America: One Nation, Under God, Gazing at Penises
December 3, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
For more than 30 years, Americans of all sizes, shapes and colors admired Tiger Woods and his golf game. Now, when the name Tiger Woods is mentioned, you can only think of one thing – his Penis.
America has long been under siege by Penises, but over the past decade or so, Penises have come to dominate the political and cultural landscape. Much like fascists and racists, the Penis long kept quiet, patiently awaiting its opportunity to pounce.
That opportunity came in 1995, as then-President Bill Clinton’s Penis gained a level of popularity that the rest of his body could only dream of. Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky – while sad and wrong on a plethora of levels – was the opening the Penis needed, and it slipped from its protective surroundings and demanded a voice of its own.
In the nearly 15 years since, the Penis has grown in stature, becoming one of the most import organs in the body politic. In the years since, we’ve heard from the Penises of Newt Gingrich, Larry David, John Edwards, Antonio Villaraigosa, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard and hundreds of others. Once the Penis is out of the box, there’s no returning it.
This is why it shouldn’t be surprising that the Penis is making a big comeback in 2009. The Penis, you understand, is interested in little more than it’s own needs, thus, regardless of the dangers humanity is facing, Penises will go on their merry way, doing Penisy things and leaving everything fully penised over.
One need only look at the calendar. Today, the United States is fighting two wars (three if you count “The War on Terrorism”). The entire U.S. economy is now based on a giant Ponzi Scheme. The Health Care Reform Bill is looking like a mandate for failure. Every week, thousands of Americans lose jobs that will very likely never return. The nation is in peril.
Thus enter the proud Penis. It started slowly enough, as political gadfly/hockey player/dad Levi Johnston teased us all about showcasing his Penis on the pages of Playgirl. While this information stopped the national media in its Penis-loving tracks, Young Levi wasn’t up to the challenge, however. But that just led us to the King of Penises.
Yes, Tiger Woods, a man who has only heard praise his entire life, has thrust his penis into the public consciousness, and now, few other issues matter. Who cares about health care reform when you have serious questions regarding the activities and location of Tiger’s Penis? Who cares about war when we could spend time getting to know people who’ve gotten to know Tiger’s Penis.
In the end, one wonders how America will withstand this onslaught of Penises. With so much more important on the plate, now more than ever, we must look away from the Penises and focuses on what matters.
Sadly, history tells us that there is no endgame when it comes to Penises. They will continue to sprout up at the least convenient times and take our attention away from important issues. We just can’t help ourselves, after all, we’re a nation of Penis-Gazers.