Congress to pass new bill reclassifying “Ignorance” as “Strength”
November 18, 2011
WASHINGTON – A bill sponsored by Minnesota Representative and Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann will officially reclassify “Ignorance” as “Strength.”
“Last year, a man dressed up in a Batman suit came up to me and told me vaccines cause spontaneous horn growth,” said Bachmann, who has never before gotten a bill passed through the House of Representatives. “Some have called this man ignorant, but I believe him. Because ignorance is strength in the United States of America with its Patriots and its babies and its Jesus. And now, it is time we codify that.”
Called the “Ignorance is Not an Excuse It’s a Lifestyle Choice for America With Its Patriots and Its Babies and Its Jesus Act,” the new bill proposes to reclassify all ignorant people as strong people. The reclassification is intended to get more people who aren’t aware of things to be put in positions of power within the government without fear of being labeled ignorant.
“A duck wearing a scarf came up to me after a speech I gave in Dubuque, Ohio, and told me that the dumbest thing he ever heard was the strongest thing he ever heard,” said Bachmann, who said she would also try to pass legislation reclassifying the words “War” and “Freedom” prior to the 2012 elections. “That proves to me that ignorance is not only bliss, it’s strength.”
The bill is likely to sail through both the House and the Senate, as all Republicans are on board with it, as well as many Blue-Dog Democrats who neither want to be called anti-ignorant or weak. Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska said the bill was right for the country in a time when jobs needed to be created and morale needed improving.
“Fuck Obama,” said Nelson, who then punched an elderly woman in the neck.
Bachmann said the new bill should help many Conservatives feel good about themselves in a time when their ignorance is being pointed out on a daily basis.
“Listen, a drunken pirate vampire small business owner – who was 14-feet tall if he was an inch – came up to me at church and told me he’d hire more people if they all weren’t so ignorant,” said Bachmann, who declared herself the “strongest woman” in the history of Congress. “So this bill isn’t for people like myself and Herman Cain. It’s for 14-foot-tall drunk pirate vampire business people. You know, real Americans.”
–WKW
Mitt Romney vs. Rick Perry: And the winner is …
October 26, 2011
With the two biggest draws in the GOP race for the party’s nomination spending their time knocking each other out, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich are the clear beneficiaries. But really, we’re all winners here.
–WKW
Marco Rubio’s startling admission
October 25, 2011
Sources tell this blog that U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida will soon hold a press conference and admit that his name is, in fact, Mark Rubin, and that his parents escaped Fresno in 1982.
–WKW
Plan 999 from the GOP Debate
October 18, 2011
“Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day.”
Plan 999 from the GOP Debate
Starring
[SMALL FUNERAL, EVERYONE COMPLETELY SILENT]
Bela Lugosi’s wife is buried off the side of the road at a funeral where a guy in a suit reads the Bible to himself. Two hobos begin to the process of burying her. “The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.”
MICHELE BACHMANN: “The good news is, the cake is baked.”
[INSIDE COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE, TWO PILOTS]
Two airline pilots, flying a cardboard box, see a UFO besides their plane. They are not shook up in the slightest.
PILOT: “That’s nothing from this world.”
[BACK TO GRAVEDIGGERS AT CEMETERY]
The gravediggers see the UFO, get spooked and leave. Day instantaneously turns to night. Then back to day. Then back to night. Vampira shows up, apparently holding an invisible barrel. The two gravediggers decide to die to play it safe.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “President Obama’s plan has been a plan for destruction of this country.”
[BELA LUGOSI'S HOME]
Bela Lugosi leaves his home, dressed as a cowboy dracula and still smarting from the death of his wife.
CRISWELL: “The sky to which she had once looked, was now only a covering for her dead body.”
[CEMETERY]
Lugosi – insanely strung out in heroin – apparently dies. He is buried in a cardboard tomb in the cemetery. We learn his wife was actually Vampira, who shows up briefly, still holding the invisible barrel. A mourner sees the dead gravediggers, screams. The cops show up. Night turns to day. Then back to night.
HERMAN CAIN: “Apples and oranges.”
The police inspector – played by Tor Johnson – shows up. He apparently got the job by body-slamming all the other candidates. He mumbles some stuff, then goes off to investigate, as he is, after all, an investigator.
[OUTSIDE THE PILOT'S HOUSE. THE PILOT AND HIS WIFE ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO]
The pilot admits to his wife that he saw a UFO. Once again, Big Government strikes, as he was told by the military not to say anything about it.
