides them with the energy they need to play that wild jazz music all night long and do all of the latest dances without looking awkward. And that’s not just me saying it; none other than the former head of the US Federal Narcotics Bureau, Harry J. Anslinger, came to that conclusion aided by the best scientific opinion of his day!
Next Beck will accuse Woods’ of wanting reparations since he carries around irons in his golf bag. “My friends, irons mean only one thing to a man who’s part black — leg irons!”