William K. Wolfrum

As an American, I’m always on the lookout for endeavors that would be considered heroic. This is generally easy enough because any and all American endeavors are heroic, by definition. But this time, I see that the country is in need, and I will fill that need.

You see, recently, President George W. Bush has stated several hundred times that there have been no new oil refineries built since 1976 and that America could really use some new ones. Bush never points out that no one has offered to build a refinery since 1976, but such lapses are to be accepted from the President, who is busy with other activities such as not golfing.

This is where I will heroically step in. I will build an oil refinery.

Now sure, there will be naysayers, saying nay, as they are prone to do. But I am serious about this. Some may look at my record and see that I have no experience in the oil industry, no knowledge of engineering, and have even failed miserably in attempts to build simple models of sports cars and the such. But I am an American. And everything an American sets out to do can be done.

This project will by no means be simple. However, having recently seen the film “There Will Be Blood,” I feel I have the gist of the oil industry. To put it in layperson’s terms, there’s a lot of milkshake out there that needs some refining. And I plan on refining the holy hell out of it.

I will need help, of course. Primarily I’ll need one of those no-bid government contracts. For say, $300 billion, to start. And if we could make it one of those cost-plus deals, well, that would be just great.

But I’ll also need help from many other Americans. This is the beauty of my plan. Not only will I build a refinery, I will put Americans to work. Because I’d have to assume I’d need a lot of workers to build an oil refinery. Welders, especially. That just seems like a no brainer. Lots of welding needed to build a refinery.

In the end, I envision one hell of an oil refinery. People will bring me oil, all crude and disheveled, and I will refine it. And people will say “Wow, that sure is some refined oil. That sure was a great idea to build an oil refinery. Especially after Exxon, Shell, BP, etc., refused to build one since 1976.”

So my friends, I hope you work with me on this massive project that will save America. Together, we can build a refinery that will have Americans paying $.50 a gallon at the pump and a good steak will only cost a nickel. All because of my refinery.

I have already begun the planning stages for the refinery, and have found the perfect location for it, which you can see by clicking here.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

–WKW

Seriously, you people and your worries about the economy. Just chill out. After all, Exxon is doing fantastic, as is Shell. And so is Halliburton.

“Halliburton jumps on revenue, growth”

HOUSTON (AP) — Oilfield services provider Halliburton Co. said Monday its fourth-quarter profit rose almost 5 percent from a year ago, helped by growing business in the Eastern Hemisphere, where the company is placing greater resources.

Net income in the October-December period rose to $690 million, or 75 cents per share, compared with $658 million, or 64 cents a share, during the same period a year ago.

Halliburton’s quarterly revenue rose 19 percent to $4.2 billion from $3.5 billion in the previous year, topping analysts’ estimates of $4.1 billion.

“I am very pleased with our performance in 2007,” said Dave Lesar, the company’s chairman and chief executive. “We’re particularly pleased by our growth in the Eastern Hemisphere, where revenue increased 27 percent year-over-year, and operating income increased 26 percent year-over-year.”

So really, people just need to relax about the economy. It’s all going as they planned.

–WKW

New research is showing that lead exposure, like tobacco and asbestos, can have long-term effects on humans, with early lead exposure hastening brain aging later in life.

While the U.S. pushed through laws against the usage of lead in such things as paint and gasoline (fighting the lead industry the entire way), the Bush Administration’s anti-science beliefs and stance that business should be allowed to do anything to anyone at any time to make profits means that lead exposure will very likely be a future health problem for today’s children.

From the Environmental Working Group:

The Bush administration’s proposed 2005 budget cuts $35 million from the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD)’s lead poisoning prevention program, a 20 percent reduction from the previous year. The program pays for expert home evaluations and repairs to prevent young children from being exposed to lead-contaminated dust, soil and paint chips (Washington Post 2004). Primary prevention is the key to ending future lead poisoning and the related personal and social costs. Cuts to this program serve only to perpetuate unnecessary lead poisoning of future generations.

This is not the first time that the Bush administration has hindered lead poisoning prevention efforts. In 2002, in a move that catered to the interests of the lead industry, the Bush Administration shuffled the appointments to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) Advisory Committee on Childhood Lead Poisoning Prevention, replacing reputable public health and pediatric lead experts with panelists with a history of defending the lead industry in the courts.

