Earth 2.0: Invade now and the Keplerian-22bers will greet us as liberators

My friends, we are living in perilous times. With the discovery of Planet Kepler-22b, we Americans are threatened in a way like never before.

Yes, Planet Kepler-22b, or “Earth 2.0″ as the unserious are calling it, is an Earth-like planet that could contain life. Life that would annihilate us for our freedoms.

Sources close to this blog have stated that – if and when the Keplerian-22bers attack, it will likely be worse that 400,000 Sept. 11s. It is up to us to not wait for the smoking gun that will come in the form of complete interstellar destruction. No, we must strike first.

Invading and overthrowing the likely evil Kepler-22b government is our only failsafe action in this situation. And while it seems like it would be difficult, the simple fact is that such an invasion would take roughly six weeks, and pay for itself. And the Keplarian-22bers will greet us as liberators.

That is why President Barack Obama must begin sending predator drones into the atmosphere of Kepler-22b and begin systematically taking out its leadership from the skies. Only then can we send in fighter planes to weaken its infrastructure, and finally troops to mop up the rest.

It is time for Americans to come together as one. Kepler-22b is just 600 light years away. That means – with recent developments in the study of the neutrino – we can be there in 599.99999 years. It is time to set a plan, and stick with it. We are America. We went to the moon. We can get to Kepler-22b, overthrow it’s government and convert its people to Christianity.

For average Americans looking to help in this interstellar war effort, please, travel. Shop. Enjoy this fine country and its myriad mini-malls and outlet stores. And, for God’s sake, stop talking about cutting the defense budget.

–WKW

The gravity of a star being swallowed by a black hole

For the first time, a black hole has been caught in the act of tearing apart and swallowing a star that got too close.

Scientists, who until now had witnessed only the aftermath of such events, say the observation is shedding light on “relativistic jets,” bursts of matter that shoot out at nearly the speed of light.

At the centers of virtually all large galaxies are supermassive black holes. These monsters, which are millions to billions of times the mass of the sun, can rip apart passers-by, gravitationally pulling at stars in gigantic versions of how our moon tugs on Earth’s oceans to generate tides.

Incredible stuff.

–WKW

Solar Flare – X Class

So, I wonder if anyone will get superpowers from this solar flare? Regardless, cool stuff from our local star.

–WKW

Yes, Science is dominated by men, why do you ask?

Lest you ever forget the science community is a sausage-fest:

There is growing evidence that human semen has the potential to produce profound effects on women. We have replicated the effects showing female college students having sex without condoms are less depressed as measured by objective scores on the Beck Depression Inventory. We’ve also examined the data as a function of whether the students were using hormonal contraceptives, whether they were in committed relationships, and how long these relationships have lasted. The anti-depressant properties of semen exposure do not vary as function of any of these conditions. It is not a question of whether females are sexually active, since students having sex with condoms show the same level of depression as those who are not having sex at all. We have also received numerous semen testimonials from other women who attest to the anti-depressant effects of semen exposure and these accounts often include the use of control trials (i.e., comparisons generated by switching from condoms to unprotected sex, or vice a versa).

Yes, ladies, sperm is good for you and making your partner wear a condom is making you sad. You’re Spermatically Depressed! Process THAT!

Oh, why yes, this story did appear in The Huffington Post, why do you ask?

–WKW

Sharia Law for everyone!

It’s time for Sharia Law to come to the United States. This nation has settled into a moral and economic funk that only a healthy dose of Sharia Law can fix.

Oh sure, you’ve probably heard lots of bad things about Sharia Law. You probably think that it’s an Islamic plot to overthrow the world and control humanity. But this information – provided to you by the likes of Newt Gingrich – is based on ignorance and bigotry.

Here are just a few examples of how Sharia Law will make things better for everyone:

• Getting stoned will finally be legalized.
• Free Cake on Wednesdays.
• Ramadan will cure national obesity epidemic, and work off all that cake.
• A whole new “Veil Industry” will provide good jobs for Americans.
• Automatic weapons will be available at gas stations.
• People who can’t dance will no longer feel ashamed.
• And much, much more!

So, am I suggesting that the U.S. be ruled by Sharia Law? Hell yes I am! Trust me on this, it would be a non-stop cake party. And America would regain its place as the greatest nation in the history of nations.

