October 13, 2014
DES MOINES – Local man Russ Thompson returned home to a hero’s welcome today, following his brave discovery of a local WalMart.
Thompson had set forth on his journey earlier in the day, after receiving orders from his Queen, Darla Thompson, his wife of 14 years. Thompson’s perilous voyage to the WalMart – located 17 blocks from his home – included battles with two street lights and an unforeseen sneeze that led him to briefly question his health.
“I’m pretty sure I caught something at the bowling alley last night,” said Thompson, a bowler. “Terry was looking like crap. I think he gave mea flu or something.”
Upon landing at the WalMart, Thompson was touched by the kindness of the native WalMartians.
“Everyone was so nice and so accommodating. They taught me so much,” said Thompson, 34.
After receiving their help and purchasing some of their items, Thompson attacked the WalMartians with full force, killing the vast majority of them using weapons he found in the store. Nearly the all the rest had been infected by the flu which originated with Thompson’s bowling companion Terry. Thompson then claimed the WalMart as his own.
Despite the carnage, Thompson was met at home with open, adoring arms.
“He really is a hero,” said Darla Thompson. “I needed those Oreos and I needed them immediately. Russ did what he had to do.”
For his part, Thompson said people just need to chill out and enjoy the day.
“You could call it genocide, I guess. If you want to be a dick about it,” said Thompson, a Virgo. “I’ll let history judge me.”
October 13, 2014
America did not become the greatest nation in the history of nations by trusting science. In a nation noted for its partisan divides, it is this distrust of science that has taken the United States to the top of the mountain. Whether it is conservative mistrust of Climate change or liberal suspicion of vaccines, America is defined by the belief that scientists are nefarious cranks bent on world domination and the death of our babies and economy.
This is why Americans are disinterested in what science has to say about the Ebola Virus. Because science has proven they are illegal gangsters solely beholden to the overthrow of America. Think about it, today all scientists say man is creating a climate nightmare due to global warming. But just 40 years ago or so, there was once one article in a magazine that said the Earth was cooling. There’s only one way to explain that – scientists are big fat liars.
Or take vaccines. Today, Big Pharma and its band of paid science monkeys say that multiple diseases and ailments have been wiped out due to childhood vaccines. But important Hollywood people like Rob Schneider – who was in the movie “Jack & Jill” – have stated that vaccines cause autism, mind control and various other ailments. Who is correct, science – which has always been wrong about everything or Rob Schneider – who is an actor in movies sometimes?
The choice here is clear.
So while science will have you believe that the only way to get the Ebola Virus is to have direct contact with a patient and that “All cases of human illness or death from Ebola have occurred in Africa,” we, as Americans are aware of the truth - the Ebola Virus is going to rapidly kill every last man, woman and child on the planet. Unless we attack it America-style.
This is why we have created this 5-step method on how to defeat Ebola in the United States.
1) Eliminate all science from the equation. By not having a Surgeon General and having a Fox News, the U.S. is off to a strong start. Stifling science and instead going with the more reliable “gut instinct” means the battle against Ebola is being won.
2) Shout angrily shrill messages at the Virus. Calling it a lazy “taker” that wants only to live off others will slowly sap the virus of its will and leave it weak and malleable. Also, call the Ebola Virus a hypocrite repeatedly. No living organism can withstand being called a hypocrite.
3) Stop giving “scientists” any type of funding. If they want to “cure” Ebola, let them raise the money themselves.
4) Stop vaccinating your children. Vaccinations exist. The Ebola Virus exists. Only a true Sheeple would think that these two things aren’t interconnected.
5) Kill or imprison all atheists. Ebola is never mentioned in the Bible, thus it is a secular disease. Outlawing atheism means you are outlawing Ebola.
Some may scoff at this plan of attack, but those people are usually scientists who get money from Big Pharma and want to destroy the United States government for reasons that are probably really awful, like communism or cannibalism.
In the end, it comes down to this: You could listen to communist cannibal scientists on the take and follow prevention protocols. or you can be a real American, ignore science completely, and survive using your own common sense. Or you will die a horrifying death, bleeding from the eyes. Because that’s what science wants. To control you and population with Ebola.
Or it’s Obama trying to get attention off of Benghazi. Either way, be afraid but be American.
July 14, 2014
“Fuck you, Jughead! I watched Veronica die. I was there. And I watched her die. I watched her overdose and choke to death. I could have saved her. But I didn’t.”
