Should William K. Wolfrum look at porn all day, or be a Work Vigilante?
January 12, 2012
I’m looking for reader input on whether and when I, William K. Wolfrum, should actually do work, or whether I should just look at porn all day.
One example mentioned recently by a reader: “Mr. Wolfrum, there have already been two GOP Primaries and several GOP Debates. You have written nary a word about these events. I wish you would stop spending your days looking at porn and instead try working for a change.”
Another example from a reader: “Bill, you need to work more. Now. Stop looking at porn all day or our marriage is in real trouble.”
These messages were typical of mail from some readers who, fed up with my porn habit and evasion to work, look to me to get off my ass and actually do something. Anything.
Is that the prevailing view? And if so, how can I, William K. Wolfrum do this in a way that is objective and fair? Is it possible to be objective and fair when I actually do things, as opposed to doing nothing and being as fair as possible? The question here is a simple one: Should I look at porn all day, or be a work vigilante? This, of course, leads to other questions, such as:
- When I cut the lawn, should I set it on fire and then shoot bullets into the house, or should I be a lawnmower vigilante?
- If I have a child, should I ignore it and allow wolves to raise it, or should I be a parenting vigilante?
- Should I eat cereal dry, or should I be a milk vigilante?
- Should fireman stand by and watch houses burn while mocking the owners, or should they be firefighting vigilantes?
Please feel free to leave a comment below or send me an e-mail at public@nytimes.com with the subject line: Readers Point the Way: Wolfrum Work Vigilante. Please adhere to my comment moderation policy when posting. If I don’t get back to you, assume I am looking at porn.
–WKW
As Alec Baldwin turns
December 7, 2011
For those following the silly drama between Alec Baldwin and American Airlines, the 30 Rock actor has now quit his Twitter account, saying he would start a new one.
“Let’s play a game called Mass Unfollowing. I want to crash this acct and start again. But, tonight at 10 PM, NY time, unfollow me,” wrote Baldwin.
For those unawares, yesterday, Baldwin had been kicked off a flight by American Airlines and took to Twitter to complain. From US Magazine:
Alec Baldwin arrived safely at New York City’s JFK airport Tuesday night. Earlier in the day, the 30 Rock star was kicked off an American Airlines flight for continuing to use his iPhone while the plane was at the gate.
“The flight attendant on American reamed me out for playing Words with Friends while we sat at the gate, not moving,” Baldwin, 53, tweeted. (His account has since been deleted.) “No wonder American Air is bankrupt.”
Earlier today, American Airlines gave their version of the events on their Facebook page:
Since an extremely vocal customer has publicly identified himself as being removed from an American Airlines flight on Tuesday, Dec. 6, we have elected to provide the actual facts of the matter as well as the FAA regulations which American, and all airlines, must enforce. Cell phones and electronic devices are allowed to be used while the aircraft is at the gate and the door is open for boarding. When the door is closed for departure and the seat belt light is turned on, all cell phones and electronic devices must be turned off for taxi-out and take-off. This passenger declined to turn off his cell phone when asked to do so at the appropriate time. The passenger ultimately stood up (with the seat belt light still on for departure) and took his phone into the plane’s lavatory. He slammed the lavatory door so hard, the cockpit crew heard it and became alarmed, even with the cockpit door closed and locked. They immediately contacted the cabin crew to check on the situation. The passenger was extremely rude to the crew, calling them inappropriate names and using offensive language. Given the facts above, the passenger was removed from the flight and denied boarding.
And just a few hours ago, Baldwin – who had nearly 600,000 followers on Twitter, apparently abandoned the account. His account has now been renamed “Deactivated001.” Baldwin’s last Tweet, 13 hours ago, was video of Bernard Haitink and the Concertgebouw, performing the Mahler 9th, fourth movement. “I leave you with this …” Baldwin wrote.
