The Electric Razor and the end of America

September 16, 2010 by  

The first electric razor was patented in 1928. About six months later, the Great Depression hit. This is not a coincidence.

From the moment Col. Jacob Schick decided that electricity was necessary for men to shave their faces, the nation’s fate was sealed. Because once American manufacturers realized they could sell Americans products that simply have no function or value, the entire economy was doomed.

Electric razors are one of the great breakthroughs in marketing history. Simply put, electric razors don’t work. They’ve never worked. They never will work. You’ll get an equally close shave from a pickle.

But they continue to be made and sold. That they continue to exist after 80 solid years of not working is both a tribute to marketing and the sheer stupidity of the American consumer.

Because hidden somewhere in every bathroom is an electric razor that has been used twice and discarded because it made a guy’s face look like it was angrily licked by wolverines. And an electric lady razor that made some poor woman’s legs look like she tried to remove hair via sandpaper and orange peels.

Now, I know there are some of you out there that will swear to me that your electric razor is the greatest and your face feels like a baby’s ass after you use it. We have a word for people like you around these parts – liar. You just aren’t fooling anyone. A Pet Rock is more useful than an electric razor in that at least you can use the rock to hold a door open.

After the electric razor came out, the doors flew wide open. From there came a torrent of Salad Shooters, electric tooth brushes, Coors, the Chia Pet and millions and millions of other products that had the trip[le-threat of being useless, wasteful and stupid. And moronic American consumers gobbled it all up.

And now here we are, $14 trillion in debt and with boxes of useless crap in storage because our homes were foreclosed on. And it all began because Schick realized Americans would buy anything and that anything worth having had to have a motor of some type and use energy.

So please, if you’re thinking of buying an electric razor, don’t. You’ll just be speeding up the demise of this once great nation. Shave yourself with a fork, instead. The results will be the same, you won’t use any electricity and the people in China that made it won’t laugh more at stupid American consumers.

–WKW

Comments

8 Responses to “The Electric Razor and the end of America”

  1. EAAW on September 16th, 2010 12:18 pm

    I agree american consumers are terrible. the fun is to spend money. I know a guy that spent $20 in a video game he never played. Actually never took it out of the package. This same guy also gave me a deck of cards for my birthday which I don´t think I ever used. I am not a big card player but I guess he did not know me very well or grabbed the first thing he saw in the first store he entered. Then the next birthday he gave me a handful of brushes, paints and a pad despite the fact I don´t paint probably still folowing the first store-first thing strategy. This guy also let his dogs eat 100 dolares because he leaves money on the floor. Later he also let the dogs eat another 200 reais (aprox. 140 dollars) because the floor continued to be a fantastic place for money. Actually his dogs already ate two of the expensive leather designer wallets he had. I guess his current one is partially chewed . This guy bought a expensive soccer ball and kicked a few times before retiring from soccer and also let the dogs destroy the ball. And of course he needed professional soccer shoes that he used a few times. This guy destroyed his way to two laptops and 3 ipods. Oh and he also love to wear his nice clothes a home and rub jelly , butter, mud, blood and god knows what in them so they remain stained. One must wonder what he does during the day in order to fuck his clothes so bad. Then when he goes out he complain that he has no clothes. He had a juicer he barelly used and now wants another one. Man, I could go on forever about this guy. But lets just say that this guy, of course, has a electric razor he never uses

  2. Jessica on September 16th, 2010 1:22 pm

    Maybe you’re using it wrong.

    *grins*

  3. Michael on September 16th, 2010 2:45 pm

    I refuse to be lectured on American Consumerism by a Brazilian. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to reorganize my collection of glow-in-the dark Jesus figurines.

  4. dgun on September 16th, 2010 3:26 pm

    lol.

    What a dangerous life Bill lives. His wife not only knows about his blog, but follows it very closely.

    EAAW for commenter of the year?

    @Michael

    Some say that a 20 handicapper doesn’t need Pro VI’s. But without them, my handicap soars to 22. Money well spent, IMO. And after 1 round they go into a bucket in the garage. In a few years I should be able to sell those used golf balls and payoff my house. I got this investment strategy from a strip written by Jim Cramer on the wrapper of Bazooka bubblegum.

  5. Michael on September 16th, 2010 7:26 pm

    dgun, you’re not far from the investment strategy of many of our clients. And along this same vein of useless things Americans pay for, I’d like to submit the idea of “Financial Advice.” Why listen to your broker/accountant (who presumably knows your situation first-hand), when you could just as easily watch Jim Cramer/Suze Orman/Dave Ramsey poop their pants and give blanket financial advice (which may or may not apply to you) for ten times the cost? I mean, look at their CDs! They’re so shiney!

    And so what if Jim Cramer is dead wrong 99/100 times? And so what if Dave Ramsey “pulled himself up by his bootstraps” by selling blanket financial advice to people who don’t need it? That’s entertainment right there!

  6. dgun on September 16th, 2010 10:07 pm

    Michael, if you can’t trust a guy with a lot of props and buttons that make sound effects, who can you trust? Jim Cramer is like a morning drive DJ and Carrot Top combined. The only difference being that Carrot Top is pretty good at picking stocks.

  7. EAAW on September 17th, 2010 4:15 am

    lol @ dgun and Michael

  8. hugh.c.mcbride on September 17th, 2010 9:58 am

    Electric razors are one of the great breakthroughs in marketing history. Simply put, electric razors don’t work. They’ve never worked. They never will work. You’ll get an equally close shave from a pickle.

    But they continue to be made and sold. That they continue to exist after 80 solid years of not working is both a tribute to marketing and the sheer stupidity of the American consumer.

    This (both the torrent of abuse hurled @ the BIg Electric Shaver industry and the advice to try pickle shaving) is tremendous. But you lost me when you directed your vitriol at the salad shooting community. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve saved by being able to shoot salad @ dinner party guests, instead of having to purchase salad bowls, fill said bowls w/ said salad, & walk said salad-filled salad bowls across the room to said guests.

    Plus, I’m pretty sure that opposing *anything* with the word “shooting” in it makes you a Muslo-Commie Kenyanist or something.

    On a completely unrelated note, this revelation makes me think that we’ve got the right guy leading the Great American Whack-Off of 2010:

    “Oh and he also love to wear his nice clothes a home and rub jelly , butter, mud, blood and god knows what in them so they remain stained.”

    (If that’s not the first blurb on the back of your autobiography, you really need to re-think your publicity strategy.)

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