Sean Hannity living large on military charity donations?

What makes these allegations stronger is who they are being made by – unrepentant rightist Debbie Schlussel. And she definitely painted a dark picture of what Fox News Host Sean Hannity is doing with his “Freedom Concerts.”

“Sean Hannity’s Freedom Concerts are just a giant con,” wrote Schlussel.

I began investigating these claims, and lo and behold, I discovered that Freedom Alliance gives very little money to the children of slain troops to pay for college and even less to wounded troops. The stories of injuries to troops and how much Freedom Alliance gives them–$200 for a soldier from a poor neighborhood who lost three limbs–is heartbreaking. Soldiers with traumatic brain injuries, severe wounds to the face from disfiguring burns and explosions, and multiple amputations got $1,000 or less, with only a handful of exceptions.

The tax forms available to the public for the Freedom Alliance–for the years 2006-2008–paint a tragic story, a story of a charity that makes gazillions and spends very little for the purposes it claims, a charity that spends millions more on its small staff and crony consultants than it ever gives in scholarships to the children of the fallen or severely injured troops or in aid to the injured troops themselves. While Hannity’s Freedom Concerts take in millions, only a few hundred thousand go to the claimed intended recipients.

If a liberal made these claims – even doing the amount of research Schlussel did – they would be discarded and never brought up again. But Schlussel can’t just be waved away by the right. By breaking the story loudly, Schlussel will likely get tremendous support from both the left- and the right-wing blogospheres.

A good read from Schlussel, who gives you a look at the research she did to come up with her conclusion. Read it here and perhaps look at Sean Hannity’s schtick in a whole new way.

A good read from Schlussel, read it hear and perhaps look at Sean Hannity’s schtick in a whole new way.

–WKW

A letter to the people of Iran

Dear People of Iran,

I saw that your government has been blocking foreign Web sites, so I’ll make this quick:

Could you guys please overthrow your current regime and replace it with something less strict and less crazy? Because, trust me on this, President Obama is just waiting for a good opportunity to build bipartisan support via bombing you guys into the Iraqian age. And Mr. Nobel Peace Prize will unleash hell upon you.

So if you could get started on overthrowing your current government – like, yesterday – that would really be great.

Hugs,

Bill

–WKW

NAMBLA: “At least we aren’t the Catholic Church”

For countless decades, Catholic parents around the globe sent their children to work with the Catholic Church in a variety of ways – alter boys, choir members, etc. Many times, this experience is helpful to the child, who learns responsibility, hard work and a deeper understanding of God.

And many other times, the child returns, completely broken and emotionally destroyed because they were sexually abused by pedophile Catholic priests.

Unlike the Catholic Church, we here at NAMBLA openly and honestly tell the public what we’re all about. We don’t internally hide things from people. We’re the North American Man-Boy Love Association, for God’s sake. But here at NAMBLA, we strongly discourage this type of behavior from the Catholic Church. Sure, we are a despicable organization bent on opening the floodgates of Man-Boy Love. But the simple fact is this – we barely exist any longer.

Because of this, we at NAMBLA feel unfairly maligned. Every election cycle, you can guarantee that you’ll hear about us and how every social program somehow leads your children to us and how every Democratic politician secretly belongs to our organization. We wish.

Now, while we’re used to this type of outrage against us – we are pretty freakin’ evil, after all – we feel that these attacks are unwarranted. NAMBLA should not be the boogieman that it has become. The Catholic Church should be that man of boogie.

Because the public’s outrage against us has made us an extremely insignificant organization over the years. Evil, but insignificant. For Catholics, however, the Church plays an important part in day-to-day life. And they molest kids like there’s a shortage of them.

Yet the Catholic Church remains a juggernaut, with the Vatican probably one of the richest “nations” on the planet. Despite truckloads of molested children and endless “scandals,” the Church continues to thrive, and few outright fear and hate it for its open molestations of children all around the globe.

This is why we, few NAMBLA members that aren’t rightfully in prison and haven’t been chased underground have come up with a new slogan: “NAMBLA – It’s not like we’re the Catholic Church.”

We feel this new slogan captures what we’re all about. Because we talk a good game, but real opportunities so rarely present themselves. At the Vatican, it’s possible that they all are pedophiles, and work endlessly to insure those interactions will continue.

