As an American, I’m always on the lookout for endeavors that would be considered heroic. This is generally easy enough because any and all American endeavors are heroic, by definition. But this time, I see that the country is in need, and I will fill that need.

You see, recently, President George W. Bush has stated several hundred times that there have been no new oil refineries built since 1976 and that America could really use some new ones. Bush never points out that no one has offered to build a refinery since 1976, but such lapses are to be accepted from the President, who is busy with other activities such as not golfing.

This is where I will heroically step in. I will build an oil refinery.

Now sure, there will be naysayers, saying nay, as they are prone to do. But I am serious about this. Some may look at my record and see that I have no experience in the oil industry, no knowledge of engineering, and have even failed miserably in attempts to build simple models of sports cars and the such. But I am an American. And everything an American sets out to do can be done.

This project will by no means be simple. However, having recently seen the film “There Will Be Blood,” I feel I have the gist of the oil industry. To put it in layperson’s terms, there’s a lot of milkshake out there that needs some refining. And I plan on refining the holy hell out of it.

I will need help, of course. Primarily I’ll need one of those no-bid government contracts. For say, $300 billion, to start. And if we could make it one of those cost-plus deals, well, that would be just great.

But I’ll also need help from many other Americans. This is the beauty of my plan. Not only will I build a refinery, I will put Americans to work. Because I’d have to assume I’d need a lot of workers to build an oil refinery. Welders, especially. That just seems like a no brainer. Lots of welding needed to build a refinery.

In the end, I envision one hell of an oil refinery. People will bring me oil, all crude and disheveled, and I will refine it. And people will say “Wow, that sure is some refined oil. That sure was a great idea to build an oil refinery. Especially after Exxon, Shell, BP, etc., refused to build one since 1976.”

So my friends, I hope you work with me on this massive project that will save America. Together, we can build a refinery that will have Americans paying $.50 a gallon at the pump and a good steak will only cost a nickel. All because of my refinery.

I have already begun the planning stages for the refinery, and have found the perfect location for it, which you can see by clicking here.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

Ironically, it was Hitler himself (who, despite lamentations to the opposite, was not a Fascist but a social Democrat in the mold of Ted Kennedy and Sean Penn) who laid waste to the Hafenhagenstach. Because while the mustache itself was guilty of no crimes whatsoever, it’s proximity to the genocidal dictator who kick-started World War II made the Hafenhagenstach strictly “verboten” (Not cool).

Such is the situation with the word Fascism. According to Wikipedia: “In contemporary political discourse, the term fascist is often used by adherents of some ideologies as a pejorative description of their opponents.”

This is unfortunate, as many great Americans, including Prescott Bush were, in fact, Fascists. Thus the great name of Bush has been sullied by a simple word. Keep in mind, the word “Fascism” has committed no crime, and only gets a bad rap due to its association with bad Fascists, such as Mussolini, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore.

This creates a conundrum of sorts. The United States of America is now a kick-ass Fascist state, yet everyone is utterly mortified at actually using the word “Fascism.” This is not something that should be a problem, however. One need only look at the Hafenhagenstach. After the Hafenhagenstach was sullied by Hitler, new facial hair styles came into being that took its place, while implying the same thing. The handle-bar mustache, mutton chops and the “Amish Look” have all ascended to take the place of the Hafenhagenstach. One look at a person with mutton chops, a person can quickly make two oft-accurate assumptions - One, the dude can party, and two, the dude is undoubtedly a kick-ass Fascist.

For Fascism to become “Non-Verboten (Not Not Cool), it simply needs a rebranding of sorts. Basically, a name change is demanded. Some examples of potential name changes include “Americanism,” “Patriotism,” or “MileyCyrusism.”

Watch how easily this works, by looking at the definition of Fascism at Merriam-Webster:

Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

See how bad that sounds? Now let’s try it a different way:

MileyCyrusism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Much better. After all, how can anything associated with the adorable Miley Cyrus be bad? Americans are by no means ready to be known as Fascists. But being known as MileyCyrusists is something that would quickly catch on, allowing Americans to feel more comfortable being part of a current American system that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

To help prove this point, the archaic and misunderstood word “Fascism” will be replaced with “MileyCyrusism” for the remainder of this chapter.

