September 26, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Gallup poll today showing that a large percentage of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are “jerks.”
The poll – which took the opinions of one Mitt Romney over a 10-state area – showed some negative trends for the U.S. public. By wide margins, American citizens were thought to be “stupid,” and “Jerks,” and that they “should not be involved in the governing process.
Politifact gave the “U.S. Citizens are Jerks” belief a “Completely Totally Kind of Not True” rating. The poll has a +/- of three percent.
Another poll, this one released by Rasmussen Polls, showed the Romney has pulled into a slight lead of 46%-45% in a new poll of “People Who Have Been Personally Wronged By President Barack Obama.”
September 14, 2012
WASHINGTON – In its last action before recess, GOP representatives passed a bill through the House that would require President Barack Obama to send a personal letter to Al Qaeda leaders, requesting a large terrorist attack on a blue state of the U.S. in late-October. The bill passed across party lines.
“We feel that a large-scale terrorist attack on the U.S. and its citizens is just what America needs right now,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “Just one devastating attack would be the end of this President, meaning lower taxes and more jobs would be on the way.”
While the attacks of 9/11 brought the nation together, most experts agree that Republicans would turn on the President immediately if there were another attack on U.S. soil.
“From holding the nation’s economy hostage to politicizing the death of a U.S. Ambassador minutes after he died, the Republican agenda is pretty obvious,” said the anonymous expert. “They are loyal to modern conservative ideals and big business. Oh, and Grover Norquist. They’re quite loyal to him, as well.”
Amendments tacked on to the bill include the death sentence for any woman who has an abortion, a complete repeal of Obamacare and a 100 percent tax cut for those making $10 million or more per year.
“We just want America to go back to the good ol’ days of 9/11, when a Republican was President,” Boehner added. “This bill proves that the GOP is working to make America a better place.”
The bill is likely to stall in the Senate, and White House sources said that President Obama would veto the bill if it made it to his desk.
Asked for comment, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney said he would have likely phrased some of the wording in the bill differently.
September 12, 2012
EL PASO – Continuing his assault against the President, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney today accused Barack Obama of “sympathizing with Mayans.”
“As the Mayans have foretold, the world as we know it will end any day now,” said Romney, smirking. “And what does this President do? He says we should never speak bad about them. He sympathizes with Mayans as the world nears apocalypse.”
The Obama Administration responded quickly.
“We have no idea whatsoever Gov. Romney is speaking of,” said an administration source. “We are starting to believe our opponent has gone completely off his nut.”
Ancient Mayan officials were unavailable for comment.
September 12, 2012
DES MOINES – Appearing together on stage for the first time, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney and former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin had harsh words for the administration of President Barack Obama.
“By even mentioning that he did not like an anti-Muslim video, Obama has put all Americans in grave danger,” said Romney, smirking. “And when I say Americans, I’m not including troops overseas, because I’m only talking about important things in this speech.”
Romney added that all speech of all types must be free, lest the United States become a totalitarian dictatorship.
“Who says you can’t yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater?” asked Romney, smirking. “I’ll tell you who tells you that – communist dictators who aren’t real Americans. People getting trampled by the invisible feet of the free market is what America is all about.”
Palin, known for not making the cut at Fox News, gave an inspired speech that touched on several issues.
“I’m being censored! Todd! Free Speech! Trip! Salmon!,” said Palin, as Romney smirked beside her. “Bristol! Blargle!”
The pair were only on stage together for two minutes, speaking to a crowd estimated at 7. Romney later smirkily added that he believes the phrase “Shoot first, ask questions later” should be in the U.S. Constitution.
September 12, 2012
WASHINGTON – The re-election campaign for President Barack Obama has made a $1 million donation to the Mitt Romney campaign. The donation comes on the heels of Romney’s recent foray into foreign affairs, accusing Obama of sympathizing with Islamic extremists, despite the fact that it never happened.
Sources close to the Obama campaign said they wanted to make the donation to give Romney more chances to appear on television so voters could see more of him.