Other Twitter celebrities have had their own Twitter dramas, as well. Pundit Keith Olbermann – a friend of Baldwin – has recently announced he will no longer reply to any of his followers on Twitter.
Update: Conservative SooperMexican – who has had some Twitter drama with Baldwin in the past – has more on the Baldwin story.
–WKW
Welcome home!
November 15, 2011
Enjoy more military homecomings at the Welcome Home Blog.
–WKW
Overstock.com’s “Libel Factory” Deep Capture shut down by Canadian court
October 22, 2011
It appears Canada doesn’t abide a CEO inventing crimes against one of it’s own. Vancouver’s Altaf Nazerali has won a court order to – least temporarily – shut down the deepcapture.com website.
From Stockwatch:
The order came the same day that Mr. Nazerali filed a notice of claim against the site and its operators. He claimed that deepcapture.com linked him with Mafia figures and an associate of Osama bin Laden, among others. The defendants included naked short-selling conspiracist Patrick Byrne, who is the publisher of the site. (Mr. Byrne is also the chief executive officer of Internet retailer Overstock.com Inc.) Also a defendant was Illinois resident Mark Mitchell, who the suit identified as the author of much of the material that Mr. Nazerali complained of.
According to the suit, deepcapture.com posted the defamatory material in a series of chapters. One, dated July, 2011, stated that Mr. Nazerali was an important figure at Bank of Credit and Commerce International, “the massive criminal enterprise that did business with everyone from La Cosa Nostra and the Russian Mafia to Colombian drug cartels.” His business partners, as listed in the passage, included Mufti al Abbar, “chief market manipulator for Muammar Qadaffi,” and “an impressive number of securities traders who are also narco-traffickers (such as Paul Combs, until Combs was whacked by Nazerali’s mobster friend Egor Chernov).”
Another chapter claimed that Mr. Nazerali’s associates included Yasin al Qadi, “Osama bin Laden’s favorite financier.” It also linked with other Middle Eastern figures. “Nazerali, recall, has working relationships with … members of Al Qaeda’s Golden Chain, the regime in Iran, Pakistan’s ISI, the chief of Saudi intelligence, the ruler of Dubai, the royals of Abu Dhabi, La Cosa Nostra, the Russian Mafia, and others in the Milken network.”
Look for Byrne & cronies to decry this to be an attack on his first amendment rights. The problem for Byrne – who recently got Current TV’s Young Turks to praise him for attending Occupy Wall Street – is that Canada doesn’t appear to accept that blatantly lying about people to be a right.
It will be interesting to see what happens next. I presume the website was shut by its web host, and of course there’s nothing to prevent Byrne from moving the content to Iran or wherever, all the while bleating about how his right to make stuff up about people has been infringed by dastardly Canadians. The judge is just going to love that.
Yes, this most definitely will be interesting.
–WKW
Plan 999 from the GOP Debate
October 18, 2011
“Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day.”
Plan 999 from the GOP Debate
Starring
[SMALL FUNERAL, EVERYONE COMPLETELY SILENT]
Bela Lugosi’s wife is buried off the side of the road at a funeral where a guy in a suit reads the Bible to himself. Two hobos begin to the process of burying her. “The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.”
MICHELE BACHMANN: “The good news is, the cake is baked.”
[INSIDE COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE, TWO PILOTS]
Two airline pilots, flying a cardboard box, see a UFO besides their plane. They are not shook up in the slightest.
PILOT: “That’s nothing from this world.”
[BACK TO GRAVEDIGGERS AT CEMETERY]
The gravediggers see the UFO, get spooked and leave. Day instantaneously turns to night. Then back to day. Then back to night. Vampira shows up, apparently holding an invisible barrel. The two gravediggers decide to die to play it safe.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “President Obama’s plan has been a plan for destruction of this country.”
[BELA LUGOSI'S HOME]
Bela Lugosi leaves his home, dressed as a cowboy dracula and still smarting from the death of his wife.
