In case you were wondering how George W. Bush was doing in his effort to make Revelations into a reality show, the answer is - pretty good.
The Rapture Index has hit 165, its highest level in years.
So have that extra piece of cake. Christ is coming. And if it’s the Christ that Bush and Huckabee believe in, no one will make it out of this alive.
–WKW
Apparently, George W. Bush has ordered Ram and Hanuman to ignore the court’s request, noting that “as Gods, there are obviously U.S. security issues involved.”
Hindu gods get summons from court
A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.
Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to “appear before the court personally”.
The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. …
Judge Singh sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be “incomplete”.
This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.
“You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are hereby directed to appear before the court personally”, Judge Singh’s notice said.
The two Hindu gods have been summoned as the defence claimed that they were owners of the disputed land.
–WKW
Much like International “Ass Pimple Awareness Weekend,” the infamous “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week” has taught us all numerous lessons. For one, now we officially know the spelling of “Islamo-Fascism.” It’s hyphenated, people. Here’s hoping the 2008 AP Stylebook reflects this.
Most importantly, what this week of hand-holding, parades and race-baiting has taught us is this: Muslims take their religion much too seriously.
Growing up a Catholic, I learned early on that my religion was something I did grudgingly on Sundays. It was not something to base my life on, or even really think about. It was something to get done on Sundays, preferably at the 10 a.m. mass, which Father Mayoni would blitz through in about 21 minutes, including sermon, because he was a big fan of the NFL.
As a Christian, I was taught many things, but thankfully never tested on any of it, because like everyone else, I barely paid attention and was much busier worrying about things like the girls that were attending mass, which sins I’d cop to in confession, and how I’d choke down the Eucharist.
In other words, I was the perfect example of a religious American.
This brings us to the big problem with Muslims - they take this shit really seriously. They pray every, single day. I think like five times. This is unheard of to the average American, who generally only prays when they need money, or they want their sports team to win. Rick Santorum put it best recently.
“Islam, unlike Christianity, is an all-encompassing ideology,” said Santorum. “It is not just something you do on Sunday…. We (as Americans) don’t get that.”
Plus, Muslims take their holy book literally. How crazy is that? They actually pay attention to all the rules, dress accordingly, eat accordingly, etc. Growing up a Catholic, that was just unheard of.
You see, the Bible is full of all sorts of nonsense that would really make your life miserable if you followed all the rules. Plus, the economy would just go to shit because everybody would be busy praying, trying to convert others and periodically giving all their shit away. Religion is fine, and all, but we have a gross national product to think of. The shellfish industry would tank if Christians in the U.S. took the Bible seriously. Plus there’d be stones and dead bodies everywhere. It’d be a true hassle.
In America, we only pay attention to the ancient words of our holy books when they have to do with homosexuality. Plus we all skim to the end and trip out on Revelations. Aside from that, we more or less pick and choose, as benefit the individual at any given moment. Because, really, all that “do not covet” nonsense is just inapplicable in a capitalistic society where the divorce rate is like 90 percent or whatever.
So much like “Ass Pimple Awareness Weekend,” has taught us all to avoid wearing a thong bikini during an outbreak, “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week” has taught us something important: Muslims just need to ease up already.
For our Muslim friends, the lesson is this: eat a ham sandwich, have a beer and smoke a cigarette already. Cut your praying down to once or twice a month, and go to church just enough to be able to brag to your friends about it.
Because, really, that’s what religion is all about - bragging about it. It’s when you start taking all the rules of religion seriously that all hell breaks loose. That’s what “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week” has taught us all - that Muslims need to stop taking their religion so damned seriously. Once they start doing that, then they’ll be perfected, like American Christians.
–WKW
Old popes never die, they just return to the world as blazing demons:
“Is this Pope John Paul II waving from beyond the grave? Vatican TV director says yes”
This fiery figure is being hailed as Pope John Paul II making an appearance beyond the grave.
The image, said by believers to show the Holy Father with his right hand raised in blessing, was spotted during a ceremony in Poland to mark the second anniversary of his death.
Details appeared on the Vatican News Service, a TV station in Rome which specialises in religious news broadcasts.
Service director Jarek Cielecki, a Polish priest and close friend of John Paul II, travelled to Poland after hearing an onlooker had photographed the image.
