Jesus Christ – もう1つは本当の救世主

The mystery of Jesus Christ has finally been solved. And as was expected, it ended in Japan.

Christ first visited Japan between the ages of 21 and 33 (the Bible does in fact skip over large periods of Christ’s early life, and many theories exist about what he did in the intervals). The document claims he studied the native language and culture before returning to Jerusalem, where he was crucified. Only it wasn’t really him who was crucified. His younger brother, Isukiri (who makes no appearance in the Bible), nobly took his place on the cross, pretending to be the Son of God, while the real Christ fled to Siberia.

A few years later, via Alaska, he arrived at the port of Hachinohe, just 40 km from Shingō. He made his way to the village, where he married, had three children, and lived to the age of 106.

So, that ends that mystery. Jesus Christ let his brother die for him, fled to Siberia and – via Alaska – made his way to Japan, where he lived a pleasant life and was by all accounts, just a fine fellow. No word on whether Sarah Palin has seen Christ’s actual footprints from her house.

 –WKW

This weekend in Jesus Christ

Things Jesus didn’t do over the weekend:

Help Arizona-born U.S. citizen Amir Mirza Hekmati avoid being sentenced to death for being a spy in Iran.

Help millions of Iraqi refugees.

Keep Syrian protesters from being killed.

Keep Beyonce & Jay-Z from naming their daughter “Blue Ivy.”

Help 10 Pakistani soldiers avoid denogginization.

Help the two people killed in a bus crash in Montana.

Keep gas prices from rising.

Keep a young girl from being cyberbullied until she killed herself, and keep the cyberbullies from mocking her after she died.

Things Jesus did over the weekend:

Help Tim Tebow beat the Pittsburgh Steelers and throw for 316 yards, which is similar to a Bible verse.

–WKW

New Jesus is kind of a douchebag

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The problem with the old Jesus was he just didn’t look like enough of a douchebag. This oughta win hearts & minds.

–WKW

Sharia Never! Dominionism Forever!

Taking away women’s rights is a key part of all religious fundamentalism. Because women didn’t have rights 2,000 years ago, and there will always be a section of society that is looking for an excuse for their own misogyny.

An anti-abortion group has announced that Rick Perry supports Ohio’s controversial “heartbeat bill,” one of the most radical and restrictive abortion measures in the country. The bill — designed to establish a direct challenge to the 22 to 24 week viability standards in Roe v. Wade — outlaws abortions if a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which can be as early as “six to seven weeks into pregnancy” and offers no exception for cases of rape, incest, or mental health of the mother …

… The radical bill is being pushed by the equally radical Faith2Nation’s Jane Porter, a believer in “dominion” theology — “the idea that Christians are called to take complete control over every aspect of human life in order to bring about the return of Christ” — and the former co-chair of Mike Huckabee’s Faith and Family Values Coalition when he first ran for president. The Ohio House passed the heartbeat measure in June, during a bizarre session when Republican lawmakers compared opponents of the law to slave owners and argued that abortions make people more likely to smoke pot. The state Senate is expected to take-up the measure this month.

Allowing the radical fringe to have any power puts everyone at risk. Because regardless what the Religious Right says about Sharia Law or Islamic fundamentalism, what they truly feel is envy. A theocratic state is the goal of radical fundamentalists. And Rick Perry is a radical fundamentalist.

–WKW

I may not love Israel as much as Glenn Beck says he does …

… but, unlike Beck and his Christian Zionist pals, I’m not praying for an apocalypse that will either convert Jews to Christianity or send them straight to Hell.

–WKW

Loving Jesus makes Tim Tebow a bad quarterback

Ok, not really. The fact is that Tim Tebow is not ready to be a starting quarterback in the NFL. He may never be. This really isn’t much of a slam, because a really, really, really small percentage of Americans are ready to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Don’t tell that to some Christians, tho. Despite Christianity dominating American society, they see Tebow’s treatment as pure religious bigotry. From Rick Reilly:

Randy Cross doesn’t know me. Wouldn’t know me if I stuck my thumb in his chili. So why did he just accuse me of being anti-Christian??

Two weeks ago, I wrote that Tim Tebow is not cutting it in the NFL. According to sources I quoted within the Denver Broncos, he is not within a plastic spork of cutting it. Doesn’t mean he won’t someday. It’s just that right now, the thousands of guys wearing his jersey in the stands have as good a chance of starting as he does.

Wasn’t personal. I like the kid, just not as my quarterback. Or anybody’s. Not yet.

But Tuesday, CBS Sports NFL analyst Randy Cross said that media like me are bashing Tebow simply because he’s openly Christian.

Come again?

Oh, those Christians. They certainly are a persecuted bunch.

–WKW

These are just terrifying people

Rick Perry is a privileged nutjob who uses God as a political ploy. And there are people out there that want him to be the President of the United States. These are some scary, scary people.

–WKW

Pope Blood! Get your Pope Blood!

In 2011, showcasing someone’s blood is usually left to the likes of eccentric celebrities or psycopaths. But when it comes to religion, blood lust is not just a hobby, it’s part and parcel of the whole thing. Which explains why Pope John Paul II’s blood was on display at the Vatican.

Blood taken from Pope John Paul II before he died is to go on display at his beatification on Sunday.

One of four small vials of blood removed from John Paul during his final days will be used, the Vatican said in a statement.

The Polish pontiff is to be beatified at a ceremony celebrated by his successor, Pope Benedict XVI. …

… After the death of John Paul, two of the vials of blood were given to the late pope’s private secretary, Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz, now archbishop of Krakow, Poland. …

… After being extracted, the blood was mixed with an anti-coagulant in the container to ensure it remained liquid.

