July 14, 2014
“Fuck you, Jughead! I watched Veronica die. I was there. And I watched her die. I watched her overdose and choke to death. I could have saved her. But I didn’t.”
Jughead staggered back. He looked shocked and hurt and confused. And I did not give a shit.
“Now it’s your turn, motherfucker,” I said, lunging at him.
Some explanation is in order. I was just a kid, man. Just a red-headed kid from Riverdale. From the outside, we were the perfect town. On the inside, so much darker. Take, Moose for example. By the way, did you know his name was Marmaduke Merton Matowski Mason? Seriously. What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, Moose is an All-City football star and everyone thinks he’s kinda slow but cool. In reality, he guzzles steroids like Tic-Tacs and goes up into the hills to slaughter helpless animals. dude is messed up. Seriously, someone needs to do something about him.
So, anyway, I’m Archie Andrews. And I was just a normal kid. Until Mr. Weatherbee decided to take me down. Well, decided to try and take me down. Because I learned something about myself. I don’t lose. Ever.
I was selling high-grade heroin out of the back of Reggie’s van. I had just sold a bag to two 11-year-olds I really didn’t give a fuck anymore. Reggie was blowing up my cell phone, but fuck him, with his hands all over Veronica, don’t think I didn’t see that.
Listen, I could have let Weatherbee suspend me for three days, all right? But that’s permanent record, shit. And I’m no one’s bitch. Especially not Weatherbee’s.
“Weatherbee’s dead,” I told Betty. She didn’t look shocked.
“Nothing you do surprises me anymore,” she said. “You’re a monster.”
Betty was right, but fuck her anyway. I had given her the best few weeks of my life. And when things get tough, she turns on me. Well, not this time.
“Listen, bit …,” I started, but was knocked back by Moose. My beautiful, loyal Moose. My beautiful, loyal, wrecked on steroids Moose. Who was now calling the police on me, his Archie. Fuck that. I grabbed the baby and ran.
My grip tightened as I saw the life drain from Jughead’s eyes. The final witness was dead. I was free. I took the briefcase with the $25 million inside. Vegas, bitchez.
I’m Archie Andrews. And I did it all for me.
July 7, 2014
The moment I saw him, I knew something was different. He was a giant, in his way, and he seemed to be involved in everything. He was no ordinary man. He was a person. He was General Electric.
“We bring good things to life,” General Electric told me. And I believed him.
We had only been partners a short while when we were given the case that would change us forever. A family had stopped paying its bills. All of its bills. You could see from his eyes that the General was thrown off by this. Hell, so was I. Who wouldn’t be? This family had stopped paying its electric bills, water bills, gas bills, credit card bills, you name it. It was creepy. And it affected the General deeply.
“That’s imagination at work,” said the General.
As time went on, I came to understand the General more. Paying bills was like a religion to him.
“The Constitution, man. It’s all there. It’s all in there,” GE told me one time. “Capitalism is my God, man. The Constitution repsects my God and who I am? And who am I? Who cares? Why am I a man and not a woman? Well, that should be obvious, but my religious rights will be protected. And bills will be paid.”
He did that, the General. Go off on long diatribes that meant absolutely nothing. And all the while he was talking, he’d be selling arms to
despotic regimes. Dude was messed up.
We left to go pay a visit to this strange family that refused to pay its bills. I’d be lying if I said I was scared. This wasn’t normal. This was like, stuff non-persons did.
We arrived there at noon.
“It’s like, man, I’m a bank. Did you know that, man? A freakin’ bank? I mean, that’s where most my money comes from, right? Hell, what is that? It’s like this, man, I am the storm and I am the sunshine. Simultaneously man … ”
“Ok, for god’s sake, stop,” I said. “We’ve been here 20 minutes. Let’s go to the door.”
At the door we were greeted by Bucky Dentson.
“Seems like a lazy name,” said the General, but I ignored him.
“Listen, Mr. Dentson, it says here that you haven’t paid a single bill in more than five months. We gotta know why,” I said.
Dentson was maybe 50 years old but he looked far older. He looked tired, beaten down from life. It was as though he had worked so hard to be good but the bad had still taken charge.
“Martha … my wife … she died,” said Dentson, breaking down and sobbing, looking for all the world a pathetic and beaten man.
And General Electric leaped out at him with a knife and stabbed at him violently, slashing away at Dentson until he was not just dead but impossible to even identify as a human.
“Well, ok, we’re done here,” said General Electric, dripping blood.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” I asked.
