Smoking Cuban cigar lit with RNC donor check, Michael Steele admits mistakes

NEW ORLEANS – Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele closed the Southern Republican Leadership Conference with a speech that he hoped would help him mute recent criticisms of his leadership, as well as calls for his resignation.

“You can’t please everyone, but you can certainly make them all mad at you at the same time,” said Steele, who arrived at the event in the RNC’s new Gulfstream G550 private aircraft. “Let me be the first to admit that I’ve made some mistakes.”

Steele did not specifically address his organization’s scandals, but did say they were mostly created by the nation’s liberal media.

“Democrats and members of the media are looking for those distractions, and Lord knows I’ve provided a few,” said Steele, resplendently dressed in a T-Shirt that read “Lesbian Bondage is Teh Hawt!”

He said in the end, what mattered most was that the GOP stood together as a unified group.

“They’d love nothing more than for us to keep pointing fingers at me and others instead of talking about Democratic policies,” said Steele, who twice was forced to interrupt his speech as he assisted in an abortion that was taking place back stage. “We’re not falling for that crap.”

Steele said it was time for himself and others to “shoulder responsibility and move on.”

“Let’s tune out all the background noise and go on offense,” said Steele, pausing briefly to relieve himself directly on a photo of Ronald Reagan. “The one mistake we cannot make is to lose.”

Much of his Steele’s speech was spent criticizing Democrats. He said Democratic policies meant there is now an “expiration date on their majority in Congress,” suggesting that Republicans would win back the House and Senate in November.

“Come November, we win, they lose,” said Steele, who often held up a copy of his new book “Let’s Make Government Big Enough That You Can’t Drown it in the Atlantic Ocean.”

Steele – smoking a Cuban cigar he repeatedly lit with RNC donor checks – said Americans are “fed up and ready to throw the bums out in November,” telling the crowd he’s “never seen the kind of anger that is brewing right now.”

Steele also lashed out those who have demanded his ouster.

“It’s obvious that as an African-American, I have a slimmer margin for error than another chairman would,” said Steele, who earlier in the day snacked on arugula at a house party with actor Sean Penn and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Steele finished his speech with his normal refrain.

“Gays and lesbians should be allowed to marry and serve in the military, health care is a right, and deficits are God’s way of saying ‘spend more money,” Steele laughed, before adding. “I’m just kidding, of course. I don’t believe in God.”

–WKW

(Originally posted at Alan Colmes’ Liberaland)

Breaking: Michael Steele floats away in out-of-control weather balloon

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — A homemade helium weather balloon got loose from the Republican National Committee headquarters today, leading authorities on a cross-street chase after Republicans insisted that their chairman Michael Steele was on board.

The out-of-control balloon flew across three blocks before Republicans gave up the search, saying “It’s all in God’s hands now.” GOP officials pleaded with locals to not look for the balloon, or for Steele, as he would have wanted it that way.

“Michael Steele has always been a fiscal conservative and he wouldn’t want us to waste time or money searching for him,” said a GOP official, 10 minutes after the balloon flew away. “It’s now time for us to reflect on Steele’s leadership and ponder why exactly we had a homemade weather balloon in the first place.”

There was no explanation on how Steele managed to exactly get into the weather balloon or how it managed to take off with him in it. The GOP source said those were questions that could probably never be answered.

“He’s gone now and he’ll be missed,” said the GOP source. “What’s important now is that we look forward and pretend that Michael Steele was never actually a part of the RNC. Perhaps then the healing can be begin.”

–WKW

Barack Obama to nominate actor Sean Penn to Supreme Court

WASHINGTON – In a bold effort to try and combat the far-right conservatives George W. Bush nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, President Barack Obama today announced that he is nominating actor Sean Penn to the SCOTUS seat soon to be vacated by Justice Paul Stevens.

“Over the past decade we have seen the Supreme Court move decidedly right of center,” said Obama. “We feel that Justice Sean Penn will help even things out.”

Citing his work in such films as “Fast Times as Ridgemont High” and “Shanghai Surprise,” Obama lauded his choice as a “Great American.”

“In the United States, having differences of opinions is what makes this nation great,” said Obama. “And Mr. Penn has a wide-range of different opinions. Plus, he was just great as Jeff Spicoli.”

Penn, the President of the Hugo Chavez Fan Club, has long been a vocal critic of American policies both home and abroad. Penn stated that he would not allow his critics to define his position as a Supreme Court Justice.

