John Huntsmann made a name for himself in the GOP
January 16, 2012
Today, the brave and serious campaign of John Huntsmann will end. And we are all the lesser for it.
John Hantmank has dropped out of the GOP race.
In what has been a contentious race for the GOP nomination for President, Hantsman brought class, strength and vision to an otherwise unworthy field. Sure, Hurtmink never seemed to get past 5 percent in most polling and found himself being beaten by the non-running Stephen Colbert in a recent South Carolina poll, but those are just numbers.
You see, Hankmen brought a quiet, unassuming charm to a boisterous crowd of candidates. While Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry threw red meat to their followers, Hartmap was a calm, almost unnoticeable visage through debate after debate after debate.
His attempts at humor were genius, often going over the head of everyone in the nation. Who can forget his Kurt Cobain joke? Or his joke in Mandarin? Most people, probably. But that never deterred Hampton. He went forward with a quiet dignity, and truly earned his spot as “The Guy Who Polled Slightly Higher Than Buddy Roemer.”
The race for the Republican nomination has been marked by vitriol and confusion. But one man stood above it all. And he is no longer in the race, one thing is incredibly clear – by running for President, John Harbaugh truly made a name for himself.
–WKW
Should William K. Wolfrum look at porn all day, or be a Work Vigilante?
January 12, 2012
I’m looking for reader input on whether and when I, William K. Wolfrum, should actually do work, or whether I should just look at porn all day.
One example mentioned recently by a reader: “Mr. Wolfrum, there have already been two GOP Primaries and several GOP Debates. You have written nary a word about these events. I wish you would stop spending your days looking at porn and instead try working for a change.”
Another example from a reader: “Bill, you need to work more. Now. Stop looking at porn all day or our marriage is in real trouble.”
These messages were typical of mail from some readers who, fed up with my porn habit and evasion to work, look to me to get off my ass and actually do something. Anything.
Is that the prevailing view? And if so, how can I, William K. Wolfrum do this in a way that is objective and fair? Is it possible to be objective and fair when I actually do things, as opposed to doing nothing and being as fair as possible? The question here is a simple one: Should I look at porn all day, or be a work vigilante? This, of course, leads to other questions, such as:
- When I cut the lawn, should I set it on fire and then shoot bullets into the house, or should I be a lawnmower vigilante?
- If I have a child, should I ignore it and allow wolves to raise it, or should I be a parenting vigilante?
- Should I eat cereal dry, or should I be a milk vigilante?
- Should fireman stand by and watch houses burn while mocking the owners, or should they be firefighting vigilantes?
Please feel free to leave a comment below or send me an e-mail at public@nytimes.com with the subject line: Readers Point the Way: Wolfrum Work Vigilante. Please adhere to my comment moderation policy when posting. If I don’t get back to you, assume I am looking at porn.
–WKW
Hateful words at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles? Stop blaming William K. Wolfrum
December 18, 2011
Every few years, a group of mindless political operatives shriek loudly about how I, William K. Wolfrum, am a racist. This, my friends, is an exercise in futility, as I am obviously not a racist. Nonetheless, these hateful smear mongers continue to pursue these charges.
These charges are baseless, and come from words that appeared at “William K. Wolfrum Chronicles” years ago, such as:
“Opinion polls consistently show only about 5% of blacks have sensible political opinions.”
“If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be.”
“Racial Violence Will Fill Our Cities” because “mostly black welfare recipients will feel justified in stealing from mostly white ‘haves.’”
“I’ve urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self defense. For the animals are coming.”
“Jury verdicts, basketball games, and even music are enough to set off black rage, it seems.”
Other lying, slander-demons have pointed out that William K. Wolfrum Chronicles often supports right-wing militia thinking and anti-Semetic beliefs. They point to anti-civil rights words that appeared here, such as:
(Boy, it sure burns me to have a national holiday for that pro-Communist philanderer, Martin Luther King. I voted against this outrage time and time again as a Congressmen [sic]. What an infamy that Ronald Reagan Approved it! We can thank him for our annual Hate Whitey Day.)
