William K. Wolfrum

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

As an American, I’m always on the lookout for endeavors that would be considered heroic. This is generally easy enough because any and all American endeavors are heroic, by definition. But this time, I see that the country is in need, and I will fill that need.

You see, recently, President George W. Bush has stated several hundred times that there have been no new oil refineries built since 1976 and that America could really use some new ones. Bush never points out that no one has offered to build a refinery since 1976, but such lapses are to be accepted from the President, who is busy with other activities such as not golfing.

This is where I will heroically step in. I will build an oil refinery.

Now sure, there will be naysayers, saying nay, as they are prone to do. But I am serious about this. Some may look at my record and see that I have no experience in the oil industry, no knowledge of engineering, and have even failed miserably in attempts to build simple models of sports cars and the such. But I am an American. And everything an American sets out to do can be done.

This project will by no means be simple. However, having recently seen the film “There Will Be Blood,” I feel I have the gist of the oil industry. To put it in layperson’s terms, there’s a lot of milkshake out there that needs some refining. And I plan on refining the holy hell out of it.

I will need help, of course. Primarily I’ll need one of those no-bid government contracts. For say, $300 billion, to start. And if we could make it one of those cost-plus deals, well, that would be just great.

But I’ll also need help from many other Americans. This is the beauty of my plan. Not only will I build a refinery, I will put Americans to work. Because I’d have to assume I’d need a lot of workers to build an oil refinery. Welders, especially. That just seems like a no brainer. Lots of welding needed to build a refinery.

In the end, I envision one hell of an oil refinery. People will bring me oil, all crude and disheveled, and I will refine it. And people will say “Wow, that sure is some refined oil. That sure was a great idea to build an oil refinery. Especially after Exxon, Shell, BP, etc., refused to build one since 1976.”

So my friends, I hope you work with me on this massive project that will save America. Together, we can build a refinery that will have Americans paying $.50 a gallon at the pump and a good steak will only cost a nickel. All because of my refinery.

I have already begun the planning stages for the refinery, and have found the perfect location for it, which you can see by clicking here.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

Below is an exclusive except from my upcoming book “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade” which will be released in the Fall of the year I finish it and published by the publishing company that wins the inevitable bidding war.

Chapter 4
1.
Fascism is not a four-letter word
It was the mid-1930s when Adolf Hitler jauntily strolled through Vienna with genocide in his heart and loving on his mind. Hitler had just taken to wearing the minuscule mustache that would eventually become his trademark. Then known as the Hafenhagenstache (Half-Weasel Mustache), Young Adolf was but following the current craze. At the time, the smaller a man’s mustache and the more perfectly centered it was a sign of virility. Gossip magazines of the time were full of pictures of young men with facial hair that barely covered the philtrum, with such captions as “Guten Gott, das dude gottan gam” (”Good God that dude’s got game.”)

Ironically, it was Hitler himself (who, despite lamentations to the opposite, was not a Fascist but a social Democrat in the mold of Ted Kennedy and Sean Penn) who laid waste to the Hafenhagenstach. Because while the mustache itself was guilty of no crimes whatsoever, it’s proximity to the genocidal dictator who kick-started World War II made the Hafenhagenstach strictly “verboten” (Not cool).

Such is the situation with the word Fascism. According to Wikipedia: “In contemporary political discourse, the term fascist is often used by adherents of some ideologies as a pejorative description of their opponents.”

This is unfortunate, as many great Americans, including Prescott Bush were, in fact, Fascists. Thus the great name of Bush has been sullied by a simple word. Keep in mind, the word “Fascism” has committed no crime, and only gets a bad rap due to its association with bad Fascists, such as Mussolini, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore.

This creates a conundrum of sorts. The United States of America is now a kick-ass Fascist state, yet everyone is utterly mortified at actually using the word “Fascism.” This is not something that should be a problem, however. One need only look at the Hafenhagenstach. After the Hafenhagenstach was sullied by Hitler, new facial hair styles came into being that took its place, while implying the same thing. The handle-bar mustache, mutton chops and the “Amish Look” have all ascended to take the place of the Hafenhagenstach. One look at a person with mutton chops, a person can quickly make two oft-accurate assumptions - One, the dude can party, and two, the dude is undoubtedly a kick-ass Fascist.

For Fascism to become “Non-Verboten (Not Not Cool), it simply needs a rebranding of sorts. Basically, a name change is demanded. Some examples of potential name changes include “Americanism,” “Patriotism,” or “MileyCyrusism.”

