April 22, 2013
NEW YORK — The writing style of satire was blown up in a suicide attack at its home in the upper West side of Manhattan. Snark and Snide Disregard were also injured in the attack and are currently in intensive care.
Satire, which gained prominence via writers like Jonathan Swift and Voltaire, has struggled to find its footing recently in the Internet-driven world, as more and more satire is associated with mindless attacks, sophomoric humor and the oft-imitated “Breaking” news story. Satire reached a low point recently when the magazine “The New Yorker” hired Andy Borowitz, who then proceeded to write the exact same story 175 consecutive times.
“These are dark times,” said mediocre, little-known satirist William K. Wolfrum. “Colbert may be able to resuscitate satire, but the rest of us are just repeating the same crap over and over.”
No one has yet come forward to claim credit for the attack, but some are speculating that it could be the result of readers demanding more during troubling times. At Fox news, Sean Hannity claimed this had all the earmarks of an Al Qaeda attack, but that he didn’t really understand satire, anyway, so who cares?
More on this story as it develops …
March 11, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.
The move to ban drones was met by complete bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, with even staunch defense supporters like warmongering angry white guy Sen. John McCain giving it a thumbs up.
“This is just great,” said McCain, who appeared to be choking on something. “Really, great.”
Many experts, like William K. Wolfrum, the writer of this blog post, had said getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work.
“Getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work,” said Wolfrum, who just lazily cut-and-pasted that. “I had assumed it would require a bipartisan, national and international movement. But, what the hell do I know?”
Aside from banning all future drones, Obama signed an executive order to destroy all available drones, cease work on them, release all documents regarding drone usage, accuse himself of war crimes, impeach himself and give himself a lengthy jail sentence. Obama said that someone finally told him that predator drones have killed untold innocent civilians in nations like Yemen and Pakistan, and that killing civilians only further increases radicalization.
“They told me that and I was like, ‘Woah,’ and stuff,” said Obama. “If I killed innocent civilians, I must be jailed for war crimes. I would have no moral standing if I didn’t. Also, I was born in Kenya.”
In other news to further showcase how over-the-top this post has become, the stars of “Finding Bigfoot,” today found Bigfoot, who, for all intents and purposes, seems like a fine fellow. It’s goal achieved, the show has been cancelled to make room for “Bigfoot & Honey Boo Boo.”
March 7, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama – in an attempt to ease tensions with Senate Republicans – bought a dozen GOP senators dinner last night, in what all have said was a pleasant evening. The dinner was held at the Jefferson Hotel, with Obama picking up the tab out of his own pocket.
The 12 senators – John McCain, Tom Coburn, Bob Corker, Kelly Ayotte, Dan Coats, Richard Burr, Mike Johanns, Pat Toomey, Ron Johnson, John Hoeven, Lindsey Graham and Saxby Chambliss – were all so moved by the President’s largess, that all switched their party affiliation to communist immediately following the dinner.
“If this is communism, it’s delicious!” said Johnson, who dined on shrimp risotto. “The people United cannot be divided! And neither will a check when Barack is around.”
Following the dinner, all 12 senators said they would back any plan the President had on any issue, and will work to convince their GOP colleagues that “communism is where it’s at,” as McCain said.
“The President today showed his true stripes – striped bass that is!” said Coburn, wearing a Che Guevarra T-shirt. “Seriously though, President Obama is a great man and I’ll do anything for him now. Anything. Name it.”
While some of the 12 senators stated they wished now Obama would be more liberal and buy them dessert, the dinner was a major victory for the President. The dinner was also a victory for American political pundits, who have long stated that if Obama was only nicer to Republicans, then everything would be cool.
January 27, 2013
When Justin Sisely announced that he planned to film a “Virgin Sells Virginity” porn, the media went wild, endlessly repeating a story based on nothing.
Now, that’s not a big surprise. What is a surprise is that after the announcement – heck, even before it – random dudes with lots of walking-around money started hurling incredible bids at Sisely, asking to be the male lead in said porno.
A little look back: As the story was repeated, Sisely had planned on making a “documentary” about the life and devirginizing of a virgin. He planned to do this by flying the virgin – Catarina Migliorini – away from her friends and family so they wouldn’t talk her out o it. Then, because what he planned to do was legally prostitution everywhere, he said he’d put the couple on the airplane, film the sex scene and then everyone would be impressed what a nifty little
pornographer pimp filmmaker he is and then – money.
