A letter to the people of Iran

Dear People of Iran,

I saw that your government has been blocking foreign Web sites, so I’ll make this quick:

Could you guys please overthrow your current regime and replace it with something less strict and less crazy? Because, trust me on this, President Obama is just waiting for a good opportunity to build bipartisan support via bombing you guys into the Iraqian age. And Mr. Nobel Peace Prize will unleash hell upon you.

So if you could get started on overthrowing your current government – like, yesterday – that would really be great.

Hugs,

Bill

–WKW

NAMBLA: “At least we aren’t the Catholic Church”

For countless decades, Catholic parents around the globe sent their children to work with the Catholic Church in a variety of ways – alter boys, choir members, etc. Many times, this experience is helpful to the child, who learns responsibility, hard work and a deeper understanding of God.

And many other times, the child returns, completely broken and emotionally destroyed because they were sexually abused by pedophile Catholic priests.

Unlike the Catholic Church, we here at NAMBLA openly and honestly tell the public what we’re all about. We don’t internally hide things from people. We’re the North American Man-Boy Love Association, for God’s sake. But here at NAMBLA, we strongly discourage this type of behavior from the Catholic Church. Sure, we are a despicable organization bent on opening the floodgates of Man-Boy Love. But the simple fact is this – we barely exist any longer.

Because of this, we at NAMBLA feel unfairly maligned. Every election cycle, you can guarantee that you’ll hear about us and how every social program somehow leads your children to us and how every Democratic politician secretly belongs to our organization. We wish.

Now, while we’re used to this type of outrage against us – we are pretty freakin’ evil, after all – we feel that these attacks are unwarranted. NAMBLA should not be the boogieman that it has become. The Catholic Church should be that man of boogie.

Because the public’s outrage against us has made us an extremely insignificant organization over the years. Evil, but insignificant. For Catholics, however, the Church plays an important part in day-to-day life. And they molest kids like there’s a shortage of them.

Yet the Catholic Church remains a juggernaut, with the Vatican probably one of the richest “nations” on the planet. Despite truckloads of molested children and endless “scandals,” the Church continues to thrive, and few outright fear and hate it for its open molestations of children all around the globe.

This is why we, few NAMBLA members that aren’t rightfully in prison and haven’t been chased underground have come up with a new slogan: “NAMBLA – It’s not like we’re the Catholic Church.”

We feel this new slogan captures what we’re all about. Because we talk a good game, but real opportunities so rarely present themselves. At the Vatican, it’s possible that they all are pedophiles, and work endlessly to insure those interactions will continue.

So all we ask is this: When describing an evil organization, why not use the Catholic Church as an example? Let the ACLU try and defend them. Because we recognize that while we’re evil, the Catholic Church is much worse, but just with much better marketing.

So Remember: We don’t have a Pope. We don’t have altar boys. You never see 30 of us rounded up and arrested for illegal sex rings. We’re only “North American” and not international. We’re NAMBLA. And at least we’re not the Catholic Church.

–WKW

Atheist Catholic promises to stick with Church during these trying times

BRAZIL – Atheist blogger William K. Wolfrum – known primarily for posting pictures of his dogs – has come out in support of the Catholic Church today. A life-long Catholic, Wolfrum said it seemed that now was the time for him to “have the back” of his old faith.

Even though I don’t believe in anything they preach and think they’re evil is no reason for me to abandon them now,” said Wolfrum, who has attended one Catholic Mass in the last two decades. “I’m no hater.”

Recently, the Catholic Church had yet another massive scandal regarding abusing children in Ireland. Wolfrum said the allegations do not faze him.

“I don’t have a child, but if I did, I wouldn’t let a Catholic Church within 20 miles of my child,” said Wolfrum, who is currently between facial hair styles – another popular blogging topic for him. “You really have to blame the parents.

“It’s like the old story. A kid can’t get across the river, but there’s a Catholic Priest floating on his back in the water,” added Wolfrum. “The Priest offers to ride the kid to safety, promising not to molest him. Of course, the Priest does and says ‘what do you want from me, I’m a Catholic Priest.’”

Wolfrum, who said he hasn’t tithed in more than two decades but remains a good Catholic as far as the Church is aware, added that the world was used to the Catholic Church and they were just going to have to accept the molestings.