Watch how easily this works, by looking at the definition of Fascism at Merriam-Webster:

Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

See how bad that sounds? Now let’s try it a different way:

MileyCyrusism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Much better. After all, how can anything associated with the adorable Miley Cyrus be bad? Americans are by no means ready to be known as Fascists. But being known as MileyCyrusists is something that would quickly catch on, allowing Americans to feel more comfortable being part of a current American system that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

To help prove this point, the archaic and misunderstood word “Fascism” will be replaced with “MileyCyrusism” for the remainder of this chapter.

2.

The 10 Steps of MileyCyrusism

Author and journalist Naomi Wolf created a stir when she chronicled America’s move to MileyCyrusism in the article “(MileyCyrusist) America, in 10 easy steps.” Once again, semantics trumped reality. Because while Wolf was not incorrect in her assessment, her verbiage left much to be desired. Mileycyrusism was once again painted as some horrifying futuristic nightmare, as opposed to the fact that it’s a current reality in the United States. But think about it. If you live in the U.S., you are currently a MileyCyrusist. Do you feel any different? Probably not, because you’ve come to accept your position in life, and there’s a Wal-Mart right around the corner where you can not only get a job as a greeter, but you can get Ramen and sweatshop-made sneakers for little more than eight hours work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Basically, MileyCyrusism ain’t so bad. But according to Wolf, the way the U.S. has gotten to this point has been through an awful barrage of events. But it’s all just semantics. Take a look at the “10 Steps toward (MileyCyrusism)” and you’ll see how much words matter, and how things may not be quite as bad as you may think. First, I will show you how Wolf described each point, then I will show you how a true MileyCyrusist should interpret these steps:

Wolf

1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
2. Create a gulag
3. Develop a thug caste
4. Set up an internal surveillance system
5. Harass citizens’ groups
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
7. Target key individuals
8. Control the press
9. Dissent equals treason
10. Suspend the rule of law

It all sounds so threatening the way Wolf puts it. But if you take away the partisan spin, you’ll see that these 10 steps toward MileyCyrusism are truly positive:

MileyCyrusism

1. We’re good. They’re evil
2. Emphasize resort living
3. Employ the strong
4. Keep an eye on things
5. Keep open dialog with the people
6. Catch and release in fishing = good. Catch and realease with people = Great!
7. Celebrate individuality
8. Work toward making a stronger media
9. You can’t smile if you’re complaining
10. What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? MileyCyrusism in Action!

You see? We’ve moved toward MileyCyrusism with nothing but good intentions. And now that we’ve achieved nearly complete MileyCyrusism in the United States, it’s truly self-defeating to fear admitting it to ourselves and others. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the history of history. Now is not the time to cringe and whimper over semantics. So stand strong and tall and announce to the world “I am a MileyCyrusist!” You’ll feel better, and more attuned to reality.

Coming Soon: Chapter 5: Why IslamoMileyCyrusists aren’t real MileyCyrusists.

–WKW

HELL — Despite a commitment to “Faith-Based” programs, a new report from St. John’s University shows that there are more Americans going to hell than ever before. In a retroactive study, the report shows that new U.S. entries into Hell have shot up more than 2,000 percent over the past seven years alone.

“This is just fucking awesome,” said Satan in a telephone interview.

The report breaks down the reasons for those being spent to Hades, with Pride and Greed ranking as the top two. The report also takes a look at personality types who have been sent straight to Hell over the past seven years, with “Dittoheads” and “Torture Apologists” being the most popular new members. Satan said it’s been a boom time in Hades.

“We’ve been growing by leaps and bounds,” said Satan, taking a brief respite from gorging on the entrails of Milton Friedman. “We’ve been expanding like never before.”

Satan went on to add that Halliburton has received the majority of the expansion contracts, most coming through a no-bid process.

“They really know what their doing and are the only company I can see that has the ability to make the changes we need,” said Satan.

Many believed that the emergence of “Faith-Based” programs, as instituted by U.S. President George W. Bush, would eventually slow entrances to Hell to a crawl. Instead, it’s been a virtual stampede. Some experts have claimed, however, that such a result was easy to predict.

“Let’s see, No Child Left Behind leaves behind children, the $6-billion Reading First program has left more children unable to read, abstinence-only programs have led to higher teen pregnancy rates, etc., etc.,” said a despondent Jesus Christ from a bar in Sacramento, Calif. “I’m pretty sure if the Bush Administration started a ‘Nipple Protection’ program, the U.S. would be a nipple-less society inside of six months.”

Still, while more and more Americans face up to an eternity of Hellfire, there have been some positive results. Notably, shares of Infernus Industries have risen more than 300 percent over the past quarter alone.

“Seriously, this has just been fucking fantastic,” said Satan.

