Let them eat Poop!

(I wrote this awhile back and don’t believe I ever posted here. – WKW)

I have two Boston Terriers – Max and Jack. For those of you that visit, Max is the surly, fat, smart one, while Jack is the happy, athletic idiot. Needless to say, we love them completely. Max and Jack have one driving passion in life, and of late, that passion has become a bit of a pain. You see, Max and Jack are poopy aficionados.

The Hunt for Poopy

Any venture outside is a grand hunt for poopy for Max and Jack. They just can’t seem to get enough. It doesn’t matter what variety of poopy they find, either. Dog, people, duck, porcupine, frog, parakeet, elephant, republican, democrat, you name it, they’ll wolf it down and comment on the ethereal ambiance of its tastes and flavors.

Now, while any poopy is fabulous poopy, cat poopy is the real victory. It’s comparable to chocolate for most humans I believe: while all poopy is fabulous, cat poopy is like the Godiva of poopy. It’s their purpose in life. Well, sleeping, chasing tennis balls and eating poopy are their purposes, in no specific order, but you get where I’m going.

Like most of us, however, dogs don’t get to eat out too often, so their own poopy is the target.

Drawing the Lines

Let me point out, that the quest for poopy often occurs outside, whilst my wife or I try to encourage them to create their own poopy. Still, the hunt for poopy, their own or the poopy of others can occur anywhere, at any time. Their talent for locating, and swallowing poopy before we can tell them not to would make the most advanced truffle-sniffing pig feel like, well, something that truffle-sniffing pigs look down upon.

So basically it is a test of wills – they doing everything in their itty-bitty little powers to procure and consume poopy, while we do everything we can to put an end to this poopy-lust forever. It is a war that will likely have no winners, and millions of poopies will probably be lost. Yet we strive forward, all four of us resolute in our goals.

Could Poopy Be Good?

One day I got to wondering if poopy-eating was all that bad for them. What if those sun-dried poopies that they eat like potato chips are actually giving them some nutrients that their adorable itty-bitty little bodies need? Could poopy be good for them? I was in a quandary, let me tell you. So, I brought out my old chemistry set, put it together on the kitchen table and stared stupidly at it for a while. Then, I called a veterinarian to see what someone with actual knowledge had to say about Max and Jack’s poopy prowess.

Of Course, Poopy is Bad

Dr. Debbie White of Lone Mountain Animal Hospital in Las Vegas, Nev., had the answers I was looking for, and then some. It turns out, poopy is not all that great for dogs, but not exactly like eating a dead, maggot-encased bird (Max ate one of those once.). Often animals do it to ingest more vitamins and nutrients. Some do it because they’re just gross.

“There are some other diseases that are shed in stool … Toxoplasmosis which is dangerous for pregnant woman, otherwise, just gastric upset,” White said.

Coprophagy, The Final Frontier

The act of eating non-food items for dogs is called pica. And, it turns out there is an actual word for poopy-eating — Coprophagy.

“This behavior comes from when the mother dog cleans the (poopy) from the litter of dogs birth to 4 weeks,” White said.

Many dogs will begin the practice of coprophagy during the time that their mother is cleaning their poop. The mother will usually continue this practice until the puppy is weaning. Often, the puppy will then begin to imitate its mother, and a new poopy-eater has been created.

Can This Coprophagic Behavior Be Stopped?

“They sell different products most include monosodium glutamate. 4-Bid, Deter, are two popular ones,” White said. “They are designed to make the stool taste bad. It sounds silly when you have to say it that way because you’d think poop would taste bad.

“Some will leave out a pile of poop and put jalapenos or Tabasco on it to act as a deterrent for that,” White added.

There are, of course, some other tricks to help cease this poopy addiction for your loving pooch. Should your dog be gripped by this brown menace, a good first step is to check your dog’s diet. Often coprophagy is the result of dogs not getting enough vitamins and minerals in its diet. Still, be careful not to overload your dog with vitamins, which poses its own problems.