“The Catholic Church is an institution, and that will never change,” said Wolfrum. “Several hundred, or thousand abused children won’t change that.”

–WKW

‘Can’t Stop the Music’ – A Conservative masterpiece

Has it really already been 30 years? Three long decades since one of the most important Conservative moments overran this fine nation of ours?

Yes, it was 30 years ago since the stellar conservative film “Can’t Stop the Music,” with its themes of hard-work, love of country and personal responsibility hit theaters.

“Can’t Stop the Music” begins the way many an honest tale of heroic self-responsibility begins – with Steve Guttenberg roller-skating through a busy music store. Looking to follow his dreams of unique individualism, Guttenberg asks for a day off. When rebuffed by his manager, Guttenberg then extravagantly quits his job. He’s an American, and he dares to dream.

To showcase his joy at daring to dream, Guttenberg then roller-dances around the streets of New York.

Life Tip: Dare to Dream!

After the dance, Guttenberg runs in to friend Valerie Perrine. Guttenberg calls her fat, thus showcasing his natural dominance. The two head back to her place, where they meet Indian, who had broken in to watch TV.

There we learn that that Guttenberg quit his job so he could be a fill-in DJ for a night at a club. This is a remarkable achievement and showcases Guttenberg’s endless will, for he has no rhythm whatsoever. Indian, however, has rhythm to spare.

“My son, recording his very-first backyard album. Why, it’s just like Judy Garland,”- Steve Guttenberg’s Mom.

Still, Guttenberg will not be stopped. His are the dreams of the Henry Fords and Thomas Edisons. He will become a composer/DJ and nothing – not the color of his skin or utter lack of rhythm will stop him. All he asks for is a chance. And if it doesn’t work, it’s back to dental school like his father wants. Guttenberg’s a good boy.

Life Tip: Have a fall-back plan, like dentistry.

From there we go to the club where Guttenberg’s dream is beginning to become a reality. Indian works at the club, and is unfailingly polite and helpful.

At the club, we learn that Valerie Perrine was a top fashion model, but that she gave it all up to stay home and be worried like a good All-American girl. Then, everyone dances, with alpha males vying for Perrine’s attention on the dance floor. On the dance floor, Perrine meets Cowboy, who seems like just a fine fellow.

“Music is magic. I want to make that magic,”- Steve Guttenberg.

Indian dances for the benefit of the entire club. We meet Actor dazzling on the dance floor and finally suggestively cutting the rug with Perrine. Everyone continues dancing.

Still dancing.

Perrine decides Guttenberg should make a tape of his music and they should present it to a record executive. Guttenberg experiences his first pangs of fear of success. “But, but, but, it’s impossible,” says Guttenberg. Luckily, Perrine has dated most the important men in the music world, so it should be cool.

We go forward to the next day and we see Guttenberg hard at work writing music. This, people, is the key. Sure, Guttenberg could stay at home pouting, cursing his fate as a rhythm-less guy with little more than addle-brained enthusiasm. But, no. He Works to achieve his goals. Don’t let this lesson be lost on you.

Life Tip: Rhythm is overrated.

Perrine – dedicated to be a patriotic, stay-at-home woman – rebuffs her agent begging her to make a modeling comeback, intent to clean clothes and listen to Guttenberg bang on things rather than work.

Sadly, Perrine makes an incredible discovery – Guttenberg can’t sing. He’s going to need some singers!

In order to think about this dilemma, Perrine goes for an ice cream, where she meets Indian. He is upset because his feather doesn’t fit correctly. He can, however, sing, and Perrine quickly hires him.

Perrine then runs into Cowboy. He can’t sing, and Perrine quickly hires him.

Perrine meets up with Cop. He likes Judy Garland, but for strictly selfish reasons. A music video breaks out. Cop can’t sing. Not a lick. And Perrine quickly hires him.

We meet Olympic Champion and Great American Bruce Jenner. He has apparently just fled a prom. He gets mugged by an old lady, signifying just how bad the culture has gotten. In the meantime, Valerie Perrine’s agent decides the best way to get her client back to modeling is by skulking around New York looking conspicuous.

There is serious chemistry between Indian and Valerie Perrine’s friend Lulu. The two are old-fashioned, however, and neither acts on their carnal desires.