–WKW

My friends, it is time I admit to a hidden truth. I am 62 percent Muslim.

I’m not sure how it happened. Deep in my heart, I believe Islam, Christianity and Judaism are all quite similar to Scientology - as cults. The “Big Three” just has the advantage of having been around so long that people accept them as respectable. But they’re all the same to me.

Nonetheless, it turns out I am 62 percent Muslim. Which makes me 62 percent more likely to be enslaved and tortured in a U.S. internment camp like Guantanamo Bay, or somewhere in the hills of Romania. Hopefully, I’ll catch a break as despite being 62 percent Muslim, I am really, really a crappy Muslim. Hell, I’m eating a pork sandwich as I type this.

But I respect the fact that 62 percent of me is a non-believing, non-practicing Muslim. I’m not sure what the rest of me is, but my latest trip to the doctor leads me to believe a good portion of the other 38 percent is pure cholesterol.

Anyway, I just wanted to be open and honest about how I break down on a percentile basis when it comes to being a Muslim. Feel free to find out how Muslim you are at Are You a Muslim?

–WKW

From the year 2015, an excerpt from the Wikipedia biography of President John W. McCain:

“When McCain won the U.S. Presidency (controversially winning nine states by one vote each), the United States had reached lows it had not seen since the Great Depression era. With the nation at war on four fronts as he took office (Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Alabama), McCain quickly responded by taking an 87-day holiday and changing his middle initial to “Dubya.”

Upon returning to office, McCain continued to do little but show old movies of himself to people visiting the White House. It was under these circumstances that the U.S. reached full recovery.

It was Sept. 2009 when the “American Miracle,” as many have taken to calling it, began. First, the dollar strengthened based on absolutely nothing. Job creation also skyrocketed, as business owners around the nation decided that hiring people could be a way for their companies to stop hemorrhaging money. Acting on this news, oil prices plummeted to $42 a barrel, and the price of gas at U.S. pumps averaged $1.28 a gallon.

Health insurance rates plummeted based on the “well, everyone else is doing it,” economic theory. Wealth inequality closed dramatically as the poor were not anywhere near as poor and the rich were just slightly less rich. All U.S. infrastructure simultaneously strengthened in 2010, based on what McCain called the “successful privatization of the U.S. infrastructure.” Critics pointed out that no private companies had done anything, and that it had all just sort of “happened.”

Not long after the American Economic Miracle came the American Military Miracle. Basically, based on the news of the strengthened dollar, radical Islamicists all spontaneously gave up and supported a democratic system with a Freidman-inspired economy in Iraq, Iran, and Syria and promised never to do terrorism again. Alabama chose to continue to its Civil War battle, however, albeit it peacefully.

McCain never admitted to knowing how it all occurred, instead lavishing praise on the Conservative Ideology. “I’m a Conservative, so I knew along everything would come together,” said McCain in 2014. McCain also pointed to conservatism for the victory in the drug war, as everyone stopped doing any type of non-legal drug, all stating that they were too high on life to get high on anything else.

Former President George W. Bush was quick to take credit for most everything, however.

“I always knew my legacy would show my greatness. Now, as I live my legacy, I only look forward to an even better legacy in the years to come,” Bush told the New York Times in 2014 from his compound in Paraguay. Still, Bush was unable to exactly explain how the “American Miracle” took place. “First off, I think by sheer force of personality, I created a better world. Secondly, God.”

The McCain Presidency has been called the “Second Camelot” by many, as the public enjoyed peace and prosperity. McCain’s vibrant personality and jovial personality gave Americans a standard bearer for how to react during bad times. And by just thinking more positively as a nation, as some government officials stated, everything just magically got better.

Whether a critic or a fan, few can doubt that John McCain was the greatest U.S. President of the 21st century. Without having a plan, without actually doing anything, McCain saved the United States of America.”

–WKW

WASHINGTON — New found evidence has shown that President George W. Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney were officially in the White House when two wars were ordered, leading to widespread death and a complete embarrassment for the nation as both wars turned into horrible failures while leaving the nation’s military in shambles, according to experts.

The new evidence also points out that Bush and Cheney were in the White House as the nation’s economy tanked, home foreclosures went through the roof, the federal deficit exploded, widespread corruption occurred, oil and gas prices hit record highs, and wealth inequality widened substantially.

The evidence also points that Bush and Cheney were in the White House when Habeas Corpus ceased to exist in the U.S., torture became legalized, and eavesdropping on Americans became commonplace.

When asked for comment, Cheney said simply, “So?”