Listen to a black radio talk show in any major city. The Racial Hatred makes a KKK rally look tame. The blacks talk about their own racial superiority, how the whites have a conspiracy to wipe them out, and how they are going to take over the country and enact retribution.
Or they bring up homophobic words that appeared here, such as:
AIDS sufferers “enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being sick.”
“Homosexuals, not to speak of the rest of society, were far better off when social pressure forced them to hide their activities.”
There is a simple reason why these words appeared at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles: They weren’t written by me. They were written by someone else. I have no idea who. But man, that person is a jerk.
So there you have it. I have detailed the charges against me and shown them all to be false. Like the great Dr. Ron Paul before me, I am being judged for something that has nothing to do with me. I will fight these attacks with ferocity by continually telling people one thing – It wasn’t me.
My friends, William K. Wolfrum Chronicles – written, edited and bankrolled by me, William K. Wolfrum – is not a racist, homophobic or anti-semetic Web site and contains no such views, except the above examples and probably some other ones. But they have nothing to do with me. Case closed. So let’s drop this subject and talk about how the Gold Standard will save us all.
–WKW
Earth 2.0: Invade now and the Keplerian-22bers will greet us as liberators
December 6, 2011
Artist rendering of Kepler-22b
My friends, we are living in perilous times. With the discovery of Planet Kepler-22b, we Americans are threatened in a way like never before.
Yes, Planet Kepler-22b, or “Earth 2.0″ as the unserious are calling it, is an Earth-like planet that could contain life. Life that would annihilate us for our freedoms.
Artist rendering of an average Keplerian-22ber
Sources close to this blog have stated that – if and when the Keplerian-22bers attack, it will likely be worse that 400,000 Sept. 11s. It is up to us to not wait for the smoking gun that will come in the form of complete interstellar destruction. No, we must strike first.
Invading and overthrowing the likely evil Kepler-22b government is our only failsafe action in this situation. And while it seems like it would be difficult, the simple fact is that such an invasion would take roughly six weeks, and pay for itself. And the Keplarian-22bers will greet us as liberators.
That is why President Barack Obama must begin sending predator drones into the atmosphere of Kepler-22b and begin systematically taking out its leadership from the skies. Only then can we send in fighter planes to weaken its infrastructure, and finally troops to mop up the rest.
It is time for Americans to come together as one. Kepler-22b is just 600 light years away. That means – with recent developments in the study of the neutrino – we can be there in 599.99999 years. It is time to set a plan, and stick with it. We are America. We went to the moon. We can get to Kepler-22b, overthrow it’s government and convert its people to Christianity.
For average Americans looking to help in this interstellar war effort, please, travel. Shop. Enjoy this fine country and its myriad mini-malls and outlet stores. And, for God’s sake, stop talking about cutting the defense budget.
–WKW
Congress to pass new bill reclassifying “Ignorance” as “Strength”
November 18, 2011
WASHINGTON – A bill sponsored by Minnesota Representative and Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann will officially reclassify “Ignorance” as “Strength.”
“Last year, a man dressed up in a Batman suit came up to me and told me vaccines cause spontaneous horn growth,” said Bachmann, who has never before gotten a bill passed through the House of Representatives. “Some have called this man ignorant, but I believe him. Because ignorance is strength in the United States of America with its Patriots and its babies and its Jesus. And now, it is time we codify that.”
Called the “Ignorance is Not an Excuse It’s a Lifestyle Choice for America With Its Patriots and Its Babies and Its Jesus Act,” the new bill proposes to reclassify all ignorant people as strong people. The reclassification is intended to get more people who aren’t aware of things to be put in positions of power within the government without fear of being labeled ignorant.
“A duck wearing a scarf came up to me after a speech I gave in Dubuque, Ohio, and told me that the dumbest thing he ever heard was the strongest thing he ever heard,” said Bachmann, who said she would also try to pass legislation reclassifying the words “War” and “Freedom” prior to the 2012 elections. “That proves to me that ignorance is not only bliss, it’s strength.”