Of course, there’s no chance in hell Sharia Law will become the law of the land in the U.S. But if you’re going to be ignorant about something that will never happen, why not pretend it’s a great thing rather than be terrified of it?

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 29, 2010

Look on the bright side – at least the Gulf of Mexico now looks super-bitchin’ under UV lighting.

News/Politics

Arizona Immigration Law: A federal judge strikes down parts of Arizona’s Illegal immigration law, meaning Jan Brewer will spend more of the state’s money on lawyers. And John McCain has a sad.

Obama on The View: Obama goes on The View? How unpresidential. Better to be like Bush and go on “Dr. Phil.”

[Read more]

Climategate be gone: Climate scientists cleared of malpractice

Remember Climategate? Well, the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit, which was the target of climate-deniers wrath, has cleared of “any deliberate scientific malpractice,” and had a panel declare their methodology sound.

From Bad Astronomer Phil Plait:

As a backstory, you may wish to read two earlier posts I wrote on this topic, the first introducing climategate, and a second following up to clarify some points. Basically, some emails from climate scientists were leaked by a still-unknown hacker, and to some people it indicated knowingly fraudulent activity by the scientists. However, those of us familiar with the way science and scientists actually work knew from the start there was nothing nefarious going on.

When the emails were made public, a lot of noise came from the usual places. The deniers went into overdrive. But it turns out they were just spinning their wheels. This is the second investigation to show nothing bad was going on; the first was from a Parliamentary committee which also cleared the scientists of any wrongdoing.

So now we have a panel of politicians as well as a panel of scientists, both of whom have concluded that the CRU scientists are honest. Kinda makes you wonder where Inhofe and Cuccinelli are going, doesn’t it? …

… The bottom line: the climate scientists at East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit worked honestly, and their results are robust.

And one final thing: I challenge the mainstream media to give this even a fraction of the attention they gave to the story when it broke. I won’t hold my breath.

So much gloating and chest-thumping from climate deniers, evaporates in puff of scientific theory. Of course, like any conspiracy theorists (which climate deniers are), they’ll find some other ineffective and untrue ways to try and debunk the findings of thousands and thousands of scientists and their remarkable amounts of scientific data. It’s what conspiracy theorists do, after all.

–WKW

NASA on Humans & Climate Change

From NASA’s Earth Observatory, a detailed look at why the vast majority of scientific minds on the planet believe that climate change is a result of human activity.

A snippet:

Finally, scientists know that carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas and that it is released into the air when coal and other fossil fuels burn. Paleoclimate data show that atmospheric carbon dioxide levels are higher than they have been in the past 800,000 years. There is no plausible explanation for why such high levels of carbon dioxide would not cause the planet to warm.

I wouldn’t expect that climate-change deniers will change their minds due to NASA, of course. It’s not like they’re rocket scientists or anything.

–WKW

Noah’s Ark located in Turkey! (except it wasn’t)

In keeping with the theme of the previous post, big-time journalists like Matt Drudge and Andrew Breitbart are now promoting a story that Noah’s Ark has been located in Turkey. Fox News is also giving the story ample PR.

Drudge links to a story at the UK Sun:

THE remains of Noah’s Ark have been discovered 13,000ft up a Turkish mountain, it has been claimed.

A group of Chinese and Turkish evangelical explorers say they have found wooden remains on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey.

They claim carbon dating proves the relics are 4,800 years old — around the same time the ark was said to be afloat.

Somehow, biblical discoveries are only made by evangelists and UFO discoveries are only made by UFO fetishists. Go figure.

Breitbart even includes video:

Now that’s journalism you can believe in. The only problem? It’s complete and utter bollocks. First off, there was no “Noah’s Ark” so there’s nothing to find. Secondly, the story is bollocks.

Remember, kids, when you see stories about UFOs, Noah’s Ark and other such things, they all share one common thread – they are not true. Ever.

Update: Hey, how about that. It was a hoax.

–WKW

Humanoid extraterrestrials are living amongst us! (except, they aren’t)

Over at the American Chronicle, they’ve made a discovery of galactic proportions – they have discovered that space aliens live amongst us!

From the American Chronicle:

According to accounts released Saturday, April 24, 2010, by the coordinator of an e-mail news and information service, officials of the U.S. Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA), U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations (AFOSI) and other U.S. government agencies have been involved in security activities involving human-appearing extraterrestrial beings in the U.S.

