January 11, 2016
Essas funções serão desenvolvidas por assistentes pessoais, do sexo feminino, baseadas na China e Itália, mas viajarão principalmente com o Presidente para a zona árabe, Europa e América do Sul.Sobre a função: À procura de uma mulher de idade média, elegante, bem preparada, personalidade, senso de protocolo de alto cargo.Charmosa, com uma personalidade agradável, inteligente, pessoa empática para assumir a responsabilidade de manter a equipe e escritório de trabalho com desempenho máximo. Elas serão envolvidos em todos os aspectos para ajudar a construir o escritório de China e Itália, prestar assistência ao CEO, enquanto gestora ambiente de escritório, assumindo a responsabilidade por canais de mídia sociais exterior e para ajudar a apoiar as iniciativas globais de marketing.Se estiver interessada por favor envie no mínimos duas fotos de corpo inteiro, uma com roupas profissionais e outra com roupas de festa, juntamente com o seu CV.Excelente pacote salarial com outro e pacote de benefícios para a candidata certo.Nosso Cliente Amsia Motors é o líder da nova geração da indústria automotiva e engenharia, com uma visão única e direção a um futuro mais verde. Mais importantemente inspirado pelo meio ambiente, altamente econômico desempenho e qualidade confiável. Site da empresawww.amsiamotors.com
Caro Mr.Bill Wolfrum,Obrigado por seus comentários amáveis,no interesse em Amsia Motors.É muito apreciado.Por favor note, o Mr.Ahmed de Vendas & Marketing Director global que assinou o documento está atualmente em Sete Lagoas.Nós podemos colocar você em contato com ele imediatamente para uma entrevista por telefone ou skype.Gentilmente envie seu número e contatos locais.Estamos ansiosos para uma grande história e editorial com você.Bom Dia!sinceramentePaul K. LeiraConcierge clienteToronto, Canadá
1. Uma história do Diário do Comércio sugere um envolvimento do governo com os investimentos Sete Lagoas
2. Aparentemente, uma empresa chamada “Oxxor Motors” tentou o mesmo caso como Amsia Motors.
3. A “Mr. Zhang Hui” é creditado no LinkedIn como sendo o Presidente do “Amnesia Baraka Limited.” Zhang Hui é um nome chinês popular. Zhang tem conexões de zero ea conta aparece de novo.
January 11, 2016
In 2013, the Brazilian government was crowing about its “Crown Jewel” of the so-called Greater Brazil Plan. The “Incentive Program for Technological Innovation and Densification of the Productive Chain of Motor Vehicles” was a plan to offer incentives to automakers around the world to bring their companies to Brazil. The government proudly trotted names of companies looking to invest in Brazil, including the “Chinese-Saudi company” Amsia Motors.
Recently in Minas Gerais, a small team of representatives from Amsia Motors – which previously saw a (Rs) $1 billion deal to build a factory in Sergipe fall through to little fanfare – was in Minas Gerais, working on deals including a whopping (Rs)$2 billion deal to build a factory in Sete Lagoas, that would bring with it 2,500 jobs. Amsia was even asking people who could help them to send them e-mails. A member of the group said they had been working former Minister of Development Fernando Pimentel for some time to make the trip happen. Members of the group posed with Brazilian school children and were treated as foreign dignitaries.
For a nation in need, Amsia Motors seems too good to be true. And it probably is. Amsia Motors is a multi-national automobile company that is promising to invest billions of reals in Brazil and create thousands of good paying jobs. Yet there is no proof it exists beyond a few men and a couple web sites.
The seeds of Amsia Motors were planted in 1986 in the United States in the state of Delaware when it was incorporated as Inter Baraka Holdings. In the 30 full years since, there is no reason whatsoever to believe Inter Baraka or Amsia Motors has ever produced a small generator, let alone an actual automobile. There is no proof available.
Amsia Motors (also Sinoamsia, also Amsia-lbh Group) has three verifiable representatives: Mustafa Ahmed (Also Mustapha Ahmad. Also Mustafa Zeauddin Ahmed. Also Zia Amed. Also Mostafa Ahmed), President and apparently a native of India. Faisal Al Saud – the Arab Zone Distributor and “Saudi Arabian Prince,” and Moeth Ahmed, a director who lives in Toronto, Canada.