“For a long time, we were worried about raising less money than the Romney campaign,” said an Obama campaign strategist. “Now we realize that it is an advantage for us. The more people see of Romney, the better things look for Barack.”
Romney – who when still and silent looks incredibly Presidential – has struggled with his mouth and thought process the entire campaign. From forgetting to mention the troops at the RNC Convention, to seeming completely detached to how much money he actually has, to blatantly lying about Obama’s Presidency, and much, much more, Romney has put himself in line to be the worst Republican nominee for President since John McCain.
The Team Obama source said that it is obvious that Romney gets stupider the more money he has, thus it is vital for him to speak as much as possible these next two months.
“He looks good, but the man has no clue, and we want to hear more from him,” said the source. “So we ask all Obama supporters to donate to the Romney campaign. Because the more people see Mitt, the more people will realize he has no business being anywhere near the Presidency.”
September 10, 2012
In the past several months, I have noticed that this blog has been rapidly losing its readership. I blame this on two major factors: 1) People are morons, and; 2) People seem to think that because I’m an Atheist, I do not love God.
There’s not much I can do in regard to the first factor, but in regards to the second factor, I feel I must be honest with the public – despite being an Atheist, I love God. Just like you do.
My love of God is ridiculous. God is The Man, in my book. Everything about God is just super-fantastic and I will fight to my final breath to keep God alive at this blog. Because God is crazy awesome.
Some people have wondered why I do not blog more about the U.S. troops currently in war zones. Well, I feel that my love of God covers that issue. I love God + God loves the troops = I love the troops. This is infallible logic.
And, wow, do I love God. And Jesus. I really, really love Jesus. He’s the tits, man. Did you know that you cannot get to heaven unless you acept that Jesus Christ is the most awesomest God of all the Gods? With the exception of God, of course. But still, Jesus is not someone to take lightly. He cured people. He was so cool, that people who never met him wrote a big-ass book about him a century or so after he died. That just rocks.
And the Holy Spirit? Well, I’m not sure what that’s all about, but rest assured I love Him/Her/It as much as anyone on this planet today.
Not only do I love God and Jesus, and to a lesser extent the Holy Spirit, I will fight for them. For instance, I am against the government plan to take God off of coins and folding money. I am against the government taking God out of churches. Sure, neither of these issues have ever actually been brought up at the federal level, but when you love God the way I do, you take no chances.
Some may say that I am coming out as a God-lover in order to pander to my lost readers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love God and always have, even though I deny his actual existence. So, in conclusion, I admit that I am, in fact, an Atheist. But don’t mind that. Just know that I love God and Jesus. Just like you do.
September 9, 2012
It has been several months since I, William K. Wolfrum, formally declared my intention to run for the office that I deserve to win. Since then, I have had multiple donors who have helped me spread my message across this great land.
My message is built on simplicity – I deserve to be elected to the office that I want to win. There are multiple reasons why I feel deserving. For one, I love America. Truly love it. I believe America is the greatest county in the history of countries. More than that, it is better than the nomadic tribes that preceded countries. America is just a kick-ass country and I love it. America is where dreams happen. Which is why I deserve to be elected to that office that I want.
Another factor is that I love my wife. Truly love her. Let her tell you:
“My husband truly loves me,” said William K. Wolfrum’s wife in a phone interview.
I also love my dogs. I love the hell out of them. I pet them and give them food and speak very kindly to them because I heard dogs like that sort of thing. Feel free to vote for that other person who doesn’t love dogs. Just know I do love them. I love my wife more, of course, and I love America even more than her, but make no mistake – I also love my dogs.
Sure, some people are against my candidacy. They feel I haven’t been open enough about my financial affairs and past work. Well, the simple fact is that I have been far more open than most candidates on these issues. Here are the facts: I have personal finances that I take care of. I could have a little, I could have a lot. I could have in-between. But that’s all just speculation and I won’t give the media the satisfaction of speculating on my finances.
As for my past, I have long been open about that, as well. In the past, I did a lot of things. Some of those things were good, some were bad. I am human just like you, and I have made mistakes. But not really bad mistakes and not mistakes I feel should keep me from being elected to the office I am seeking.