Victor Martinez, the e-mail information coordinator, is a former federal employee with an interest in space, defense and current affairs. Recipients of his e-mail news items include a wide variety of people interested in emerging and leading-edge scientific and other developments.

So, what should normal Americans do now that there’s been a story published that humanoid ETs are roaming the landscape? Absolutely nothing. The story is what we in the business like to call “ET BS.”

Find more on the untrue story at Joint Recon Study Group. While I don’t mean to disrespect the authors, let me re-iterate – it’s just not true. My proof? These stories are never true. They rely on shady, possibly invented sources, and they never include any type of scientific backing.

So sorry folks, with the possible exception of Orly Taitz, there are no ETs walking amongst us.

–WKW

Breaking: Aliens announce they will now ignore Stephen Hawking

On a new Discovery Channel documentary called Stephen Hawking’s Universe, the legendary theoretical physicist advised that if we countered intelligent life, it might just be best to ignore them.

We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach.”

Intelligent life elsewhere in the universe was quick to respond.

“Stephen Hawking can go to Hell,” said Glog, of the Tryphoidian Galaxy, in a message not due to reach earth for 14,000 light years. “He doesn’t come to our parties. He’s always ‘on the line with someone else,’ Screw him. I announce that all life-forms outside the Earth ignore Stephen Hawking.”

Hawking refused to comment on Glog’s comments, simply stating that the two had issues that went well back and it was best for everyone if they didn’t delve into them now.

–WKW

Large Hadron Collider fails to wipe out existence, U.S. debt

In what can only be called a terrible disappointment for the fiscally responsible, the Large Hadron Collider yesterday failed to cause the universe to implode, taking with it the U.S. national debt.

Nonetheless, researchers are pleased:

Researchers involved in the world’s largest scientific experiment in Geneva have broken the record for the most powerful particle collisions with their first results.

Physicists at the $10-billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC) directed two proton beams into each other Tuesday as part of its ambitious bid to reveal details about theoretical particles and forces.

The collisions are the first experimental results for the facility, which until now had been running only tests of its proton accelerators. The ATLAS detector at the LHC recorded the collisions shortly after 7 a.m. ET.

“Experiments are collecting their first physics data. Historic moment here!” wrote a representative for CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, on the organization’s Twitter account.

Oh well, maybe the LHC will solve all the world’s problems next time.

–WKW

No, vaccines don’t cause autism

From a U.S. federal court, comes the latest inconvenient truth for antivaxxers to deal with:

A federal court ruled Friday that the evidence supporting an alleged causal link between autism and a mercury-containing preservative in vaccines is unpersuasive, and that the families of children diagnosed with autism are not entitled to compensation.

Special masters of the U.S. Court of Federal Claims released more than 600 pages of findings after reviewing three test cases and finding all the claims wanting.

“Petitioners’ theory of vaccine-related causation is scientifically unsupportable,” wrote Special Master Patricia Campbell-Smith in her conclusion about William P. Mead, whose parents, George and Victoria Mead, had brought one of the suits.

“In the absence of a sound medical theory causally connecting William’s received vaccines to his autistic condition, the undersigned cannot find the proposed sequence of cause and effect to be logical or temporally appropriate. Having failed to satisfy their burden of proof under the articulated legal standard, petitioners cannot prevail on their claim of vaccine-related causation.”

No worries, I’m sure Arianna Huffington will give Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy a chance to lie away any of the least latest damnation of their absurd and dangerous theories. For the rest of us, the evidence against it is completely overwhelming. As Bad Astronomer Phil Plait wrote:

These are people who (very incorrectly) think that vaccines are linked to autism. It has been shown, conclusively, that no such link exists. Every time an antivaxxer is shown this data, they move the goalposts, claiming it’s some other vaccine feature causing autism, or cite outdated and flawed studies. The problem (for them) is, you can show that the number of autism cases diagnosed is totally unrelated to vaccines. They deny this, they spin, they distract, but in the end this simple fact proves them wrong.

We need vaccines. We have stopped smallpox cold with vaccines. Rubella, measles, and pertussis can be stopped. Where antivaxxers have sown distrust in vaccines, these diseases have been making a comeback, and kids have died.