So all we ask is this: When describing an evil organization, why not use the Catholic Church as an example? Let the ACLU try and defend them. Because we recognize that while we’re evil, the Catholic Church is much worse, but just with much better marketing.

So Remember: We don’t have a Pope. We don’t have altar boys. You never see 30 of us rounded up and arrested for illegal sex rings. We’re only “North American” and not international. We’re NAMBLA. And at least we’re not the Catholic Church.

–WKW

Atheist Catholic promises to stick with Church during these trying times

BRAZIL – Atheist blogger William K. Wolfrum – known primarily for posting pictures of his dogs – has come out in support of the Catholic Church today. A life-long Catholic, Wolfrum said it seemed that now was the time for him to “have the back” of his old faith.

Even though I don’t believe in anything they preach and think they’re evil is no reason for me to abandon them now,” said Wolfrum, who has attended one Catholic Mass in the last two decades. “I’m no hater.”

Recently, the Catholic Church had yet another massive scandal regarding abusing children in Ireland. Wolfrum said the allegations do not faze him.

“I don’t have a child, but if I did, I wouldn’t let a Catholic Church within 20 miles of my child,” said Wolfrum, who is currently between facial hair styles – another popular blogging topic for him. “You really have to blame the parents.

“It’s like the old story. A kid can’t get across the river, but there’s a Catholic Priest floating on his back in the water,” added Wolfrum. “The Priest offers to ride the kid to safety, promising not to molest him. Of course, the Priest does and says ‘what do you want from me, I’m a Catholic Priest.’”

Wolfrum, who said he hasn’t tithed in more than two decades but remains a good Catholic as far as the Church is aware, added that the world was used to the Catholic Church and they were just going to have to accept the molestings.

“The Catholic Church is an institution, and that will never change,” said Wolfrum. “Several hundred, or thousand abused children won’t change that.”

–WKW

Prison isn’t even hiring

How bad is the economy? Well, it’s getting harder to get your three hots and a cot for the first time in almost 40 years.

Spurred by budget crises, California and Michigan together reduced their prison populations by more than 7,500 last year, contributing to what a new report says is the first nationwide decline in the number of state inmates since 1972.

The overall drop was slight, according to the Pew Center on the States – just 0.4 percent – but its report suggests there could be a sustained downward trend because of keen interest by state policymakers in curtailing corrections costs.

“The political and policy environment has changed drastically,” said Adam Gelb, director of the Pew Center’s Public Safety Performance Project.

It’s early yet, but one wonders if the prison population continues to go down, where will all the inmates find good jobs that pay them $.03 an hour?

–WKW

Readables …

There are others. Sometimes, we must recognize them …

• Osborne Ink: The lives and deaths of the Public Option.
• Oliver Willis: And the carnival of criminal carnality continues for the Catholic Church, with Brazil getting line.
• Andrew Sullivan: Gen. David Patraeus talks DADT. Will John McCain and others start listening to the generals?
• Litbrit: Bringing Alan Grayson to the masses.
• Equalitopia: Gay Marriage is happening, whether you like it or not.
• Shoq Value: If Fox News were a nation, the U.S. would be at war with it.
• Odd Time Signature: Karoli takes us down Health Care Reform memory lane.
• Ed Morissey: The billboards keep on coming.
• FreakOut Nation: Sarah Palin, meet George Wallace.

–WKW

National Review hippies to fight The Man

Over at the National Review, anti-government fervor has spread throughout the organization, with John Hood declaring his independence …

I have decided that I will not obey the dictates of any federal bureaucrat who tries to impose a tax or regulation on me by citing the authority of an Obamacare bill that fails to pass both houses of Congress as required by our Constitution.

To put it bluntly, then: I will not comply. If the government tries to make me comply, I’ll sue. And I’ll win.

Jeez, you hippies need to put down the pipe.

–WKW

‘Can’t Stop the Music’ – A Conservative masterpiece

Has it really already been 30 years? Three long decades since one of the most important Conservative moments overran this fine nation of ours?

Yes, it was 30 years ago since the stellar conservative film “Can’t Stop the Music,” with its themes of hard-work, love of country and personal responsibility hit theaters.

“Can’t Stop the Music” begins the way many an honest tale of heroic self-responsibility begins – with Steve Guttenberg roller-skating through a busy music store. Looking to follow his dreams of unique individualism, Guttenberg asks for a day off. When rebuffed by his manager, Guttenberg then extravagantly quits his job. He’s an American, and he dares to dream.

