April 9, 2014
Ostrich Farm Coming to Happerty
By Bob Haskins, Jr.,
HAPPERTY – Attempting to encourage healthy eating in town, Bob Haskins announced today he will be starting an ostrich farm on his three-acre plot of land behind the Save & Spend. The new farm promises to make ostrich meat and ostrich eggs a new staple on citizens’ menus.
“We’re pretty excited about this,” said Haskins, 67. “Ostrich meat is 100 times more healthy for people than beef or chicken and much less expensive. This farm will make us all healthier and happier.”
Haskins said he envisioned 100 new full-time jobs being created due to the farm, a number which would put Happerty – with a current population of 1,700 – at full employment.
Mayor Nick Benson said he believed the ostrich farm was a “blessing for our happy town,” and would help draw in curious visitors from out of town – visitors that would spend money in Happerty.
“I believe we shall become known for the noble ostrich,” said the Mayor. “This is a great moment for all our citizens.”
Haskins Ostrich farm will be the first new business in Happerty since 2003, when Edna Fairchild opened “Eclectic Edna Electronics,” which went out of business in 2004, following the Downtown fire.
Ostriches arrive in Happerty
By Bob Haskins, Jr.
HAPPERTY – Bob Haskins’ dream of an ostrich farm came to fruition today, as 100 young ostriches arrived via truck. Haskins called this day “The most important day in Happerty since the Selma girl got a job as a back-up singer with The Go-Gos.”
Haskins Ostrich Farm officially opened for business at 12:38 p.m., as the first ostriches came to the farm. The farm is now the biggest ostrich farm in the state.
“We will dominate the ostrich market, you hear that Happerty?” said Haskins.
A few concerned citizens have pointed out that the lack of ostrich farms in the state is due to the extremely frigid and long winters. Haskins said the accusations were “balderdash from paranoids.”
“Listen, the ostrich is an amazing bird,” said Haskins. “I was told they grow an extra layer of feathers in the winter for warmth. They are, essentially, Huskies of the bird world.”
Haskins added that fresh ostrich eggs and meat should be available by the beginning of the year.
Ostrich Farm Owner Warns Rock-Throwing Kids
By Bob Haskins Jr.
HAPPERTY – Following three seperate incidents of kids throwing rocks at his prized ostriches, Bob Haskins – owner of Haskins Ostrich Farm – came forward today with a warning for the youths.
“Listen, you kids don’t really know ostriches,” said Haskins. “They can be extremely dangerous if provoked.”
Haskins went on to say that unlike many birds, ostriches have razor-sharp teeth to go with claws and the strength of three men. When provoked, Haskins said, they can go into a blind rage.
“So, parents, warn your kids not to throw rocks at the ostriches. It’s for their own good,” added Haskins.
Haskins added that the farm was running smoothly and the first eggs should be on the market next week.
Ostrich Eggs Reach the Market
By Bob Haskins, Jr.
HAPPERTY - Calling it “A victory for capitalism and Happerty,” Bob Haskins personally delivered five dozen fresh ostrich eggs to the Save & Spend. The eggs quickly sold out to interested Happertyites.
“They look exactly like other eggs, but I hear they’re better,” said Mayor Nick Benson. “I really thought they would be bigger, tho. But, seriously, this is great.”
Haskins said the eggs were smaller due to the “trauma of relocation” for the ostriches and that rumors that he had just bought five dozens regular eggs in nearby Colson County were “slanderous half-truths.” Haskins said that unknown elements were trying to sabotage the farm by spreading false rumors.
“These are ostrich eggs, trust me” said Haskins. “They’ll be bigger next time.”
75 ostriches “Spread Their Wings and Go with God”
By Bob Haskins, Jr.
HAPPERTY – Seventy-five ostriches froze to death following the season’s first good cold snap, Haskins Ostrich Farm reported.
“Well, I didn’t see this coming,” said Bob Haskins, owner of Haskins Ostrich Farm. “I guess it was just time for these ostriches to spread their wings and go with God.”
Haskins added that he will keep his remaining 14 ostriches inside the barn for the remainder of the winter.