CRISWELL: “The sky to which she had once looked, was now only a covering for her dead body.”
[CEMETERY]
Lugosi – insanely strung out in heroin – apparently dies. He is buried in a cardboard tomb in the cemetery. We learn his wife was actually Vampira, who shows up briefly, still holding the invisible barrel. A mourner sees the dead gravediggers, screams. The cops show up. Night turns to day. Then back to night.
HERMAN CAIN: “Apples and oranges.”
The police inspector – played by Tor Johnson – shows up. He apparently got the job by body-slamming all the other candidates. He mumbles some stuff, then goes off to investigate, as he is, after all, an investigator.
[OUTSIDE THE PILOT'S HOUSE. THE PILOT AND HIS WIFE ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO]
The pilot admits to his wife that he saw a UFO. Once again, Big Government strikes, as he was told by the military not to say anything about it.
PILOT: “Then as soon as we landed, big army brass grabbed us and made us swear to secrecy about the whole thing. Oh, it burns me up. These things have been seen for years. They’re here, it’s a fact. And the public oughta know about it.”
As if to verify the pilot’s story, the UFO flies over his house.
RON PAUL: “We are no more removed from this than the man on the moon.”
[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]
The UFO flies over the graveyard, knocking everyone over but not shaking them up too much. Lugosi shows up, looking quite a bit different because he died. Literally. Investigator Tor continues investigating. He is surrounded by the replacement Lugosi and Vampira with her barrel. Tor tries to shoot them both in the groin, but it has no effect. As they slowly close in on Tor, he does the only sensible thing and dies.
[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]
Clay is buried. Vampira watches, holding only cleavage.
[RANDOM AREAS]
Three flying saucers fly over Los Angeles, including one that almost hits the NBC Studios. Newspapers are printed. Day turns to night then back to day. Saucers are then seen over Washington, D.C. The public seems to handle it all remarkably well, including one guy who decides this would be a good time to stop drinking.
CRISWELL: “There’s a time in each man’s life when he can’t even believe his own eyes.”
HERMAN CAIN: “I invite every American to do their own math.”
[SOMEWHERE IN WORLD WAR II]
The military decides to attack the flying saucers. Despite the fact the saucers are just hovering there, begging to be blown out of the sky, all the rockets miss. They disappear and we then learn about the great flying saucer cover-up by the government. Everything bad that’s happened in the nation, it seems, is a result of these shaky saucers.
MILITARY GUY: “What do they want…where are they from…where are they going?”
[INSIDE THE SPACESHIP.]
The aliens are white people, as should have been expected. Bunny Breckinridge is the leader. He’s tired as all get out of the Earthlings and decides that Plan 9 is the only solution.
BUNNY BRECKINRIDGE: “Plan 9…ah yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead. “
RICK PERRY: “They’re not interested in 999.”
[FLYING SAUCERS RETURN TO EARTH. WE RETURN TO THE PILOT'S HOUSE.]
The pilot is heading out on a flight. Despite the surreal events of the past few days, neither he or his wife seem very concerned.
PILOT’S WIFE: “Now toddle off and fly your flying machine, Darling. But if you see any more flying saucers, will you tell them to pick another house to buzz? Don’t worry about me.”
[CARDBOARD COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE]
The pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess have a nice little chat, dissing Albuquerque along the way.
MITT ROMNEY: “I suggest if you want to be the President of the United States, you need to learn how to let other people speak.”
[CEMETERY]
Lugosi shows up (the real one, not the replacement). He’s dressed as Dracula.
[INSIDE PILOT'S WIFE'S BEDROOM]
Lugosi commits a home invasion, becoming the replacement Lugosi along the way. The pilot’s wife flees to the cemetery. The original Lugosi chases her. Vampira shows up. Night turns to day. Then back to night. The replacement Lugosi continues the chase.