The bill is likely to sail through both the House and the Senate, as all Republicans are on board with it, as well as many Blue-Dog Democrats who neither want to be called anti-ignorant or weak. Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska said the bill was right for the country in a time when jobs needed to be created and morale needed improving.
“Fuck Obama,” said Nelson, who then punched an elderly woman in the neck.
Bachmann said the new bill should help many Conservatives feel good about themselves in a time when their ignorance is being pointed out on a daily basis.
“Listen, a drunken pirate vampire small business owner – who was 14-feet tall if he was an inch – came up to me at church and told me he’d hire more people if they all weren’t so ignorant,” said Bachmann, who declared herself the “strongest woman” in the history of Congress. “So this bill isn’t for people like myself and Herman Cain. It’s for 14-foot-tall drunk pirate vampire business people. You know, real Americans.”
–WKW
Mitt Romney vs. Rick Perry: And the winner is …
October 26, 2011
With the two biggest draws in the GOP race for the party’s nomination spending their time knocking each other out, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich are the clear beneficiaries. But really, we’re all winners here.
–WKW
Marco Rubio’s startling admission
October 25, 2011
Sources tell this blog that U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida will soon hold a press conference and admit that his name is, in fact, Mark Rubin, and that his parents escaped Fresno in 1982.
–WKW
Plan 999 from the GOP Debate
October 18, 2011
“Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day.”
Plan 999 from the GOP Debate
Starring
[SMALL FUNERAL, EVERYONE COMPLETELY SILENT]
Bela Lugosi’s wife is buried off the side of the road at a funeral where a guy in a suit reads the Bible to himself. Two hobos begin to the process of burying her. “The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.”
MICHELE BACHMANN: “The good news is, the cake is baked.”
[INSIDE COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE, TWO PILOTS]
Two airline pilots, flying a cardboard box, see a UFO besides their plane. They are not shook up in the slightest.
PILOT: “That’s nothing from this world.”
[BACK TO GRAVEDIGGERS AT CEMETERY]
The gravediggers see the UFO, get spooked and leave. Day instantaneously turns to night. Then back to day. Then back to night. Vampira shows up, apparently holding an invisible barrel. The two gravediggers decide to die to play it safe.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “President Obama’s plan has been a plan for destruction of this country.”
[BELA LUGOSI'S HOME]
Bela Lugosi leaves his home, dressed as a cowboy dracula and still smarting from the death of his wife.
CRISWELL: “The sky to which she had once looked, was now only a covering for her dead body.”
[CEMETERY]
Lugosi – insanely strung out in heroin – apparently dies. He is buried in a cardboard tomb in the cemetery. We learn his wife was actually Vampira, who shows up briefly, still holding the invisible barrel. A mourner sees the dead gravediggers, screams. The cops show up. Night turns to day. Then back to night.
HERMAN CAIN: “Apples and oranges.”
The police inspector – played by Tor Johnson – shows up. He apparently got the job by body-slamming all the other candidates. He mumbles some stuff, then goes off to investigate, as he is, after all, an investigator.
[OUTSIDE THE PILOT'S HOUSE. THE PILOT AND HIS WIFE ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO]
The pilot admits to his wife that he saw a UFO. Once again, Big Government strikes, as he was told by the military not to say anything about it.
PILOT: “Then as soon as we landed, big army brass grabbed us and made us swear to secrecy about the whole thing. Oh, it burns me up. These things have been seen for years. They’re here, it’s a fact. And the public oughta know about it.”
As if to verify the pilot’s story, the UFO flies over his house.
RON PAUL: “We are no more removed from this than the man on the moon.”
[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]
The UFO flies over the graveyard, knocking everyone over but not shaking them up too much. Lugosi shows up, looking quite a bit different because he died. Literally. Investigator Tor continues investigating. He is surrounded by the replacement Lugosi and Vampira with her barrel. Tor tries to shoot them both in the groin, but it has no effect. As they slowly close in on Tor, he does the only sensible thing and dies.