Another reason behind coprophagy is often just plain boredom. Ever been so bored that you’ve eaten your own poop? Well, plenty of dogs have. If your dog spends most of its time in the house or small yard without much exercise, it will start looking for something, anything to keep itself entertained. A regiment of walks and play is always helpful for both owner and dog.

Other ways to help a dog lose interest in its own feces are to occasionally feed it a small amount of pineapple or other acidic fruit that will help change the flavors an ambiance of its poopy to something less desirable. When walking your dog in potentially poopy-populated areas, keep him on a leash and steer clear of temptation. Also, if you catch your dog in the act, call it away and reward it for saying no to poopy.

Finally, the simplest way to help the budding Coprophagics? Keep their area clean of temptation. Picking up poopy might be an arduous affair, but what better way to show your dog your love than to keep his area blissfully poopy-free?

What Not to Do

Remember, rebuking or physically punishingt your dog never has positive results, especially after the fact. Dogs just don’t remember things like that and it can lead to aggressive or fearful behavior.

Something to Look Into

So, it turns out I don’t have two dogs with disgusting eating habits. I have two coprophagists. So now all we have to do is find ourselves a pile of poopy, make it taste bad and Max and Jack’s party-pooping days may finally be over. It’s important to remember, however, that even the best canine experts out there still don’t have an exact theory on why dogs eat poopy. Results will vary from dog to dog, but eventually, with love and attention, you should be able to help your loving pet knock that poopy monkey right of its back.

–WKW

Courtesy the Wayback Machine.

Rampaging Panda overtakes Arizona

Don’t look now, but here it comes:

Only in Arizona.

HT Dvorak

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Official Sam Kinison Scream Post

I’d bookmark this page.

–WKW

Hicksian Philosophy

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Thanks, God

–WKW

E-Card Goodness

 

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Half-Assed Inspiration

Smile! Or not. Whatever.

The Debt Ceiling “crisis” in three words

Stop hitting yourself.

–WKW

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The GOP’s negotiation stance on the debt ceiling

–WKW

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Small dog tells Louie Gohmert to run for President

WASHINGTON – Republican U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert (Texas) has announced he is considering a run for President of the United States of America after a small dog told him he should.

“He seemed quite serious,” said Gohmert. “I’d be crazy not to listen.”

Gohmert, now in his second term in the House, has had a colorful career in Congress, having raised the possibility of an attack of terror babies – babies born to illegal immigrants who are then trained to become anti-American jihadists. Gohmert has also said that U.S. involvement in Libya is an excuse for President Barack Obama to unleash a private army, as well as accusing Obama of being a Jihadist himself.

Sources close to Gohmert say they believe the small dog is behind his most outlandish statements.

“It’s really the only thing that makes sense,” said the source. “I mean, ‘terror babies?’ That’s something only a small dog could come up with.”

The mixed Shih Tzu – named “Pookie” – had no comment to the reports.

–WKW

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Rupert and James Murdoch in 140 characters or less

Rupert Murdoch and son James get grilled. I tweet:

• Shorter Rupert Murdoch: The Buck stops over there.
• Rupert Murdoch is on a personal 7-second delay just in case he calls Obama a dick.
• Breaking: Scooter Libby hurls himself in front of Rupert and James Murdoch to deflect questions.
• Rupert Murdoch’s testimony will certainly swing the UK public to his side. So open, witty and endearing.
• Breaking: GOP hires James Murdoch to handle all their filibustering.
• It’s so nice to see Rupert & James Murdoch spending time together.
• I’m quite impressed that @Keitholbermann is even able to function with so much schadenfreude coursing through his veins.
• Tonight on Hannity, Sean asks Rupert Murdoch why everyone else in the world is so fucked up.