To showcase his joy at daring to dream, Guttenberg then roller-dances around the streets of New York.

Life Tip: Dare to Dream!

After the dance, Guttenberg runs in to friend Valerie Perrine. Guttenberg calls her fat, thus showcasing his natural dominance. The two head back to her place, where they meet Indian, who had broken in to watch TV.

There we learn that that Guttenberg quit his job so he could be a fill-in DJ for a night at a club. This is a remarkable achievement and showcases Guttenberg’s endless will, for he has no rhythm whatsoever. Indian, however, has rhythm to spare.

“My son, recording his very-first backyard album. Why, it’s just like Judy Garland,”- Steve Guttenberg’s Mom.

Still, Guttenberg will not be stopped. His are the dreams of the Henry Fords and Thomas Edisons. He will become a composer/DJ and nothing – not the color of his skin or utter lack of rhythm will stop him. All he asks for is a chance. And if it doesn’t work, it’s back to dental school like his father wants. Guttenberg’s a good boy.

Life Tip: Have a fall-back plan, like dentistry.

From there we go to the club where Guttenberg’s dream is beginning to become a reality. Indian works at the club, and is unfailingly polite and helpful.

At the club, we learn that Valerie Perrine was a top fashion model, but that she gave it all up to stay home and be worried like a good All-American girl. Then, everyone dances, with alpha males vying for Perrine’s attention on the dance floor. On the dance floor, Perrine meets Cowboy, who seems like just a fine fellow.

“Music is magic. I want to make that magic,”- Steve Guttenberg.

Indian dances for the benefit of the entire club. We meet Actor dazzling on the dance floor and finally suggestively cutting the rug with Perrine. Everyone continues dancing.

Still dancing.

Perrine decides Guttenberg should make a tape of his music and they should present it to a record executive. Guttenberg experiences his first pangs of fear of success. “But, but, but, it’s impossible,” says Guttenberg. Luckily, Perrine has dated most the important men in the music world, so it should be cool.

We go forward to the next day and we see Guttenberg hard at work writing music. This, people, is the key. Sure, Guttenberg could stay at home pouting, cursing his fate as a rhythm-less guy with little more than addle-brained enthusiasm. But, no. He Works to achieve his goals. Don’t let this lesson be lost on you.

Life Tip: Rhythm is overrated.

Perrine – dedicated to be a patriotic, stay-at-home woman – rebuffs her agent begging her to make a modeling comeback, intent to clean clothes and listen to Guttenberg bang on things rather than work.

Sadly, Perrine makes an incredible discovery – Guttenberg can’t sing. He’s going to need some singers!

In order to think about this dilemma, Perrine goes for an ice cream, where she meets Indian. He is upset because his feather doesn’t fit correctly. He can, however, sing, and Perrine quickly hires him.

Perrine then runs into Cowboy. He can’t sing, and Perrine quickly hires him.

Perrine meets up with Cop. He likes Judy Garland, but for strictly selfish reasons. A music video breaks out. Cop can’t sing. Not a lick. And Perrine quickly hires him.

We meet Olympic Champion and Great American Bruce Jenner. He has apparently just fled a prom. He gets mugged by an old lady, signifying just how bad the culture has gotten. In the meantime, Valerie Perrine’s agent decides the best way to get her client back to modeling is by skulking around New York looking conspicuous.

There is serious chemistry between Indian and Valerie Perrine’s friend Lulu. The two are old-fashioned, however, and neither acts on their carnal desires.

With Indian, Actor and Cowboy, Guttenberg gives his singers direction on his song. It is quickly obvious that Guttenberg has no knowledge of music whatsoever, doing little more than making spasmodic hand gestures while repeatedly changing lead singers. His lack of any actual music knowledge makes his pursuit of his dreams even more noble.

Life Tip: If you don’t know something, fake it!

Showing that she has her own weaknesses, Lulu offers Guttenberg a marijuana joint. Guttenberg – being young and easily misled by the charms of the older Lulu – succumbs to this gateway drug.

Bruce Jenner turns up at Valerie Perrine’s apartment. He lives next door to her sister and was delivering a cake to Perrine. Because that’s the kind of Patriot Bruce Jenner is. He is, however, rightly angered by the state of the world and the fact that he got mugged by an old lady.

