Senate Republicans filibuster family’s dinner

AKRON — Edward Crone and his family had just finished saying grace and were prepared to begin eating dinner when Senate Republicans – led by the retiring Jim Bunning – burst through the door and threatened to filibuster the meal.

“We see no way that the Crone family can possibly pay for this meal,” said Bunning. “If the Crone family can’t offset the price of a meal, what will they offset.”

Caught off guard, Senate Democrats said they had no choice but to cancel the Crone’s dinner, as the mere threat of the filibuster was an unbeatable weapon against them.

“Our hands are tied. Tied, I say,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “The Crone Family will just have to wait this out until we make the deals necessary to end this filibuster threat.”

The Crone Family’s response was one of surprise and outrage.

“But I’m hungry,” cried Annie Crone, 6.

The meal, which consisted of meatloaf, whipped potatoes and peas, was left to sit on the dinner table as the Crone’s were ordered out of the dining room. Later in the day, the Crone’s landlord, Timothy Johnson, came in and devoured the meal by himself.

The decision to filibuster the meal fell on Bunning, who – after examining the finances of the Crones – stated that it was time for the family to be responsible for their own meals.

“Mr. Crone has been out of work for 23 weeks now and I’m pleased to say his unemployment benefits are through,” said Bunning. “He got a hand out from his father to buy the meal, which is against everything this nation stands for.”

For his part, Edward Crone said he would abide by the GOP’s decision.

“I’ve looked everywhere for a job to support my family, but there’s just nothing out there,” said Crone, a construction worker. “It’s all my fault.”

The filibuster also triggered a 21 percent cut in Medicare fees to doctors effective immediately. The American Medical Association said the cut off risks a “meltdown” for seniors. Still, Bunning was unapologetic, flipping off little Annie Crone as he escaped the house.

“If Crone can’t find $10 to pay for it, then they’re not going to pay for anything. The debt that they have arrived at is unsustainable,” said Bunning, who later compared the filibuster to “chin music” necessary to get Edward Crone off his butt and get back to work.

“This is America. Crone had his chance and failed, let them go hungry,” added Bunning.

–WKW

Readables

Because sometimes they say it best:

• Washington Monthly: Here’s to seven years of Steve Benen.
• Mock, Paper, Scissors: Is Sally Quinn’s insipid inside column over?
• Sadly, No!: An honest apology to James O’Keefe.
• Bob Cesca: Tea Partiers wouldn’t know financial responsibility if it dropped from the sky and landed on their face.
• Gary Weiss: A Tim Geithner fantasy.
• Political Carnival: According to CNN, Democrats have an unfair advantage because Obama is President.

–WKW

Bring back slavery (or build more prisons)

While the U.S. economy continues to operate, the unemployment situation in the nation is still a giant area of concern. When unemployment hits 10 percent, economic heads explode. When it stays that way, it could be disastrous.

So while the recently passed “Jobs Bill” may seem like a nice addition to the battle for employment, U.S. politicos have yet to propose the only plan that could conceivably put the U.S. back on top.

It’s time to bring back slavery.

Slavery can bring this nation back to what it once was – a group of slaves and slave owners. With slavery, the American economy will once again be competitive. With slavery, once again, everyone will work.

No, before the screams of racism come wafting down, let me note that my vision for Slavery 2.0 is not based whatsoever on race. No, race is insignificant. All that matters is social standing. If you can afford a slave, you’re a slave owner. If you can’t, you’re a slave. It’s that simple.

And, of course, there would be rules. For instance, you can’t just up and kill a slave. There needs to be some type of paperwork filed beforehand. No other rules would be required, as the market would take care of itself.

In the end, slavery will help the U.S. in every way conceivable. Illegal immigration would end, as any illegal immigrants caught would be made into slaves. The U.S. labor market would have a way to fight back against China’s human-rights-violation labor market. New business would sprout up to take advantage of the cheap new labor market. Those that make manacles will have incredibly lucrative years.

My friends, America is known for its innovations. That’s why it’s time to return to slavery. Now, only slaves can save us.

Or, we could always just start putting more people in prison. Either way, it’s win-win.

–WKW

It’s time to declare war on the poor

My friends, the United States is at a difficult place in its history. More difficult than the Civil War when brother fought brother. More difficult than the Great Depression and its 25 percent unemployment. More difficult than the turbulent 1960s with its hippies, communists and rash of assassinations. More difficult than the years we were tortured with the knowledge that Bill Clinton received oral sex. Ok, maybe not that difficult, but I’m on a roll so bear with me.

Today’s USA is dealing with a problem that no other generation has ever had to deal with – Poor People. It seems that today, there’s a poor person hiding behind every tree, and let me tell you, we’ve got a hell of a lot of trees. But there is a solution. It’s time to cut down those trees (figuratively, again, rolling).

