October 15, 2012
BOISE, Idaho — On the campaign trail today, Mitt Romney said he is considering voting for President Obama in the upcoming election.
“While I vehemently disagree with his stances on virtually all the issues, I may vote for Obama,” said Romney. “People really seem to like him. As you know, I like what other people like.”
Romney campaign official Eric Fehrnstrom later clarified his candidate’s response.
“Obviously, Mitt will be voting for himself for President,” said Fehrnstrom. “Unless he votes for Gary Johnson, which is always a possibility.”
With scant days before Americans vote, polls have the election close, or have Romney or Obama winning handily. A new Gallup poll has Obama ahead 48 percent to 47 percent, while a Rasmussen poll has Romney leading 77 percent to 21 percent. All the polls have Obama handily winning the electoral vote.
October 11, 2012
My friends, the 2012 election is about choices. It is the choice between the out-of-control socialism of Barack Obama and the steady professional leadership of Mitt Romney. Also, the Navy SEAL who actually shot Osama bin Laden lives at 112 Ark St. in St. Louis, Mo.
You see, this election is more than a choice between two men. This is a generational decision. Do want the nation of entitlement that Obama has ushered in, or do we want the America that is defined by hard work and individual responsibility? Also, there is an undercover CIA agent in Iran right now. He goes by the name of Mostafa Elham, but his name is really Bob Smith. He lives at 2165 East Evergreen Terrace in Tehran.
Do we really want America to be saddled with an enormous debt and be at the mercy of immoral nations like China? Or do we Americans want to be the strongest nation on the planet, unrivaled by any? And speaking of China, Xi Huang – a high-ranking government official – is actually an undercover CIA agent. He lives at 322 Springfield Drive in Taiwan.
Mitt Romney wants America to be the world’s leader. Only through strength can we tame wild nations like Afghanistan. We shall not slink away, tail between our legs and hand victory to the Taliban – the same Taliban that includes undercover CIA operative Mohammad Al-Rahman.
My friends, the choice is clear. The way forward in America is through the steady, intelligent leadership of Mitt Romney and the GOP. So vote for Mitt Romney on Nov. 6, and remember, outgoing Afghanistan commander Admiral Jim Stavridis takes a walk between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. on Main Street in Washington, D.C. Every day. Without a security detail.
God bless you all, and God Bless America.
October 9, 2012
As a political blogger, I have long had a reputation as a pragmatic, level-headed fellow who often uses humor in lieu of shrillness. While I am proud of this reputation, it is one that has kept me from achieving the popularity I so rightly deserve. That is why, as of today, I will be changing my positions and attitudes to better take advantage of the current political atmosphere.
You see, with the U.S. election scant weeks away, I have yet to give my readers the passion, anger and outright falsehoods they truly desire. That is why, as of today, I will begin to produce blog posts that readers desire. In the upcoming days, I shall be releasing several new blog posts, including:
MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA
MITT ROMNEY ONCE SHOT A MAN IN RENO AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO WATCH HIM DIE
MITT ROMNEY WILL FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BE MORMON
MITT ROMNEY’S BEST FRIEND IS JERRY SANDUSKY
While I admit some of these posts are woefully short on facts, that is not an important factor in today’s political scene. You see, when the media blatantly ignores a candidate’s lies – especially when his campaign admitted he would lie to attract voters - then a strategy of just making stuff up is a sure win. No one will call me out on shrilly making things up. In fact, I fully expect the media to soon come out with stories that begin “Some are saying Mitt Romney’s best friend is Jerry Sandusky.”
Plus, let’s face it, conservative bloggers have been getting amazing national exposure by just making stuff up, and none of them seem overly perturbed that their candidate is now taking less-than-conservative stances on issues. They know Romney needs to attract centrist voters, and they are willing to be in on the joke. It’s time more liberals did the same, right?
Keep in mind, I am still the calm, thoughtful blogger I have always been. Following election day on Nov. 6, I will revert back to my normal style. I’d ask you, dear reader, not to tell anyone of my ruse, but being upfront about lying doesn’t seem to matter much these days.
My friends, my adopting a persona and style that is false will help me get the attention and readership I deserve. I will win. And, in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
September 26, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Gallup poll today showing that a large percentage of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are “jerks.”
The poll – which took the opinions of one Mitt Romney over a 10-state area – showed some negative trends for the U.S. public. By wide margins, American citizens were thought to be “stupid,” and “Jerks,” and that they “should not be involved in the governing process.
Politifact gave the “U.S. Citizens are Jerks” belief a “Completely Totally Kind of Not True” rating. The poll has a +/- of three percent.
Another poll, this one released by Rasmussen Polls, showed the Romney has pulled into a slight lead of 46%-45% in a new poll of “People Who Have Been Personally Wronged By President Barack Obama.”
