William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Being deeply devout and American, I hold two truths to be self-evident - that the End of Times are upon us, and that Jesus is American.

It is with this in mind that I hereby unveil a Truth that will shock and amaze you - John Sidney McCain is the Antichrist.

I do not make this claim without evidence, mind you. After literally minutes of research, I have found that there can be no denying - John McCain is Satan Incarnate. Here are some vital facts:

Seven Deadly Sins

While there has always been mystery surrounding what form the Antichrist will take when it comes to Earth, there is one thing that is assured - that the Antichrist will be a Sinner of world-class standing. By looking at the Seven Deadly Sins, it is easy to see that McCain has taken sinning to an unholy level:

Lust: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Lust. He is an adulterer, very likely several times over.

Gluttony: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Gluttony. From his seemingly endless barbecues to being presented with donuts by Associated Press Political Reporters Liz Sidoti and Ron Fournier to gorging on German sausage, McCain’s lust for food is legendary. And in other areas - such as his sudden desire to drill for oil anywhere and everywhere - McCain continually has shown that he can never get too much of things he likes.

Greed: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Greed. McCain and wife Cindy are worth as much as $100 million, own 10 homes, and favor expensive Italian shoes. McCain’s home in Arizona comes with its own man-made lake.

Sloth: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Sloth. As a Senator from Arizona in the 110th Congress, McCain missed 64 percent of the votes. He has now missed 42 consecutive Senate votes on a wide range of subjects.

Wrath: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Wrath. His deep inner Wrath is well-documented and many colleagues deem him far too Wrathful to be trusted with the U.S. Presidency. Even McCain’s famous “I lived at the Hanoi Hilton longer than anywhere else” comment came from his Wrath, as he admitted afterward: “I was just mad and had taken a swing.”

Envy: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Envy. Since the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election, McCain has been blatantly obvious with his envy, first with George W. Bush, then to Mitt Romney and now Barack Obama. When you have something McCain wants, he has shown he will do or say anything to try and even the score.

Pride: John Sidney McCain is guilty of Pride. The next time McCain stops talking about his experiences being a POW will be the first since Nov. 2006. A recent scientific study has conclusively proven that McCain is 200 percent more ignorant than Barack Obama, and proud of it.

Signs of the Antichrist

This individual, known as Antichrist in the Bible, will be a sinister world leader that shows up during the End Times. He reigns terror for three and one half years. He will be the leader of a ten unit empire. He will be powerful and is even able to perform miracles. His powers will come from satan. He and his sidekick, the false prophet, will deceive the world. These two will cause everyone in the world to take a mark in their right hand or in their head. Nobody can buy or sell anything without this mark. They will also create an image and all must worship it … Or die. The number one mission of Antichrist is to get the entire world to worship him as their lord. If they choose not to, they will be killed. It will truly be HELL on earth.

– Serious Theologist.

The above text is the final proof that John Sidney McCain is the Antichrist. Note that the Antichristwill only reign for three and a half years. McCain has already let out hints that he will only be a one-term President. Other connections:

“He and his sidekick, the false prophet, will deceive the world.”

Karl Rove is running McCain’s campaign. Enough said.

“These two will cause everyone in the world to take a mark in their right hand or in their head.”

McCain has long been willing to stick RFID chips into everything and everybody.

John McCain - Antichrist

In the end, there is but one conclusion - John McCain is the Antichrist and End Times are imminent. The World is one U.S. Presidential election away from seeing the Book of Revelations become a reality show.

Scoff at this well-researched theory you will, but just remember, it makes exactly the same amount of sense as the theory held by many Republicans that Obama is the Antichrist.

–WKW

Less than a quarter-century ago, Americans of all persuasions would nervously gaze to the sky wondering if the end of the world was about to rain down on them. Nuclear holocaust always seemed moments away.

Of course, the Cold War ended and 9/11 happened, meaning Americans now were forced to gaze everywhere to try to catch a terrorist bent on destroying them.

But now the prodigal enemy has returned as Russia begins to flex its impressive geo-political muscles. But as the U.S. attempts a “Freeze or we’ll say Freeze again” diplomatic tactic, the general public - perhaps overloaded by the complexities of living in a post-9/11 world - seem unconcerned at the possibility of a new Cold War and the possibility of nuclear destruction.

