Here’s your trigger

As the health care reform battle wends its way through the health-insurance-cash-stuffed pockets of Congress, it seems more and more likely that a “trigger” option may be the closest they come to a “public option.”

If that’s the case, here’s a trigger for ya:

The “uninsured” — that word we keep hearing as our elected officials grapple with a reform initiative that dominates headlines, talk shows, and political rhetoric. But the “uninsured” is a word that refers to people in the abstract. I wanted to show America who these people were, their struggles, their fears, their true challenges. I had spent time at free clinics before, and wanted to shine a spotlight on this remarkable movement for all Americans, so we partnered with the National Association of Free Clinics to hold the free clinic in Houston’s three football field size Reliant Center. This was an essential teaching opportunity as our nation finds itself in a time that tries our very soul.

We picked Houston because it has the highest rate of people living without insurance in the nation – 30% or about 1.3 million residents. Texas leads all 50 states with 25% of its residents living without insurance; the national average is a whopping 15%. We announced the clinic last week and after an article appeared in the Houston Chronicle on Wednesday, pre-registration surged and we had to close appointments by early Friday afternoon with 2000 people scheduled to receive free health care. Saturday turned out to be the largest health relief mobilization in Houston since Hurricane Katrina. More than 700 doctors, nurses and volunteers turned out to help. The part that you have to understand about Saturday is that it wasn’t in response to a disaster – it was just another day in Houston.

And show up they did. They came as entire families. Many drove hours to get there; others hitchhiked. I walked out at 5am and greeted the first woman on line, Karen, a working school teacher who could not keep up with her insurance payments. Think about it for moment – sitting on the pavement at 5am in the dark waiting for a massive convention center to open just to see a doctor? This is what it’s come to, and it should frustrate you as it does me. So many patients had tragic stories that still burn in my heart. Most were embarrassed to seek help and many felt invisible in society, like they didn’t matter anymore.

Here’s wondering how bad it needs to get for a “trigger” to be pulled on health care in the U.S.

–WKW

Corporate Person CIGNA named Obama’s new Health Care Reform Czar

WASHINGTON – The Health Insurance Corporate Person CIGNA has accepted the position of “Health Care Reform Czar,” White House officials have confirmed. The Corporate Person will take over the job as the Obama Administration gets ready for its final push on health care reform.

“We believe the expertise that CIGNA brings to the table will be invaluable,” said Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “This is an entity that truly understands what the American health care system is all about.”

Recent Big Brother winner Jordan Lloyd will physically represent CIGNA during official meetings (“she has a really nice face,” said sources), and the Corporate Person will have oversight over the entire health care reform debate.

“What’s most important to both Democrats and Republicans is that Health Care Corporate People continue to thrive,” said Sen. Claire McCaskill (D). “We will do what ever it takes to mandate that all people pay these Health Care Corporate People.”

Still, many say current corporate personhood laws are confusing, and that there is the appearance of conflict in CIGNA’s new job. At a press conference, Lloyd said there was no reason to think CIGNA had any conflict of interest in the health care reform debate.

“Oh that’s just silly,” said a smiling Lloyd, who coyly said “no comment” when ABC political reporter Jake Tapper asked if she was going to be dating Jeff outside the house.

Most Democrats and Republicans have thus far praised the Obama Administration for giving CIGNA the Health Care Reform Czar position.

“This gives us the structure we need,” said Senate Finance Chairman Max Baucus (D). “This will only strengthen the mandate, and make it simpler just to funnel money straight to these corporate people who do God’s work.”

Other health care corporate people have come forward with their approval, as well.

“This is really a smart move by Obama, and a great move for America,” said Corporate Person Kaiser Permanente – as portrayed by actress Angie Harmon. “This is health care reform that all corporate persons can get behind.”

–WKW

Obama Administration to use loud noises, torches, ACORN members to scare away health-care reform opponents

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration will be attempting a bold new plan in its effort to pass health care reform, an administration official said.