[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]
Clay is buried. Vampira watches, holding only cleavage.
[RANDOM AREAS]
Three flying saucers fly over Los Angeles, including one that almost hits the NBC Studios. Newspapers are printed. Day turns to night then back to day. Saucers are then seen over Washington, D.C. The public seems to handle it all remarkably well, including one guy who decides this would be a good time to stop drinking.
CRISWELL: “There’s a time in each man’s life when he can’t even believe his own eyes.”
HERMAN CAIN: “I invite every American to do their own math.”
[SOMEWHERE IN WORLD WAR II]
The military decides to attack the flying saucers. Despite the fact the saucers are just hovering there, begging to be blown out of the sky, all the rockets miss. They disappear and we then learn about the great flying saucer cover-up by the government. Everything bad that’s happened in the nation, it seems, is a result of these shaky saucers.
MILITARY GUY: “What do they want…where are they from…where are they going?”
[INSIDE THE SPACESHIP.]
The aliens are white people, as should have been expected. Bunny Breckinridge is the leader. He’s tired as all get out of the Earthlings and decides that Plan 9 is the only solution.
BUNNY BRECKINRIDGE: “Plan 9…ah yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead. “
RICK PERRY: “They’re not interested in 999.”
[FLYING SAUCERS RETURN TO EARTH. WE RETURN TO THE PILOT'S HOUSE.]
The pilot is heading out on a flight. Despite the surreal events of the past few days, neither he or his wife seem very concerned.
PILOT’S WIFE: “Now toddle off and fly your flying machine, Darling. But if you see any more flying saucers, will you tell them to pick another house to buzz? Don’t worry about me.”
[CARDBOARD COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE]
The pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess have a nice little chat, dissing Albuquerque along the way.
MITT ROMNEY: “I suggest if you want to be the President of the United States, you need to learn how to let other people speak.”
[CEMETERY]
Lugosi shows up (the real one, not the replacement). He’s dressed as Dracula.
[INSIDE PILOT'S WIFE'S BEDROOM]
Lugosi commits a home invasion, becoming the replacement Lugosi along the way. The pilot’s wife flees to the cemetery. The original Lugosi chases her. Vampira shows up. Night turns to day. Then back to night. The replacement Lugosi continues the chase.
Tor Johnson climbs out of the ground, creating a Halloween-mask trend that continues until today. Night changes to day. Then back to night. Then back to day again. A chubby cowboy drives by and saves the pilot’s wife.
RICK SANTORUM: “The family in America and the faith in America is being crushed.”
The cops show up at the cemetery. Night changes back to day, then back to night. Lugosi (the real one) is miffed, as he really wanted to kill the pilot’s wife. Lugosi, Vampira and Tor enter the spaceship somehow.
The cops mull around the cemetery and discover that Inspector Tor left his grave.
RICK PERRY: “Herman, I love you, brother.”
[INSIDE A GENERAL'S OFFICE]
Two military men discuss the cover-up of the flying saucers.
GENERAL: “You realize there’s a government directive stating that there is no such thing as a flying saucer?”
NEWT GINGRICH: “I’m a hawk, but I’m a cheap hawk.”
The general then plays a recording of the aliens.
EROS: This is Eros, a space soldier from a planet of your galaxy. I fully realize our language differences, however I also know you finally have perfected the dictorobitary, or as you on Earth put it, the language computer. So you can now understand that which I speak. Since the beginning of your time, we have been far beyond your planet. It has taken you centuries to even grasp what we developed eons of your years ago. Do you still believe it impossible we exist? You didn’t actually think you were the only inhabited planet in the universe? How can any race be so stupid? Permit me to set your mind at ease. We do not want to conquer your planet. Only save it. We could have destroyed it long ago, if that had been our aim. Our principal purpose is friendly. I admit, we have had to take certain means which you might refer to as criminal, but that is because of your big guns which have destroyed some of our representatives. If you persist in denying us our landings, then we must only accept that you do not want us on friendly terms. We then have no alternative but to destroy you before you destroy us. With your ancient, juvenile minds, you have developed explosives too fast for your minds to conceive what you were doing. You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are part of that universe. This is our last …
The military men decide that going to San Fernando to confront the aliens is the best move, but make it clear that the cover-up must stay in place, regardless of the flying saucers now seen all over the country.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “I will build a fence across the entire border. I will enforce English as the official language of the United States.”
