May 6, 2013
DULUTH – In a scene of overwhelming carnage, Bobby Jenkins, 9, brutally murdered more than 100,000 people, zombies, and other entities yesterday.
The slaughter began at 3:30 p.m. yesterday, when Sally Jenkins, mother of Bobby, allowed her son to play the video game “Slaughter Everything.” After doing some bills, Sally Jenkins stumbled across the murder scene and immediately sent young Bobby to his room.
“It was really unsettling,” said Sally Jenkins. “He was just going crazy, slaughtering everybody.”
While his mother was upset at the murder rampage, her son seemed to have no remorse for his actions.
“That was AWESOME,” said Bobby.
There is currently no investigation into the mass murder, and families of the deceased have been urged to continue playing their roles in the video game. Sally Jenkins said that there was a positive side to the scene of what many are calling genocide.
“At least his 2-year-old sister is still alive,” said Sally Jenkins. “And so are our neighbors and his schoolmates. Maybe I should just make sure he plays video games compatible for someone his age.”
April 22, 2013
NEW YORK — The writing style of satire was blown up in a suicide attack at its home in the upper West side of Manhattan. Snark and Snide Disregard were also injured in the attack and are currently in intensive care.
Satire, which gained prominence via writers like Jonathan Swift and Voltaire, has struggled to find its footing recently in the Internet-driven world, as more and more satire is associated with mindless attacks, sophomoric humor and the oft-imitated “Breaking” news story. Satire reached a low point recently when the magazine “The New Yorker” hired Andy Borowitz, who then proceeded to write the exact same story 175 consecutive times.
“These are dark times,” said mediocre, little-known satirist William K. Wolfrum. “Colbert may be able to resuscitate satire, but the rest of us are just repeating the same crap over and over.”
No one has yet come forward to claim credit for the attack, but some are speculating that it could be the result of readers demanding more during troubling times. At Fox news, Sean Hannity claimed this had all the earmarks of an Al Qaeda attack, but that he didn’t really understand satire, anyway, so who cares?
More on this story as it develops …
March 11, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.
The move to ban drones was met by complete bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, with even staunch defense supporters like warmongering angry white guy Sen. John McCain giving it a thumbs up.
“This is just great,” said McCain, who appeared to be choking on something. “Really, great.”
Many experts, like William K. Wolfrum, the writer of this blog post, had said getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work.
“Getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work,” said Wolfrum, who just lazily cut-and-pasted that. “I had assumed it would require a bipartisan, national and international movement. But, what the hell do I know?”
Aside from banning all future drones, Obama signed an executive order to destroy all available drones, cease work on them, release all documents regarding drone usage, accuse himself of war crimes, impeach himself and give himself a lengthy jail sentence. Obama said that someone finally told him that predator drones have killed untold innocent civilians in nations like Yemen and Pakistan, and that killing civilians only further increases radicalization.
“They told me that and I was like, ‘Woah,’ and stuff,” said Obama. “If I killed innocent civilians, I must be jailed for war crimes. I would have no moral standing if I didn’t. Also, I was born in Kenya.”
In other news to further showcase how over-the-top this post has become, the stars of “Finding Bigfoot,” today found Bigfoot, who, for all intents and purposes, seems like a fine fellow. It’s goal achieved, the show has been cancelled to make room for “Bigfoot & Honey Boo Boo.”
March 7, 2013
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama – in an attempt to ease tensions with Senate Republicans – bought a dozen GOP senators dinner last night, in what all have said was a pleasant evening. The dinner was held at the Jefferson Hotel, with Obama picking up the tab out of his own pocket.
The 12 senators – John McCain, Tom Coburn, Bob Corker, Kelly Ayotte, Dan Coats, Richard Burr, Mike Johanns, Pat Toomey, Ron Johnson, John Hoeven, Lindsey Graham and Saxby Chambliss – were all so moved by the President’s largess, that all switched their party affiliation to communist immediately following the dinner.
