Chuck Norris to take over Al Qaeda No. 3 Job

June 2, 2010 by  

AFGHANISTAN — American actor and martial arts enthusiast Chuck Norris will take over as the No. 3 man in Al Qaeda, sources say. Norris, known for his hyper-conservative views and Internet Facts, will join the terrorist organization in a private ceremony later today.

While many have voiced confusion about the move due to Norris being an unapologetic Christian, an Al-Qaeda spokesman said it all made perfect sense.

“Listen, whether he’s Christian or Muslim is just semantics,” said the spokesman cowering in a cave. “We all want the same thing, really, whether it’s subjugating women, killing homosexuals or despising American culture. We’re on the same page.”

The job became open earlier this week when former No. 3 man Mustafa al-Yazid was killed along with his family in a U.S. missile strike. Reached for comment, Norris said he was excited about his new job and looked forward to “raining death upon America’s sinful infidels.”

“I love America. I’ve always loved America. I just hate all the people in it, how it’s ruled, and the freedoms it allows,” said Norris. “And you know, these Al Qaeda folks really seem to get me.”

For Norris, the No. 3 job will entail basic terrorist planning, pep talks to future suicide bombers and occasional cooking chores. The Al Qaeda source said his team was thrilled to have Norris on board for a multitude of reasons, but one especially.

“I believe he is unkillable, at least from what I’ve read on the Internet,” said the Al Qaeda source. “More than anything, what we need from our No. 3 man is life on a continuing basis.”

With his new job, Norris will become the highest-ranking American in the history of Al Qaeda, surpassing Donald Rumsfeld who was the No. 5 man for the terrorist group for many years.



6 Responses to “Chuck Norris to take over Al Qaeda No. 3 Job”

  1. brantl on June 3rd, 2010 7:42 am

    Well put. I’ve noticeed the resemblance between CN and anybody else who runs around grumbling under their breath. All of it amounts to “Get off my lawn!”. What a dope.

  2. John Frum on June 3rd, 2010 8:06 am

    If you were told that in the early part of the last decade a world leader had said, “The infidels penetrated our blessed country, so I sent my soldiers overseas to retaliate and kill them, as God commanded me”…

    …how would you know whether the quote came from Osama bin Laden or George W. Bush?

  3. silverball on June 3rd, 2010 8:24 am

    “Donald Rumsfeld who was the No. 5 man for the terrorist group for many years.”….lol….my thoughts too…who was #4….bush or cheney…?

  4. Batocchio on June 3rd, 2010 8:58 am

    Well done! They really don’t see the similarity, and never will. Principles and ethics don’t exist for them beyond tribal identity.

  5. CB on June 4th, 2010 9:05 am

    Wow – how unfunny and ignorant was this blog? I want my five seconds back!

  6. dgun on June 6th, 2010 11:46 am

    how unfunny and ignorant was this blog?

    The awesomeness of this blog should never be questioned.

    And if you do question it, the consequences are dire, being that I, or someone else, will appear and tell you how awesome this blog is.

    You may go in peace. This time.

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