Author and journalist Naomi Wolf created a stir when she chronicled America’s move to MileyCyrusism in the article “(MileyCyrusist) America, in 10 easy steps.” Once again, semantics trumped reality. Because while Wolf was not incorrect in her assessment, her verbiage left much to be desired. Mileycyrusism was once again painted as some horrifying futuristic nightmare, as opposed to the fact that it’s a current reality in the United States. But think about it. If you live in the U.S., you are currently a MileyCyrusist. Do you feel any different? Probably not, because you’ve come to accept your position in life, and there’s a Wal-Mart right around the corner where you can not only get a job as a greeter, but you can get Ramen and sweatshop-made sneakers for little more than eight hours work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Basically, MileyCyrusism ain’t so bad. But according to Wolf, the way the U.S. has gotten to this point has been through an awful barrage of events. But it’s all just semantics. Take a look at the “10 Steps toward (MileyCyrusism)” and you’ll see how much words matter, and how things may not be quite as bad as you may think. First, I will show you how Wolf described each point, then I will show you how a true MileyCyrusist should interpret these steps:

Wolf

1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
2. Create a gulag
3. Develop a thug caste
4. Set up an internal surveillance system
5. Harass citizens’ groups
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
7. Target key individuals
8. Control the press
9. Dissent equals treason
10. Suspend the rule of law

It all sounds so threatening the way Wolf puts it. But if you take away the partisan spin, you’ll see that these 10 steps toward MileyCyrusism are truly positive:

MileyCyrusism

1. We’re good. They’re evil
2. Emphasize resort living
3. Employ the strong
4. Keep an eye on things
5. Keep open dialog with the people
6. Catch and release in fishing = good. Catch and realease with people = Great!
7. Celebrate individuality
8. Work toward making a stronger media
9. You can’t smile if you’re complaining
10. What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? MileyCyrusism in Action!

You see? We’ve moved toward MileyCyrusism with nothing but good intentions. And now that we’ve achieved nearly complete MileyCyrusism in the United States, it’s truly self-defeating to fear admitting it to ourselves and others. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the history of history. Now is not the time to cringe and whimper over semantics. So stand strong and tall and announce to the world “I am a MileyCyrusist!” You’ll feel better, and more attuned to reality.

Coming Soon: Chapter 5: Why IslamoMileyCyrusists aren’t real MileyCyrusists.

–WKW

“This is just fucking awesome,” said Satan in a telephone interview.

The report breaks down the reasons for those being spent to Hades, with Pride and Greed ranking as the top two. The report also takes a look at personality types who have been sent straight to Hell over the past seven years, with “Dittoheads” and “Torture Apologists” being the most popular new members. Satan said it’s been a boom time in Hades.

“We’ve been growing by leaps and bounds,” said Satan, taking a brief respite from gorging on the entrails of Milton Friedman. “We’ve been expanding like never before.”

Satan went on to add that Halliburton has received the majority of the expansion contracts, most coming through a no-bid process.

“They really know what their doing and are the only company I can see that has the ability to make the changes we need,” said Satan.

Many believed that the emergence of “Faith-Based” programs, as instituted by U.S. President George W. Bush, would eventually slow entrances to Hell to a crawl. Instead, it’s been a virtual stampede. Some experts have claimed, however, that such a result was easy to predict.

“Let’s see, No Child Left Behind leaves behind children, the $6-billion Reading First program has left more children unable to read, abstinence-only programs have led to higher teen pregnancy rates, etc., etc.,” said a despondent Jesus Christ from a bar in Sacramento, Calif. “I’m pretty sure if the Bush Administration started a ‘Nipple Protection’ program, the U.S. would be a nipple-less society inside of six months.”

Still, while more and more Americans face up to an eternity of Hellfire, there have been some positive results. Notably, shares of Infernus Industries have risen more than 300 percent over the past quarter alone.

“Seriously, this has just been fucking fantastic,” said Satan.

–WKW

Americans are getting gouged by high gas prices.

False.

From CNNMoney:

Relatively low taxes have kept pump prices far below most other developed nations, which some say is precisely why the current runup is so painful.
Despite daily headlines bemoaning record gas prices, the U.S. is actually one of the cheaper places to fill up in the world.

Out of 155 countries surveyed, U.S. gas prices were the 45th cheapest, according to a recent study from AIRINC, a research firm that tracks cost of living data.

The difference is staggering. As of late March, U.S. gas prices averaged $3.45 a gallon. That compares to over $8 a gallon across much of Europe.

So why does a price rise at the pump hurt Americans? Because we use more.

On a per capita basis, Americans use three times more oil than Europeans, he said. That means Americans are more exposed to rising gas prices than their counterparts across the Atlantic.