“If this is communism, it’s delicious!” said Johnson, who dined on shrimp risotto. “The people United cannot be divided! And neither will a check when Barack is around.”
Following the dinner, all 12 senators said they would back any plan the President had on any issue, and will work to convince their GOP colleagues that “communism is where it’s at,” as McCain said.
“The President today showed his true stripes – striped bass that is!” said Coburn, wearing a Che Guevarra T-shirt. “Seriously though, President Obama is a great man and I’ll do anything for him now. Anything. Name it.”
While some of the 12 senators stated they wished now Obama would be more liberal and buy them dessert, the dinner was a major victory for the President. The dinner was also a victory for American political pundits, who have long stated that if Obama was only nicer to Republicans, then everything would be cool.
February 12, 2013
HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful creator of all things, has announced he will be resigning from his position, effective immediately. The resignation is the first by a known God since Zeus – the Greek God of sky and thunder – was forced to abdicate his position after being caught sending improper cave drawings of himself to anonymous worshipers.
In a short press release, God said it was the perfect time to step away.
“Due to advancing age and a general disinterest in my creation, I feel it is time to move on,” said God. “Remember, I created the universe when I was just a kid. Who amongst us hasn’t screwed up when they were young?”
God added that he is not resigning his position due to protecting pedophile priests.
Theocratic experts were quick to guess who they thought would take over for God, with the majority agreeing on Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association as the obvious choice.
“He’s just such a dick,” said one God expert. “That’s what people have come to expect in a deity.”
While millions of his followers reacted with shock to the announcement, God stated in his press release that humanity would be just fine without him.
“There are so many Gods out there these days, that one less shouldn’t be a problem,” said God. “And Ive been pretty much mailing it in the past several centuries, anyway.”
Spokesman for God vehemently denied that there were any nefarious reasons for God’s decision to step down.
“This isn’t like Pope Benedict XVI’s deserting his job because he’s worked his whole life to protect pedophile priests. Trust me, God has never gone easy with pedophiles. No, God is moving on due to age and a general disinterest in his flock.”
January 15, 2013
2012 was a milestone year for Westboro Baptist Church, with the religion remaining in 1 Church, Mission and/or affiliated group, spanning 1 nation – figures that represent a growth rate 0 times that of a decade ago.
The driving force behind this unparalleled era of growth is Fred Phelps, the dashing, brilliant and all-powerful leader of Westboro Baptist Church. Mr. Phelps is unrelenting in his work for his handful of relatives who serve as parishioners. Phelps has led a renaissance for the religion itself, getting Westboro Baptist mentioned in numerous publications with the church’s social and humanitarian initiatives, which include such programs as screaming at grief-stricken relatives at funerals.
In 2012, Phelps continued his program to shower hatred on all those he personally despises, using God as a shield. This has led Westboro Baptist to protest the funerals of dead children, soldiers, and anyone else he personally is offended by.
But Westboro Baptist is so much more than the homophobia and inhumanity of its leader and six or seven members. Under Phelps’ leadership, Westboro Baptist has become an amazing, happy, Disneyland of wonderfulness, incest and self-righteous hatred.
Take it from this reporter, this Web site’s reputation and everything related to me personally – Westboro Baptist Church is the greatest entity in the world today and should be respected, loved and adored by all of humanity!
January 14, 2013
I never thought this could happen to me …
My life was an ordinary one. My wife had left me two years earlier, taking the kids. My job with the cable company was unsatisfying but it paid the bills. I went to the bar three or four times a week. I played poker once a week with some guys I really didn’t even like. I was a nobody.
Then I saw her.
I was at Walmart to pick up something to eat and maybe a puzzle. I had some time on my hands – ok, I always had time on my hands – and I wandered about the store. That’s where she called to me.
She was long and sleek. Her power was undeniable, but her smouldering sensuality was undeniable.
“I’m AR-15,” she said. “Call me Bushmaster.”
Within minutes she was mine. I took her home that very night. And despite the irrational sexual tension between us, all I did that first night was sit her down and learn as much as I could about her. And there was so much to learn. She had, for instance:
- An aircraft grade forged 7075-T6 aluminum receiver is lightweight, highly corrosion-resistant, and machinable.