As mere words and facts seem to make no dent in the psyche of the impervious, there is but one way to snap everyone back to a reality where nuclear devastation is always moments away - We must look back to 1984 and the film “Red Dawn*”

(more…)

While the Jonas Brothers thrilled the crowd with a high-flying act that had the audience in full swoon, the 2008 Teen Choice Awards belonged solely to the Republican Party.

In between the screams and the close-ups of Jerry O’Connell, the Republican Party took three Choice Awards in an awards show that proved once and for all that Republicans are not out of touch with the youth of America.

The awards won by congressional Republicans:

Choice Political Kabuki Award: The Republicans ongoing performance art being played out in the House of Representatives was the runaway winner in this category.

Choice You’re Not Fooling Anyone Award: Again Republicans won this award for the current House performance, based on the fact that they have done absolutely nothing in seven years aside from pushing through the Bush/Cheney agenda and destroying the old record for filibusters.

Choice Dreamiest Guy Award: Ted Stevens. No one saw this coming. A recount is expected.

–WKW

For years, John McCain was viewed as a “straight talking maverick” who railed against the influence of lobbyists in Washington. He is the McCain in the McCain-Feingold Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002, after all.

As the 2008 U.S. Presidential campaign takes shape, however, the extra scrutiny placed on the presumptive Republican nominee has shown that McCain is neck deep in lobbyists. As this issue threatens to become something that derails the entire campaign, McCain has once again shown a willingness to act when times are tough.

Monday, the McCain campaign announced that it was hiring Fleckstein, Flick and Elmore, a Chicago-based lobbying firm to try and turn around McCain’s lobbying problems.

“There’s a misconception here about lobbyists, at least in the way that we are currently using the term,” said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. “Lobbyists are people who want something and get it. Now it’s time for them to get the message across that they are truly heroes. Also, let me add that Barack Obama’s outlandish campaign trip was an insult to all veterans and Americans.”

In a press release, FFE announced that it was excited about the challenge and that the company planned a 50-state advertising attack that would consist of television and print ads.

” … John McCain has again stood up when he senses an issue could develop into a problem. His dealings with lobbyists throughout the years have been honorable and have saved taxpayers 75% or more in many cases. Also, from here forward, “Lobbyists” will be known only as “Soldiers” … ”

McCain, without whom it would only have been known as the “Keating Four,” has lobbyists working at all levels of his Presidential campaign, and has appeared comfortable with those that say lobbyists have too much influence on him.

“Someone has to have influence on you, right? ” said Bounds. “Why not ‘Soldiers?’ Do you know that every time we use a Soldier in a government deal, we’re supporting the troops?”

Bounds added that the McCain campaign believed that the media was again favoring Obama, choosing to look instead at “invented controversies” surrounding McCain.

“You want a lobbyist? How about Tony Rekzo? There’s a lobbyist,” said Bounds. “And he’s in jail the same way Senator Obama should be for the way he avoided visiting those troops on his trip. It was criminal. No more questions.”

–WKW

Having spent his winter and spring promoting his movie on creation and being punk’d by PZ Myers and Richard Dawkins, economist/actor/Nixon speech writer/lawyer Ben Stein did as he always has done - he went into deep seclusion.

But that didn’t stop CNN Political Editor Mark Preston from fighting to interview the notoriously publicity-shy Stein. Following myriad phone calls, e-mails and text messages, Preston scored perhaps the most exclusive interview of the 2008 Presidential campaign. Long ignored by the liberal media, Stein agreed to speak with Preston, provided that the interview only covered politics, Hollywood, and the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Stein, who has stood by his original opinion that the subprime mortgage crisis was a media creation with no basis in reality, dazzled in the interview, shining a new light on the historic 2008 U.S. Presidential election, and offering brilliant insights that quickly helped millions of Americans understand the issues better.

Among Stein’s meanderings:

The economy: “We are in a psychological recession.”

Karl Rove: “He is one of the nicest, straightest-shooting, most heads-up, kindest guys I have ever met. He is a close friend, and I love him.”

Congratulations to Preston for scoring this vital interview. To see the entire interview with the reclusive Stein, click here.

–WKW

The parents of little Timmy Johnson, 8, thought he knew better. But they had caught him, red-handed as it were, when he came out of his bedroom crying due to burning his fingers while playing with matches.