September 14, 2012
WASHINGTON – In its last action before recess, GOP representatives passed a bill through the House that would require President Barack Obama to send a personal letter to Al Qaeda leaders, requesting a large terrorist attack on a blue state of the U.S. in late-October. The bill passed across party lines.
“We feel that a large-scale terrorist attack on the U.S. and its citizens is just what America needs right now,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “Just one devastating attack would be the end of this President, meaning lower taxes and more jobs would be on the way.”
While the attacks of 9/11 brought the nation together, most experts agree that Republicans would turn on the President immediately if there were another attack on U.S. soil.
“From holding the nation’s economy hostage to politicizing the death of a U.S. Ambassador minutes after he died, the Republican agenda is pretty obvious,” said the anonymous expert. “They are loyal to modern conservative ideals and big business. Oh, and Grover Norquist. They’re quite loyal to him, as well.”
Amendments tacked on to the bill include the death sentence for any woman who has an abortion, a complete repeal of Obamacare and a 100 percent tax cut for those making $10 million or more per year.
“We just want America to go back to the good ol’ days of 9/11, when a Republican was President,” Boehner added. “This bill proves that the GOP is working to make America a better place.”
The bill is likely to stall in the Senate, and White House sources said that President Obama would veto the bill if it made it to his desk.
Asked for comment, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney said he would have likely phrased some of the wording in the bill differently.
September 12, 2012
EL PASO – Continuing his assault against the President, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney today accused Barack Obama of “sympathizing with Mayans.”
“As the Mayans have foretold, the world as we know it will end any day now,” said Romney, smirking. “And what does this President do? He says we should never speak bad about them. He sympathizes with Mayans as the world nears apocalypse.”
The Obama Administration responded quickly.
“We have no idea whatsoever Gov. Romney is speaking of,” said an administration source. “We are starting to believe our opponent has gone completely off his nut.”
Ancient Mayan officials were unavailable for comment.
September 12, 2012
DES MOINES – Appearing together on stage for the first time, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney and former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin had harsh words for the administration of President Barack Obama.
“By even mentioning that he did not like an anti-Muslim video, Obama has put all Americans in grave danger,” said Romney, smirking. “And when I say Americans, I’m not including troops overseas, because I’m only talking about important things in this speech.”
Romney added that all speech of all types must be free, lest the United States become a totalitarian dictatorship.
“Who says you can’t yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater?” asked Romney, smirking. “I’ll tell you who tells you that – communist dictators who aren’t real Americans. People getting trampled by the invisible feet of the free market is what America is all about.”
Palin, known for not making the cut at Fox News, gave an inspired speech that touched on several issues.
“I’m being censored! Todd! Free Speech! Trip! Salmon!,” said Palin, as Romney smirked beside her. “Bristol! Blargle!”
The pair were only on stage together for two minutes, speaking to a crowd estimated at 7. Romney later smirkily added that he believes the phrase “Shoot first, ask questions later” should be in the U.S. Constitution.
September 12, 2012
WASHINGTON – The re-election campaign for President Barack Obama has made a $1 million donation to the Mitt Romney campaign. The donation comes on the heels of Romney’s recent foray into foreign affairs, accusing Obama of sympathizing with Islamic extremists, despite the fact that it never happened.
Sources close to the Obama campaign said they wanted to make the donation to give Romney more chances to appear on television so voters could see more of him.
“For a long time, we were worried about raising less money than the Romney campaign,” said an Obama campaign strategist. “Now we realize that it is an advantage for us. The more people see of Romney, the better things look for Barack.”
Romney – who when still and silent looks incredibly Presidential – has struggled with his mouth and thought process the entire campaign. From forgetting to mention the troops at the RNC Convention, to seeming completely detached to how much money he actually has, to blatantly lying about Obama’s Presidency, and much, much more, Romney has put himself in line to be the worst Republican nominee for President since John McCain.
The Team Obama source said that it is obvious that Romney gets stupider the more money he has, thus it is vital for him to speak as much as possible these next two months.
“He looks good, but the man has no clue, and we want to hear more from him,” said the source. “So we ask all Obama supporters to donate to the Romney campaign. Because the more people see Mitt, the more people will realize he has no business being anywhere near the Presidency.”
September 10, 2012
In the past several months, I have noticed that this blog has been rapidly losing its readership. I blame this on two major factors: 1) People are morons, and; 2) People seem to think that because I’m an Atheist, I do not love God.
There’s not much I can do in regard to the first factor, but in regards to the second factor, I feel I must be honest with the public – despite being an Atheist, I love God. Just like you do.
My love of God is ridiculous. God is The Man, in my book. Everything about God is just super-fantastic and I will fight to my final breath to keep God alive at this blog. Because God is crazy awesome.
Some people have wondered why I do not blog more about the U.S. troops currently in war zones. Well, I feel that my love of God covers that issue. I love God + God loves the troops = I love the troops. This is infallible logic.