Today, I stand before you to announce a new proposal. A proposal that will grab America by the ankles, hold it upside down and give it a shake. My friends, it is time to declare war on the poor.

Now, I’m not talking about one of those theoretical, unwinnable wars like the war on drugs or the war on terrorism. No, I’m talking guns, bullets, tanks, and even tactical nuclear weapons if need be. The poor have brought this nation to its knees, and they only continue to multiply. It is time to snuff out the threat. As Thomas Friedman so famously said, it’s time to tell the poor to “suck on this.”

You see, over the past 30 years, the U.S. government has done all it could to wipe out the poor. We’ve decreased the social safety net. We’ve refused to give them access to affordable health care. We’ve let their schools deteriorate. But the poor remain, more poor and miserable than ever. And that’s just bringing us non-poor people down. So its time to send in the Marines.

My friends, now more than ever, its time to handle the problem of poverty once and for all. Preferably with armed drones. Because the U.S. has too long waged war on the poor with its hands tied. America has tried to rid itself of the poor, one way or another, for years. But now it’s time to be blatantly obvious about it. If you’re over 25 and making less than $25K a year, you are an enemy of the state.

It is time to stop the slow bleed and have a river of blood. Only then will America be what it once was – a land of a select few rich folk murdering the native population.

Thank you, and remember, Jesus is the one and true savior. And I’m sure he’d be on board with this.

–WKW

U.S. Federal Government to close on Tuesdays and Wednesdays

Hi, you’ve reached the White House. We’re on furlough today, so please leave a name and number and we promise to get right back to you.

WASHINGTON – Determined to show the world that they’re serious about saving money, today the Obama Administration unleashed dual proposals. The first is to freeze government spending in 2012 and 2013. The second is to furlough all Federal Government employees on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

“This plan will truly get America on the right track,” said Budget-Freeze Expert John McCain. “As it stands now, the savings mean that our budget deficit will drop from $12.3 trillion to $12.29 trillion in less than five years.”

While many have said that the new “Budget freeze” is more politically motivated than motivated by reality, others are excited about the furlough proposition.

“Two free weekdays to golf and tan?” asked House Minority Leader John Boehner. “You bet I’m for this plan.”

Critics of the plan have said the savings will be tiny, and have suggested that Obama host a “Save the U.S.” telethon. This plan was immediately shot down, however, when it was realized that it was the exact same idea used in the movie “AmericaThon.”

–WKW

Haiti Definitions: Frenzy of Looting vs. Frenzy of Capitalism

When starving earthquake survivors steal bread in Haiti, it’s known as looting. When the IMF and U.S. guarantee massive capital flight from Haiti, it’s called capitalism.

–WKW

“The U.S. Economy” as performed by a French Bulldog puppy

Everyone’s rooting for the U.S. economy to get back on its feet. It’s just got to keep trying.

–WKW

Random thoughts, random things

Just thinking …

One wonders if the allegedly hyper-liberal U.S. media will get around to talking about decades of U.S. involvement in Haiti and the results of that involvement. Ok, no need to wonder – never. So here’s some Chomsky from 2004 to help balance the scales.

In his first-round KO loss to Australian Danny Green, Roy Jones Jr. showed that he no longer has a chin. Or reflexes. Or hunger. Or just about anything a human would need to be a competitive boxer. The result? Big payday versus Bernard Hopkins!

No one could have ever anticipated that Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, in actuality, are mindless racist attention whores, dedicated to ratings and nothing else.

Thank God that Barack Obama finally took the war against Afghanistan seriously. Finally, we’re seeing the number of civilian deaths go up.

Maybe the next President will get around to regulating a financial industry gone mad.

So Arizona is closing its National Parks? If something doesn’t make money, it has no business existing in the U.S. Culture and society be damned.

The year is 2010. And people are standing in a federal court debatying whether Gay and Lesbians are harmful to their own children. Oh yeah, and if you’re Gay or Lesbian and in the military, you’re fucking fired.

If the Saints manage to win tomorrow, I could conceivably get interested in the NFL Playoffs this year. Even though the average NFL game only gives you 11 minutes of actual action.

–WKW

Media is terrified of Patrick Byrne & Overstock.com’s anti-privacy activities

Sometimes, as a journalist, blogger, or what have you, you come across a story you think has real meat on the bone. Such was my thinking when I saw that Patrick Byrne, CEO of Overstock.com, had been mining Facebook to create some type of “enemies list.” The list included business writers, bloggers, as well as the children and families of said writers and bloggers.