With Indian, Actor and Cowboy, Guttenberg gives his singers direction on his song. It is quickly obvious that Guttenberg has no knowledge of music whatsoever, doing little more than making spasmodic hand gestures while repeatedly changing lead singers. His lack of any actual music knowledge makes his pursuit of his dreams even more noble.

Life Tip: If you don’t know something, fake it!

Showing that she has her own weaknesses, Lulu offers Guttenberg a marijuana joint. Guttenberg – being young and easily misled by the charms of the older Lulu – succumbs to this gateway drug.

Bruce Jenner turns up at Valerie Perrine’s apartment. He lives next door to her sister and was delivering a cake to Perrine. Because that’s the kind of Patriot Bruce Jenner is. He is, however, rightly angered by the state of the world and the fact that he got mugged by an old lady.

Cop shows up. He can sing. And he’s apparently a real cop. He thinks Indian looks ridiculous.

Guttenberg and Lulu re-emerge from a room, quite stoned. Lulu says next time she\ll bring him some “Magic Mushrooms.” She won’t be happy until Guttenberg’s on the streets, destroyed from drugs and the kindnesses of older women.

Life Tip: Say no to drugs.

Showcasing his stoic, staus-quianism, Jenner openly wonders why there are people dressed like cowboys and Indians. No real answer is given and again. Guttenberg’s mom shows up and the question is never broached again.

Perrine’s agent skulks near the party. While her techniques are controversial – even, self-defeating – one must admire her go-forward capitalistic approach. Perrine is money in the bank. And her agent refuses to give up on her.

While everyone is eating, Guttenberg’s Mom – showcasing how much the elderly have to offer society – gives a rousin speech that lifts everyone’s spirit. Cop, Actor, Indian and Cowboy take their spots. And perform. It’s quite catchy. There may be hope for Guttenberg yet.

Everyone dances.

It’s finally all too much for Jenner who storms out being very judgmental about all the hard-working patriots singing and dancing at Perrine’s home.

A day passes and Perrine is coming back from shopping Guttenberg’s music to producers. They are all depraved animals, all demanding sex-for-sales. Perrine refuses. She will make it the old-fashioned way. By hitting up an old boyfriend who is in the music industry.

Life Tip: Use your contacts!

Guttenberg admits he has sworn off relationships until he’s made it in the music world. His earnestness knows no bounds.

Perrine goes to meet the Ex-Boyfriend record producer. She lets it all hang out, knowing that success is something we all have to fight for in life. Her ex-boyfriend says he changed (but really he hasn’t.)

Perrine’s act works as she gets the ex-boyfriend to commit to making a demo tape for Guttenberg, Cop, Indian, Cowboy and Actor. Like Guttenberg, however, Perrine admits she has taken a vow of chastity until her group is a hit.

“Hey, how’s the Indian?” — Bruce Jenner

As it turns out, Jenner is the ex-boyfriend’s tax lawyer. The movie is terribly ironic that way. Jenner meets Perrine as she’s leaving, and works his way out of the doghouse with her, and – in allowing them to use his office to rehearse – is the latest to join Team Guttenberg Cowboy Indian Cop Actor Perrine.

Perrine and Jenner start to hit it off. Jenner is married, but getting a divorce. So it’s cool.

Life Tip: Don’t get all flustered when someone says they’re married.

Needing two more members Team Guttenberg Cowboy Indian Cop Actor Perrine Jenner holds open tryouts in Jenners’ office. A bevy of hopefuls show up, including Buster Zawinski, who comes out dressed in a blue costume and lifts weights while singing a few verses of “Macho Man,” and then stripping. Some in the group – mostly Cowboy – feel he’s extremely talented.

“Anybody that can swallow two SnoBall’s and a Ding-Dong shouldn’t have a problem with pride,” – Steve Guttenberg.

But this is an important decision and no one can be overlooked. The success of the band demands more singers (due to Guttenberg’s complicated music making). But Jenner’s parents arrive at his office and you can see the Mommy & Daddy Issues come pouring out of him. Will Jenner be able to fight for this dream (which, mind you, is only his dream due to the need to impress Perrine).

But, as if to show how hard work and dedication is always rewarded, Jenner’s mom inadvertently comes up with the name of the band.

They are the Village People.

First, however, they must find two more singers. The first new singer is biker, who regales them all with a heart-breaking, old-fashioned version of “Danny Boy.”