More simply put, from Bradford Plumer of The New Republic (via N.Y. Times Opinionator Blog):

“The Bush administration loves lead. Loves it. They want it everywhere. Okay, that’s only a slight exaggeration: Back in 2002, the White House tried to stack an advisory committee on lead regulations with industry types. Last December, the administration announced that it would consider doing away with the standards that cut lead from gasoline, at the behest of battery makers and lead smelters. And its EPA has weakened a rule on removing lead paint from older residences.”

George W. Bush will spend tonight trying to talk up his conservative legacy, but his legacy is set in stone, as future generations will not only be forced to clean up his fiscal and foreign relations disasters, but they’ll also suffer physically from his and conservatism’s actions.

–WKW

Let’s stop with all this “whiff of panic” talk, shall we? Sure, the stock market is having trouble and the dollar ain’t what it used to be. But Exxon is doing fantastic!

“Exxon guns for profit record”

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — Exxon Mobil, the world’s largest publicly traded oil company, is within striking distance of setting an all-time profit record - again.

Analysts are expecting the company to post solid quarterly and full-year earnings next Friday (see correction below) - and if the results top forecasts, Exxon (XOM, Fortune 500) could end up reporting the highest profit ever for a U.S. company.

With oil prices having recently crossed the $100 a barrel threshold, it comes as no surprise that Exxon is a whisker away from setting a new milestone.

“Exxon is likely to have record quarterly earnings,” said Fadel Gheit, a senior energy analyst at Oppenheimer. “For every $1 [increase] in the price of oil, Exxon makes [another] $125 million for the quarter.”

When asked if Exxon could top profit records, another analyst said: “That’s not out of the realm of possibility.”

The company is expected to earn $10.37 billion in the fourth quarter, according to earnings tracker Thomson Financial. That’s about $330 million shy of Exxon’s previous quarterly profit record of $10.7 billion set in the fourth quarter of 2005 - which also was a record for any U.S. corporation.

In winner-take-all capitalism, it’s pretty obvious who the winners are, isn’t it?

–WKW

Ok, that headline may come off as misleading. Actually, Conservative economic policies and the Bush Administration have been the ones that have lead the U.S. economy to the point where the world is starting to engage in widespread panic.

But, six of one, half-a-dozen of the other.

But the evidence is overwhelming. Fox Business Network came on the air on Oct. 15, 2007. According to Barry Ritholtz: “On the last trading day before FBC debuted, the Dow closed at 14,093.”

On that Friday, Oct. 19, 2007: The Dow Jones Industrial Average sank 366.94 points, or 2.64%, to 13,522.02. The S&P 500 was off 39.45 points, or 2.56%, at 1500.63, and the Nasdaq Composite plunged 74.15 points, or 2.65%, to 2725.16.

At this moment, the Dow is at 12,099.30.

Yes, in just four months since FBN came on the air, the Dow Jones has lost 2,000 points. And pretty much every other economic factor you can find has plunged, as well. As for the world’s economy since then? Well, check any business or news Web site.

In 2007, Rupert Murdoch said CNBC is too “negative towards business” and that Fox Business would be more “business friendly.”

Yeah, that seems to be working.

So while stock market and economic experts spend the day desperately trying to figure out the whats and whys of the current U.S. and world economic downturn, I figure my analysis is just as worthy as theirs.

So I blame Fox and Rupert Murdoch. And by extension, the people they are fronting.

–WKW

While it still seems a longshot to actually happen, should President Bush get his dream of giving a tax rebate to “stimulate the economy,” it seems like it’s even more of a longshot that it would have any lasting effect on the economy. Basically, it will be Bush once again opening up the treasury and dumping money out of it, with most aimed toward those who already have plenty of money to spare.

If it does happen, and the average taxpayer is given $800 or so to go buy doo-dads and fancy jeans, how about we - the average American citizen who cares about the United States and its citizens - do something with that money that would matter.

Like find a way to make sure all children in the nation have health care.

Doing a little simple math makes it seem not as ludicrous as it seems at first blush: One million people donate their tax rebates = $800 million. Two million taxpayers do it = $1.6 billion. Think of what could be done.

Obviously, it would take more than just donating the money to some charity, but why would it be such an impossible task? Our side can organize. We know people. We can help Americans since the government won’t. And if they are giving us the startup funds, why not take advantage. One big hunk of money can go a long way. Just ask Alaskans.

