Scientists discover that no matter how many guns you own, your penis will remain small and insignificant

January 14, 2011 by  

This man has a very sad penisSWEDEN – After a full decade of research, a team of Swedish scientists has confirmed that no matter how many guns a man owns, his penis will remain small and insignificant.

“Ve look at ze mens wit ze guns and ve look at ze penis of zeese mens,” said Dr. Sven Svenenberg of the Svenlandia Institute. “Itz veery zad. Ze penis is so wee.”

The research looked at 300 average American men who owned multiple guns. Those 300 were then weighed, measure, and found wanting. Following that, the men were then encouraged to buy even more guns over the next year. They were then were then weighed and measured again, and found wanting even more.

“Ze penis iz so wee, still,” said Dr. Svenenberg in an accent that no one could really identify. “Iz almozt of no uze. Like a wee pinkie toe.”

American scientist Tim Johnson said the research proved what has long been suspected – that owning guns for hunting and self-protection is generally a lie and that most men buy guns because they feel it will be an extension of their manhood.

“We’ve known this all along. We call it the ‘Glenn Beck Effect,’” said Johnson from his home office in Tupelo, Miss. “Not long ago, a Wikileaks document emerged showing a naked picture of Beck. Dude’s hung like a pimple on a pimple. Then all of a sudden you start seeing the guy show up holding guns.”

Still, some have called the research misleading. Ron Schmeits, President of the NRA said that the problem was that the men in the research sample were not encouraged to buy enough guns.

“These small men will get larger if they own more guns,” said Schmeits, handing out checks to Republican congressmen on the steps of the nation’s capital. “They need pistols and shotguns and guns that have guns attached to them and guns that shoot guns. That will fix them right up.”

But Dr. Svenenberg stood by his research.

“Zey are so wee, it’z almozt to make me to laugh,” said Dr. Svenenberg. “But no. I don’t to laugh. Iz zad. Zo veery zad.”



12 Responses to “Scientists discover that no matter how many guns you own, your penis will remain small and insignificant”

  1. hugh.c.mcbride on January 15th, 2011 10:07 am

    Somewhere in America, the dude in the photo that accompanies this article is reading this post & weeping softly to himself …

  2. len roessler on January 16th, 2011 8:11 am

    To grow the “little fella” you, besides guns, you need lots of tattoos

  3. Goober Peas on January 16th, 2011 8:47 am

    Yes, but they need to do further research to find out if owning monster trucks and other vehicles with giant tires and extraordinarily loud mufflers and then drinking copious amounts of cheap beer and then going muddin’ or gunning your accelerator while squealing your tires makes the real difference. That’s what all the dudes down here in the South believe anyway.

  4. MarionY on January 16th, 2011 9:24 am

    Hilarious!! Of course, there is alot of truth to this. If a man is being a real man, he’s not collecting weapons, he’s taking care of his woman and family…not using his pent up energy for hate and violence. Thanks for the laughs, William.

  5. lokywoky on January 16th, 2011 7:56 pm

    ROFLMAO! This is so true! Unfortunately, Dr. Svenenberg needs to expand his research to the penis-less women of the Teaparty who are almost as bad (Palin,Angle,Bachmann, et al). Are they trying to grow one? Or do they have a secret one already, albeit a veery teeny tiny one?

    Jes’ askin’

  6. Impatient Liberal on January 16th, 2011 10:56 pm

    So would this mean that women with guns like Sarah Palin *do* have a penis? Or that she’s trying to grow one? Or that it’s also itsy bitsy like Glenn Pecker’s?

  7. Noted William K. Wolfrum blog source Tim Johnson missing « Important Blog News « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on January 20th, 2011 4:12 pm

    [...] Scientists discover that no matter how many guns you own, your penis will remain small and insignifi… [...]

  8. Alexander on January 27th, 2011 6:16 am

    @len They also need trucks. Big, BIG trucks. The kind that require a stepladder to get into.

  9. Dawn C. Holland on January 27th, 2011 10:13 am

    ……………………………………Anonymous Author March 2007 ………………………….Like most if not all of the parents on this site….I absolutely abhor violence….My boys all the time they have been growing up have never been allowed Toy Guns….But have I just made Guns more attractive in banning them?….All my children have at some point or another had me standing in a toy shop saying a firm and decisive NO! I have always stood firm and not backed down…..You see to me if I was to buy them a gun and this is only my own opinion I have nothing against others buying guns for their children!!! I would feel I was saying to them that it is okay to go around pretending to shoot people.

  10. B.G. Bonner on January 18th, 2013 1:17 pm

    Looky at all my big guns! And check out how large my … er… pickup truck is! … Or: “This is my weapon, This is my gun. This is for fighting, this is … err… Check out the size of my weapon!”

  11. B.G. Bonner on January 18th, 2013 1:17 pm

    “This is my weapon, This is my gun. This is for fighting, this is … err… Check out the size of my weapon!”

  12. Paul Browne on March 29th, 2013 6:10 pm

    Can’t a fund be started to help these unfortunate men? If research was launched now, Ted Cruz might have a chance of enjoying a three inch dick.

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