“Oh stop it,” said the General. “It had to be done. Order and whatnot. You want to get Mexican on the way in?”
I was stunned.
“I gotta arrest you, man. Don’t you understand that?”
“That woud be a mistake,” the General said, chuckling. “I mean, first of all, who are you going to arrest? Right? I’m too big, regardless. This is just the price of business. Besides, respect my religious rights.
The General laughed evilly. “It’s like you never for once thought what the OPPOSITE of “We Bring Good Things to Life” means.”
I walked to the car. I knew all he said was true. I knew the rules had long ago changed. But it still ate at me.
“But you want it both ways. You want all the rights and all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being human,” I said. I was exasperated. “Why do you get to have it all?”
“Listen, once there was only dark,” said General Electric, absentmindedly kicking the sludge that was Buck Dentson. “But then we invented green.”
“If you ask me, the green is winning.”
June 11, 2014
Announcement from William K. Wolfrum:
My friends, the world is a complicated place, full of problems. More problems than I care to list, really, but you get the idea. I mean, you know. FULL of problems.
Now, I like the idea of being a good guy who cares about things. I talk a pretty good game. But the reality is, I’m sort of a narcissistic jerk. The fact that I can admit that makes me a better person than you, but that’s getting a little ticky-tack. Basically, helping out in the world is a pain in the ass. It requires travel and exertion and thinking and not watching “Survivor.” Not helping out is way, way better. But that’s too selfish. So, I’ve decided I must do something.
Lately, I’ve read a couple articles about how for years people have not been taking their full antibiotics prescriptions. This is resulting in an increasing ineffectiveness in the antibiotics as disease bacteria start figuring out their passwords. Or something to that effect. Essentially, what it means is that sooner or later, antibiotics will be useless to humanity and we’ll all die horrible deaths from infection.
So, here’s the deal: From here on out, I will always take all the antibiotics prescribed to me. I admit it, I haven’t before. I was totally part of the problem. But not now. Now I’m part of the solution. Now, I’m helping, not hindering humanity. I’m doing my part. Or at least I will be if and when I’m next prescribed antibiotics. But don’t expect more. I’m probably already doing more than you.
In conclusion, get off my back already.
May 28, 2014
GUNLANDIA, U.S. — Mark Hanson broke down and sobbed when he saw the carnage. He saw his son and the anger exploded inside of him.
“How could this happen!?” screamed Hanson.
Hanson reached down and picked up the mangled pieces of his now dead gun.
“I just don’t know how I’ll go on,” said Hanson.
It was at approximately 8:15 p.m. last Thursday when 4-year-old Tommy Hanson found his father’s pistol and began playing with it. After an hour of disassembling the gun and then smacking it against a brick, the pistol was effectively useless.
“This was not my child’s fault,” said Mark Hanson. “This is the fault of gun manufacturers making a product that can be broken by a child.”
Since his gun was destroyed, Hanson has become a gun activist, demanding better regulation on guns an gun quality. He said he is planning to speak with representatives of the gun industry early next Wednesday.
“How am I supposed to stay safe, when a child can destroy my gun?” said Hanson. “It’s time for the government to do something. Only a good gun law can protect a gun from a bad child.”
For his part, Tommy Hanson has apologized to his father, and admitted that the gun was much easier to take apart than his father’s hunting rifles, which is his usual toy.
More on this story when it develops.
March 10, 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. – More than 42,000 scientists across the globe – including such luminaries as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking – have been arrested for hour laundering in a world-wide sting, sources say.
“They got them all, finally,” said the source. “Finally, this terror ends.”
The arrests take place following a six-hour investigation by House Republicans in the U.S. The results of the investigation unearthed a massive conspiracy that included thousands of scientists across the globe. Reports show that the scientists were arrested for hoarding hours left over after Daylight Savings Time in Spring. The scientists would then put those hours in a high-yield account. In the Fall, the hours would be paid back, however the interested accumulated was held on to by the scientists.
These extra hours were then laundered by the scientists, and used for such things as spreading global climate change disinformation and investing in making Bill Nye a big celebrity.
“I think we’ve all known scientists are the real enemies,” said a clearly pleased House GOP watchdog Darrell Issa. “Think of all those lost hours? Education truly is evil.”
The criminal enterprise of Daylight Savings Time has been cancelled, and all Americans will need to send a extra hour back to the government, or wait for a possible refund of an hour from the government. The return could take between six-to-eight weeks.