Father Cielecki said he was convinced the picture showed the former pontiff.
“You can see the image of a person in the flames and I think it is the servant of God, Pope John Paul II,” he said.
So remember kids, lead a good life and tithe to the Catholic Church, or a fiery Pope John Paul II will emerge from a bonfire and burn you to a crisp. Now go say five “Our Fathers” and 20 “Hail Marys” just to be on the safe side.
–WKW
I just have to say in all candor that since this nation was founded primarily on Snake-handling principles, personally, I prefer someone who I know who has a solid grounding in my faith. But that doesn’t mean that I’m sure that someone who is Christian would not make a good president. I admire the Christian. I would vote for a Christian if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and defend our political values. But the Constitution established the United States of America as a nation of Snake Handlers.
Seriously, it’s no more ridiculous than some other claims.
–WKW
This is why more and more people are listening to, and agreeing with the likes of Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. And also why believers are pulling away from organized religion in droves.
This one statement will lead to the death of thousands. Archbishop Francisco Chimoio and every one at the Vatican including the Pope should be tried for murder. It’s that simple. They have gotten a free pass on murdering millions for far too long.
“S. African bishop: Condoms tainted with AIDS”
MAPUTO, Mozambique (Reuters) - The head of the Catholic church in Mozambique said on Wednesday he believed some European-made condoms were deliberately tainted with the HIV/AIDS virus to kill African people.
“I know of two countries in Europe who are making condoms with (the) virus on purpose, they want to finish with African people as part of their program to colonize the continent,” Archbishop Francisco Chimoio told Reuters.
“If we are not careful we will finish in one century.
“I also know some companies who are manufacturing anti-retroviral drugs already infected with the virus, also in order to finish quickly the African people,” Chimoio said.
He declined to name the European countries in question or the source of his allegations.
The Catholic Church, followed by 17 percent of Mozambique’s population, opposes the use of condoms.
“People must choose what they want between death and I propose to them that (abstinence) is the best way to fight HIV/AIDS,” Chimoio said.
More than 16 percent of Mozambique’s 19 million people, mostly economically active adults aged between 14 and 49, are infected with HIV/AIDS. About 500 infections are recorded every day, according to the health department.
–WKW
He crawled out of the bunker and look skyward. Taking a deep breath, he again checked the gauges. The coast was clear.
It had been a long, torturous haul. The incessant boredom had nearly driven him mad. His wife had left him, taking their child. His career was over.
But he had survived. He had outlasted Xenu.
William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.:
There has been so much talk going on recently about the faith of bloggers that it’s really reached an uncomfortable level. It’s really become more an invasion of privacy than anything else. While I understand that many readers and many in the media believe it’s important to know where bloggers stand in relation to the supernatural, how I define myself is between me and family.
So enough with all the questions. Is he a Pagan? Is he a Satanist. Is he a Shape Shifter? Is he a Scientologist? These things are nothing compared to my overarching faith. The most important thing is that I am a Druid. I think that’s something we can all embrace, as we move on to other more important issues, like health care and magical lakes and trees.
Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.
–WKW
Seeing that Ben Stein wrote some type of column for Forbes - I believe the nut graph of the whole thing was “If Ben Stein can get a loan, things aren’t so bad,” or something - I wondered in what other nation would a raving creationist also be getting column inches in a major financial mag?
I was thinking about seeing Stein’s flick on creationism (Intelligent design, creationism, whatever) called “Expelled” but it seems Jason at Unsought Input has done a fine job summarizing it:
The movie Expelled, in a sense, is nothing new. It follows the established tactics of the creationist / intelligent design crowd, trying to fight the “materialistic” “darwinists” in the court of public opinion rather than in the labs or peer-reviewed journals. It’s yet another attack on science.
“And what’s so wrong with that,” you might ask, “this is a democracy after all.”
We don’t do science by popular vote for the same reason that we don’t design bridges and perform heart surgery using a jury of our peers. The value of a scientific theory can only be judged by it’s correspondence to reality and it’s predictive power.
And PZ Myers adds:
Oh, and putting Ben Stein in short pants and playing “Bad to the Bone” does not make him a rebel. He’s a Republican apologist, and he’s not “cool” at all.