This, coming from Byrne, who is already under investigation by the SEC for the second time in recent memory, would make one believe there’s some type of story there. Think about it – the CEO of an online retailer is using Facebook to invade people’s privacy. You’d think this would be of some interest to someone. Somwhere.

Thus far, however, from the mainstream media, there has been only crickets. Here’s what the MSM has put out on Byrne in the past few days. From the Tampa Tribune:
[Read more]

Hoaxes Larry Bergman, Martin Eisenstadt accused of illicit ‘Tater-Totting’ affair

ITALY – In a land known for sordid romances, the latest romantic drama has people around the globe transfixed, as two great mythical characters have been linked together by noted blogger William K. Wolfrum.

“I have learned from my sources that Larry Bergman – a creation of Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne – and infamous Hoax pundit Martin Eisenstadt have been seen canoodling in a New York bar,” said Wolfrum. “This would mark the first time in known history that two invented personages have had an illicit relationship.”

Bergman, who was created by Byrne’s underling Judd Bagley, has thus far refused to, or been physically unable to comment. Eisenstadt has thus far been in hiding, reportedly on a “book tour,” and also has yet to comment.

While, this would not be the first time two fictitious people had a sordid affair, it is certainly the most prominent, as it involves two nefarious fictitious subjects.

Bergman was created solely so Byrne and Bagley could spy on supposed “enemies” of Overstock.com. The Bergman character has used Facebook to pry into the private lives of people like Sam Antar, Felix Salmon, Barry Ritholtz and others.

For Eisenstadt’s part, the fictitious pundit was created to showcase the ineptitude of real-life American pundits. This is the first reported case of a “spy-on-pundit” relationship in Internet history.

While it is physically impossible for two fictitious personages to have physical relations, Wolfrum was adamant that the two had engaged in “nasty” activities.

“From my research, I have learned that the fake Bergman and the fake Eisenstadt have been doing all sorts of horrifying things, including Cleveland Steamers and Dirty Sanchez’s,”said Wolfrum, admitting he wasn’t really sure what either of those activities were. “They have also engaged in ‘Portuguese Bobsledding,’ ‘Tater-totting,’ and ‘Fork Fighting,’ with most of the activities being videotaped.

“As they are both fictitious, anything I attribute to them must be a part of their character,” added Wolfrum. “So these guys are just sick.”

As for the future of the relationship, Wolfrum demurred.

“Well, I know Eisenstadt and his creators should have a profitable future,” said Wolfrum. “As for Bergman, his creators – Byrne, Bagley and the entire Overstock.com board (which may also be fictitious) – will assuredly be heard from again, perhaps in some type of court where they can explain their complete lack of regard for privacy laws.

“I can guarantee you haven’t seen the last of the Tater-totting from Byrne, Bagley or Bergman,” added Wolfrum. “And the simple fact is this – neither really exists, so any accusation I make against them must be true.”

As a disclaimer, Wolfrum added that he has never been involved in the stock market and has no interest in OSTK or any other stock. He said that “unlike journalists like Matt Taibbi,” he just wanted to see the full story of Byrne and Bagley come to light, rather than “cherry-pick” certain aspects of the story in order to burnish his reputation.

–WKW

Patrick Byrne punks Jon Stewart, fires Auditors, mocks SEC – what’s next?

It’s been another busy week for perennial Fox News guest Patrick Byrne. The Overstock CEO has appeared with Neil Cavuto, bewailing potential CEO pay caps. And in a move that was more Martin Prince than Martin Eisenstadt, Byrne stood tall recently and admitted that it was he who gave Daily Show host Jon Stewart a controversial tape of CNBC’s Jim Cramer.

Aside from leaving Stewart with an eye fairly blackened, Byrne was just starting his rampage.

Already under investigation for the second time by the SEC – not that Fox News viewers would have any knowledge of that – Byrne decided to really see if the “Enforcement” part of the SEC means anything. Yesterday, Byrne announced he had fired his auditors and handed in my latest late SEC homework assignment without it being audited. From Gary Weiss:

Now, very much in the open, the company has jumped off a cliff, proverbially speaking. This afternoon, the company belatedly announced that it fired its auditors on Friday, and today it filed an unaudited un-vouched-for, late Form 10-Q in violation of a host of SEC regulations.

So now Overstock is not current with its filings, which means that its access to the capital markets is essentially crippled. No big thing. Bad companies are often not current what their filings. What is amazing is that Overstock went ahead and filed its 10-Q without an auditor reviewing it. Even the most sleazebucket penny stock outfits, even Bernie Madoff, manage to get some accountant somewhere to review their filings before sending them in to the SEC. I have never heard of even the most irresponsible company filing an unreviewed financial statement.