Whatever the reasons behind the Antivaxxer movement, it must stop. It’s based on lies and there is nothing noble about pursuing false logic. Vaccines don’t cause autism.

–WKW

Intervention’s Candy Finnigan – the last drink’s on her

After a lifetime of being casual about her appearance, Candy Finnigan – one of three Interventionists on the hit Reality show “Intervention” – has learned that fame can make you change your perspective.

“The other day, a friend showed me that someone took a picture of me at the airport and put it on their Facebook page,” said Candy Finnigan. “I guess no more running to Ralphs in my pajamas for me.”

Things weren’t supposed to turn out this way for Candy Finnigan. Coming from a well-to-do family in Vermont, Finnigan went to school at the University of Kansas, where she met, fell in love with, and eventually married Mike Finnigan, a 6-foot-5 basketball star, and as Candy said “The big man on campus. I always liked the jocks, and he was cute, too. He still is.”

The opening years of the Finnigan’s marriage kept Candy’s roll going. Mike quickly went on to become an in-demand and well-respected musician, playing with the likes of Jimi Hendrix and Etta James.

With two children and a husband who had become a successful musician, all seemed right for Candy Finnigan. But still, her drinking continued to accelerate. The Finnigans were a couple that liked to drinks, even as they studiously avoided the temptations that come with the musical industry. But as their marriage had advanced, so had their drinking and, both Finnigans had began to drink more and more. The word “divorce” came to mind for the first time for Candy.

While interventions were still a concept undergoing birth pangs, Candy got a one-person intervention that got her straight – from her Mother-in-law Evelyn Finnigan, who let Candy know she wouldn’t allow her two grandchildren to grow up in an alcoholic househould.

“His mother spotted me first, and gave me a 60-day limit to get sober. Evelyn was adamant about the damage it would do to the kids.” said Candy Finnigan, admitting she didn’t get sober until day 56 of the time limit. “I am sober, thanks to God to Evelyn Finnigan. She stayed with me, when he first came home. Because it’s really difficult to stay sober when one partner is still drinking.”

While neither were ever sucked into the “music scene” Candy still found a way to drink at home while raising two kids, while Mike’s drinking began to become part of his persona, “he was a great drunk,” said Candy.

But nearly 13 weeks later, Mike joined his wife on the road to sobriety. “I was just terrified of living without drinking,” said Mike Finnigan – also known in the political blogosphere as the man behind “Mike’s Blog Round Up” at Crooks & Liars. But the two have been successful, with more than 22 years of sobriety each.

It was when the Finnigans’ two children began getting older and more independent that Candy Finnigan started looking for a new challenge. Attending a class at UCLA with a friend was the key for Candy, and her experiences at UCLA ended with her receiving a certification in chemical dependency from UCLA. She then went on and completed her internship at Cedars-Sinai Hospital, where she worked in addiction services.

Of course, the journey to becoming a full-time Interventionist was a difficult one, as well. Told by her professor and mentor, Dr. Van Johnson that Interventions were no place for a woman, she just worked harder to gain his respect.

“I am so grateful he’s the one who got to me first, because he really taught me it was God’s work,” said Candy Finnigan. “He would never let me do an Intervention because he didn’t think it was the work of a woman, so I got my certification and went to work.”

“She had a hard time because it was such a male-dominated area,” said Mike Finnigan. “She had a tough time the first 7-8 years. But she’s really good at what she does. Mainly it’s just a tribute to her hard work and to her compassion. She was just one of a handful of women involved. But she never gave up.”

Dr. Johnson – an Episcopalian priest who was doing ground-breaking work in regard to Interventions – warmed to Candy Finnigan and helped her solidify her beliefs in the Intervention process. When Finnigan received her doctorate and joked that people would have to call her a doctor, Dr. Johnson approached and her and said “not to us, you’re not,” with a wry smile.

Finnigan said her work with Intervention – while occasionally drawing embarrassing attention – has been a life-changing experience. And while after years of experience she has learned to always stay professional, she admits it’s never easy.

“I cry every time,” said Finnigan. “The most recent one I did was with someone who was a championship boxer and now lived on the street in a box. I sobbed during that.”

While Finnigan has made her mark as a chemical dependency expert and Interventionist, she has always remembered the one important fact that got her to this position – she is an alcoholic.