[INSIDE FLYING SAUCER]
The White people aliens discuss all the recent events. Tor Johnson comes in and almost kills Eros, the White Guy Alien Leader. They strategize for a while and then decide that Lugosi must be sacrificed. This apparently will stall the Earthlings while they turn create more walking dead. Then, they will send the walking dead to kill everyone. That’ll learn ‘em.
[RANDOM SHOTS OF SAUCERS, COPS, SAN FERNANDO. DAY TURNS TO NIGHT AND BACK AGAIN. FINALLY, THE COLONEL AND THE LIEUTENANT SHOW UP AT THE PILOT'S HOME]
The pilot and his wife tell the colonel about their experiences with the flying saucers (the scene shows another saucer landing in the cemetery. Apparently, world domination takes a direct route through this cemetery.) No one seems to notice that a saucer landed right next door to them.
RICK PERRY: “I think it’s time for us to have a very serious discussion about defunding the United Nations.”
The scene shifts back to the cemetery, where the replacement Lugosi comes out of the saucer, then turns into the real Lugosi. The scene shifts back to the pilot’s home. The replacement Lugosi shows up, bent on killing everyone. Luckily, the White People Aliens kill him first, leaving only a skeleton.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “The President of Iraq is a genocidal maniac.”
[BACK TO THE CEMETERY]
A cop, the lieutenant, the colonel, the pilot, and his wife get out of the car and enter the cemetery. The pilot’s wife says she doesn’t want to be left alone. The colonel and the lieutenant mock her for this.
Vampira wanders around nearby. The cop stays with the pilot’s wife as the other three walk off to search for something. They see Tor’s grave and surmise that he came out of his grave. The lieutenant isn’t buying it.
LIEUTENANT: “Look, Colonel, I’m a policeman. I’ve got to deal in facts.
MICHELE BACHMANN: “He put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.”
[BACK TO FLYING SAUCER]
The aliens decide to let the three men find them, so they can kill them and stop all their tiresome meddling. They send Tor in to kill the pilot’s wife and the cop.
[BACK TO CEMETERY]
Tor slowly stalks his prey. The three men see a strange light. Tor attacks the cop, who gets knocked out from a light slap. The pilot’s wife is safely in the car, but makes the blunder of not locking her door. Tor captures her after she succumbs to the vapors.
The three men find the spaceship and are allowed to enter. A female White Person Space Alien asks if they have to kill the three men.
EROS: “Well wouldn’t it be better to kill a few now than, with their meddling, permit them to destroy the entire universe?”
The three men enter the spaceship and learn that Eros is a pompous jerk who talks in circles. Eros repeatedly tells them how stupid they are, but points out that the human race is closing in on discovering solaronite.
NEWT GINGRICH: “How can you have judgement if you don’t have faith.”
Solaronite is the ultimate of green technology. It will let humans harness the power of the sun which will then somehow destroy the universe. Things get real sciencey, up until we learn that the people of Eros’ planet are misogynists just like us. Then they all fight.
[BACK TO CEMETERY]
Another cop shows up and finds the other cop who is recovering from his Tor chop. They see Tor and, after realizing that bullets won’t stop him, decide to hit him with a stick. This works. Tor is out cold.
[BACK TO SPACESHIP]
A wild melee ensues and we learn that Eros can’t fight a lick. The ship catches on fire and the three men escape. Budget cutbacks mean that the spaceship has no way of putting out a fire, and the ship flies away aflame, and then explodes. The threat is over.
“My friends, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen? Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space. Many scientists believe that another world is watching us this moment. We once laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric light, vitamins, radio, and even television! And now some of us laugh at outer space. God help us… in the future. “
RICK PERRY: “You get to ask the questions, I get to answer them the way I want to.”