Cop shows up. He can sing. And he’s apparently a real cop. He thinks Indian looks ridiculous.

Guttenberg and Lulu re-emerge from a room, quite stoned. Lulu says next time she\ll bring him some “Magic Mushrooms.” She won’t be happy until Guttenberg’s on the streets, destroyed from drugs and the kindnesses of older women.

Life Tip: Say no to drugs.

Showcasing his stoic, staus-quianism, Jenner openly wonders why there are people dressed like cowboys and Indians. No real answer is given and again. Guttenberg’s mom shows up and the question is never broached again.

Perrine’s agent skulks near the party. While her techniques are controversial – even, self-defeating – one must admire her go-forward capitalistic approach. Perrine is money in the bank. And her agent refuses to give up on her.

While everyone is eating, Guttenberg’s Mom – showcasing how much the elderly have to offer society – gives a rousin speech that lifts everyone’s spirit. Cop, Actor, Indian and Cowboy take their spots. And perform. It’s quite catchy. There may be hope for Guttenberg yet.

Everyone dances.

It’s finally all too much for Jenner who storms out being very judgmental about all the hard-working patriots singing and dancing at Perrine’s home.

A day passes and Perrine is coming back from shopping Guttenberg’s music to producers. They are all depraved animals, all demanding sex-for-sales. Perrine refuses. She will make it the old-fashioned way. By hitting up an old boyfriend who is in the music industry.

Life Tip: Use your contacts!

Guttenberg admits he has sworn off relationships until he’s made it in the music world. His earnestness knows no bounds.

Perrine goes to meet the Ex-Boyfriend record producer. She lets it all hang out, knowing that success is something we all have to fight for in life. Her ex-boyfriend says he changed (but really he hasn’t.)

Perrine’s act works as she gets the ex-boyfriend to commit to making a demo tape for Guttenberg, Cop, Indian, Cowboy and Actor. Like Guttenberg, however, Perrine admits she has taken a vow of chastity until her group is a hit.

“Hey, how’s the Indian?” — Bruce Jenner

As it turns out, Jenner is the ex-boyfriend’s tax lawyer. The movie is terribly ironic that way. Jenner meets Perrine as she’s leaving, and works his way out of the doghouse with her, and – in allowing them to use his office to rehearse – is the latest to join Team Guttenberg Cowboy Indian Cop Actor Perrine.

Perrine and Jenner start to hit it off. Jenner is married, but getting a divorce. So it’s cool.

Life Tip: Don’t get all flustered when someone says they’re married.

Needing two more members Team Guttenberg Cowboy Indian Cop Actor Perrine Jenner holds open tryouts in Jenners’ office. A bevy of hopefuls show up, including Buster Zawinski, who comes out dressed in a blue costume and lifts weights while singing a few verses of “Macho Man,” and then stripping. Some in the group – mostly Cowboy – feel he’s extremely talented.

“Anybody that can swallow two SnoBall’s and a Ding-Dong shouldn’t have a problem with pride,” – Steve Guttenberg.

But this is an important decision and no one can be overlooked. The success of the band demands more singers (due to Guttenberg’s complicated music making). But Jenner’s parents arrive at his office and you can see the Mommy & Daddy Issues come pouring out of him. Will Jenner be able to fight for this dream (which, mind you, is only his dream due to the need to impress Perrine).

But, as if to show how hard work and dedication is always rewarded, Jenner’s mom inadvertently comes up with the name of the band.

They are the Village People.

First, however, they must find two more singers. The first new singer is biker, who regales them all with a heart-breaking, old-fashioned version of “Danny Boy.”

Before they can get the second singer, Jenner and his father have it out with Jenner’s father telling him that he should stick to tax law. Jenner explodes with an Ayn Rand-ian flourish of fiscal responsibility: “This country is over-taxed and so am I! I quit!!”

Life Tip: Cut taxes.

Finally, the Village People are a full group – Indian, Cowboy, Cop, Actor, Biker and Soldier – Soldier never having actually been offered a spot, but hanging around because he has a uniform, apparently.

A music video about the YMCA breaks out. Young, healthy boys playing sports and dancing around shirtless. What could be more American.

The Village People arrive for the demo taping day with Perrine’s ex-boyfriend/record producer. “I hate Halloween,” says the ex-boyfriend producer.

The boys deliver a toe-tapping song called “Liberation,” and the ex-boyfriend/record producer is not impressed. “My intuition tells me not to get involved,” he says. But he makes a low offer and Perrine angrily refuses.