So Stein is simultaneously pimping creationism while giving people feel-good economics’ help. And it seems as though he has the same faith-based opinion on both. Only in the U.S.
–WKW
Cornell Barnard woke up yesterday likely thinking it to be just a run-of-the-mill slow news day. Then, the news came over the wire - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was resigning.
Of course, the folks at ABC affiliate News 10 wouldn’t let him anywhere near a story like that, so he went for the next best thing - covering a big story about a woman seeing Jesus Christ in her fence.
“Lodi Woman Sees Face of Jesus on Fence”
Emily West was doing some meditating over the weekend in her sister’s backyard in central Lodi when something caught her eye.
“I looked up and saw the face of Christ in the fence and I said, “Whoa,” West said.
She called her sister Ana over to ask what she saw. She too agreed, it was the Son of God.
Congratulations to Emily West and her agreeable sister on their divine find. More importantly, hats off to some great work by Barnard, who very likely is on his way to his second Associated Press Best Spot News Award and second Emmy for Best Feature Reporting.
Well played, Cornell. The news hungry folks of Sacramento, Stockton, Modesto and Lodi are lucky to have you.
–WKW
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought I’d be writing to you, but here I am. I’m still amazed it happened to me. I am but a simple Atheist. Well, I thought I was an Atheist but now I know I am not. And what a sexy conversion it has been.
His name was William D. And he taught me all about Virtue, both figuratively and literally.
Let me start at the beginning: I was in the library surfing the Internet. Sometimes I can get so overwhelmed with my deep, burning passion for knowledge that I can shriek out without even knowing. “There is so much to learn!” I shouted passionately.
“Oh, you’d learn a lot. You’d learn about virtue,” said William D., emerging from the shadows.
I was transfixed. His virtue was enormous. I had always mocked the virtuous, but I was unable to in William D.’s case. He had virtue that seemed God-given. “But I don’t believe in God,” thought I, my chest heaving, my mind racing.
His hand slid down my firm yet supple spine.
“Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children,” said William D.
I was confused. Firm and supple, yet confused. All this talk about Hollywood and anal sex and families from this man of virtue had me strangely aroused.
“What is that smell,” I asked, breathing in deeply, my stiff nostrils sucking in the air, the scent tantalizing. “It’s almost freakish.”
“Freakish still is the idea that humans have rights by virtue of nature and nature’s God,” said William D.
I swooned. The words and smells had a hold on my trim, yet curvy mind. His hand moved to my leg.
“This is just so uncivil,” I said, turgid with anticipation.
“But civility and community are both predicated on the individual being subordinate to the interest of society. If you make a fetish of individual rights, you are going to emasculate that community,” said William D., virtue booming from his voice.
I was his. He guided me from the library into a cab. Before long we were at my place. I was to be converted. I could no longer deny it. Still I foolishly thought I could fight him.
“Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular … Hollywood likes anal sex,” he said, virtue literally dripping from the corner of his mouth. He sexily dabbed at it with a handkerchief.
Virtue. Why was it having such an affect on me? Why were my defenses slowly falling to the wayside for this mature, sweaty man? Why, why?
“In this country, we are civilized. We don’t appreciate it when somebody sticks it to you in the name of freedom of speech, sir,” said William D.
My taut body erupted in ecstasy.
“Stick it to me, Sir,” said I.
I woke up the next morning alone. I felt used up. My world had been rocked. I would never be the same. More than anything, I wanted to tithe. I had an epiphany - I was now Catholic. Dear God in heaven, I was Catholic, virtues and all.
I was on my feet again, sprinting back to the library as fast as my sinewy, muscular legs could carry me. My heart was ripping through my taut chest. I had to know. Virtue. What did it mean? How did William D. use Virtue to turn me into this - a man with Catholicism and virtue nearly bursting from his every orifice. I had to know.
When I got back to the computer and checked the Internet again, I saw the answer - Virtue Perfume.
I navigated to the Virtue Perfume Web site and was rocked to my very core. I read the descriptions, sweat cascading down my smooth stomach:
“Mist on your wrist and indulge your senses. You immediately note, with delight, that this is no ordinary perfume. You want to involve yourself with it’s uplifting character and take it’s subtle journey, ever deeper, into it’s enduring and memorable essence.”
