One-Liner: Milton Friedman’s final miracle

One day in the future, when the world is a smoldering wasteland and just 10 humans remain, one of them will control all the wealth and enslave the others. And that one person will declare it the greatest of all of Milton Friedman’s miracles.

–WKW

Fruit flies ask scientists to get out of their pants

Attn: The Entire Scientific Community

Not long ago, I was greeted the news that some scientists somewhere have found a way to make fruit flies bisexual, and then change them back to heterosexual. As the Director of the Fruit Fly Anti-Defamation League, I feel the time has come for fruit flies to draw a line in the sand. While I hold many scientists in high regard, let me make my point perfectly clear:

Stop fucking with our sexuality.

I mean, holy crap, what sort of fetish do you bastards have, anyway? It seems like every few years, some genius poindexter comes out with a report on the sexuality of fruit flies. In 1995 there was a report on the sexuality of fruit flies. And in 2005. In fact, the Internet is jam-packed with stories of people trying to break down these stories after scientists pump some crazy DNA in our asses (yeah, we have asses).

Well we’ve had enough. Sure, there will be plenty of folks trying to make a big deal about this study, but please remember one thing – we’re fucking fruit flies. I mean, we live like a week. Honestly, I’m spending the best minutes of my life – which will likely be over by Friday – writing this to you.

So for God’s sake, ease off a little, ok? We have enough problems in this short life. No one likes us. We aren’t even allowed in most states. We have real issues that far exceed what you’re trying to prove. And what the hell are you trying to prove, anyway? No matter what your study says, those on the Right (who will somehow find fault in every last thing science accomplishes outside of bomb-making) will interpret it as “Gay people are bad and can be cured” while those on the left will counter with “People on the right are bad and can’t be cured.”

We fruit flies can’t help it that we have a diverse sexual biology. By nature, we’re down for whatever. But we just want to be left in peace. So enough with the tests, ok? Try them out on wasps for awhile. They’re a real pain in the ass.

In the meantime, however, could you just leave our tiny little penises and vaginas alone? Seriously, it’s really getting annoying.

Thank you for your time on this matter,

Tephr I. Tidae
Director, Fruit Fly Anti-Defamation League

–WKW

Originally posted at Shakesville, Dec. 2007

Damn, my dogs sure are a pack of Nazis

When people learn that I have four dogs, they immediately comment that I must be a crazy dog person. And I really can’t argue with that assessment. I’m a crazy dog person, what can I say. I love my little pack, and would probably give them total control of my home if they had the presence of mind to ask.

Still, not all is wine and Milkbones with my pack. You see, my dogs are Rawhide Bone Nazis. I start doling out the bones, and they go completely National Socialist German Workers’ Party on me.

It starts simply enough. I’m at a store and see rawhide bones and despite my knowledge that all hell will break loose if I buy them, I buy them anyway. If you’re a dog lover like me, you understand. If nirvana is a place you want to be, few things will help you get there like feeding a dog. Even a Nazi dog.

First there’s Duchess, my Australian Shepard. If ever a dog was sweeter, I’d like to meet it, because Duchess is a truly loving soul. But if I give her a rawhide bone, she goes after it the way Hitler went after homosexuals and the disabled. I could give her a rawhide bone the size of Goebbels, and she’d still devour it in a matter of seconds. It’s kind of frightening to watch, actually. She goes totally Nazi on the thing and then spends the next few days expelling Hitler Youth-sized rawhide chunks.

Jack (a Boston Terrier) and Afonso (our infamous mutt) have a whole other approach when getting rawhide bones. They get more paranoid than Eva Braun must have been when she was in the bunker with Hitler. Jack – who loves humans more than Hitler loved rounding up and killing Jews – immediately turns on us. He becomes convinced that the main reason we gave him the bone in the first place was so that we could take it away from him. So he buries it. Then, moments later, he digs it up and eats it. Jack prefers his bones a la Dirt, I suppose. Like the dirt the Nazis used for mass burials of those they murdered.

Afonso is far worse. With the paranoia of an aging Hitler, Afonso goes into SS mode and hides in his doghouse with it. For literally hours, he’ll have the bone two feet away and just watch it, guarding it much like Nazis guarded the concentration camps where they murdered six million Jews. The beauty of it is this – he’ll let you take it away from him and the moment it leaves his sight, he goes back to being his playful self. He goes from Nazi to dog in a split second, and if you give the bone back, it’s right back to Nazi.

Then there’s Max, my other Boston Terrier. The oldest and by far the smartest of my dogs, Max is the only one that remains calm when he gets a bone. He’s the calmest little Nazi of the bunch. He’s learned from years of experience to immediately eat whatever we give him. He knows more is coming, much like the Nazis knew there’d be more trainloads of Jews and other undesirables heading to the concentration camps.