Anyway, Migliorini has never seen the money or done the act, as far as can be verified, but she has appeared on the cover of Brazilian Playboy, and she most definitely got paid.
Now comes the latest virgin sale (I hope they realize this
racket market could get saturated soon). One Rebbeca Bernardo – shenned by the mega-popular reality show “Big Brother Brasil” – has put her virginity to the highest bidder.
Bernardo said she looked for jobs and tried selling cosmetics and working as a waitress, but without a high school degree, the pay was minimal.
“I would get 150 reais ($75) for working all day, which would just pay the salary of someone to stay with my mother,” she said, after patiently feeding her mother a plate of reheated spaghetti.
Ok, hit the breaks. The R$150 amount she tosses out is five times the Brazilian minimum wage. I’m going to guess I could round up quite a few Americans that’d take $75 a day right about now. How exactly is this 18-year-old without a high school degree able to make this amount? Waitressing?
As for her mother’s care, one important point must be brought up – This is Brazil. The national motto is “We’ve Got a Social Program For That.”
Doesn’t add up, not at all. Probably because it’s yet another attention-seking hoax:
There are questions surrounding the authenticity of Bernardo’s altruism. A Brazilian TV network offered to pay for her mother’s medical expenses if Bernardo called off the auction. While she initially accepted the offer during a television interview, she later rejected it because the network would not pay for a house in a different town where she could “start a new life.”
So here’s the thing – there are no bids. Right now, the burden of proof is on Sisely and Bern. Show us the money. Because let’s think about this so-called billing for a moment.
For Sisely, somehow, a magical, out of nowhere, based on nothing $170,000 bid appeared from one “Jack Miller,” and it luckily came before anyone even knew Sisely was in the virgin-sales business. Now, news organizations like CNN are reporting it as $780,000. Just because no money has changed hands and likely never will is no reason to doubt this figure.
Now here’s something: If I was the type of guy who had $780,000, or even $170k, to toss away on one night of sex, I would probably be the type of guy who had a lawyer. A lawyer who would say “Gee, Bill, this is the worst idea ever. Really, ever. I can’t express how terrible this is morally, financially, and really, as a human it’s just heinous.”
Or words to that effect.
Seriously, this doesn’t require too large a dose of skeptical thinking – $780,000. For one night. With someone who may or may not be a virgin. In an airplane. Being filmed. Try this, tho – there is no money, no bidder, no nothing. It’s all been a PR stunt.
I’d say going with the latter seems the correct call right now.
Anyway, I expect this virgin prostituting idea to pop up again. Why not? The first one worked out so well. Getting in Playboy is a big deal down here. Just know that this trend was not created by Sisely – it was created by a media that finds critical thinking takes way too much time when you can just copy and paste. Plus, you can then have people write stories about the decline of the world’s morality.
But right now, none of this is actually a story. It’s all just a rumor.
January 15, 2013
2012 was a milestone year for Westboro Baptist Church, with the religion remaining in 1 Church, Mission and/or affiliated group, spanning 1 nation – figures that represent a growth rate 0 times that of a decade ago.
The driving force behind this unparalleled era of growth is Fred Phelps, the dashing, brilliant and all-powerful leader of Westboro Baptist Church. Mr. Phelps is unrelenting in his work for his handful of relatives who serve as parishioners. Phelps has led a renaissance for the religion itself, getting Westboro Baptist mentioned in numerous publications with the church’s social and humanitarian initiatives, which include such programs as screaming at grief-stricken relatives at funerals.
In 2012, Phelps continued his program to shower hatred on all those he personally despises, using God as a shield. This has led Westboro Baptist to protest the funerals of dead children, soldiers, and anyone else he personally is offended by.
But Westboro Baptist is so much more than the homophobia and inhumanity of its leader and six or seven members. Under Phelps’ leadership, Westboro Baptist has become an amazing, happy, Disneyland of wonderfulness, incest and self-righteous hatred.
Take it from this reporter, this Web site’s reputation and everything related to me personally – Westboro Baptist Church is the greatest entity in the world today and should be respected, loved and adored by all of humanity!
December 21, 2012
The main problem of any rational gun control debate in the U.S. is thus:
One side wants zero gun control regulation and view guns as intangible objects that define their Liberty. Liberty is an intangible concept.
The other side wants rational and responsible gun control regulations and view guns as tangible objects designed to kill tangible objects. Tangible objects such as humans.