“You know, do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer?” said Penn. “Yeah. You know, but I’m not going to spend a lot of energy on it.”

No one from the Republican Party has yet to comment on the nomination of Penn, as the entire party had either collapsed in a catatonic state, or were hospitalized from having multiple stroke-lettes. TV show entertainer Glenn Beck attempted to comment on his show, but was forced to cancel the broadcast after he swallowed his own tongue.

–WKW

Sarah Palin – Ditching Alaskan people = $12 million; Leaving Alaska a fiscal wreck = priceless

Via Ed Morrissey at Hot Air, it seems that’s Sarah Palin’s decision to ditch the paltry-paying Alaska Governorship has reaped a whirlwind of financial riches – to the tune of $12 million thus far:

“When Sarah Palin decided to resign from office last summer, the decision came in no small part from the need to earn money to defend herself after a barrage of complaints and a highly biased media treatment in the 2008 presidential campaign,” writes Morrissey. “ABC News reports that Palin has succeeded perhaps beyond anyone’s imagining. Counting the book, the lecture circuit, and the media contracts, Palin has made more than $12 million in just nine months.”

Perhaps Palin will be willing to help out her state with a few greenbacks, especially after leaving Alaska with the largest debt burden in the U.S. Via Raw Story:

But when the former vice presidential candidate resigned as governor of Alaska in the summer of 2009, she left the state with a 70 percent debt-to-GDP ratio — the highest state debt burden in the United States.

That’s according to data compiled by the Washington Independent’s Megan Carpentier, who notes that Alaska has a debt burden similar to “that of Jordan and Palin’s favorite health care resource, Canada, and a higher ratio than Ghana, Cote d’Ivoire, India, the Philippines or Uruguay.”

By comparison, crisis-stricken California has a debt ratio of less than 40 percent. All the more confounding about Alaska’s debt is the fact that it is an oil-producing region with a small population to share in that wealth. Oil-rich Alberta, Canada, for example, collects no sales tax and still managed to retire its debt entirely in 2004.

If only other lazy, don’t-want-to-work Alaskans would pull themselves up by their bootstraps, they too could score lucrative appearance fees, pundit jobs at Fox News and TV shows with The Learning Channel. Because, remember, fiscal conservatism starts in your own pocket.

–WKW

Masters Chairman Billy Payne rips John McCain for ‘disappointing all of us’

AUGUSTA – Following a thrilling Masters tournament that saw Phil Mickelson win his third Green Jacket, Masters Chairman Billy Payne spoke out about U.S. Senator John McCain. Once known as a “Maverick,” (McCain has since denied he was ever a maverick), McCain has a long history of adultery, including having an extra-marital affair while married to his first wife.

Payne’s comments were direct and to the point:

“It’s not simply the degree of McCain’s conduct that is so egregious here,” Payne said. “It is the fact he disappointed all of us and more importantly our kids and grand kids.

“Our hero did not live up to the expectations as a role model that we sought for our children.”

Payne’s speech about McCain was unprecedented. He and his predecessor, Hootie Johnson, never before commented on the behavior of a white man outside the course.

“As he ascended in our rankings of the world’s great politicians, he became an example to our kids…,” Payne said. “But as he now says himself, he forgot in the process to remember that with fame and fortune comes responsibility, not invisibility.

“Is there a way forward?” Payne asked. “I hope, yes. I think, yes. But certainly his future will never again be measured only by his performance in Congress, but by the sincerity of his efforts to change… We at Augusta hope and pray that our great champion will begin his new life in his up-coming re-election bid in a positive, hopeful and constructive manner, but this time, with a significant difference from the past. This year, it will not be just for him, but for all of us who believe in second chances.”

While Payne scolded McCain for his adulterous behavior in the past, he reiterated that women have no place at Augusta.

“It’s not that we care about women, per se,” said Payne. “We just expect our men to act with a certain amount of decorum. Women make for great side stories, but they will never be allowed to be members of Augusta National. What would our children and grand kids think if we allowed women here?”

–WKW

Breaking: Jim Carrey not having a breakdown, he’s just an idiot

Now that actor Jim Carrey has found Twitter, he feels that it’s freed him to make fun of other celebrities and be as sexist a jerk and douchebag as he wants to be. Good on him.

But while the actor decries that he’s not having a mental breakdown, one thing is certain – the man is a certifiable, anti-vaxxer idiot that would rather see millions die from small pox and the like than to admit that vaccines don’t cause autism.