The End
With thanks and admiration to the great Ed Wood.
–WKW
Netflix now to offer only Beta-Max movies
October 10, 2011
After getting hammered for a recent plan to break the company in two parts – one for DVDs, one for streaming video – Netflix has now decided to go back to the way it was, plus the healthy fee increase. Also, they announced they will only rent Beta-Max movies, because they are a business and businesses do things, so look, they did something else.
–WKW
The “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” Technique
September 21, 2011
Often, young journalists come to me asking what type of story they can write about President Barack Obama. Almost without fail, I tell them to use the “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” technique. With this, all one needs to do is find a suitable noun, make it Obama’s problem, and then fit the story around it.
Some examples:
- President Obama’s White Problem
- Obama’s Black Problem
- Obama’s Latino Problem
- Obama’s Women Problem
- Obama’s Jewish Problem
- Obama’s Catholic Problem
- Obama’s Military Problem
- Obama’s Anti-Military Problem
- Obama’s Democrat Problem
- Obama’s Republican Problem
- Obama’s Independent Problem
These are just a few examples, but there are many more out there. Remember, there are A LOT of nouns out there. So think outside the box with subjects like:
- Obama’s Wolverine Problem
- Obama’s Fly* Problem
- Obama’s Smurf Problem
- Obama’s Mac & Cheese Problem
- Obama’s Nickleback Problem
- Obama’s Bridge Troll Problem
- Obama’s Adorable Puppy Problem
Come up with your own, the noun can be virtually anything, as you will most certainly find some poll somewhere that you can get to agree with the storyline. The “Obama’s (Noun) Problem” Technique – It’s not only fun, but it will also help you to solve the dreaded “Journalist Deadline Problem.”
*Pants, Movie or insect.
–WKW
John Boehner speaks on Republican plans to fix the U.S. Economy
September 2, 2011
In a radio interview today in Washington, D.C., Speaker of the House John Boehner spoke of Republican plans to fix the U.S. economy. Some excerpts:
“We are not weak women. We are not slaves. We can not give up. We cannot surrender,” Boehner said in the message broadcast on the Rush Limbaugh radio show.
“Let this be a long fight and let America be engulfed in flames. If America goes up in flames, who will be able to govern it? Let it burn.”
“There must be huge sacrifices for the sake of freedom. The Liberals will come to an end and the Democratic Party will collapse … and the traitors’ loyalty to Obama will collapse.”
Boehner went on: “Democrats cannot rule America as long as we are armed. We are still armed. We will fight in every valley, in every street, in every oasis and every town. We’ll be awarded victory ultimately. We can never surrender.”
Boehner’s whereabouts are currently unknown, though sources say he is probably just playing golf somewhere.
–WKW
Rick PArry for IowA
August 11, 2011
The first TV ad from Stephen Colbart’s SuperPac. Vote Rick Parry.
–WKW
The Zombie Apocalypse is Everyone’s Fault
August 9, 2011
My friends, since those French scientists botched their experiments on a new immortality drug and spread the Zombie virus throughout humanity, things have been kind of crazy. Rarely does a day go by where we are not fleeing the mindless, brain-eating undead. It’s a hassle.
But the fact that many of our loved ones have either become zombies or have been eaten by zombies shouldn’t hamper our intellectual abilities. This is a time when clarity of thought is as important as a nearby Louisville Slugger.
Make no mistake about it, humanity is in chaos, and more than likely will be exterminated soon. But let us avoid the knee-jerk, human-partisan opinions. This is not solely the fault of the zombies. Let’s face it, everyone is to blame.
The zombies are just doing what zombies do. They lurch forward slowly in packs and try to grab regular humans so they can eat their brains. To punish for them acting as God intended is cowardly and simple-minded. Because lest we forget, about half the world’s population spends its days hunting and killing zombies. Where is the outrage over that?