Also, the entire mainstream media has jumped on the possibility that Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton may have possibly been in the White House while her husband Bill was having an affair more than 12 years ago.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

This year, more than ever, being a Blogger is the most important job in the world, and I say this without a whit of hyperbole.

However, being a top-notch Blogger has many responsibilities. Such as, one must be entirely clean from even the whiff of scandalous statements. There is no way a blogger can get his or her message across if someone, somewhere said something that offended someone else, somewhere else.

That is why today, I, William K. Wolfrum, officially denounce everything everybody has ever said, anywhere, ever.

I take this action because my staff has informed that people can be offended by a wide range of comments from “The Pope is a Bastard” to “Hey Sally, good morning!”

That is why I felt it necessary to what’s now known as a “mass denunciation” of all comments ever made on this planet. Please note, I also denounce my use of the phrases “The Pope is a Bastard” and “Hey Sally, good morning!” and apologize for using them and hope people will see that I was just using them as an example.

In fact, let’s be honest, most the things I’ve written, said, and even thought throughout my life have been controversial and offensive, to say the least. I denounce all of it, effective immediately. I hope my self-denunciation shows how serious I am on this effort to distance myself from all things offensive so that the nation’s dialogue can continue.

I’d like to point out that I am firm in my denouncements. I am not in any way trying to sneak a secret message across to the media, where reporters or fellow bloggers could grab a statement from here and use it as something to denounce me for. My denouncement is all-encompassing, and done with complete and utter honesty, and, in fact, includes a complete denouncement of this Statement of Denouncement.

I hope this statement clears things up about my beliefs of the statements of others. Because during this time of great importance, it’s vital we are all able to focus on real issues, like Eliot Spitzer’s recent bust on prostitution charges.

Note: I also denounce my above usage of the words “prostitution” and “Spitzer.”

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

In my more than two eons as an American, most of that time spent as a political pundit of some note, I have come to the conclusion that the last thing the U.S. needs is another American president. It is my opinion that at this point in U.S. history, having an actual American hold the U.S. presidency would be national suicide.

In fact, since the end of World War II, Americans have become increasingly incompetent as leaders of the U.S., leading us to the apex of incompetence - George W. Bush. This downward spiral shows no signs of stopping. While perhaps a Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton presidency could give the appearance of improvement, in the end it is my opinion that their innate Americanism will ultimately lead them to more foolish decisions that will continue the U.S. on its downhill spiral.

Things didn’t used to be this way. Great Americans such as George Washington, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson helped create a nation that was a grand experiment of democracy and freedom. Here is the kicker, however - none of them were “Americans” per se. They were born as “British Americans.”

You need to go all the way to the eighth President - Martin Van Buren - to have a U.S. president that was born a bona fide American. And what is Van Buren best known for? The Panic of 1837 and the creation of political parties in the U.S., neither of which did anyone any good, whatsoever.

If Van Buren showed us anything, it was that true Americans were inept when it came to leading the country. Since then, there have been basically two American Presidents - Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt that have been worth the paper of the monies of which they adorn - and even they have their detractors.

This year more than ever, with the presence of Clinton and Obama as potential candidates, much has been made that for more than 230 years, the U.S. Presidency has been the exclusive domain of white males. But that issue overlooks the fact that the majority of these white men were American. Therein lies the problem. Because Americans are hamstrung by several factors, including:

1) The inability to refer to the U.S. as anything other thatn “The Greatest Country in the World.”

2) A firm belief that diplomacy can only be conducted with cruise missiles and tanks.

3) An inability to conceive that any culture could be happy or strong if they aren’t modeled after, or run by proxy by the United States, and

4) A complete ignorance of actual American, and world history.
(more…)

John walked pensively down the hallway. He was just steps away from the man who had ruined his life. The man who had defeated him every way imaginable just eight years prior. And now he was going to a shady hotel room to meet with him alone. He shuddered. He was afraid, make no mistake, but he was oddly aroused as well.

Karl opened the door and looked past John, as if he didn’t exist. “Come in, John,” he said.

John walked into the seedy room. The smell of Aqua Velva and sulfur was in the air. He walked to the center of the room and began to turn to speak. But Karl was there with preternatural quickness, his breath searing into John’s melanoma.

“Now is not the time to speak, John. Now is the time for action,” Karl said, running his hand through John’s gray locks. “You need me John. After everything I’ve done. After every insult, every dirty trick, you need me.”

John quivered. He knew Karl was right. In 2000, he was a respected politician, a man who had bipartisan support like few Republicans ever imagined. But Karl had bested him, and savagely. Karl had convinced the right people that John had interracial dalliances that led to the adoption of a dark-skinned child. John never bounced back, never even tried, really. He had been mastered.