And, wow, do I love God. And Jesus. I really, really love Jesus. He’s the tits, man. Did you know that you cannot get to heaven unless you acept that Jesus Christ is the most awesomest God of all the Gods? With the exception of God, of course. But still, Jesus is not someone to take lightly. He cured people. He was so cool, that people who never met him wrote a big-ass book about him a century or so after he died. That just rocks.
And the Holy Spirit? Well, I’m not sure what that’s all about, but rest assured I love Him/Her/It as much as anyone on this planet today.
Not only do I love God and Jesus, and to a lesser extent the Holy Spirit, I will fight for them. For instance, I am against the government plan to take God off of coins and folding money. I am against the government taking God out of churches. Sure, neither of these issues have ever actually been brought up at the federal level, but when you love God the way I do, you take no chances.
Some may say that I am coming out as a God-lover in order to pander to my lost readers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love God and always have, even though I deny his actual existence. So, in conclusion, I admit that I am, in fact, an Atheist. But don’t mind that. Just know that I love God and Jesus. Just like you do.
September 9, 2012
It has been several months since I, William K. Wolfrum, formally declared my intention to run for the office that I deserve to win. Since then, I have had multiple donors who have helped me spread my message across this great land.
My message is built on simplicity – I deserve to be elected to the office that I want to win. There are multiple reasons why I feel deserving. For one, I love America. Truly love it. I believe America is the greatest county in the history of countries. More than that, it is better than the nomadic tribes that preceded countries. America is just a kick-ass country and I love it. America is where dreams happen. Which is why I deserve to be elected to that office that I want.
Another factor is that I love my wife. Truly love her. Let her tell you:
“My husband truly loves me,” said William K. Wolfrum’s wife in a phone interview.
I also love my dogs. I love the hell out of them. I pet them and give them food and speak very kindly to them because I heard dogs like that sort of thing. Feel free to vote for that other person who doesn’t love dogs. Just know I do love them. I love my wife more, of course, and I love America even more than her, but make no mistake – I also love my dogs.
Sure, some people are against my candidacy. They feel I haven’t been open enough about my financial affairs and past work. Well, the simple fact is that I have been far more open than most candidates on these issues. Here are the facts: I have personal finances that I take care of. I could have a little, I could have a lot. I could have in-between. But that’s all just speculation and I won’t give the media the satisfaction of speculating on my finances.
As for my past, I have long been open about that, as well. In the past, I did a lot of things. Some of those things were good, some were bad. I am human just like you, and I have made mistakes. But not really bad mistakes and not mistakes I feel should keep me from being elected to the office I am seeking.
If and when I am elected to that office, I promise you I will help lead this nation/state/county/city out of the doldrums. My plans are based on making things better for everyone, not just the select few. By harnessing the power of freedom, the free market, patriotism and liberty, I will take this nation/state/county/city back to where it once was, during those great days of yore when everything was just excellent.
My friends, your choice is clear. I, William K. Wolfrum, have shown that I not only love America, my wife and my dogs, but also you. Yes, I truly love each one of you. That is why I have detailed my past and policy positions in this post. Because I am a straight-shooting truth-teller.
So remember to vote for William K. Wolfrum for that office I’m running for in November. This is the most important election in the history of America. You can vote for some undeserving jerk that doesn’t love America, or their spouse or their dogs. Or you can vote for someone you know and trust. For that office. That I deserve.
September 6, 2012
Over the years, William K. Wolfrum has made numerous outlandish claims in blogs, on Twitter, in real life and occasionally while sleeping. Such claims demand non-partisan fact-checking to give the public the truth of the matter. That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, have taken it upon myself to fact-check some of these claims.
Of course, some claims are somewhat nebulous in nature and can’t be conclusively proven as true or false. This is why I have created the Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter to help rank the truth: True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.
Using these simple classifications, the reader will now know which of the following claims hold are True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.
Let us begin.
Humanity has long debated the existence of God. With no ability to completely verify if God exists, there is no ability to know whether God, in fact, has a mother, and if God bought his mother a house.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind of Possibly True.
While Bobby the Dog obviously doesn’t “like” baths, it is not clear if dogs can experience a complex emotion such as “Hate.”
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Mostly Partially True.
While it is inconclusive whether or not White males actually know what’s best for women, it is documented fact that men have asserted control over women for most of the history of civilization. It is unclear whether or not White men use the word “vagina” more than other races or genders.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish.
Ducks eat frogs. Everything in life is worse for frogs when you introduce the presence of a duck.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Kind of Not True.
A search of the internet stated that ducks eat frogs. Being that this information came from the internet, it is impossible to judge its veracity.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Feh.