–WKW

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Rupert Murdoch & Rebekah Brooks’ answer to every phone-hacking question

–WKW

Penis in Weiner pic to get Reality Show with Donald Trump

Hey, you heard it here first at the site that specializes in the hottest entertainment news! It seems The Penis in the Anthony Weiner Penis Pic Controversy has accepted a spot on a new reality show with Donald Trump!

The title of the show will be “Trump & The Junk”and highlight the pair’s wacky shenanigans around New York and the world, trying to raise awareness for Donald Trump.

“The Trump name needs to be associated with junk of this quality,” said a source close to Trump. ” It’s just the natural progression of things. Donald will ride this penis as long and as hard as he can.”

Sources said The Penis is excited working with Trump and that he feels the two share simple agendas. Sources add that The Penis is also thrilled to have a chance to show that he is more than just a media creation that has no basis in fact.

“He knows Trump comes with some baggage, but he’s willing to stick his neck out,” said the source. “He knows people are ready to see him in action.”

–WKW

Moammar Gadhafi announces run for GOP Presidential Nomination

LIBYA – Speaking from an underground bunker somewhere near Tripoli, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi announced his run for U.S. President.

“I mean, there’s a lot going on right now,” said Gadhafi, who is simultaneously being attacked by Libyan rebels and NATO forces. “But the field just seems so, you know, empty.”

Gadhafi’s bid received an endorsement from conservative leader Bill Kristol, who said he was “dazzled” by the dictator’s humor and conservative ideals on a recent Conservative cruise for politicians and donors.

“The more I talked to him, the more I realized that he’s the one,” said Kristol, who will be on Fox News at least once a day until November 2012. “His concepts of executive power fit perfectly with the party.”

For his part, Gadhafi – who has said he would continue being leader of Libya should he become the U.S. President (“A leader must be able to multi-task.”) — said he thinks he can woo a good many GOP voters.

“I’m pro-life, as far as fetuses go. Right there, I win the social conservatives,” said Gadafi, a Virgo. “And you don’t even what to know my thoughts on the poor.”

While many have said the run is unconstitutional because Gadhafi was not born in the U.S., others have concerns that he has America’s best interests at heart. Gadhafi – who will run using the slogan “Why the Hell not?” – brushed aside such worries.

“First off, Obama got around the citizenship issue and so will I,” said Gadhafi, drawing big laughs from CNN’s Erick Erickson, an early supporter. “But hey, the GOP is not about what’s right for America. It’s about oil and money and I know both well.

“Plus, seriously, they have such a bunch of stiffs running,” added Gadhafi, who then fled the room to an undisclosed hiding location.

Already, Gadhafi has interviews lined up for later this week with ABC, CNN, CBS, MSNBC, NBC, BET, Fox News, WGN, Nickleodean, ESPN, Al Jazeera, ESPN-2, Lifetime, and OWN.

–WKW

Dead Elf challenges entire GOP presidential field to debate on Constitution

MINNESOTA – A wayward elf that froze to death in the snow last December has challenged the entire GOP Presidential Field to a debate on the U.S. Constitution, sources close to the Dead Elf say.

“He’s pretty confident. Or IT is pretty confident,” said the source. “I’m really not sure how to refer to an Elf corpse.”

The challenge comes after literally two consecutive years of Republican Presidential hopefuls butchering the Constitution in order to make it appear it agrees with their often-outlandish views. The most recent come from Pizza Guru Herman Cain, who confused the Declaration of Independence with the Constitution, while admonishing his fan base for not actually reading the Constitution.

The challenge comes shortly after a 16-year-old high school student challenged Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann to a debate on the Constitution. While Bachmann has ignored the challenge, Republican sympathizers have berated the girl with threats.

“They can try, but they can’t shake up this Elf Thing,” said the Source. “It’s dead. It can’t get shook. And it can’t make anywhere near as many mistakes about the U.S. Constitution as Republicans make.

“And at very least, it can’t confuse the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence,” added the Source.

–WKW

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