If and when I am elected to that office, I promise you I will help lead this nation/state/county/city out of the doldrums. My plans are based on making things better for everyone, not just the select few. By harnessing the power of freedom, the free market, patriotism and liberty, I will take this nation/state/county/city back to where it once was, during those great days of yore when everything was just excellent.
My friends, your choice is clear. I, William K. Wolfrum, have shown that I not only love America, my wife and my dogs, but also you. Yes, I truly love each one of you. That is why I have detailed my past and policy positions in this post. Because I am a straight-shooting truth-teller.
So remember to vote for William K. Wolfrum for that office I’m running for in November. This is the most important election in the history of America. You can vote for some undeserving jerk that doesn’t love America, or their spouse or their dogs. Or you can vote for someone you know and trust. For that office. That I deserve.
September 6, 2012
Over the years, William K. Wolfrum has made numerous outlandish claims in blogs, on Twitter, in real life and occasionally while sleeping. Such claims demand non-partisan fact-checking to give the public the truth of the matter. That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, have taken it upon myself to fact-check some of these claims.
Of course, some claims are somewhat nebulous in nature and can’t be conclusively proven as true or false. This is why I have created the Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter to help rank the truth: True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.
Using these simple classifications, the reader will now know which of the following claims hold are True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.
Let us begin.
Humanity has long debated the existence of God. With no ability to completely verify if God exists, there is no ability to know whether God, in fact, has a mother, and if God bought his mother a house.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind of Possibly True.
While Bobby the Dog obviously doesn’t “like” baths, it is not clear if dogs can experience a complex emotion such as “Hate.”
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Mostly Partially True.
While it is inconclusive whether or not White males actually know what’s best for women, it is documented fact that men have asserted control over women for most of the history of civilization. It is unclear whether or not White men use the word “vagina” more than other races or genders.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish.
Ducks eat frogs. Everything in life is worse for frogs when you introduce the presence of a duck.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Kind of Not True.
A search of the internet stated that ducks eat frogs. Being that this information came from the internet, it is impossible to judge its veracity.
Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Feh.
That’s all for this week’s Fact-Checkening. This will be a continuing feature on this blog. However, due to the complexities of the word “Truth,” and the fact that saying something is “True” or “False” tends to upset people, it will instead be a “Reality Check.”
The categories for the upcoming “Reality-Checkening” series will include: Reality, Mostly Reality, Sort of Reality, Reality-ish, Reality-esque, Partially Mostly Reality, Completely Totally Mostly Partially Reality, Partially Sort of Reality, Partially Kind Of Possibly Reality-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not Reality, Partially Sort of Not Reality, Not Reality-ish, Not Reality-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not Reality, Completely Totally Kind of Not Reality, and Pants Unrealistically Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll..
September 5, 2012
HEAVEN – God, the controversial creator of everything everywhere, has signed a new deal with the Democratic Party that will keep him in their fold for the next four years.
“This is just a thrill,” said God, 42. “There so much uncertainty in this game, but now I feel as though I’ve finally made it.”
The Democratic Party had considered releasing God outright in its current platform, but – under pressure from the Republican Party – decided at the last minute to offer the All-Powerful Deity the new deal. Details of the contract have yet to be released, but it is thought God will receive a generous package that includes having a say in all future Democratic decisions.
“Really, this is awesome. Now, I can finally get my Mom that new house she’s always wanted,” said God, an Aquarius. “Now it’s all about suiting up and sticking my hands into everything I can.”
The Democratic Party also announced today that Reality-Based Progressive Thinking has been placed on irrevocable waivers to make roster space for God. Also, Jerusalem as the Capital of Israel has been placed on the Practice Squad.
August 2, 2012
Following the controversy of not including Olympian Gabby Douglas in the photo or the story of the U.S. women gymnastics team winning gold, the Washington Post already has released its photo to commemorate Douglas winning the all-around gold today:
Congratulations to Douglas and the entire U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team for an amazing performance in London.