Before they can get the second singer, Jenner and his father have it out with Jenner’s father telling him that he should stick to tax law. Jenner explodes with an Ayn Rand-ian flourish of fiscal responsibility: “This country is over-taxed and so am I! I quit!!”

Life Tip: Cut taxes.

Finally, the Village People are a full group – Indian, Cowboy, Cop, Actor, Biker and Soldier – Soldier never having actually been offered a spot, but hanging around because he has a uniform, apparently.

A music video about the YMCA breaks out. Young, healthy boys playing sports and dancing around shirtless. What could be more American.

The Village People arrive for the demo taping day with Perrine’s ex-boyfriend/record producer. “I hate Halloween,” says the ex-boyfriend producer.

The boys deliver a toe-tapping song called “Liberation,” and the ex-boyfriend/record producer is not impressed. “My intuition tells me not to get involved,” he says. But he makes a low offer and Perrine angrily refuses.

But Jenner and Guttenberg – like any good men – have been working overtime and have found a club for Village People to play. The press and opinion makers will be there! There will be a big profit! The Village People are going to put on a show!

But to show that she is no ordinary model, Perrine convinces her agent to do a commercial with her and the Village People. Everything is working out!

Life Tip: Life will work out.

In the guise of a milk commercial, a music video breaks out.

But the video doesn’t work. Jenner goes back to being judgmental and rightly castigates Perrine for dressing so provocatively in the commercial. Also, the Milk people didn’t like it. Not at all.

Life Tip: Don’t get risky with the milk people.

Jenner’s Mom comes through, however, as she finds the perfect place for the Village People to perform.

Now Jenner is jealous of Perrine, thinking she’d sleep with her ex-boyfriend/Record Producer to get the band a record deal. Jenner shows that sometimes being born with everything isn’t enough. Will he be able to show Perrine that he’s not a judgmental, jealous and a jerk?

After a brief interlude on a private jet, the Richie Family gets its own music video.

It finally all comes together. The team has a two-record guaranteed album. Jenner’s dad comes back groveling. Jenner proposes to Perrine. Lulu takes over as roadie. And then, finally, Indian, Cowboy, Actor, Cop, Biker and soldier take the stage.

When all is said and done, it’s easy to see why “Can’t Stop the Music” maintains its Conservative gravitas until today. It is a story of average Americans – Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine, Indian, Bruce Jenner, Actor, Cowboy, Soldier and Biker – who have dreams, follow them and achieve them. In America.

Hollywood is endlessly sending out liberally biased movies that disenfranchise the conservative movement. But just remember, 30 years ago, it all changed. “Can’t Stop the Music” is a true Conservative treasure.

–WKW

–Dedicated to Jon Swift.

Costa Rica to re-institute military to keep Rush Limbaugh out

COSTA RICA – Calling it the “greatest threat our nation has ever faced,” Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

“We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now,” said Arias. “We don’t want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud.”

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States.

“I don’t know. I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” said Limbaugh.

Arias said he would not allow his nation to suffer the same fate as the U.S. and called for every man, woman and child in the nation to join the military and guard the borders. Costa Rica has not had an active military since 1948.

“This is the greatest threat our democracy has ever faced,” said Arias. “If Limbaugh gets in, then Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Ann Coulter will surely follow.

“We cannot allow these weapons of mass distraction come and ruin our nation as they have worked so hard to do in America,” added Arias.

–WKW

John Ensign: “At least I never tickled anyone”

WASHINGTON – Republican Senator John Ensign – speaking from his room at the C Street Center – has come out swinging against ex-Representative Eric Massa.

“That he would admit to a tickle fight is a travesty and an embarrassment for this Congress,” said Ensign, who at no time during his speech slept with any of his friends’ wives. “The Democrats have once again proven to have serious ethics problems.”

Ensign – who while speaking never once tried to find a job for anyone he cuckolded – said he felt his record showed him as a fierce non-tickler.

“I don’t tickle the Republican Party at all,” said Ensign, who was backed by close friend, Republican Sen. Tom Coburn. “I stridently avoid any ticklish situations.”

Ensign’s speech was cut short, however, as his parents arrived and chased away reporters with a broom and $100 bills.

–WKW

Everyone in the NFL arrested

CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

Aside from the players, every owner was also arrested, for everything from collusion to tax fraud to using the NFL season as a bargaining chip.

