September 10, 2012
In the past several months, I have noticed that this blog has been rapidly losing its readership. I blame this on two major factors: 1) People are morons, and; 2) People seem to think that because I’m an Atheist, I do not love God.
There’s not much I can do in regard to the first factor, but in regards to the second factor, I feel I must be honest with the public – despite being an Atheist, I love God. Just like you do.
My love of God is ridiculous. God is The Man, in my book. Everything about God is just super-fantastic and I will fight to my final breath to keep God alive at this blog. Because God is crazy awesome.
Some people have wondered why I do not blog more about the U.S. troops currently in war zones. Well, I feel that my love of God covers that issue. I love God + God loves the troops = I love the troops. This is infallible logic.
And, wow, do I love God. And Jesus. I really, really love Jesus. He’s the tits, man. Did you know that you cannot get to heaven unless you acept that Jesus Christ is the most awesomest God of all the Gods? With the exception of God, of course. But still, Jesus is not someone to take lightly. He cured people. He was so cool, that people who never met him wrote a big-ass book about him a century or so after he died. That just rocks.
And the Holy Spirit? Well, I’m not sure what that’s all about, but rest assured I love Him/Her/It as much as anyone on this planet today.
Not only do I love God and Jesus, and to a lesser extent the Holy Spirit, I will fight for them. For instance, I am against the government plan to take God off of coins and folding money. I am against the government taking God out of churches. Sure, neither of these issues have ever actually been brought up at the federal level, but when you love God the way I do, you take no chances.
Some may say that I am coming out as a God-lover in order to pander to my lost readers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love God and always have, even though I deny his actual existence. So, in conclusion, I admit that I am, in fact, an Atheist. But don’t mind that. Just know that I love God and Jesus. Just like you do.
June 1, 2012
Say you’re a big fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers. They put a decent team on the field most years. You get a lot of enjoyment from them. But, occasionally, a couple of their players go out and molest kids. And then the team messily covers it up. Sure, that’s bad and all, but no reason to hate the Dodgers for that. You’d still be a big fan, right?
This, essentially, is how people deal with Catholic priests molesting children. Actually, however, it’s worse. People run to defend the Catholic Church for producing a never-ending stream of pedophiles in positions of power while they cover it up.
The fact that an inordinate number of Catholic priests molest children has been known for years now, and been openly debated for almost a half-century. It has literally become a running joke in popular culture.
And in the time we’ve discussed, researched and reviewed the “why” of the situation, we have apparently come up with an answer: It just happens. And we all accept it.
Yes, my friends, the Catholic Church is the epitome of “Too Big to Fail.” They send their men into the world into positions of power, and at very least one in 20 of them molest a child.
By the way, let’s make sure the thesis here is not overlooked: Catholic priests sexually molest children. Pedophiles are considered the worst of all offenders. In every prison around the globe, pedophiles are the bottom of the barrel. They are universally scorned.
Unless they’re Catholic priests. Then we just move on. Hell, we even allow the Vatican to be involved in the political process.
It’s really just mind-blowing if you were to think of it. If there were a chance that your babysitter would molest your child, would you hire that babysitter? Yet Catholics will gladly defy those odds if that babysitter was a Catholic priest.
Yes, there are court cases and the Vatican has had to grudgingly admit that there some problems, as it doles out millions of dollars to victims. But really, imagine of cops were molesting children at the same rate as Catholic priests? There would rightfully be anarchy.
So it bears repeating: Society has accepted that Catholic priests molest children.
To people who feel I’m generalizing, or have any other argument to make about my thesis, here is my reply: I am finished debating this issue. The crimes overwhelm the excuses. Catholic priests molest children. The issue has been given more than enough thought, and it now comes down to just one thing – it must stop.
Sadly, it won’t. More children will be molested and abused by Catholic priests. Because the societies of the world have just accepted it.
May 5, 2012
Noted liar-for-Christ David Barton has been making the media rounds lately, pushing another book of blatant history revisionism. Having been a blogger for quite some time, I consider myself a leading expert on just about everything, especially Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers. Thus I feel it is vital for me to set the record straight and show to the world that Barton is a daft poppy-head (apologies for the technical historical lingo).
I haven’t actually read Barton’s book, “The Jefferson Lies,” mind you. But I come from the Naomi Schaefer Riley school of journalism that states implicitly that knowing a subject comes from the gut, not from actual studying or logical thinking.
This is why I feel the need to point out these unassailable, completely true facts about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers.
Jefferson, you see, was a virulent Atheist on par with Richard Dawkins. This becomes obvious when you read through Jefferson’s trio of unpublished Atheist books: “God? Please,” “God? Really, We’re Still Blathering About That?” and “God? If He Really Existed, Wow is He a Jerk.”
In these books – which are not available to anyone – Jefferson rips God a new one, and prognosticates on the same level as Nostradamus.