Though kind-hearted people, Bob and Sandy Johnson of Seattle had dedicated themselves to being strict with their child when situations such as these occurred. So when little Timmy stopped crying and pulled himself together, his parents told him he’d have to spend the weekend with no television or video games. He had been bad, they told him, and he was being grounded.

Wall Street reacted immediately to the news as stocks fell across the board. Overall, the Dow Jones lost more than 500 points as the news of tension in the Middle East and little Timmy Johnson’s grounding led to a groundswell of sellers.

“There’s still a lot of confusion as to where the current battle with Iran will take the market,” said Dennis Hagerfield, a trader originally from Des Moines, Iowa. “And this situation with little Timmy Johnson just pushed everything right over the edge. He deserved much more fair treatment.”

Despite the drop in the stock market, Sandy Johnson said she has no regrets over the grounding of her precocious son.

“I won’t have the stock market tell me how to raise my child,” said Sandy Johnson. “Timmy’s a good boy, but his curiosity can get the best of him.”

Disney was the biggest loser on the day, seeing its stock shares drop 2.3 percent on the day to close at $198,7243.32 per share. An official for Disney said the grounding of Timmy Johnson was an obvious problem.

“When children like little Timmy Johnson are removed from the Disney media blitz for even a weekend, problems arise,” said Myron Taylor, head of the Disney Media Blitz Department. “We believe we will cut this problem off, however, with the release of our informative and helpful straight-to-video release titled ‘The Pickle People Save Little Timmy Johnson.’ ”

Mainly, however, most experts pointed to the little Timmy Johnson Grounding episode as just another sign of how volatile the market is these days.

“Fuck, the market is really volatile,” said Dr. Gordon T. Mack of the Harvard School of Business.

Investors will be looking at little Timmy Johnson’s situation throughout the week. As of Wednesday afternoon, PST, the grounding was still in effect. Experts believe that if the grounding is at least cut in half the market will respond with one of its best days of the year.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

If there’s one thing that current gas prices have taught us, it’s this - environmentalists hate America.

It’s been explained over an over again in right-wing circles. Why are so many people so concerned with the environment when we have gas underneath some caribou somewhere? Or offshore? Don’t they understand that by drilling in conserved areas the U.S. would see prices at the pump drop by a nickel or so? In the next decade or so? Don’t they know that company oil executives believe that drilling everywhere and anywhere they want is the true secret to energy independence? Heck, even John McCain understands that.

“My friends, we have to drill off shore. We have to do it. It’s out there and we can do it. And we can do that. The oil executives say within a couple of years we could be seeing results from it. So why not do it?” said McCain.

So remember, people, there’s oil out there. Billions and trillions of barrels, just waiting for brave oil companies to go and get it. Yet environmentalists stop them, because they hate America, and the liberal media bails them out. How else would you explain the news coverage given to minor oil spills?

Spill could close part of Mississippi River for days

(CNN) — The U.S. Coast Guard closed 98 miles of the Mississippi River from New Orleans, Louisiana, southward after a fuel barge and a tanker collided early Wednesday, spilling more than 400,000 gallons of fuel oil.

The closure — on what is a major shipping route between the Midwest and the Gulf of Mexico — could last days, and the cleanup could take weeks, said Capt. Lincoln Stroh, the Coast Guard chief in New Orleans.

The collision between the Liberian-flagged chemical tanker Tintomara and the barge pushed by the tug Mel Oliver happened about 1:30 a.m. Wednesday, splitting the barge nearly in half and dumping more than 419,000 gallons of oil into the river, the Coast Guard said.

The accident happened just north of the massive bridges connecting downtown New Orleans to the west bank of the Mississippi, the Coast Guard said. The tanker was undamaged. …

… The accident left a sheen of oil over much of the river and its banks. Booms were deployed to contain the oil, and skimmers are being used to suck it off the surface, said Petty Officer Thomas Blue, a Coast Guard spokesman.

The spill is much smaller than the ones that followed Hurricane Katrina in 2005, when the Coast Guard estimated that more than 7 million gallons of oil were dumped into the Mississippi and nearby waterways.

Do you people realize how small 400,000 gallons of oil actually is? That’s one year of flying for Al Gore. Leonardo DiCaprio uses that much annually just going out and cruising with his pals. And it’s not like most of you live in that area, anyway.