Basically, buying rawhide bones sets off a Holocaust around these parts. Millions of bones have been eradicated and millions of more are on their way. Because I’m a crazy dog person, and I can never deny them, regardless of how Final Solution-y things get around here. What can I say? I love my little Holocaust Hitler Nazi dogs.

–WKW

Democrats announce plans to hold off on agenda until after 2036 elections

Following Tuesday’s nightmare elections that saw their party lose gubernatorial races in New Jersey and Virginia, many Democrats have sounded the alarm – the time to pass their agenda is not quite here yet.

Despite holding commanding advantages in both the House and Senate, many Democrats have said they are afraid to frighten off voters by being too aggressive in achieving their aims. With that in mind, several Red-State Democrats have come forward to announce their plans to wait until after the 2036 elections to further pursue the Democratic agenda.

“While we understand that we were voted in for specific reasons, we can’t allow our work in Washington to overshadow our need to remain in office,” said Blue Dog Democratic Sen. Ben Nelson. “We believe that after the 2036 elections, we’ll have the super hyper majority that we’ll need to accept that we have a mandate.”

Other Red State Democrats seemed even more skittish about working on issues like health care reform, finance reform, ending the NSA eavesdropping program, climate change reform and other issues many Democratic voters hold close to their heart.

“This off-year election was a real eye-opener,” said Democratic Sen. Blanche Lincoln. “There are now two – not one – but two Democrats that are no longer governors. By being so active in Congress, we risk more losses. I say wait until 2042.”

When asked what Democrats planned to do for 37 years while awaiting their super hyper majority, one Senator who would not go on record said the strategy will be simple.

“Fund raise and campaign,” said the Democrat. “You can never fund raise and campaign enough.”

Nelson, an important swing vote in the current health care reform battle, said he thought Obama’s agenda would eventually be pushed through, but that now was not the time.

“People need to be saying slow it down and don’t add more to the deficit,” said Nelson. “We will pass President Obama’s agenda. But when I say President Obama, I mean Sasha.”

–WKW

One-Liner: A no-good, shiftless socialist appendix

The Glenn Beck revolution began yesterday, as doctor’s removed his appendix after he was informed it was a lazy, shiftless socialist that did nothing all day except plot how to kill everything around it.

–WKW

In closed-door meeting, Lieberman & Blue Dogs put pressure on Ben Nelson to kill Public Option

“MartyEisenstadt” poses for a photo with Sen. Joe Lieberman – moments before Lieberman and Blue Dog Dems invaded Sen. Ben Nelson’s office for some arm-twisting.

Sometimes, it takes a hoaxer to uncover a real story. This is a true story as related to me by Eitan Gorlin.

Martin Eisenstadt creators Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish were in Washington D.C. today, tooling about Congress pressing the flesh to promote their new book “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans.” According to Gorlin, the two had given an autographed copy of the book to Sen. Tom Harkin (Mirvish once worked as a speechwriter for Harkin) as well as Sen. Ben Nelson.

Moments after the picture was taken, however, Gorlin informs me that Lieberman, along with Blue Dog Democrat Senators Mary Landreau and Blanche Lincoln and one Senator they couldn’t identify went into the office of fellow Blue Dog Ben Nelson, leaving the Eisenstadt duo behind.

“I posed for a the picture with Lieberman and he asked my name. I said “Marty Eisenstadt,’” said a laughing Gorlin, the face of the infamous hoax neocon pundit. “We were just kind of schmoozing with people outside Nelson’s office, and one by one, every moderate senator walked into Nelson’s office.

“There was no press or staff and they all looked very stern,” continued Gorlin. “It was obvious what was happening. Nelson is the swing vote on health care reform and everybody in Washington is talking about him.”

Nelson previously called the Public option a “Deal-Breaker,” but has recently softened his stance.

“He made it clear that he is open to the public option. That’s not a line in the sand where he says it must be off the table for him to move forward on health care reform,” Nebraska Democrat Jane Kleeb.

So will Nelson go against the public option now that it appears Lieberman – who has said he would filibuster the bill due to the public option – is actively campaigning against it? Gorlin said that while he wasn’t privy to what went on in the meeting, so many moderate Dems at Nelson’s office gavethe strong appearance of what went on inside.

“You’re going to see Nelson come out against the health care reform bill, I’m sure of it,” said Gorlin.

–WKW

One-Liner: Sex videos via NOM

National Organization of Marriage Spokesperson Carrie Prejean’s Sex Video. No one could have possibly anticipated those nine words aligning.

–WKW

We SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews demand our own Health Care Reform “Pay-for-Pray” Provision

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his followers at 3 p.m.

