Needed: Non-Exploding Oil Platforms (updated)

I have a great respect for the intellect of my readers, so if one of you could maybe draw up some designs for an oil platform that won’t explode, that’d be just great.

Just E-mail me at wkwolfrum@gmail.com with the subject “Non-Exploding Oil Platform,” and your plans. Remember, if your plan involves an oil rig or platform that DOES explode, it will be disqualified.

I think we can make this happen.

Update: Astute Reader Dgun has used his engineering prowess to show off what he considers will be the perfect non-exploding oil platform:

Initial Examination: On the plus side, if you look to the left, you can see a fish, meaning this new, improved oil platform won’t harm sea life. This is good. But if you look more, you clearly see a specific plan for “Thing That Blows Up.”

Thus, while Dgun’s plan is engineered well, and protects fish, it includes the one flaw we were hoping to avoid. We will however share this plan with British Petroleum, because it seems to fit with their current engineering scheme.

Keep those plans coming!

–WKW

Potential Incident Could Be Result of Violent Left-Wing Or Right-Wing Maniacs!

NEW YORK — There has been a recent discovery that an unidentified person walked into an unidentified establishment between 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. sometime between Tuesday and Thursday this week. The person, reportedly between the age of 23 to 57, was possibly carrying “zero to four bags, sources confirmed.

The incident was originally reported at the Web site Drudge Report, under the headline “LIBERAL BAG-TOTING ACTIVIST REIGNS TERROR ON AMERICA.”

A nearby passerby said that there seemed to be something in the bags the person was carrying.

“You could tell, something was being hidden in those bags,” said the nearby passerby. “Otherwise, why the bags? I mean, if there were bags?”

“WHY THE BAGS???” reported The Huffington Post in 156-point font size on its front page.

Many of the Internet’s most important bloggers immediately began to comment on the story.

“I think once again, in an age of total war on civilization, people have shown that they will walk anywhere with bags,” wrote Ace at Ace of Spades. “And the terrorist-coddling Left-wing treasonists will just let it happen.”

Later, John Aravosis of AmericaBlog chimed in with his views on what many were describing as a potential, or non-potential incident, situation or action.

“Glenn Beck incites violence every, single day,” wrote Aravosis. “This is further proof that this incitement can only lead to incidents, even if those incidents are just potential, or not.”

Police later admitted that they lost track of the person with the
bags, and that the person could be anywhere in the five boroughs, if, in fact, the person existed at all

“Yeah, we don’t know,” said an unidentified officer. “But there were bags. At least someone said there were bags.”

Moments ago, on Fox News, pundit Michelle Malkin said she believed that President Barack Obama was squarely to be blamed.

“There’s this person with bags, while we have a terrorist loving President who wants to build a Mosque directly on top of the graves of those killed during 9/11,” said Malkin. “If we don’t round-up and put all Enviro-nut-case Muslims into camps – NOW – we’re just going to have more and more of these bag incidents and then be ruled by Sharia Law.”

More on this story as it becomes directly and/or indirectly available.

–WKW

Ayn Rand & Objectivism – Everything you need to know

Born in 1792 in Monaco, Aynamal “Ayn” Rand was a divisive figure from her very first day. Born with a twin sister, Rand consumed said twin out-of-utero, leaving little left but rib bones and patches of hair from the twin. This incident was inpirational to Rand, who was often quoted as saying “the weak, like my twin, must be used for food by the strong.”

A gifted student, Rand was a world-class juggler and spent her early days traveling throughout Europe in a circus. It is there, Rand said, that she added to her philosophical leanings. “If you listen to enough clowns, you’ll eventually believe anything,”she once told Maxim Magazine.

An adulteress, Rand went on to college at the University of Hawaii, where she continued to work on her life philosophy. “I realized that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. But if you shoot that man in the head, you get to keep the fish and help overall unemployment numbers.”

The middle years of Rand’s life are a confusing morass of information and misinformation. It is said she worked as a carny, hot dog vendor, and actress, notably starring as “Bonzo” in the Ronald Reagan film “Bedtime for Bonzo.” During this film, Rand had a short affair with Reagan, which was logical as Reagan was also an adulterer.