“We figured we had probable cause just to arrest everyone,” said a government spokesman. “We’re pretty sure we can get a 90 percent conviction rate, without even having any physical evidence yet.

“We’re just trying to protect the general public,” he added.

The charges come following several recent incidents, including Minnesota Vikings All-Pro defensive tackle Kevin Williams testifying that he has never taken steroids or steroid-masking agents, and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger being accused of sexual assault.

Also, two players – Miami’s Will Allen and Washington’s Bryan Westbrook – have recently been arrested for DUIs.

“It’s pretty obvious that everyone in the NFL has skirted the law for years,” said the federal official. “Even the players that aren’t guilty of anything are guilty of hanging around those that are guilty.”

With all teams now sans any players and the NFL Draft coming up, the arrests are good news for former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. The former University of Florida quarterback is now expected to be picked as early as the 6th round by quarterback-hungry teams.

–WKW

It’s your own damned fault if you get murdered

While murder is still considered a grave crime, today’s enlightened society tends to see it as something more than a black & white issue. Because more often than not, a murder victim has every opportunity to avoid being murdered.

Simply put, if you get murdered, it’s very likely your own damned fault. This is obvious to any who care to look at the issue.

Most murder victims could easily save their own lives if they followed a few simple rules:

• Don’t dress provocatively – you’re just asking to be murdered.
• Never drink to excess publicly – it will lower your inhibitions and make you an easier murder target.
• Don’t walk alone, anywhere – you’ll just attract murderers.
• Don’t flirt - you could be flirting with a murderer.
• Never go to anyone’s home – again, you’re just asking to be murdered.

But the fact is that most murder victims are too careless, too un-Godly and too unwilling to take the personal responsibility needed to avoid being murdered. This is why so many murder victims are far too ashamed to go to authorities following their murder – they know they played a part in it.

And the legal system is aware of this. This is why so few murderers get sentenced for their crimes. Defense lawyers will quickly pounce on the past history of the victim and come to one conclusion – the murdered didn’t do what’s necessary to not be murdered. Thus, many victims of murder will not go to the authorities.

Murder is epidemic in the United States. The statistics are staggering. But the fact is that murderers are helpless to stop themselves, and when people dress and act in certain ways, all they are doing is attracting those that will murder them.

It’s a hard truth, but the fact is that in 2010, we should be a more enlightened society. So dress conservatively, don’t go out, and don’t draw attention to yourself. And remember, once a murder starts, it’s too late to say no. You’ve asked for it, and it’s going to happen.

Because – as most people rightly believe – the blame for the crime of murder falls almost solely on the murder victim.

–WKW

“Lazy-Ass Americans like being unemployed” talking point a winner for GOP

If you can say one thing about the GOP, it’s that they stick to the script when it comes to talking points. The latest GOP talking point – that Americans are lazy and like being unemployed – could very well be a winner for the Republicans come election time.

Ex-Speaker of the House Tom Delay was the latest conservative to make the claim, as he told CNN’s Candy Crowley that unemployment insurance was the root of all evil:

Crowley: People are unemployed because they want to be?

Delay: well, it is the truth. and people in the real world know it. And they have friends and they know it. Sure, we ought to be helping people that are unemployed find a job, but we also have budget considerations that are incredibly important, especially now that Obama is spending monies that we don’t have.

Earlier in the week, Republican Senator Jon Kyl jumped on that talking point, as well.

“[Unemployment] doesn’t create new jobs. In fact, if anything, continuing to pay people unemployment compensation is a disincentive for them to seek new work.”

If there’s one thing that will guarantee a landslide November victory for the GOP, it’s Republicans telling the millions of jobless Americans that they’re lazy and just want to sit on their ass all day collecting a couple hundred bucks a week in unemployment. For the GOP, it’s a winning talking point.

--WKW

You are evil, thus I am good

That I am inherently good is obvious. The presence of evil is all the evidence needed to prove this. That I define this evil is of no matter – common sense dictates that my definitions of good and evil are truth.

Seeing this evil is as easy as opening my eyes. The lessons taught to me throughout my life – whether theological or sociological – have opened my eyes and allow me to see clearly.

I see those that are war-hungry and despise peace. The whole of the planet is blanketed with violence, with civilian lives treated with disinterest and even disdain. Death surrounds us and the mindless taking of lives is clearly evil.