Some reasons to be skeptical of Amsia Motor’s existence:
1) A wide search of the Internet shows not one vehicle made by Amsia Motors. Every vehicle shown in any story from Amsia Motors is a vehicle built by another company and photoshopped into being an “Amsia Motors” vehicle.
2) It’s only “Factory” is in China. The address given for this factory is a suite number of an office building.
3) The only mentions of Amsia Motors on the Internet are of its efforts to make deals in Brazil, aside from a couple mentions in 2011 when Mustafa Ahmed made a mediocre effort to obtain Irisbus in Italy.
4) Moeth Ahmed, who is in Brazil with the Amsia Motors delegation, is a web designer who registered the Amsiamotors.com web site with GoDaddy in 2011 just before they attempted the Irisbus deal in Italy. Moeth Ahmed also owns the websites , lauracolgan.com, uberdigitalluxury.com, amsiaglobal.com and pforzheimwatches.com. Moeth Ahmed’s company “Uber Digital Luxury” is credited as the site designer of AmsiaMotors.com.
5) An Amsia Motors YouTube account has no videos that can prove it is a company or that it makes cars or is a company.
6) The consistent conflating of names. For instance, Amsia Motors is one letter from being “Asia Motors.” Prince Faisal Al Saud is a name the same as a more famous one, as is his company Eram Holding Group, not to be confused with the wildly successful corporation Eram Group. Inter Baraka Holding is not the successful Baraka Holding.
7) The main site for “Amsia Motors Global” is a free Google Blogspot web site.
8) According to the Amsia Motors Global Web site, Amsia Motors also made a (Rs) $2 billion deal with Monte Alegre Mayor Rodrigo de Alvim Mendonça.
9) The e-mail Amsia Motors supplied to possible vendors apparently does not work.
“For local partnerships are you indicating the e-mail info @ amsiaglobal, but it is not possible to send e-mail. Which another e-mail to be able to contact the Amsia Motors company?”
Amsia Motors – which apparently makes use of a free e-mail service – was previously questioned by Italian journalist Andrea Malan, who called them an “alleged multinational” and wrote that the company included a photoshopped Fiat 500 as one of its own cars in its photo album.
“The alleged multinational (described as “a giant Sino-American” optimist Alessandro Pagano, member of the PDL) is called Amsia Motors and shows a curious website ( www.amsiamotors.com ) written in halting English or poorly translated by some foreign language,” wrote Malan. Commenters at a story from the Web site Noticias Automotivas seem to come to the conclusion that Amsia Motors is not what it claims to be. Adiberto Souza openly wondered who Mustafa Ahmed was and asked his readers for information about him.
Brazilian writer Gustavo Henrique Ruffo also questioned the existence of Amsia Motors in a 2013 story.
“they all bring the company emblem placed in a very amateur way the images. Which are cars from other companies. Example is the Amsia Living a Ssangyong apartamentos em santos Rexton with emblem of Amsia. Or Amsia Komi, nothing less than a Effa M100. Blogs in South America (amsiamotorsouthamerica.blogspot.com.br) and Africa (amsiamotorsafrica.blogspot.com.br) that have the same content, no nothing,” wrote Ruffo.
Another odd aside from Amsia Motors is an apparent advertisement placed on the web site Abhilasha HR Solution. The add requests females to be assistants and asks for photos of candidates “in party ware.”
These roles are for Female Personal Assistants to be based in CHINA and ITALY, but will travel mostly with Chairman to Arab zone, Europe and South America.
About the role: Looking for a mid age , elegant, well groomed ,personality, sense of high office protocol.
Charming, with a Pleasant personality, clever, empathetic person to take responsibility for keeping the team and office working at peak performance. They will be involved in every aspect of helping build the China and Italy office from providing assistance to CEO while managing office environment, taking responsibility for outward social media channels, to helping support the global marketing initiatives.
If interested please send minimum 2 full-size pictures, one in business suit and one in party ware along with your CV.
Excellent Salary Package with other benefit package for the right candidate.
Our Client Amsia Motors is the new generation signature Leader in the Automobile and Engineering industry, with a unique vision and direction of a Greener Future. Inspired most importantly by environment friendly, highly economical, reliable performance and quality. Company website www.amsiamotors.com
There are other oddities, including a comment from Mustafa Ahmed to a story from the Latin Herald Tribune, where Ahmed seemingly forgets his comment is connected to his Facebook account. Ahmed signs the comment with the sockpuppet name “Daniel Wolfensberger.”