Jughead staggered back. He looked shocked and hurt and confused. And I did not give a shit.
“Now it’s your turn, motherfucker,” I said, lunging at him.
Some explanation is in order. I was just a kid, man. Just a red-headed kid from Riverdale. From the outside, we were the perfect town. On the inside, so much darker. Take, Moose for example. By the way, did you know his name was Marmaduke Merton Matowski Mason? Seriously. What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, Moose is an All-City football star and everyone thinks he’s kinda slow but cool. In reality, he guzzles steroids like Tic-Tacs and goes up into the hills to slaughter helpless animals. dude is messed up. Seriously, someone needs to do something about him.
So, anyway, I’m Archie Andrews. And I was just a normal kid. Until Mr. Weatherbee decided to take me down. Well, decided to try and take me down. Because I learned something about myself. I don’t lose. Ever.
I was selling high-grade heroin out of the back of Reggie’s van. I had just sold a bag to two 11-year-olds I really didn’t give a fuck anymore. Reggie was blowing up my cell phone, but fuck him, with his hands all over Veronica, don’t think I didn’t see that.
Listen, I could have let Weatherbee suspend me for three days, all right? But that’s permanent record, shit. And I’m no one’s bitch. Especially not Weatherbee’s.
“Weatherbee’s dead,” I told Betty. She didn’t look shocked.
“Nothing you do surprises me anymore,” she said. “You’re a monster.”
Betty was right, but fuck her anyway. I had given her the best few weeks of my life. And when things get tough, she turns on me. Well, not this time.
“Listen, bit …,” I started, but was knocked back by Moose. My beautiful, loyal Moose. My beautiful, loyal, wrecked on steroids Moose. Who was now calling the police on me, his Archie. Fuck that. I grabbed the baby and ran.
My grip tightened as I saw the life drain from Jughead’s eyes. The final witness was dead. I was free. I took the briefcase with the $25 million inside. Vegas, bitchez.
I’m Archie Andrews. And I did it all for me.
July 7, 2014
The moment I saw him, I knew something was different. He was a giant, in his way, and he seemed to be involved in everything. He was no ordinary man. He was a person. He was General Electric.
“We bring good things to life,” General Electric told me. And I believed him.
We had only been partners a short while when we were given the case that would change us forever. A family had stopped paying its bills. All of its bills. You could see from his eyes that the General was thrown off by this. Hell, so was I. Who wouldn’t be? This family had stopped paying its electric bills, water bills, gas bills, credit card bills, you name it. It was creepy. And it affected the General deeply.
“That’s imagination at work,” said the General.
As time went on, I came to understand the General more. Paying bills was like a religion to him.
“The Constitution, man. It’s all there. It’s all in there,” GE told me one time. “Capitalism is my God, man. The Constitution repsects my God and who I am? And who am I? Who cares? Why am I a man and not a woman? Well, that should be obvious, but my religious rights will be protected. And bills will be paid.”
He did that, the General. Go off on long diatribes that meant absolutely nothing. And all the while he was talking, he’d be selling arms to
despotic regimes. Dude was messed up.
We left to go pay a visit to this strange family that refused to pay its bills. I’d be lying if I said I was scared. This wasn’t normal. This was like, stuff non-persons did.
We arrived there at noon.
“It’s like, man, I’m a bank. Did you know that, man? A freakin’ bank? I mean, that’s where most my money comes from, right? Hell, what is that? It’s like this, man, I am the storm and I am the sunshine. Simultaneously man … ”
“Ok, for god’s sake, stop,” I said. “We’ve been here 20 minutes. Let’s go to the door.”
At the door we were greeted by Bucky Dentson.
“Seems like a lazy name,” said the General, but I ignored him.
“Listen, Mr. Dentson, it says here that you haven’t paid a single bill in more than five months. We gotta know why,” I said.
Dentson was maybe 50 years old but he looked far older. He looked tired, beaten down from life. It was as though he had worked so hard to be good but the bad had still taken charge.
“Martha … my wife … she died,” said Dentson, breaking down and sobbing, looking for all the world a pathetic and beaten man.
And General Electric leaped out at him with a knife and stabbed at him violently, slashing away at Dentson until he was not just dead but impossible to even identify as a human.
“Well, ok, we’re done here,” said General Electric, dripping blood.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” I asked.
“Oh stop it,” said the General. “It had to be done. Order and whatnot. You want to get Mexican on the way in?”
I was stunned.
“I gotta arrest you, man. Don’t you understand that?”