“There has not been a single new refinery built in America since 1976.”

No one’s offering to build any. No profit in it.

From Carol Browner, then administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency and Henry Waxman in 2000 during the Potential Energy Crisis in the Winter of 2000 hearings:

Mr. Waxman. Ms. Browner, do you know how many applications EPA has received since the early 1980’s to build new refineries?

Ms. Browner. For brand new ground-up?

Mr. Waxman. Brand new refineries.

Ms. Browner. We may have gotten one in 25 years. One.

Via TomPaine.com:

Indeed, at a Senate hearing last year, BP1s chief executive officer explained that “[refinery] margins over the last 10 to 15 years have not been high enough on average to justify building a new refinery.” And in a recent closed-door briefing with congressional aides, an Exxon Mobil official said that company foresees no need to build new refineries at least through the year 2030.

Environmentalists won’t let us drill in Alaska National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR).

So?

From the National Resource Defense Council:

What would America gain by allowing heavy industry into the refuge? Very little. Oil from the refuge would hardly make a dent in our dependence on foreign imports — leaving our economy and way of life just as exposed to wild swings in worldwide oil prices and supply as it is today. The truth is, we simply can’t drill our way to energy independence.

Although drilling proponents often say there are 16 billion barrels of oil under the refuge’s coastal plain, the U.S. Geological Service’s estimate of the amount that could be recovered economically — that is, the amount likely to be profitably extracted and sold — represents less than a year’s U.S. supply.

It would take 10 years for any Arctic Refuge oil to reach the market, and even when production peaks — in the distant year of 2027 — the refuge would produce a paltry 1 or 2 percent of Americans’ daily consumption. Whatever oil the refuge might produce is simply irrelevant to the larger issue of meeting America’s future energy needs.

We’re not allowed to drill for oil anywhere in the U.S.

False.

From CommodityOnline.com:

Since 2000, oil companies working in the U.S. have doubled the number of wells drilled per year – with a glaring lack of results.

From Wikipedia:

No oil fields of similar size to the ANS reserves have been found in the US since 1970. With over 2.3 million wells having been drilled in the US since 1949,[43] there are very few unexplored areas left where another supergiant oil field is likely to be found.

From WorldOil.com:

The number of US producing oil wells grew slightly by 0.5% in 2006 to 500,785 wells from its 498,454 total well count for 2005, as reported by state agencies and estimated by World Oil. This is the first gain in oil producers since 1991’s well count of 610,204.

The US gained 2,331 net wells in the past year. Significant gains occurred in four states: Pennsylvania, California, Texas and Colorado. Modest gains were seen in 10 other states. Thirteen states and the Federal OCS sustained losses, while three states had no change in their well count.

As was true last year, seven states—Texas, Oklahoma, California, Kansas, Ohio, New Mexico and Louisiana—hold the largest number of producing wells. These states have 77% of the US producing oil wells.

Texas continues with the largest well count at 144,424, up 1,219 wells, a 0.9% increase from last year’s 143,205 well count. District 9 expanded its producers the most, increasing its count by 539 to 19,727 producers. Districts 5, 7C, 8, 8A and 10 also had triple-digit increases: 211, 314, 309, 529 and 397 respectively. District 1 again had the largest reduction, off 871 wells.

We need to cut taxes on gas.

This would be like trying to cure alcoholics by giving them more to drink.

For example, Europe’s stronger social safety net, including cheaper health care and higher education, is paid for partly through gas taxes. …

… Revenues from Europe’s high gas taxes are used to fund a variety of things. One thing they have built is better public transportation, said Peter Tertzakian, chief energy economist at ARC Financial, a Calgary-based private equity firm. …

… There is some evidence Europe’s high gas taxes have capped its oil consumption.
Oil use in the United Kingdom has basically stayed flat from 1980 to now, while in France it’s dropped 17%, according to figures from the Energy Information Administration.

In the U.S., meanwhile, oil use is up 21% over the same period, although the country has added more people and seen its economy grow slightly faster.
Americans have taken advantage of cheap gas prices to do other things - like buy bigger cars and bigger houses further away from city centers, said Schipper.

OPEC is screwing us.

False.

From the Associated Press:

The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries — which supplies about 40 percent of the world’s crude — insists it’s supplying more than enough oil.
Instead, many observers blame speculative traders for bidding up the price as a hedge against inflation and as protection from the sinking U.S. dollar. Some see that as evidence of a bubble.

