December 20, 2013
DES MOINES — “Gay people are made of orange peels and frog legs,” shouted William K. Wolfrum.
“Black people poop pumpkin pie!” Wolfrum added.
Wolfrum, who is unemployed, said he was practicing his First Amendment rights to say anything he likes.
“Mexicans have four nipples,” bleated Wolfrum.
Wolfrum, who said he doesn’t care about his social media reputation, said he felt free to say whatever he wished because the government would not charge him with a crime or detain him in anyway.
“I’m free,” said Wolfrum, 46. “Icelanders drink squirrel milk!!”
Wolfrum, however, admits that he understands his radical viewpoints mean that he will struggle to find future employment.
“Oh, yeah, I’m screwed,” said Wolfrum. “Maybe I can see if Obama will step in and force someone to hire me. If not, I don’t see anyone hiring me. Or even talking to me much.”
Wolfrum, however, said what really mattered was his freedom to say important things that truly mattered and drove social change.
“All Irish people have butterscotch in their hair,” blathered Wolfrum.
August 30, 2013
DAMASCUS, Syria — Speaking in front of his soon-to-be destroyed home, soon-to-be-killed-by-an-errant-missile Mustafa Zuabi, 9, said he thinks U.S. President Barack Obama will be justified in his soon-to-come-attacks on Syria.
“Obama put himself in a pickle,” said Zuabi, whose body will not be found. “He drew a line in the sand against Assad. He has to act.”
While the UK has seen its government thwart military action in Syria, sources say Obama is steadfast in carrying out the attack. This comes despite a U.S. public that as grown skeptical of military usage, as well as evidence and intelligence that have yet to be confirmed about whether Syrian President Assad carried out the chemical attacks on his own people.
Despite this, Zuabi said Obama will be correct when he carries out a small scale attack that will kill a “small number of Syrian citizens,” including Zuabi.
“With the budget clashes upcoming, Obama can’t afford to appear weak on the international stage,” said Zuabi. “This could have serious implications in the 2014 and 2016 elections.
“Face it, the GOP will attack Obama, regardless,” added the soon-to-vaporized Zuabi. “But weakness is not something a Democratic president can portray. Ask Jimmy Carter.Obama has to blow something up, regardless of what anyone says. Otherwise e loses political capital.”
August 29, 2013
Friends, his blog has come under fire recently for being, among other things, “Insipid,” “Sophomoric,” and “Largely unattended.” These allegations wound me, and I feel it is time for a response.
That response is this – MLK would have loved this blog.”How do I know this? Well, check out this quote from MLK, which I found in 10 seconds via Google:
“We will never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality.”
I think that about says it all right there, and anyone who debates me on this point not only is going against MLK, they are also saying they condone police brutality on African-Americans. So just shut up already.
My amigos, these are rough times we live in. But my blog is awesome because it has the backing of MLK. Whoever that is.
July 4, 2013
My friends, those of you know me are aware that I’m liberal. And yet you still like me. (Haha. See, liberals can have a sense of humor!).
Anyway, I feel it is now time that I define my political leanings even more fully. I am a liberal, you see, but so much more. I am THE liberal. Yes, I have seen you wishy-washy types and I have judged you as lacking. Sure, you all dance around liberal issues, but I BELIEVE them. for instance, I believe:
- The recent NSA allegations is a reason to overthrow the government.
- Edward Snowden is more god than man. See also Manning, Bradley.
- The racist war on drugs is a reason to overthrow the government.
- I believe it is a small step from using predator drone bombs on terrorists to using them on me for being such an outspoken polemic.
- If you don’t die inside every time you hear about an innocent being predator drone bombed to death, you may as well be a Republican in Alabama.
- Obama killed two American citizens without a trial. Viva la revolution.
- If you believe anything in the corporate media, you’re a jerk.
Face it, you’re a fascist and want a fascist regime full of fascism. Well, don’t include me. I’m a real liberal. And I won’t be satisfied until we’re all living in a Libertarian paradise.
Update 1: Fuck you.
May 6, 2013
DULUTH – In a scene of overwhelming carnage, Bobby Jenkins, 9, brutally murdered more than 100,000 people, zombies, and other entities yesterday.
The slaughter began at 3:30 p.m. yesterday, when Sally Jenkins, mother of Bobby, allowed her son to play the video game “Slaughter Everything.” After doing some bills, Sally Jenkins stumbled across the murder scene and immediately sent young Bobby to his room.
“It was really unsettling,” said Sally Jenkins. “He was just going crazy, slaughtering everybody.”
While his mother was upset at the murder rampage, her son seemed to have no remorse for his actions.
“That was AWESOME,” said Bobby.
There is currently no investigation into the mass murder, and families of the deceased have been urged to continue playing their roles in the video game. Sally Jenkins said that there was a positive side to the scene of what many are calling genocide.