Since then, he had wandered about in a fog, accepting the loss of the primary and his integrity. He had subserviently done all that was told of him since then. He had backed the President in his every effort, no matter how moronic or how much it defied his natural instincts. Sure, he had kept up the charade in public, but he knew he was no match for Karl, and he would never dare to offend him.

Karl roughly turned John around so that now the two men were facing. ” Look at me, look into my eyes.” John complied, his eyes wide and accepting. “You’ve wanted me for years, John. You know I can get you where you want to be. You know I can either make or break you. So what will it be Johnny-boy? Make? Or Break?

John could not take his eyes away from Karl’s. The moment of truth had arrived. He knew that this man was his only chance, the one who could turn his weaknesses into strengths, the one who could slay his enemies. But he was still frightened, and his voice crackled as he said “Make.”

Karl sneered. “Say it again,” he said forcefully.

“Make,” said John, now eager for approval from the man who had once ruined him.

Karl smiled. He believed in his heart that he could mold John into whatever he wanted now. He owned him. His hands pushed down on John’s shoulders powerfully, and John complied.

“Now kneel, Maverick,” said Karl.

…

When it was over, John, still kneeling, had his head hung in shame. He knew he should feel wrong, but his ability to tell right from wrong had been horribly skewed these past eight years. In a way … it felt right.

Karl sensed John’s confusion and smiled as he zipped up his pants and tucked in his shirt. With one finger he tilted John’s head forward. “Look at me,” he commanded. John, his days as a man of strength now far behind him, did as he was directed.
“You just do what I say now, and everything will be okay, John. But don’t defy me. Don’t you ever defy me.”

John was transfixed by Karl’s stare. He started to wipe his face but was quickly cut off.

“Leave it,” said Karl, his assured tone forcing John again into submission. “I like it that way. Now watch Fox News tonight. I’ll be on with Chris Wallace. And you’ll get your prize for being such a good boy.”

Karl left the room. John stayed in his kneeling position, unable to move. Then he finally smiled. And the smile turned to gales of laughter as he realized that it just might happen. He could be President of the United States. At 71 years of age, kneeling in a dirty hotel room, he finally felt secure and safe. He was now Karl Rove’s boy.

–WKW

The world was shaken to its very core last week when gossip-mongers around the world pounced on pictures of Lisa Marie Presley looking overweight.

HER father fought and lost a long battle with the bulge, now Elvis Presley’s daughter Lisa Marie appears locked in a similar struggle.

The once-svelte 40-year-old was seen devouring her lunch at Hollywood food market The Grove at the weekend, Britain’s Daily Mail reports.

Dressed in a baggy tracksuit top and loose trousers, she sat hunched over her meal - a curry on a polystyrene plate.

It was a stark contrast to the slim figure she cut three years ago when she bore a striking resemblance to her mother, the trim actress Priscilla.

And not only was she looking overweight, she was also EATING. While HUNCHING. As you all know, eating is the No. 1 cause of obesity on the planet, and fat people should avoid it whenever possible and focus primarily on exercise and hiding from cameras.

Luckily, however, it appears that Lisa Marie will not be forced into a life of pill-popping self-loathing, because it turns out she’s just pregnant. Not Fat.

Presley admitted so on her MySpace Blog:

After being the target all week of slanderous and degrading stories, horribly manipulated pictures and articles in the media, I have had to show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant.

Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight. Starting with a London publication and then New York and Chicago all writing false defamatory degrading stories about all of the dark possible reasons I could be putting on weight. The US tabloids have been calling all day wanting confirmation on all kinds of insane theories.

They couldn’t wait to find out if my weight gain was because I was just overeating, in which case It would be open season and they can do the old following in her fathers sad and unfortunate demise story again or less interesting for them and probably much to their dismay, I could just be pregnant and therefore have a legitimate reason for weight gain at which point they should probably wipe the saliva off of their fangs and put them back in their mouths or they may expose the black little souls that they are.

So there you have it, Lisa Marie Presley is not the victim of illegitimate weight gain. Lisa Marie has gained weight in one of the only two ways that is legitimate, by being pregnant. The other legitimate reason for gaining weight is for a movie role, like Rene Zellweger in the “Bridget Jones” movies. But then it is only legit if you quickly lose all the weight you gained, plus 10 percent more. Any other weight gain is out of bounds and reason for public ridicule, especially if you wear baggy clothing and have a trim mom.

So folks, relax. Lisa Marie is not fat, she’s just pregnant. And she’ll be given the required two weeks after having the baby to show up at an awards show in a tight outfit to once again prove to the world that she’s not an embarrassing fatty.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville