A hockey announcing career lost in the five-hole

My radio career began like many do – I walked into my college’s radio station asking about sports announcing possibilities and they said “Sure, wanna cover tonight’s hockey game?”

Thus, like most things in my life, my career as a sports announce started quickly with me having almost no grasp of what I was actually doing.

I mean, I know hockey the way the average American sports fan knows hockey. I can keep up with what’s happening on the ice. I know who’s winning and basically why. But I don’t know the lingo for the life of me. And let me tell you, from personal experience, you need to learn the lingo before you go on the air.

Now here’s something they don’t tell you – hockey’s a really fast game. Really, really fast. And here’s something they didn’t tell me – the team the fearsome University of Alaska Anchorage team would be playing a tea, made up from guys from Vick’s Vertigo Recovery Institute.

Adding up all the factors, and you see I had fallen into a dream assignment – Announcing a really fast sport I really didn’t know that well for my first time on the radio, in which one of the teams ends up scoring 18 goals.

That’s right, the final score was 18-1. You try and make that interesting. So my first experience on the radio consisted of me desperately trying to keep up with the game while finding different ways to describe the un-holy amount of goals.

Sadly, the one bit of lingo that stuck in my mind was “the five-hole.” Thus, about 11 of those goals were made through the five goal. the Vertigian goalie had a HUGE five-hole, and I filled it up with pucks, real or perceived. And honestly, I still don’t know where the five-hole actually is.

The final indignation? The fact that the engineer cut me off for the entire third-quarter. Meaning I was announcing the game (terribly) while no one was listening and no one was recording. It was totally the right thing to do.

My radio announcing career continued and got reasonably better (I was never again asked to cover hockey, and instead covered a lot of girls’ volleyball, which is a lot more fun). For the most part, I’d say that my desire to be a sportscaster was filled, much like that poor, overburdened five-hole so many years ago on that fateful night.

–WKW

Costa Rica to re-institute military to keep Rush Limbaugh out

COSTA RICA – Calling it the “greatest threat our nation has ever faced,” Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

“We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now,” said Arias. “We don’t want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud.”

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States.

“I don’t know. I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” said Limbaugh.

Arias said he would not allow his nation to suffer the same fate as the U.S. and called for every man, woman and child in the nation to join the military and guard the borders. Costa Rica has not had an active military since 1948.

“This is the greatest threat our democracy has ever faced,” said Arias. “If Limbaugh gets in, then Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Ann Coulter will surely follow.

“We cannot allow these weapons of mass distraction come and ruin our nation as they have worked so hard to do in America,” added Arias.

–WKW

John Ensign: “At least I never tickled anyone”

WASHINGTON – Republican Senator John Ensign – speaking from his room at the C Street Center – has come out swinging against ex-Representative Eric Massa.

“That he would admit to a tickle fight is a travesty and an embarrassment for this Congress,” said Ensign, who at no time during his speech slept with any of his friends’ wives. “The Democrats have once again proven to have serious ethics problems.”

Ensign – who while speaking never once tried to find a job for anyone he cuckolded – said he felt his record showed him as a fierce non-tickler.

“I don’t tickle the Republican Party at all,” said Ensign, who was backed by close friend, Republican Sen. Tom Coburn. “I stridently avoid any ticklish situations.”

Ensign’s speech was cut short, however, as his parents arrived and chased away reporters with a broom and $100 bills.

–WKW

Everyone in the NFL arrested

CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

Aside from the players, every owner was also arrested, for everything from collusion to tax fraud to using the NFL season as a bargaining chip.

“We figured we had probable cause just to arrest everyone,” said a government spokesman. “We’re pretty sure we can get a 90 percent conviction rate, without even having any physical evidence yet.

“We’re just trying to protect the general public,” he added.

The charges come following several recent incidents, including Minnesota Vikings All-Pro defensive tackle Kevin Williams testifying that he has never taken steroids or steroid-masking agents, and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger being accused of sexual assault.

Also, two players – Miami’s Will Allen and Washington’s Bryan Westbrook – have recently been arrested for DUIs.

“It’s pretty obvious that everyone in the NFL has skirted the law for years,” said the federal official. “Even the players that aren’t guilty of anything are guilty of hanging around those that are guilty.”

