Get your Exorcise

As war and economic woes spread through the world like wildfire, the Catholic Church is ready to help – by finding more exorcists.

Citing a shortage of priests who can perform the rite, the nation’s Roman Catholic bishops are sponsoring a conference on how to conduct exorcisms.

The two-day training, starting Friday in Baltimore, is to outline the scriptural basis of evil, instruct clergy on evaluating whether a person is truly possessed, and review the prayers and rituals that comprise an exorcism. Among the speakers will be Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, archbishop of Galveston-Houston, Texas, and a priest-assistant to New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan.

Two days and you can be an exorcist. McDonalds won’t let you on the fryolator after two days.

HT AmericaBlog

–WKW

Let the Tax Man cometh for God

“Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”

If there has been one phrase reverberating across the United States the past decade or so, it’s that “Freedom isn’t Free.” So why is Freedom of Religion free?

As conservatives and liberals alike fret over the current U.S. deficit, Republicans have made it clear that they believe any new taxes would stifle growth and hurt business both large and small. But religion is not a business.

Ok, those last six words are, of course, terribly naive, but are correct in at least a figurative sense. A Church or religion is not a charity. They may commit acts of charity, but it is done for a singular purpose – to encourage people to follow their beliefs. The more that follow those beliefs, the more money is taken in by the church or religious entity.

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Yes, I dabbled in Christianity

I dabbled in Christianity. I never joined a church. I did. I did. I dabbled into Christianity. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up.

I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a Christian was at a Christian alter, and I didn’t even know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a picnic at a Christian alter. I know.

–WKW

Sharia Law for everyone!

It’s time for Sharia Law to come to the United States. This nation has settled into a moral and economic funk that only a healthy dose of Sharia Law can fix.

Oh sure, you’ve probably heard lots of bad things about Sharia Law. You probably think that it’s an Islamic plot to overthrow the world and control humanity. But this information – provided to you by the likes of Newt Gingrich – is based on ignorance and bigotry.

Here are just a few examples of how Sharia Law will make things better for everyone:

• Getting stoned will finally be legalized.
• Free Cake on Wednesdays.
• Ramadan will cure national obesity epidemic, and work off all that cake.
• A whole new “Veil Industry” will provide good jobs for Americans.
• Automatic weapons will be available at gas stations.
• People who can’t dance will no longer feel ashamed.
• And much, much more!

So, am I suggesting that the U.S. be ruled by Sharia Law? Hell yes I am! Trust me on this, it would be a non-stop cake party. And America would regain its place as the greatest nation in the history of nations.

Of course, there’s no chance in hell Sharia Law will become the law of the land in the U.S. But if you’re going to be ignorant about something that will never happen, why not pretend it’s a great thing rather than be terrified of it?

–WKW

Jesus Saves (batteries not included)

From Jesus of the Week comes a product every red-blooded, terrorist-fearing American Christian needs – the Threat Alert Jesus:

With all the insanity going on with terrorist threats in Times Square, I’d say now is a good time to replace the two AA batteries in your Terror Alert Jesus.

You and your family can rest a little easier in your homes and vehicles, while the eternally watchful Jesus’ holy halo glows orange and red.

Or, as the ad says, “When he turns red – get under the bed!”

Just $19.95 (plus tax and shipping. Jesus has his limits) and this life-and-soul saving product could be yours. Because Jesus saves, provided you remember the batteries.

HT Partially Examined Life

–WKW

Anti-Muslims protest Mosque to be built on top of Mosque

SEATTLE – “Do I need honor these people and pretend that they are worthy of the privileges of the First Amendment which I have in my gut the sense that they will abuse?” cried out Marty Peretz.

“Where are the peaceful Muslims?! Where are the peaceful Muslims?” wrote Sarah Palin on her Facebook page.

No, the pair of Conservative standard-bearers were not, in fact complaining about Cordoba House in New York. They were instead complaining about another Mosque project, this one in Seattle. In West Seattle, the same group that is putting together the Mosque near Ground Zero is now taking on another controversial project – building a mosque directly on top of another Mosque.

“We’ve suffered!!!!!,” wrote Palin on her Facebook page. “You betcha!”

Newt Gingrich, another moderate Republican also came out against the idea of a mosque on a mosque, saying that unlike the economy, this will be a real issue in the coming elections.

“People come to Seattle and they see that mosque, and it gives them pain,” said Gingrich. “Now, they will see a mosque on top of THAT mosque, and they will feel more pain.

“I say we just do what Saudi Arabia does and hang the lot of them,” added Gingrich.