Rand wrote a pair of books, “The Fountainhead” and “Atlas Shrugged.” Sadly, both books were burned en mass and only a few survive today. The reasoning behind the burning of Rand’s books had little to do with its controversial material, but more because they were just so terribly bad that most American intellectuals believed their mere existence could destroy literacy around the globe.

Years later, Rand tried to foist on the word a new philosophy known as “Objectivism.” The key component to Objectivism can be stated thusly: “If someone has an object, kick them in the nuts and take that object. You are now the Objectivist.

The philosophy was met with almost universal hatred and much poo-throwing, with most admitting that even poo-throwing probably didn’t convey the pure fecal matter that had escaped from Rand’s obviously demented mind. Still, Rand did not back down from the criticism. As many objected to the book’s selfish themes, Rand fought back with her next book, simply titled “I Got Mine, You Can Suck It.” The book is extremely popular with people who are already rich and don’t want to feel guilty when they step over dirty bums on their way to work.

Ayn Rand was also a drug addict and homphobe. She despised L. Ron Hubbard because his scam was much more successful than hers. Ayn Rand died in 1982, and we’re all the better for it.

For more information on Rand, please use Google or the public libraries she so hated to research. If you find you still have an interest in Rand, start a small club and talk about her as much as you like. Or just talk to yourself about her, as her ideas make a great deal more sense when no one else is around to laugh at them.

Aside from that, don’t publicly comment about Rand anywhere, or you be be humiliated until you go away. Millions of words have already been wasted on her, and much like Flat-Earthism, Rand has been judged. Her pseudo-philosophical claptrap has long been tossed into the nonsense file of human thought, and the fact that you just learned about it doesn’t make her “philosophy” any less ridiculous.

–WKW

Anti-Muslim conservatives protest Liberal woman living in Hell’s Kitchen

NEW YORK – Ann Thomson, an 83-year-old widow, was awoken last last night to screams of protests by angry conservatives at her her home on 39th Street, in an area known as Hell’s Kitchen.

The protesters were angry that Thompson, a long-time liberal, had told a friend that she didn’t mind the Islamic Center being built two blocks away from Ground Zero.

Opponents chanted “No mosque, no way!” and carried signs reading, “9-11-01: Never Forget,” as Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” blared over loudspeakers.

Thomson, who has lived in the same apartment for 34 years, said she wasn’t sure what the fuss was all about.

“I read the papers and watch TV. I know that the center is for Sufi Muslims, and they are no friend to al Qaeda,” said Thomson.”

Still, the protesters, led by professional Muslim hater Pam Atlas, said having a liberal live so close to America’s Hallowed Ground was a slap in the face to all freedom loving people.

“I have records that show Thomson voted for Obama,” said Atlas, arms and legs akimbo. “If we are going to allow liberals to live within 50 blocks of the most hallowed ground in America, then we may as well just accept Sharia Law.”

For her part, Thomson seemed unperturbed by the protest.

“I just turned down my hearing aid and went to bed,” said Thomson. I had my gun ready, just in case. Because, you know, liberals are allowed to have guns, too.”

The crowd left Thomson’s building early in the morning, and went to scream at an Italian guy who was selling falafels in a cart near Broadway.

“The food of Satan,” screamed Atlas, hair akimbo.

–WKW

Obama Must Attend Westboro Baptist Church

America faces few problems worse than where and when Barack Obama goes to church. Sure, there are environmental catastrophes to worry about, an economy that shows no interest in bouncing back, wars on God knows how many fronts and unemployment high enough to make Herbert Hoover cringe.

But this is America. And Christ matters.

With 20 percent of Americans believing that Obama is actually a Muslim, it’s time for Obama to turn that tide. He and his family must join the whitest, most conservative Christian Church as possible.