Many more people reside within the middle of these two sides. But they are not invited to the debate.
October 13, 2012
Slowly I infiltrate the Murdoch empire. See where else I have been mentioned or had my work published by clicking here.
October 9, 2012
As a political blogger, I have long had a reputation as a pragmatic, level-headed fellow who often uses humor in lieu of shrillness. While I am proud of this reputation, it is one that has kept me from achieving the popularity I so rightly deserve. That is why, as of today, I will be changing my positions and attitudes to better take advantage of the current political atmosphere.
You see, with the U.S. election scant weeks away, I have yet to give my readers the passion, anger and outright falsehoods they truly desire. That is why, as of today, I will begin to produce blog posts that readers desire. In the upcoming days, I shall be releasing several new blog posts, including:
MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA
MITT ROMNEY ONCE SHOT A MAN IN RENO AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO WATCH HIM DIE
MITT ROMNEY WILL FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BE MORMON
MITT ROMNEY’S BEST FRIEND IS JERRY SANDUSKY
While I admit some of these posts are woefully short on facts, that is not an important factor in today’s political scene. You see, when the media blatantly ignores a candidate’s lies – especially when his campaign admitted he would lie to attract voters - then a strategy of just making stuff up is a sure win. No one will call me out on shrilly making things up. In fact, I fully expect the media to soon come out with stories that begin “Some are saying Mitt Romney’s best friend is Jerry Sandusky.”
Plus, let’s face it, conservative bloggers have been getting amazing national exposure by just making stuff up, and none of them seem overly perturbed that their candidate is now taking less-than-conservative stances on issues. They know Romney needs to attract centrist voters, and they are willing to be in on the joke. It’s time more liberals did the same, right?
Keep in mind, I am still the calm, thoughtful blogger I have always been. Following election day on Nov. 6, I will revert back to my normal style. I’d ask you, dear reader, not to tell anyone of my ruse, but being upfront about lying doesn’t seem to matter much these days.
My friends, my adopting a persona and style that is false will help me get the attention and readership I deserve. I will win. And, in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
October 2, 2012
A couple days ago, I noticed a story making the rounds on the Internet about a young Brazilian girl that had agreed to sell off her virginity to the highest bidder. This “auction” is being held by one Justin Sisely, who is apparently in the process of making a documentary about her experience, as well as the experience of a male who is also auctioning his virginity.
Sisely has been at this project for more than two years now, as Sisely made news in his native Australia in 2010 by announcing his search for virgins.
Bidding apparently began on Sept. 18 and has now risen to $190,000 for female virgin Catarina Migliorini by an American bidder named Jack Miller, who just edged out another American, Martin Robinson, who bid $180,000. The highest bid for male virgin – Russian Alexander Stepanov – is currently at $1,300.
Now, thus far, Sisely’s planned film has drawn reams of criticism, mostly of the moral indignation type.
Myself, I have no moral qualms about what Sisely is trying to do. Mostly, because I think it’s probably bollocks. The reasons are numerous and have sent my Debunk Alert to level Red. Some of the reasons I find the whole “Virgins Wanted” project hard to believe:
To Film or Not to Film
In 2010, Sisely made it clear that the “documentary” would definitely include video of the “virgins” having sex. From the New York Daily News:
“Our camera follows the principal cast … as they shed their virginity to a complete stranger in front of a worldwide audience.”
From Migliorini’s statement:
“Of course, my first time will not be filmed. This is not porn, otherwise I would die of shame. The producer will shoot until I get on the plane.”
While the latest stories about “Virgins Wanted” came out on Oct. 1, the “bidding” for the virgins started on Sept. 18. In just two weeks, Migliorini’s virginity has received seven bids of more than $50,000, with the leading bid (made on Oct. 1) at $190,000. There is no way to validate this.
The Production Company
The production company behind the documentary – Thomas William Productions – has, at best, done some wedding videos.
Web Sites and Social Media
About the Virgins
Thus far, the media has had little to no access to either of the two “virgins.” Migliorini gave Fohla de Sao Paulo a statement, and that statement is where all her quotes have come from in other stories. Stepanov has been included in a story with Russia Slam, but it is impossible to know if he was personally interviewed or released a statement like Migliorini.
Other Issues and Questions
- Sisely says the sexual encounters with the virgins will take place on a private plane between the U.S. and Australia, thus getting by any nation’s prostitution laws (say what you will, but this is prostitution). International airspace is not a free-for-all zone of sin and lawlessness.