–WKW

Alan Colmes allows William K. Wolfrum onto Liberaland as a contibutor

Showcasing a superb sense of humor to those that have made jokes about him in the past, Alan Colmes of Fox News has signed up yours truly as a contributor at his Web site, Liberaland (www.alan.com).

While my first post for Colmes (“Why on Earth does Fox News pay Alan Colmes?”) was rejected, my first two official posts are up:

“Only Chuck Norris can make SCOTUS less Liberal”

“Smoking Cuban Cigar Lit With RNC Donor Check, Michael Steele Admits Mistakes”

In all seriousness, I’d like to thank Alan for inviting me on board and will do my best to make Liberaland less, more, or exactly as liberal as it currently stands. Head on over to Liberaland to see what’s currently being talked about. And if you’re on Twitter, you can find me at @Wolfrum and Colmes at @AlanColmes.

–WKW

Newt Gingrich stars in new Nike “Err Newt” ad campaign

As speculation grows about a potential 2012 Presidential run, ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has teamed up with Nike to produce an advertisement meant to both soften the controversial Republican’s image, as well as sell his new line of products, available at Nike.

The advertisement – which mimic the recent Tiger Woods Nike advertisement – consists of Gingrich staring uncomfortably at the camera, while his two ex-wives – Jackie Battley and Marianne Ginther – speak:

“Newt, we are prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. We want to find out what your thinking was. We want to find out what your feelings are. Did you learn anything?”

Gingrich – a noted Catholic – cheated on both Battley and Ginther. He is currently married to his third wife, Callista, with whom he had previously enjoyed an extra-marital affair while working to impeach President Bill Clinton for having an extra-marital affair.

A Nike spokesperson said they were excited to have Gingrich join their team of superstar adulterers, including Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant.

“We at Nike have had a long and successful track record of promoting adulterers,” said spokesman Scott Reams. “We believe Newt Gingrich is a true hero to Americans that believe marriage is a great way to meet the ladies.”

Nike’s new “Err Newt” line of products – consisting of dazzling neck chains, lotions and disco balls – will appeal to the heretofore untapped adulterer market which they have first discovered with Woods.

“Whether it’s golf or politics, boys will be boys,” said Reams. “And like Tiger, Newt is one of the boys. They just do it.”

Gingrich announced that he will be donating his payment from Nike to Nike Chairman Phil Knight.

“In our current secular-socialist regime, top executives like Mr. Knight need all Americans to come forward and offer them assistance,” said Gingrich, the first Speaker of the House in 208 years to be disciplined for ethical wrongdoing. “It’s time for us all to dig a little deeper for these captains of industry.”

Gingrich will receive at least one perk for his work with Nike, as the company stated that they will donate $2.5 billion to Gingrich’s PAC.

“This has nothing to do with politics,” said Knight. “We just believe in supporting our own. It has little to do with our interest in eliminating the minimum wage and creating new American sweat shops.”

–WKW

Tiger Woods & William K. Wolfrum return to golf course

LAS VEGAS – The golfing world is abuzz as two of the world’s most important golfers – Tiger Woods and William K. Wolfrum returned to the game of golf on Thursday. Woods shot a first-round 68 at the Masters in Augusta, Ga., while Wolfrum shot a 99 at Arroyo Golf Club at Red Rock in Las Vegas.

“It’s just great to be back,” said Wolfrum, a sometimes golf blogger and golf writer. “It feels like I’ve been away forever.

Wolfrum, who has famously never won anything on the golf course, played at TPC Las Vegas on Friday, but said that due to national security concerns, he was unable to announce his score publicly.

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill myself,” said Wolfrum.

Woods – who sits two shots back of the lead following Day 2 of the Masters – was forced to miss time on the PGA Tour after admission of multiple extra-marital affairs. Wolfrum – who sits at home whining that his back is sore after playing twice in two days – was forced to sit out nearly two years from golf due to not having any scandalous sex, and for having a very good marriage, according to reports.

“Things are really quite stable on the home front,” said Wolfrum. “I guess I just like spending my weekends with my wife.”

Woods will be playing again this weekend as he shoots for his 15th career major title. Wolfrum – using his recent golfing experience as a guide – should play again on March 3, 2012. Wolfrum announced that his reviews of both the Arroyo Golf Club, and the TPC Las Vegas will be appearing at LasVegasGolf.com in the near future.