“Having spent significant time researching polls from around the nation, we believe we have found the perfect plan to get this passed,” said the official. “We got caught on our heels, but no more.”

The administration official said the new plan involves the use of loud noises, flaming torches, and shiny objects. The “scary noises” and “bright lights” should send the vast majority of health care reform opponents scurrying back to their homes to clutch their rosaries and crucifixes, said the official. Also, the Administration have negotiated a deal with ACORN, in which ACORN members will walk around the streets of major cities saying “boo!” to random people.

“Once we saw that nearly 20 percent of people thought Obama was the Anti-Christ, we figured we’d just run with it,” said the official. “We’re calling it the ‘Chase Them Back Into the Cave’ Program. This is one of those 12th-dimensional chess maneuver dealies we’re so fond of.”

Opponents of health care reform have reacted to this new plan to come out of the White House.

“Arggggghhhhh, Fire burn!!!” said tobacco lobbyist Betsy McCaughey, who then fled into a nearby wooded area.

While there has been minor dissension in the White House regarding the plan, most feel this is the most pragmatic approach.

“Oh sure, we could be like Republicans and blast our legislation through using reconciliation if we wanted,” said the Administration official. “But that would be harmful to this nation. Better to frighten off the tea baggers with loud noises and ACORN members.”

–WKW

Jesus Christ cancels Miracle Insurance for the poor

JERUSALEM — Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ’s talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable.

“This is not a socialist regime,” said Christ. “First and foremost, I’m a capitalist. And look at me, I’m wearing dirty robes and can’t afford a decent razor. This has become an unsustainable action.”

Following a meeting with his followers, as well as industry lobbyists, Christ announced that he will no longer be giving humans the gift of health – unless they keep up with monthly premiums and co-pays.

“We’ll still do good works,” said Christ, 37. “But it’s time for the blind, lepers and others to stand up and take some individual responsibility.”

Christ said he’d still offer healing insurance for those that could afford it, and offered suggestions for how the poor could maintain health.

“First off, they can just go to the Emergency room. That’s the law,” said Christ. “I’m not sure how that would work if you have leukemia or something, but there’s that.

“Mainly, people need to know that the road to heaven is paved by paying your bills,” added Christ. “If you’re not willing to get off your butt, get a job and pay for your own health care, then trust me, you aren’t what we’re looking for in heaven.”

Wall Street reacted positively to the news, as shares of Christ International rose 23 percent, with many financial experts claiming “now is the time to invest in Christ Care.”

–WKW

One-Liner: Healing powers

Is it just me, or is it terribly surreal that so many who loudly proclaim their devotion to Jesus are the same people that will fight tooth-and-nail to make it more difficult for people to receive health care?

–WKW

One-Liner: Health Care Reform care of Joe Wilson

It’s pleasant to think that Joe Wilson may have just guaranteed health care reform with a decidedly “robust” public option. Obviously, it helps a lot that President Obama has joined the fray, but this “You lie!” embarrassment may be something that really sinks the GOP in this battle for health care reform. It’s getting more and more difficult to get around the glaring fact that many of today’s Republicans have come unhinged.

One-Liner: Subsidize this

Just remember, folks, the U.S. is not in the business of subsidizing people for health care. Oh, they’ll subsidize the oil industry and the war machine, but the line must be drawn somewhere.

–WKW

American People set to overtake Washington Generals for longest losing streak

WASHINGTON – As the next loss looms over the horizon in the form of health care reform, the American People are prepared to overtake the Washington Generals for the world’s longest losing streak.

Known for their willingness to give a good effort despite being doomed to lose, the American Public is still going through the motions, entertaining the crowd despite the fact that another loss is on the way.

“We will make every Democratic Senator sign a pledge to support a robust public option,” said Jane Hamsher of Fire Dog Lake, moments before being hit in the face with a banana cream pie.

