William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

The brilliant Nicaraguan boxer Alexis Arguello has died of an apparent suicide. From ESPN:

MANAGUA, Nicaragua — Alexis Arguello, who fought in one of boxing’s most classic brawls and reigned supreme at 130 pounds, was found dead at his home early Wednesday.

Coroners were conducting an autopsy to determine the cause of death. Sandanista Party’s Radio Ya and other local media were reporting it appeared to be a suicide.

The La Prensa newspaper reported that Arguello — elected mayor of Nicaragua’s capital last year — was found with a gunshot wound to the chest.

The 57-year-old Arguello retired in 1995 with a record of 82-8 with 65 knockouts and was a champion in three weight divisions. He was perhaps best known for two thrilling battles with Aaron Pryor and fights with Ray Mancini, Bobby Chacon and Ruben Olivares.

“I’m kind of in a daze right now,” Pryor told The Associated Press. “Those were great fights we had. This was a great champion.”

Nicknamed “The Explosive Thin Man,” Arguello was inducted in 1992 into the International Boxing Hall of Fame, where flags were flying at half-staff in his honor Wednesday.

Hundreds of people lined up to say goodbye to Arguello Wednesday night at a memorial service at the Palace of Culture in the capital of Nicaragua.

In a two-week stretch that has seen a spate of celebrity deaths, the death of Arguello is the only one that has left me with an ache in the pit of my stomach. While I often credit Sugar Ray Leonard as the man who drew me in to boxing, it was Arguello who truly made me love the sport.

The 1980s was a high time for boxing, as all three major networks featured amazing boxing matches every weekend. And no boxer was more of a deserved darling of these boxing shows than Arguello. His boxing style imitated his personal style - pure class. And his right cross was one of the most beautiful and devastating punches the sport ever witnessed. Arguello beat several respected champions throughout his stellar career, including Ruben Olivares, Bobby Chacon, Rafael Limon and Ray Mancini.

It was the victory over Mancini that truly showed many U.S. fans the brilliance and class of Arguello. Mancini was a huge fan favorite, and even though he was brutally dispatched by Arguello in a tough fight, the respect and caring Arguello showed Mancini and his family was unprecedented. Arguello went on to fight two amazing - albeit losing - battles with the mercurial Aaron Pryor, but showed the same strength of character in losing as he did winning.

More than just a boxer, Arguello long battled political corruption and civil strife in his beloved Nicaragua, and at the time of his death was the mayor of Managua. Despite the fact that his nation had stolen his life earnings and made his life hell, Arguello - who literally battled the Contras alongside his fellow Nicaraguans - was one of Nicaragua’s most respected ambassadors.

Alexis Arguello was a champion in nearly every way a man can be a champion. He was a gentleman who was a credit to boxing, and to Nicaragua. Arguello always fought the good fight, and the world is a better place for his being part of it.

–WKW

Hoping to ease the concerns of leading gay and lesbian groups regarding his inconsistent policies on gay civil rights, President Barack Obama has today taken a bold step to alter the U.S. Military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy.

“After hours of research, we believe we have come up with a plan that should give the gay community the security they need to have a career in the U.S. military,” said Obama. “We have met the opposition on this issue half way, now all we require is that members of the U.S. military keep their gayness to a minimum.”

Among the things the new DATGDT policy will require gay males to avoid: Flouncing, Traipsing, Gossiping and 12-pack abs. For lesbians, the new policy only requires women to “Act like the character Casey Seeger from the film ‘Officer and a Gentleman.’”

Obama said that DATGDT may be confusing to many at first, there were simple ways to make it more understandable.

“Take the show ‘Will & Grace,’ for example,” said Obama. “If you are male and act like Will, you’re fine. If you act like Jack, you’re fired.”

Obama added that lesbian members of the military should do their best to act like former “Sex and the City” star Cynthia Nixon. “Should gay and lesbian recruits be unable to follow these simple straight-friendly rules, they will be summarily and publicly terminated,” the new policy reads.

Gates said that while he’d really, really like to end DADT, it’s based on federal laws and the Executive Branch is never, ever allowed to break the law, lest they surely be impeached and convicted.

“What we have is a law — be it a policy or a regulation — and as I discovered when I got into it, it’s a very prescriptive law. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination for a lot of flexibility. And so one of the things we’re looking at — is there flexibility in how we apply this law?” said Gates.

Obama said that he believed that his non-partisan approach to fixing DADT would make everyone happy in the end.

“While promoting equal rights is vital to my presidency, we must keep in mind this is a diverse nation,” said Obama. “Many will only accept gays and lesbians in the military as long as they don’t act too gay or lesbiany.”

Gates and Obama confirmed that the new DATGDT policy will take affect some time following the 2012 presidential elections.

–WKW

“The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States. Because it’s gonna take a grass roots, bottom up pressure. Because these politicians prize their office, prize the praise of the media and the Europeans… Only Osama can execute an attack which will force Americans to demand that their government protect them effectively, consistently, and with as much violence as necessary.”