News is not correct .Amsia Motors is fully owned by parent holding company registered in USA. Mr.Mostafa Ahmed is the Chairman &CEO with full share owner .Prince Faisal Al Saud is the Distributor of Amsia Motors for GCC counties.He came as a member of Chairman’s entourage not a financier or investor. Daniel Wolfensberger
Moeth Ahmed has yet to respond to several requests to speak with him about this story, though I did receive an e-mail from a “Paul K. Leira, Client Concierge.” After that poorly written e-mail, I heard nothing back. There is a Paul Leira in Toronto who is, like Moeth Ahmed, a web designer and fan of luxurious things.
Dear Mr.Bill Wolfrum,
Thank you for your kind comments,
at interest at Amsia Motors.
It is much appreciated.
Please note, Mr.Ahmed the Global Sales & Marketing Director who signed the document is currently in Sete Lagoas.
We can put you in touch with him right away for a phone or skype interview.
Kindly snd us your local number and contact details.
We look forward to a great story and editorial from you.
Paul K. Leira
Representatives from Amsia Motors have come to Brazil promising billions of reals and thousands of jobs. They have taken advantage of a nation desperate for commerce. They have taken advantage of media outlets with no curiosity whatsoever. There is absolutely no proof or reason to believe that Amsia Motors has the ability to invest (Rs)$4 billion and run successful automobile factories. There is no proof that Amsia Motors actually exists. But there is plenty of proof that the Brazilian government and media has failed to do its job vetting Amsia Motors.
October 28, 2015
Look what showed up in my in-box:
For Immediate Release – October 28, 2015 –
“Denny Hastert Grips My Balls”
Filmmaker/Authors Predicted Hastert Scandal Six Years Ago
West Hollywood, California – On the day that former House Speaker Dennis Hastert pleaded guilty to paying hush money for “misconduct” as a high school wrestling coach, the authors of a satirical novel that predicted similar behavior in a chapter titled “Denny Hastert Grips My Balls,” announced that their publisher has added a second printing of their critically-acclaimed book. The 2009 Farrar, Straus, Giroux release, “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (wildly inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” by Dan Mirvish and Eitan Gorlin, also predicted the fracturization of the Republican Party, and scandals involving David Petraeus, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, Ehud Olmert, Pamela Geller, Sarah Palin and Paris Hilton.
“My clients, the Eisenstadt duo, have nailed it again. They can now claim to be the first political pundits to predict Denny Hastert’s fall from grace stemming from his wrestling past,” said Mirvish and Gorlin’s publicist Eli Perle, of Provocation Entertainment. “If you want to understand the history, present and future of the Republican party, this is the book for you.” The Hastert references, entirely fictional at the time, included a private sauna in his Capitol Hill office where he held private meetings and gave inappropriate massages.
“Of course, whatever Hastert’s real behavior might have been is regrettable and reprehensible, and we wish closure and justice for any of his victims,” said Mirvish. “Whether the FBI had read the book and was inspired to investigate, we can’t know for sure,” added Gorlin “We’re very excited that FSG is giving the novel its second printing. We couldn’t have asked for a better partner,” said Mirvish.
To quote one passage from the Hastert chapter in the book: “Next thing I knew I was in a tabletop stance with all of Denny’s body weight applied against my chest. ‘Ha, ha!’ barreled Denny. ‘I still got it. Join me for a sauna?’ ‘As soon as you let go of my balls.’ We laughed again. The ice had been broken. I was relieved. His massive, moisturizer-soft hand was still gripping my testicles.”