PILOT: “Then as soon as we landed, big army brass grabbed us and made us swear to secrecy about the whole thing. Oh, it burns me up. These things have been seen for years. They’re here, it’s a fact. And the public oughta know about it.”
As if to verify the pilot’s story, the UFO flies over his house.
RON PAUL: “We are no more removed from this than the man on the moon.”
[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]
The UFO flies over the graveyard, knocking everyone over but not shaking them up too much. Lugosi shows up, looking quite a bit different because he died. Literally. Investigator Tor continues investigating. He is surrounded by the replacement Lugosi and Vampira with her barrel. Tor tries to shoot them both in the groin, but it has no effect. As they slowly close in on Tor, he does the only sensible thing and dies.
[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]
Clay is buried. Vampira watches, holding only cleavage.
[RANDOM AREAS]
Three flying saucers fly over Los Angeles, including one that almost hits the NBC Studios. Newspapers are printed. Day turns to night then back to day. Saucers are then seen over Washington, D.C. The public seems to handle it all remarkably well, including one guy who decides this would be a good time to stop drinking.
CRISWELL: “There’s a time in each man’s life when he can’t even believe his own eyes.”
HERMAN CAIN: “I invite every American to do their own math.”
[SOMEWHERE IN WORLD WAR II]
The military decides to attack the flying saucers. Despite the fact the saucers are just hovering there, begging to be blown out of the sky, all the rockets miss. They disappear and we then learn about the great flying saucer cover-up by the government. Everything bad that’s happened in the nation, it seems, is a result of these shaky saucers.
MILITARY GUY: “What do they want…where are they from…where are they going?”
[INSIDE THE SPACESHIP.]
The aliens are white people, as should have been expected. Bunny Breckinridge is the leader. He’s tired as all get out of the Earthlings and decides that Plan 9 is the only solution.
BUNNY BRECKINRIDGE: “Plan 9…ah yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead. “
RICK PERRY: “They’re not interested in 999.”
[FLYING SAUCERS RETURN TO EARTH. WE RETURN TO THE PILOT'S HOUSE.]
The pilot is heading out on a flight. Despite the surreal events of the past few days, neither he or his wife seem very concerned.
PILOT’S WIFE: “Now toddle off and fly your flying machine, Darling. But if you see any more flying saucers, will you tell them to pick another house to buzz? Don’t worry about me.”
[CARDBOARD COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE]
The pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess have a nice little chat, dissing Albuquerque along the way.
MITT ROMNEY: “I suggest if you want to be the President of the United States, you need to learn how to let other people speak.”
[CEMETERY]
Lugosi shows up (the real one, not the replacement). He’s dressed as Dracula.
[INSIDE PILOT'S WIFE'S BEDROOM]
Lugosi commits a home invasion, becoming the replacement Lugosi along the way. The pilot’s wife flees to the cemetery. The original Lugosi chases her. Vampira shows up. Night turns to day. Then back to night. The replacement Lugosi continues the chase.
Tor Johnson climbs out of the ground, creating a Halloween-mask trend that continues until today. Night changes to day. Then back to night. Then back to day again. A chubby cowboy drives by and saves the pilot’s wife.
RICK SANTORUM: “The family in America and the faith in America is being crushed.”
The cops show up at the cemetery. Night changes back to day, then back to night. Lugosi (the real one) is miffed, as he really wanted to kill the pilot’s wife. Lugosi, Vampira and Tor enter the spaceship somehow.
The cops mull around the cemetery and discover that Inspector Tor left his grave.
RICK PERRY: “Herman, I love you, brother.”
[INSIDE A GENERAL'S OFFICE]
Two military men discuss the cover-up of the flying saucers.
GENERAL: “You realize there’s a government directive stating that there is no such thing as a flying saucer?”
NEWT GINGRICH: “I’m a hawk, but I’m a cheap hawk.”
The general then plays a recording of the aliens.