“Really, I was assured that ostriches could handle the cold,” said Haskins. “Well, fool me once …”
Haskins said the meat from the frozen ostriches will be available at the Save & Spend later this afternoon.
Crazed Townspeople Massacre Remaining Ostriches
By Bob Haskins, Jr.
HAPPERTY – An escaped ostrich from Haskins Ostrich Farm created a panic among townspeople, who stormed the farm, killed every ostrich and destroyed every ostrich egg.
“It was them or us,” said Joe Stephens, bartender at The Grill.
The incident began when one osrich found a hole in the fence at the farm. The ostrich then wandered into town, terrifying residents who had been warned that ostriches have razor-sharp teeth and quick tempers.
“Ignorance, that’s what caused this,” said a tearful Bob Haskins. “They’re gone, they’re all gone.”
A mob quickly gathered around the lone ostrich and people began attacking it with sticks, knives and guns. Not sated, the terrified and crazed mob stormed the Haskins farm and mutilated all remaining animals.
“Wow, that was ugly, huh?” said Mayor Nick Benson. “Like I said, we shall be known for the ostrich.”
As the stench of dead ostrich wafted through town, Haskins said he had learned some valuable lessons.
“This town just wasn’t ready for ostriches, that’s about it,” said Haskins. “And now, two good men and one woman have lost their part-time jobs at my farm. It’s just sad all around.”
Haskins said he will now devote more time to his primary job as publisher of this newspaper.
February 25, 2014
CLEVELAND – UPS driver Tim Johnston woke up one day last week with a feeling of dread. A feeling that things just weren’t right. So often he felt this way but never spoke up about it. But this time, he wasn’t going to let it pass. This time, he was going to speak out.
“Gravity is BS,” said Johnston. “I’ve thought about this for awhile and it just doesn’t add up.”
Johnston said he based his anti-Law-of-Gravity theory on the simple fact that not all things are not constantly falling all the time.
“Kinda seems like that’s what would happen if gravity were real, right?” said Johnston, 47. “I mean, that’s how it feels to me.”
Johnston’s announcement caused a commotion in the entertainment/science industry. ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & Fox News (“Gravity: Stop Being a Slave”) have all announced new news/science/entertainment specials that will address this building dissent over gravity’s effects.
CNN also announced it will feature a two-hour, primetime debate between renowned entertainer/activist/scientist/TV Personality Bill Nye and Johnston. Nye said this was an opportunity to educate the public.
“Science!” said Nye, who then pushed a button that made his bow tie spin.
Others have joined Johnston’s call.
“[Gravity] was filmed on a soundstage by the government!” said citizen Raul Pudd, pounding his fists and with spittle flying everywhere.
For Johnston, the attention has been worth it as he tries to bring attention to what some have called “The Greatest Hoax in American History.”
“It just feels wrong, right?” said Johnston, a Capricorn. “This is one of those things that liberals believe that’s just BS. I mean, it’s just a theory.”
CNN chief Jeff Zucker said he was glad to see his network begin to take shape in his image.
“This is what the people want,” said Zucker, who announced that one lucky debate viewer will win a free trip to Tucson, Arizona. “People are asking questions.
“Is gravity America’s greatest hoax, or not?” added Zucker. “That’s what we want to attempt to answer, if we can. We’re CNN.”
July 4, 2013
My friends, those of you know me are aware that I’m liberal. And yet you still like me. (Haha. See, liberals can have a sense of humor!).
Anyway, I feel it is now time that I define my political leanings even more fully. I am a liberal, you see, but so much more. I am THE liberal. Yes, I have seen you wishy-washy types and I have judged you as lacking. Sure, you all dance around liberal issues, but I BELIEVE them. for instance, I believe:
- The recent NSA allegations is a reason to overthrow the government.
- Edward Snowden is more god than man. See also Manning, Bradley.
- The racist war on drugs is a reason to overthrow the government.
- I believe it is a small step from using predator drone bombs on terrorists to using them on me for being such an outspoken polemic.
- If you don’t die inside every time you hear about an innocent being predator drone bombed to death, you may as well be a Republican in Alabama.
- Obama killed two American citizens without a trial. Viva la revolution.
- If you believe anything in the corporate media, you’re a jerk.