The loss in the health care battle will mark the 13,137th consecutive loss for the American people, whose losing streak stretches back to the 1960s. The Generals, Known for their willingness to give a good effort despite being doomed to lose, have long been the foil of the basketball troop, the Harlem Globetrotters.

One government official said this latest loss will have a dramatic ending, as President Barack Obama and Democratic Senators will pass a bill touting that they’ve reformed health care, despite the fact that the whole thing will end up as a resounding victory for health insurance lobbyists.

“We’re really hoping for a big finish on this,” said the government official. “Just when it dawns on Americans that they lost again, we’re going to hurl a bucket of confetti in their face. It’ll be classic.”

–WKW

Barack Obama rips off mask, unveils alien lizard head, forces kids to become heroin addicts, blah, blah, blah

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama stunned the Washington press corps today, as he ripped of his mask, unveiling his true self – a giant alien communist lizard. Obama then announced he had addicted all American children to heroin and create a super army of Obama-bots that will rove the Earth like in “War of the Worlds.” Still, the press corp seemed to ignore this entire episode, and continued to quiz Obama on health care reform.

“Won’t a public option drive this nation even further into debt while creating a Canadian-like socialist hellhole for health care?” asked Jake Tapper.

The President then stormed out the White House, demanding immediate legislation to ban all guns and take away everyone’s private property. Finally, he announced that – from now on – all pictures of Jesus must depict him as dark-skinned, because, let’s face it, he was.

“Graaaaargghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” said Obama.

On Fox News, a drunk and naked Glenn Beck laid prone on the floor repeating “I told you, I told you.” Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly were forced to take the day off, as they suffered the rare “simultaneous conniption fit.”

Later in the day, as Obama-bots forced kids to have sex with magpies and ….

… Ok, seriously, this is getting impossible. How in the hell do you satire people who are now convinced that an Obama pep-talk to students is, in all actuality – a shrewd move meant to turn your children into an elite Obama fighting force? I mean, what the fuck?

Do you folks realize how hard it is to write satire about people that are clinically stupid? Because, let’s face it, about 25 percent of the U.S. are blindingly dumb. They scream for government to get out of Medicaid. They’ll claim America has the best health care system in the world. They’ll rail against taxes when the taxes they currently pay are near historic lows. These stupid people are in most need of help, and are fighting it every step of the way.

All I can say is this: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but we are far past niceties here.So if I may speak to 1 of every 4 Americans here: You’re an idiot. And we really need you to recognize that and stop it.

Seriously, people, this political-satire thing is a pretty good niche for me. And it’s being ruined by a 25 percent block that keeps making reality stupider and stupider. Smarten up.

–WKW

The Mainstream Media’s latest fail: Town Hall idiocy gone unchecked

As Lyndon LaRouche supporters and faux Libertarians trickle to Town Hall events to disrupt the discussion of health care reform, the mainstream media has not only reported it as “grassroots uprisings,” they’ve gone so far to actually try and fan the flames of madness:

The most disturbing account came from Rep. David Price of North Carolina, who spoke with a stringer for one of the television networks at a large town-hall meeting he held in Durham.

The stringer said he was one of 10 people around the country assigned to watch such encounters. Price said he was told flatly: “Your meeting doesn’t get covered unless it blows up.” As it happens, the Durham audience was broadly sympathetic to reform efforts. No “news” there.

Read the rest of E.J. Dionne’s piece in the Washington Post. That so many in the U.S. seem to think these types of corporate and fringe protests are some type of watershed moment is purely the fault of the media.

The majority of Americans want health care reform and a public option. They always have. That is the story.