Tor Johnson climbs out of the ground, creating a Halloween-mask trend that continues until today. Night changes to day. Then back to night. Then back to day again. A chubby cowboy drives by and saves the pilot’s wife.
RICK SANTORUM: “The family in America and the faith in America is being crushed.”
The cops show up at the cemetery. Night changes back to day, then back to night. Lugosi (the real one) is miffed, as he really wanted to kill the pilot’s wife. Lugosi, Vampira and Tor enter the spaceship somehow.
The cops mull around the cemetery and discover that Inspector Tor left his grave.
RICK PERRY: “Herman, I love you, brother.”
[INSIDE A GENERAL'S OFFICE]
Two military men discuss the cover-up of the flying saucers.
GENERAL: “You realize there’s a government directive stating that there is no such thing as a flying saucer?”
NEWT GINGRICH: “I’m a hawk, but I’m a cheap hawk.”
The general then plays a recording of the aliens.
EROS: This is Eros, a space soldier from a planet of your galaxy. I fully realize our language differences, however I also know you finally have perfected the dictorobitary, or as you on Earth put it, the language computer. So you can now understand that which I speak. Since the beginning of your time, we have been far beyond your planet. It has taken you centuries to even grasp what we developed eons of your years ago. Do you still believe it impossible we exist? You didn’t actually think you were the only inhabited planet in the universe? How can any race be so stupid? Permit me to set your mind at ease. We do not want to conquer your planet. Only save it. We could have destroyed it long ago, if that had been our aim. Our principal purpose is friendly. I admit, we have had to take certain means which you might refer to as criminal, but that is because of your big guns which have destroyed some of our representatives. If you persist in denying us our landings, then we must only accept that you do not want us on friendly terms. We then have no alternative but to destroy you before you destroy us. With your ancient, juvenile minds, you have developed explosives too fast for your minds to conceive what you were doing. You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are part of that universe. This is our last …
The military men decide that going to San Fernando to confront the aliens is the best move, but make it clear that the cover-up must stay in place, regardless of the flying saucers now seen all over the country.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “I will build a fence across the entire border. I will enforce English as the official language of the United States.”
[INSIDE FLYING SAUCER]
The White people aliens discuss all the recent events. Tor Johnson comes in and almost kills Eros, the White Guy Alien Leader. They strategize for a while and then decide that Lugosi must be sacrificed. This apparently will stall the Earthlings while they turn create more walking dead. Then, they will send the walking dead to kill everyone. That’ll learn ‘em.
[RANDOM SHOTS OF SAUCERS, COPS, SAN FERNANDO. DAY TURNS TO NIGHT AND BACK AGAIN. FINALLY, THE COLONEL AND THE LIEUTENANT SHOW UP AT THE PILOT'S HOME]
The pilot and his wife tell the colonel about their experiences with the flying saucers (the scene shows another saucer landing in the cemetery. Apparently, world domination takes a direct route through this cemetery.) No one seems to notice that a saucer landed right next door to them.
RICK PERRY: “I think it’s time for us to have a very serious discussion about defunding the United Nations.”
The scene shifts back to the cemetery, where the replacement Lugosi comes out of the saucer, then turns into the real Lugosi. The scene shifts back to the pilot’s home. The replacement Lugosi shows up, bent on killing everyone. Luckily, the White People Aliens kill him first, leaving only a skeleton.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “The President of Iraq is a genocidal maniac.”
[BACK TO THE CEMETERY]
A cop, the lieutenant, the colonel, the pilot, and his wife get out of the car and enter the cemetery. The pilot’s wife says she doesn’t want to be left alone. The colonel and the lieutenant mock her for this.
Vampira wanders around nearby. The cop stays with the pilot’s wife as the other three walk off to search for something. They see Tor’s grave and surmise that he came out of his grave. The lieutenant isn’t buying it.
LIEUTENANT: “Look, Colonel, I’m a policeman. I’ve got to deal in facts.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “He put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.”
