I’ve never been in the military but I know what the troops think

February 4, 2010 by  

I have never served in the U.S. military. It was never really an option for me, as I tend to be quite cowardly and flee at the first sight of trouble. Also, I’m about as disciplined as Dennis Rodman. In fact, not only have I never served, I don’t really even know anyone currently serving. Nonetheless, I know exactly what men and women in the military are thinking.

First off, there are a lot of 18-year-old, old-fashioned, testosterone-laden men in the military who are tough guys. They’re often politically old-fashioned or conservative; they are not necessarily at the vanguard, in many cases, of accepting alternative forms of lifestyle.

Yes, these tough guys (and tough girls, I suppose) are willing to go into enemy territory, fight death-wishing terrorists and do whatever it takes to keep our nation safe. But they’re horrified of gay people. The mere sight of a gay person leads to what they call in the military (I’m assuming) “Spontaneous Pants-Pooping.” These may be brave men and women, but they are mostly conservative and mostly terrified of what someone does in their own bedroom. Trust me, I know.

Despite never having been in the military, I have a stunning deal of knowledge on the subject. After all, I love war. Thus, I’m an expert on those in uniform. Here are some facts you might not have been aware of:

  • All of our troops are Christian. If they weren’t when they joined, they are now.
  • Our troops risk their lives for the American people. Except for the Gay American people. They must fend for themselves.
  • When our troops torture enemies (and all of them torture enemies, all the time) they call it “Happy Fun Time.” Like me, most of them orgasm just thinking about torture.
  • Everyone in the military wants war, perpetually.
  • Everyone in the military under the rank of Colonel has a vestigial tail.

How do I know so much about the mindset of those in the military? Because I’ve watched a lot of movies about war. And after watching them, I know that American soldiers always win. And I know that they, like I love war. But more than anything, I know they are closed-minded and despise gays and lesbians. I do, after all, so they must, as well.



17 Responses to “I’ve never been in the military but I know what the troops think”

  1. Michael on February 4th, 2010 9:11 am

    And let’s not forget, if gays are allowed in the military at all, there will be constant sexual assault:


    It’s not enough that the gays want to break down “unit cohesion” (seriously, how can you not giggle at that phrase in this context), but they aim to turn the whole armed forces into a giant orgy. Because they can’t control their sexual urges.

  2. Bob on February 4th, 2010 12:56 pm

    Everyone in the military under the rank of Colonel has a vestigial tail.

    I love you, man. L.O. effin’ L!

  3. hugh.c.mcbride on February 4th, 2010 1:55 pm

    Quick writing question for you — in order get yourself in the proper mindset for an article like this, do you envision yourself sequestered in a secure undisclosed location, or out shooting a lawyer friend of yours in the face?

  4. William K. Wolfrum on February 4th, 2010 2:29 pm

    I just think back to my multiple deferments.

  5. Hill on February 5th, 2010 5:47 am

    “Everyone in the military under the rank of Colonel has a vestigial tail.”

    Great stuff, Bill

  6. James Lewman on February 5th, 2010 8:15 am

    Willy I have served and my only comment to you ROFLMFAO

  7. William K. Wolfrum on February 5th, 2010 8:18 am

    Well thank you for serving James and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks to you also, Hill :)

  8. Ted Benson on February 5th, 2010 8:40 am

    Had you served in the military you would realize that in actuality those at the rank of colonel and above do have vestigial tails. With the possible exception of ADM Mullen.

  9. bondwooley on February 5th, 2010 10:12 am

    Some day we’ll ask how anyone could have thought that any form of a communication gap in the military was a good thing.



  10. Batocchio on February 5th, 2010 10:38 am

    Nicely done. The impolite truth is that men and women are needlessly dead because of policies O’Hanlon zealously pushed, and still pushes. He’s yet to admit his mistakes. O’Hanlon and many other hawks push for more wars in part for validation of their past, colossal errors. It’s not enough for them to be right in the future – they need to have been right. Of course, even if Iraq and Afghanistan magically become peaceful and prosperous, O’Hanlon and his ilk would still have been wrong, and the dead will still be dead. But since O’Hanlon and the “Suck on This” crowd never cared much about human beings to begin with, they can crow about their victory – just as they can boast about their manliness now.

  11. SSG John Harvey (Retired) on February 5th, 2010 10:40 am

    As a retired member of the United States Army I find this article objectionable. Even if it is intended as “satire” it is still sick. It is draft-dodging chicken-hawks like you and Dick Cheney who want war, not members of the military.

    “All of our troops are Christian.” Wrong. I was and still am Unitarian Universalist, not a Christian. I knew Seiks and many other religions in the military.

    If this article is intended as satire label it as such. Even if it is “satire” it is insulting coming from someone with your background. Yes, I read your little About Bill article. I do not care how many fishing boats you worked on. If you consider this article funny you are one sick puppy.

  12. HumboldtBlue on February 5th, 2010 11:10 am

    Having served both the Army National Guard and the U.S. Air Force I can confirm, without a shadow of a doubt that the vestigial tale thing is a bit exaggerated.

    Now, as for the gay orgies, pshaw, they happen all the time anyway. I mean, here you are, a fit, young, horny 19-year old infantry school trainee in the shower with a dozen or other infantry trainees. Let’s just say that infiltration and flanking maneuvers are not only for outdoor classroom instruction (wink, wink).

    Not only that, the most powerful people in the military are gay, why do you think the uniforms are so sharp and that gold lace plays such a huge role?

    It wasn’t long, before I, an upstanding, honorable American Citizen from Real America (Pennsylvania is much realer than say, New Mexico, I mean, it’s not even American, it’s like, Mexican an’ shit) found myself constantly under the white-hot gaze of furiously aggressive bears and it was only my training and expertise in hand to hand combat that I was able to continue to find tits and ass a powerful lure, because I tell ya, 12 swinging cocks in the open shower can be mighty persuasive.

    I made it out, hetero and strong, but I fear, and fear deeply that gay men, who only want to have sex, particularly with unattractive hetero men, are gaining massive strength and using their huge, turgid tools to ruin our great country.

  13. arjuna108 on February 5th, 2010 12:09 pm

    SSG John Harvey (Retired) has got his vestigial tail (Retired) all in a bunch, eh?

  14. William K. Wolfrum on February 5th, 2010 12:46 pm

    I did mess up and forget to mark it as satire. Fixed that.

  15. Dr Rick on February 5th, 2010 3:42 pm

    Great satire, Bill; thanks

  16. Craig 1LT long ago on February 5th, 2010 10:02 pm

    Serving as both an enlisted man and a commissioned officer during the Vietnam War..I can attest to the tail thing…lots of officers had them..even a general I saw naked in the shower.

    Funny thing, however, I saw few tails among the drafted…seems the more evolved of our species didn’t want to be in the military….some how a higher IQ means a smaller tail.

    I suggest all our politicians strip down…bet we find a lot of tails in the repug party…maybe politics should be tail free.

    Power to the tail free!

  17. William K. Wolfrum on February 6th, 2010 10:16 am

    Bob, James, Dr. Rick and others who got what I was doing, thanks. And why should I be right about the vestigial tail when I was wrong about everything else? ;)

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