Let’s Blog around

I just noticed something – I forgot to promote any blogs in today’s Morning post. I have to blame my own narcissism on this (if you know me, you quickly learn I’m all me, all the time.)

So, anyway, let’s rectify this, shall we?

Blogs

Balloon Juice: E.D. Kain abandons Conservatism for all the right reasons.

Equalitopia: Being Gay on the set of the Power Rangers was not a pleasant experience.

LitBrit: Lit asks the big question: Do big cats like catnip?

Answer: Yes. Yes they do.

Petulant Rumblings: Some links from a Petulant perspective.

Gary Weiss: Apparently, the SEC is totally cool now with insider trading.

Podcasts

Skeptics Guide to the Universe: Phil Plait joins the rogues for some bad astronomy and more.

The Partially Examined Life: Should Spinoza be technically considered a pantheist or atheist? I’ll expect your reports in the morning.

–WKW

The Impeachment of Barack Obama

A while back, my friend Sam Antar – a former key player in the infamous and egregious “Crazy Eddie’s” fraud – told me that it was just a matter of time before Barack Obama faced impeachment charges.

“With all the stimulus money going out, the Republicans will eventually find some corruption charge they think will stick,” said Antar, now a corporate whistle-blower who tends to view things from a non-partisan prism. “It’s just a matter of time.”

While Antar may have had his finger on the pulse of American politics, he did make one minor error – assuming the Republican Party will need a valid reason to begin impeachment charges against Obama. Recently, we’ve gotten a glimpse of just how little the GOP will need to begin destroying the Obama Presidency, as Liz Cheney called for a federal investigation into the complete non-scandal of Joe Sestak getting a job offer from the White House so he’d drop out of the Senate race in Pennsylvania.

Putting aside the almost other-worldly hypocrisy of someone named Cheney demanding a federal investigation into the Executive Branch, the Sestak screwiness should open the eyes of the liberal establishment, if they aren’t open already. Republicans will impeach Barack Obama – on any charge they can find – just as soon as they have better numbers in Congress.

We’ve been through this before, of course. When faced with a popular, charismatic Democratic President in Bill Clinton, Republicans showed absolutely no shame is slamming the brakes on the Federal Government in order to impeach or, at very least, humiliate Clinton. In the end, the plan worked brilliantly, as George W. Bush was promoted as a great “moral leader” and won the Presidency over Al Gore in 2000. And while many will still dispute the outcome of the 2000 election, the simple fact is that it would have never even been close if not for the impeachment of Clinton.

In a purely Machiavellian sense, Republicans have always seemed to understand the game in ways Democrats don’t. Because while American Conservatism is an ideology with few new ideas or plans, it is also an ideology that understands that power is the only thing that really matters. And they have proven extremely adept at regaining power, regardless of past performances in governing.

Republicans can not beat Obama at the ballot box. But you can be assured that they will do all they can so that his legacy is terribly tainted in scandal. There is just no way the GOP will allow Obama to serve out eight years and leave office with a strong record of liberal accomplishment that he can hand over to a Democratic successor. Simply put, for Republicans, Barack Obama must be destroyed and completely invalidated before his term or terms are over.

Republicans will attempt to impeach Barack Obama. The “why” of the matter is completely insignificant. They’ll find something and work overtime to make it appear to be the Greatest Scandal Ever. It’s just a matter of time. Provided, of course, that they have the numbers.

–WKW

Originally posted at Alan Colmes’ Liberaland

Overstock.com & Patrick Byrne help define “Cookie Jar Reserve”

While it’s all fun and games with the pretend tough guys over at Overstock.com, Patrick Byrne and crew have done all us financial layman a favor – they’ve made the term “Cookie Jar Reserve” easier for us to understand. Yesterday, Overstock.com – working on deadline – restated their 2009 financial report.

A Cookie Jar Reserve is an illegal practice when a company under-reports
income during an earlier reporting period in order to inflate income for future reporting periods. It is a practice that misleads the investors of publicly traded companies like Overstock.