But Jenner and Guttenberg – like any good men – have been working overtime and have found a club for Village People to play. The press and opinion makers will be there! There will be a big profit! The Village People are going to put on a show!

But to show that she is no ordinary model, Perrine convinces her agent to do a commercial with her and the Village People. Everything is working out!

Life Tip: Life will work out.

In the guise of a milk commercial, a music video breaks out.

But the video doesn’t work. Jenner goes back to being judgmental and rightly castigates Perrine for dressing so provocatively in the commercial. Also, the Milk people didn’t like it. Not at all.

Life Tip: Don’t get risky with the milk people.

Jenner’s Mom comes through, however, as she finds the perfect place for the Village People to perform.

Now Jenner is jealous of Perrine, thinking she’d sleep with her ex-boyfriend/Record Producer to get the band a record deal. Jenner shows that sometimes being born with everything isn’t enough. Will he be able to show Perrine that he’s not a judgmental, jealous and a jerk?

After a brief interlude on a private jet, the Richie Family gets its own music video.

It finally all comes together. The team has a two-record guaranteed album. Jenner’s dad comes back groveling. Jenner proposes to Perrine. Lulu takes over as roadie. And then, finally, Indian, Cowboy, Actor, Cop, Biker and soldier take the stage.

When all is said and done, it’s easy to see why “Can’t Stop the Music” maintains its Conservative gravitas until today. It is a story of average Americans – Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine, Indian, Bruce Jenner, Actor, Cowboy, Soldier and Biker – who have dreams, follow them and achieve them. In America.

Hollywood is endlessly sending out liberally biased movies that disenfranchise the conservative movement. But just remember, 30 years ago, it all changed. “Can’t Stop the Music” is a true Conservative treasure.

–WKW

–Dedicated to Jon Swift.

What you know, what you’ll do

What you know: Hitting a shark in the nose is a way to get them to stop attacking you.

What you’ll do: Not punch a shark in the nose if it attacks you.

For God’s sake, it’s a shark. Nothing prepares you for that.

–WKW

It’s official: The U.S. is Italy

In short order, the U.S. has moved up into the rarefied air of Italy when it comes to political lasciviousness. Rielle Hunter makes her entry into the goo at GQ:

I, for one, welcome our new Roman overlords.

–WKW

From the Sports Desk …

Some thoughts from an occasional sportswriter:

• Manny Pacquiao scared the hell out of Joshua Clottey. And that doesn’t make for a good fight, at all. …
• For the second time in his career (The first being Arturo Gatti), Alfonzo Gomez has beaten an aging name fighter, as he took apart Jose Luis Castillo on the Pacquiao-Clottey undercard. The bad news? Now we’ll all be forced to watch the limited and dull Gomez fight again. It’s the John Ruiz, Rocky Juarez career path of forcing poor bastards like me to watch them on a PPV undercard when I wouldn’t watch them for free …
• John Duddy currently holds the title for being the worst 29-1 contender out there. …
• Kentucky will win the NCAA Basketball Tournament, just you watch …
• David Beckham’s international career came to an end, yesterday, as the English midfielder tore his left achilles while representing A.C. Milan. It would be terribly surprising if we see Beckham lace them up in the MLS again, as well. …

–WKW

No, vaccines don’t cause autism

From a U.S. federal court, comes the latest inconvenient truth for antivaxxers to deal with:

A federal court ruled Friday that the evidence supporting an alleged causal link between autism and a mercury-containing preservative in vaccines is unpersuasive, and that the families of children diagnosed with autism are not entitled to compensation.

Special masters of the U.S. Court of Federal Claims released more than 600 pages of findings after reviewing three test cases and finding all the claims wanting.

“Petitioners’ theory of vaccine-related causation is scientifically unsupportable,” wrote Special Master Patricia Campbell-Smith in her conclusion about William P. Mead, whose parents, George and Victoria Mead, had brought one of the suits.

“In the absence of a sound medical theory causally connecting William’s received vaccines to his autistic condition, the undersigned cannot find the proposed sequence of cause and effect to be logical or temporally appropriate. Having failed to satisfy their burden of proof under the articulated legal standard, petitioners cannot prevail on their claim of vaccine-related causation.”