“I Am Martin Eisenstadt” (ISBN: 0865479143) was named the #3 Book of Year by the Washington Monthly Magazine (2009), and Eisenstadt himself was Time Magazine’s #8 Fleeting Celebrity of 2008. The book itself was part of a larger transmedia project that included TV, film and webseries elements, which saw Mirvish and Gorlin screen at the HBO Comedy Arts Festival and the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival. Other critical appraisal for the novel:
“Martin Eisenstadt’s new memoir…is essential reading for all political junkies.” – Ken Silverstein, Harper’s
“Consistently funny…Eisenstadt’s creators are shrewd observers of Washington, and they delight in sending up its countless absurdities, I intend it as real praise when I say that ‘I Am Martin Eisenstadt’ is the best fake memoir of the campaign season.” – Joshua Green, Atlantic Monthly
“Washington has no shortage of pundits who pretend to know what they’re talking about. But there’s a real dearth of pretend pundits — and even fewer who will talk about why they’re pretending in the first place.” – Rick Klein, ABC News
Mirvish and Gorlin are both award-winning filmmakers. Co-founder of the Slamdance Film Festival, Dan Mirvish is currently in pre-production on the film “Bernard and Huey,” with a screenplay by Oscar/Pulitzer winner Jules Feiffer. Eitan Gorlin continues to write scripts for film and television and is in pre-production on his latest independent feature, “Burbank Caviar.”
For more information or interview requests for Mirvish or Gorlin, please contact Eli Perle at Provocation Entertainment firstname.lastname@example.org or 323-863-3297. For inquiries regarding Farrar Straus Giroux, please contact Sarita Varma at 212-206-5327 or email@example.com.
August 29, 2015
June 16, 2015
The upcoming documentary “Michael Des Barres: Who Do You Want Me to Be?” began exactly 30 years ago. That’s when a 14-year-old J. Elvis Weinstein watched Live Aid – the mega-concert created to raise funds for to help the Ethiopian famine. The Duran Duran off-shoot band Power Station helped kicked off the festivities, but without lead singer Robert Palmer. Taking his place, in front of an estimated one billion people, was Michael Des Barres.
“I watched a lot of MTV, but I was like, ‘Who was is guy? Wasn’t he on WKRP?’” said Weinstein, who directed the film. “So he became a fascinating character to me because I hadn’t known about him and I dedicated myself to learning more.”
And there was plenty to learn. “Who Do You Want Me To Be?” showcases the unlikely, chaotic, strange and beautiful trip that has seen Des Barres go from a lower-middle class child in a one-parent home, to child actor to iconic rock star to actor and back again. Despite his rock-star cred, many know the 67-year-old only from one of his many acting roles, including on MacGyver, 21 Jump Street, WKRP in Cincinnati and countless other TV shows and movies. As Des Barres himself points out, there can’t be many other men in history who have played a concert in front of a billion people, and also acted with Alf.
And while Weinstein allows Des Barres to tell the story – and what a story it is – the documentary is as much a redemption tale as biography. Spending his early years as an entertainer often under contract – including a famed deal with Led Zepplin – Des Barres became more well known for his rock star party lifestyle than for his music, as he consumed as much cocaine as his wiry body would allow. In fact, Des Barres’ biggest hit as a song writer – “Obsession” – was written about his obsession with drugs.
Leaving his first wife for famed rock groupie Pamela Des Barres, the chaos continued. In 1981, just as it seemed drugs were preparing to win the battle against the boy from Sussex, Des Barres caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. With vanity that far exceeded his addiction, he stopped drugs, cold turkey. Weinstein said it was that decision that not only kept his career alive, but kept him in the good graces of many of his old friends.
“A big part of the reason he’s pulled it off was he got sober before everyone else,” said Weinstein, 44. “A lot of people are still very fond of him.”
Starting his career as a stand-up comedian and with a resume that includes being one of the originals of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theater cast, as well as being a writer and producer for the cult hit “Freaks & Geeks,” at first blush Weinstein might appear an odd choice to chronicle the life of a notorious rock star. But Weinstein – who recovered from kidney cancer in 2014 – said there had long been a part of him that felt connected with Des Barres.
“We both spent our life in show business. I started doing stand up at 15,” said Weinstein, who made his directorial debut with the film. “Like me, he’s at his happiest when he’s creating something. I mean, the guy did his best album (“Key to the Universe”) at 65.”
What helped make Des Barres even more fascinating to Weinstein was his kindness and interest in other people.
“Narcissistic brings out a bad connotation, but he is somewhat self-absorbed. It’s part of his personality,” said Weinstein, born and raised in Minneapolis, Minn. “But he is also absolutely generous wih the attention he gives other people, no matter their station in life.
“He’ll tell you this amazing story & then say, and what about you, tell me about you? He’s a junkie for moments. Him & another individual, an audience, a TV camera. He’s always searching for the moment. He will always make someone feel like a star,” said Weinstein.