From Overstock.com’s restatement:

“Correction of these errors is expected to shift approximately $1.7 million of income recognized in fiscal year 2009 back to fiscal year 2008.”

Sam Antar – he of the Crazy Eddie Fraud scheme who was profiled here – has long been asserting publicly that Overstock.com has been cooking the books in this way. Antar has been vilified, threatened and mocked non-stop by Byrne and his PR shill/Partner-in-crime Judd Bagley. But this last restatement vindicates him, and shines an even greater light on the issuer retaliation tactics of Overstock.com.

Last year, I wrote a post titled “For Patrick Byrne and Overstock.com, the real story is in the financial reports.” I led it off thusly:

Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne has had a busy week, attacking messengers and filing reports. As should always be the case with Byrne and Overstock, the real news goes on top – Overstock’s financial reporting.

And the song remains the same. Because while Byrne’s rants about naked short sellers and his blatant attacks on any who question his accounting may be all fun and games, it is pure diversion. What matters is the financial reports. And Byrne’s guilt is consistently written all over them.

–WKW

The name is Judd: Bagley, Gregg, others give Judd a bad name

There is a Judd problem in the U.S. these days. Whether named Bagley, Gregg or Wynonna, the name Judd has been slung through the mud, as it now carries baggage like pedophilia, pederasty, murder and more. One needs an Apple iPad to keep track of the carnage. Some recent examples:

• Judd Bagley: Conservative hero Patrick Byrne’s PR shill has long operated on the Karl Rove, Lee Atwater theory that viciously attacking your enemies is a good way to shut them up. Having been accused of being a possible pederast, a stalker and of outright threatening those that dare speak out on the disaster that is Overstock.com. From this Judd:
  

  “I don’t want to cause anybody unnecessary harm, but I’m beyond tired of the lies.

  If you choose to continue as you have been, I will write about you on AntiSocialMedia.net. In doing so, my goal is not to intimidate, but to let you own your words; under those circumstances, I think the lies will take care of themselves.

  Having said that, I’m also very much aware of the impact this could have on your reputation, especially where you live, and I feel obligated to offer you a way out.”

• Judd Gregg: After deciding not to be part of Barack Obama’s Cabinet, Gregg quickly became just about as anti-U.S. Government as Hugo Chavez and as unpopular with the ladies as Tiger Woods is popular. To drive home the point, this Judd attacked two female MSNBC reporters for having the temerity to ask if he believed in Ronald Reagan’s theory that the Department of Education must go. Some of Gregg’s work:

• Wynonna Judd: Ok, Wynonna herself seems Ok lately. But the country star sure can find trouble for the name Judd. A pedophile & Child porn lover entered her life via Scott Z. Myers, who home-schooled her two children. He been charged with distribution of child pornography. From Perez Hilton:
  

  “Myers, who is only 27, admitted in an online chatroom that he engaged in sexual activity with four boys who lived nearby and was also seen leaving his apartment with two boys when the feds showed up to execute a search warrant.”

  Of course, this Judd seems to have a thing for men with pedophilia tendencies, as just three years ago:

  

  “Wynonna Judd filed for divorce Tuesday from her estranged husband, less than a week after his arrest in Texas on sex charges involving a minor.

  Dan R. Roach, 49, was arrested Thursday in Abilene and charged with three counts of aggravated sexual battery against a child younger than 13 in Nashville, police said.”

  On the bright side, sister Ashley Judd seems to be staying out of trouble quite nicely.

• Judd Apatow: Ok, he hasn’t been involved in any crimes that we’re aware of, but he’s apparently the only human allowed to make a comedy in Hollywood. And they’ve become little more than unfunny sexist dramas. No wonder entertainment fans are more interest in Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga than watching an American-made comedy. This Judd is an anchor that’s rapidly driving American culture down the crapper.
• Charles Judd: Proving you don’t need to be a famous Judd like Wynonna, Gregg or Bagley, this Judd is a paroled sex offender that was arrested on charges of second-degree murder in the slaying of a father and son.

