May 17, 2012
According to percentages, most Americans will not only not be rich, but will in fact go through their lives without even knowing anyone really rich. This explains why Mitt Romney can be a perplexing individual for average Americans to understand. You’d be thrilled if you found $250. He’s worth $250 million. There’s just no way to relate.
Luckily for Americans, we have all been exposed to literally hundreds of millionaires and billionaires via television and movies. While this may seem an odd way to learn about a candidate for President, the fact remains that most Americans are informed about this planet via fiction.
Thus, here are the Top-10 most intriguing and interesting TV and Movie Rich people, as well as the qualities they share with Willard Mitt Romney?
A billionaire playboy, Wayne saw his parents get murdered when he was just a child. Inheriting his wealth, Wayne decided to become the world’s greatest crime fighter. Incredibly intelligent and handsome, Wayne has amazing courage. Despite never being able to adequately explain what the deal was with Robin, Wayne manages to have a strong public image and is well-regarded among all social classes. Also, he’s freaking Batman.
Romney Qualities: None. Not even a little bit.
Thurston Howell, III
Howell was only referenced as “The Millionaire” in the opening of the credits of the show, which was back in the days when “millionaire” was a pretty impressive thing. His elitism was unstoppable, to the point that he and his wife packed a ridiculous amount of clothing for what was supposed to be just a three-hour tour. Even on an island where money meant nothing, Howell lived life as he always had – as a superior being who was at the top of the social class. The rest of the castaways – apparently conditioned to treat the rich as their superiors – treat him as though his being rich in the real world matters. Howell once owned Denver. One of the bigger mysteries of the whole show was what he and his wife were doing on a crappy tour boat surrounded by plebes.
Romney Qualities: While far nicer and more likable than Romney, both share a complete lack of awareness to the world in general. Also, both graduated from Harvard.
“Greed is good,” said Gekko in 1987 and the phrase immediately became the motto for the United States. For some reason, being a super-rich creep who screwed anyone to make more money became the model for true Americans. Because Gekko was super creepy. From dating models to owning ridiculous boats to just being a self-loving douchebag, Gekko was everything a human really wouldn’t want to be. Self-absorbed with a complete lack of empathy, Gekko was a waste of an incredible mind. Forget Ronald Reagan, Gordon Gekko is the father of modern conservatism.
Romney Qualities: Stir in some Mormonism and remove some intelligence and they’re roughly the same person.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Easily the most constipated man in the history of entertainment, Potter could only be more evil if he snacked on baby while destroying the dreams of average, hard-working types. Potter has two goals in life – Make all the money in the world and own the Bailey family’s crappy Building & Loan operation. He travels in a wheelchair only because hovercrafts had yet to be invented. He will gladly cheat to gain financial advantages. Just a really big asshole.
Romney Qualities: They may as well be the same person.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Worth more than $2.4 billion, Salander had an abusive childhood and bears the mental scars. Like Romney, she is hard to peg, but while Romney is a blank slate, she is a cornucopia of complexity. She is a pierced, tattoo’d, bisexual computer hacking genius that uses her power and resources for good. Don’t cross her. Like a modern-day, hyper-cool chick Batman, she will get her justice.
Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney has a tattoo of Milton Friedman on his ass.
Silence of the Lambs
Despite spending a good chunk of his adult life in prison, Lecter was obviously a shrewd investor and manipulator of markets. How rich was he? Who knows? But the guy lived large. A one-time psychiatrist, Lecter has a taste for the finer things in life, including human flesh. An incredibly intelligent man, Lecter manages to be charming despite the fact he’s one of the most heinous killers ever put to film. Remember this dirty little secret? In the book version, he and agent Clarice Starling become lovers and live together in Argentina.
Romney Qualities: Romney once ate a census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. I shit you not.
Like many on this list and Romney himself, Stark had to step out of his father’s shadow. Once a carefree billionaire making weapons to destroy America’s enemies real and perceived, Stark found the light, invented an awesome suit, and became one of the world’s great crime fighters. A true genius, Stark is equally adept at charming ladies as he is inventing things that have no business being invented.
Romney Qualities: If Romney had access to the Iron Man suit, this planet would be a charred ember right about now.
In keeping with their modern tradition of making everyone annoyingly lovable, Disney has tamed McDuck over the years, making him more of a good all-around person. But the fact is, at the height of his powers, McDuck had more money than anyone on the planet and was a miserly jerk. McDuck once used hired thgugs to destroy an African village in order to reap its rubber. He owned a private zoo that included the world’s last unicorn. He was a ruthless, money-making machine. Also, he was a duck.
Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney is not a duck.
The owner of MomCorp, Mom is the richest person in the future, by far. Weilding un-Godly power, Mom makes it her business to get into everyone`s business in order to profit and to torment her former lover Professor Herbert Farnsworth. Commits almost constant acts of abuse on her adult children, and very possibly straps them to the roof of her car during long trips. Tries to maintain a solid public image despite only caring about herself. Her hair hasn’t moved in centuries.
Romney Qualities: These two share so much in common, it has been speculated that Romney has probably also had a stormy affair with Farnsworth.
The son of a wealthy man, Webb leads a free-spirited hedonistic life spent mostly at a country club his father co-founded. A genius golfer who doesn’t bother keeping score, Webb shows an ease around non-club members that belies his wealth. he takes young caddie Danny under his wing, helping the young golf phenom reach new heights. He even takes time to talk with greenskeeper Carl Spackler, even though Spackler is obviously insane and possibly even dangerous. Webb openly detests the rich people that frequent the country club, and is generally disinterested in his own wealth, leaving large uncashed checks laying around his apartment.