“Michael Des Barres: Who Do You Want Me to Be?” is still in search of a distributor, but for Weinstein, the film has begun a new chapter in his life a director. Currently working on his second film, about stand-up comedy in Asia, Weinstein says he is only happy when he’s making something.
“I’ve been a head writer and I’ve always enjoyed being in charge,” laughed Weinstein. “There’s a lot of control freak in me. It’s not that I don’t like collaboration it’s just that I think I’m right, all the time.”
In the end, “Michael Des Barres: Who Do You Want Me to Be?” is a triumphant directorial debut for Weinstein. He wisely gets out of the way and allows Des Barres and a cadre of his hyper-famous friends discuss an iconic time and an iconic entertainer. The end result is not just an opportunity to look back at a time of sex, drugs and rock & roll, but a chance to see the true redemption story that is Michael des Barres.
May 18, 2015
If it weren’t for science, none of us would really know that cutting off a bug’s penis would hurt its reproduction chances. But now we know. Because of science.
Lopping off sections of a penis, for most species would involve serious injury and trauma (for some the mere thought of it might be enough)—but not so, apparently, for L. simulans. The males of these little bugs, which are typically just 11 millimeters or so in length, come equipped with a penis that is very nearly comical in its length, on average 7 mm, which for those keeping track, is in the neighborhood of two thirds of its body length (it drags the thing around beneath itself). Even more odd is that most of the penis, aka its intromittent organ, is bereft of nerves, muscles or even blood vessels. And even odder than that is the fact that the female organ into which the male places its appendage is much too short to accommodate such length. Thus, the researchers sought out to discover the reason for such a mismatch.
Actually, the size of my penis is somewhat comical, as well, but for different reasons. And if you cut off parts of it, I guarantee reproduction would cease being important to me.
January 8, 2015
Not an attack on free speech:
Know the difference.
December 30, 2014
Born on this date in 1667, First Mate was the highest position ever attained by Sir Arturo Felipe Crunch. He was only promoted by the British Navy to the position of Cap’n posthumously following his tragic death aboard the HMS Eagle during the Scilly Navel Disaster of 1707.
Crunch left a wife and four children.
October 26, 2014
The moment you realize you’re hanging out with the cool kids.
October 14, 2014
A long time ago (1975), in a boxing ring far away (Toronto), George Foremen beat five men in one night. And, wow, was it stupid. Read more about it here, in my first story at the site Medium.
October 13, 2014
DES MOINES – Local man Russ Thompson returned home to a hero’s welcome today, following his brave discovery of a local WalMart.
Thompson had set forth on his journey earlier in the day, after receiving orders from his Queen, Darla Thompson, his wife of 14 years. Thompson’s perilous voyage to the WalMart – located 17 blocks from his home – included battles with two street lights and an unforeseen sneeze that led him to briefly question his health.
“I’m pretty sure I caught something at the bowling alley last night,” said Thompson, a bowler. “Terry was looking like crap. I think he gave mea flu or something.”
Upon landing at the WalMart, Thompson was touched by the kindness of the native WalMartians.
“Everyone was so nice and so accommodating. They taught me so much,” said Thompson, 34.
After receiving their help and purchasing some of their items, Thompson attacked the WalMartians with full force, killing the vast majority of them using weapons he found in the store. Nearly the all the rest had been infected by the flu which originated with Thompson’s bowling companion Terry. Thompson then claimed the WalMart as his own.
Despite the carnage, Thompson was met at home with open, adoring arms.
“He really is a hero,” said Darla Thompson. “I needed those Oreos and I needed them immediately. Russ did what he had to do.”
For his part, Thompson said people just need to chill out and enjoy the day.
“You could call it genocide, I guess. If you want to be a dick about it,” said Thompson, a Virgo. “I’ll let history judge me.”
October 13, 2014
Feeling flaccid? Feeling like there’s nothing left for you to fear? Has your penis stopped working?
Well, maybe ISIS & the Ebola Virus are for you. Yes, ISIS & Ebola have proven they can terrify some men into having erections they’ve been missing since Obama dumped bin Laden into the sea.
Think about it. Remember those heady days or 2001? The 9/11 attacks? Anthrax? Al Qaeda? Remember how hard it got you? Well, now you can relive those fantastic Fearections all over again with ISIS & Ebola.