EROS: This is Eros, a space soldier from a planet of your galaxy. I fully realize our language differences, however I also know you finally have perfected the dictorobitary, or as you on Earth put it, the language computer. So you can now understand that which I speak. Since the beginning of your time, we have been far beyond your planet. It has taken you centuries to even grasp what we developed eons of your years ago. Do you still believe it impossible we exist? You didn’t actually think you were the only inhabited planet in the universe? How can any race be so stupid? Permit me to set your mind at ease. We do not want to conquer your planet. Only save it. We could have destroyed it long ago, if that had been our aim. Our principal purpose is friendly. I admit, we have had to take certain means which you might refer to as criminal, but that is because of your big guns which have destroyed some of our representatives. If you persist in denying us our landings, then we must only accept that you do not want us on friendly terms. We then have no alternative but to destroy you before you destroy us. With your ancient, juvenile minds, you have developed explosives too fast for your minds to conceive what you were doing. You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are part of that universe. This is our last …
The military men decide that going to San Fernando to confront the aliens is the best move, but make it clear that the cover-up must stay in place, regardless of the flying saucers now seen all over the country.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “I will build a fence across the entire border. I will enforce English as the official language of the United States.”
[INSIDE FLYING SAUCER]
The White people aliens discuss all the recent events. Tor Johnson comes in and almost kills Eros, the White Guy Alien Leader. They strategize for a while and then decide that Lugosi must be sacrificed. This apparently will stall the Earthlings while they turn create more walking dead. Then, they will send the walking dead to kill everyone. That’ll learn ‘em.
[RANDOM SHOTS OF SAUCERS, COPS, SAN FERNANDO. DAY TURNS TO NIGHT AND BACK AGAIN. FINALLY, THE COLONEL AND THE LIEUTENANT SHOW UP AT THE PILOT'S HOME]
The pilot and his wife tell the colonel about their experiences with the flying saucers (the scene shows another saucer landing in the cemetery. Apparently, world domination takes a direct route through this cemetery.) No one seems to notice that a saucer landed right next door to them.
RICK PERRY: “I think it’s time for us to have a very serious discussion about defunding the United Nations.”
The scene shifts back to the cemetery, where the replacement Lugosi comes out of the saucer, then turns into the real Lugosi. The scene shifts back to the pilot’s home. The replacement Lugosi shows up, bent on killing everyone. Luckily, the White People Aliens kill him first, leaving only a skeleton.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “The President of Iraq is a genocidal maniac.”
[BACK TO THE CEMETERY]
A cop, the lieutenant, the colonel, the pilot, and his wife get out of the car and enter the cemetery. The pilot’s wife says she doesn’t want to be left alone. The colonel and the lieutenant mock her for this.
Vampira wanders around nearby. The cop stays with the pilot’s wife as the other three walk off to search for something. They see Tor’s grave and surmise that he came out of his grave. The lieutenant isn’t buying it.
LIEUTENANT: “Look, Colonel, I’m a policeman. I’ve got to deal in facts.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “He put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.”
[BACK TO FLYING SAUCER]
The aliens decide to let the three men find them, so they can kill them and stop all their tiresome meddling. They send Tor in to kill the pilot’s wife and the cop.
[BACK TO CEMETERY]
Tor slowly stalks his prey. The three men see a strange light. Tor attacks the cop, who gets knocked out from a light slap. The pilot’s wife is safely in the car, but makes the blunder of not locking her door. Tor captures her after she succumbs to the vapors.
The three men find the spaceship and are allowed to enter. A female White Person Space Alien asks if they have to kill the three men.
EROS: “Well wouldn’t it be better to kill a few now than, with their meddling, permit them to destroy the entire universe?”
The three men enter the spaceship and learn that Eros is a pompous jerk who talks in circles. Eros repeatedly tells them how stupid they are, but points out that the human race is closing in on discovering solaronite.
NEWT GINGRICH: “How can you have judgement if you don’t have faith.”
Solaronite is the ultimate of green technology. It will let humans harness the power of the sun which will then somehow destroy the universe. Things get real sciencey, up until we learn that the people of Eros’ planet are misogynists just like us. Then they all fight.
[BACK TO CEMETERY]
Another cop shows up and finds the other cop who is recovering from his Tor chop. They see Tor and, after realizing that bullets won’t stop him, decide to hit him with a stick. This works. Tor is out cold.
[BACK TO SPACESHIP]
A wild melee ensues and we learn that Eros can’t fight a lick. The ship catches on fire and the three men escape. Budget cutbacks mean that the spaceship has no way of putting out a fire, and the ship flies away aflame, and then explodes. The threat is over.
“My friends, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen? Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space. Many scientists believe that another world is watching us this moment. We once laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric light, vitamins, radio, and even television! And now some of us laugh at outer space. God help us… in the future. “
RICK PERRY: “You get to ask the questions, I get to answer them the way I want to.”
