I love you, Bushmaster .223. You truly make me a man

January 14, 2013 by  

I never thought this could happen to me …

My life was an ordinary one. My wife had left me two years earlier, taking the kids. My job with the cable company was unsatisfying but it paid the bills. I went to the bar three or four times a week. I played poker once a week with some guys I really didn’t even like. I was a nobody.

Then I saw her.

I was at Walmart to pick up something to eat and maybe a puzzle. I had some time on my hands - ok, I always had time on my hands - and I wandered about the store. That’s where she called to me.

She was long and sleek. Her power was undeniable, but her smouldering sensuality was undeniable.

“I’m AR-15,” she said. “Call me Bushmaster.”

Within minutes she was mine. I took her home that very night. And despite the irrational sexual tension between us, all I did that first night was sit her down and learn as much as I could about her. And there was so much to learn. She had, for instance:

  • An aircraft grade forged 7075-T6 aluminum receiver is lightweight, highly corrosion-resistant, and machinable.
  • A modular design that allows the use of numerous accessories such as after market sights, vertical forward grips, lighting systems, night vision devices, laser targeting devices, muzzle brakes/flash hiders, sound suppressors, bipods, etc., and makes repair easier
  • A straight-line stock design that eliminates the fulcrum created by traditional bent stocks, reducing muzzle climb.
  • A small caliber, accurate, light weight, high velocity round (.223/5.56x45mm)
  • A front sight adjustable for elevationA wide array of optical aiming devices available in addition to or as replacements of iron sights
  • A direct impingement gas system (as designed) with short or long stroke gas piston, or direct blowback operating systems available
  • And a 30-round capacity magazine.

We fell asleep in each others arms.

I awoke to see her lying still beside me, I rubbed my hand down her firm, perfect skin. I could see her react as I slowly entered a round into her chamber. She wanted this as much as I did. She was my dream, my love, my life. My hands exploring every part of her, I entered her again and again and again and again …

Finally, it was too much. It jerked as my finger stroked its trigger, and she went off with the power of a million angels screaming in ecstasy. I stared at her, hopelessly lost in love.

I love you, AR-15. You truly make me a man. I will never let you be regulated.


Seven-year-old shot by neighbor

SPRINGDALE - A 7-year-old boy was killed at 7:30 a.m. this morning after being struck in the temple by an errant bullet. The boy, Bobby Jenkins, was “instantly killed” after being struck by an AR-15 round fired off by John Timson, a neighbor of the Jenkins family.

Timson - who reportedly had just bought the gun just last evening - was taken into custody under homicide charges. He was reportedly led from his home naked and screaming incoherently.

The round went through the Timson’s front window before striking the child and …



6 Responses to “I love you, Bushmaster .223. You truly make me a man”

  1. William on January 16th, 2013 6:35 am

    A chilling story and, I imagine, a reasonably close approximation of the gun fetishists mindset.

  2. John H on January 16th, 2013 11:56 am

    I just wish the story was not so accurate a picture of so many people I know.

  3. James M. Martin on January 16th, 2013 4:16 pm

    Wait a minute, I know they are 2nd Amendment fanatics, but are you telling me they commit the sin of idolatry as well? I mean, they way they worship weapons you’d think the arms are worthy of God status. Forget about the bible forbidding worship of idols; a Bushmaster isn’t an idol, it is a deity.

  4. sandppppr on January 16th, 2013 9:22 pm

    There are two words that the gun zealots ignore. They are “well regulated” preceding militia. The second amendment is not a blank check.

  5. Paul on January 17th, 2013 3:28 pm

    Every time I argue with a right-wing nutcase about guns or gun control — say, on a YouTube comment page — his replies quickly devolve into something like “go suck your boyfriend’s dick, faggot”.

    So I guess his assault rifle really does make him way more manly: “Ma-cho, ma-cho man; I want to be a Macho Man!”

    Signed: a bleeding-heart nancy-boy (with 28 ex-girlfriends and three drop-dead-gorgeous ex-wives). LOL

  6. Lisa Grenn on February 1st, 2013 10:55 am

    Smokin’ hot satire! I love it!! Yet, rifles are a man’s best friend … (just ask those sorry jerks!). Lisa Porter-Grenn.

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