Breaking: Scientists busted for hour laundering; Daylight Savings Times canceled

March 10, 2014 by  

WASHINGTON, D.C. – More than 42,000 scientists across the globe – including such luminaries as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking – have been arrested for hour laundering in a world-wide sting, sources say.

“They got them all, finally,” said the source. “Finally, this terror ends.”

The arrests take place following a six-hour investigation by House Republicans in the U.S. The results of the investigation unearthed a massive conspiracy that included thousands of scientists across the globe. Reports show that the scientists were arrested for hoarding hours left over after Daylight Savings Time in Spring. The scientists would then put those hours in a high-yield account. In the Fall, the hours would be paid back, however the interested accumulated was held on to by the scientists.

These extra hours were then laundered by the scientists, and used for such things as spreading global climate change disinformation and investing in making Bill Nye a big celebrity.

“I think we’ve all known scientists are the real enemies,” said a clearly pleased House GOP watchdog Darrell Issa. “Think of all those lost hours? Education truly is evil.”

The criminal enterprise of Daylight Savings Time has been cancelled, and all Americans will need to send a extra hour back to the government, or wait for a possible refund of an hour from the government. The return could take between six-to-eight weeks.

Sources say the Hour Laundering Scam began in 1897 under the watchful eye of scientist Percival Lowell, who believed extra hours could be funneled through canals on Mars. Despite being widely discredited, Lowell eventually used hours he had hoarded in order to get Arizona to name a really nice observatory after him.

The unspoken tradition of hour laundering among scientists has continued since then, with famed scientists such as Isaac Newton – who wasted all his hours on alchemy experiments – taking part (The extra hours could be used to go back in time to include scientists from prior generations).

“So, basically, all scientists from all of history are guilty,” said Issa. “Wow. Seriously, I never think these things will amount anything. This one, tho? Wow.”

Tyson – one of the most famous scientists on the planet – was unable to comment on the story, as it’s still not Daylight Savings Time in the zone he’s in, and the story has yet to break.

–WKW

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