So get out there today and watch random news shows about ISIS & Ebola. The misinformation and hyperbole will be all you need to be back in the ballgame.
Don’t talk to your doctor about ISIS & Ebola. Just listen to what everyone’s saying and let the fear wash over you. ISIS & Ebola – They’ll make your dick hard.
October 13, 2014
America did not become the greatest nation in the history of nations by trusting science. In a nation noted for its partisan divides, it is this distrust of science that has taken the United States to the top of the mountain. Whether it is conservative mistrust of Climate change or liberal suspicion of vaccines, America is defined by the belief that scientists are nefarious cranks bent on world domination and the death of our babies and economy.
This is why Americans are disinterested in what science has to say about the Ebola Virus. Because science has proven they are illegal gangsters solely beholden to the overthrow of America. Think about it, today all scientists say man is creating a climate nightmare due to global warming. But just 40 years ago or so, there was once one article in a magazine that said the Earth was cooling. There’s only one way to explain that – scientists are big fat liars.
Or take vaccines. Today, Big Pharma and its band of paid science monkeys say that multiple diseases and ailments have been wiped out due to childhood vaccines. But important Hollywood people like Rob Schneider – who was in the movie “Jack & Jill” – have stated that vaccines cause autism, mind control and various other ailments. Who is correct, science – which has always been wrong about everything or Rob Schneider – who is an actor in movies sometimes?
The choice here is clear.
So while science will have you believe that the only way to get the Ebola Virus is to have direct contact with a patient and that “All cases of human illness or death from Ebola have occurred in Africa,” we, as Americans are aware of the truth - the Ebola Virus is going to rapidly kill every last man, woman and child on the planet. Unless we attack it America-style.
This is why we have created this 5-step method on how to defeat Ebola in the United States.
1) Eliminate all science from the equation. By not having a Surgeon General and having a Fox News, the U.S. is off to a strong start. Stifling science and instead going with the more reliable “gut instinct” means the battle against Ebola is being won.
2) Shout angrily shrill messages at the Virus. Calling it a lazy “taker” that wants only to live off others will slowly sap the virus of its will and leave it weak and malleable. Also, call the Ebola Virus a hypocrite repeatedly. No living organism can withstand being called a hypocrite.
3) Stop giving “scientists” any type of funding. If they want to “cure” Ebola, let them raise the money themselves.
4) Stop vaccinating your children. Vaccinations exist. The Ebola Virus exists. Only a true Sheeple would think that these two things aren’t interconnected.
5) Kill or imprison all atheists. Ebola is never mentioned in the Bible, thus it is a secular disease. Outlawing atheism means you are outlawing Ebola.
Some may scoff at this plan of attack, but those people are usually scientists who get money from Big Pharma and want to destroy the United States government for reasons that are probably really awful, like communism or cannibalism.
In the end, it comes down to this: You could listen to communist cannibal scientists on the take and follow prevention protocols. or you can be a real American, ignore science completely, and survive using your own common sense. Or you will die a horrifying death, bleeding from the eyes. Because that’s what science wants. To control you and population with Ebola.
Or it’s Obama trying to get attention off of Benghazi. Either way, be afraid but be American.
July 14, 2014
“Fuck you, Jughead! I watched Veronica die. I was there. And I watched her die. I watched her overdose and choke to death. I could have saved her. But I didn’t.”
Jughead staggered back. He looked shocked and hurt and confused. And I did not give a shit.
“Now it’s your turn, motherfucker,” I said, lunging at him.
Some explanation is in order. I was just a kid, man. Just a red-headed kid from Riverdale. From the outside, we were the perfect town. On the inside, so much darker. Take, Moose for example. By the way, did you know his name was Marmaduke Merton Matowski Mason? Seriously. What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, Moose is an All-City football star and everyone thinks he’s kinda slow but cool. In reality, he guzzles steroids like Tic-Tacs and goes up into the hills to slaughter helpless animals. dude is messed up. Seriously, someone needs to do something about him.
So, anyway, I’m Archie Andrews. And I was just a normal kid. Until Mr. Weatherbee decided to take me down. Well, decided to try and take me down. Because I learned something about myself. I don’t lose. Ever.
