And one fact shall rule them all

For Democrats and the media, the fact that Scott Brown won in Massachusetts has completely buried the fact that there are 40 million Americans without health insurance.

–WKW

Jesus Christ joins Marines to get his message out

AFGHANISTAN – Jesus Christ looked through his rifle scope. More than 200 yards away was known Muslim Ali-Aba Khan. With preternatural calm, Christ stared intently, lining up his shot. When he pulled the trigger, the back of Khan’s head exploded. Christ picked up his rifle and walked away.

“The power of Christ compelled him,” said a chuckling Christ.

It was only a few days earlier that Christ – the one and true savior – joined the Marines as a sniper, vowing to spread his message one bullet at a time.

“At first, I just thought the war on terrorism was all about oil,” said Christ – resplendent in his Marines uniform. “Now that I know it’s all about me, well, let’s roll.”

Private Christ added that he made his decision after learning that a Michigan-based company, Trijicon, has a $600-million contract to provide U.S. forces with 800,000 of the rifle sights which are being used in Afghanistan and Iraq. The sights are marked with citations from the Bible, including one that declares that Jesus is “the light of the world.”

Going straight from the right hand of God to the front lines of Afghanistan, Jesus admitted that he should have gotten into the fight earlier.

“Obviously, this has been a Holy War all along,” said Christ. “I was skeptical. But now that we know we’re fighting to create a Christian Middle East, I’m all in.”
[Read more]

Haiti Definitions: Frenzy of Looting vs. Frenzy of Capitalism

When starving earthquake survivors steal bread in Haiti, it’s known as looting. When the IMF and U.S. guarantee massive capital flight from Haiti, it’s called capitalism.

–WKW

Mass. Senate Update: Black Panthers! ACORN! Voter fraud!!

MASSACHUSETTS – In a pre-emptive strike, Fox News, the GOP and the campaign of Scott Brown have come forward to file federal electoral complaints against the Black Panthers and the group ACORN.

“The fact that I haven’t already been declared the winner shows that there is massive voter fraud going on,” said Brown, several hours before the polls closed. “I blame ACORN.”

While there have been no reports of voting irregularities thus far in Massachusetts, Brown announced he has already issued numerous complaints and has sided with other conservatives who have said a Brown loss could only be the result of massive voter fraud.
[Read more]

Everyone in the U.S. loses their keys

AMERICA – The U.S. came to a grinding halt today, as everyone in America lost their keys.

“I could have sworn I put them on the counter,” said Tom Jenkins of Riverside, Calif. “Honest to God, I just can’t remember where I put them. No idea whatsoever.”

Jenkins was far from being alone. Almost simultaneously, more than 200 million Americans lost their house and car keys. Overall, more than 110 million people were unable to make it to their jobs, and many found themselves locked out of their own homes.

“I have a key hidden outside somewhere, but I just can’t remember where it is,” said Jenkins, an air-traffic controller.

Social scientists have long predicted this day would come, however, calling this strangely American phenomenon “The Hamster Effect.”

“Basically, Americans have the memory span of a hamster,” said Scientist Sven Hirsch of the Oslo School for Obscure Studies. “And it seems to be getting worse. Soon we may start calling it the ‘Paramecium Effect.’”

According to Hirsch, Americans enjoy the same personal, long-term memory as all other human beings. But as far as things that happen outside their own personal realm, Americans generally have a memory of 10 minutes or so.

“Put it this way,” said Hirsch. “Americans can remember their wedding day, but can’t remember George Bush’s Presidency or how Republicans govern.”
[Read more]

“The U.S. Economy” as performed by a French Bulldog puppy

Everyone’s rooting for the U.S. economy to get back on its feet. It’s just got to keep trying.

–WKW

Disgruntled Mass. Democrats to vote for Satan rather than Coakley – “That’ll show ‘em”

MASSACHUSETTS – Disgruntled Democrats – unhappy with candidate Martha Coakley – could throw President Barack Obama’s agenda for a loop as a large group of liberal voters have come forward to say that they will write-in Satan as their vote in tomorrow’s special election to fill the Senate seat of the late Ted Kennedy.

“Yeah, that’s right, we’d rather have the Prince of Darkness lead the entire nation into a time of Apocalyptic Hell than vote for a candidate that we don’t particularly care for,” said one Mass. voter. “That’ll show ‘em”

With Coakley running neck-and-neck with Republican Scott Brown, the election has gotten the attention of politicos across the nation. While Brown has unwavering support from Republicans, Democrats have been loathe to rubber-stamp Coakley as the state’s second Senator.

Yesterday, despite a visit from Obama to help her chances, a group of Democrats called “Liberals for Lucifer” stepped forward to say that they would withhold their vote from Coakley, and instead vote for the Prince of Darkness.

“Coakley is a corporate shill and is by no means a progressive,” said Tim Johnson, the leader of the group. “If we can’t have the candidate we want, then we’re more than willing to plunge the Earth into the Apocalypse. Vote Satan.”

For his part, Satan seemed pleased at this turn of events.

“GRAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!” said Satan, who then swallowed a goat and punched a poor person in the head.