While all this makes a compelling case for just arresting anyone with Judd in their name, that is sadly not the type of society we live in. But, hopefully, it will give something for Judd-minded parents to think about when naming their children. Better to stick with more conventional, conservative names. Like Madonna. Or Jesus.

–WKW

Blogger laments upcoming loss of Patrick Byrne

BRAZIL – Blogger William K. Wolfrum stared off into the distance, desperately trying to come up with an idea worth writing about. Looking forlorn, he finally gave up the chase and went to bed. It was 3 p.m.

“There’s nothing, just nothing,” said Wolfrum. “Not anymore.”

The reason behind Wolfrum’s malaise was simple – soon, he’d no longer have Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne to write about. And after spending the majority of the past two years writing about him, he was deflated, if not defeated.

Wolfrum – a self-described satirist known for posting pictures of his dogs and writing silly little things about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – called Byrne a “Once-in-a-Generation” topic.

“Someone like Byrne doesn’t come along too often,” said an unshaven, unkempt Wolfrum. “Sith Lords, the Russian Mob, Diamond heists, naked short selling, stalking, bizarre and libelous attacks on business journalists, karate, pretending he’s actually a journalist, etc. You can’t invent someone like Byrne.”

While Overstock.com continues its day-to-day operations, and could possibly survive in a healthier non-Byrne atmosphere, Wolfrum said the CEO is in the final stages of complete collapse. He pointed to SEC investigations, a possible tax evasion charge and the company’s loss of David K. Chidester as CFO, as signs that the Byrne charade was nearing its end.

“Chidester either jumped ship or was pushed,” said Wolfrum. “He left about three seconds after Roddy Boyd published a damning article about Byrne. But thus far, no one has really reported on it.”

While Wolfrum admitted that Byrne was now, for all intents and purposes, completely impotent and only of interest to bloggers like him who liked making silly little jokes about him, there was at least one person in the Overstock.com crew who would likely keep going strong – PR Guy and “possible pederast” Judd Bagley.

“Bagley’s a PR shill so he’ll be fine, he’s like a less-likable and less intellectually honest Karl Rove,” said Wolfrum. “With the 2010 elections coming up, I’m confident he’s far too nasty and soul-less to stay unemployed long once Byrne is done.”

Still, Wolfrum said that people should expect to see Byrne in the public eye for a while. He pointed to Byrne’s repeated appearances on Fox News, where friendly Fox News anchors would never even bother bringing up the fact that Byrne was under investigation by the SEC. Nonetheless, Wolfrum admitted the thrill was gone.

“Don’t get me wrong, Byrne’s committed to his clown act and getting attention,” said Wolfrum. “And right now, the guy can’t open his mouth without giving up Insider Information.

“So he’ll be around – at least for now and then after he gets out of jail,” added Wolfrum. “But all that’s left now is the crying, for all parties. What can I say, I’ll miss him. Patrick Byrne is a douchebag for the ages.”

–WKW

Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne on Patrick Byrne

Why exactly did Patrick Byrne become a CEO? Giving Goldman traders blowjobs didn’t work out?

You see, Byrne is manifestly chimpanzee-like in both comportment and worldview–a fully arresting specimen of unsated mammalian appetition–a self-styled “journalist” who grunts and growls and snorts and says funny things.

But Byrne is on the take, and getting paid off somewhere in order to do hatchet-jobs-to-order. Is Byrne afraid his checks may stop clearing? Still, Byrne proves himself as resilient as syphilis.

As my feelings may not be obvious, in the interests of fairness and transparency I should at this point disclose that compared to Byrne I’ve observed more brainpower in a ice-head sitting on the floor of a 7-11 scanning the Comet and Pam Spray labels trying to remember the formula to make meth, and more dignity in a wino living on $2 hand-jobs at the bus station.