No worries, I’m sure Arianna Huffington will give Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy a chance to lie away any of the least latest damnation of their absurd and dangerous theories. For the rest of us, the evidence against it is completely overwhelming. As Bad Astronomer Phil Plait wrote:

These are people who (very incorrectly) think that vaccines are linked to autism. It has been shown, conclusively, that no such link exists. Every time an antivaxxer is shown this data, they move the goalposts, claiming it’s some other vaccine feature causing autism, or cite outdated and flawed studies. The problem (for them) is, you can show that the number of autism cases diagnosed is totally unrelated to vaccines. They deny this, they spin, they distract, but in the end this simple fact proves them wrong.

We need vaccines. We have stopped smallpox cold with vaccines. Rubella, measles, and pertussis can be stopped. Where antivaxxers have sown distrust in vaccines, these diseases have been making a comeback, and kids have died.

Whatever the reasons behind the Antivaxxer movement, it must stop. It’s based on lies and there is nothing noble about pursuing false logic. Vaccines don’t cause autism.

–WKW

A hockey announcing career lost in the five-hole

My radio career began like many do – I walked into my college’s radio station asking about sports announcing possibilities and they said “Sure, wanna cover tonight’s hockey game?”

Thus, like most things in my life, my career as a sports announce started quickly with me having almost no grasp of what I was actually doing.

I mean, I know hockey the way the average American sports fan knows hockey. I can keep up with what’s happening on the ice. I know who’s winning and basically why. But I don’t know the lingo for the life of me. And let me tell you, from personal experience, you need to learn the lingo before you go on the air.

Now here’s something they don’t tell you – hockey’s a really fast game. Really, really fast. And here’s something they didn’t tell me – the team the fearsome University of Alaska Anchorage team would be playing a tea, made up from guys from Vick’s Vertigo Recovery Institute.

Adding up all the factors, and you see I had fallen into a dream assignment – Announcing a really fast sport I really didn’t know that well for my first time on the radio, in which one of the teams ends up scoring 18 goals.

That’s right, the final score was 18-1. You try and make that interesting. So my first experience on the radio consisted of me desperately trying to keep up with the game while finding different ways to describe the un-holy amount of goals.

Sadly, the one bit of lingo that stuck in my mind was “the five-hole.” Thus, about 11 of those goals were made through the five goal. the Vertigian goalie had a HUGE five-hole, and I filled it up with pucks, real or perceived. And honestly, I still don’t know where the five-hole actually is.

The final indignation? The fact that the engineer cut me off for the entire third-quarter. Meaning I was announcing the game (terribly) while no one was listening and no one was recording. It was totally the right thing to do.

My radio announcing career continued and got reasonably better (I was never again asked to cover hockey, and instead covered a lot of girls’ volleyball, which is a lot more fun). For the most part, I’d say that my desire to be a sportscaster was filled, much like that poor, overburdened five-hole so many years ago on that fateful night.

–WKW

Costa Rica to re-institute military to keep Rush Limbaugh out

COSTA RICA – Calling it the “greatest threat our nation has ever faced,” Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

“We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now,” said Arias. “We don’t want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud.”

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States.

“I don’t know. I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” said Limbaugh.

Arias said he would not allow his nation to suffer the same fate as the U.S. and called for every man, woman and child in the nation to join the military and guard the borders. Costa Rica has not had an active military since 1948.

“This is the greatest threat our democracy has ever faced,” said Arias. “If Limbaugh gets in, then Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Ann Coulter will surely follow.

“We cannot allow these weapons of mass distraction come and ruin our nation as they have worked so hard to do in America,” added Arias.

–WKW

John Ensign: “At least I never tickled anyone”

WASHINGTON – Republican Senator John Ensign – speaking from his room at the C Street Center – has come out swinging against ex-Representative Eric Massa.

“That he would admit to a tickle fight is a travesty and an embarrassment for this Congress,” said Ensign, who at no time during his speech slept with any of his friends’ wives. “The Democrats have once again proven to have serious ethics problems.”

Ensign – who while speaking never once tried to find a job for anyone he cuckolded – said he felt his record showed him as a fierce non-tickler.

“I don’t tickle the Republican Party at all,” said Ensign, who was backed by close friend, Republican Sen. Tom Coburn. “I stridently avoid any ticklish situations.”

Ensign’s speech was cut short, however, as his parents arrived and chased away reporters with a broom and $100 bills.

–WKW

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