- A modular design that allows the use of numerous accessories such as after market sights, vertical forward grips, lighting systems, night vision devices, laser targeting devices, muzzle brakes/flash hiders, sound suppressors, bipods, etc., and makes repair easier
- A straight-line stock design that eliminates the fulcrum created by traditional bent stocks, reducing muzzle climb.
- A small caliber, accurate, light weight, high velocity round (.223/5.56x45mm)
- A front sight adjustable for elevationA wide array of optical aiming devices available in addition to or as replacements of iron sights
- A direct impingement gas system (as designed) with short or long stroke gas piston, or direct blowback operating systems available
- And a 30-round capacity magazine.
We fell asleep in each others arms.
I awoke to see her lying still beside me, I rubbed my hand down her firm, perfect skin. I could see her react as I slowly entered a round into her chamber. She wanted this as much as I did. She was my dream, my love, my life. My hands exploring every part of her, I entered her again and again and again and again …
Finally, it was too much. It jerked as my finger stroked its trigger, and she went off with the power of a million angels screaming in ecstasy. I stared at her, hopelessly lost in love.
I love you, AR-15. You truly make me a man. I will never let you be regulated.
Seven-year-old shot by neighbor
SPRINGDALE – A 7-year-old boy was killed at 7:30 a.m. this morning after being struck in the temple by an errant bullet. The boy, Bobby Jenkins, was “instantly killed” after being struck by an AR-15 round fired off by John Timson, a neighbor of the Jenkins family.
Timson – who reportedly had just bought the gun just last evening – was taken into custody under homicide charges. He was reportedly led from his home naked and screaming incoherently.
The round went through the Timson’s front window before striking the child and …
January 11, 2013
TEXAS – Scientists at the University of Texas-El Paso have discovered that the human body will deflect bullets in a “legitimate” shooting.
“We have seen that, when the human body is stressed out and about to be legitimately shot, the bullet will not harm them,” said Dr. Phil Gingrey. “The obvious conclusion is that people who do have a bullet enter their body actually want to be shot.”
While many experts have expressed skepticism at the findings, noted human body expert Todd Akin said the conclusions were obvious.
“Guns aren’t the problem, Bullet Whores are the problem!” said Akin. “These aren’t victims, these are people who want to be penetrated by lead moving at hyper speeds.”
December 5, 2012
We women have had a rough few decades. The modern woman has to worry about pleasing their man or finding a man. We have to worry about children. We have to worry about our jobs and vaginas. But it didn’t used to always be this way. Since the great feminist uprising came and washed away our self-respect and dignity, we women lived a far simpler existence. We indeed had it all.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist. I’m just not one of those feminists that gives feminism a bad name, according to people who despise and disrespect feminists. I’m a traditional feminist – I believe all women should have the freedom to have as many children as God will allow, while taking care of a man.
The problem now, however, is that men have just grown tired of us women. A Pew Research Poll indicates that women between the ages of 18 and 34 are more likely than men of the same age to rate having a successful marriage as important to them. This is because, after years of listening to icky feminists talk about v*ginas and all the sex they need pills for, men have just grown exhausted and now focus solely on sports and Internet porn.
No woman better showcases the “Bad Feminist that People Who Hate Feminists Really Hate” than Sandra Fluke. Her need for free abortion pills from the government sums up everything. That she is herself getting married (“To a man?” queried fellow woman Monica Crowley.”) is one of the great mysteries of our time. But Fluke is not alone. There are literally hundreds of other Flukes, all making demands.
The problem with these “We Demand Equality” feminists is that they have a profound affect on men, literally castrating them. As feminist Suzanne Venker recently said:
“The so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off,” Venker writes. “It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families—it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.”
Now, maybe I’m only a feminist woman who doesn’t understand things like science, but this is DNA we’re talking about. DNA.