“The blood and hair, these are from of the pope’s body, so these are relics of the first degree,” Cardinal Dziwisz told AFP.

No one should ever dismiss the importance of hair and anti-coagulant in the march toward sainthood. Also, murdering Africans by telling them that condoms will kill them and protecting pedophiles is quite important, as well.

–WKW

The War on Easter is over

Turns out the War on Easter was WAY easier than the War on Christmas.

–WKW

God Smites the Living Hell Out of Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church

HARRISBURG, Pa — After years of fielding complaints that he had not taken a hard enough stance against Westboro Baptist Church and its hate speech, Almighty God today unleashed what onlookers have described as a “shitload of smiting” against the controversial group that just won a Supreme Court case on free speech.

“Guess God don’t much care for Supreme Court cases,” said the onlooker, Jim Thompson of Dubuque, Iowa. “Because God just WENT OFF!”

Going in with a strategy of “Shock and Amen,” God woke up members of the Westboro Cult with a swarm of locusts, then rained frogs on them for an hour. A plague of gnats followed, and soon all members of Westboro had boils appear on their skin.

Then God showed why he was “God” and went modern Biblical on their asses as he turned their coffee into blood and made records of their fetish-video rentals public via Wikileaks. Then, God made it rain failed American Idol candidates and gay porn videos.

Finally, to finish a performance many have already called “inspired,” God went back to his old-school roots and lightning bolted Phelps, his family and all his followers into crispy embers of hate.

While many have looked to analyze why God finally went off on Westboro Baptist – which for years has peddled angry homophobia as some type of religious belief – experts were only left a few words from God as he left the scene of the carnage.

“Love everyone. I don’t make mistakes.”

–WKW

Pope John Paul II’s final miracle – making child molestation seem like no big deal

VATICAN - Pope John Paul II will be beatified on May 1, after Vatican officials judged that the deceased pontiff’s ability to make child molestation and sexual abuse charges seem like no big deal was officially a miracle.

“You’d think people would care that the Pope knew full well that Catholic priests who were molesting kids were protected,” said Vatican spokesman Father Oliver O’Grady.“Turns out, no one seems to care. It’s a miracle!”

Many credit both John Paul II and current Pope Benedict XVI with helping to turn things around for the Catholic Church, which had faced a public relations nightmare after thousands of people had come forward claiming Catholic priests had molested them as children. The two pontiffs worked overtime to squash and cover up many of these claims, as well as to make pedophilia seem akin to a speeding ticket.

“Take it from me, I would have thought that molesting hundreds of vulnerable children would be a big problem, both for me and the Catholic church,” said Cardinal Roger Mahony. “Turns out, not so much.”

Those seeking sainthood for John Paul II have mounted a hard campaign to enhance the former Pope’s reputation. The final blow came recently, when they convinced Catholic followers that pedophilia was the in thing in the 1970s.

“Everyone was doing it, man,” said O’Grady. “It was the scene.”

Once beatified, John Paul II will become known as the Patron Saint of Pedophiles. He will be the first new saint since he himself beatified Saint Mother Teresa, who is now the Patron Saint of Condoms Will Give You AIDS.

–WKW

 

Answering the Stupidest Questions: Do Dead Cows Mean Biblical Prophecy is coming true?

Hello everyone, and welcome to today’s episode of “Answering the Stupidest Questions.”

(Applause)

Today, Time Magazines dares to ask the question ringing in hardly anyone’s mind: “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?”

Regardless of the outcome of those necropsies, plenty of people find the herd’s mysterious death somewhat apocalyptic, especially in the wake of events that claimed the lives of thousands of birds and fish in Arkansas, and hundreds of birds in Sweden, Louisiana and Kentucky.

Some Christians, including online theologian Paul Begley in Indiana, believe the animal deaths were divined from above as a sign the end of days is approaching.

So, the question: “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?”

Answer: Of course not, you feeble, pandering morons.

That’s all for today, join us next week when we answer a question from young Billy O’Reilly, who asks “Being that tides are scientifically unexplainable, is it God?”

Thank you and good night!

(Applause)

–WKW

Get your Exorcise

As war and economic woes spread through the world like wildfire, the Catholic Church is ready to help – by finding more exorcists.

Citing a shortage of priests who can perform the rite, the nation’s Roman Catholic bishops are sponsoring a conference on how to conduct exorcisms.

The two-day training, starting Friday in Baltimore, is to outline the scriptural basis of evil, instruct clergy on evaluating whether a person is truly possessed, and review the prayers and rituals that comprise an exorcism. Among the speakers will be Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, archbishop of Galveston-Houston, Texas, and a priest-assistant to New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan.

Two days and you can be an exorcist. McDonalds won’t let you on the fryolator after two days.

HT AmericaBlog

–WKW

Let the Tax Man cometh for God

“Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”

If there has been one phrase reverberating across the United States the past decade or so, it’s that “Freedom isn’t Free.” So why is Freedom of Religion free?

As conservatives and liberals alike fret over the current U.S. deficit, Republicans have made it clear that they believe any new taxes would stifle growth and hurt business both large and small. But religion is not a business.

Ok, those last six words are, of course, terribly naive, but are correct in at least a figurative sense. A Church or religion is not a charity. They may commit acts of charity, but it is done for a singular purpose – to encourage people to follow their beliefs. The more that follow those beliefs, the more money is taken in by the church or religious entity.

[Read more]

Yes, I dabbled in Christianity

I dabbled in Christianity. I never joined a church. I did. I did. I dabbled into Christianity. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up.

I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a Christian was at a Christian alter, and I didn’t even know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a picnic at a Christian alter. I know.

–WKW

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