“At least his 2-year-old sister is still alive,” said Sally Jenkins. “And so are our neighbors and his schoolmates. Maybe I should just make sure he plays video games compatible for someone his age.”
April 22, 2013
NEW YORK — The writing style of satire was blown up in a suicide attack at its home in the upper West side of Manhattan. Snark and Snide Disregard were also injured in the attack and are currently in intensive care.
Satire, which gained prominence via writers like Jonathan Swift and Voltaire, has struggled to find its footing recently in the Internet-driven world, as more and more satire is associated with mindless attacks, sophomoric humor and the oft-imitated “Breaking” news story. Satire reached a low point recently when the magazine “The New Yorker” hired Andy Borowitz, who then proceeded to write the exact same story 175 consecutive times.
“These are dark times,” said mediocre, little-known satirist William K. Wolfrum. “Colbert may be able to resuscitate satire, but the rest of us are just repeating the same crap over and over.”
No one has yet come forward to claim credit for the attack, but some are speculating that it could be the result of readers demanding more during troubling times. At Fox news, Sean Hannity claimed this had all the earmarks of an Al Qaeda attack, but that he didn’t really understand satire, anyway, so who cares?
More on this story as it develops …
March 11, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.
The move to ban drones was met by complete bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, with even staunch defense supporters like warmongering angry white guy Sen. John McCain giving it a thumbs up.
“This is just great,” said McCain, who appeared to be choking on something. “Really, great.”
Many experts, like William K. Wolfrum, the writer of this blog post, had said getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work.
“Getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work,” said Wolfrum, who just lazily cut-and-pasted that. “I had assumed it would require a bipartisan, national and international movement. But, what the hell do I know?”
Aside from banning all future drones, Obama signed an executive order to destroy all available drones, cease work on them, release all documents regarding drone usage, accuse himself of war crimes, impeach himself and give himself a lengthy jail sentence. Obama said that someone finally told him that predator drones have killed untold innocent civilians in nations like Yemen and Pakistan, and that killing civilians only further increases radicalization.
“They told me that and I was like, ‘Woah,’ and stuff,” said Obama. “If I killed innocent civilians, I must be jailed for war crimes. I would have no moral standing if I didn’t. Also, I was born in Kenya.”
In other news to further showcase how over-the-top this post has become, the stars of “Finding Bigfoot,” today found Bigfoot, who, for all intents and purposes, seems like a fine fellow. It’s goal achieved, the show has been cancelled to make room for “Bigfoot & Honey Boo Boo.”
March 7, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama – in an attempt to ease tensions with Senate Republicans – bought a dozen GOP senators dinner last night, in what all have said was a pleasant evening. The dinner was held at the Jefferson Hotel, with Obama picking up the tab out of his own pocket.
The 12 senators – John McCain, Tom Coburn, Bob Corker, Kelly Ayotte, Dan Coats, Richard Burr, Mike Johanns, Pat Toomey, Ron Johnson, John Hoeven, Lindsey Graham and Saxby Chambliss – were all so moved by the President’s largess, that all switched their party affiliation to communist immediately following the dinner.
“If this is communism, it’s delicious!” said Johnson, who dined on shrimp risotto. “The people United cannot be divided! And neither will a check when Barack is around.”
Following the dinner, all 12 senators said they would back any plan the President had on any issue, and will work to convince their GOP colleagues that “communism is where it’s at,” as McCain said.
“The President today showed his true stripes – striped bass that is!” said Coburn, wearing a Che Guevarra T-shirt. “Seriously though, President Obama is a great man and I’ll do anything for him now. Anything. Name it.”
While some of the 12 senators stated they wished now Obama would be more liberal and buy them dessert, the dinner was a major victory for the President. The dinner was also a victory for American political pundits, who have long stated that if Obama was only nicer to Republicans, then everything would be cool.
February 12, 2013
HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful creator of all things, has announced he will be resigning from his position, effective immediately. The resignation is the first by a known God since Zeus – the Greek God of sky and thunder – was forced to abdicate his position after being caught sending improper cave drawings of himself to anonymous worshipers.
In a short press release, God said it was the perfect time to step away.
“Due to advancing age and a general disinterest in my creation, I feel it is time to move on,” said God. “Remember, I created the universe when I was just a kid. Who amongst us hasn’t screwed up when they were young?”
God added that he is not resigning his position due to protecting pedophile priests.
Theocratic experts were quick to guess who they thought would take over for God, with the majority agreeing on Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association as the obvious choice.
“He’s just such a dick,” said one God expert. “That’s what people have come to expect in a deity.”
While millions of his followers reacted with shock to the announcement, God stated in his press release that humanity would be just fine without him.
“There are so many Gods out there these days, that one less shouldn’t be a problem,” said God. “And Ive been pretty much mailing it in the past several centuries, anyway.”