Sources say the Hour Laundering Scam™ began in 1897 under the watchful eye of scientist Percival Lowell, who believed extra hours could be funneled through canals on Mars. Despite being widely discredited, Lowell eventually used hours he had hoarded in order to get Arizona to name a really nice observatory after him.
The unspoken tradition of hour laundering among scientists has continued since then, with famed scientists such as Isaac Newton – who wasted all his hours on alchemy experiments – taking part (The extra hours could be used to go back in time to include scientists from prior generations).
“So, basically, all scientists from all of history are guilty,” said Issa. “Wow. Seriously, I never think these things will amount anything. This one, tho? Wow.”
Tyson – one of the most famous scientists on the planet – was unable to comment on the story, as it’s still not Daylight Savings Time in the zone he’s in, and the story has yet to break.
February 26, 2014
Jack’s still here. More than 14 years since my wife picked him out, the shivering runt of the litter, in Evansville, Indiana. Since then Jack has lived in California and in Brazil. Jack is a dog well traveled.
I’m writing of Jack to stop the trend of feeling I need to write about my dogs when they die. I’ve done it before for Max and Duchess. I don’t want to do that any more. Especially for Jack. Because Jack is to be remembered for living.
I met Jack when he was two, and would joke with my wife that he would either lead a long life or die in some horrible way. Because Jack loves all people. But hates all other dogs. And isn’t all that fond of the limitations put on living things by physics. Jack – a Boston Terrier – has tried to attack two full-grown Great Danes. He fought Duchess – an Australian Shepherd twice his size – several times. Since he was about the age of five, Jack has been cut off from all other dogs.
Mind you, while Jack seeks to dominate all other dogs, his love of all humans and obedience is utterly pure. As my wife has said, Jack loves her, me, and then all other humans are tied for third. He has always been over-the-moon happy when around people and when receiving attention.
Jack was also blessed with unbelievable athleticism. In his prime he could jump over anything and run faster than the wind. His youth was spent in a jump with no clear plan of where he’d land.
Jack has always been our special dog. He’s not the sharpest of blades. This was even more noticeable when he was growing up with Max, who was an exceedingly intelligent little dog. Jack took years to house train. He destroyed three couches. He had energy enough to fuel six dogs. He was shockingly strong. And he was joyful in his madness.
And Jack’s still here, and acting like he wants to stick around awhile yet. Age has affected him as it must affect us all. Cataracts have taken most of his site, rendering his athleticism dormant. His hearing is shot. His sense of smell isn’t so great, either. He’s by no means decrepit, however. He still has a shocking amount of energy and will spend hours walking around the house, following whoever happens by him.
Jack’s life is one of shadows and routine now. He wakes up at the same time daily. He naps in the sun until he’s blazing hot, something he’s always loved. He enjoys his naps and comforts. He remains strong. Life has given him more savvy. He remains fearless. He is blissfully unaware that life has given him any disadvantages.
I’m petting Jack now. He’s happy and nappy and enjoying his life. And my wife and I are thrilled that Jack’s still here.
February 25, 2014
KIEV – “Protest This!™” a revolutionary new App that promises to help users easily meet and assemble against unpopular regimes, was shot down like a dog today in the streets of Kiev.
“Wow. Never saw that coming,” said App creator Nick Johnson, 20, from his parents’ home in Cleveland. “That’s messed up.”
After being shot by Ukrainian authorities, “Protest This!™” was then dragged through the streets, and eventually mutilated behind a meat-packing plant. No other information is available.
“Dude,” said Johnson.
February 25, 2014
CLEVELAND – UPS driver Tim Johnston woke up one day last week with a feeling of dread. A feeling that things just weren’t right. So often he felt this way but never spoke up about it. But this time, he wasn’t going to let it pass. This time, he was going to speak out.
“Gravity is BS,” said Johnston. “I’ve thought about this for awhile and it just doesn’t add up.”
Johnston said he based his anti-Law-of-Gravity theory on the simple fact that not all things are not constantly falling all the time.
“Kinda seems like that’s what would happen if gravity were real, right?” said Johnston, 47. “I mean, that’s how it feels to me.”
Johnston’s announcement caused a commotion in the entertainment/science industry. ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & Fox News (“Gravity: Stop Being a Slave”) have all announced new news/science/entertainment specials that will address this building dissent over gravity’s effects.
CNN also announced it will feature a two-hour, primetime debate between renowned entertainer/activist/scientist/TV Personality Bill Nye and Johnston. Nye said this was an opportunity to educate the public.
“Science!” said Nye, who then pushed a button that made his bow tie spin.