Memorable essence. An image of William D. exploded in my mind and my now-Catholic loins. I read on:
“Practically all religions and Spiritual practices, persons of high Spiritual attainment are known to give off a fragrance, attributed to their Virtue. Christ, many of the Saints, and numerous others with highly developed spirituality, are, historically, known to have given off such a fragrance.”
And there it was. It all came flooding back to me. Virtue. Hollywood. Anal sex. Virtue. Jews. Anal sex. Catholicism. Emasculate. Virtue.
“In other words, we were creating a fragrance to lead people to their own Virtue.”
I shuddered. I had been led to my virtue. I would never be the same, thanks to William D. And Virtue.
–WKW
When you hear the term “Clergy Response Team,” doesn’t it make you feel good and warm inside? Because while you may not be ready for martial law, they are. And so is the U.S. military. So start tithing and hide your guns.
“Homeland Security Enlists Clergy to Quell Public Unrest if Martial Law Ever Declared”
… gun confiscation is exactly what happened during the state of emergency following Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, along with forced relocation. U.S. Troops also arrived, something far easier to do now, thanks to last year’s elimination of the 1878 Posse Comitatus act, which had forbid regular U.S. Army troops from policing on American soil.
If martial law were enacted here at home, like depicted in the movie “The Siege”, easing public fears and quelling dissent would be critical. And that’s exactly what the ‘Clergy Response Team’ helped accomplish in the wake of Katrina.
Dr. Durell Tuberville serves as chaplain for the Shreveport Fire Department and the Caddo Sheriff’s Office. Tuberville said of the clergy team’s mission, “the primary thing that we say to anybody is, ‘let’s cooperate and get this thing over with and then we’ll settle the differences once the crisis is over.’”
Such clergy response teams would walk a tight-rope during martial law between the demands of the government on the one side, versus the wishes of the public on the other. “In a lot of cases, these clergy would already be known in the neighborhoods in which they’re helping to diffuse that situation,” assured Sandy Davis. He serves as the director of the Caddo-Bossier Office of Homeland Security and Emergency Preparedness.
For the clergy team, one of the biggest tools that they will have in helping calm the public down or to obey the law is the bible itself, specifically Romans 13. Dr. Tuberville elaborated, “because the government’s established by the Lord, you know. And, that’s what we believe in the Christian faith. That’s what’s stated in the scripture.”
Comforted yet?
Some more Sunday reading:
Finally, via Memoirs of a Skepchick, Bill Moyers says goodbye to the agnostic Karl Rove:
–WKW
Is it that time already?
It’s just work, work, work with this guy.
–WKW
Thanks to Melissa McEwan for the graphic.
It’s not easy being Stephen Baldwin. Mainly due to the fact that he’s, you know, Stephen Baldwin. But also due to the fact that he can’t even keep a job with Jesus - or the Defense Department. It seems the Defense Department has decided to avoid completely crapping on the Separation of Church and State portion of the Constitution. For now, at least.
‘DOD Stops Plan to Send Christian Video Game to Troops in Iraq’
Plans by a Christian group to send an evangelical video game to U.S. troops in Iraq were abruptly halted yesterday by the Department of Defense after ABC News inquired about the program.
Operation Start Up (OSU) Tour, an evangelical entertainment troupe that actively proselytizes among soldiers, will not be sending the “apocryphal” video game in care packages as planned, according to the department.
“Left Behind: Eternal Forces” was inspired by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins’ best-selling book series about the battle of Armageddon, in which believers of Jesus Christ fight the Antichrist.
The game has inspired controversy among freedom of religion advocates since it was released last year.
“It’s a horrible game,” said the Rev. Timothy Simpson of the Christians Alliance for Progress. “You either kill or covert the other side. This is exactly what the Osama bin Ladens of the world have portrayed us.”
…
OSU Tour is one of the newest members of the Defense Department’s America Supports You program, which connects citizens and corporations with members of the military and their families at home and abroad.
OSU Tour’s entertainment aims to help military children and families become stronger through faith-based entertainment, according to its Web site. Sports personalities, comedians and actors, including Stephen Baldwin, make up the show.
OSU president Jonathan Sprinks in a recent press release said of Baldwin, “Since God made a difference in his life, he’s been very outspoken.”
–WKW