With all teams now sans any players and the NFL Draft coming up, the arrests are good news for former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. The former University of Florida quarterback is now expected to be picked as early as the 6th round by quarterback-hungry teams.

–WKW

Health Care, Shmealth Care

Go to CNN.com. At the bottom of the page, you’ll see that “Health Care in America” is No. 1 “Hot Topic.” But there currently is not one story on Health Care reform on the Front Page. Not a one*.

At FoxNews.com, there are currently seven anti-health care reform stories on the front page.

And while both CNN & Fox News gave the Tea Party protests ample attention, neither is promoting anything about the current Howard Dean-Led Rally for Health Care Reform happening now in Washington, D.C.

Yet those in the mainstream media will cry, kick, scream and call you names if you point out just how broken the U.S. mainstream media is today.

*There are five Oscar stories, however.

–WKW

Afonso and the Demon

At some point, Afonso (right) picked up a small demon that now follows him everywhere.

–WKW

Sarah Palin went to Canada for health care? Much ado about Skagway

Liberal blogs are abuzz today about Sarah Palin’s admission that her family crossed the border from Skagway, Alaska to Whitehorse in Canada to receive health care for her brother:

“My first five years of life we spent in Skagway, Alaska, right there by Whitehorse. Believe it or not – this was in the ‘60s – we used to hustle on over the border for health care that we would receive in Whitehorse. I remember my brother, he burned his ankle in some little kid accident thing and my parents had to put him on a train and rush him over to Whitehorse and I think, isn’t that kind of ironic now. Zooming over the border, getting health care from Canada.”

Now, while it’s easy to spot the political stupidity of her bringing up this story, there does need to be a non-knee-jerk response to it. Mainly, the fact that her family was in Skagway. In the 1960s.

I actually spent a summer working as a reporter for the Skagway News. In the summer, with cruise ships pouring in, the population of the Southeastern town explodes to about 2,000. But the fact is, year-round, the population of Skagway is in the neighborhood of 800. It’s not exactly a great place to spend your winters. Or to get health care for serious issues.

Skagway is a town with limited access, in or out. It’s also not a place where it’s likely they can handle severe burns. Maybe in 2010 they can, but it’s almost a certainty that they couldn’t in the 1960s. I’d be willing to wager that any major medical problem would end up being taken care of Whitehorse, which is by far the closest big city around.

Add to that the fact that Canada’s Universal Health Care program wasn’t truly in full effect until 1966*; it was Palin’s parents that made the journey; and they most likely paid for it.

So while mocking Palin is rightfully a national sport at this point, and the timing and content of her remark was politically stupid, it’s really a non-starter. And poor political discourse.

Update: While the “Getting free health care in Canada” story is still a non-starter, the Anchorage Daily News, among others, has noted that Palin originally told The Skagway News that her brother had been taken via ferry to Juneau.

Head to the crossposted version of this story at Dagblog, where you’ll see comments from the editor of The Skagway News on this story.

* Some confusion on this. Here’s the link to a time line of Canada’s health care system.

–WKW

It’s your own damned fault if you get murdered

While murder is still considered a grave crime, today’s enlightened society tends to see it as something more than a black & white issue. Because more often than not, a murder victim has every opportunity to avoid being murdered.

Simply put, if you get murdered, it’s very likely your own damned fault. This is obvious to any who care to look at the issue.

Most murder victims could easily save their own lives if they followed a few simple rules:

• Don’t dress provocatively – you’re just asking to be murdered.
• Never drink to excess publicly – it will lower your inhibitions and make you an easier murder target.
• Don’t walk alone, anywhere – you’ll just attract murderers.
• Don’t flirt - you could be flirting with a murderer.
• Never go to anyone’s home – again, you’re just asking to be murdered.

But the fact is that most murder victims are too careless, too un-Godly and too unwilling to take the personal responsibility needed to avoid being murdered. This is why so many murder victims are far too ashamed to go to authorities following their murder – they know they played a part in it.

And the legal system is aware of this. This is why so few murderers get sentenced for their crimes. Defense lawyers will quickly pounce on the past history of the victim and come to one conclusion – the murdered didn’t do what’s necessary to not be murdered. Thus, many victims of murder will not go to the authorities.