Others have joined Johnston’s call.
“[Gravity] was filmed on a soundstage by the government!” said citizen Raul Pudd, pounding his fists and with spittle flying everywhere.
For Johnston, the attention has been worth it as he tries to bring attention to what some have called “The Greatest Hoax in American History.”
“It just feels wrong, right?” said Johnston, a Capricorn. “This is one of those things that liberals believe that’s just BS. I mean, it’s just a theory.”
CNN chief Jeff Zucker said he was glad to see his network begin to take shape in his image.
“This is what the people want,” said Zucker, who announced that one lucky debate viewer will win a free trip to Tucson, Arizona. “People are asking questions.
“Is gravity America’s greatest hoax, or not?” added Zucker. “That’s what we want to attempt to answer, if we can. We’re CNN.”
February 24, 2014
Speaking as an American, which is something I often do, let me just say that I am outraged by the complete lack of American military intervention in Ukraine right now. America and the Obama Administration are once again refusing to show true leadership.
You’ve seen the pictures coming from Ukraine. It’s a mess. Total chaos. This is why the time to act is now. And act with confidence and focus.
Now, from what I’ve seen, one side in Ukraine is led by one of the boxing Klitschko boxers, and the other side is led by other people who I don’t know. These are the only sides there can be, as two is the maximum number of sides that can be taken in politics, as we know.
So we got Klitschko, who I think is on the side Russia. Now, Mitt Romney said Russia is the enemy, but lately it seems like conservatives are really big fans of Russia and Vladimir Putin. So I’m not sure how that all works out, really. But those small issues are left for the bean counters. Now is the time for action.
My friends, now is the time for America to re-establish itself as the leading exporter of peace-making, geopolitical-shifting destruction. Who cares which side we’re on, the people of Ukraine need America. Or something. And, you know, it seems like it’s a mess in Venezuela right now, also. Let’s stick a boot in their ass for talking crap about us.
In conclusion, the world is falling into chaos. America needs to start bombing stuff.
January 24, 2014
BRAZIL – Brave American Hero Patriot William K. Wolfrum – best known for making fart jokes and laziness – shocked the world today by leaking information about the Patriot Act.
“Yeah, I think it’s correct to say I’m a Brave American Hero Patriot,” said Wolfrum.
The information leaked is the largest amount of Patriot Act information given to the public yet. Documents leaked include information on the the FISA Court as well as several unconstitutional aspects of the Patriot Act.
Wolfrum admitted that his work on the issue was now done.
“I did my part,” said Wolfrum, 16. “I’m not a hero, but I understand if you think I am.
Wolfrum added that he hoped American journalists would finally take notice of the Patriot Act.
“After 13 years of the Patriot Act, though, I’m just trying to get a conversation started,” said Wolfrum. “Yeah, I know. It’s heroic.”
January 2, 2014
I just love that French President Francois Hollande falls for the same thing every time – the dignitary tries to look pleasant for the flashing cameras of the press, then Hollande meekly tries to shake hands.
December 24, 2013
Rostov-on-Don, RUSSIA — Leaker extraordinaire Edward Snowden unleashed his biggest coup to date, leaking Santa Claus’ Naughty or Nice list on Christmas Eve.
“I just want us to have a discussion, is all,” said Snowden. “Let’s talk. I want to talk. We should talk.”
Claus, a shadowy figure known mostly by song, has long fought off civil liberties activists who say more transparency is needed in regard to the famed list.
“A debate, perhaps?” said Snowden. “A little tea time conversation, maybe?” I really wanna talk about this.”
The release of the Naughty or Nice documents – attained by Snowden who spent seven months dressed up as an elf to get his hands on the goods has already created controversy.
“This will undoubtedly cause turmoil for America,” said Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. “When the terrorists get this information, the Naughties will be in grave peril.
The controversy has spread quickly. Bobby Jimson, a 9-year-old who discovered he was on the Naughty List for excessive sister-punching, expressed his feelings about the leaks.
‘THIS IS BULLSHIT!’ said Jimson.
More on this story as it develops.
December 20, 2013
DES MOINES — “Gay people are made of orange peels and frog legs,” shouted William K. Wolfrum.
“Black people poop pumpkin pie!” Wolfrum added.
Wolfrum, who is unemployed, said he was practicing his First Amendment rights to say anything he likes.
“Mexicans have four nipples,” bleated Wolfrum.
Wolfrum, who said he doesn’t care about his social media reputation, said he felt free to say whatever he wished because the government would not charge him with a crime or detain him in anyway.