These days Byrne spends much time posting dozens of deposition-style posts directed at me and my colleagues, over-and-over, dozens if not hundreds per week (what an odd “hobby” for Byrne to have).

Byrne’s hatchet jobs take an unusual form. They resemble Thomas Friedman’s write-ups on the Arab-Israeli conflict: “Let’s see, Arabs, Israel, Arabs… Israel, Arabs…….. Israel…… okay, I gotta call this one for the Israeli’s.” In op-ed after op-ed.

Can everyone sense Byrne sweating? He seems to be getting nervous, doesn’t he? Hence the posts full of non sequitors and picking of nits about unimportant details.

To put it simply, Patrick Byrne Sucks It Likes He’s Paying the Rent. Just remember, though – I’m not interested in “blasting” anyone: I am just a seeker of truth.

But Byrne is evil. I’ll stand by that. More than evil, he’s soul-less evil.

That said, I hope you understand that I don’t have anything against Byrne per se. I have things I want, and he stands in the way, so now I’m removing him. At the same time, there’s no reason we can’t co-exist under specific circumstances.

If I don’t hear back, I’ll assume he’d rather take his chances on what’s coming.

PS So May We Go with “Jamook”?

–WKW

Review: The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show

For those of you that enjoy a good serial, I whole-heartedly advise you to spend a little time paying attention to Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne. Because, day-in, day-out, Byrne delivers the goods.

Emotional, paranoid, afraid and angry simultaneously at all times, Byrne is to corporate drama what Meryl Streep is to Hollywood drama. The set-up for the latest episode is apparently an upcoming article by former Fortune and New York Post reporter Roddy Boyd.

In a 5,000-word pre-emptive strike essay at the “All Overstock.com Enemies Must Be Destroyed” Propaganda site DeepCapture.com, Byrne takes time off his CEO duties to pen a 5,000-word diatribe against Boyd.

Some Highlights from: “In Today’s Episode of “Nothing New Under the Sun”: Roddy Boyd Sucks it like he’s paying the rent, Exhibit Z” (after waking up, Byrne apparently crawled back some on the headline, btw), Byrne had these gems:

“that’s him, just above the child porn guy.”

“[C]ompared to Roddy I’ve observed more intellect in a ice addict sitting on the floor of a 7-11 trying to remember how to cook meth out of Comet and Pam Spray, and more dignity in a crackhead living off $2 hand-jobs at the bus station.”

“Well we’re still here and doing quite well, thank you, while your patron David Rocker plays shuffleboard in Florida, muttering my name under his breath like a wino’s lament as he realizes that for years to come his own will give off a foul stench among the smart money set he so desperately aped. “

Roddy Boyd today emerged in possession of this material, which he proceeded to use in a clumsy attempt to reclaim his rightful seat at that ongoing hedge fund bukake gig in which he previously held starring role. (He ended up deleting this bit.)

“The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show” is like an episode of “Desperate Housewives” gone horribly, horribly wrong. Sure, Byrne is adorable, and there are more lies than you can naked short sell, but – with Byrne writing late-night manifestos while his super-friend Judd Bagley is bragging to reporters about stalking – you get the nagging suspicion that this may all end with a hostage crisis.

Still, what helps make “The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show” even more of a fun watch is the supporting cast. There’s the aforementioned Bagley – easily one of the creepiest guys in the history of the Internet. And then there’s “Investigative Reporter” Mark Mitchell – easily one of the crappiest writers on the Internet. (Sidenote: Has anyone ever talked to, or seen Mitchell in the last year or so? Because his crappy writing is sure a lot like Byrne’s crappy writing. A possible new sub-plot?)

But it’s Byrne’s show in the end. Emotional, fearful and spoiled, Byrne is a fascinating character. And with a corporate board at Overstock.com that may have gone the way of Mitchell for all we know, Byrne is free to act the petulant child at any and all slights, real or perceived.