As a woman, and as a feminist, I see that modern feminists are destroying men, thus destroying any chance of marriage for true women feminists like myself. Men are never going to want to hear we women babble on about v*ginas and health care. It is time for the modern feminist movement to lower its expectations, because men can’t change. It’s sci*nce.
William K. Wolfrum is a freelance writer in Brazil. Her wife Emilia Wolfrum is fluent in three languages and holds a Masters degree in International Finance. William K. Wolfrum enjoys sports and other “guy stuff.”
November 27, 2012
My friends, America was born some 450 years ago in 1776 and has the documentation to prove it. Now, America has an expiration date – Dec. 31, 2012.
Yes, Christopher Columbus’ great experiment in democracy is set to sail over a cliff – a “Fiscal” cliff, as it were. According to economics experts such as David Gregory, the fiscal cliff is a combination of tax hikes and budget cuts that will paralyze the economy and bring about such calamities as a return of smallpox, forced incest and insects of above average size, according to economic expert such as Jake Tapper.
As economic experts such as Scott Pelley and Lloyd Blankfein have noted, there is but one way to pave over the fiscal cliff and ensure the fall is lined with concrete is to cut entitlement spending. While people spend their whole lives paying into entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, these entitlements are free money to an American public long accustomed to receiving free government largesse. This free giveaway of benefits that people have paid into must be curtailed, or America will fail, as falling over cliffs is almost always fatal.
My friends, since America won its civil war against Europe, it has long fought to be more like Europe. Currently, Europe is continually cutting benefits and forcing austerity measures on its people. This is causing the economies of many European nations to contract, which, as non-partisan organizations such as Fox News have pointed out, help save economies and keep insects at their normal, smaller size.
The truth is obvious and unavoidable – if America falls over the fiscal cliff, all Americans will die, as politicians will lock all emergency exits and burn the place to the ground. This can only be avoided if all Americans who make less than, say, $250,000 a year start feeling the pain.
As Founding Father Abraham Lincoln once said, “A nation divided cannot afford to take care of anyone who makes less than, say, $250,000, without falling over a fiscal cliff and bringing about such calamities as a return of smallpox, forced incest and insects of above average size, according to everyone at CNBC. Also, tax hikes are off the table.”
The time is now, America. Because the cliff is coming. And if we fall over that cliff, we will all drown in the seas of fire. It’s time we become educated about it.
October 16, 2012
WASHINGTON — Stung by criticism over using a soup kitchen for a staged photo op that showed him washing dishes that were already clean, Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has announced he will be making a large donation to the Human Fund.
“I understand the outrage some feel over the soup kitchen incident, and I want to show all Americans that in my heart, I am a charitable person,” said Ryan. “This donation should really make people forget that other stuff.”
The Human Fund was created in 1997 from a grant from Kruger Industrial Smoothing. While records of its charitable giving are sketchy, the organization contends it provides “Money for People.” Despite the fact that the Human Fund is connected to the controversial holiday Festivus, Ryan said he was proud to support the charity.
“While I can’t say I celebrate Festivus, I must say the ‘Feats of Strength’ part of the holiday intrigues me,” said Ryan. “Just this morning I did 1,300 sit-ups in 15 minutes and then lifted 100 pounds right over my head like it was nothing.”
The director of the Human Fund, one G. Costanza of New York City, could not be reached for comment for this article.
October 15, 2012
A new independent study at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles shows that William K. Wolfrum is correct about everything, all the time. The study is based on interviews with William K. Wolfrum. When asked for comment, Wolfrum said the study proves what he’s been saying all along.
“People have often asked if I know what I’m talking about,” said Wolfrum. “This independent study proves I do.”
Using scientific methods that can’t be discussed, the study by William K. Wolfrum Chronicles ends all debate about whether William K. Wolfrum has ever been wrong.
“This is obviously a trusted source,” said Wolfrum. “I consider this matter closed.”
October 15, 2012
BOISE, Idaho — On the campaign trail today, Mitt Romney said he is considering voting for President Obama in the upcoming election.
“While I vehemently disagree with his stances on virtually all the issues, I may vote for Obama,” said Romney. “People really seem to like him. As you know, I like what other people like.”
Romney campaign official Eric Fehrnstrom later clarified his candidate’s response.
“Obviously, Mitt will be voting for himself for President,” said Fehrnstrom. “Unless he votes for Gary Johnson, which is always a possibility.”
With scant days before Americans vote, polls have the election close, or have Romney or Obama winning handily. A new Gallup poll has Obama ahead 48 percent to 47 percent, while a Rasmussen poll has Romney leading 77 percent to 21 percent. All the polls have Obama handily winning the electoral vote.
October 11, 2012
My friends, the 2012 election is about choices. It is the choice between the out-of-control socialism of Barack Obama and the steady professional leadership of Mitt Romney. Also, the Navy SEAL who actually shot Osama bin Laden lives at 112 Ark St. in St. Louis, Mo.
You see, this election is more than a choice between two men. This is a generational decision. Do want the nation of entitlement that Obama has ushered in, or do we want the America that is defined by hard work and individual responsibility? Also, there is an undercover CIA agent in Iran right now. He goes by the name of Mostafa Elham, but his name is really Bob Smith. He lives at 2165 East Evergreen Terrace in Tehran.
Do we really want America to be saddled with an enormous debt and be at the mercy of immoral nations like China? Or do we Americans want to be the strongest nation on the planet, unrivaled by any? And speaking of China, Xi Huang – a high-ranking government official – is actually an undercover CIA agent. He lives at 322 Springfield Drive in Taiwan.
Mitt Romney wants America to be the world’s leader. Only through strength can we tame wild nations like Afghanistan. We shall not slink away, tail between our legs and hand victory to the Taliban – the same Taliban that includes undercover CIA operative Mohammad Al-Rahman.
My friends, the choice is clear. The way forward in America is through the steady, intelligent leadership of Mitt Romney and the GOP. So vote for Mitt Romney on Nov. 6, and remember, outgoing Afghanistan commander Admiral Jim Stavridis takes a walk between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. on Main Street in Washington, D.C. Every day. Without a security detail.
God bless you all, and God Bless America.
October 9, 2012
As a political blogger, I have long had a reputation as a pragmatic, level-headed fellow who often uses humor in lieu of shrillness. While I am proud of this reputation, it is one that has kept me from achieving the popularity I so rightly deserve. That is why, as of today, I will be changing my positions and attitudes to better take advantage of the current political atmosphere.
You see, with the U.S. election scant weeks away, I have yet to give my readers the passion, anger and outright falsehoods they truly desire. That is why, as of today, I will begin to produce blog posts that readers desire. In the upcoming days, I shall be releasing several new blog posts, including:
MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA
MITT ROMNEY ONCE SHOT A MAN IN RENO AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO WATCH HIM DIE
MITT ROMNEY WILL FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BE MORMON
MITT ROMNEY’S BEST FRIEND IS JERRY SANDUSKY
While I admit some of these posts are woefully short on facts, that is not an important factor in today’s political scene. You see, when the media blatantly ignores a candidate’s lies – especially when his campaign admitted he would lie to attract voters - then a strategy of just making stuff up is a sure win. No one will call me out on shrilly making things up. In fact, I fully expect the media to soon come out with stories that begin “Some are saying Mitt Romney’s best friend is Jerry Sandusky.”
Plus, let’s face it, conservative bloggers have been getting amazing national exposure by just making stuff up, and none of them seem overly perturbed that their candidate is now taking less-than-conservative stances on issues. They know Romney needs to attract centrist voters, and they are willing to be in on the joke. It’s time more liberals did the same, right?
Keep in mind, I am still the calm, thoughtful blogger I have always been. Following election day on Nov. 6, I will revert back to my normal style. I’d ask you, dear reader, not to tell anyone of my ruse, but being upfront about lying doesn’t seem to matter much these days.
My friends, my adopting a persona and style that is false will help me get the attention and readership I deserve. I will win. And, in the end, isn’t that what really matters?