This is why I believe Obama needs to start attending Westboro Baptist Church. Because if there’s one thing you can say about Fred Phelps’ group, it’s that they certainly aren’t Muslim. Crazed, hateful theocrats? Sure. But not Muslims.

Of course, Phelps and his followers have little respect for Obama, being convinced he’s the anti-Christ, and all, but a weekly excursion to Topeka, Kansas should change that. Obama is exceedingly personable and can tithe like few others. He will quickly become a popular figure.

And while some may blanch at Westboro’s “God Hates Fags” motto, Obama should be able to fit right in, not with words but with actions. Obama still believes gays and lesbians should not be allowed to serve in the military, and he also believes that Gays & Lesbians should be able to be fired for the offense of being Gay or Lesbian. At this stage of the game, Obama fits right in with Phelps’ Phreaks.

Mostly, though, church will be a place for Obama to go think. In an impromptu poll taken by the Chronicles, we’ve discovered that 80 percent of churchgoers don’t pay a lick of attention during a mass. By attending Westboro Baptist, Obama can have at least an hour of private time where he can contemplate the nation’s ills, how LeBron James will fit with the Miami Heat, and other important issues.

By attending Westboro Baptist Church, Obama will convince those 20 percent that he is not a Muslim. Sure, he’ll lose the other 80 percent entirely, but he can worry about that later. What matters now is that he just go to a Christian church. Any Christian church. Because only then can he get Politico, NPR, CNN, and other media sources off his back.

Because only by going to a Christian church regularly can Barack Obama include himself in the vast majority of Americans who go to a Christian church because they think they’re supposed to and spend the mass thinking about football.

Because, at the very least, thinking about football in a Christian church is much more politically important than debating whether Obama is Muslim or not.

–WKW

I am a Conservative

This may come as a shock to many of my most loyal readers, but I am, in fact, a conservative.

Yes, my friends, I am well aware of my reputation as a liberal. But those days are now gone. Because I have had an ideological shift, and now embrace Conservatism. Here are my core beliefs:

• I believe in a woman’s right to choose.
• I believe Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and ENDA must be immediately overturned.
• I believe people with different sexual preferences than I should have all the rights I have.
• I believe in Keynesian economics and the progressive tax.
• I believe the death penalty should be abolished.
• I believe the First Amendment is about government restricting speech, not private people criticizing my ideas.
• I believe if Americans want to build something and they follow the rule of law, they should be allowed to build whatever they wish.
• I believe in amnesty for illegal immigrants currently in the U.S. and an easing of U.S. immigration laws.
• I believe Obama’s stimulus package should have been much bigger.
• I believe Barack Obama is a Blue-Dog Democrat, not a Marxist maniac.
• I believe Barack Obama is a Christian born in Hawaii.
• I believe America needs stronger unions to protect employees.
• I believe “Supply-side Economics” is a Ponzi Scheme.
• I believe in diplomacy
• I believe in a nation of 300 million, with many aging, a strong social safety net is of vital importance.
• I believe Corporations and big business need strong regulations.
• I believe in man-made Climate Change.

I believe all these things and more, and as a Conservative, I will ignore the cackle of rads who fight me. I will battle tooth and nail to be heard in the big tent of conservatism.

Whatever you may think of my beliefs is of no matter to me. I march to my own right-wing drummer. Because if Sarah Palin can say she’s a feminist, then I can proudly state that I’m a Conservative.

–WKW

Thank you for not killing anyone

A good blog is a back-and-forth experience between writer and reader. When a blog reaches its apex, commentary and conversation meld together, making reader and writer one.

Of course, sometimes, this tight of a relationship can mean a level of complacency can creep in. Things can go unsaid. Which is why today, I’d like to send out a thank you to my readers.

Thank you, dear readers, for not killing anyone.

Thank you for not going into the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum with guns ablaze.

Thank you for not murdering police officers with your gun because you’re afraid Barack Obama will take it away.

Thank you for not killing police officers because you don’t understand what terms like “Nazi” and “Enslavement” mean.

Thank you for not murdering doctors who have the best interests of women at heart.