Of course, Gary Weiss spoiled the ending for all of us: “summed up in one word: Guilty.”

Until then, however, enjoy the show. It’s a wonderful mix of comedy, SEC investigations, stalking, attacking critics and more. And in Byrne, the Overstock.com saga has a a breakthrough star. More Cliff Clavin than Montgomery Clift, Byrne strikes the perfect balance between paranoid victim and angry crook. With Byrne in the lead role, “The Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com Show” promises to be a hit for the foreseeable future – until it ends dramatically and suddenly. Say in six months or so.

As for me, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the upcoming episode when Boyd’s article comes out.

–WKW

Blog Around & Blog note

William K. Wolfrum: Remember, it was May 2009 when I brought up Tiger Woods and steroids. And wrote this story 2.5 years ago showcasing how and why steroids would benefit golfers. Just sayin`.

Juan Cole: Isn`t Obama supposed to be smart enough to know that patting down people on lists and racial profiling is just plain stupid?

Isn’t it odd that one of the guys from Crazy Eddie’s – convicted felon Sam Antar – is giving Patrick Byrne so much trouble. It’s like Byrne can’t get away with a single lie without Antar on him. And like most bullies, Byrne’s a weakling who has been the CEO with the vapors. Losing that school voucher thing in Utah took all the sanity and courage out of him, I reckon. People with moral strength don’t flee from Sam Antar. They don’t flee from or hire mercaneries to fight off someone who OK`d this video.

Blog Note: This post can also be used to give me any comments you have on the current site theme. It has some changes to be made yet, but this is essentially what it will be. I am open to ideas, however.

-WKW

Internet’s Top-3 Commenters in Nation announced by Prestigious Blog

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Patrick Byrne & Overstalk.com announce new CEO Tool

Tired of not being able to know the secrets of those you obsess over? Want a closer look at those that have something you think can help divert attention from the awful truth? Well, at Overstalk.com, CEO Patrick Byrne has a special deal on a device that will help you “look through the windows” of those who may have some vague thing in their past that can be attacked ad nauseum.

For years, Patrick Byrne has lusted after the success, respect and ability of others. Ill-equipped to gain that success on his own merits, he has learned that it’s best to blame and stalk others. Now, for less than $30, this significant part of the Overstalk.com arsenal can be yours.

Order now and receive a free exorcism from Facebook, as well as an invented certificate claiming that you’re a bad-ass karate guy who shouldn’t be messed with.

So order now, and have as much fun with naked short stalking as Patrick Byrne does!

–WKW

Media is terrified of Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com’s anti-privacy activities

Sometimes, as a journalist, blogger, or what have you, you come across a story you think has real meat on the bone. Such was my thinking when I saw that Patrick Byrne, CEO of Overstock.com, had been mining Facebook to create some type of “enemies list.” The list included business writers, bloggers, as well as the children and families of said writers and bloggers.

This, coming from Byrne, who is already under investigation by the SEC for the second time in recent memory, would make one believe there’s some type of story there. Think about it – the CEO of an online retailer is using Facebook to invade people’s privacy. You’d think this would be of some interest to someone. Somwhere.

Thus far, however, from the mainstream media, there has been only crickets. Here’s what the MSM has put out on Byrne in the past few days. From the Tampa Tribune:
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Hoaxes Larry Bergman, Martin Eisenstadt accused of illicit ‘Tater-Totting’ affair

ITALY – In a land known for sordid romances, the latest romantic drama has people around the globe transfixed, as two great mythical characters have been linked together by noted blogger William K. Wolfrum.

“I have learned from my sources that Larry Bergman – a creation of Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne – and infamous Hoax pundit Martin Eisenstadt have been seen canoodling in a New York bar,” said Wolfrum. “This would mark the first time in known history that two invented personages have had an illicit relationship.”

Bergman, who was created by Byrne’s underling Judd Bagley, has thus far refused to, or been physically unable to comment. Eisenstadt has thus far been in hiding, reportedly on a “book tour,” and also has yet to comment.