Murder is epidemic in the United States. The statistics are staggering. But the fact is that murderers are helpless to stop themselves, and when people dress and act in certain ways, all they are doing is attracting those that will murder them.

It’s a hard truth, but the fact is that in 2010, we should be a more enlightened society. So dress conservatively, don’t go out, and don’t draw attention to yourself. And remember, once a murder starts, it’s too late to say no. You’ve asked for it, and it’s going to happen.

Because – as most people rightly believe – the blame for the crime of murder falls almost solely on the murder victim.

–WKW

“The Cove” wins Oscar – Louie Psihoyos doesn’t get to talk dolphins

Last month, I got to speak with director Louie Psihoyos about his Oscar-nominated documentary “The Cove.” When asked about the possibility of winning an Academy Award, here’s what Psihoyos had to say:

“A billion people will see the Academy Awards,” said Psihoyos in a telephone interview. “That’s why I’d like to win. Because for 45 seconds you can talk directly to all the key people who are involved in these policies.”

Unfortunately, Producer Fisher Stevens – missing the point and a huge opportunity – gave the acceptance speech and never actually said the word “Dolphin.”

If you’re interested in helping to stop the horrifying murder of dolphins in Japan, here are some helpful links:

• What can you do to help?
• “The Cove” Official Web Site
• The Oceanic Preservation Society
• Save Japan Dolphins

Update: Courtesy of Entertainment Weekly, here is what Psihoyos had planned on saying:

The Long version of the world’s Shortest Oscar acceptance speech

By Louie Psihoyos, director of The Cove

- We made this film to give the oceans a voice.

- We told the story of The Cove because we witnessed a crime. Not just a
crime against nature, but a crime against humanity.

- We made this movie because through plundering, pollution and acidification from burning fossil fuels, ALL ocean life is in peril, from the great whales to plankton which, incidentally, is responsible for half the oxygen in this theater.

- Thank you, Black OPS Team for risking your lives in Japan — and thank you Academy for shining the brightest lights in the world on THE COVE……

- Japan, please see this movie! Domo Aragato!

–WKW

Monday Morning Mothra

One of the interesting things about living in Brazil is the fact that you’re surrounded by critters you’d never see in the U.S. This morning I woke up to see this moth outside. It’s wingspan was close to six inches.

–WKW

“Lazy-Ass Americans like being unemployed” talking point a winner for GOP

If you can say one thing about the GOP, it’s that they stick to the script when it comes to talking points. The latest GOP talking point – that Americans are lazy and like being unemployed – could very well be a winner for the Republicans come election time.

Ex-Speaker of the House Tom Delay was the latest conservative to make the claim, as he told CNN’s Candy Crowley that unemployment insurance was the root of all evil:

Crowley: People are unemployed because they want to be?

Delay: well, it is the truth. and people in the real world know it. And they have friends and they know it. Sure, we ought to be helping people that are unemployed find a job, but we also have budget considerations that are incredibly important, especially now that Obama is spending monies that we don’t have.

Earlier in the week, Republican Senator Jon Kyl jumped on that talking point, as well.

“[Unemployment] doesn’t create new jobs. In fact, if anything, continuing to pay people unemployment compensation is a disincentive for them to seek new work.”

If there’s one thing that will guarantee a landslide November victory for the GOP, it’s Republicans telling the millions of jobless Americans that they’re lazy and just want to sit on their ass all day collecting a couple hundred bucks a week in unemployment. For the GOP, it’s a winning talking point.

--WKW

From the sports desk

From an occasional sportswriter …

• Less than 100 days until the World Cup and other national teams beware – Brazil is not only looking extremely strong and deep, but also quite harmonious.
• Shane Mosley has a better chance of beating Floyd Mayweather than Manny Pacquiao did.
• Boxing referee Mills Lane is to receive the James J. Farley Award by the Boxing Writers Association of America. The award goes those who exemplify “honesty and integrity” in boxing. They could go a step further and just call it the “Mills Lane Award.”
• The Pittsburgh Steelers future depends on Ben Roethlisberger not being accused of sexual misconduct any more. The latest accusation was in Geogia, and ESPN isn’t trying to sweep this one under the carpet, as they did the previous one.
• With the addition of Julius Peppers, the Chicago Bears have one pretty impressive defense on paper.
• An influx of bigger names – James Toney, Herschel Walker, Ricardo Mayorga – entering MMA will not give the sport the star power it truly needs to make it to the next level.
• Hasn’t it been pleasant going through a week without talking about hockey?
• Led by Louisville’s win over top-ranked Syracuse, March is starting the madness early for college basketball.
• Recent struggles or not, with Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom and incredible depth, I can’t envision any NBA team beating the Lakers in a seven-game series.

–WKW

You are evil, thus I am good

That I am inherently good is obvious. The presence of evil is all the evidence needed to prove this. That I define this evil is of no matter – common sense dictates that my definitions of good and evil are truth.

Seeing this evil is as easy as opening my eyes. The lessons taught to me throughout my life – whether theological or sociological – have opened my eyes and allow me to see clearly.

I see those that are war-hungry and despise peace. The whole of the planet is blanketed with violence, with civilian lives treated with disinterest and even disdain. Death surrounds us and the mindless taking of lives is clearly evil.

But I am not violent, and I do not take human lives for any reason. I am good.

I see adulterers and sodomizers. I see those that thrive on carnal pleasures and deviant sexuality. Their lack of restraint and unbridled sexuality harms us all. It is unchecked evil.

But I am not a deviant nor an adulterer. I am good.

I see the greed of men. I see my neighbors lying, cheating and stealing to enrich themselves – often for no other purpose than to brag of their riches. The evilness of greed is well documented throughout history.

But I earn a meager living. I am good.

I see the poor wallowing in their situation. I see desperate faces stuck in poverty pretending there is no way out while being unwilling to work to improve their station. With hands reached out, their evilness comes off them like so many flies.

But I am not poor and I work hard. I am good.

I see people enslaved to ideologies and watch with disdain as the Right veers toward fascism and the Left crashes into socialism. The evilness of both sides has been chronicled throughout history.

But I am moderate. I am good.

I am not proud.

I am not ill-informed.

I do no harm.

I don’t eat shrimp or pork.

I do not hate.

I do not judge.

I am an American.

I am good.

I am by no means perfect. But I cannot view my sins as being as drastic as yours. Thus, your evil defines me. I am good.

St. Thomas Aquinas famously wrote that “The blessed in heaven will often walk to the battlements and look down and delight in the justice of God being properly carried out in hell.”

It is clear to me that I am the blessed. And I alone shall delight in the justice the rest of you so deservedly will receive.

–WKW

Barack Obama decides to shoot Khalid Sheik Mohammed in head just to be on safe side

WASHINGTON – Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.

“Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,”said Obama. “Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision.

“Being that Khalid Sheik Mohammed is not a human, shooting him in the head is not against the law,” said Gibbs.

The shooting will take place on April 1, and will be televised on the new C-Span Pay-per-view channel. The shooting will be followed by a mixed-martial arts battle between UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir.

“If you order 24 hours a head of time, you get $5 off,” said Gibbs.

The White House has yet to say which type of gun they will use on Mohammed, though former presidential candidate John McCain advised using a “big-ass shotgun.” McCain added that he had been confident that Obama would back down on civil liberty issues like the KSM trial, as it’s been something he has done in the past.

“Finally, we’re treating foreign criminals the way they should be treated,” said former Vietnam hostage John McCain. “Soon, he’ll back down on things like health care, as well.”

–WKW

Breaking: Atheist politician arrested after leaving Church

BAKERSFIELD – An Atheist California state senator was placed under arrest for Driving under the Influence of God after leaving a Church. His wife was in the vehicle along with the lawmaker but was not arrested.

State Sen. Tim Johnson was pulled over by the California Highway Patrol at about 2:00 p.m. last Sunday when his state-issued vehicle was observed being driven blissfully. The driver, identified as Johnson, was taken in and charged for driving under the influence of God. Unidentified sources said the senator had been at St. Mary’s, a popular Catholic Church, prior to his arrest.

In a March 4 article, the online news site Talking Points Memo characterized Johnson, who is married and has four children, as “a fierce Atheist” who had never allowed religion to influence his voting record.

Johnson issued a contrite apology, stating, “I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.”

It is uncertain how the arrest — or his reported presence at a Church — will affect Johnson’s prospects for re-election. Atheist lawmakers who are alleged to engage in Church activities have attracted significant media attention in recent years.

–WKW

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