Heroic Adventurer discovers local WalMart
October 13, 2014 by William K. Wolfrum
DES MOINES – Local man Russ Thompson returned home to a hero’s welcome today, following his brave discovery of a local WalMart.
Thompson had set forth on his journey earlier in the day, after receiving orders from his Queen, Darla Thompson, his wife of 14 years. Thompson’s perilous voyage to the WalMart – located 17 blocks from his home – included battles with two street lights and an unforeseen sneeze that led him to briefly question his health.
“I’m pretty sure I caught something at the bowling alley last night,” said Thompson, a bowler. “Terry was looking like crap. I think he gave mea flu or something.”
Upon landing at the WalMart, Thompson was touched by the kindness of the native WalMartians.
“Everyone was so nice and so accommodating. They taught me so much,” said Thompson, 34.
After receiving their help and purchasing some of their items, Thompson attacked the WalMartians with full force, killing the vast majority of them using weapons he found in the store. Nearly the all the rest had been infected by the flu which originated with Thompson’s bowling companion Terry. Thompson then claimed the WalMart as his own.
Despite the carnage, Thompson was met at home with open, adoring arms.
“He really is a hero,” said Darla Thompson. “I needed those Oreos and I needed them immediately. Russ did what he had to do.”
For his part, Thompson said people just need to chill out and enjoy the day.
“You could call it genocide, I guess. If you want to be a dick about it,” said Thompson, a Virgo. “I’ll let history judge me.”