So remember, not a drop of oil was spilled due to Hurricane Katrina - seven million gallons were spilled. And no one was bothered in the least. So while CNN trumpets news of oil spills, think about how it affects you and your pocketbook. Because oil spills will come and go. Getting a nickel off a gallon of gas in seven years or so, that’s priceless.

–WKW

The most heinous act of terrorism was committed 1,944 years, today. It was July 18, 64. Little Romans were comfortably sleeping as their parents chatted amiably about current events. But everything was about to change.

Nero told all around him that history would judge him fondly.

Rome was on fire. A fire started by Christian terrorists. Thousands would perish and hundreds of homes would be lost. The fire blazed for nearly a week.

And no, Nero did not fiddle while Rome burned. Such an instrument wasn’t even available and Nero wasn’t in Rome. But he rushed to the damaged areas, consoling those heroic Romans who had been wounded and vowing revenge on the Christianists who had tried to destroy the city and Roman will.

Nero wasted little time, torturing confessions out of them, crucifying them, feeding them to dogs and using them as candles. The Christians were savages who hated freedom and demanded that all worship their God. They only understood force, and that’s what Nero showed them. The Christianists had been destroyed.

And all was well again in Rome and patriotic Romans danced and sang for the next couple of hundred years, until the Christians eventually took over and the whole Roman Empire collapsed.

June 18, 64. Never Forget.

–WKW

Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers had captured baseball’s imagination at the Major League Baseball Home Run Derby. Hamilton had lived up to the grandiose setting at what will be the final All-Star game and season for Yankee Stadium. By hitting 28 home runs in a single round, Hamilton obliterated the previous record, and thrilled fans with three home runs of more than 500 feet and several other tape-measure jobs.

Afterward, Hamilton - who has credited Jesus Christ for his return from drug addiction - thanked Jesus and spoke of his many blessings.

“It’s bad night for Atheists,” ESPN announcer Rick Reilly said.* **

And so it was. Christ had led Hamilton to a great triumph. Atheists throughout the lands felt the sting of this blow. It was unexpected. Jesus had seemingly shied away from Major League Baseball due to it haphazard handling of the steroids epidemic. But he was back, filling Hamilton’s muscular, tattooed arms (that he truly regrets) and bat with Christpower that emblazoned across the land and then across the land yet again, a truly impressive feat. Christ stood victorious. Atheists were in ruins, such is our unquenchable hatred for Christ and all things his miserable hands would touch.

And then, after his 28-home run round, Hamilton failed to hit a home run to win some guy a truck. Atheists stirred, still wounded from the loss at the majestic hands of Jesus Christ, but somewhat awoken.

And the Hamilton came apart in the final round, hitting only three home runs before making 10 outs. That made Minnesota Twins’ star Justin Morneau - who had already hit five in his round - the winner. Christ had won the battle but lost the war. Like the big failure that he is, thought Atheists around the globe.

It was a good night for Atheists.

*Seriously, he said that.

**Thanks to Shaker cy for making me aware it was Reilly.

–WKW

Listed in category: Everything Else > Influence >Bribery > Corruption

Influence for sale: For $750K I’ll write positive posts

Description: For $750,000, I will write positive things about you, whether you be a candidate for President, School board, leader of a terrorist organization, Chinese spy, etc. Of the $750,000, one-third will go directly to building the William K. Wolfrum Library in Visalia, Calif.

You will also get to meet briefly with me, or one of my associates. Remember, money talks. And I talk for money.

Item number: Z&!(*)&&Y!!!!!!

Starting bid: US $750,000

Shipping costs: Free Service Anywhere

Ships to: Anywhere

Item location:Shakesville.com, Williamkwolfrum.com

Starting time: July, 13, 2008
Starting bid: US $750,000
Duration: 7-day listing

Payment methods: PayPal, Credit Card, Cash in Briefcase or trash can.

Return Policy: None

Sellers guarantee: No undercover reporters from The Times Online (UK) will be allowed to film or otherwise report on this transaction.

–WKW

WASHINGTON – Citing his unassailable qualifications as a tortured POW, imprisoned U.S. citizen Jose Padilla has announced plans to run for U.S. President.

Spokesman Carolyn Jenkins said Padilla has proven his qualifications for President over the last several years, as he has been kidnapped, repeatedly tortured and then imprisoned. Jenkins said that Padilla main platform as a candidate will be to “Stop kidnapping, illegally holding, torturing and imprisoning U.S. citizens.”