The End
With thanks and admiration to the great Ed Wood.
–WKW
Netflix now to offer only Beta-Max movies
October 10, 2011
After getting hammered for a recent plan to break the company in two parts – one for DVDs, one for streaming video – Netflix has now decided to go back to the way it was, plus the healthy fee increase. Also, they announced they will only rent Beta-Max movies, because they are a business and businesses do things, so look, they did something else.
–WKW
The “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” Technique
September 21, 2011
Often, young journalists come to me asking what type of story they can write about President Barack Obama. Almost without fail, I tell them to use the “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” technique. With this, all one needs to do is find a suitable noun, make it Obama’s problem, and then fit the story around it.
Some examples:
- President Obama’s White Problem
- Obama’s Black Problem
- Obama’s Latino Problem
- Obama’s Women Problem
- Obama’s Jewish Problem
- Obama’s Catholic Problem
- Obama’s Military Problem
- Obama’s Anti-Military Problem
- Obama’s Democrat Problem
- Obama’s Republican Problem
- Obama’s Independent Problem
These are just a few examples, but there are many more out there. Remember, there are A LOT of nouns out there. So think outside the box with subjects like:
- Obama’s Wolverine Problem
- Obama’s Fly* Problem
- Obama’s Smurf Problem
- Obama’s Mac & Cheese Problem
- Obama’s Nickleback Problem
- Obama’s Bridge Troll Problem
- Obama’s Adorable Puppy Problem
Come up with your own, the noun can be virtually anything, as you will most certainly find some poll somewhere that you can get to agree with the storyline. The “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” Technique – It’s not only fun, but it will also help you to solve the dreaded “Journalist Deadline Problem.”
*Pants, Movie or insect.
–WKW
John Boehner speaks on Republican plans to fix the U.S. Economy
September 2, 2011
In a radio interview today in Washington, D.C., Speaker of the House John Boehner spoke of Republican plans to fix the U.S. economy. Some excerpts:
“We are not weak women. We are not slaves. We can not give up. We cannot surrender,” Boehner said in the message broadcast on the Rush Limbaugh radio show.
“Let this be a long fight and let America be engulfed in flames. If America goes up in flames, who will be able to govern it? Let it burn.”
“There must be huge sacrifices for the sake of freedom. The Liberals will come to an end and the Democratic Party will collapse … and the traitors’ loyalty to Obama will collapse.”
Boehner went on: “Democrats cannot rule America as long as we are armed. We are still armed. We will fight in every valley, in every street, in every oasis and every town. We’ll be awarded victory ultimately. We can never surrender.”
Boehner’s whereabouts are currently unknown, though sources say he is probably just playing golf somewhere.
–WKW
Rick PArry for IowA
August 11, 2011
The first TV ad from Stephen Colbart’s SuperPac. Vote Rick Parry.
–WKW
The Zombie Apocalypse is Everyone’s Fault
August 9, 2011
My friends, since those French scientists botched their experiments on a new immortality drug and spread the Zombie virus throughout humanity, things have been kind of crazy. Rarely does a day go by where we are not fleeing the mindless, brain-eating undead. It’s a hassle.
But the fact that many of our loved ones have either become zombies or have been eaten by zombies shouldn’t hamper our intellectual abilities. This is a time when clarity of thought is as important as a nearby Louisville Slugger.
Make no mistake about it, humanity is in chaos, and more than likely will be exterminated soon. But let us avoid the knee-jerk, human-partisan opinions. This is not solely the fault of the zombies. Let’s face it, everyone is to blame.
The zombies are just doing what zombies do. They lurch forward slowly in packs and try to grab regular humans so they can eat their brains. To punish for them acting as God intended is cowardly and simple-minded. Because lest we forget, about half the world’s population spends its days hunting and killing zombies. Where is the outrage over that?
Don’t get me wrong. This is not a pro-zombie rant like the one Jennifer Rubin wrote recently for the Washington Post (“Zombies Want Lower Taxes and a Big Military. They can’t be THAT bad”). Instead, this is a call for common sense. You see, the people actively killing zombies are only adding to the mayhem, lawlessness and job-killing fanaticism that have swept our land.
The people who have fled to the countryside are as much to blame as the zombies, as well. What, things get tough and you run away? This cowardice adds to the flames of the Zombie Apocalypse. In the end, those who fled are as guilty as the zombies, who will get them eventually anyway.