Maybe we’d want to start something to benefit the environment instead? Or help Katrina victims who’ve seen the government turn its back on them? Or on any number of things the government has refused to act on. Because let’s be honest, for the U.S. right now, much more than just the economy needs stimulated.

I haven’t exactly plotted out a game plan for this, mind you. I’m just running the idea up a flagpole. Trying to plant a seed if it were. Yeah, it would be a real longshot to pull an idea like this off. But, at least, it seems truly, well, American.

And at very least, it would be one cool way to spend $800, eh?

Just something to think about.

–WKW

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Economy has fled to Dubai, and has threatened to never return unless its left alone, sources say.

“It seems quite serious,” said a senior administration official.

There had been reports that the U.S. Economy was seen in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, trying to strengthen itself by selling T-shirts and other souvenir items to tourists, but that report was quashed after it was discovered that it was not the Economy in Mexico selling souvenirs, but was, in actuality, Maggie Johannsen, a former real estate agent from Austin, Texas.

Instead, the CIA has apparently retraced the daring escape of the U.S. Economy to Dubai, which began with it sneaking onto Air Force One during President George W. Bush’s recent trip to the Middle East.

“You’d think someone would notice the entire economy sneaking into the baggage department,” said the official. “But apparently it just stayed quiet and munched on useless mortgages to survive the trip.”

The U.S. Economy has been beset by problems over the last several years, from the sub-prime crisis, to its use in Iraq, to a ballooning trade deficit, as well as to a massive federal debt.

In an unverified letter to the American people, the U.S. Economy said it likely won’t return to American soil for generations, if ever.

“At this stage, I’m much more at home in Dubai,” wrote the U.S. Economy in a handwritten, confusing diatribe which no one really understood but pretended they did. “More foreign banks own me now, anyway. I can’t imagine coming back any time soon.”

Still, President Bush and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke have said the U.S. Economy should return any minute from its “vacation” and that the new season of American Idol was shaping up to be the best ever.

“The economy is in really good shape,” said President Bush in a radio address. “How many other economies can just jump up and take a vacation?”

Bush added that he still plans on going through with a temporary, broad-based tax relief package, that should help spur the economy, or at very least get it back within U.S. borders.

“This plan is a solid one,” said Bush. “All American taxpayers will be receiving a check from the government soon, I hope. Just wait on cashing it.”

For his part, Bernanke seemed completely unconcerned of the recent developments, and even stopped his press conference to comment on the Fox show “American Idol.”

“That Paula Abdul is a hottie, eh,” said Bernanke. “And Simon, don’t get me started. Seriously, everyone should watch that show.”

Still, Bernanke said that the U.S. Economy should return to American soil sooner, rather than later.

“The President of the U.S. has knelt before King Abdullah and tearfully begged him to drop oil prices, just a little, if at all possible,” said Bernanke. “Whether it’s tax stimulus packages or weeping uncontrollably at the feet of a Middle Eastern King, we’ll do whatever it takes to get this Economy back.

“On the positive side, however,” added Bernanke, “the average U.S. citizen shouldn’t notice the Economy being gone at all. This really only affects about one percent or less of the general population.”

Experts, however, don’t seem quite so sure.

“I think the Economy is gone,” said Barry Ritholz, a market strategist and author of the Big Picture blog. “We have every reason to believe that right at this very moment the U.S. Economy is sitting in the Dubai headquarters of Halliburton. And I can’t imagine a scenario where this Administration would demand Halliburton to send it back.”

More on this story as it develops.

–WKW

Just because:

• Amity Shlaes: Stop Bush, Democrats Before They Save Our Economy
• Gin and Tacos: Staffed by real scienticians
• William K. Wolfrum (Call me Bill): Tiger Woods should be fired for remarks made by Kelly Tilghman
• The Sideshow: More stuff
• Jon Swift: Google bombs Jon Swift
• Buck Naked Politics: Congressmen Try to Block Arms Sale to Saudi Arabia
• The Jaded Skeptic: Going Commando and Terminating the California budget

So what have you been reading or writing today?

–WKW

Remember investors: non-voluntary labor’s greatest advantage is its endless supply. We’re not going to run out of people.

–WKW