Reactions to Padilla`s announcement were swift as many pundits quickly proclaimed that jailed terrorists have no business running for President.

“Padilla is a terrorist who wanted to kill as many people as he could for his own ideology,” said Charles Krauthammer. “The United States cannot afford to have a bloodthirsty ideologue run the nation.”

Jenkins reacted angrily to the disrespect shown to an American who has been tortured and held for years against his will by his own country.

“Right now there is a concerted effort on the part of the U.S. media and both major political parties to malign Mr. Padilla,” said Jenkins. “But without a shadow of a doubt, Mr. Padilla is uniquely qualified to be President due to his years of being held as a prisoner and his years of being tortured.”

Jenkins also was quick to brush aside arguments that Padilla was mentally incompetent and unfit for the challenges of the Presidency.

“First of all, as we have seen the last seven years, mental competency is not a prerequisite to becoming President,” said Jenkins. “Secondly, Mr. Padilla was pronounced to be mentally stable enough to be given 20 years in prison, so the argument is moot.”

Padilla will be campaigning for the “Tortured Party,” a newly formed political party that consists of those from around the globe who have been tortured by the U.S. government. Padilla’s camp has already announced his running mate, illegally tortured Canadian Maher Arar. While many have begun to argue that the Constitution likely wouldn’t allow a convicted felon and a Canadian run for the United State’s main offices, Jenkins was quick to disagree.

“Padilla may have shown poor judgment in the past, but being held prisoner and being repeatedly tortured makes all of that inconsequential,” said Jenkins. “Padilla and Arar were kidnapped and tortured. That trumps everything when it comes to being qualified to being President. Anyone who tries to discredit either of them in any way is just showing that they are pro-torture and have no respect for how these two heroically lived through the heinous torture techniques used on them.”

Barack Obama and John McCain could not be reached for comment.

–WKW

The Greatest Fauxtrage Ever Recorded came on Sept. 11, 2007, when MoveOn.org unleashed its advertisement “General Petraeus or General Betray Us?”

Measuring an 8.8 on the Limbaugh Scale for pretend outrage, the nation (or at least part of the nation) completely flipped out in a totally controlled manner, altering their voice and typing modulation to desperately attempt to show the world how immensely faux outraged they were.

How could it be possible that any red-blooded American could say anything bad about someone who had served the nation’s military? Congress leapt into action, codifying the fauxtrage with a condemnation of the advertisement. Free speech does not include saying anything bad about someone running a war of civilizations™.

The Earth itself would have shook if not for the fact that pretend things don’t affect it.

Now, as we celebrate our nation’s independence, I feel that same type of fauxtrage. I am so imaginarily angry I could spit. There is currently an attack going on against a man who served his country. A man who commanded Operation Allied Force in the Kosovo War during his term as the Supreme Allied Commander Europe of NATO from 1997 to 2000.

I speak of Gen. Wesley Clark, a man of courage and dedication who served his nation with distinction. And a man who is being defamed as I pretend to search for words to express my fauxtrage.

Republicans have started calling this great man Gen. “Weasley” Clark.

Oh, if the anger I was trying so desperately to portray were real, I am sure my blood pressure would be well above its normal 120/80. It would be 200/120!!! That’s how bad it would be! How dare these Republicans use their freedom of speech to defame an American General!

Here’s an example from Movie-Reviewing Republican Michael Medved:

Let’s leave aside for a moment General Weasley Clark’s increasingly embarrassing attempts to defend his “Face the Nation” claim that “his hero” John McCain is actually unqualified for the presidency.

Let’s leave aside for a moment Medved’s complete distortion of Clark’s statements. Republicans lie, and no amount of pretending to be angry at them will stop that.

But Medved, a man known for being a slavery apologist and for having ridiculous facial hair, has called a General of the United States “Weasley.”

I demand a congressional investigation! I want to know what George W. Bush thinks of this! I want the N.Y. Times to condemn this. I want polls to be taken! I demand action!

Bring me the mustache of Michael Medved!!!!!!!

Dear Lord, I am so make-believe livid I can barely type! The middle finger of my left hand can’t stop tapping the exclamation mark!!!!!