A spokesman for Satan translated.

“Satan is thrilled with this opportunity and is ready to represent the people of Massachusetts,” said the spokesman.

“BRAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!” said Satan, who then urinated fire on an American flag.
[Read more]

Tim Tebow’s mom didn’t get an abortion so no woman should have choice – a Super Bowl Special

While the team’s are still undecided, this Super Bowl XLIV promises to be a truly spectacular event where all Americans can come together and be thankful – for the fact that Tim Tebow’s mom didn’t abort him.

From the Denver Post:

Focus on the Family will air a 30-second “life- and family-affirming” television spot, featuring University of Florida star quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam, during the coverage.

The Colorado Springs-based media ministry shot the ad with the Tebows on Tuesday in Orlando, Focus spokesman Gary Schneeberger said Friday. It is set to air before and again during the CBS broadcast of the football championship from Dolphin Stadium near Miami.

Tebow and his mother will share one of their many positive personal stories, Schneeberger said, but he wouldn’t reveal which one. One contender is Pam Tebow’s decision to carry her son to term despite a life-threatening pregnancy in the Philippines, where she and her husband, Bob, were serving as Christian missionaries.

The 2007 Heisman Trophy winner, also known for being home-schooled, winning an NCAA championship and wearing Bible-verse citations inscribed on his game-day eye black, agreed to appear in the ad because the issue of life is one he and his family feel strongly about, Schneeberger said.

The Super Bowl – the perfect place for James Dobson to pursue his theocratic vision of a U.S. where the federal government takes away a woman’s right to have control over her own body.

Tim Tebow and his mom tenderly telling women they are sinners if they do anything other than carry every pregnancy to term during the Super Bowl broadcast. Brought to you by the exact same people who freaked the hell out when Janet Jackson’s nipple made a partial appearance. You judge which is more offensive and which really matters.

–WKW

NBC names Newt Gingrich new host of the ‘Tonight Show’

BURBANK – Following a week that saw its late-night line-up explode in controversy, NBC has now announced that ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will be the new host of the “Tonight Show,” and that the show will be moved to Sunday at 8 a.m.

“We’re really excited about this,” said NBC spokesman Lawrence T. Johnson. “Newt truly speaks to the people and his opinions are really the only opinions athe American people deserve to hear anyway. This move will give a whole new life to the Tonight Show.”

NBC also announced that Conan O’Brien has been fired, explaining that he has long been a thorn in the side of NBC Executives.

“Conan’s a jerk,” said Johnson. “That he would spend 17 years of his life on NBC trying to entertain the public just shows what a jerk he really is. How dare he?”

The move will be an easy one for Gingrich, as he normally spends his Sundays at NBC filming “Meet The Press,” where he has long been a regular guest.
[Read more]

Random thoughts, random things

Just thinking …

One wonders if the allegedly hyper-liberal U.S. media will get around to talking about decades of U.S. involvement in Haiti and the results of that involvement. Ok, no need to wonder – never. So here’s some Chomsky from 2004 to help balance the scales.

In his first-round KO loss to Australian Danny Green, Roy Jones Jr. showed that he no longer has a chin. Or reflexes. Or hunger. Or just about anything a human would need to be a competitive boxer. The result? Big payday versus Bernard Hopkins!

No one could have ever anticipated that Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, in actuality, are mindless racist attention whores, dedicated to ratings and nothing else.

Thank God that Barack Obama finally took the war against Afghanistan seriously. Finally, we’re seeing the number of civilian deaths go up.

Maybe the next President will get around to regulating a financial industry gone mad.

So Arizona is closing its National Parks? If something doesn’t make money, it has no business existing in the U.S. Culture and society be damned.

The year is 2010. And people are standing in a federal court debatying whether Gay and Lesbians are harmful to their own children. Oh yeah, and if you’re Gay or Lesbian and in the military, you’re fucking fired.

If the Saints manage to win tomorrow, I could conceivably get interested in the NFL Playoffs this year. Even though the average NFL game only gives you 11 minutes of actual action.

–WKW

Billy and the Bat-Dog

Billy was afraid of Bats. “Run away!” he’d shreik when he saw one. “It’s a flying Rat!”

But one day Billy stumbled into a Cave, optimistic like a knave. When his wee little eyes adjusted, his mind nearly busted.

“There are Bats everywhere here! I’ve got to get in the clear!”

But as Billy started to flee, his eyes couldn’t believe what they started to see! Right in the middle of those bats so gruesome, was a puppy dog so handsome!

And so Billy took the dog from it’s scary cave and brought him back to his home enclave. And he met Max and Afonso and Duchess and Jack. And the puppy was so happy he knew he’d never go back.

And Billy was happy and named his new Bat-Dog José Aparecido, just to mess with you. But please meet this little dog from the street – if you’re not sure what to say, just call him Zé.

–WKW

Review: The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show

For those of you that enjoy a good serial, I whole-heartedly advise you to spend a little time paying attention to Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne. Because, day-in, day-out, Byrne delivers the goods.