America has stood up to big challenges before. Will we succeed in this effort? Most definitely not. The zombies are relentless and there’s always more of them coming. We’re pretty much doomed as a species. But this does not mean it’s time to point fingers.
So just remember, when a zombie finally gets hold of you and rips you apart, this is not just the fault of the zombie. The Zombie Apocalypse is the fault of everyone, you included.
–WKW
Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists steal girl’s bike! (Updated)
July 26, 2011
This frightening news has just been reported by CNN. A 7-year-old girl has had her bike stolen in Des Moines, Iowa. The bike – a Huffy Disney Princess – has not been seen for more than three hours. The girl – Andie Fitzgerald is apparently heartbroken.
“She’s crying and crying,” said her mother, Tami Fitzgerald. “She really loved that bike.”
First off, let me make it clear that there is no evidence of who actually stole the bike, and it would be irresponsible to introduce conjecture into the mix. But let’s be honest here – this was obviously the work of Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists. As Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist Expert Pamela Gellar once said:
“Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists would go so far as stealing a little girl’s bike. That’s how evil they are.”
From my experience and studies on Muslim Islamofascist Jihadism, I have come to know how these evil doers think. Obviously, when they stole the bike their intention was complete enslavement of America and forced Sharia Law. It is but a few short steps from getting their hands on a bike to detonating nuclear weapons in all major U.S. cities.
So what do we do now that Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists have begun their plan that will inevitabvly lead to the death of millions of Americans just like you? Well, due to the Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist-loving liberals in the U.S., there’s little we can do. We will all either soon be dead or be slaves to Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists. This much is obvious.
Pray for us. The end is here.
Update 1: The Washington Post’s Jennifer Rubin has reported that a previously unknown Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist group known as “The Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist Death to America and Bike Stealing Freedom Fighters of Death” has taken credit for stealing the bike. It’s over folks. Obama has led us to destruction.
Update 2: The liberal media is reporting that there is no such group as “The Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist Death to America and Bike Stealing Freedom Fighters of Death.” They are lying. This is happening.
Update 3: The girl reportedly has found her bike, which was under some clothes in the garage. This sounds like a cover-up.
Update 4: Ok, the girl’s family has announced that the bike was found and have released a photo.
Update 5: I’m already taking some undeserved criticism from liberals. The simple fact is, Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists would have stolen Andie Fitzgerald’s bike if they could have and most definitely will in the future. Possibly later today. This future theft will usher in an era of terrorism, nuclear blasts and Sharia Law. So none of my reporting on this was actually wrong, per se. It will just be correct later. My point remains.
–WKW
Small dog tells Louie Gohmert to run for President
July 20, 2011
WASHINGTON – Republican U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert (Texas) has announced he is considering a run for President of the United States of America after a small dog told him he should.
“He seemed quite serious,” said Gohmert. “I’d be crazy not to listen.”
Gohmert, now in his second term in the House, has had a colorful career in Congress, having raised the possibility of an attack of terror babies – babies born to illegal immigrants who are then trained to become anti-American jihadists. Gohmert has also said that U.S. involvement in Libya is an excuse for President Barack Obama to unleash a private army, as well as accusing Obama of being a Jihadist himself.
Sources close to Gohmert say they believe the small dog is behind his most outlandish statements.
“It’s really the only thing that makes sense,” said the source. “I mean, ‘terror babies?’ That’s something only a small dog could come up with.”
The mixed Shih Tzu – named “Pookie” – had no comment to the reports.
–WKW
Michele and Marcus Bachmann make their Gay Marriage profitable
July 11, 2011
I generally avoid making claims that people are Gay or Lesbian, as I don’t like to give off the impression that being Gay or Lesbian is in anyway a bad thing. But when it comes to anti-Gay, Right-Wing public figures, that’s off the table. Which is why I can say my opinion on this loud and clear:
Marcus Bachmann – husband of Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann – is Gayer than a Glitter of Liberaces.
My opinion is based on these factors:
1) Everyone involved in an Ex-Gay Ministry is Gay or Lesbian.
2) Everyone who screams too loudly about Gays & Lesbians destroying the World is Gay or Lesbian
3) No one ever becomes “an Ex-Gay” or an “Ex-Lesbian.”
4) Profit!
