Chuck Norris to take over Al Qaeda No. 3 Job
June 2, 2010 by William K. Wolfrum
AFGHANISTAN — American actor and martial arts enthusiast Chuck Norris will take over as the No. 3 man in Al Qaeda, sources say. Norris, known for his hyper-conservative views and Internet Facts, will join the terrorist organization in a private ceremony later today.
While many have voiced confusion about the move due to Norris being an unapologetic Christian, an Al-Qaeda spokesman said it all made perfect sense.
“Listen, whether he’s Christian or Muslim is just semantics,” said the spokesman cowering in a cave. “We all want the same thing, really, whether it’s subjugating women, killing homosexuals or despising American culture. We’re on the same page.”
The job became open earlier this week when former No. 3 man Mustafa al-Yazid was killed along with his family in a U.S. missile strike. Reached for comment, Norris said he was excited about his new job and looked forward to “raining death upon America’s sinful infidels.”
“I love America. I’ve always loved America. I just hate all the people in it, how it’s ruled, and the freedoms it allows,” said Norris. “And you know, these Al Qaeda folks really seem to get me.”
For Norris, the No. 3 job will entail basic terrorist planning, pep talks to future suicide bombers and occasional cooking chores. The Al Qaeda source said his team was thrilled to have Norris on board for a multitude of reasons, but one especially.
“I believe he is unkillable, at least from what I’ve read on the Internet,” said the Al Qaeda source. “More than anything, what we need from our No. 3 man is life on a continuing basis.”
With his new job, Norris will become the highest-ranking American in the history of Al Qaeda, surpassing Donald Rumsfeld who was the No. 5 man for the terrorist group for many years.