Emotional, paranoid, afraid and angry simultaneously at all times, Byrne is to corporate drama what Meryl Streep is to Hollywood drama. The set-up for the latest episode is apparently an upcoming article by former Fortune and New York Post reporter Roddy Boyd.

In a 5,000-word pre-emptive strike essay at the “All Overstock.com Enemies Must Be Destroyed” Propaganda site DeepCapture.com, Byrne takes time off his CEO duties to pen a 5,000-word diatribe against Boyd.

Some Highlights from: “In Today’s Episode of “Nothing New Under the Sun”: Roddy Boyd Sucks it like he’s paying the rent, Exhibit Z” (after waking up, Byrne apparently crawled back some on the headline, btw), Byrne had these gems:

“that’s him, just above the child porn guy.”

“[C]ompared to Roddy I’ve observed more intellect in a ice addict sitting on the floor of a 7-11 trying to remember how to cook meth out of Comet and Pam Spray, and more dignity in a crackhead living off $2 hand-jobs at the bus station.”

“Well we’re still here and doing quite well, thank you, while your patron David Rocker plays shuffleboard in Florida, muttering my name under his breath like a wino’s lament as he realizes that for years to come his own will give off a foul stench among the smart money set he so desperately aped. “

Roddy Boyd today emerged in possession of this material, which he proceeded to use in a clumsy attempt to reclaim his rightful seat at that ongoing hedge fund bukake gig in which he previously held starring role. (He ended up deleting this bit.)

“The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show” is like an episode of “Desperate Housewives” gone horribly, horribly wrong. Sure, Byrne is adorable, and there are more lies than you can naked short sell, but – with Byrne writing late-night manifestos while his super-friend Judd Bagley is bragging to reporters about stalking – you get the nagging suspicion that this may all end with a hostage crisis.

Still, what helps make “The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show” even more of a fun watch is the supporting cast. There’s the aforementioned Bagley – easily one of the creepiest guys in the history of the Internet. And then there’s “Investigative Reporter” Mark Mitchell – easily one of the crappiest writers on the Internet. (Sidenote: Has anyone ever talked to, or seen Mitchell in the last year or so? Because his crappy writing is sure a lot like Byrne’s crappy writing. A possible new sub-plot?)

But it’s Byrne’s show in the end. Emotional, fearful and spoiled, Byrne is a fascinating character. And with a corporate board at Overstock.com that may have gone the way of Mitchell for all we know, Byrne is free to act the petulant child at any and all slights, real or perceived.

Of course, Gary Weiss spoiled the ending for all of us: “summed up in one word: Guilty.”

Until then, however, enjoy the show. It’s a wonderful mix of comedy, SEC investigations, stalking, attacking critics and more. And in Byrne, the Overstock.com saga has a a breakthrough star. More Cliff Clavin than Montgomery Clift, Byrne strikes the perfect balance between paranoid victim and angry crook. With Byrne in the lead role, “The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show” promises to be a hit for the foreseeable future – until it ends dramatically and suddenly. Say in six months or so.

As for me, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the upcoming episode when Boyd’s article comes out.

–WKW

Haiti Earthquake News, updates and links

As the world tries to comprehend just how horrifying the situation is in Haiti, news of the fall-out from the 7.0 Earthquake has steadily been coming in throughout the early morning.

The Christopher Hotel, where the Haitian headquarters of the United Nations were housed, collapsed during the earthquake. With up to 100 U.N. personnel unaccounted for, 16 have been confirmed dead, including 11 Brazilians. (Update: Brazil has now said that 14 Brazilians are among the dead.)

Boing Boing has a collection of links from around the Web, including Pat Robertson’s admission that he’s a soul-less demon.

Google Earth’s satellite images are helping relief organizers and the general public understand the damage that has hit Haiti.

The Huffington Post has updates, as well as video of the quake actually hitting.

The New York Times has photographs that detail some of the destruction.

Crooks and Liars has President Obama’s speech on the Haiti earthquake.

Ways to Help

Several blogs and Web sites have shared ways you can help the international effort in Haiti, including:

• Wyclef Jean
• Google
• Twitter Blog
• 3 Quarks Daily
• Michelle Malkin
• Shakesville
• Blogger Buzz
• Science Blogs
• Friendly Atheist
• Red Cross
• UNICEF
• Partners in Health
• Doctors without Borders

–WKW

Just don’t

Please don’t …

… leave $1 million worth of stuff in your car, like Usher.

… get too clever with a “Got Milk” ad with Rebecca Romijn.

… let Harold Ford fool you.

… eat too much salt.

… pay attention to the Dutch.

… try and pretend you’re Amish.

… forget Haiti.

–WKW

Following the money to a lousy Health Insurance Reform Bill

Just in case anyone was wondering why President Barack Obama has treated the health insurance industry with kid gloves while trying to “reform” the industry, this should explain something:

A new figure, based on an exclusive analysis created for Raw Story by the Center for Responsive Politics, shows that President Obama received a staggering $20,175,303 from the healthcare industry during the 2008 election cycle, nearly three times the amount of his presidential rival John McCain. McCain took in $7,758,289, the Center found.

Change is great, but it will always be the dollars that drive U.S. policy.

–WKW

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