But I am not violent, and I do not take human lives for any reason. I am good.

I see adulterers and sodomizers. I see those that thrive on carnal pleasures and deviant sexuality. Their lack of restraint and unbridled sexuality harms us all. It is unchecked evil.

But I am not a deviant nor an adulterer. I am good.

I see the greed of men. I see my neighbors lying, cheating and stealing to enrich themselves – often for no other purpose than to brag of their riches. The evilness of greed is well documented throughout history.

But I earn a meager living. I am good.

I see the poor wallowing in their situation. I see desperate faces stuck in poverty pretending there is no way out while being unwilling to work to improve their station. With hands reached out, their evilness comes off them like so many flies.

But I am not poor and I work hard. I am good.

I see people enslaved to ideologies and watch with disdain as the Right veers toward fascism and the Left crashes into socialism. The evilness of both sides has been chronicled throughout history.

But I am moderate. I am good.

I am not proud.

I am not ill-informed.

I do no harm.

I don’t eat shrimp or pork.

I do not hate.

I do not judge.

I am an American.

I am good.

I am by no means perfect. But I cannot view my sins as being as drastic as yours. Thus, your evil defines me. I am good.

St. Thomas Aquinas famously wrote that “The blessed in heaven will often walk to the battlements and look down and delight in the justice of God being properly carried out in hell.”

It is clear to me that I am the blessed. And I alone shall delight in the justice the rest of you so deservedly will receive.

–WKW

Barack Obama decides to shoot Khalid Sheik Mohammed in head just to be on safe side

WASHINGTON – Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.

“Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,”said Obama. “Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision.

“Being that Khalid Sheik Mohammed is not a human, shooting him in the head is not against the law,” said Gibbs.

The shooting will take place on April 1, and will be televised on the new C-Span Pay-per-view channel. The shooting will be followed by a mixed-martial arts battle between UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir.

“If you order 24 hours a head of time, you get $5 off,” said Gibbs.

The White House has yet to say which type of gun they will use on Mohammed, though former presidential candidate John McCain advised using a “big-ass shotgun.” McCain added that he had been confident that Obama would back down on civil liberty issues like the KSM trial, as it’s been something he has done in the past.

“Finally, we’re treating foreign criminals the way they should be treated,” said former Vietnam hostage John McCain. “Soon, he’ll back down on things like health care, as well.”

–WKW

Breaking: Atheist politician arrested after leaving Church

BAKERSFIELD – An Atheist California state senator was placed under arrest for Driving under the Influence of God after leaving a Church. His wife was in the vehicle along with the lawmaker but was not arrested.

State Sen. Tim Johnson was pulled over by the California Highway Patrol at about 2:00 p.m. last Sunday when his state-issued vehicle was observed being driven blissfully. The driver, identified as Johnson, was taken in and charged for driving under the influence of God. Unidentified sources said the senator had been at St. Mary’s, a popular Catholic Church, prior to his arrest.

In a March 4 article, the online news site Talking Points Memo characterized Johnson, who is married and has four children, as “a fierce Atheist” who had never allowed religion to influence his voting record.

Johnson issued a contrite apology, stating, “I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.”

It is uncertain how the arrest — or his reported presence at a Church — will affect Johnson’s prospects for re-election. Atheist lawmakers who are alleged to engage in Church activities have attracted significant media attention in recent years.

–WKW

Explosive New ACORN Video: Blacks get whatever they want!

A new video posted by an independent filmmaker posing as a samba dancer has surfaced depicting an ACORN staffer assisting a Black (known in this video as “Max”) making unreasonable — and possibly child prostitution-related — requests.

The 1-minute 11-second video clearly shows a small Black making unreasonable demands at an ACORN office in Los Angeles, California. The Black demands an important benefit from ACORN.

As one can see in the video, a Brown ACORN worker sits idly by as the filmmaker – dressed in ridiculous Samba garb – gives the small and angry Black the benefit he wanted with little struggle. All of this occurred while the Brown ACORN worker sits by and makes no effort to stop the proceedings.

The video – made by noted blogger/activist/American Hero William K. Wolfrum – has circulated throughout the Internet. Wolfrum said he was paid a “fair salary” by right-wing media tycoon Andrew Breitbart for the video. Breitbart said the video confirmed White America’s deepest fears - that an organization existed to help Blacks.