While, this would not be the first time two fictitious people had a sordid affair, it is certainly the most prominent, as it involves two nefarious fictitious subjects.

Bergman was created solely so Byrne and Bagley could spy on supposed “enemies” of Overstock.com. The Bergman character has used Facebook to pry into the private lives of people like Sam Antar, Felix Salmon, Barry Ritholtz and others.

For Eisenstadt’s part, the fictitious pundit was created to showcase the ineptitude of real-life American pundits. This is the first reported case of a “spy-on-pundit” relationship in Internet history.

While it is physically impossible for two fictitious personages to have physical relations, Wolfrum was adamant that the two had engaged in “nasty” activities.

“From my research, I have learned that the fake Bergman and the fake Eisenstadt have been doing all sorts of horrifying things, including Cleveland Steamers and Dirty Sanchez’s,”said Wolfrum, admitting he wasn’t really sure what either of those activities were. “They have also engaged in ‘Portuguese Bobsledding,’ ‘Tater-totting,’ and ‘Fork Fighting,’ with most of the activities being videotaped.

“As they are both fictitious, anything I attribute to them must be a part of their character,” added Wolfrum. “So these guys are just sick.”

As for the future of the relationship, Wolfrum demurred.

“Well, I know Eisenstadt and his creators should have a profitable future,” said Wolfrum. “As for Bergman, his creators – Byrne, Bagley and the entire Overstock.com board (which may also be fictitious) – will assuredly be heard from again, perhaps in some type of court where they can explain their complete lack of regard for privacy laws.

“I can guarantee you haven’t seen the last of the Tater-totting from Byrne, Bagley or Bergman,” added Wolfrum. “And the simple fact is this – neither really exists, so any accusation I make against them must be true.”

As a disclaimer, Wolfrum added that he has never been involved in the stock market and has no interest in OSTK or any other stock. He said that “unlike journalists like Matt Taibbi,” he just wanted to see the full story of Byrne and Bagley come to light, rather than “cherry-pick” certain aspects of the story in order to burnish his reputation.

–WKW

Patrick Byrne punks Jon Stewart, fires Auditors, mocks SEC – what’s next?

It’s been another busy week for perennial Fox News guest Patrick Byrne. The Overstock CEO has appeared with Neil Cavuto, bewailing potential CEO pay caps. And in a move that was more Martin Prince than Martin Eisenstadt, Byrne stood tall recently and admitted that it was he who gave Daily Show host Jon Stewart a controversial tape of CNBC’s Jim Cramer.

Aside from leaving Stewart with an eye fairly blackened, Byrne was just starting his rampage.

Already under investigation for the second time by the SEC – not that Fox News viewers would have any knowledge of that – Byrne decided to really see if the “Enforcement” part of the SEC means anything. Yesterday, Byrne announced he had fired his auditors and handed in my latest late SEC homework assignment without it being audited. From Gary Weiss:

Now, very much in the open, the company has jumped off a cliff, proverbially speaking. This afternoon, the company belatedly announced that it fired its auditors on Friday, and today it filed an unaudited un-vouched-for, late Form 10-Q in violation of a host of SEC regulations.

So now Overstock is not current with its filings, which means that its access to the capital markets is essentially crippled. No big thing. Bad companies are often not current what their filings. What is amazing is that Overstock went ahead and filed its 10-Q without an auditor reviewing it. Even the most sleazebucket penny stock outfits, even Bernie Madoff, manage to get some accountant somewhere to review their filings before sending them in to the SEC. I have never heard of even the most irresponsible company filing an unreviewed financial statement.

This is the second time in less than two years that auditors have had fall outs with Byrne. In Dec. 2007, Ray Groves, who once ran Ernst & Young, resigned as the head of Overstock’s audit committee.