“I have to be honest with you and tell you, I had a pretty good battle with my husband that over Thanksgiving that over my dead body would I serve wine with dinner for my daughter and her friend,” relayed Candy Finnigan. “If they want to go out and drink, fine. But I get really uptight about it, and it’s dumb. I just don’t want the bottle sitting in the ice box tempting me, even after 23 years. Not that it as tempting as I make it, but just the principle.”

Aware that not everyone can afford a professional Intervention on a family member or loved one, Candy Finnigan has a book out to make it easier. Titled “When Enough is Enough,” the book gives readers a frank and honest look at how to tackle the needs of an intervention including personal, medical, psychiatric, financial, and legal issues involved.

” ‘When Enough is Enough,’ is a very easy read. It can really help you if you know of someone who needs an intervention, but you just cant’ afford what you see us do on the show.”

And in case you get the wrong opinion of Candy Finnigan – that she’s a tough-as-nails taskmaster – just know this – if you agree to go to rehab, the last drink’s on her.

“After I do an intervention on somebody, I always buy them their last drink,” said Finnigan. “It’s like they say, ‘who goes to rehab sober?’”

Intervention Facts

More than 150,000 families of loved ones have applied to be on Intervention, but less than 150 have been featured.

Of the 138 people that have had an Intervention on the show, 117 have remained sober – a staggering statistic when compared to national rates.

There are 27 people that work on a show. Of those 27, only two are non-drinkers. While first admitting to be slightly offended by this, Candy Finnigan came around to see the sense it made. “If it was all recoverers doing it, nothing would ever get done.”

It takes nearly five months from the time an applicant is accepted until the moment the intervention actually takes place.

The Rehab centers seen on Intervention are the show’s biggest sponsors, offering their services for free. The person undergoing the Intervention process is not charged for any of the treatment.

This season, the seventh for Intervention, former lightwight boxing champion Rocky Lockeridge will be among those receiving help.

This season will also see Intervention hand out it first five-year chip to someone that received an intervention on the show.

Additional Reading

Candy Finnigan’s Home Page

A&E’s Intervention Page

Mike Finnigan: Rocking out with the coolest man in Leftblogistan

–WKW

Vatican: ETs may exist, but they better not be gay or use birth control

Say what you will about the reign of Pope Benedict XVI, but the guy is all about covering all the bases. In an interview with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, said that it was fine to believe in aliens and it didn’t contradict a belief in God.

“How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?” Funes said. “Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ‘sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation.”

… Funes said that such a notion “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, he said.

The Bible “is not a science book,” Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most “reasonable” explanation for the creation of the universe. The theory says the universe began billions of years ago in the explosion of a single, super-dense point that contained all matter.

But he said he continues to believe that “God is the creator of the universe and that we are not the result of chance.”

Funes went on to state that if extraterrestrials did in fact exist, they had better not be homosexual, or practice abortion. “Every life God has created is sacred,” said Funes, “even alien fetuses, or whatever it is they may have. And if the aliens commit homosexual acts, they’re doomed to Hell unless they repent to the Earth’s Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

Funes added that the aliens would be subject to all of God’s laws, and if they used birth control, masturbated, ate shellfish, worshipped false idols and committed other random acts that the Church have deemed sinful, they were pretty much screwed.

“Basically, it’s fine to believe in aliens,” said Funes. “But you better believe that they are a bunch of sinners.”

Asked for comment, John McCain supporter Rev. John Hagee announced that he was withdrawing his recent apology to the Catholic Church and said it was no longer debatable that Catholicism was a cult and that Catholic League President William Donohue was a “huge douche.”

Reacting to the news from the Vatican, a White House source said President George W. Bush was already working on a new, $450-billion project to surround the planet with a border fence, complete with armed guards and video surveillance in order to avoid an influx of aliens coming to the U.S.

“The President believes that all aliens currently residing in the United States should receive blanket amnesty.” Still, the source added that the nation would have to be on guard against an influx of extraterrestrials relocating to the U.S., thus further weakening Social Security and Medicaid. “We think this is a wise investment in the future, and feel that people finally will start to take the Star Wars Defense System more seriously now.”

The news was good for Wall Street, as well, as shares of the blogger “Space Cowboy” went up 475 percent.

–WKW

Originally posted May 13, 2008 at Shakesville

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