“My friends, I have always been open about my religious beliefs because I firmly adhere to the concept that what makes this nation great is freedom of religion. Whether you are a Scientologist, Mormon, Satanist, Christian, Muslim or Jew, you have the right to worship as you deem fit.

Now, as most of you are aware, I have long been a practicing Scientologist Mormon Satanist Christian Muslim Jew. The reason behind my multiple, and often conflicting beliefs is due to the fact that I’ve extrapolated Pascal’s Wager to its furthest conclusion. Basically, when I die, I’m covered regardless of who’s actually running this show. So I got that going for me.

Nonetheless, being a SciMoChristoSatanIslaJew is not easy. For instance, if I come down with a cold, the sheer amount of prayers and rituals I have to go through is staggering. It’s a non-stop day of rosary beads, praying to mecca, shedding Thetans, slaughtering goats, fasting and devouring live baby heads. And the tithing. Dear Lord, the tithing.

Being that baby heads, goats and rosaries don’t grow on trees, you can imagine the money I have to pay for the health care that my religions demand. This is why I and other SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews are demanding to be treated with the respect we deserve. We demand that the current health care reform bill cover our wide variety of needs.

This is not an outrageous request. After all, the current health care reform bill already has a provision which would prohibit the government from discriminating against “religious and spiritual health care.” Simply put, if you pray, the federal government will pay.

For me, however, simple prayer isn’t enough for my religious and spiritual health. My health is incredibly demanding spiritually. Like the other day, when I sprained my wrist and was forced to drink South African weasel blood. Hell, up until then, I wasn’t even aware there were weasels in South Africa. But let me tell you, there are, and those little critters are just packed with blood. And they don’t come cheap.

This is why all American taxpayers must fund my religious and spiritual health care. Because if Christians are going to be singled out as deserving of compensation for their beliefs, so should we Pascalian SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews. It’s fair, and its the American way for all Americans to support the religious beliefs of others.

So please, help me in my pursuit to stay spiritually and physically healthy by forcing the federal government to pay for my rituals of praying to Jesus, Allah and God while purging myself of Thetans and goring on baby heads and weasel blood. And the tithing. Dear Lord, I could use some help with all the tithing.

Please contact the Freedom from Religion Foundation and tell them “Yes! We all should pay for someone’s religious beliefs, regardless of how complicated and often illegal they are!”

Thank you, and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

–WKW

It has always been so

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

_________

That the United States of America was founded as a great experiment in freedom has always been somewhat of an unintended practical joke. The great freedoms espoused in such documents as the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights have always had the world’s attention. But these freedoms Americans so revere have been countered by the importance of defining which Americans were deserve such freedoms. It has always been so.

While insinuating that the Founding Fathers were pulling a practical joke is a polemic sentiment, how else can one interpret any document that begins with “all men are created equal” and then immediately follow it with a definition of slaves as 60 percent of a person?

Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.

As English abolitionist Thomas Day wrote in a 1776 letter: “If there be an object truly ridiculous in nature”, “it is an American patriot, signing resolutions of independency with the one hand, and with the other brandishing a whip over his affrighted slaves.”

Such has always been the paradox of the United States. While words such as “Freedom” and “Liberty” are shouted with such jingoistic and patriotic glee, these freedoms have always been the sole property of the majority. It has always been so, and millions of Americans from every era have fought hard to ensure that these freedoms only apply to “Real Americans.”

Yesterday in Maine, we saw the majority gain its latest victory in its perpetual battle to keep the minority beneath them, as voters in Maine overturned the state’s Gay Marriage law. For now, the people have spoken, and their words are as old as the Union itself – Americans have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, provided the majority doesn’t have to share these rights with any minorities that are morally unacceptable, be they slaves or gays.

Because while America has always been a nation that preaches freedom, the preaching of religious fundamentalists has always had a deciding vote in who deserves these freedoms. And with Proposition 8 in California and yesterday’s vote in Maine, these fundamentalists have made it clear with their words and dollars – the LGBT Community is not worthy of having the same rights as others.

The election of Barack Obama was, to many, a mandate for freedom. But, in Maine, we saw how Obama has handled Gay Rights issues. Because while they had the money and time to campaign for Dave Corzine’s failed bid to be re-elected as Governor of New Jersey, both he and the Democratic Party were silent and even disinterested in Maine’s Gay Marriage referendum.

Six months ago, the Los Angeles Times presciently defined Obama’s role in the fight for Gay Rights thusly:

“Although he appears willing to sign gay rights bills, he takes a curiously passive approach to ensuring that such legislation actually gets to his desk.”