“I’m free,” said Wolfrum, 46. “Icelanders drink squirrel milk!!”
Wolfrum, however, admits that he understands his radical viewpoints mean that he will struggle to find future employment.
“Oh, yeah, I’m screwed,” said Wolfrum. “Maybe I can see if Obama will step in and force someone to hire me. If not, I don’t see anyone hiring me. Or even talking to me much.”
Wolfrum, however, said what really mattered was his freedom to say important things that truly mattered and drove social change.
“All Irish people have butterscotch in their hair,” blathered Wolfrum.
December 10, 2013
I have three mango trees. I spend an inordinate amount of time speaking and thinking about mangoes.
December 3, 2013
“This is a game of emotion and violence. Even if you don’t fully understand, enjoy watching these warriors on the field.” — Announcer Fabio Dos Santos.
Uberlandia, Minas Gerais, BRAZIL — A warm summer Saturday in Brazil. The field is freshly lined. Fans of both teams take their places, wearing the shirts of their favorite teams. the players stretch and prepare for the match ahead. As anticipation builds to a fever pitch, the game begins.
The kickoff …
… is returned to the 25-yard line before the returner is tackled.
This is not your pai’s football.
To say Brazil is a soccer-crazed nation is as much an understatement as saying they enjoy dancing. “Who is your team?” is a required question when meeting someone (My Brazilian team is Cruzeiro. Which is my father-in-law’s team. Which meant it was an easy choice). The game is religion and a big part of Brazilian society.
Yet on a Saturday evening, here were a bunch of Brazilians aged from 18 to 45, putting on shoulder pads and helmets and preparing to grind it out for 40 minutes. It is, to say the least, a surreal vision.
The game featured the Uberlandia Lobos against the Lusa Rhynos, two of the more than 20 organized American football teams throughout Brazil playing in the “Touchdown Tournament,” the semi-official “commission” of American Football. Jeovanir Silva, the President of the Lobos, as well as an offensive lineman, has been the main cog in bringing American football to this city of 600,000 residents.
“We are pioneers of the game here in Brazil,” said Silva. “It is our job to promote an teach the game.”
But while Silva and other Brazilians deserve credit for promoting the game, pursuing sponsors, and raising the country’s awareness of the game, one entity can take credit for planting the seed – ESPN.
Prior to the game, there was an expectation that many of the players had either studied or spent a significant amount of time in the United States, where they were able to gain an appreciation of American football (such is the case with my wife.) Instead, nearly all players pointed to watching NFL games on ESPN (which is available via cable or satellite tv here).
Uberlandia’s diminutive strong safety Joaquim Garcia – the team’s defensive captain, who makes up for his lack of size with the highest football IQ on the field – is one such player. Having spent his life watching the game on ESPN, the 20-year-old is now one of the country’s top players.
“I remember I was very young and watched an NFL game and gave always loved it since,” said Garcia. “It is amazing to get to play.”
Garcia’s girlfriend, Kim, sits in the stands along with approximately 100 other surprisingly football-savvy fans. Looking through the crowd, one is never likely to see so many people in sporting jerseys that don’t have names like Neymar or Kakà on the back. Here, fans proudly wear jerseys of NFL players like Brady, Manning and Brees. And in the crowd sits Kim Garcia, looking for all the world like Brazil’s first football widow.
“I know the game pretty well,” said Kim Garcia. “We watch games all weekend. Every weekend.”
The game itself was both beautiful and heinous. Turnovers abound. Penalty flags are like a plague of yellow locusts. Both teams suffered from the same problem – having learned the game via watching the NFL, the players wanted to play NFL-styled offenses. The running game – the main staple of beginning football players – was utterly abandoned by both teams in place of passing games that led to a total of seven interceptions for the game.
Nonetheless, there were tremendous bright spots. Both teams played with passion, and as the game progressed, you could see true “football players” emerge. Big hits were met with thunderous applause from players and fans alike. Uberlandia running back Eduardo de Souza scored on a nifty 25-yard camper that ended with him somersaulting into the end zone.
In the end, an early safety was enough to give the Rhynos a hard-fought 8-7 victory. Despite the loss, Silva continues his work in making Uberlandia one of the top teams in the nation. The club has received a smattering of media attention, started a youth team and continues to invite any potential players that want to come out and give American football a try.
In the end, the game is about the players. And leaving the field, bloodied but unbowed, Joaquim Garcia lets you know his feelings for the game with one popular Portuguese word.