“If there really were a God, would he allow me to actually own people? The whole concept makes no sense. Sure, I own people and occasionally sleep with some of them. But I do so simply because I CAN,” Jefferson wrote.
Or then there’s his view on God in politics.
“Only the weak-willed and incredibly stupid want a theocracy or even think religion has any place whatsoever in an actual government. What a bunh of freakin’ morons,” wrote Jefferson.
Or his predictions on today’s political scene.
“Mitt Romney? Are you kidding me? When this happens, the entire Republican Party needs to resign in shame and go live on an island somewhere where they won’t bother anyone. Mitt Romney for President? LOL.”
Aside from being the first human to ever use the acronym “LOL,” Jefferson had other things to say about today’s politics. Such as this, which he told me in a dream:
“One day, Barack Obama will be President of the United States of America. And Conservatives need to stop filibustering everything he tries to do. It’s un-American.”
“I mean, he’d be just three-fifths of an American today, and most likely a slave owned by one of us founders. But I’m pretty sure these things will change, eventually.”
Jefferson was not the only Atheist founding father, of course. George Washington once said this to a fellow walking by him:
“You can enjoy your so-called God. I’ll be drinking your milkshake while you do.”
“You guys know that Ron Paul voted for the war on Afghanistan, right? Because of ‘political pressure.’ What a freakin’ phony.”
Or then there was Thomas Paine, who had this to say:
“A media that refuses to call a liar a liar is not a media. It is a bunch of high-paid entertainment reporters. Joan Rivers should be covering politics if that’s what you want. At least she has some balls.”
“David Barton is so full of crap that you should be legally allowed to plant roses inside of him. What a lying scumbag.”
These examples prove – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that everything you have ever learned about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers is a lie. They all thought God was a silly concept, that religion belongs nowhere near a government, and that today’s Republicans are douchebags who will invoke God to win arguments.
I understand that I will have my critics. But everything I wrote here is the absolute truth. Go ahead and try and disprove any of it. It will just show that you hate the Founding Fathers and the United States of America. As Jefferson said while conducting a magic show at a child’s party:
“God is an illusion. Biblical historians doubly so.”
May 4, 2012
SWITZERLAND – A group of scientists – working from a huge grant by the Koch Brothers – have created a camel small enough to fit through the eye of a needle, sources say.
The camel – nicknamed Joel Osteen – was created in laboratory conditions in order to circumvent Jesus Christ’s famous biblical comment:
“I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The Koch Brothers were ecstatic at the news.
“This is just marvelous,” said David Koch – who has a net worth of $43 billion. “We view the Bible as the word of God. Thus, it’s important for us to find any possible loophole to guarantee we not just get to heaven, but get the best spot in heaven.”
The creation of the tiny camel goes hand-in-hand with a recent project by Koch-funded logicians, who came to the conclusion that since Caesar is dead, he deserves nothing, and if God really wants something, he should ask personally. This circumvents Christ’s comment, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.”
Aside from the tiny camel, scientists – at the Koch Brother’s request – also created a tiny lion for the billionaire brothers to play with and show off at parties.
“Just for shits and giggles,” said Charles Koch – who also has a net worth of $42 billion. “Look at it. It’s just adorable.”
Jesus Christ could not be reached for comment.
April 15, 2012
Happy Sunday! Remember to tithe!
January 10, 2012
The mystery of Jesus Christ has finally been solved. And as was expected, it ended in Japan.
Christ first visited Japan between the ages of 21 and 33 (the Bible does in fact skip over large periods of Christ’s early life, and many theories exist about what he did in the intervals). The document claims he studied the native language and culture before returning to Jerusalem, where he was crucified. Only it wasn’t really him who was crucified. His younger brother, Isukiri (who makes no appearance in the Bible), nobly took his place on the cross, pretending to be the Son of God, while the real Christ fled to Siberia.
A few years later, via Alaska, he arrived at the port of Hachinohe, just 40 km from Shingō. He made his way to the village, where he married, had three children, and lived to the age of 106.
So, that ends that mystery. Jesus Christ let his brother die for him, fled to Siberia and – via Alaska – made his way to Japan, where he lived a pleasant life and was by all accounts, just a fine fellow. No word on whether Sarah Palin has seen Christ’s actual footprints from her house.
January 9, 2012
Things Jesus didn’t do over the weekend:
Help Arizona-born U.S. citizen Amir Mirza Hekmati avoid being sentenced to death for being a spy in Iran.
Keep Syrian protesters from being killed.
Keep Beyonce & Jay-Z from naming their daughter “Blue Ivy.”
Help 10 Pakistani soldiers avoid denogginization.
Help the two people killed in a bus crash in Montana.
Keep gas prices from rising.
Keep a young girl from being cyberbullied until she killed herself, and keep the cyberbullies from mocking her after she died.
Things Jesus did over the weekend:
Help Tim Tebow beat the Pittsburgh Steelers and throw for 316 yards, which is similar to a Bible verse.