August 2, 2012
When Republican Rep. Mike Kelly stood in front of the world and stated that the birth-control mandate was comparable to Sept.11 and the Pearl Harbor attacks, it got people’s attention. This was a true game-changing statement in many ways. Mostly, it changed how we Americans should now compare things.
Luckily for all of you, I am here with a handy chart of what comparisons can now be used for various issues. Here are some of the hot-button issues of today and what they can now be compared to:
Saving the Post Office: Two American Civil Wars and raining of frogs.
Social Security: Four Great Depressions, a heart attack and the Rwanda Genocide.
Medicaid and Medicare: The Albanian Genocide, the film “Ishtar,” and a knuckle sandwich.
Defense Cuts: The Jamestown tragedy, three World War IIs and a back waxing.
Universal Health Care: The 100-Years War (twice), the extinction of the dinosaurs and a nasty cold sore.
Abortion: The Black Death, 127 Holocausts, a punch in the ear and an untreated toothache.
Tax Hikes: 727 Holocausts, the War of 1812 and a leg cramp.
Gay Marriage: Six Apocalypses, a kick to the groin, micro-penisism and falling down stairs.
Use these wisely, my friends. Reckless and offensive hyperbole should always be the last resort. But once you go there, go all the way, as our Republican friends have shown us.
August 2, 2012
Being an incredible success in life is something I’ve come to grips with lo these many years. And while I’d like to say that hard work and discipline have taken me to my current staggering heights, we all know that’s a load of nonsense. There is but one reason why I am the successful man I am:
I’m cultured like a son of a bitch.
Yes, my friends, I got the culture like I got the clap – lots of it and it itches like crazy. This culture has helped me easily navigate life’s problems and has made me rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Growing up in culture-rich West Covina, California – where fast-food franchises are literally stacked on top of other fast-food franchises – I was taught American culture early on. I learned that the key to America’s success was it’s culture of cheap food-like stuffs, available around every corner. This, my friends, is the culture that America has brought to the planet. This is the culture that makes America great.
Think I’m joking? Well, I currently reside in Brazil. As many of you know, Brazil is currently showcasing economic muscle like never before. Why is that? It’s because there are more and more fast-food franchises around. You see, when I first visited Brazil, there were very few fast-food joints. Brazilians were busy eating fresh foods served at small restaurants. And the economy suffered for it. Now, with Brazilians shoving Big Macs, Whoppers and other crap into their mouths, the economy is booming. Brazil is getting cultured.
Mind you, fast food is still rather new to Brazil, which explains why 99.9% of the nation is not as successful as I, someone who has been shoveling fast food into his gullet for decades. I got culture literally pouring out of me, often several times a day. Nonetheless, the culture is now here in Brazil, and Brazilians are already benefiting greatly.
So, friends, remember – your success has little to do with rugged individuality or your own hard work. It has to do with culture. And in America, culture means bad faux food at low prices. Brazil is figuring that out. Now, if we can only get a Chick-fil-A franchise down here. They share a common culture with Brazil, after all.
June 27, 2012
My friends, the United States of America is at a crossroads. These perilous times have seen a rise in racism, misogyny, and outrage. The union cannot survive this level of anger for much longer.
This why it is vital for White Males in America to begin a serious and mature discussion about these issues. We must be open and honest about issues of race and gender. It is up to us to help America regain harmony.
These discussions must be held by White Men, and White Men only, as the Founding Fathers demanded. Black people and women are inherently biased, you see. As Betsy Rothstein of Media Bistro said regarding the recent Joe Williams/Politico debacle:
“If Williams wants to express lack of diversity in newsroom he should present it to bosses and owners, not publicly insult employer,” she tweeted.
Rothstein is correct. Williams sins are multiple, but making public statements about racism is the tipping point. As a Black journalist, Williams is too close to the story to have an opinion that should be shared. Despite being a woman who should only be covering such subjects as political softball games, Rothstein is correct in her assessment, and as a White person can view such issues without bias.
The subject of racism is best held by those who have never experienced racism. Only the colorless can truly appreciate and analyze the plight of people of color.