While there have been no official statements from the builders yet, the entire Middle East has erupted in joy over the announcement.

“Wait, you are telling me that there is already a mosque there, and now, they are going to build a mosque on top of that mosque?” So there will now be two mosques where there once was one?” said Ali Al-Zaben in Yemen. “Praise Allah! We have won 9-11! America has fallen and must live by Sharia Law. This is just wonderful. But, wait, you are sure it is a Mosque on top of the Mosque, right? Not a community center? That matters.”

Tea Party organizers in Seattle have said that they have thus far gathered 13 signatures against the mosque on top of the mosque and plan to protest the mosques next Sept. 11.

“This gives us time to plan,” said Tea Party organizer Tim Johnson.

Still, some want more decisive action, more quickly.

“This is all about Obama and his Kenyan Theoretical Government Assessment Secular Tribal Theories,” said Gingrich, a 2012 Presidential hopeful. “Obama wants the Muslims to win. And if we allow them to double-deck a mosque in Seattle, we will have given up all hope in this war against the Muslim people. Or whatever.”

–WKW

God shoots self in Las Vegas Hotel room

LAS VEGAS – The age old question – could God create a shotgun big enough to blow his own brains out? – has finally been answered. And that answer is, yes. Yes he can.

God was found dead yesterday at the Wynn Las Vegas of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

“At this point, we see nothing that suggests foul play,” said lead detective Timothy Johnson. “We found a suicide note at the scene.”

This is the second controversial incident to take place at Wynn Las Vegas. Earlier this week, heiress Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession upon leaving the resort.

God, 43, has long been considered the top deity in the world, and has gone by numerous aliases in the past. Johnson said they found numerous passports in the room, including some with the names “God,” “Allah,” and “John Lennon,” amongst others.

The suicide note was acquired by the renegade Web Site WikiLeaks, which immediately published key portions of the hand-written, often meandering document.

“To Whom it may concern,” wrote God, with immaculate penmanship, “despite a divine, infinite existence, I have grown so weary of you morons that I could no longer bear the pain.”

The document went on to say that while God had been able to work through holy wars, beheadings, pedophile priests and Pat Boone, recent events had made things too difficult to handle.

“I have long spoke about false prophets, but I look over, and there’s Glenn Beck preaching about me as if he is me. And right next to him is Sarah Palin. She believes in witch doctors and speaking in tongues, for My sake. And Beck? He’s a Mormon! A Mormon! Do you even know what they believe?,” wrote God.

“And the whole thing was about lower taxes and how social justice is evil! It’s official, I failed.”

God stated that it was physicist Stephen Hawking that pushed him over the edge.

“When Hawking said I didn’t exist, I thought, ‘well, sounds about right to me.’”

God added that he’d be trying to reach out to the human race for the past few years, but no one seemed to care.

“I sent you a sent you a massive earthquake in Haiti, and you did not notice. I blew up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, you didn’t notice. I drowned Pakistan, you were not to be bothered. There’s turmoil, war and death everywhere, but nothing. Screw you guys, I’m out of here,” wrote God.

“Good luck with Beck and Palin and their ilk, folks,” God finished. “You’re going to need it. XOXOXOXO.”

As for Hilton, her case is still in the preliminary stages. Comedian Jerry Lewis said he was much more perturbed about the actions of those like Hilton than by the death of God.

“I think she need a f**king spanking! She has the intelligence of a box of rocks!” said Lewis.

Nonetheless, Hilton denies all charges and says she will redeem herself.

“This is so not cool,” said Hilton. “But I’ll be ok.”

Las Vegas officials have warned of larger-than-normal crowds this weekend as curious travelers come to view the site where Hilton was arrested and God killed itself. Las Vegas Tourism official Ned Flanders said that the city could handle the crowds.

“Oh, we’ll be fine,”said Flanders. “Try not to miss PeepShow, by the way. It features a bold and powerful woman with all the answers, who guides the timid “Bo”, a modern woman who has yet to find her own power, on a swift journey of awakening and self-discovery.

“It’s really hot,” added Flanders.

–WKW

Obama Must Attend Westboro Baptist Church

America faces few problems worse than where and when Barack Obama goes to church. Sure, there are environmental catastrophes to worry about, an economy that shows no interest in bouncing back, wars on God knows how many fronts and unemployment high enough to make Herbert Hoover cringe.

But this is America. And Christ matters.

With 20 percent of Americans believing that Obama is actually a Muslim, it’s time for Obama to turn that tide. He and his family must join the whitest, most conservative Christian Church as possible.