I was selling high-grade heroin out of the back of Reggie’s van. I had just sold a bag to two 11-year-olds I really didn’t give a fuck anymore. Reggie was blowing up my cell phone, but fuck him, with his hands all over Veronica, don’t think I didn’t see that.
Listen, I could have let Weatherbee suspend me for three days, all right? But that’s permanent record, shit. And I’m no one’s bitch. Especially not Weatherbee’s.
“Weatherbee’s dead,” I told Betty. She didn’t look shocked.
“Nothing you do surprises me anymore,” she said. “You’re a monster.”
Betty was right, but fuck her anyway. I had given her the best few weeks of my life. And when things get tough, she turns on me. Well, not this time.
“Listen, bit …,” I started, but was knocked back by Moose. My beautiful, loyal Moose. My beautiful, loyal, wrecked on steroids Moose. Who was now calling the police on me, his Archie. Fuck that. I grabbed the baby and ran.
My grip tightened as I saw the life drain from Jughead’s eyes. The final witness was dead. I was free. I took the briefcase with the $25 million inside. Vegas, bitchez.
I’m Archie Andrews. And I did it all for me.
July 7, 2014
The moment I saw him, I knew something was different. He was a giant, in his way, and he seemed to be involved in everything. He was no ordinary man. He was a person. He was General Electric.
“We bring good things to life,” General Electric told me. And I believed him.
We had only been partners a short while when we were given the case that would change us forever. A family had stopped paying its bills. All of its bills. You could see from his eyes that the General was thrown off by this. Hell, so was I. Who wouldn’t be? This family had stopped paying its electric bills, water bills, gas bills, credit card bills, you name it. It was creepy. And it affected the General deeply.
“That’s imagination at work,” said the General.
As time went on, I came to understand the General more. Paying bills was like a religion to him.
“The Constitution, man. It’s all there. It’s all in there,” GE told me one time. “Capitalism is my God, man. The Constitution repsects my God and who I am? And who am I? Who cares? Why am I a man and not a woman? Well, that should be obvious, but my religious rights will be protected. And bills will be paid.”
He did that, the General. Go off on long diatribes that meant absolutely nothing. And all the while he was talking, he’d be selling arms to
despotic regimes. Dude was messed up.
We left to go pay a visit to this strange family that refused to pay its bills. I’d be lying if I said I was scared. This wasn’t normal. This was like, stuff non-persons did.
We arrived there at noon.
“It’s like, man, I’m a bank. Did you know that, man? A freakin’ bank? I mean, that’s where most my money comes from, right? Hell, what is that? It’s like this, man, I am the storm and I am the sunshine. Simultaneously man … ”
“Ok, for god’s sake, stop,” I said. “We’ve been here 20 minutes. Let’s go to the door.”
At the door we were greeted by Bucky Dentson.
“Seems like a lazy name,” said the General, but I ignored him.
“Listen, Mr. Dentson, it says here that you haven’t paid a single bill in more than five months. We gotta know why,” I said.
Dentson was maybe 50 years old but he looked far older. He looked tired, beaten down from life. It was as though he had worked so hard to be good but the bad had still taken charge.
“Martha … my wife … she died,” said Dentson, breaking down and sobbing, looking for all the world a pathetic and beaten man.
And General Electric leaped out at him with a knife and stabbed at him violently, slashing away at Dentson until he was not just dead but impossible to even identify as a human.
“Well, ok, we’re done here,” said General Electric, dripping blood.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” I asked.
“Oh stop it,” said the General. “It had to be done. Order and whatnot. You want to get Mexican on the way in?”
I was stunned.
“I gotta arrest you, man. Don’t you understand that?”
“That woud be a mistake,” the General said, chuckling. “I mean, first of all, who are you going to arrest? Right? I’m too big, regardless. This is just the price of business. Besides, respect my religious rights.
The General laughed evilly. “It’s like you never for once thought what the OPPOSITE of “We Bring Good Things to Life” means.”
I walked to the car. I knew all he said was true. I knew the rules had long ago changed. But it still ate at me.
“But you want it both ways. You want all the rights and all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being human,” I said. I was exasperated. “Why do you get to have it all?”
“Listen, once there was only dark,” said General Electric, absentmindedly kicking the sludge that was Buck Dentson. “But then we invented green.”
“If you ask me, the green is winning.”