Thank you for not murdering church-goers because you hate liberals and gays.

Thank you for not threatening federal judges.

Thank you for not collecting arms to attempt a violent takeover of the government.

Thank you for not planning a mass murder at a non-profit organization because I mentioned them.

And most of all, thank you for being the type of readers who don’t have to be reminded not to murder anyone. Because that allows me to be the type of writer who doesn’t have to defend himself when politically motivated killings occur.

–WKW

John McCain to offer jobs to “Kathy the Teacher” and “Steven the Flight Attendant”

ARIZONA – In his latest Mavericky campaign maneuver, U.S. Senator John McCain has offered Alaska teacher Kathy Gustafson and former Jet Blue Flight attendant Steven Slater jobs within his campaign.

“Anyone who will stand up to vested Washington interests like Sarah Palin is a valuable asset,” said McCain. “Karen the Teacher could teach us all something.”

Many have questioned the McCain camp for reaching out to Gustafson, stating that Palin has endorsed McCain and that Gustafson obviously holds liberal values. Even more questions were asked when McCain reached out to Slater, who made national headlines for quitting his job via the Emergency slide. But while McCain insiders have admitted to not understanding how Gustafson and Slater will be used in the campaign, they are confident it will work out well.

“Joe the Plumber was just a fluke,” said an anonymous McCain campaign staff member. “Kathy the Teacher and Steven the Flight Attendant will rejuvenate our battle to be re-elected as Senator of the great state of Arizona, even if we don’t know anything about them.

“What could possibly go wrong,” the source added.

Gustafson and Slater could not be reached for comment. Joe the Plumber was denied the opportunity to comment.

–WKW

John Edwards to run for President in 2012 as ‘Newt Nullifier’

WASHINGTON – Humiliated former U.S. Senator John Edwards has announced to friends that he will likely campaign for the Presidency of the United States in 2012 as an Independent. Edwards will run under a singular campaign platform “What About Newt Gingrich’s Affairs?”

Those close to the Obama Administration said the Obama campaign reached out to Edwards recently. Edwards – originally thinking the call was to offer him a cabinet position – eagerly agreed to anything the President offered. What the President wanted was a fall guy, and few have fallen further than Edwards.

“John Edwards needs to pay penance to the Democratic Party,” said a White House Source. “Here’s how he pays us back.

The plan – leaked earlier today by Twikilings, Tucker Carlson’s new Web site – will call for Edwards to run only if Newt Gingrich runs for the GOP nomination for President. If that’s the case, Edwards will “take one for the team” and run on a purely “Hey, Newt did it more than me” platform,” financing his campaign personally.

“John is ready to do whatever it takes to show his supporters he’s back,” said a source close to the Edwards family. “John McCain survived an affair and horrible campaigning issues and he survived, so will John Edwards.

“And remember, Newt did it, too,” added the source.

–WKW

Make money The Huffington Post way with Sexism, Hyperbole and Woo

Being one of the most influential bloggers on the planet is no easy chore. The endless 18-hour work days can be hard on myself, and my family. Plus, the mainstream media and much of the general public have almost no respect for bloggers. And the pay is horrible.

Now, for the first two issues, there’s little I can do. I am dedicated to the craft, after all. But for the money part, I have learned that there is one thing I can do to make this blog lucrative. And that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going Huffington Postisize this bitch.

After having read Newsweek’s recent article on The Huffington Post, I saw how Arianna Huffington has turned her vision into a $30-million-a-year site that is now turning a profit. But what I didn’t see in the article were the three main strategies that made The Huffington Post the powerhouse it is today:

Sexism, hyperbole and woo.

And I can do all three of those things. In fact, I can two two of them right this very moment:

[Read more]

Ted Haggard over-repents, shooting past straight and right back to Gay

COLORADO – Hours after admitting that his sexual liason with a male prostitute was a “massage gone awry,” Ted Haggard has admitted he is again feeling Gay urges.

“What can I say,” said Haggard. “I over-repented and shot straight past being straight.”