It’s also becoming harder and more expensive for oil companies to find and tap new petroleum reserves — a troublesome scenario given forecasts that the world’s energy needs will escalate by more than 50 percent in the next two decades.

And, by the way, the No. 1 exporter of oil to the U.S. is Canada. No. 3 is Mexico.

So why are prices at the pump rising in the U.S.? A weak dollar, oil companies that are interested only in the bottom line, speculators . That’s about it.

From Reuters:

[OPEC], which pumps more than a third of the world’s oil, has long argued high oil prices do not reflect oil market fundamentals and are being driven by speculation.

Influential Saudi Oil Minister Ali al-Naimi reiterated the view in remarks published on Friday, saying speculation was behind triple-digit oil and made it impossible for any organisation to control price movements.

“Today there is no link between oil (market) fundamentals and prices,” he told Moroccan newspaper Asharq al-Awast.

“The duty of oil exporters is to make sure that fundamentals are healthy,” said Naimi. “If these fundamentals were stable and fulfil market needs, then there is no need to raise or decrease production,” he added.

Not that any of this matters, of course. You’ll still hear everyone from President Bush on down spouting these talking points. Facts never get in the way of a good right-wing attack, after all.

–WKW

Showing little more than aggression, a good work pace and a strong left jab, De La Hoya cruised past Forbes in a fight he should have won by knockout. Forbes, a former Contender titlist, is a decent enough fighter,but has very little power. Still, De La Hoya ended the fight with bruises under both eyes.

De La Hoya has been good for boxing, and will continue to be, both with his rematch with Floyd Mayweather, and with his Golden Boy Promotions. But his time as a top fighter is over. Mayweather has boasted he’ll stop De La Hoya next time around, and it’s likely he will.

De La Hoya deserves respect for his career. He’s by no means an all-time great, but anyone who has fought the level of fighters he has deserves respect. Nonetheless, against Forbes, De La Hoya looked, and fought like an older fighter. His power is negligible and he was accurate with only his jab.

–WKW

I’m writing to you to say thank you. I know nothing about you. Not where you live, not your name, not anything. But you are my hero and someone I’ll always be thankful to. Because you are my Mom’s bone marrow donor and because you are saving the life of a woman you’ve never met and maybe never will.

When we were told my Mom had Acute Myleoid Leukemia, we were told that a bone marrow transplant may be my Mom’s best hope. It seems so scary at the time. Getting chemo to go into remission, finding a matching donor, going through all the tests to find out if my Mom was ready for the procedure.

But now, my Mom is undergoing chemo and radiation treatment in order to prepare for the transplant. She’s at City of Hope Hospital, where she’s staying with my Dad in a bungalow on hospital grounds. Tomorrow, they will go home for a night, even.

My Dad asked the doctor in charge of my Mom’s marrow transplant if he felt confident about the procedure. “We wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t confident,” the doctor said. And right now, with my Mom feeling strong and the transplant day soon approaching, we’re all feeling that confidence. This marrow transplant is going to work, and the reward for my Mom will be years of life that she never would have gotten without the transplant.

So, my friend, thank you. Wherever you are and whoever you are, you are my hero. You are a perfect match with my Mom, and it seems you never hesitated when you learned you could save a stranger’s life. And by doing that, you are helping an entire family, their friends and loved ones. You are truly giving the gift of life, and we are all more touched and happy and confident than we imagined we could be. With the date of the transplant still a week away, your gift has already given us so much, and will give us so much more in the very near future.

Thank you, 48-year-old Man. Thank you so, so much.

Bill Wolfrum and Family

[If anyone wants to join the bone marrow donor registry or would like to find out how to help people in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, please click here.]

In the segment, Will Leitch of Deadspin does a fine job at making Bissinger - who’s really not that old and is actually a perfect example of the modern print sportswriter - look like a man desperately trying to hang on to a dying media - the newspapers. And Leitch did it with class, unlike Bissinger.

“I’m not the future,” Bissinger said.

Which is really all that need to be said.

Take a look at the video at Deadspin here.

–WKW

“McCain blames Minnesota bridge collapse on earmarks”

ALLENTOWN, Pa. - Republican John McCain said Wednesday that the bridge collapse in Minnesota that killed 13 people last year would not have happened if Congress had not wasted so much money on pork-barrel spending.