This is the second time in less than two years that auditors have had fall outs with Byrne. In Dec. 2007, Ray Groves, who once ran Ernst & Young, resigned as the head of Overstock’s audit committee.

Byrne has already made it abundantly clear that regardless of how badly he manages Overstock and screws their investors, he’s going to blame naked short spellers and the Russian mafia for all of it. And some people will say that Byrne is a victim in all this and that his fight against Naked Short Sellers is a heroic one. Others, of course, have said he’s a crook and a “cokehead.” I’d never say that of course, but it’s been said (“And Channel B I put information down that I was a coke head,” – Patrick Byrne)

What would I say? Well, considering the pride Byrne showed in his Mormon accounting team …

“Our accounting department is a bunch of square Mormon eagle scouts, and their orders are to be as straitlaced as possible.”

… I’d say Byrne needs a good Molly Mormon to come into his life to help him through these obviously difficult times.

-_WKW

Gordon Brown does the unthinkable – endorses a Tobin Tax

Gordon Brown has spoken the words that dare not be spoken ….

ST ANDREWS, Scotland (Reuters) – Britain urged world governments on Saturday to consider a levy on banks to fund future bailouts, departing from long-held opposition, though there was little sign of the consensus needed to make it fly.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown raised the idea at a weekend meeting of Group of 20 financial leaders in Scotland — ending London’s resistance to such moves on behalf of its huge financial sector. …

The United States, key to the success of any global initiative, rejected a tax on day-to-day transactions, though it left the door open to other ways to protect taxpayers from losses. Canada was also lukewarm.

… “A day-by-day financial transaction tax is not something we are prepared to support,” U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner told reporters.

“This idea (of a bank transaction tax) has been around for a long time … I think frankly the experiences are mixed.”

If ever anything made sense in a world made insane by Milton Friedman’s rehashed laissez faire economic theories, it would be some type of “Tobin Tax” on the financial industry.

As of now, however, it’s probably little more than Brown pandering to improve his liberal standing. If such a plan did gain momentum, the sheer amount of money that would be spent by the financial sector to defeat it would be enough to give the entire planet free health care for a decade.

But at least it’s out there.

–WKW

One-Liner: Milton Friedman’s final miracle

One day in the future, when the world is a smoldering wasteland and just 10 humans remain, one of them will control all the wealth and enslave the others. And that one person will declare it the greatest of all of Milton Friedman’s miracles.

–WKW

How to be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” by Patrick Byrne

Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne has been spending a lot of time on the Fox Business Network. A couple days ago, Byrne was on FBN’s Happy Hour, refusing to disclose that his company is being investigated by the SEC. But a few days before that, Byrne was on FBN’s “Scoreboard,” where host David Asman gushingly referred to Byrne as a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism.”

Thinking about that, I figured it would be good to give people a five-point plan on how to be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” ala Byrne:

1) Have a rich father or mother. This is a must.

2) Have that parent buy you a company.

3) Never make a profit and blame endless array of bad financial reports on software glitches.

4) Get investigated by the SEC twice in three years.

5) Blame everything on naked short sellers.

Seriously, just follow these steps that worked so well for Byrne and you, too, will be a “Swashbuckling Captain of Capitalism” and appear on Fox Business Network. Oh, and give a lot of money to the GOP while you’re at it, just in case.

–WKW

Come to think of it, Fox Business Network isn’t much of a business network

Since the Obama Administration took the offensive against Fox News – breaking the nationwide ban on telling the truth about Fox – many have vociferously complained. Ok, aside from Jake Tapper, the only ones complaining vociferously are Fox Newsians, but there has been some push back.

Of course, there are others that believe that Team Obama didn’t go far enough. After all, how could he just slam Fox News for not being a news organization without pointing out that the Fox Business Network isn’t really a business network.

The heroes at FBN’s Happy Hour decided to prove their utter worthlessness by interviewing Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne about the SEC:

Byrne was his typical, charming self. He invented a story about an anonymous “friend’s” dealings with the SEC. He managed to mention Overstock.com’s official media arm “DeepCapture.” He again claimed SEC officials are, or were, on the take.

What Byrne – and the Fox Business anchors – didn’t mention in this probing interview about the SEC? That Byrne’s company, Overstock.com, has been subpoena’d by the SEC and is being investigated on Overstock’s previously-announced restatements of its financial statements in 2006 and 2008 and other matters. It is the second time in three years Byrne and Overstock have been investigated by the SEC.

But that was apparently not worth mentioning during a discussion with Byrne about the SEC.

In the end, you may disagree with the Obama Administration’s war against Fox News. But when FBN can’t bring themselves to mention a massive conflict-of-interest from one of their guests – who happens to be a long-time Republican – there’s really no need to treat FBN like a real business network.

–WKW

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