“That woud be a mistake,” the General said, chuckling. “I mean, first of all, who are you going to arrest? Right? I’m too big, regardless. This is just the price of business. Besides, respect my religious rights.
The General laughed evilly. “It’s like you never for once thought what the OPPOSITE of “We Bring Good Things to Life” means.”
I walked to the car. I knew all he said was true. I knew the rules had long ago changed. But it still ate at me.
“But you want it both ways. You want all the rights and all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being human,” I said. I was exasperated. “Why do you get to have it all?”
“Listen, once there was only dark,” said General Electric, absentmindedly kicking the sludge that was Buck Dentson. “But then we invented green.”
“If you ask me, the green is winning.”
June 11, 2014
Announcement from William K. Wolfrum:
My friends, the world is a complicated place, full of problems. More problems than I care to list, really, but you get the idea. I mean, you know. FULL of problems.
Now, I like the idea of being a good guy who cares about things. I talk a pretty good game. But the reality is, I’m sort of a narcissistic jerk. The fact that I can admit that makes me a better person than you, but that’s getting a little ticky-tack. Basically, helping out in the world is a pain in the ass. It requires travel and exertion and thinking and not watching “Survivor.” Not helping out is way, way better. But that’s too selfish. So, I’ve decided I must do something.
Lately, I’ve read a couple articles about how for years people have not been taking their full antibiotics prescriptions. This is resulting in an increasing ineffectiveness in the antibiotics as disease bacteria start figuring out their passwords. Or something to that effect. Essentially, what it means is that sooner or later, antibiotics will be useless to humanity and we’ll all die horrible deaths from infection.
So, here’s the deal: From here on out, I will always take all the antibiotics prescribed to me. I admit it, I haven’t before. I was totally part of the problem. But not now. Now I’m part of the solution. Now, I’m helping, not hindering humanity. I’m doing my part. Or at least I will be if and when I’m next prescribed antibiotics. But don’t expect more. I’m probably already doing more than you.
In conclusion, get off my back already.
May 28, 2014
GUNLANDIA, U.S. — Mark Hanson broke down and sobbed when he saw the carnage. He saw his son and the anger exploded inside of him.
“How could this happen!?” screamed Hanson.
Hanson reached down and picked up the mangled pieces of his now dead gun.
“I just don’t know how I’ll go on,” said Hanson.
It was at approximately 8:15 p.m. last Thursday when 4-year-old Tommy Hanson found his father’s pistol and began playing with it. After an hour of disassembling the gun and then smacking it against a brick, the pistol was effectively useless.
“This was not my child’s fault,” said Mark Hanson. “This is the fault of gun manufacturers making a product that can be broken by a child.”
Since his gun was destroyed, Hanson has become a gun activist, demanding better regulation on guns an gun quality. He said he is planning to speak with representatives of the gun industry early next Wednesday.
“How am I supposed to stay safe, when a child can destroy my gun?” said Hanson. “It’s time for the government to do something. Only a good gun law can protect a gun from a bad child.”
For his part, Tommy Hanson has apologized to his father, and admitted that the gun was much easier to take apart than his father’s hunting rifles, which is his usual toy.
More on this story when it develops.
March 10, 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. – More than 42,000 scientists across the globe – including such luminaries as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking – have been arrested for hour laundering in a world-wide sting, sources say.
“They got them all, finally,” said the source. “Finally, this terror ends.”
The arrests take place following a six-hour investigation by House Republicans in the U.S. The results of the investigation unearthed a massive conspiracy that included thousands of scientists across the globe. Reports show that the scientists were arrested for hoarding hours left over after Daylight Savings Time in Spring. The scientists would then put those hours in a high-yield account. In the Fall, the hours would be paid back, however the interested accumulated was held on to by the scientists.
These extra hours were then laundered by the scientists, and used for such things as spreading global climate change disinformation and investing in making Bill Nye a big celebrity.
“I think we’ve all known scientists are the real enemies,” said a clearly pleased House GOP watchdog Darrell Issa. “Think of all those lost hours? Education truly is evil.”
The criminal enterprise of Daylight Savings Time has been cancelled, and all Americans will need to send a extra hour back to the government, or wait for a possible refund of an hour from the government. The return could take between six-to-eight weeks.
Sources say the Hour Laundering Scam™ began in 1897 under the watchful eye of scientist Percival Lowell, who believed extra hours could be funneled through canals on Mars. Despite being widely discredited, Lowell eventually used hours he had hoarded in order to get Arizona to name a really nice observatory after him.