Basically, if you can get Gay Rights legislation to his desk, he’ll sign it. But don’t expect this transcendent President – the first member of a minority to ever hold the office – to use up any of his political capital fighting for the rights of others. Such fights are for candidates in speeches to the disaffected, they are not the type of fights an elected official has much interest in. Not when there are millions of religious votes to be had.

Still, Tuesday’s elections did have its bright side for Gay Rights activists, as voters in the State of Washington narrowly voted to increase “Domestic Partnerships” – giving gay marriage advocates a partial victory.

But, as it always has been, the freedoms promised by the United States are still separated by nebulous walls. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is still the law of the land, and gays and lesbians still get fired for having a sexual preference that religious fundamentalists abhor. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is still on the books – and has been vociferously defended by the Obama Administration – meaning that as of today, a married same-sex couple in Vermont is not a married couple in Maine. And Gays and Lesbians can still be fired from their jobs due to their sexual preference as the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) slowly makes its way through the Senate.

To put it as simply as possible, as of today, Nov. 4, 2009, members of the LGBT Community do not have the same rights as a heterosexual white male like myself. In the eyes of the United States Government, I am more deserving of rights than any Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered person.

These rights will never be given to the LGBT Community without a fight. Freedom, especially in the United States, is predicated on fighting for those freedoms. And the fight will continue, and the voices will get louder until they can no longer be ignored.

Because despite it all, there is one advantage that the LGBT community owns. And that is the fact that those in federal and state governments just don’t care who has the rights promised in the Founding Fathers’ documents. What they care about is money and votes. It has always been so. And the Milton Friedman revolution has given them all the money in the world. The economy is now the sole possession of the U.S. Government and their corporate sponsors. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness are little more than irksome side issues.

This is why the LGBT Community will – with the help of allies that truly believe in freedom and liberty – eventually gain the rights that will make them five-fifths of an American citizen. This great practical joke of liberty will eventually become a literal truth for the LGBT Community, as it is for myself and others in the majority.

That it will require a tireless and endless fight goes without saying. For any minority, the fight for equal rights is a long and arduous one, filled with small victories and big losses. But the brave and unstoppable fight by Gay Rights activists will eventually turn the politically impossible into the politically inevitable. It has always been so.

–WKW

One-Liner: The Equal bias of Fox & MSNBC

One need only visit MSNBCNation.com to see it’s obvious that Fox News and MSNBC are equally biased.

–WKW

One-Liner: Pretend Conservatives

What do Roland Hedley, Martin Eisenstadt, Stephen Colbert & Joe Lieberman have in common? All will pretend to be conservative for the right price.

–WKW

Karzai retains Presidency, names Andre Agassi new Afghanistan Drug Czar

AFGHANISTAN – Proud Afghans stood outside the home of Hamid Karzai this morning, cheering the re-election of the Afghanistan President after Afghan officials canceled Saturday’s run-off presidential vote following the withdrawal from the race of the last challenger, Abdullah Abdullah.

Shouting slogans like “Yes We Can,” “Change we can believe in,” and “Can your brother score me a dime bag?” Karzai supporters partied into the early hours of the morning, celebrating the victory. In a brief statement, Karzai applauded his supporters’ help.

“Without you voting, we could never have changed you votes,” said Karzai. “Your support has been vital, especially those of you that voted several hundred times.”

Dr. Abdullah, who dropped out of the race Sunday, called the election a “victory for Democracy that sets Afghanistan on the path to liberty and freedom.”

“Mmmphh, grrsszz, bbllpphhhh,” said Abdullah with a gun lodged firmly between his teeth. “Brrrrkks. Brrrvvll, gaaaa.”

Karzai was quick to make changes to his cabinet, naming former tennis superstar Andre Agassi as his new “Drug Czar.”

“Anyone who can win the U.S. Open while hopped up on Meth is the perfect addition to my cabinet,” said Karzai. “He will work closely with my brother on drug issues.”

Karzai’s victory was also a victory for the United States Central Intelligence Agency, which devised the political strategy that led Karzai to his win.

“This is part of our ‘permanent American Majority’ plan,” said CIA Director Leon Panetta. “By playing all sides of this election, we were able to get the result we wanted, at the low price of 833 U.S. troops. It’s a proud day, indeed.”

Critics of the controversial election were generally quiet and mostly duct-taped to chairs in undisclosed locations. American critics on both the left and the right were also quiet about Karzai’s victory, preferring to focus instead on the more Twitter-friendly issue of Iran’s election fraud.

“Ahmadinejad’s so-called victory goes against all democratic principles,” said U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman, pointing out that Twitterers save seven character spaces by focusing on Iran. “Unless Iran can be democratic, we must consider a first-strike attack or at least keep the U.S. from receiving health care to showcase the plight of Iranians.”

–WKW

« Previous Page