God resigns – but not because he protected pedophile priests
February 12, 2013 by William K. Wolfrum
HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful creator of all things, has announced he will be resigning from his position, effective immediately. The resignation is the first by a known God since Zeus – the Greek God of sky and thunder – was forced to abdicate his position after being caught sending improper cave drawings of himself to anonymous worshipers.
In a short press release, God said it was the perfect time to step away.
“Due to advancing age and a general disinterest in my creation, I feel it is time to move on,” said God. “Remember, I created the universe when I was just a kid. Who amongst us hasn’t screwed up when they were young?”
God added that he is not resigning his position due to protecting pedophile priests.
Theocratic experts were quick to guess who they thought would take over for God, with the majority agreeing on Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association as the obvious choice.
“He’s just such a dick,” said one God expert. “That’s what people have come to expect in a deity.”
While millions of his followers reacted with shock to the announcement, God stated in his press release that humanity would be just fine without him.
“There are so many Gods out there these days, that one less shouldn’t be a problem,” said God. “And Ive been pretty much mailing it in the past several centuries, anyway.”
Spokesman for God vehemently denied that there were any nefarious reasons for God’s decision to step down.
“This isn’t like Pope Benedict XVI’s deserting his job because he’s worked his whole life to protect pedophile priests. Trust me, God has never gone easy with pedophiles. No, God is moving on due to age and a general disinterest in his flock.”