As for Marcus Bachmann’s involvement with tax-payer-funded Ex-Gay ministries, the Minnesota Independent has the down low:
Two witnesses said over the weekend that a counseling clinic founded by Michele and Marcus Bachmann performs a controversial “ex-gay” therapy. A former client of Bachmann’s clinic told The Nation that he was counseled to become straight when he was in high school. And the group Truth Wins Out sent a staffer undercover and was treated for his homosexuality. Bachmann’s clinic has taken in thousands in state and federal money despite its overt Christian conservative message.
Now, if you were going to a clinic that helped you quit alcohol or drugs, wouldn’t you want to go to an “Ex-Gay Clinic” led by someone who understands the plight? Or is it better just to have a straight guy scream at you to stop being the Gay?
To me, the conclusion is obvious: Marcus Bachmann is Gayer than a Pride of Neil Patrick Harrises. But at least Bachmann hates himself for it.
Which leads us to his wife. She had this to say while trying to pass an insipid and meaningless anti-Gay Marriage constitutional amendment in Minnesota:
“This is a very serious matter, because it is our children who are the prize for this community, they are specifically targeting our children,” she told Christian radio station KKMS 980-AM in March of that year. “This is an earthquake issue. This will change our state forever. Because the immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.”
Michele Bachman’s connections to an Ex-Gay Ministry, plus her hatred of Gays and Lesbians mean only one thing, in my opinion: She’s as Lesbian as a Chattering of Ellen Degenereses.
So yes, it is my opinion that Michele and Marcus Bachman are in a Gay Marriage with each other. Just like God intended.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering about No. 4, the “Profit!!” portion of the equation:
Bachmann’s clinic, which is steeped in conservative Christianity, has received hundreds of thousands of dollars in state and federal funding over the last several years. The clinic has taken $137,000 in Medicaid funds and another $30,000 in state funds.
So, will it hurt Michele Bachman that she and her husband are self-hating about their sexuality? Probably not. After all, they’re making money off of it. And that’s what really matters.
–WKW
Vote Chuck Cunningham for President!
July 6, 2011
My friends, for 35 years we have searched for Richie Cunningham's older brother, Chuck.
The much-loved character disappeared from "Happy Days" and our lives in 1976. But now, he is back and going by the name Thaddeus McCotter. And he's running for President.
Welcome back, Chuck. Good luck with your hopeless and stupid chase for the Presidency.
--WKW
Shia LaBeouf – I tapped that
June 29, 2011
When I saw that Shia LeBeouf told the media that he had “hooked up” with Megan Fox, I was not surprised. After all, I have hooked up with him, as well
Yes, friends, I, noted comma user, William K. Wolfrum, have hooked up with Shia LeBeouf.
The first time was on the set of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We both figured we’d never work again, so what the hell?
The next time I hooked up with Shia Lebeouf was on a cruise ship. We were with different people, but everyone on the cruise tries to get you to like everyone and you want to like everyone and they want to like you and, well, you know.
There was the time we just passed each other on the street when I wanted to congratulate him on his new career as a stock broker. (Interoil is down $15 since you were pumping it, btw, Shia Lebeouf.)
Or when we worked as stock boys at a TJ Maxx. Hey, management encouraged us to get along.
There were other times, as well, but really who can remember all the hooking up one does. I’m sure Shia Lebeouf (he demands people always call him by his full name. It’s a little off-putting.) won’t mind me mentioning it. Maybe I should wake him up and ask him?
Anyway, let me just finish with this:
Shia LeBeouf – I tapped that.
–WKW
For God’s Sake, Sarah! Tell us what you’re doing!!
June 3, 2011
Speaking as a some-time member of the corporate media, let me just say that Sarah Palin’s recent Bus Tour has been driving me nuts. Not only won’t Palin tell the Media what the main purpose of the tour is, aside from the hazy patriotic gibberish, but she hardly gives the “Lamestream Media” the time of day!
Now, I understand that Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska half-way through and that it’s highly unlikely she’ll ever hold a political office again. But what is the bus tour about!?
Also, I know she effectively tanked the floundering John McCain Presidential candidate when millions of Americans reacted to her with a shudder. But why is she touring the nation?!
Really, everyone, I get it. Sarah Palin sits around and demagogues all day. She has no real plan on anything. She still doesn’t seem to understand domestic policy, foreign policy or reading. The nation has utterly soured on her and she has no place in political discourse.
But she’s on a bus! And not talking to us! What is happening?!
I mean, all I want is to get a picture taken with her and get her autograph. C’mon, Sarah, lighten up!
–WKW