Haggard, who gets paid to tell people how they are supposed to act, was forced to resign nearly four years ago as president of the politically powerful National Association of Evangelicals and to step down from the megachurch he founded, after admitting that he had bought methamphetamine from, and had a sexual encounter with a gay prostitute.

This time around, Haggard said it was a trip to a steam bath gone horribly wrong.

“I’m just minding my heterosexual business having a steam and then all hell broke loose,” said Haggard. “Then all of a sudden I’m doing meth and having sex with a dude named Chuck. I blame the steam.”

Haggard recently started a new church in his backyard and has built his congregation to more than 200 in just two months.

“Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football,” said Haggard, who also admitted to electrocuting a puppy during a “trip to a dog park gone awry.”

While this latest setback threatens his non-stop attempt to tell Gays and Lesbians they are going to Hell, Haggard said he feels like he’s ready to give it all one more shot.

“I need to be leading a church,” said Haggard. “I’m hoping that this time around, I repent the exact right amount to be heterosexual.”

–WKW

Obama to appear on “The View” – But not with Elisabeth Hasselbeck

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama will become the first sitting President to appear on a daytime talk show, as he will join the ladies of “The View” later this week – with one notable exception.

“The Obama Administration made it perfectly clear that he would not appear on the show if Elisabeth Hasselbeck is even allowed on the set,” said an insider at “The View.” “And no one here seems to have a problem with that.”

For the show with Obama, Hasselbeck will be replaced by MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. For the duration of the show, Hasselbeck will be placed under house arrest by the Secret Service, to guarantee she gets nowhere near the President, sources say.

While some at “The View” have complained that the Obama Administration is shying away from a potential showdown with Hasselbeck – one of the most important Conservative voices in Hollywood – others have painted in much more sinister colors.

“Once again, Obama is showing his hatred of white people,” said Glenn Beck today on his radio show. “If there was ever a more perfect example of a beautiful Aryan woman, it’s Hasselbeck. And that threatens Obama.”

For her part, Hasselbeck said she’s trying to see the bright side to the snub.

“I would have really enjoyed giving the President a piece of my mind,” said Hasselbeck. “But that’s about all I have, so maybe this is for the best.

“And maybe some woman will be watching and see I’m not there and decide not to have a superficial abortion,” added Hasselbeck. “Praise Jesus.”

Still, Hasselbeck has some in her corner, as journalists Andrew Breitbart and Tucker Carlson have announced that they will launch a full investigation into the Hasselbeck snub, as well as investigations into Obama’s choice of ties, his connection to the e-mail group Journolist and a expose on Michelle Obama’s dresses.

–WKW

Obama’s Secret Death Squads and FEMA camps must have strong liberal values

A while back, in a discussion on Journolist, a group of us left-wing journalists got together and discussed how best we could help implement Barack Obama’s plans to send roving death squads after his opposition and how to best handle the FEMA Concentration Camps where he will enslave conservatives.

“We can make a list,” offered Ezra Klein, who advises that for nearly any situation.

“We can set them on fire,” said Dave Weigel. “Fire!!!!”

After the initial emotional responses, however, the discussion turned more ideological. That is when we – with advice from George Soros – came to an important realization: Obama’s Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must hold strong liberal values.

My friends, roving squads of death have rarely conformed to the political correctness needed to thrive in today’s world. So often, these secret gangs have been demonized for their attitudes and mindset. But today, with a progressive in the White House, it is time to liberalize these paid assassins. And, simultaneously, it is time to ensure that our FEMA Concentration Camps are held to the highest standards.

For the Death Squads, there will be no more mocking of victims. Sure, it would be easy to mock and taunt Glenn Beck before assassinating him. But that’s not a liberal virtue. Making fun of Rush Limbaugh’s weight before double-tapping him is also not something a good liberal should undertake.

And when dragging those that oppose Obama to FEMA concentration camps, they should never drag by the hair. Also, camp detainees should not be waterboarded or tortured in any way, except for what is needed to cleanse their minds of “Unhappy Thoughts.” This liberal treatment will help them work the 22-hour days that will be required to clean up the messes they’ve made in the United States and abroad.

Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must hold true to progressive wisdom. There must be a sense of helping others in these eventual killings and kidnappings.

“Force them to change their wills so they give everything to the poor,” wrote the Washington Independent’s Spencer Ackerman on Journolist. “Then kill or enslave them, but, you know, nicely.”

Ackerman’s wisdom must not be overlooked. Sure, Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads could go around killing his opposition willy-nilly, while hair-dragging conservatives to the nearest FEMA Concentration Camp. But that would go against everything we stand for, and all that we believe. We know that the Death Squads and Concentration Camps are a vital first step in lowering unemployment and ensuring liberty for all that aren’t killed or enslaved. And if approached with a progressive philosophy, our European, Middle Eastern and South American allies will back us every step of the way.

Comrades, our initial plans to do away with our opposition with the Health Care Reform Death Panels were scuttled by a meddling Sarah Palin. But soon, martial law shall be declared, and we must be ready, organized, and most of all, liberal.

Simply put, Barack Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must have strong liberal values. Because if we forfeit our values while raining death and enslavement upon our opponents, in the end, we are just no better than them.

–WKW

More Reading: Soothe your hate at “William K. Wolfrum’s Angry Racist Douchebag Happy Fun Camp”

Lindsay Lohan has shootout with Police – had plans for killing spree

Lindsay Lohan, described by her mother as angry at left-wing politicians, opened fire on California Highway Patrol officers on an Oakland freeway. Officers later found plans for a possible terrorist act against the public in Lohan’s possession.

Lohan was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder for shooting at the CHP officers and Oakland police said he may face other charges.

Investigators examining the scene of the early morning gun battle believe Lohan had plans to carry out a possibly massive violent act before being stopped by CHP.

Three CHP vehicles had their windows shot out, but no officers were shot, police said. They said Lohan was armed with a rifle and a shotgun as well as the handgun and fired at least two of the weapons during the shootout.

Lohans’ mother said her daughter had been living next door and taking care of her father’s house and land. She said she had been released from prison about two hours earlier.

She said her daughter, who had been an actress and singer before her imprisonment, was angry about her unemployment and about “what’s happening to our country.”

Lohan watched the news on television and was upset by “the way Congress was railroading through all these left-wing agenda items,” her mother said.

Lohan said she kept the guns because “eventually, I think we’re going to be caught up in a revolution.”

“In a very real sense, he may have been going to a location where there were a lot of people that he was going to inflict serious bodily injury and or death,” said CHP spokesman Tim Johnson. “But fortunately, our officers intercepted him.”

“Maybe her fame will get people to notice this story,” added Johnson. “It would be pretty amazing if they just ignored it. This seems like a pretty newsworthy story.”

–WKW

Newt Gingrich planning to run for President or commit adultery in 2012

WASHINGTON — Former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich said Monday he’s seriously considering seeking the Republican presidential nomination or cheating on his wife in 2012 and will announce his decision early next year.

Gingrich, 67, said he would focus on helping Republican candidates through the midterm elections in November, then decide in February or March whether to seek the GOP nomination or to commit adultery.

“I’ve never been this serious,” Gingrich said. “About either possibility”

The former speaker, who championed a family values agenda, spearheaded efforts to impeach Clinton for perjury over his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Gingrich later admitted having an extramarital affair of his own in 1998 with a former congressional aide, Callista Bisek. He married Bisek after divorcing his second wife, Marianne.

Gingrich said he was fully prepared to enter the political fray or another woman.

“I’ll have the best team surrounding me if I run, or if I cheat on my wife,” said Gingrich, who famously negotiated divorce proceedings with his first wife while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. “I’ll be looking for top political operatives and capable wingmen.”

Gingrich said it remained a possibility he’d do both.

“At 67, I don’t know if it’s physically doable,” said Gingrich, who also did not discount a fourth or fifth marriage. “But with the respect I have for both American politics and the sanctity of marriage, I just might try.”

–WKW

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