[BACK TO FLYING SAUCER]
The aliens decide to let the three men find them, so they can kill them and stop all their tiresome meddling. They send Tor in to kill the pilot’s wife and the cop.
[BACK TO CEMETERY]
Tor slowly stalks his prey. The three men see a strange light. Tor attacks the cop, who gets knocked out from a light slap. The pilot’s wife is safely in the car, but makes the blunder of not locking her door. Tor captures her after she succumbs to the vapors.
The three men find the spaceship and are allowed to enter. A female White Person Space Alien asks if they have to kill the three men.
EROS: “Well wouldn’t it be better to kill a few now than, with their meddling, permit them to destroy the entire universe?”
The three men enter the spaceship and learn that Eros is a pompous jerk who talks in circles. Eros repeatedly tells them how stupid they are, but points out that the human race is closing in on discovering solaronite.
NEWT GINGRICH: “How can you have judgement if you don’t have faith.”
Solaronite is the ultimate of green technology. It will let humans harness the power of the sun which will then somehow destroy the universe. Things get real sciencey, up until we learn that the people of Eros’ planet are misogynists just like us. Then they all fight.
[BACK TO CEMETERY]
Another cop shows up and finds the other cop who is recovering from his Tor chop. They see Tor and, after realizing that bullets won’t stop him, decide to hit him with a stick. This works. Tor is out cold.
[BACK TO SPACESHIP]
A wild melee ensues and we learn that Eros can’t fight a lick. The ship catches on fire and the three men escape. Budget cutbacks mean that the spaceship has no way of putting out a fire, and the ship flies away aflame, and then explodes. The threat is over.
“My friends, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen? Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space. Many scientists believe that another world is watching us this moment. We once laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric light, vitamins, radio, and even television! And now some of us laugh at outer space. God help us… in the future. “
RICK PERRY: “You get to ask the questions, I get to answer them the way I want to.”
The End
With thanks and admiration to the great Ed Wood.
–WKW
Now white people need to start buying more Hank Williams Jr. albums
October 4, 2011
Because the dude probably just lost his African-American audience.
–WKW
The infamous Sam Antar joins Occupy Wall Street
September 28, 2011
On his way to visit his son who works nearby, former Crazy Eddie’s fraudster Sam Antar stopped by and visited the protesters at Occupy Wall Street.
“It was a refreshing experience to see peaceful protests and people exercising their freedom of speech. The cops were OK with it, too,” said Antar.
–WKW
Boycott Michael Moore (or, don’t punish Georgians)
September 23, 2011
Political activist and filmmaker Michael Moore is calling for a boycott of Georgia following the execution of Troy Davis:
“I encourage everyone I know to never travel to Georgia, never buy anything made in Georgia, to never do business in Georgia. I will ask my publisher to pull my book from every Georgia bookstore. And if they won’t do that, I will donate every dime of every royalty my book makes in Georgia to help defeat the racists and killers who run that state. I ask all Americans with a conscience to shun anything and everything to do with the murderous state of Georgia.”
This logic should apply to himself, as well. You see, Moore’s publisher is Grand Central Publishing, which is under the umbrella of Hachette Book Groups, which is owned by Lagardère Group, which owns a 7.5% share of stock in EADS:
The European Aeronautic Defence and Space Company N.V. (EADS) is a global pan-European aerospace and defence corporation and a leading defence and military contractor worldwide.
The military industrial complex slaughters untold numbers of innocents. Thus, it is only logical that liberals should and must boycott Michael Moore. Or, we can just not punish the people of Georgia for the actions of their judicial system and find another way to protest their execution of Davis.
–WKW
Reason No. 1 why you shouldn’t have Ghostwriters for Twitter
September 22, 2011
Trust me on this, do your own Tweeting. Mark Davidson has learned this lesson the hard way.