That’s all for this week’s Fact-Checkening. This will be a continuing feature on this blog. However, due to the complexities of the word “Truth,” and the fact that saying something is “True” or “False” tends to upset people, it will instead be a “Reality Check.”
The categories for the upcoming “Reality-Checkening” series will include: Reality, Mostly Reality, Sort of Reality, Reality-ish, Reality-esque, Partially Mostly Reality, Completely Totally Mostly Partially Reality, Partially Sort of Reality, Partially Kind Of Possibly Reality-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not Reality, Partially Sort of Not Reality, Not Reality-ish, Not Reality-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not Reality, Completely Totally Kind of Not Reality, and Pants Unrealistically Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll..
September 5, 2012
HEAVEN – God, the controversial creator of everything everywhere, has signed a new deal with the Democratic Party that will keep him in their fold for the next four years.
“This is just a thrill,” said God, 42. “There so much uncertainty in this game, but now I feel as though I’ve finally made it.”
The Democratic Party had considered releasing God outright in its current platform, but – under pressure from the Republican Party – decided at the last minute to offer the All-Powerful Deity the new deal. Details of the contract have yet to be released, but it is thought God will receive a generous package that includes having a say in all future Democratic decisions.
“Really, this is awesome. Now, I can finally get my Mom that new house she’s always wanted,” said God, an Aquarius. “Now it’s all about suiting up and sticking my hands into everything I can.”
The Democratic Party also announced today that Reality-Based Progressive Thinking has been placed on irrevocable waivers to make roster space for God. Also, Jerusalem as the Capital of Israel has been placed on the Practice Squad.
August 2, 2012
Following the controversy of not including Olympian Gabby Douglas in the photo or the story of the U.S. women gymnastics team winning gold, the Washington Post already has released its photo to commemorate Douglas winning the all-around gold today:
Congratulations to Douglas and the entire U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team for an amazing performance in London.
August 2, 2012
When Republican Rep. Mike Kelly stood in front of the world and stated that the birth-control mandate was comparable to Sept.11 and the Pearl Harbor attacks, it got people’s attention. This was a true game-changing statement in many ways. Mostly, it changed how we Americans should now compare things.
Luckily for all of you, I am here with a handy chart of what comparisons can now be used for various issues. Here are some of the hot-button issues of today and what they can now be compared to:
Saving the Post Office: Two American Civil Wars and raining of frogs.
Social Security: Four Great Depressions, a heart attack and the Rwanda Genocide.
Medicaid and Medicare: The Albanian Genocide, the film “Ishtar,” and a knuckle sandwich.
Defense Cuts: The Jamestown tragedy, three World War IIs and a back waxing.
Universal Health Care: The 100-Years War (twice), the extinction of the dinosaurs and a nasty cold sore.
Abortion: The Black Death, 127 Holocausts, a punch in the ear and an untreated toothache.
Tax Hikes: 727 Holocausts, the War of 1812 and a leg cramp.
Gay Marriage: Six Apocalypses, a kick to the groin, micro-penisism and falling down stairs.
Use these wisely, my friends. Reckless and offensive hyperbole should always be the last resort. But once you go there, go all the way, as our Republican friends have shown us.
August 2, 2012
Being an incredible success in life is something I’ve come to grips with lo these many years. And while I’d like to say that hard work and discipline have taken me to my current staggering heights, we all know that’s a load of nonsense. There is but one reason why I am the successful man I am:
I’m cultured like a son of a bitch.
Yes, my friends, I got the culture like I got the clap – lots of it and it itches like crazy. This culture has helped me easily navigate life’s problems and has made me rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Growing up in culture-rich West Covina, California – where fast-food franchises are literally stacked on top of other fast-food franchises – I was taught American culture early on. I learned that the key to America’s success was it’s culture of cheap food-like stuffs, available around every corner. This, my friends, is the culture that America has brought to the planet. This is the culture that makes America great.
Think I’m joking? Well, I currently reside in Brazil. As many of you know, Brazil is currently showcasing economic muscle like never before. Why is that? It’s because there are more and more fast-food franchises around. You see, when I first visited Brazil, there were very few fast-food joints. Brazilians were busy eating fresh foods served at small restaurants. And the economy suffered for it. Now, with Brazilians shoving Big Macs, Whoppers and other crap into their mouths, the economy is booming. Brazil is getting cultured.
Mind you, fast food is still rather new to Brazil, which explains why 99.9% of the nation is not as successful as I, someone who has been shoveling fast food into his gullet for decades. I got culture literally pouring out of me, often several times a day. Nonetheless, the culture is now here in Brazil, and Brazilians are already benefiting greatly.
So, friends, remember – your success has little to do with rugged individuality or your own hard work. It has to do with culture. And in America, culture means bad faux food at low prices. Brazil is figuring that out. Now, if we can only get a Chick-fil-A franchise down here. They share a common culture with Brazil, after all.