If there is not a full apology from every last Republican that has called Gen. Clark “Weasley” in the next 24 hours, I will continue this controlled fauxtrage and reiterate how incredibly imaginarily irate I am !!

Unless someone else says something that fauxtrages me.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

What more can be added to the debate over U.S. preemptive war, and whether killing innocent citizens en masse is a crime against humanity? Try firsthand experience. Writer and war-supporter Christopher Hitchens endured the controversial geopolitical maneuver at the hands of the Vanity Fair writers and editors, who blew his legs off, destroyed his home and then hunted down and killed everyone he loved.
________

“I declare Jihad on those Vanity Fair Bastards”

by Christopher Hitchens, August 2008

Here is the most chilling way I can find of stating the matter. Until recently, “killing innocent citizens” was something that evil terrorists did to Americans and Europeans. It was why a War of Civilizations against a lawless enemy who disregarded the Geneva Conventions was necessary. War is never pretty, and innocents will die, get maimed, be destroyed emotionally and eventually seek revenge. It’s a side-effect of a bigger problem. Still, some feel that preemptive war and killing innocents is a crime against humanity, regardless of the cataclysmic threat of Islamic extremism.

Exploring this narrow but deep distinction, on a gorgeous day last May I found myself resting at home, preparing to be surprised by a team of extremely hardened Vanity Fair writers and editors who had confronted their country’s enemies in the pages of their magazine for decades. They were going to show me as nearly as possible what real war might be like.

The first Vanity Fair editor I had approached with the scheme had asked my age on the telephone and when told what it was (I am 59) had laughed out loud and told me to forget it. Being a civilian casualty is for Muslims, not for wheezing, paunchy scribblers.

I woke early and knew at once that I wasn’t going back to any sort of doze or snooze. It started with little introduction. Sitting on the porch of my home, I was grabbed from behind, pulled to my feet, had a black hood pulled over my face. I was then turned around a few times, I presume to assist in disorienting me. Then, using rocket launchers, they blew both my legs clean off at the thigh.

While writhing in considerable agony, some weird music assaulted my ears. The outside world seemed very suddenly very distant indeed. Legs already lost to me, I wasn’t able to flee as a fighter jet flew overhead and bombed my home into non-existence, killing my wife and daughter instantly.

You may have read by now the official lie about this treatment, which is that it “helps” defeat the enemy. This is not the case. You feel that you are drowning because you are drowning — or, rather, being drowned by pain and a horrifying sense of loss.

I had read stories about Iraqis who, after the loss of everything they held dear, and after being maimed, would quickly recover and support American policies in Iraq. I was already confused and angry, but hell, I thought, no Hitchens is going to do worse than a Muslim.

Well, O.K., I admit now that those stories were likely falsified. Still, as my pain and heartbreak slowly gave way to a blinding rage and with slightly more bravado than was justified, I said I’d like to try it one more time. That was when I was informed that they had already located my other children and ex-wife and killed them, as well as killing several close friends.

I desperately needed a drink. As the Vanity Fair editors dumped Depleted Uranium into my mouth, I applied the Abraham Lincoln test for moral casuistry: “If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.” Well, then, if destroying innocent civilians does not constitute a crime against humanity, then there is no such thing as crimes against humanity.

One used to be told—and surely with truth—that the lethal fanatics of Allah were schooled to die, and instructed to claim that their families had been killed even if they hadn’t. Did we notice what a frontier we had crossed when we admitted and even proclaimed that their stories might in fact be true? I had only a very slight encounter on that frontier, but I still wish that my experience were the only way in which the words “crimes against humanity” and “America” could be mentioned in the same breath. Until then, however, I pledge to dedicate my life to jihad and to kill each and every employee at Vanity Fair, as well as their families.

–WKW

When Gen. Wesley Clark repeated the phrase given to him by “Face the Nation” moderator Bob Schieffer - “Well, I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president” - Republicans and members of the media everywhere flew into an uncontrollable fauxtrage, despite the fact that Clark praised McCain’s military service.

“The one certainty of the 2008 campaign, it might have seemed, was that Sen. John McCain would be acknowledged all around as a war hero for his service in Vietnam—but apparently not,” wrote Gerald Seib and Sara Murray of Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal.

Sen. John Kerry, a Vietnam veteran who lost in the 2004 Presidential Election to George W. Bush and his “Never serve, let others die” team, released his first comment on the phony controversy late last night.