Romney Qualities: Ok, these two share nothing in common aside from the fact that reportedly in real life, both Chevy Chase and Mitt Romney are notable dicks.
April 15, 2012
March 21, 2012
They talk tough and all, but …
March 7, 2012
February 27, 2012
February 22, 2012
My little boys. They grow up so quickly.
February 9, 2012
January 10, 2012
Thanks to SomeEcards.
December 16, 2011
Feel free to add your own.
December 1, 2011
We cannot allow this to end.
My friends, we are living in a special time and it is up to us to get as much out of it as we possibly can. The current field for the GOP nomination for the Presidency is a group that can only be defined as “special.” And we may start losing them.
Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain have been the only thing that has kept America from falling into a complete depression – mentally, not economically, mind you. This group of Republicans has helped America in so many ways. And we are nearing a time when some of them may start dropping out. So now it is our turn to help them.
Cain – who led in the polls as recently as a few weeks ago – may be the first to go. Apparently blindsided by the fact that 13-year affairs don’t magically disappear when you begin a political campaign, Cain has spoken of “reassessing” his campaign. This, as we all know, is code for “How can I get out of this.”
Still, Cain is showing the gumption to keep going. The multiple accusations of sexual harassment haven’t slowed Cain, and it’s possible the allegations of a long “friends with benefits” relationship with Ginger White won’t stop him either. Cain has lashed out, releasing child-like maps that are supposed to showcase his foreign policy chops (Brazil? A friend!) and firing away at his critics, claiming that Democrats and liberals are are afraid of him.
And he speaks the truth. We are afraid of Cain. Afraid that he’ll drop out of the race. In fact, we’re afraid of losing any of the GOP contenders. We are in the midst of a once-in-a-lifetime event. The GOP’s Elite Eight is akin to Haley’s Comet flying by during a solar eclipse while the Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Much like a boy band, each of these candidates holds a special niche:
Romney: The hot one who just wants to be respected for his ever-changing mind.
Gingrich: The angry one with horrifying morals who will likely be spitting on voters before the end.
Cain: The funny, yet super-troubled and possibly dangerous one.
Perry: The drunk one.
Paul: The wacky one who lives in a separate reality but has a cult of fans who live in that same separate reality.
Huntsman: The one in the suit.
Bachmann: The nutjob religoid.
Santorum: The nutjob religoid.
Ok, there may be more nutjob religoids in this group than in your average boy band, but I’m on a roll here so just overlook that.
As individuals, each one of these candidates is a train wreck of horror. But put them together, and they sing, baby. Somehow, all the anger, self-righteousness and ignorance meshes together into a symphony of stupid. Every GOP debate is must-see TV. They are like “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” but with far less intellectuality and ethics. And the best part is, they all assume we are laughing with them, when we are all just laughing at them.
This is why Americans of all stripes must come together and encourage all of them to stay in the race for the long haul. We must send letters, e-mails and text messages of support. We cannot lose a single one of them. Not now. Not when we need them most.
My friends, eventually there will be just one GOP candidate. And that candidate will somehow lose the general election to Barack Obama by 600 or so electoral votes as new states will spontaneously emerge just to vote against whoever the GOP offers up to slaughter.
Ok, maybe we can afford to lose Huntsman. But the others must stay on at least until the GOP Convention in Sept. 2012. Better yet, we need them all to stay in the race with the belief they may win.
Howard Gold called the Elite Eight “the single worst field of presidential candidates a major party has put forward in 50 years.” Gold is both correct and incorrect in this opinion. Sure, not a single one of them has a chance to win a race for county dog catcher, let alone the Presidency. But for those of us who revel in seeing a group of people far stupider and more evil than ourselves, the Elite Eight is pure win.
It is up to all of us to keep all of them in the race, for as long as possible. Ok, maybe not Huntsman. I still have no idea why he even ran in the first place. But the rest of them we need. Stay the course, Lady and Gentlemen. We need you. Now more than ever.
November 29, 2011
Fireworks shot through the Internet night
Enter stage left came Ginger White
She sees him struggling at a GOP Debate
Cries out “My God he’ll rule us all”
Here comes the story of the Herman Cain
The man so many women came to blame
For something that he says he never done
Put him even with Santorum but one time he could-a been
The President of the world.
Three other ladies there does Ginger see
And other women moving around mysteriously
“I didn’t do it” he says and he throws up his hands
“We were just friends I hope you understand
I’m a good Christian” he says and he frets
But one of them called up Gloria Allred
She arrives on the scene and the red lights flash
For a man who sold pizza to make his cash.
Meanwhile far away in another part of town
Herman Cain has no idea about foreign policy
Number one contender for the Presidency
Had no idea what kinda shit was about to go down
When Wolf Blitzer asked if he did cheat
Just like the time before and the time before that
In Washington that’s just the way things go
If you’re a phony the Press you should not meet
‘Less you wanna draw the heat.
Herman could take a man out with just one line
But he never did like to talk about nothing but 999
It will work he’d say and it would add to my pay
But those sexual harassment charges have never gone away
Now all the contenders in their coats and their ties
Are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise
While Herman sits in his own private hell
A guilty man who couldn’t keep vows to his wife
That’s the story of the Herman Cain
And he’ll never be able to clear his name
And undo the damage he’s done
He’s dropping out of the race today but he could-a been
The President of the world.
HT Bob Dylan
November 21, 2011
Don Johnson sent to find it.
October 11, 2011
I refuse to believe that Mr. Chopra’s account was hacked. After all, we must walk with those seeking truth and run from those that think they’ve found it.
September 22, 2011
Trust me on this, do your own Tweeting. Mark Davidson has learned this lesson the hard way.
September 21, 2011
Dana Gould sends Kevin Pollack into hysterics with his Larry Kingisms.