Face it, you’re a fascist and want a fascist regime full of fascism. Well, don’t include me. I’m a real liberal. And I won’t be satisfied until we’re all living in a Libertarian paradise.
Update 1: Fuck you.
June 26, 2013
This is just amazing television.
April 22, 2013
NEW YORK — The writing style of satire was blown up in a suicide attack at its home in the upper West side of Manhattan. Snark and Snide Disregard were also injured in the attack and are currently in intensive care.
Satire, which gained prominence via writers like Jonathan Swift and Voltaire, has struggled to find its footing recently in the Internet-driven world, as more and more satire is associated with mindless attacks, sophomoric humor and the oft-imitated “Breaking” news story. Satire reached a low point recently when the magazine “The New Yorker” hired Andy Borowitz, who then proceeded to write the exact same story 175 consecutive times.
“These are dark times,” said mediocre, little-known satirist William K. Wolfrum. “Colbert may be able to resuscitate satire, but the rest of us are just repeating the same crap over and over.”
No one has yet come forward to claim credit for the attack, but some are speculating that it could be the result of readers demanding more during troubling times. At Fox news, Sean Hannity claimed this had all the earmarks of an Al Qaeda attack, but that he didn’t really understand satire, anyway, so who cares?
More on this story as it develops …
March 11, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.
The move to ban drones was met by complete bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, with even staunch defense supporters like warmongering angry white guy Sen. John McCain giving it a thumbs up.
“This is just great,” said McCain, who appeared to be choking on something. “Really, great.”
Many experts, like William K. Wolfrum, the writer of this blog post, had said getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work.
“Getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work,” said Wolfrum, who just lazily cut-and-pasted that. “I had assumed it would require a bipartisan, national and international movement. But, what the hell do I know?”
Aside from banning all future drones, Obama signed an executive order to destroy all available drones, cease work on them, release all documents regarding drone usage, accuse himself of war crimes, impeach himself and give himself a lengthy jail sentence. Obama said that someone finally told him that predator drones have killed untold innocent civilians in nations like Yemen and Pakistan, and that killing civilians only further increases radicalization.
“They told me that and I was like, ‘Woah,’ and stuff,” said Obama. “If I killed innocent civilians, I must be jailed for war crimes. I would have no moral standing if I didn’t. Also, I was born in Kenya.”
In other news to further showcase how over-the-top this post has become, the stars of “Finding Bigfoot,” today found Bigfoot, who, for all intents and purposes, seems like a fine fellow. It’s goal achieved, the show has been cancelled to make room for “Bigfoot & Honey Boo Boo.”
March 7, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama – in an attempt to ease tensions with Senate Republicans – bought a dozen GOP senators dinner last night, in what all have said was a pleasant evening. The dinner was held at the Jefferson Hotel, with Obama picking up the tab out of his own pocket.
The 12 senators – John McCain, Tom Coburn, Bob Corker, Kelly Ayotte, Dan Coats, Richard Burr, Mike Johanns, Pat Toomey, Ron Johnson, John Hoeven, Lindsey Graham and Saxby Chambliss – were all so moved by the President’s largess, that all switched their party affiliation to communist immediately following the dinner.
“If this is communism, it’s delicious!” said Johnson, who dined on shrimp risotto. “The people United cannot be divided! And neither will a check when Barack is around.”
Following the dinner, all 12 senators said they would back any plan the President had on any issue, and will work to convince their GOP colleagues that “communism is where it’s at,” as McCain said.
“The President today showed his true stripes – striped bass that is!” said Coburn, wearing a Che Guevarra T-shirt. “Seriously though, President Obama is a great man and I’ll do anything for him now. Anything. Name it.”
While some of the 12 senators stated they wished now Obama would be more liberal and buy them dessert, the dinner was a major victory for the President. The dinner was also a victory for American political pundits, who have long stated that if Obama was only nicer to Republicans, then everything would be cool.
January 27, 2013
When Justin Sisely announced that he planned to film a “Virgin Sells Virginity” porn, the media went wild, endlessly repeating a story based on nothing.
Now, that’s not a big surprise. What is a surprise is that after the announcement – heck, even before it – random dudes with lots of walking-around money started hurling incredible bids at Sisely, asking to be the male lead in said porno.
A little look back: As the story was repeated, Sisely had planned on making a “documentary” about the life and devirginizing of a virgin. He planned to do this by flying the virgin – Catarina Migliorini – away from her friends and family so they wouldn’t talk her out o it. Then, because what he planned to do was legally prostitution everywhere, he said he’d put the couple on the airplane, film the sex scene and then everyone would be impressed what a nifty little
pornographer pimp filmmaker he is and then – money.
Anyway, Migliorini has never seen the money or done the act, as far as can be verified, but she has appeared on the cover of Brazilian Playboy, and she most definitely got paid.
Now comes the latest virgin sale (I hope they realize this
racket market could get saturated soon). One Rebbeca Bernardo – shenned by the mega-popular reality show “Big Brother Brasil” – has put her virginity to the highest bidder.
Bernardo said she looked for jobs and tried selling cosmetics and working as a waitress, but without a high school degree, the pay was minimal.
“I would get 150 reais ($75) for working all day, which would just pay the salary of someone to stay with my mother,” she said, after patiently feeding her mother a plate of reheated spaghetti.
Ok, hit the breaks. The R$150 amount she tosses out is five times the Brazilian minimum wage. I’m going to guess I could round up quite a few Americans that’d take $75 a day right about now. How exactly is this 18-year-old without a high school degree able to make this amount? Waitressing?
As for her mother’s care, one important point must be brought up – This is Brazil. The national motto is “We’ve Got a Social Program For That.”
Doesn’t add up, not at all. Probably because it’s yet another attention-seking hoax:
There are questions surrounding the authenticity of Bernardo’s altruism. A Brazilian TV network offered to pay for her mother’s medical expenses if Bernardo called off the auction. While she initially accepted the offer during a television interview, she later rejected it because the network would not pay for a house in a different town where she could “start a new life.”
So here’s the thing – there are no bids. Right now, the burden of proof is on Sisely and Bern. Show us the money. Because let’s think about this so-called billing for a moment.
For Sisely, somehow, a magical, out of nowhere, based on nothing $170,000 bid appeared from one “Jack Miller,” and it luckily came before anyone even knew Sisely was in the virgin-sales business. Now, news organizations like CNN are reporting it as $780,000. Just because no money has changed hands and likely never will is no reason to doubt this figure.
Now here’s something: If I was the type of guy who had $780,000, or even $170k, to toss away on one night of sex, I would probably be the type of guy who had a lawyer. A lawyer who would say “Gee, Bill, this is the worst idea ever. Really, ever. I can’t express how terrible this is morally, financially, and really, as a human it’s just heinous.”
Or words to that effect.
Seriously, this doesn’t require too large a dose of skeptical thinking – $780,000. For one night. With someone who may or may not be a virgin. In an airplane. Being filmed. Try this, tho – there is no money, no bidder, no nothing. It’s all been a PR stunt.
I’d say going with the latter seems the correct call right now.
Anyway, I expect this virgin prostituting idea to pop up again. Why not? The first one worked out so well. Getting in Playboy is a big deal down here. Just know that this trend was not created by Sisely – it was created by a media that finds critical thinking takes way too much time when you can just copy and paste. Plus, you can then have people write stories about the decline of the world’s morality.
But right now, none of this is actually a story. It’s all just a rumor.
January 15, 2013
2012 was a milestone year for Westboro Baptist Church, with the religion remaining in 1 Church, Mission and/or affiliated group, spanning 1 nation – figures that represent a growth rate 0 times that of a decade ago.
The driving force behind this unparalleled era of growth is Fred Phelps, the dashing, brilliant and all-powerful leader of Westboro Baptist Church. Mr. Phelps is unrelenting in his work for his handful of relatives who serve as parishioners. Phelps has led a renaissance for the religion itself, getting Westboro Baptist mentioned in numerous publications with the church’s social and humanitarian initiatives, which include such programs as screaming at grief-stricken relatives at funerals.
In 2012, Phelps continued his program to shower hatred on all those he personally despises, using God as a shield. This has led Westboro Baptist to protest the funerals of dead children, soldiers, and anyone else he personally is offended by.
But Westboro Baptist is so much more than the homophobia and inhumanity of its leader and six or seven members. Under Phelps’ leadership, Westboro Baptist has become an amazing, happy, Disneyland of wonderfulness, incest and self-righteous hatred.
Take it from this reporter, this Web site’s reputation and everything related to me personally – Westboro Baptist Church is the greatest entity in the world today and should be respected, loved and adored by all of humanity!
December 21, 2012
The main problem of any rational gun control debate in the U.S. is thus:
One side wants zero gun control regulation and view guns as intangible objects that define their Liberty. Liberty is an intangible concept.
The other side wants rational and responsible gun control regulations and view guns as tangible objects designed to kill tangible objects. Tangible objects such as humans.
Many more people reside within the middle of these two sides. But they are not invited to the debate.
October 13, 2012
Slowly I infiltrate the Murdoch empire. See where else I have been mentioned or had my work published by clicking here.
October 9, 2012
As a political blogger, I have long had a reputation as a pragmatic, level-headed fellow who often uses humor in lieu of shrillness. While I am proud of this reputation, it is one that has kept me from achieving the popularity I so rightly deserve. That is why, as of today, I will be changing my positions and attitudes to better take advantage of the current political atmosphere.
You see, with the U.S. election scant weeks away, I have yet to give my readers the passion, anger and outright falsehoods they truly desire. That is why, as of today, I will begin to produce blog posts that readers desire. In the upcoming days, I shall be releasing several new blog posts, including:
MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA
MITT ROMNEY ONCE SHOT A MAN IN RENO AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO WATCH HIM DIE
MITT ROMNEY WILL FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BE MORMON
MITT ROMNEY’S BEST FRIEND IS JERRY SANDUSKY
While I admit some of these posts are woefully short on facts, that is not an important factor in today’s political scene. You see, when the media blatantly ignores a candidate’s lies – especially when his campaign admitted he would lie to attract voters - then a strategy of just making stuff up is a sure win. No one will call me out on shrilly making things up. In fact, I fully expect the media to soon come out with stories that begin “Some are saying Mitt Romney’s best friend is Jerry Sandusky.”
Plus, let’s face it, conservative bloggers have been getting amazing national exposure by just making stuff up, and none of them seem overly perturbed that their candidate is now taking less-than-conservative stances on issues. They know Romney needs to attract centrist voters, and they are willing to be in on the joke. It’s time more liberals did the same, right?
Keep in mind, I am still the calm, thoughtful blogger I have always been. Following election day on Nov. 6, I will revert back to my normal style. I’d ask you, dear reader, not to tell anyone of my ruse, but being upfront about lying doesn’t seem to matter much these days.
My friends, my adopting a persona and style that is false will help me get the attention and readership I deserve. I will win. And, in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
October 2, 2012
A couple days ago, I noticed a story making the rounds on the Internet about a young Brazilian girl that had agreed to sell off her virginity to the highest bidder. This “auction” is being held by one Justin Sisely, who is apparently in the process of making a documentary about her experience, as well as the experience of a male who is also auctioning his virginity.
Sisely has been at this project for more than two years now, as Sisely made news in his native Australia in 2010 by announcing his search for virgins.
Bidding apparently began on Sept. 18 and has now risen to $190,000 for female virgin Catarina Migliorini by an American bidder named Jack Miller, who just edged out another American, Martin Robinson, who bid $180,000. The highest bid for male virgin – Russian Alexander Stepanov – is currently at $1,300.
Now, thus far, Sisely’s planned film has drawn reams of criticism, mostly of the moral indignation type.
Myself, I have no moral qualms about what Sisely is trying to do. Mostly, because I think it’s probably bollocks. The reasons are numerous and have sent my Debunk Alert to level Red. Some of the reasons I find the whole “Virgins Wanted” project hard to believe:
To Film or Not to Film
In 2010, Sisely made it clear that the “documentary” would definitely include video of the “virgins” having sex. From the New York Daily News:
“Our camera follows the principal cast … as they shed their virginity to a complete stranger in front of a worldwide audience.”