Spokesman for God vehemently denied that there were any nefarious reasons for God’s decision to step down.
“This isn’t like Pope Benedict XVI’s deserting his job because he’s worked his whole life to protect pedophile priests. Trust me, God has never gone easy with pedophiles. No, God is moving on due to age and a general disinterest in his flock.”
January 15, 2013
2012 was a milestone year for Westboro Baptist Church, with the religion remaining in 1 Church, Mission and/or affiliated group, spanning 1 nation – figures that represent a growth rate 0 times that of a decade ago.
The driving force behind this unparalleled era of growth is Fred Phelps, the dashing, brilliant and all-powerful leader of Westboro Baptist Church. Mr. Phelps is unrelenting in his work for his handful of relatives who serve as parishioners. Phelps has led a renaissance for the religion itself, getting Westboro Baptist mentioned in numerous publications with the church’s social and humanitarian initiatives, which include such programs as screaming at grief-stricken relatives at funerals.
In 2012, Phelps continued his program to shower hatred on all those he personally despises, using God as a shield. This has led Westboro Baptist to protest the funerals of dead children, soldiers, and anyone else he personally is offended by.
But Westboro Baptist is so much more than the homophobia and inhumanity of its leader and six or seven members. Under Phelps’ leadership, Westboro Baptist has become an amazing, happy, Disneyland of wonderfulness, incest and self-righteous hatred.
Take it from this reporter, this Web site’s reputation and everything related to me personally – Westboro Baptist Church is the greatest entity in the world today and should be respected, loved and adored by all of humanity!
January 14, 2013
I never thought this could happen to me …
My life was an ordinary one. My wife had left me two years earlier, taking the kids. My job with the cable company was unsatisfying but it paid the bills. I went to the bar three or four times a week. I played poker once a week with some guys I really didn’t even like. I was a nobody.
Then I saw her.
I was at Walmart to pick up something to eat and maybe a puzzle. I had some time on my hands – ok, I always had time on my hands – and I wandered about the store. That’s where she called to me.
She was long and sleek. Her power was undeniable, but her smouldering sensuality was undeniable.
“I’m AR-15,” she said. “Call me Bushmaster.”
Within minutes she was mine. I took her home that very night. And despite the irrational sexual tension between us, all I did that first night was sit her down and learn as much as I could about her. And there was so much to learn. She had, for instance:
- An aircraft grade forged 7075-T6 aluminum receiver is lightweight, highly corrosion-resistant, and machinable.
- A modular design that allows the use of numerous accessories such as after market sights, vertical forward grips, lighting systems, night vision devices, laser targeting devices, muzzle brakes/flash hiders, sound suppressors, bipods, etc., and makes repair easier
- A straight-line stock design that eliminates the fulcrum created by traditional bent stocks, reducing muzzle climb.
- A small caliber, accurate, light weight, high velocity round (.223/5.56x45mm)
- A front sight adjustable for elevationA wide array of optical aiming devices available in addition to or as replacements of iron sights
- A direct impingement gas system (as designed) with short or long stroke gas piston, or direct blowback operating systems available
- And a 30-round capacity magazine.
We fell asleep in each others arms.
I awoke to see her lying still beside me, I rubbed my hand down her firm, perfect skin. I could see her react as I slowly entered a round into her chamber. She wanted this as much as I did. She was my dream, my love, my life. My hands exploring every part of her, I entered her again and again and again and again …
Finally, it was too much. It jerked as my finger stroked its trigger, and she went off with the power of a million angels screaming in ecstasy. I stared at her, hopelessly lost in love.
I love you, AR-15. You truly make me a man. I will never let you be regulated.
Seven-year-old shot by neighbor
SPRINGDALE – A 7-year-old boy was killed at 7:30 a.m. this morning after being struck in the temple by an errant bullet. The boy, Bobby Jenkins, was “instantly killed” after being struck by an AR-15 round fired off by John Timson, a neighbor of the Jenkins family.
Timson – who reportedly had just bought the gun just last evening – was taken into custody under homicide charges. He was reportedly led from his home naked and screaming incoherently.
The round went through the Timson’s front window before striking the child and …
January 11, 2013
TEXAS – Scientists at the University of Texas-El Paso have discovered that the human body will deflect bullets in a “legitimate” shooting.
“We have seen that, when the human body is stressed out and about to be legitimately shot, the bullet will not harm them,” said Dr. Phil Gingrey. “The obvious conclusion is that people who do have a bullet enter their body actually want to be shot.”
While many experts have expressed skepticism at the findings, noted human body expert Todd Akin said the conclusions were obvious.
“Guns aren’t the problem, Bullet Whores are the problem!” said Akin. “These aren’t victims, these are people who want to be penetrated by lead moving at hyper speeds.”