–WKW

Noam Scheiber’s other reality is just adorable

TNR’s Noam Scheiber describes a fantasy of his. Except I believe he was serious:

For one thing, it would single-handedly make the magic number 51 votes, not 60, since it would be suicidal for the GOP to filibuster the culmination of the last Kennedy brother’s lifelong crusade. Beyond that, I suspect the coverage of Kennedy’s death would silence healthcare reform critics and boost proponents in a way that netted at least a couple of wavering moderates — so clearing the 51-vote threshold wouldn’t be a problem. Heck, you might even see Utah Republican (and longtime Kennedy friend) Orrin Hatch back in the reformist camp.

So all the maneuvering around Kennedy’s hypothetical replacement strikes me as unnecessary at best and possibly even counterproductive, since it could only detract from what would otherwise be a powerful (and authentic) emotional outpouring in the event of Kennedy’s passing.

Pass that shit, dude.

HT Steve Benen

–WKW

The “choice” of health care reform: How will health insurance corporations choose to handle windfall profits?

In 2004, Presidential Nominee John Kerry and the Democratic Party studiously avoided speaking much about health care reform. And while the official 2004 Democratic Platform (PDF) dedicated a section to health care reform – with tax credits being a big part of reform – it was largely outweighed by the issues of the day, terrorism and homeland security.

Still, the section on health care reform included this line, later popularized by President Barack Obama during his 2008 campaign, when health care reform was one of the top priorities in the DNC Platform (PDF):

“And we will provide all Americans with access to the same coverage that members of Congress give themselves.”

It’s a line we don’t hear much these days, as the Obama Administration has made noises that a “Public Option” is negotiable and not the main part of health care reform, anyway. And, according to Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi, the latter is true:

“Now, obviously, the public option was not a cure-all. In fact, the Democrats had in reality already managed to kill the public option by watering it down to the point of near-meaninglessness,” wrote Taibbi.

The question here, however, is this: Why has health care reform become issue No. 1 in the U.S. Is it purely the result of the election of a Democratic President and a public literally dying for a better system? Or is it possible that the health insurance industry was ready to make the investment necessary to insure profits for years to come?

It is a fact that health insurance corporations have continued to profit wildly over the past decade. But they have done so by jacking up costs. While the profits remain and the costs skyrocket, small businesses have begun to put a halt to many employee benefits, health insurance included. This is not a workable business model.

But this is:

The half-dozen leading overhaul proposals circulating in Congress would require all citizens to have health insurance, which would guarantee insurers tens of millions of new customers — many of whom would get government subsidies to help pay the companies’ premiums.

Basically, the health insurance industry has pumped more than a million dollars a day into the only fight they have to win – destroying the line “and we will provide all Americans with access to the same coverage that members of Congress give themselves.”

That is the entire health care reform battle in a nutshell. Because conservatives may howl about the costs of a government-run health insurance option, but it’s pure farce. How could any “fiscal conservative” look at the obscene amount of money the the U.S. government pumps into the health industry (nearly 18 percent of the GDP) and then state that the U.S. has the “best health care system in the world?”

They can say that because health insurance corporations fill their coffers. And the reality that “choice” in health care coverage would seriously damage profits. Health insurance corporations are more than willing to deal with some regulation, provided they remain the only choice available. Despite the simple fact that Americans overwhelmingly approve of the the choice that a government-led health care option would bring.

But at this stage of the game, “choice” isn’t even on the field:

Real choice is not part of the bills moving through the Democratic-led Congress; even if the much-debated government-run insurance plan was created, it would not be available to most people who already have coverage. Republicans, meanwhile, have shown no interest in making insurance choice part of a compromise they could accept. Both parties are protecting the insurers.

The result of it all is impressive theater. The debate has been drowned with a cavalcade of lies involving “death panels” and “assuring all Americans have access to affordable health care.” The choice for most Americans in this health care reform debate is basically whether they choose to drown out the lies, or buy into them.

Because between deals with Big Pharma and the the health insurance industry, as well as the blatantly obvious and over-the-top fight to demonize a public option, the main “choice” to come out of the Great Health Care Reform Battle of 2009 will be how health insurance corporations spread out the windfall of profits heading their way.

Which is how it was always meant to play out.