This is why I believe Obama needs to start attending Westboro Baptist Church. Because if there’s one thing you can say about Fred Phelps’ group, it’s that they certainly aren’t Muslim. Crazed, hateful theocrats? Sure. But not Muslims.

Of course, Phelps and his followers have little respect for Obama, being convinced he’s the anti-Christ, and all, but a weekly excursion to Topeka, Kansas should change that. Obama is exceedingly personable and can tithe like few others. He will quickly become a popular figure.

And while some may blanch at Westboro’s “God Hates Fags” motto, Obama should be able to fit right in, not with words but with actions. Obama still believes gays and lesbians should not be allowed to serve in the military, and he also believes that Gays & Lesbians should be able to be fired for the offense of being Gay or Lesbian. At this stage of the game, Obama fits right in with Phelps’ Phreaks.

Mostly, though, church will be a place for Obama to go think. In an impromptu poll taken by the Chronicles, we’ve discovered that 80 percent of churchgoers don’t pay a lick of attention during a mass. By attending Westboro Baptist, Obama can have at least an hour of private time where he can contemplate the nation’s ills, how LeBron James will fit with the Miami Heat, and other important issues.

By attending Westboro Baptist Church, Obama will convince those 20 percent that he is not a Muslim. Sure, he’ll lose the other 80 percent entirely, but he can worry about that later. What matters now is that he just go to a Christian church. Any Christian church. Because only then can he get Politico, NPR, CNN, and other media sources off his back.

Because only by going to a Christian church regularly can Barack Obama include himself in the vast majority of Americans who go to a Christian church because they think they’re supposed to and spend the mass thinking about football.

Because, at the very least, thinking about football in a Christian church is much more politically important than debating whether Obama is Muslim or not.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Taxing Your Faith

When you have the money to paint your churches gold, you have enough money to pay income tax, says I.

Wolfrum’s Word

Freedom isn’t free. So why is freedom of religion tax-free? At my latest post at “Alan Colmes Presents Liberaland,” I take a look at whether it’s time to pull the non-profit rug from underneath Churches.

News/Politics

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Holy Spirit quits Holy Trinity to embark on solo career

Holy Spirit announced today that he has left the Holy Trinity in order to pursue a solo career.

“For too long, I have been an overlooked member of this Supergroup, relegated to such things as telling girls when God impregnated them,” said Spirit, his mother sitting beside him for the duration of the interview. “Finally, people will get to see what my work is all about.”

Long considered the “Ringo” of the Holy Trinity to God and Son’s Lennon and McCartney, Spirit has long spoke of a potential move. While the sheer number of true followers Spirit will take with him are staggering, the fact that no one really understands the concept of the Holy Spirit will likely make a solo career tougher for him.

Spirit (Real Name: Tim Johnson) is the incomprehensible “essence of God,” but that will likely be a tough sale says industry analyst Jens Beckerhenmen.

[Read more]

Ted Haggard over-repents, shooting past straight and right back to Gay

COLORADO – Hours after admitting that his sexual liason with a male prostitute was a “massage gone awry,” Ted Haggard has admitted he is again feeling Gay urges.

“What can I say,” said Haggard. “I over-repented and shot straight past being straight.”

Haggard, who gets paid to tell people how they are supposed to act, was forced to resign nearly four years ago as president of the politically powerful National Association of Evangelicals and to step down from the megachurch he founded, after admitting that he had bought methamphetamine from, and had a sexual encounter with a gay prostitute.

This time around, Haggard said it was a trip to a steam bath gone horribly wrong.

“I’m just minding my heterosexual business having a steam and then all hell broke loose,” said Haggard. “Then all of a sudden I’m doing meth and having sex with a dude named Chuck. I blame the steam.”

Haggard recently started a new church in his backyard and has built his congregation to more than 200 in just two months.

“Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football,” said Haggard, who also admitted to electrocuting a puppy during a “trip to a dog park gone awry.”

While this latest setback threatens his non-stop attempt to tell Gays and Lesbians they are going to Hell, Haggard said he feels like he’s ready to give it all one more shot.

“I need to be leading a church,” said Haggard. “I’m hoping that this time around, I repent the exact right amount to be heterosexual.”

–WKW

God & the Oil Spill: A lack of leadership

On April 20, 2010, British Petroleum’s Deep Water Horizon oil rig exploded, killing 11 men and allowing millions of gallons of oil to gush into the Gulf of Mexico. Almost immediately the call went out to him. Yet there was no reply.

Since then, the call to him has been made by many, from President Barack Obama to ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. And still no response. God, it appears, is refusing to take a leadership position when he’s needed the most.