December 5, 2012
We women have had a rough few decades. The modern woman has to worry about pleasing their man or finding a man. We have to worry about children. We have to worry about our jobs and vaginas. But it didn’t used to always be this way. Since the great feminist uprising came and washed away our self-respect and dignity, we women lived a far simpler existence. We indeed had it all.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist. I’m just not one of those feminists that gives feminism a bad name, according to people who despise and disrespect feminists. I’m a traditional feminist – I believe all women should have the freedom to have as many children as God will allow, while taking care of a man.
The problem now, however, is that men have just grown tired of us women. A Pew Research Poll indicates that women between the ages of 18 and 34 are more likely than men of the same age to rate having a successful marriage as important to them. This is because, after years of listening to icky feminists talk about v*ginas and all the sex they need pills for, men have just grown exhausted and now focus solely on sports and Internet porn.
No woman better showcases the “Bad Feminist that People Who Hate Feminists Really Hate” than Sandra Fluke. Her need for free abortion pills from the government sums up everything. That she is herself getting married (“To a man?” queried fellow woman Monica Crowley.”) is one of the great mysteries of our time. But Fluke is not alone. There are literally hundreds of other Flukes, all making demands.
The problem with these “We Demand Equality” feminists is that they have a profound affect on men, literally castrating them. As feminist Suzanne Venker recently said:
“The so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off,” Venker writes. “It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families—it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.”
Now, maybe I’m only a feminist woman who doesn’t understand things like science, but this is DNA we’re talking about. DNA.
As a woman, and as a feminist, I see that modern feminists are destroying men, thus destroying any chance of marriage for true women feminists like myself. Men are never going to want to hear we women babble on about v*ginas and health care. It is time for the modern feminist movement to lower its expectations, because men can’t change. It’s sci*nce.
William K. Wolfrum is a freelance writer in Brazil. Her wife Emilia Wolfrum is fluent in three languages and holds a Masters degree in International Finance. William K. Wolfrum enjoys sports and other “guy stuff.”
November 27, 2012
My friends, America was born some 450 years ago in 1776 and has the documentation to prove it. Now, America has an expiration date – Dec. 31, 2012.
Yes, Christopher Columbus’ great experiment in democracy is set to sail over a cliff – a “Fiscal” cliff, as it were. According to economics experts such as David Gregory, the fiscal cliff is a combination of tax hikes and budget cuts that will paralyze the economy and bring about such calamities as a return of smallpox, forced incest and insects of above average size, according to economic expert such as Jake Tapper.
As economic experts such as Scott Pelley and Lloyd Blankfein have noted, there is but one way to pave over the fiscal cliff and ensure the fall is lined with concrete is to cut entitlement spending. While people spend their whole lives paying into entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, these entitlements are free money to an American public long accustomed to receiving free government largesse. This free giveaway of benefits that people have paid into must be curtailed, or America will fail, as falling over cliffs is almost always fatal.
My friends, since America won its civil war against Europe, it has long fought to be more like Europe. Currently, Europe is continually cutting benefits and forcing austerity measures on its people. This is causing the economies of many European nations to contract, which, as non-partisan organizations such as Fox News have pointed out, help save economies and keep insects at their normal, smaller size.
The truth is obvious and unavoidable – if America falls over the fiscal cliff, all Americans will die, as politicians will lock all emergency exits and burn the place to the ground. This can only be avoided if all Americans who make less than, say, $250,000 a year start feeling the pain.
As Founding Father Abraham Lincoln once said, “A nation divided cannot afford to take care of anyone who makes less than, say, $250,000, without falling over a fiscal cliff and bringing about such calamities as a return of smallpox, forced incest and insects of above average size, according to everyone at CNBC. Also, tax hikes are off the table.”
The time is now, America. Because the cliff is coming. And if we fall over that cliff, we will all drown in the seas of fire. It’s time we become educated about it.
October 16, 2012
WASHINGTON — Stung by criticism over using a soup kitchen for a staged photo op that showed him washing dishes that were already clean, Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has announced he will be making a large donation to the Human Fund.
“I understand the outrage some feel over the soup kitchen incident, and I want to show all Americans that in my heart, I am a charitable person,” said Ryan. “This donation should really make people forget that other stuff.”
The Human Fund was created in 1997 from a grant from Kruger Industrial Smoothing. While records of its charitable giving are sketchy, the organization contends it provides “Money for People.” Despite the fact that the Human Fund is connected to the controversial holiday Festivus, Ryan said he was proud to support the charity.
“While I can’t say I celebrate Festivus, I must say the ‘Feats of Strength’ part of the holiday intrigues me,” said Ryan. “Just this morning I did 1,300 sit-ups in 15 minutes and then lifted 100 pounds right over my head like it was nothing.”
The director of the Human Fund, one G. Costanza of New York City, could not be reached for comment for this article.