The unspoken tradition of hour laundering among scientists has continued since then, with famed scientists such as Isaac Newton – who wasted all his hours on alchemy experiments – taking part (The extra hours could be used to go back in time to include scientists from prior generations).
“So, basically, all scientists from all of history are guilty,” said Issa. “Wow. Seriously, I never think these things will amount anything. This one, tho? Wow.”
Tyson – one of the most famous scientists on the planet – was unable to comment on the story, as it’s still not Daylight Savings Time in the zone he’s in, and the story has yet to break.
February 25, 2014
KIEV – “Protest This!™” a revolutionary new App that promises to help users easily meet and assemble against unpopular regimes, was shot down like a dog today in the streets of Kiev.
“Wow. Never saw that coming,” said App creator Nick Johnson, 20, from his parents’ home in Cleveland. “That’s messed up.”
After being shot by Ukrainian authorities, “Protest This!™” was then dragged through the streets, and eventually mutilated behind a meat-packing plant. No other information is available.
“Dude,” said Johnson.
February 25, 2014
CLEVELAND – UPS driver Tim Johnston woke up one day last week with a feeling of dread. A feeling that things just weren’t right. So often he felt this way but never spoke up about it. But this time, he wasn’t going to let it pass. This time, he was going to speak out.
“Gravity is BS,” said Johnston. “I’ve thought about this for awhile and it just doesn’t add up.”
Johnston said he based his anti-Law-of-Gravity theory on the simple fact that not all things are not constantly falling all the time.
“Kinda seems like that’s what would happen if gravity were real, right?” said Johnston, 47. “I mean, that’s how it feels to me.”
Johnston’s announcement caused a commotion in the entertainment/science industry. ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & Fox News (“Gravity: Stop Being a Slave”) have all announced new news/science/entertainment specials that will address this building dissent over gravity’s effects.
CNN also announced it will feature a two-hour, primetime debate between renowned entertainer/activist/scientist/TV Personality Bill Nye and Johnston. Nye said this was an opportunity to educate the public.
“Science!” said Nye, who then pushed a button that made his bow tie spin.
Others have joined Johnston’s call.
“[Gravity] was filmed on a soundstage by the government!” said citizen Raul Pudd, pounding his fists and with spittle flying everywhere.
For Johnston, the attention has been worth it as he tries to bring attention to what some have called “The Greatest Hoax in American History.”
“It just feels wrong, right?” said Johnston, a Capricorn. “This is one of those things that liberals believe that’s just BS. I mean, it’s just a theory.”
CNN chief Jeff Zucker said he was glad to see his network begin to take shape in his image.
“This is what the people want,” said Zucker, who announced that one lucky debate viewer will win a free trip to Tucson, Arizona. “People are asking questions.
“Is gravity America’s greatest hoax, or not?” added Zucker. “That’s what we want to attempt to answer, if we can. We’re CNN.”
February 24, 2014
Speaking as an American, which is something I often do, let me just say that I am outraged by the complete lack of American military intervention in Ukraine right now. America and the Obama Administration are once again refusing to show true leadership.
You’ve seen the pictures coming from Ukraine. It’s a mess. Total chaos. This is why the time to act is now. And act with confidence and focus.
Now, from what I’ve seen, one side in Ukraine is led by one of the boxing Klitschko boxers, and the other side is led by other people who I don’t know. These are the only sides there can be, as two is the maximum number of sides that can be taken in politics, as we know.
So we got Klitschko, who I think is on the side Russia. Now, Mitt Romney said Russia is the enemy, but lately it seems like conservatives are really big fans of Russia and Vladimir Putin. So I’m not sure how that all works out, really. But those small issues are left for the bean counters. Now is the time for action.
My friends, now is the time for America to re-establish itself as the leading exporter of peace-making, geopolitical-shifting destruction. Who cares which side we’re on, the people of Ukraine need America. Or something. And, you know, it seems like it’s a mess in Venezuela right now, also. Let’s stick a boot in their ass for talking crap about us.
In conclusion, the world is falling into chaos. America needs to start bombing stuff.
January 24, 2014
BRAZIL – Brave American Hero Patriot William K. Wolfrum – best known for making fart jokes and laziness – shocked the world today by leaking information about the Patriot Act.
“Yeah, I think it’s correct to say I’m a Brave American Hero Patriot,” said Wolfrum.