–WKW
The “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” Technique
September 21, 2011
Often, young journalists come to me asking what type of story they can write about President Barack Obama. Almost without fail, I tell them to use the “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” technique. With this, all one needs to do is find a suitable noun, make it Obama’s problem, and then fit the story around it.
Some examples:
- President Obama’s White Problem
- Obama’s Black Problem
- Obama’s Latino Problem
- Obama’s Women Problem
- Obama’s Jewish Problem
- Obama’s Catholic Problem
- Obama’s Military Problem
- Obama’s Anti-Military Problem
- Obama’s Democrat Problem
- Obama’s Republican Problem
- Obama’s Independent Problem
These are just a few examples, but there are many more out there. Remember, there are A LOT of nouns out there. So think outside the box with subjects like:
- Obama’s Wolverine Problem
- Obama’s Fly* Problem
- Obama’s Smurf Problem
- Obama’s Mac & Cheese Problem
- Obama’s Nickleback Problem
- Obama’s Bridge Troll Problem
- Obama’s Adorable Puppy Problem
Come up with your own, the noun can be virtually anything, as you will most certainly find some poll somewhere that you can get to agree with the storyline. The “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” Technique – It’s not only fun, but it will also help you to solve the dreaded “Journalist Deadline Problem.”
*Pants, Movie or insect.
–WKW
Too big to fail
September 13, 2011
A great chart from Mother Jones showing how the banking system has become dominated by the select few:
See the story and Mother Jones’ report on the financial crisis here.
–WKW
Speaking of jobs
September 1, 2011
Job Creators giving speeches about job creation and Job Creators debating job creation never actually creates jobs.
–WKW
Nothing to see here
September 1, 2011
Pay no attention to Rick Perry hoovering this corndog. It’s not like he’s a female candidate for President or anything.
–WKW
Obama Must Learn From Bush: Don’t read, just lie about reading
August 23, 2011
President Obama reads. Yeah, you heard me, he reads. And Conservatives aren’t having any of it. From Tevi Troy at the National Review:
Beyond the issue of fiction vs. nonfiction, there is also the question of genre. The Bayou Trilogy has received excellent reviews, but it is a mystery series. While there is nothing wrong with that per se, not every presidential reading selection is worth revealing to the public. Bill Clinton, for example, used to love mysteries, but he did not advertise the titles of what he once called “my little cheap thrills outlet.” Room is another well-received novel, but it is about a mother and child trapped in an 11-by-11-foot room. This claustrophobic adventure does not strike me as the right choice for someone trying to escape the perception that he is trapped in a White House bubble.
Ah, how I long for the good old days, when a President reading was deemed such a good thing, outlandish lies would be told about the vast amount of books he read:
With only five days left, my lead is insurmountable. The competition can’t catch up. And for the third year in a row, I’ll triumph. In second place will be the president of the United States. Our contest is not about sports or politics. It’s about books. …
At year’s end, I defeated the president, 110 books to 95. My trophy looks suspiciously like those given out at junior bowling finals. The president lamely insisted he’d lost because he’d been busy as Leader of the Free World.
Mr. Bush’s 2006 reading list shows his literary tastes. The nonfiction ran from biographies of Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Carnegie, Mark Twain, Babe Ruth, King Leopold, William Jennings Bryan, Huey Long, LBJ and Genghis Khan to Andrew Roberts’s “A History of the English Speaking Peoples Since 1900,” James L. Swanson’s “Manhunt,” and Nathaniel Philbrick’s “Mayflower.” Besides eight Travis McGee novels by John D. MacDonald, Mr. Bush tackled Michael Crichton’s “Next,” Vince Flynn’s “Executive Power,” Stephen Hunter’s “Point of Impact,” and Albert Camus’s “The Stranger,” among others.
It’s time Obama learned a lesson from George W. Bush – Don’t read, just lie about reading.
–WKW
Look at Donald Trump!!
August 9, 2011
Donald Trump wants to be looked at again. Please take some time out of your day to look at him.
–WKW