September 26, 2011
September 7, 2011
Taking away women’s rights is a key part of all religious fundamentalism. Because women didn’t have rights 2,000 years ago, and there will always be a section of society that is looking for an excuse for their own misogyny.
An anti-abortion group has announced that Rick Perry supports Ohio’s controversial “heartbeat bill,” one of the most radical and restrictive abortion measures in the country. The bill — designed to establish a direct challenge to the 22 to 24 week viability standards in Roe v. Wade — outlaws abortions if a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which can be as early as “six to seven weeks into pregnancy” and offers no exception for cases of rape, incest, or mental health of the mother …
… The radical bill is being pushed by the equally radical Faith2Nation’s Jane Porter, a believer in “dominion” theology — “the idea that Christians are called to take complete control over every aspect of human life in order to bring about the return of Christ” — and the former co-chair of Mike Huckabee’s Faith and Family Values Coalition when he first ran for president. The Ohio House passed the heartbeat measure in June, during a bizarre session when Republican lawmakers compared opponents of the law to slave owners and argued that abortions make people more likely to smoke pot. The state Senate is expected to take-up the measure this month.
Allowing the radical fringe to have any power puts everyone at risk. Because regardless what the Religious Right says about Sharia Law or Islamic fundamentalism, what they truly feel is envy. A theocratic state is the goal of radical fundamentalists. And Rick Perry is a radical fundamentalist.
August 30, 2011
August 29, 2011
Ok, not really. The fact is that Tim Tebow is not ready to be a starting quarterback in the NFL. He may never be. This really isn’t much of a slam, because a really, really, really small percentage of Americans are ready to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.
Don’t tell that to some Christians, tho. Despite Christianity dominating American society, they see Tebow’s treatment as pure religious bigotry. From Rick Reilly:
Randy Cross doesn’t know me. Wouldn’t know me if I stuck my thumb in his chili. So why did he just accuse me of being anti-Christian??
Two weeks ago, I wrote that Tim Tebow is not cutting it in the NFL. According to sources I quoted within the Denver Broncos, he is not within a plastic spork of cutting it. Doesn’t mean he won’t someday. It’s just that right now, the thousands of guys wearing his jersey in the stands have as good a chance of starting as he does.
Wasn’t personal. I like the kid, just not as my quarterback. Or anybody’s. Not yet.
But Tuesday, CBS Sports NFL analyst Randy Cross said that media like me are bashing Tebow simply because he’s openly Christian.
Oh, those Christians. They certainly are a persecuted bunch.
August 8, 2011
Rick Perry is a privileged nutjob who uses God as a political ploy. And there are people out there that want him to be the President of the United States. These are some scary, scary people.
May 5, 2011
In 2011, showcasing someone’s blood is usually left to the likes of eccentric celebrities or psycopaths. But when it comes to religion, blood lust is not just a hobby, it’s part and parcel of the whole thing. Which explains why Pope John Paul II’s blood was on display at the Vatican.
Blood taken from Pope John Paul II before he died is to go on display at his beatification on Sunday.
One of four small vials of blood removed from John Paul during his final days will be used, the Vatican said in a statement.
The Polish pontiff is to be beatified at a ceremony celebrated by his successor, Pope Benedict XVI. …
… After the death of John Paul, two of the vials of blood were given to the late pope’s private secretary, Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz, now archbishop of Krakow, Poland. …
… After being extracted, the blood was mixed with an anti-coagulant in the container to ensure it remained liquid.
“The blood and hair, these are from of the pope’s body, so these are relics of the first degree,” Cardinal Dziwisz told AFP.
No one should ever dismiss the importance of hair and anti-coagulant in the march toward sainthood. Also, murdering Africans by telling them that condoms will kill them and protecting pedophiles is quite important, as well.
April 24, 2011
March 14, 2011
HARRISBURG, Pa — After years of fielding complaints that he had not taken a hard enough stance against Westboro Baptist Church and its hate speech, Almighty God today unleashed what onlookers have described as a “shitload of smiting” against the controversial group that just won a Supreme Court case on free speech.
“Guess God don’t much care for Supreme Court cases,” said the onlooker, Jim Thompson of Dubuque, Iowa. “Because God just WENT OFF!”
Going in with a strategy of “Shock and Amen,” God woke up members of the Westboro Cult with a swarm of locusts, then rained frogs on them for an hour. A plague of gnats followed, and soon all members of Westboro had boils appear on their skin.
Then God showed why he was “God” and went modern Biblical on their asses as he turned their coffee into blood and made records of their fetish-video rentals public via Wikileaks. Then, God made it rain failed American Idol candidates and gay porn videos.
Finally, to finish a performance many have already called “inspired,” God went back to his old-school roots and lightning bolted Phelps, his family and all his followers into crispy embers of hate.
While many have looked to analyze why God finally went off on Westboro Baptist – which for years has peddled angry homophobia as some type of religious belief – experts were only left a few words from God as he left the scene of the carnage.
“Love everyone. I don’t make mistakes.”