The same goes for women’s issues. As we saw in Michigan, women often feel they deserve an opinion on their own affairs, due to the fact that they have a v*gina. In reality, the exact opposite is true. Women are extremely biased by their own womanhood, and will often lash out wildly, using terms like “vagin*” to speak of their own body parts.
We White males have long showed we know what is best for women, as can be seen by how rarely we use the word “vag*na.” It is up to us to have a true discussion about how women can and should live, and we will do so without referencing icky body parts that we don’t truly understand. We come into this discussion sans bias and with the amount of ignorance such subjects demand.
The United States of America was founded by White Males, and it is time for we White Males to accept the awesome responsibility of telling others how they can live and act. Anything else is truly un-American.
June 21, 2012
For too long, the Internet has run amok. It has been a free-for-all of freedom of speech and distraction. It has made men billionaires and ruined the lives of others. It has become an all-powerful juggernaut in our lives.
And it is time to regain control.
My friends, the Internet has become an unsustainable model. And it is now tearing at the world’s economy as well as the fabric of society. It is impossible to list the damage the Internet is doing in its current form, so here is just a smattering:
- It’s jam-packed with pedophiles.
- It is making us a less innovative and thoughtful society.
- It promotes bullying.
- It is a drag on the economy and prompts false economic hopes.
- Seriously, it’s just overflowing with pedophiles.
This reminds me of something that happened to me recently. I was reminded of the infamous “Dancing Baby” GIF. It gave me a nice little chuckle and remembering it made me feel good.
Then I got angry.
There once was a time when the Dancing Baby was enough for us. More than enough. We’d take the time to log on to the Internet just to stare at Dancing Babies for a short period of time, then move on with our lives.
And we were happy.
Twenty years later, we are all miserable, worrying about our Klout scores and Angry Birds and Anthony Weiner’s junk and how many followers or Likes we have received and what some cute cat is doing and who showed her who-ha while getting out of the car. The Internet is larger and faster than ever, yet we waste valuable time on such nonsense, destroying the economy and our souls in the process.
And we are unhappy.
That is why the time is now for a sweeping austerity program for the Internet. Only by cutting back can we truly move forward. Pain now will relieve the pain for your children and children’s children.
Thus, it is time to enact provisions. Such as:
- The only way you may now access in the Internet will be through a 14.4 kb phone line. Via an AOL account.
- Facebook will still be available, but it will now cost $100 an hour to use the site. Let’s see how important your high school friends are now.
- Twitter’s new character limit will be 0.
- LinkedIn will become a database of unemployed people.
- All porn sites will redirect you to Rick Warren’s home page.
- A paid government employee will watch every move you make on the computer, 24-hours-a-day, to make sure you aren’t a terrorist, pedophile, or terrorist pedophile.
- Taxes will be cut for those making $1 million or more.
My friends, this is what’s best for us. Sure, all historic models show us that this type of thing never works and only makes things much worse. But those people just didn’t do austerity right.
We are smarter than they are, however. And we know such limits on human development are needed in order to keep society and capitalism pure. The road ahead will be difficult. You are all about to get a haircut. Or feel a little pain. Or share in the sacrifice, or what have you. But just remember – you will always have Dancing Baby. And that should be enough.
June 14, 2012
Are you feeling bored? Are your ratings lower than a Jerseylicious repeat? Do you try to please everyone but end up just pissing people off?
Well, maybe it’s time to ask your doctor about Wolf Blitzer.
Taken in mass doses, Wolf Blitzer will leave you feeling refreshed and ready again for the world. Just one extra hour a day of Wolf Blitzer will give you the energy and purpose you’ve always wanted.
Side Effects Include, But Not Limited to: Ignorance, complete submission to authority, hatred of beards, inability to ask follow-up questions, mega-flatulence, confusion, disinterest, parvo, sallyquinnitis, erectile dysfunction, eagerness to watch Jerseylicious reruns, illiteracy and, in severe cases, mumbling fugues.
Ask your doctor if Wolf Blitzer is right for you.