Koch Brothers Big Donation Gives Them Final Say on Rapture

May 17, 2011 by  

HEAVEN – Following a staggering donation to the Heaven Fund, the Koch Brothers will now have final say on who gets Raptured. sources tell this reporter.

David and Charles Koch – who combined are worth $43.5 billion – recently made headlines when it was learned that they had essentially taken control of the economics departments of such public colleges as Florida State University. In the FSU case, the Koch Brothers donated $1.5 million to the economics department, but with the caveat that the money could be taken away should the brothers disagree with any new hires.

With the Rapture less than a week away, the Koch Brothers decided now was the time to get things right with eternity.

“There’s no way in hell that we’re spending eternity next to ordinary Americans,” reportedly said David Koch. “It was spendy, but it’s worth it.”

The amount the Koch Brothers donated to the Heaven Fund – a public entity – has yet to be announced. A spokesman for the fund spoke of the good the money will do.

“This is really a Kochsend, you know,” said the spokesman. “Now we can have upgrade our ‘Two-Minute Hate / Wine-Tasting Cathedrals.’ Praise the Koch Brothers!”

The spokesman added that the likely list of who shall be Raptured on May 21 is down to roughly 400 people.

–WKW

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