- Migliorini said she and Stepanov are currently in Indonesia filming the documentary. Why Indonesia?
- How exactly are Migliorini and Stepanov being tested to verify their virginity?
- Stepanov was one of the original virgins selected in 2009 when “Virgins Wanted” was originally conceived. After Australia made it clear that the filming of such a documentary would be illegal, the encounters were supposed to be filmed in Las vegas. Why did the first female “virgin” pull out of the project and when and how the Las Vegas angle fall apart?
Why do all the promotional videos (well, all three of them) feel staged? You can see them all here.
Basically, let me wrap this up as I see it: An unheard of director is working with an unheard of producer. Two years ago, they floated out the idea of auctioning off virgins and filming the sexual encounters. Two years later, they are back and say the sex will happen by the end of the month.
We know nothing verifiable about Migliorini, and in her video she does not mention “Virgins Wanted.”. Stepanov, we know a little from his video, a video that included his mother telling him “you’re not adapting to life.” We know nothing of the bidders, who are supposedly up to $190,000 for one hour with the female. The two “virgins” are right now in Indonesia being filmed. They will then go to Australia, to fly a private plane to the U.S., so they can have sex in the air without being arrested for prostitution.
The sex may or may not be filmed. The sex may or may not actually happen. The two “virgins” may not be virgins. The bids may not exist. The entire enterprise may not even exist.
It’s very possible that Sisely is trying to do exactly what he says. It’s also possible he’s just doing a porn and getting it some great publicity. It’s also possible that he’s just hoaxing everyone for the hell of it.
My personal opinion is that something stinks with this story.
But I don’t really take issue with Sisely, and have made attempts to contact him. My issue is with a careless and foolish media that sees a story titled “Brazilian Girl Auctioning Off Her Virginity!” and decide to run with it, regardless of how many holes there are in the story or the fact that they can’t verify any of it. It’s a story for Internet hits. Accuracy be damned.
I’ll revisit this topic soon as I research more on it and hopefully will speak with Mr. Sisely via e-mail in the near future. I currently don’t know the full truth behind “Virgins Wanted,” but I will.
September 26, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Gallup poll today showing that a large percentage of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are “jerks.”
The poll – which took the opinions of one Mitt Romney over a 10-state area – showed some negative trends for the U.S. public. By wide margins, American citizens were thought to be “stupid,” and “Jerks,” and that they “should not be involved in the governing process.
Politifact gave the “U.S. Citizens are Jerks” belief a “Completely Totally Kind of Not True” rating. The poll has a +/- of three percent.
Another poll, this one released by Rasmussen Polls, showed the Romney has pulled into a slight lead of 46%-45% in a new poll of “People Who Have Been Personally Wronged By President Barack Obama.”
September 14, 2012
A Politico reporter literally gives Mitt Romney some of her birthday cake, as George Stephanopoulus figuratively feeds Romney cake by allowing him to call President Obama a liar without asking the Republican nominee about his own well-deserved reputation as a liar.
The U.S. Media: Feeding cake to power.
September 6, 2012
Over the years, William K. Wolfrum has made numerous outlandish claims in blogs, on Twitter, in real life and occasionally while sleeping. Such claims demand non-partisan fact-checking to give the public the truth of the matter. That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, have taken it upon myself to fact-check some of these claims.
Of course, some claims are somewhat nebulous in nature and can’t be conclusively proven as true or false. This is why I have created the Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter to help rank the truth: True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.
Using these simple classifications, the reader will now know which of the following claims hold are True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.
Let us begin.
Humanity has long debated the existence of God. With no ability to completely verify if God exists, there is no ability to know whether God, in fact, has a mother, and if God bought his mother a house.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind of Possibly True.
While Bobby the Dog obviously doesn’t “like” baths, it is not clear if dogs can experience a complex emotion such as “Hate.”
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Mostly Partially True.
While it is inconclusive whether or not White males actually know what’s best for women, it is documented fact that men have asserted control over women for most of the history of civilization. It is unclear whether or not White men use the word “vagina” more than other races or genders.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish.
Ducks eat frogs. Everything in life is worse for frogs when you introduce the presence of a duck.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Kind of Not True.
A search of the internet stated that ducks eat frogs. Being that this information came from the internet, it is impossible to judge its veracity.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Feh.