“Snidely Snerble Snab,” said Breitbart. “At the very least, Wolfrum deserves a Pulitzer Prize for their expose of deep corruption and unspeakable immorality at ACORN.”

After the video became public, the Senate voted 83-7 to block the Housing and Urban Development Department from giving grants to ACORN, meaning the organization would not be able to win HUD grants for programs such as counseling low-income people on how to get mortgages and for fair housing education and outreach.

While the evidence on the video proves ACORN is a criminal organization, some far-left writers have said that it was doctored and that Wolfrum was – in fact – never actually dressed as a Samba dancer, and that the video – in fact – was just Wolfrum playing with his dogs in his home.

“Why does it matter!!??,” said Breitbart. “It means nothing! He’s a Samba Dancer!”

Reached for comment, Clark Hoyt, Public Editor of the New York Times – which ran a story on the video – said that his paper would stick with its original reporting, regardless of what new facts emerged.

“Those on the right say that it’s a Samba Dancer helping a small Black to whatever he wants. Those on the Left say it’s a guy playing with his dogs,” said Hoyt in an e-mail. “This has become far too partisan for us, so we’re sticking with what we wrote.”

–WKW

Senate Republicans filibuster family’s dinner

AKRON — Edward Crone and his family had just finished saying grace and were prepared to begin eating dinner when Senate Republicans – led by the retiring Jim Bunning – burst through the door and threatened to filibuster the meal.

“We see no way that the Crone family can possibly pay for this meal,” said Bunning. “If the Crone family can’t offset the price of a meal, what will they offset.”

Caught off guard, Senate Democrats said they had no choice but to cancel the Crone’s dinner, as the mere threat of the filibuster was an unbeatable weapon against them.

“Our hands are tied. Tied, I say,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “The Crone Family will just have to wait this out until we make the deals necessary to end this filibuster threat.”

The Crone Family’s response was one of surprise and outrage.

“But I’m hungry,” cried Annie Crone, 6.

The meal, which consisted of meatloaf, whipped potatoes and peas, was left to sit on the dinner table as the Crone’s were ordered out of the dining room. Later in the day, the Crone’s landlord, Timothy Johnson, came in and devoured the meal by himself.

The decision to filibuster the meal fell on Bunning, who – after examining the finances of the Crones – stated that it was time for the family to be responsible for their own meals.

“Mr. Crone has been out of work for 23 weeks now and I’m pleased to say his unemployment benefits are through,” said Bunning. “He got a hand out from his father to buy the meal, which is against everything this nation stands for.”

For his part, Edward Crone said he would abide by the GOP’s decision.

“I’ve looked everywhere for a job to support my family, but there’s just nothing out there,” said Crone, a construction worker. “It’s all my fault.”

The filibuster also triggered a 21 percent cut in Medicare fees to doctors effective immediately. The American Medical Association said the cut off risks a “meltdown” for seniors. Still, Bunning was unapologetic, flipping off little Annie Crone as he escaped the house.

“If Crone can’t find $10 to pay for it, then they’re not going to pay for anything. The debt that they have arrived at is unsustainable,” said Bunning, who later compared the filibuster to “chin music” necessary to get Edward Crone off his butt and get back to work.

“This is America. Crone had his chance and failed, let them go hungry,” added Bunning.

–WKW

Breaking: A drunken Barack Obama chokes living daylights out of Jim Bunning

WASHINGTON – Inside sources confirm that U.S. President Barack Obama – completely hammered on Coors Light and Alabama Slammers – choked the living daylights out of Republican Senator Jim Bunning, today.

“You no-good political opportunish,” slurred Obama, as Bunning’s face turned crimson. “Putting people out of work, screwing over seniors and taking away unemployment benefits for no reason!”

Afterward, Obama reportedly stumbled into Tom Tancredo’s office and kicked him square in the nads.

“Who’s illiterate now!,” Obama reportedly said.

“Gaah,” Reportedly responded Tancredo.

Most Washington insiders were shocked at the President’s behavior. Still, Matt Drudge of the Drudge Report said he knew it all along.

“I linked to a story where it said in the very last line that Obama needed to drink moderately,” said Drudge. “Sure, maybe that had something to do with his cholesterol being too high, but better we be on the safe side and accuse him of being an alcoholic.”

–WKW

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