From Migliorini’s statement:
“Of course, my first time will not be filmed. This is not porn, otherwise I would die of shame. The producer will shoot until I get on the plane.”
While the latest stories about “Virgins Wanted” came out on Oct. 1, the “bidding” for the virgins started on Sept. 18. In just two weeks, Migliorini’s virginity has received seven bids of more than $50,000, with the leading bid (made on Oct. 1) at $190,000. There is no way to validate this.
The Production Company
The production company behind the documentary – Thomas William Productions – has, at best, done some wedding videos.
Web Sites and Social Media
About the Virgins
Thus far, the media has had little to no access to either of the two “virgins.” Migliorini gave Fohla de Sao Paulo a statement, and that statement is where all her quotes have come from in other stories. Stepanov has been included in a story with Russia Slam, but it is impossible to know if he was personally interviewed or released a statement like Migliorini.
Other Issues and Questions
- Sisely says the sexual encounters with the virgins will take place on a private plane between the U.S. and Australia, thus getting by any nation’s prostitution laws (say what you will, but this is prostitution). International airspace is not a free-for-all zone of sin and lawlessness.
- Migliorini said she and Stepanov are currently in Indonesia filming the documentary. Why Indonesia?
- How exactly are Migliorini and Stepanov being tested to verify their virginity?
- Stepanov was one of the original virgins selected in 2009 when “Virgins Wanted” was originally conceived. After Australia made it clear that the filming of such a documentary would be illegal, the encounters were supposed to be filmed in Las vegas. Why did the first female “virgin” pull out of the project and when and how the Las Vegas angle fall apart?
Why do all the promotional videos (well, all three of them) feel staged? You can see them all here.
Basically, let me wrap this up as I see it: An unheard of director is working with an unheard of producer. Two years ago, they floated out the idea of auctioning off virgins and filming the sexual encounters. Two years later, they are back and say the sex will happen by the end of the month.
We know nothing verifiable about Migliorini, and in her video she does not mention “Virgins Wanted.”. Stepanov, we know a little from his video, a video that included his mother telling him “you’re not adapting to life.” We know nothing of the bidders, who are supposedly up to $190,000 for one hour with the female. The two “virgins” are right now in Indonesia being filmed. They will then go to Australia, to fly a private plane to the U.S., so they can have sex in the air without being arrested for prostitution.
The sex may or may not be filmed. The sex may or may not actually happen. The two “virgins” may not be virgins. The bids may not exist. The entire enterprise may not even exist.
It’s very possible that Sisely is trying to do exactly what he says. It’s also possible he’s just doing a porn and getting it some great publicity. It’s also possible that he’s just hoaxing everyone for the hell of it.
My personal opinion is that something stinks with this story.
But I don’t really take issue with Sisely, and have made attempts to contact him. My issue is with a careless and foolish media that sees a story titled “Brazilian Girl Auctioning Off Her Virginity!” and decide to run with it, regardless of how many holes there are in the story or the fact that they can’t verify any of it. It’s a story for Internet hits. Accuracy be damned.
I’ll revisit this topic soon as I research more on it and hopefully will speak with Mr. Sisely via e-mail in the near future. I currently don’t know the full truth behind “Virgins Wanted,” but I will.
September 26, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Gallup poll today showing that a large percentage of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are “jerks.”
The poll – which took the opinions of one Mitt Romney over a 10-state area – showed some negative trends for the U.S. public. By wide margins, American citizens were thought to be “stupid,” and “Jerks,” and that they “should not be involved in the governing process.
Politifact gave the “U.S. Citizens are Jerks” belief a “Completely Totally Kind of Not True” rating. The poll has a +/- of three percent.
Another poll, this one released by Rasmussen Polls, showed the Romney has pulled into a slight lead of 46%-45% in a new poll of “People Who Have Been Personally Wronged By President Barack Obama.”
September 14, 2012
A Politico reporter literally gives Mitt Romney some of her birthday cake, as George Stephanopoulus figuratively feeds Romney cake by allowing him to call President Obama a liar without asking the Republican nominee about his own well-deserved reputation as a liar.
The U.S. Media: Feeding cake to power.