The information leaked is the largest amount of Patriot Act information given to the public yet. Documents leaked include information on the the FISA Court as well as several unconstitutional aspects of the Patriot Act.
Wolfrum admitted that his work on the issue was now done.
“I did my part,” said Wolfrum, 16. “I’m not a hero, but I understand if you think I am.
Wolfrum added that he hoped American journalists would finally take notice of the Patriot Act.
“After 13 years of the Patriot Act, though, I’m just trying to get a conversation started,” said Wolfrum. “Yeah, I know. It’s heroic.”
December 24, 2013
Rostov-on-Don, RUSSIA — Leaker extraordinaire Edward Snowden unleashed his biggest coup to date, leaking Santa Claus’ Naughty or Nice list on Christmas Eve.
“I just want us to have a discussion, is all,” said Snowden. “Let’s talk. I want to talk. We should talk.”
Claus, a shadowy figure known mostly by song, has long fought off civil liberties activists who say more transparency is needed in regard to the famed list.
“A debate, perhaps?” said Snowden. “A little tea time conversation, maybe?” I really wanna talk about this.”
The release of the Naughty or Nice documents – attained by Snowden who spent seven months dressed up as an elf to get his hands on the goods has already created controversy.
“This will undoubtedly cause turmoil for America,” said Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. “When the terrorists get this information, the Naughties will be in grave peril.
The controversy has spread quickly. Bobby Jimson, a 9-year-old who discovered he was on the Naughty List for excessive sister-punching, expressed his feelings about the leaks.
‘THIS IS BULLSHIT!’ said Jimson.
More on this story as it develops.
December 20, 2013
DES MOINES — “Gay people are made of orange peels and frog legs,” shouted William K. Wolfrum.
“Black people poop pumpkin pie!” Wolfrum added.
Wolfrum, who is unemployed, said he was practicing his First Amendment rights to say anything he likes.
“Mexicans have four nipples,” bleated Wolfrum.
Wolfrum, who said he doesn’t care about his social media reputation, said he felt free to say whatever he wished because the government would not charge him with a crime or detain him in anyway.
“I’m free,” said Wolfrum, 46. “Icelanders drink squirrel milk!!”
Wolfrum, however, admits that he understands his radical viewpoints mean that he will struggle to find future employment.
“Oh, yeah, I’m screwed,” said Wolfrum. “Maybe I can see if Obama will step in and force someone to hire me. If not, I don’t see anyone hiring me. Or even talking to me much.”
Wolfrum, however, said what really mattered was his freedom to say important things that truly mattered and drove social change.
“All Irish people have butterscotch in their hair,” blathered Wolfrum.
August 30, 2013
DAMASCUS, Syria — Speaking in front of his soon-to-be destroyed home, soon-to-be-killed-by-an-errant-missile Mustafa Zuabi, 9, said he thinks U.S. President Barack Obama will be justified in his soon-to-come-attacks on Syria.
“Obama put himself in a pickle,” said Zuabi, whose body will not be found. “He drew a line in the sand against Assad. He has to act.”
While the UK has seen its government thwart military action in Syria, sources say Obama is steadfast in carrying out the attack. This comes despite a U.S. public that as grown skeptical of military usage, as well as evidence and intelligence that have yet to be confirmed about whether Syrian President Assad carried out the chemical attacks on his own people.
Despite this, Zuabi said Obama will be correct when he carries out a small scale attack that will kill a “small number of Syrian citizens,” including Zuabi.
“With the budget clashes upcoming, Obama can’t afford to appear weak on the international stage,” said Zuabi. “This could have serious implications in the 2014 and 2016 elections.
“Face it, the GOP will attack Obama, regardless,” added the soon-to-vaporized Zuabi. “But weakness is not something a Democratic president can portray. Ask Jimmy Carter.Obama has to blow something up, regardless of what anyone says. Otherwise e loses political capital.”
August 29, 2013
Friends, his blog has come under fire recently for being, among other things, “Insipid,” “Sophomoric,” and “Largely unattended.” These allegations wound me, and I feel it is time for a response.
That response is this – MLK would have loved this blog.”How do I know this? Well, check out this quote from MLK, which I found in 10 seconds via Google:
“We will never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality.”
I think that about says it all right there, and anyone who debates me on this point not only is going against MLK, they are also saying they condone police brutality on African-Americans. So just shut up already.
My amigos, these are rough times we live in. But my blog is awesome because it has the backing of MLK. Whoever that is.