Has Patrick Byrne been abducted by Russian Mobsters? Sith Lords? Sure, why not?

November 10, 2010 by  

Patrick Byrne is gone. Gone, I tell you. And he could be anywhere. Any. Where.

This report just came in from Sam Antar, the infamous whistle-blowing criminal:

Overstock.com (NASDAQ: OSTK) finally held its scheduled conference call with analysts to discuss the company’s dismal third quarter earnings report which was released last Friday. On that day, Overstock.com stunned investors and reported a Q3 2010 $3.381 million loss or a loss of $0.15 per share compared to a Q3 2009 reported loss of $1.379 million or a loss of $0.06 per share. It was the second consecutive quarter that Overstock.com failed to meet Wall Street analysts’ consensus expectations for earnings. However, instead of facing the music, Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne was absent from the call.

Yes, Byrne – who LOVES to be seen and heard – was missing from the event. For his part, Antar has a theory:

Back in the Crazy Eddie days, it was known as “SEC induced sudden illness syndrome” or by the short acronym SIS. Common symptoms include panic attacks, headaches, nausea, cold sweats, trembling, stomach pains, vomiting, and worst of all, diarrhea. At least the weight loss isn’t so bad. However, the SEC commonly refers to anyone suffering from SIS as a SISsy.

While Antar may be on to something, it’s important to remember that Byrne has made a career of running the retail sales powerhouse straight into the ground. But in using his own company to enrich himself and push his own school-girl vendettas, he has made some powerful enemies.

So where was Byrne? And where IS he?

Could it be that the Russian Mafia has finally gotten to Byrne? Remember, Byrne himself said that the Russian Mob wanted his head.

“We have a message from Russia. We are about to kill you. We are about to kill if you if don’t back down,” said Byrne to the Daily Utah Chronicle, relaying a time he said he was threatened at a “greasy Long Island bar.”

Or maybe it’s Naked Short Sellers (not to be confused with “Naked Short Spellers.”) These evil, unseen, unknowable stock manipulators have focused all their considerable power on killing of Byrne and Overstock.com over the years.

Was it the notorious Sith Lord, who we now know is Michael Milken? Byrne has made it clear that the shadowy Milken is planning universal terrorism.”

Here’s some unintelligible garbage Mark Mitchell (who is actually dead laying under Byrne’s house, but the byline is handy) had to write about the Sith Lord Conspiracy.

“Apparently, Lattanzio proposed marriage to the prostitute and gave her a diamond ring. Alas, the couple separated, and Lattanzio asked for his ring back. After all, it had cost him $289,275.00.”


Could it have been unethical business reporters have something to do with Byrne’s disappearance? After all, Bethany McLean has been seen hitting the weights at her local gym.

Who could have abducted Patrick Byrne? He is a sweet, easy-going man that occasionally stalks his critics on Facebook, occasionally cashes in $3 million in stock moments before the OSTK stock in question plummeted, occasionally karate kicks, and occasionally lashes out wildly with wack-job conspiracy theories and attacks on anyone who would question his criminal ineptness, and repeatedly gets investigated by the SEC. That’s all

Of course, while all these abduction and SIS scenarios are likely true – even simultaneously in the fevered mind of Byrne – it’s probably more likely that his lawyers, his Daddy, and others have him under orders to keep his mouth shut. Because you never know what Patrick Byrne will say next, except for the fact it won’t be the truth about how he’s criminally mismanaged Overstock.com.



2 Responses to “Has Patrick Byrne been abducted by Russian Mobsters? Sith Lords? Sure, why not?”

  1. Michael on November 10th, 2010 7:05 am

    A conversation I had with a friend about Meg Whitman:

    Me: How on earth do I get the job where I’m rewarded for running a company into the ground?

    Friend: You have to get an MBA. Preferrably from Harvard.

    Me: But that’s a useless degree. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s like having a “Liberal Arts” degree. Plus, every jackass and his mother has an MBA. You’d think an oversupply of useless degrees would decrease the value.

    Friend: Yeah, but you’re talking about the corporate world. Normal rules don’t apply.

    Once again, I find that I spent tens of thousands of dollars on a useless degree, when I could have easily spent a couple thousand dollars going to night school to get an MBA. And then I could run a company into the ground and get fired while the company paid me hundreds of millions of dollars just to go away. All this time I thought I was supposed to be good at what I do, and really I was just supposed to be so terrible that people would pay me to stop. I wonder if there are some prostitutes who live by the same rule.

  2. William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: The Meaning of Austerity « Blogaround « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on November 12th, 2010 3:07 am

    [...] Patrick Byrne is under investigation by the SEC and just about everyone else. Sure he’s running Overstock.com into the ground and using it as his own personal bank. No [...]

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