–WKW

Avatar II: The Tax Revoltening

If you thought the movie “Avatar” wasn’t enough of a trite rehash, just wait until “Avatar 2: The Tax Revoltening.” Coming April 15, this new epic will feature a new Dick Armey led brigade marching on Washington – but this time, they’re doing it virtually*.

Yes, tapping into the Tea Party’s overwhelming desire to stay at home and grunt loudly while wearing their underwear, this march promises to do to the Internet what the Tea Party has done to National Politics – absolutely nothing.

The Online Tax Revolt is open to every American who believes taxes and spending are out of control, harmful to our country and a threat to our nation’s future. Join other Americans as we march online from across the country to Washington, DC and rally together on April 15!

And to take an already embarrassing idea and make it just that much more embarrassinger, everyone involved will have their own Avatar! Some of the luminaries involved (in avatar form) include:

So, if you’re one of thousands of Americans that wants to take their country back but doesn’t really want to commit to it enough to actually leave the house, then join now! Because nothing says Patriotic, Freedom-Loving, Tax-Hater like creating a super-creepy avatar and pretending you’re doing something important on the internet!

–WKW

*Seriously. They’re really doing this.

HT Going Concern

Blogger announces he did not cheat on wife, has grasp of real facts

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA – In a press conference attended only by himself, blogger William K. Wolfrum today announced that he has not cheated on his wife, has no neo-Nazi ties, does not believe the U.S. has fundamentally changed in any major way, and that he tends to have a strong grasp of facts on issues he comments on.

“I’m just this guy, you know?” said Wolfrum.

No one has yet requested an interview from Wolfrum on these claims, nor commented in any significant way.

–WKW

What they’re saying about Paul Foy of the Associated Press

Some people say Paul Foy of the Associated Press is a quality journalist. Others say facts are meaningless to him and he gets paid off to write positive stories about corrupt businessmen.

Being a journalist, it’s not my job to say which one he is. All I can do is present both sides, shrug my shoulders and walk away.

–WKW

Things about the U.S., Part 1

If you can’t look amazing in a bikini two weeks after having a child, you’re lazy and worthless.

–WKW

Pope Benedict shoot & kills God – claims self-defense

VATICAN – Claiming he had no choice and was only protecting himself and his Church, Pope Benedict today shot and killed God. The Almighty was rushed to a nearby hospital but was pronounced dead from the wounds.

The shooting took place moments before the Pope’s annual Easter Mass. During the Mass, the Pope declared that the act of violence was necessary to help stop the “Flood of Gossip” which threatens to derail the church. A senior Pope spokesman later discussed the incident with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Listen, the recent allegations that the Pope protected pedophile priests was the last straw,” said Cardinal Guido Sarducci. “It was time for the Pope to act, decisively and with finality. It was self-defense, plain and simple.”

The Cardinal added that the Catholic Church has too long been beholden to an unreasonable God, who holds high expectations like having Catholic Priests not molest children. By removing God once and for all from the equation, the Pope could finally ascend from mere mortal to true deity.

“We’re the ones who have done the work on Earth and we’re the ones who make the rules,” said Sarducci, calmly smoking a Pall Mall. “So if the Pope says this pedophile controversy is false, then it must be considered false. Praise be to Benedict.”

The Pope was not arrested for the killing of God, nor was he questioned, as such things just aren’t done. Top Catholic Bill Donohue said that the death of God would only make the Church more important to the world.

“God is dead,” said Donohue. “It is time for all nations to come together and realize that they have always been worshiping the word of Man. And that man is the Pope. His word be praised.”

–WKW

Blogger returns to U.S., shocked blood isn’t running in the streets

LOS ANGELES – Brazilian-based American blogger William K. Wolfrum returned to the U.S. yesterday and announced he was shocked how calm things were in the country.

“I really expected the blood of the infidels to be pouring down the streets,” said Wolfrum, a two-time Alaska Press Club Award winner. “But everyone seemed pretty friendly and were just going about their business.”

Wolfrum announced that it was possible, just possible, that a small percentage of politically motivated people were giving many the wrong impression of the United States.

“If you watch Fox News or read blogs, you’d really think people were being dragged from their homes and thrown into gulags,” said Wolfrum,, known best for shrilly screaming that George W. Bush was going to cancel the 2008 elections and declare himself king. “But I suppose with an 84 percent employment rate, most Americans were living normal lives, watching “American Idol” and not threatening anyone.

“You know, it’s possible, just possible that certain media sources are are just preaching panic to a choir while the rest of the nation is doing what they’ve always done,” added Wolfrum.

–WKW

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