Don’t get me wrong. This is not a pro-zombie rant like the one Jennifer Rubin wrote recently for the Washington Post (“Zombies Want Lower Taxes and a Big Military. They can’t be THAT bad”). Instead, this is a call for common sense. You see, the people actively killing zombies are only adding to the mayhem, lawlessness and job-killing fanaticism that have swept our land.
The people who have fled to the countryside are as much to blame as the zombies, as well. What, things get tough and you run away? This cowardice adds to the flames of the Zombie Apocalypse. In the end, those who fled are as guilty as the zombies, who will get them eventually anyway.
America has stood up to big challenges before. Will we succeed in this effort? Most definitely not. The zombies are relentless and there’s always more of them coming. We’re pretty much doomed as a species. But this does not mean it’s time to point fingers.
So just remember, when a zombie finally gets hold of you and rips you apart, this is not just the fault of the zombie. The Zombie Apocalypse is the fault of everyone, you included.
–WKW
Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists steal girl’s bike! (Updated)
July 26, 2011
This frightening news has just been reported by CNN. A 7-year-old girl has had her bike stolen in Des Moines, Iowa. The bike – a Huffy Disney Princess – has not been seen for more than three hours. The girl – Andie Fitzgerald is apparently heartbroken.
“She’s crying and crying,” said her mother, Tami Fitzgerald. “She really loved that bike.”
First off, let me make it clear that there is no evidence of who actually stole the bike, and it would be irresponsible to introduce conjecture into the mix. But let’s be honest here – this was obviously the work of Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists. As Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist Expert Pamela Gellar once said:
“Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists would go so far as stealing a little girl’s bike. That’s how evil they are.”
From my experience and studies on Muslim Islamofascist Jihadism, I have come to know how these evil doers think. Obviously, when they stole the bike their intention was complete enslavement of America and forced Sharia Law. It is but a few short steps from getting their hands on a bike to detonating nuclear weapons in all major U.S. cities.
So what do we do now that Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists have begun their plan that will inevitabvly lead to the death of millions of Americans just like you? Well, due to the Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist-loving liberals in the U.S., there’s little we can do. We will all either soon be dead or be slaves to Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists. This much is obvious.
Pray for us. The end is here.
Update 1: The Washington Post’s Jennifer Rubin has reported that a previously unknown Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist group known as “The Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist Death to America and Bike Stealing Freedom Fighters of Death” has taken credit for stealing the bike. It’s over folks. Obama has led us to destruction.
Update 2: The liberal media is reporting that there is no such group as “The Muslim Islamofascist Jihadist Death to America and Bike Stealing Freedom Fighters of Death.” They are lying. This is happening.
Update 3: The girl reportedly has found her bike, which was under some clothes in the garage. This sounds like a cover-up.
Update 4: Ok, the girl’s family has announced that the bike was found and have released a photo.
Update 5: I’m already taking some undeserved criticism from liberals. The simple fact is, Muslim Islamofascist Jihadists would have stolen Andie Fitzgerald’s bike if they could have and most definitely will in the future. Possibly later today. This future theft will usher in an era of terrorism, nuclear blasts and Sharia Law. So none of my reporting on this was actually wrong, per se. It will just be correct later. My point remains.
–WKW
Small dog tells Louie Gohmert to run for President
July 20, 2011
WASHINGTON – Republican U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert (Texas) has announced he is considering a run for President of the United States of America after a small dog told him he should.
“He seemed quite serious,” said Gohmert. “I’d be crazy not to listen.”
Gohmert, now in his second term in the House, has had a colorful career in Congress, having raised the possibility of an attack of terror babies – babies born to illegal immigrants who are then trained to become anti-American jihadists. Gohmert has also said that U.S. involvement in Libya is an excuse for President Barack Obama to unleash a private army, as well as accusing Obama of being a Jihadist himself.
Sources close to Gohmert say they believe the small dog is behind his most outlandish statements.
“It’s really the only thing that makes sense,” said the source. “I mean, ‘terror babies?’ That’s something only a small dog could come up with.”
The mixed Shih Tzu – named “Pookie” – had no comment to the reports.
–WKW