“WTF?!?!” Read the entire statement.

Kerry, who received the Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for his service in Vietnam, was lambasted throughout 2004 by a group of political operatives known as the “Swiftboat Veterans for Truth.” The group, in a successful effort to turn one of Bush’s weaknesses (no combat experience, went AWOL, etc.) into a strength, managed to make Kerry appear to be a traitor - for later protesting the war - by assembling a group of liars who went on to lie about Kerry. Some of the key lies:

– Claimed that Kerry was dishonest, unreliable, unfit to lead, and had dishonored his country and fellow veterans.

– Claimed that Kerry’s “accusations” to a U.S. Senate Committee had demoralized and “betrayed” soldiers in Vietnam.

– Claimed Kerry had lied about being involved on a mission in Cambodia.

The group also cobbled together a book on Kerry titled “Unfit for Command” which reiterated the lies and added more.

Despite the avalanche of lies that fell on Kerry’s head in 2004, the media and Kerry himself made no real effort to destroy the Swiftboaters’ slanders.

For McCain, however, the U.S. media and Australian Rupert Murdoch have gone off the deep end to defend their Faux-Maverick hero, claiming that Clark’s remarks were horrifying lies that went far beyond what the Swiftboaters did.

“But one McCain supporter, retired Col. Bud Day, who was held prisoner with McCain in Vietnam, said the attacks on McCain were nothing like the swift boat attacks. He helped produce those attacks against Kerry, which were true, he said. The attacks against McCain are not, he added.

“The swift boat, quote, attacks were simply a revelation of the truth,” he said. “The similarity does not exist here because basically what the Swift Boat campaign was about was to lay out John Kerry’s record.”

In response to Day’s comments, Kerry released his second statement:

“WTF?!?!? Seriously, WTF?!?!!?” read the entire statement.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

NEW YORK - It was two weeks ago that six-year-old Emily Plangen was out in her front yard in Brooklyn, N.Y., playing with some neighbor children. Little did she know they would be her last moments as an American.

The State Department last night deported Plangen for anti-Patriotic feelings as well as for being a danger to national security.

“It’s important we stamp out these threats immediately,” said a State Department official. “While Plangen may be young, her radical ideas threaten to bring down this nation. Patriotism is not a choice.”

While there is some confusion as to what exactly happened on the porch last Thursday, a passing postal carrier said he overheard Plangen’s radical remarks.

“There was like, three boys and two girls on the porch,” said the postal carrier who refused to be identified. “The boys started saying that they were patriotic and would kill anyone who tried to hurt the U.S. Plangen responded by saying ‘Well, I’m not a patriot.’ I have it on tape.”

Plangen, a liberal democrat who some have said has received training in Afghanistan with al Qaeda, would not respond to questions. Plangen’s step-father, Ralph Richards said the girl was “in her room crying.”

“She’s really a sweet kid most of the time,” said Richards. “She just doesn’t understand what it takes to care about her country. I fully support this decision.”

Being that young Plangen is originally from the U.S., she will not be sent to a foreign country, rather she will be given a boarding pass for one of the United States’ floating prisons.

“It’ll be like a cruise for her, a cruise with other terrorists,” said the State Department official.

With the Presidential campaign in full swing, both Barack Obama and John McCain were asked about the Plangen situation.

“I was a prisoner of war,” said McCain, munching on a sprinkled donut made to look like an American flag. “I didn’t make propaganda videos in Vietnam so some little girl could disrespect America.”

“The case of young Miss Plangen shows all that is wrong in our country,” said Obama, sporting an American flag pin on his lapel. “We are taking a young girl away from her family based on hearsay and it’s not right. Being a patriot myself, however, I think it would be wrong of me to do or say anything more about this situation.”

It is unclear if an when Plangen will be allowed to return to the U.S. Noting a recent Supreme Court decision, White House officials have said there has been no ruling regarding someone so young, and no rulings on “preemptive deportation of potential terrorists and enemy combatants.”

“Oh, when they were dragging her out of the house, you could just see the evilness inside her,” said Richards, wearing an American flag lapel pin. “She was hitting the Feds and screaming. The terrorists have gotten to her somehow. It’s hard to believe because we’re extremely patriotic in this household. We’ll miss Emily, but I can’t imagine having a step-child who has been accused of being anti-patriotic.”

–WKW