– Former CIA analyst Michael Scheuer to an agreeable Glenn Beck.

–WKW

Ok, count me in as a fan of the Web Comic xkcd:

HT Auguste

–WKW

For all the column inches and TV time given to promoting the need to attack Iraq, the beginning of the (sort of) pull out of U.S. troops from Iraq has been met with the resounding sound of crickets from the U.S. media.

–WKW

NEVERLAND - Several children that had been molested by recently deceased pop star Michael Jackson have come forward to express their thoughts on his death. While none of Jackson’s victims would use their real names out of fear of retaliation from Jackson’s fans, most marveled at the “King of Pop’s” legendary musical careers.

“He was such an amazing talent,” said Bob Jones, now 23 and living in a box underneath the Santa Monica Freeway. “Sure, I still have terrible nightmares, but he really revolutionized pop music.”

Another of Jackson’s former victims came forward to state that Jackson’s legacy should be all about the music.

“I’ve been drunk for the last 14 years, but from what I’ve heard, I haven’t missed much from him,” said Joe Smith, now 24 and living in a San Jose halfway house. “But seriously, his early work was magnificent.”

At least one other of Jackson’s victims praised his dancing ability.

“I mean, the guy created the Moonwalk,” said Ted Lyons, now 26 and residing in San Quentin Prison for a variety of crimes. “It’s pretty much impossible for me to have a relationship due to the horrifying trust issues I’ve had to deal with since I knew Michael, but if I ever had a child, I’d teach him some of MJ’s dance moves.”

In other news, more of Jackson’s surviving victims - several long ago committed suicide and were unavailable for comment - are getting together to write a tribute book to Jackson entitled “Michael Jackson: He Molested Us and Ruined Our Lives, But Thriller was Freakin’ Awesome.”

–WKW

ROME, Italy — Scientific tests of bones housed in the Basilica of St. Paul in Rome are those of the apostle St. Paul himself, according to Pope Benedict XVI, thus proving once and for all that the pontiff is utterly full of crap.

“Tiny fragments of bone” in the sarcophagus were subjected to carbon dating, showing they “belong to someone who lived in the first or second century,” the pope said. “This seems to confirm the unanimous and undisputed tradition that these are the mortal remains of the Apostle St. Paul.”

The scientific community was quick to respond to Benedict’s claims.

“This supposed scientific discovery helps us better understand the Pontiff,” said a scientist who refused to give his name due to the stories overreaching. “By using the scientific method, we can now claim with 99.9 percent accuracy that the Pope is totally full of crap.”

Nonetheless, the Vatican is standing by its claims, stating that their faith has been bolstered by nonsensical scientific facts.

“We’re positive this is St. Paul,” said a Vatican spokesman. “We also found some weeds out back that have been carbon tested and are very likely the bones of Satan himself.”

Non-Catholics have also devised their own scientific tests to help learn more about the Pontiff.

“We just found some artifacts that prove that the Pope is a supporter of Holocaust deniers and homophobes,” said the Very Revered Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss. “We really feel that all this new data paints a broad picture of a Pope who is completely and utterly full of shit.”

–WKW

I needed a little puppy-in-a-cup to help recover from the disappointment of the U.S. loss to Brazil in the Confederations Cup. Still, no matter how much my Brazilian wife is now talking trash, it was a tremendous showing by the U.S. Soccer team. They leave South Africa proud and confident, with a year to prepare and improve for the 2010 World Cup. Bravo to the U.S. squad for an eye-opening performance.

–WKW

Let me just say that the Grand Canyon was truly impressed with seeing me for the first time.

–WKW

“My friends, we are living in progressive times and being led by a progressive leader. In fact, President Barack Obama is so progressive, he constantly reaches his hand out to non-progressives, even if he generally only pulls back a bloody stump.

But Obama’s almost maddening need to reach bipartisan consensus on many issues means that results are right around the corner. Nowhere is this more evident than in the fight for gay civil rights. Obama - knowing America is a diverse nation - has simultaneously called gays and lesbians pedophiles, as well as calling himself a fierce advocate for gay rights. And while many feel that by playing both sides of the fence, Obama is destined to leave everyone displeased, I believe the exact opposite is true.

Because gay rights is a very sticky political issue, and it would be crazy for Obama to adopt the far-left platform on them. It would likely be even crazier if he even did what he said he’d do when he was but a candidate for President. But this should not be a problem for the President. By appealing to all voting-aged Americans on the gay civil rights issue, Obama can make all voting-aged Americans happy and more liberated.

In the end, it will all have to break down to percentages. Due to the vast array of opinions on these issues, this will give gays and lesbians the most politically feasible civil rights they can ever hope for in a nation like the United States. Going over public opinion, I have created a basic framework for how Obama can give a percentage of gays and lesbians the rights they deserve, while giving civil rights opponents the opportunities to hate that they so cherish:

Gay Civil Rights By The Numbers

70 percent of all gays and lesbians will be allowed to have civil unions with same-sex partners.