Federal investigators cite undersize steel plates as the “critical factor” in the collapse of the bridge. Heavy loads of construction materials on the bridge also contributed to the disaster that injured 145 people on Aug. 1, according to preliminary findings by the National Transportation Safety Board.

“The bridge in Minneapolis didn’t collapse because there wasn’t enough money,” McCain told reporters while campaigning in Pennsylvania. “The bridge in Minneapolis collapsed because so much money was spent on wasteful, unnecessary pork-barrel projects.”

Something tells me the lunatic right-wing “conservatives” in the U.S. are going to start liking McCain more and more. Using the death of 13, the misery of their families and the 145 people that were injured in the bridge collapse in order to push his pandering, unrealistic and stupid “Earmarks, never again” platform? He’s proven his point. He’s as sick and demented as the rest of the “conservatives” that never met a death they wouldn’t exploit.

–WKW

I’m not sure how it happened. Deep in my heart, I believe Islam, Christianity and Judaism are all quite similar to Scientology - as cults. The “Big Three” just has the advantage of having been around so long that people accept them as respectable. But they’re all the same to me.

Nonetheless, it turns out I am 62 percent Muslim. Which makes me 62 percent more likely to be enslaved and tortured in a U.S. internment camp like Guantanamo Bay, or somewhere in the hills of Romania. Hopefully, I’ll catch a break as despite being 62 percent Muslim, I am really, really a crappy Muslim. Hell, I’m eating a pork sandwich as I type this.

But I respect the fact that 62 percent of me is a non-believing, non-practicing Muslim. I’m not sure what the rest of me is, but my latest trip to the doctor leads me to believe a good portion of the other 38 percent is pure cholesterol.

Anyway, I just wanted to be open and honest about how I break down on a percentile basis when it comes to being a Muslim. Feel free to find out how Muslim you are at Are You a Muslim?

–WKW

“When McCain won the U.S. Presidency (controversially winning nine states by one vote each), the United States had reached lows it had not seen since the Great Depression era. With the nation at war on four fronts as he took office (Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Alabama), McCain quickly responded by taking an 87-day holiday and changing his middle initial to “Dubya.”

Upon returning to office, McCain continued to do little but show old movies of himself to people visiting the White House. It was under these circumstances that the U.S. reached full recovery.

It was Sept. 2009 when the “American Miracle,” as many have taken to calling it, began. First, the dollar strengthened based on absolutely nothing. Job creation also skyrocketed, as business owners around the nation decided that hiring people could be a way for their companies to stop hemorrhaging money. Acting on this news, oil prices plummeted to $42 a barrel, and the price of gas at U.S. pumps averaged $1.28 a gallon.

Health insurance rates plummeted based on the “well, everyone else is doing it,” economic theory. Wealth inequality closed dramatically as the poor were not anywhere near as poor and the rich were just slightly less rich. All U.S. infrastructure simultaneously strengthened in 2010, based on what McCain called the “successful privatization of the U.S. infrastructure.” Critics pointed out that no private companies had done anything, and that it had all just sort of “happened.”

Not long after the American Economic Miracle came the American Military Miracle. Basically, based on the news of the strengthened dollar, radical Islamicists all spontaneously gave up and supported a democratic system with a Freidman-inspired economy in Iraq, Iran, and Syria and promised never to do terrorism again. Alabama chose to continue to its Civil War battle, however, albeit it peacefully.

McCain never admitted to knowing how it all occurred, instead lavishing praise on the Conservative Ideology. “I’m a Conservative, so I knew along everything would come together,” said McCain in 2014. McCain also pointed to conservatism for the victory in the drug war, as everyone stopped doing any type of non-legal drug, all stating that they were too high on life to get high on anything else.

Former President George W. Bush was quick to take credit for most everything, however.

“I always knew my legacy would show my greatness. Now, as I live my legacy, I only look forward to an even better legacy in the years to come,” Bush told the New York Times in 2014 from his compound in Paraguay. Still, Bush was unable to exactly explain how the “American Miracle” took place. “First off, I think by sheer force of personality, I created a better world. Secondly, God.”

The McCain Presidency has been called the “Second Camelot” by many, as the public enjoyed peace and prosperity. McCain’s vibrant personality and jovial personality gave Americans a standard bearer for how to react during bad times. And by just thinking more positively as a nation, as some government officials stated, everything just magically got better.

Whether a critic or a fan, few can doubt that John McCain was the greatest U.S. President of the 21st century. Without having a plan, without actually doing anything, McCain saved the United States of America.”

–WKW