–WKW

Jesus Saves! Provided you keep up with monthly payments and can afford the co-pay

As Health Care Reform has taken over the national dialogue, we felt it was time to look to our Savior for answers. From The Modern Conservative Holy Bible:

Mark 8:22-23

(22) And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him. (23) And he telleth the man “Thou co-pay is $1,000. Canst thou afford?” And lo, the man said “nay.” And Conservative Jesus took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, toldeth him to get off his lazy asseth and get a jobeth. (24) And he sent him away to his house, saying, Thou art a socialist tool that never speaketh of pre-existing conditions.

Matthew, 23—24.

And Conservative Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and collecting His Monthly Healing Premiums. He healeth all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people with adequate insurance, leaving others to dieth, as was his capitalistic wont. And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all uninsured sick people that were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatic, and those that had the palsy; and Conservative Jesus telleth the lunatic, possessed palsy-sufferers that he had a business model and he can not help them until the day they have the insurance and co-pays necessary and what did they think, this was a charity or something?

Mark 1:40-43

(40) And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. (41) And Conservative Jesus, moved with profit-lust, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, maybeth thou should have thought of this earlier, when you wasted money on clothes and food. (42) And as soon as he had spoken, immediately the leprosy departed from him, for he was dead. (43) And Conservative Jesus sayith unto him, thou think I am a communist or Nazi? I provideth the best healing practices in the land, for only those that afford and fill out thy proper paperwork in triplicate and assure me that your HMO will cover all expense.

Follow the words of thy Conservative Lord and treat the lowliest amongst you with the disdain they deserve. For Jesus knew that profit margins and year-end bonuses were the way and the light.

Only those that may help themselves and have good enough jobs may be healed, sayeth Conservative Jesus. May his Randian glory be praised and may single-payer communist thought be banished to hell with the others unable to afford heaven or health.

–WKW

Obama Administration announces it will begin negotiating with White Supremacist Groups

WASHINGTON – Looking to find more allies for its health care reform plan, the Obama Administration has announced that it will begin having open dialogue with white supremacist groups.

“We are all in this thing together,” said Obama. “They are part of this nation, and we need to listen to their ideas. Listen, the further apart we are, the more middle ground there is.”

The move by Obama is the latest in his “Let’s Be Friends” tour, that has seen him negotiate with Republicans that are working overtime to defeat him anyway they can. Still, Obama said pragmatism and reasoned debate should trump all ideological differences.

“I understand that they hold different viewpoints,” said Obama. “But in the end, what’s important is reaching out.”

The Administration has said it will soon be inviting leaders of white supremacist organizations to the White House, where they will drink beer and talk politics. However, several white supremacists have come forward to say they have no interest in listening to Obama.

“We just want to kill him, that’s about it,” said one white supremicist.

Still, Obama said he felt that negotiating with white supremicists on health care reform should be a step in the right direction.

“Bipartisanship is vital to America right now,” said Obama. “It is time for the Nazis, race-haters and others to step forward and be heard. I think we can find common ground.”

Obama also announced that he will be talking with “Tea Baggers” later this week to learn “What their concerns are.” For their part, Tea Baggers seem disinterested in speaking with Obama.

“Seriously, we just want want to kill him,” said one Tea Bagger.

–WKW

No one expects a blogaround: Heaven help us

Thank God it’s Friday. Now if he could just help us out with the economy and health care reform.

TPM Cafe: This is the Public option, as it currently stands.

Glenn Greenwald: Mike Huckabee actively involved in treasonous activities? It’s cool, he’s Republican.

JC Christian: Breaking news from TownHall – the black people in the White House are practicing voodoo.

Vagabond Scholar: It seems there are Hitlers everywhere these days.

Eternal Earth-Bound U.S. Pets: When Jesus calls you to heaven, who will take care of your pets? I will, for one.

WorldGolf.com: The Solheim Cup is here!

–WKW

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