60 percent of all gays and lesbians will be allowed to have same-sex marriages.

50 percent of all gay and lesbian marriages or civil unions will be respected by other states.

40 percent of all gays and lesbians in the military will be allowed to honestly disclose their sexuality without being fired.

30 percent of all gay and lesbian couples will be allowed to adopt.

25 percent of all gays and lesbians will be protected by Anti-discrimination laws.

20 percent of all gays and lesbians will not be allowed to use public restrooms.

10 percent of all gays and lesbians will be forced to accept angry homophobes screaming “faggot” right in their faces.

8 percent of all gays and lesbians will be forced to accept physical violence against them by angry, violent homophobes.

3 percent of all gays and lesbians will be allowed to be murdered by angry, violent, psychopathic homophobes.

As you can see, this comprehensive list of new gay civil rights will appeal to all Americans, from the 60 percent that favor gay marriage, to the three percent of Americans who want to kill gays and lesbians. At first blush, this list may seem unfair to gays and lesbians, but gay civil rights is not about actual gays and lesbians - its about Barack Obama’s favorability numbers. By appealing to all Americans on gay civil rights, Obama will continue his reign as a popular president who is willing to reach across any aisle, or throw any of his supporters under the bus.

In the end, we will see if the percentage plan passes through Congress. If it does, then Obama needs to follow the same blueprint in his battle for healthcare. One could easily envision a scenario of allowing 50 percent of all uninsured Americans die (which would cut the number of uninsured Americans in half) while giving insurance companies 100 percent of profits (which would make lobbyists happy.)

We will see how it all plays out. But what’s most important is that Obama stays away from doing things on “principle” or avoids his own personal “morality.” In a complex nation like the U.S., such things are just words. What matters is that Obama does whatever it takes to make all voting-aged Americans happy when it comes to gay civil rights. We can all worry about how actual gays and lesbians feel about it all later. Because one day, a leader will come forward that believes more in civil rights than in votes. And we know that day won’t come for at least another four years.

Thank you and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

–WKW

Over the last year, I’ve worked on several stories involving Internet hoaxes, including the Martin Eisenstadt hoax and the Ben & Jerry’s “CyClone Dairy” hoax. On a couple of these stories, I’ve had the pleasure of working with journalist Diane Tucker of The Huffington Post. Tucker, who takes journalism quite seriously, has given Huffpo readers the inside scoop on some of these stories.

Of course, these days, Tucker may need to look at The Huffington Post itself, as the prominent liberal news site has taken to giving its readers a fake out of its own. According to Wired, Huffpo - as well as Salon - has taken to running “advertorials.” The only thing about these advertorials - which are generally plainly marked as advertisements in newspapers and magazines - is that they take the form of real stories from real news sites.

From Wired:

That “News5Alert” ran in a rotating ad spot on HuffPost last week, though it was not identified as an ad. Clicking on it took you to a story from “News 5″ in Sacramento — which is not a TV station — revealing how one Mary Steadman now makes $6,500 a month working from home, thanks to an internet course called Google Home Income.

The story has art, it has a sidebar, there’s weather, supposed reader comments — even ads. Steadman is described as “a mother from San Francisco” — at least, when I read the article. Thanks to cutting-edge reporting techniques perfected by News 5, she will automatically move to the geolocation of your internet IP address when you read it. Look, she lives right in your neighborhood!

Salon displayed a similar ad yesterday, showing a newspaper clipping with the headline, “Can You Really Work Online at Home? We Investigate This Trend.”

Read the whole story from Wired and decide for yourself whether or not Huffpo has crossed a line between news and hucksterism. Personally, I go with the latter. Because while making money in the news biz is no easy feat, tricking readers out of their hard-earned money is the stuff of low-brow tabloids, not for the biggest news web site on the planet.

–WKW

TMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson - whose career has showcased both his musical genius as well as his personal flaws and demons - has died at the age of 50. While reports still are coming in about Jackson - who suffered cardiac arrest - now’s a time to remember just how gifted he was. Here is his first-ever single, “I want you back.”

–WKW

John Cole has a pretty accurate breakdown of the ever-changing talking points on the economy that the GOP is endlessly running up flagpoles.

New wingnut talking point: Stimulus bill hidden sexist attack on America’s testicles by ball-busting abortion-having lesbian feminists.

Read the whole thing here.

–WKW

–WKW

I didn’t get to see the game due to traveling, but I am as shocked as anyone and as pleased as most. Just a stunning result over a Spain team that has been untouchable. And earning a spot in the Confederations Cup final? Truly amazing.

I guess I picked the wrong week to slam Landon Donovan and U.S. Soccer. In fact, the team has done little wrong since I hit “publish” on that post. And I couldn`t be happier.

–WKW