Yes, in the two months since the oil began destroying the livlihoods of fisherman and the Gulf of Mexico, God has had no comment. This despite incessant pleas for help from the Louisiana Senate, from U.S. Bishops and Gulf pastors, as well as hundreds of thousands of Americans.

But God has turned a blind eye.

Some have chastised God’s unwillingness to help, claiming he has spent far too much time helping soccer players score goals in the World Cup (they all thank him after scoring). Others were irked at his appearances at the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach. Yes, while the Gulf of Mexico is being destroyed, God golfs.

Others have been sharper in their criticism, stating that God caused the oil spill in order to pass comprehensive energy legislation, or to force Americans off their addiction to fossil fuels. Some have even gone so far as to suggest God is punishing America for gorging on shellfish.

At this point, all arguments must be considered. Because while the nation is being implored to reach out to God for help, God – who thousands of years ago couldn’t shut up – has been silent. There has been no strategic oil spill clean-up plan coming from God and no plans on helping fisherman. There has been nothing but silence.

The time for leadership is now. If God is unwilling or unable to help America out in its great time of need, perhaps he’s just not the God we thought he was. Perhaps now is the time to look to Allah, or Satan, or some other supernatural being with engineering know how.

The clock is ticking. Oil is still spewing. And God is showcasing an incredible lack of leadership, if not outright incompetence in helping the situation. This is America and results matter, and if God can’t take control of this situation, then maybe it’s time we stopped looking to the heavens for a miracle.

–WKW

Breaking: Sprinkling Holy Water on Atheists doesn’t hurt them

Like all incidents involving Holy Water and Satanic Haitian rituals, there still are many unanswered questions to this story of two women trying to de-Satan-ify an Atheist.

POMPANO BEACH — Two teachers accused of sprinkling holy water onto an avowed atheist colleague have been removed from the classroom, and may be fired.

The teacher who was allegedly sprinkled filed a complaint with the Broward County school district, which is investigating the incident as an act of bullying.

At the center of the investigation are Blanche Ely High School reading teachers Leslie Rainer and Djuna Robinson, who profess that they are Christians. They are accused of sprinkling holy water onto fellow teacher Schandra Tompkinsel Rodriguez. …

… In response to one student’s remark that the disaster in Haiti happened because of God’s wrath on the island nation over a pact its leaders made with Satan more than 200 years ago, Rodriguez reportedly began refuting Christianity.

The alleged Satanic pact in question reportedly occurred at Bois-Caïman, near Cap-Haïtien, on August 14, 1791, during a voodoo ceremony held by enslaved Africans. The reported pact came before the slave rebellion and start of the Haitian Independence War, in which rebel leaders offered the reported agreement in exchange for a victory against the French Army.

One thing to note: The only thing you can do with Holy Water is “sprinkle” it. Even when “sprinkling” it on unwilling participants.

–WKW

Pope-flavored condoms – finally

If you just trust the free market, everything will work out. Becaue what we’ve all been waiting for – pope-flavored inspired condoms – are finally available:

AMSTERDAM (Reuters Life!) – A Dutch sex shop will be giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms” this weekend in a dig at the Roman Catholic Church.

De Condoomfabriek (The Condom Factory) said it wanted to make a point about sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and the Vatican’s opposition to contraceptives.

While the Catholic Church is famous for telling followers from HIV/AIDS decimated countries that condoms do more harm than good, we’re still not aware if they use condoms when practicing pedophilia. The Pope has hidden those records, after all.

–WKW

Atheists win! Mojave Desert Cross is stolen!

This is just great news. Atheists around the world must be applauding the theft of the controversial Mojave Desert cross. This is a great moment for Atheists and the time is at hand to spread our lack of belief around the planet. The cross has been stolen, and it is a great sign.

From Yahoo:

A cross erected on a remote Mojave Desert outcropping to honor American war dead has been stolen less than two weeks after the U.S. Supreme Court allowed it to remain standing while a legal battle continued over its presence on federal land.

Versions of the memorial have been vandalized repeatedly in the last 75 years and the motive this time was not immediately known, but the theft was condemned Tuesday by veterans groups that support the cross and by civil libertarians that saw it as a violation of the constitutional separation of church and state.

“The American Legion expects whoever is responsible for this vile act to be brought to justice,” said Clarence Hill, the group’s national commander.

Again, everyone, this is just a huge victory for all of us, and a damning blow against Christianity. I struggle to see how they’ll recover from this one. Now let’s start converting them to Atheism.

–WKW

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