Byrne has already made it abundantly clear that regardless of how badly he manages Overstock and screws their investors, he’s going to blame naked short spellers and the Russian mafia for all of it. And some people will say that Byrne is a victim in all this and that his fight against Naked Short Sellers is a heroic one. Others, of course, have said he’s a crook and a “cokehead.” I’d never say that of course, but it’s been said (“And Channel B I put information down that I was a coke head,” – Patrick Byrne)

What would I say? Well, considering the pride Byrne showed in his Mormon accounting team …

“Our accounting department is a bunch of square Mormon eagle scouts, and their orders are to be as straitlaced as possible.”

… I’d say Byrne needs a good Molly Mormon to come into his life to help him through these obviously difficult times.

-_WKW

We SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews demand our own Health Care Reform “Pay-for-Pray” Provision

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his followers at 3 p.m.

“My friends, I have always been open about my religious beliefs because I firmly adhere to the concept that what makes this nation great is freedom of religion. Whether you are a Scientologist, Mormon, Satanist, Christian, Muslim or Jew, you have the right to worship as you deem fit.

Now, as most of you are aware, I have long been a practicing Scientologist Mormon Satanist Christian Muslim Jew. The reason behind my multiple, and often conflicting beliefs is due to the fact that I’ve extrapolated Pascal’s Wager to its furthest conclusion. Basically, when I die, I’m covered regardless of who’s actually running this show. So I got that going for me.

Nonetheless, being a SciMoChristoSatanIslaJew is not easy. For instance, if I come down with a cold, the sheer amount of prayers and rituals I have to go through is staggering. It’s a non-stop day of rosary beads, praying to mecca, shedding Thetans, slaughtering goats, fasting and devouring live baby heads. And the tithing. Dear Lord, the tithing.

Being that baby heads, goats and rosaries don’t grow on trees, you can imagine the money I have to pay for the health care that my religions demand. This is why I and other SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews are demanding to be treated with the respect we deserve. We demand that the current health care reform bill cover our wide variety of needs.

This is not an outrageous request. After all, the current health care reform bill already has a provision which would prohibit the government from discriminating against “religious and spiritual health care.” Simply put, if you pray, the federal government will pay.

For me, however, simple prayer isn’t enough for my religious and spiritual health. My health is incredibly demanding spiritually. Like the other day, when I sprained my wrist and was forced to drink South African weasel blood. Hell, up until then, I wasn’t even aware there were weasels in South Africa. But let me tell you, there are, and those little critters are just packed with blood. And they don’t come cheap.

This is why all American taxpayers must fund my religious and spiritual health care. Because if Christians are going to be singled out as deserving of compensation for their beliefs, so should we Pascalian SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews. It’s fair, and its the American way for all Americans to support the religious beliefs of others.

So please, help me in my pursuit to stay spiritually and physically healthy by forcing the federal government to pay for my rituals of praying to Jesus, Allah and God while purging myself of Thetans and goring on baby heads and weasel blood. And the tithing. Dear Lord, I could use some help with all the tithing.

Please contact the Freedom from Religion Foundation and tell them “Yes! We all should pay for someone’s religious beliefs, regardless of how complicated and often illegal they are!”

Thank you, and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

–WKW

How to be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” by Patrick Byrne

Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne has been spending a lot of time on the Fox Business Network. A couple days ago, Byrne was on FBN’s Happy Hour, refusing to disclose that his company is being investigated by the SEC. But a few days before that, Byrne was on FBN’s “Scoreboard,” where host David Asman gushingly referred to Byrne as a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism.”

Thinking about that, I figured it would be good to give people a five-point plan on how to be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” ala Byrne:

1) Have a rich father or mother. This is a must.

2) Have that parent buy you a company.

3) Never make a profit and blame endless array of bad financial reports on software glitches.

4) Get investigated by the SEC twice in three years.

5) Blame everything on naked short sellers.

Seriously, just follow these steps that worked so well for Byrne and you, too, will be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” and appear on Fox Business Network. Oh, and give a lot of money to the GOP while you’re at it, just in case.

–WKW

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