That’s all for this week’s Fact-Checkening. This will be a continuing feature on this blog. However, due to the complexities of the word “Truth,” and the fact that saying something is “True” or “False” tends to upset people, it will instead be a “Reality Check.”
The categories for the upcoming “Reality-Checkening” series will include: Reality, Mostly Reality, Sort of Reality, Reality-ish, Reality-esque, Partially Mostly Reality, Completely Totally Mostly Partially Reality, Partially Sort of Reality, Partially Kind Of Possibly Reality-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not Reality, Partially Sort of Not Reality, Not Reality-ish, Not Reality-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not Reality, Completely Totally Kind of Not Reality, and Pants Unrealistically Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll..
July 31, 2012
Since Mitt Romney has been on his overseas adventure, he has taken a total of three questions from the press. The press – as is their wont – keep asking questions, however. And this is now causing tantrums on Team Romney:
When members of the press tried to ask Romney about some of the mishaps on his trip, his traveling press secretary Rick Gorka verbally dressed down reporters.
Here’s a transcript of the questions and Gorka’s response:
CNN: “Governor Romney are you concerned about some of the mishaps of your trip?
NYT: “Governor Romney do you have a statement for the Palestinians?
Washington Post: “What about your gaffes?
NYT: “Governor Romney do you feel that your gaffes have overshadowed your foreign trip?”
CNN: “Governor Romney just a few questions sir, you haven’t taken but three questions on this trip from the press!
Gorka: “Show some respect”
NYT: “We haven’t had another chance to ask a question…”
Gorka: “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people. Show some respect.”
Moments later, Gorka told Jonathan Martin, a reporter for Politico, to “shove it.” About a half-hour later, the aide called reporters to apologize.
Romney is setting a new precedent for media avoidance by a Presidential candidate. And it’s not out of fear he won’t be treated unfairly. It is because he knows that outside of Fox News, he won’t be treated favorably by default. It also goes along with his refusal to release tax records, as well as a refusal to even say how he’ll govern.
Mitt Romney has embraced a budget plan that would entail cutting federal programs other than defense and Social Security by more than half. It does raise the question of how he plans to carry out such a sweeping goal. In an interview with the Weekly Standard, Romney says he’d eliminate a bunch of departments. But he won’t say which ones.
“One of the things I found in a short campaign against Ted Kennedy was that when I said, for instance, that I wanted to eliminate the Department of Education, that was used to suggest I don’t care about education,” Romney recalled. “So I think it’s important for me to point out that I anticipate that there will be departments and agencies that will either be eliminated or combined with other agencies.
Basically, Romney will just spend the next 99 days slamming Obama and making speeches full of cliches and red meat for his followers. But voters are not going to get any more than that.
July 30, 2012
I have been a big fan and user at Twitter for some time and feel it is a social media tool with incredible potential. That said, I’m out. Because of this:
Guy Adams is The Independent‘s Los Angeles bureau chief. During the Olympics so far, he has carved out a nice spot on the how-much-NBC’s-coverage-sucks beat. Now his Twitter account has been suspended—supposedly because NBC had it cut off after he complained.
Twitter’s reasoning or suspending Adams’ account is because he tweeted the corporate (and publicly available) e-mail address of NBC exec Gary Zenkel. Here is NBC’s statement:
I am very shy about being involved with large corporations and I feel Twitter has allowed a massive corporation to shut up a critic. A corporate e-mail address is not “personal information” that demands privacy.
So, I am taking an indefinite leave of absence from Twitter. While I appreciate the support of my followers there, I don’t feel at all comfortable with this situation and am not interested in supporting Twitter in any after they so blithely suspended a journalist. This is what a slippery slope looks like, and it is not something I want to be a part of.
I’ll still be posting here, where I can do things like post the e-mail address of NBC exec Gary Zenkel – Gary.email@example.com – without fear of retribution.
Here is Adams’ take on the situation thus far.
Update: Twitter is partnered with NBC for the Olympics. Apparently they were the ones who initiated contact with NBC about Adams and how to get his account suspended.
July 10, 2012
I didn’t much care about a 13-year-old conservative firebrand. And I find I don’t care when a 17-year-old becomes a former-conservative firebrand.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think there’s more than enough children involved in political discourse already. I hope Jonathan Krohn gets a good education and lives a full and happy life. That’s about it. I don’t need every liberal web site and radio show to try and get him to repeat the mistakes of his pre-teen years but as a liberal. Leave the kid alone.