William K. Wolfrum

My friends, it is time I admit to a hidden truth. I am 62 percent Muslim.

I’m not sure how it happened. Deep in my heart, I believe Islam, Christianity and Judaism are all quite similar to Scientology - as cults. The “Big Three” just has the advantage of having been around so long that people accept them as respectable. But they’re all the same to me.

Nonetheless, it turns out I am 62 percent Muslim. Which makes me 62 percent more likely to be enslaved and tortured in a U.S. internment camp like Guantanamo Bay, or somewhere in the hills of Romania. Hopefully, I’ll catch a break as despite being 62 percent Muslim, I am really, really a crappy Muslim. Hell, I’m eating a pork sandwich as I type this.

But I respect the fact that 62 percent of me is a non-believing, non-practicing Muslim. I’m not sure what the rest of me is, but my latest trip to the doctor leads me to believe a good portion of the other 38 percent is pure cholesterol.

Anyway, I just wanted to be open and honest about how I break down on a percentile basis when it comes to being a Muslim. Feel free to find out how Muslim you are at Are You a Muslim?

–WKW

This week at the Masters golf tournament there will be more millionaire Christians congregated together than one could shake a stick at, should stick shaking be an action you prefer for this type of thing.

Yes, Augusta, Georgia is just bursting at its peach-stained borders as it prepares for the Masters, as old money meets with new money that meets with “Hey, how the hell did you get money?” at extravagant Masters-flavored galas throughout the land.

But the fact is this: Christians are in immortal peril. We must save them. You see, as I was strolling through Kevin 4:12 (there was a Kevin, right?) I came to a part that states that every Christian should give away all their money and preach about Jesus, or go to Hell. Or something like that. It was pretty explicit, though.

Now, while I pick and choose which parts of the Bible I take seriously (you know, like all other Christians), I have decided to take this particular sin Extremely Seriously.

And being a golf blogger, it was easy to find a whole flock of sinners this week - in Augusta. You can almost feel the Christianity in the air at Augusta National, though I suspect that would be true in most of the South. This is not a bad thing, mind you. I would have to guess that the vast majority of Georgia Christians are true peaches. They tithe, they give, they are generally pleasant to be around. But like me, they are sinners headed for hell. Unlike me, they care.

So I have decided that a two-prong plan is necessary. The first part is that every good Christian in Augusta (including PGA Tour players) must give away all their earthly goods. The second part is they need to give it all away to me.

Now, I can see that the latter part of this plan raises eyebrows, but its necessity is two fold. First, it’s all about verification. You send me everything; I mark you down as not violating that sin. And I’ll make a Powerpoint Presentation out of it that will really dazzle.

Secondly, you’ll be enriching me. As a non-believer, I will be punished even extra for living such a luxurious life, and I will be promoting the Christian cause. Do you see the beauty in that? I will not mock your faith and only speak highly of it. Because, seriously, I’ll freakin’ love Christians.

Also, for me - a Hell-bound soul - this is sort of a “Pay My Way Through Hell” deal. At very least, I can spend my mortal days in the manner I so clearly deserve. And when it’s all over, you can laugh at me from above as I get eternally tortured, and kick myself for being so shortsighted.

But it’s cool because I don’t believe in that. But you do.

Because religion matters. And you either follow the rules or you don’t. God just isn’t going to cut anyone any slack and this isn’t something a deathbed confession will fix. This is a big sin we’re talking about here. I want to help as many of you as I can. Let me save you as I damn myself. Just put on some old clothes and hiking boots and start wandering the land telling people about Jesus. And then have your accountant give away all your possessions. To me.

–WKW

Hey, kids, gather around! The Vatican has come up with some more stuff we can’t do!

Vatican lists new hip, modern sins

The Vatican has unveiled some new sins for the 21st Century, such as genetic manipulation, pollution and social injustice.

Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican’s number-two official for sins and penance, told L’Osservatore Romano that he saw bioethics as posing the greatest risks for the human soul.

“(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control,” he told the Vatican’s official newspaper on Sunday in an interview headlined “New Forms of Social Sin.”

The Roman Catholic Church has previously spoken out against stem cell research that requires the destruction of human embryos, believing that life begins at conception.

Girotti also attacked drugs, saying they “weaken the mind and obscure intelligence.”

On the growing gap between rich and poor, he said it causes “an unbearable social injustice.”

Pope Benedict has made several strong statements on the environment in recent months, saying problems like climate change had become critical to humanity’s future.

Catholicism has two basic types of sin: Venial, which are relatively less important and forgivable, and mortal. Those can include acts like abortion and murder, although the church doesn’t keep a well-defined list.

Mortal sins can cause a person to go to Hell unless confessed to a priest, who then absolves the sinner in God’s name.

First of all, I’m shocked there’s nothing about piercings, tattoos, or wearing jeans too low, because those things really seem to piss off older folks like archbishops and popes. But, anyway, let’s review:

“(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control,”

Ok, this one is cool because most of us aren’t scientists, and scientists themselves don’t believe this stuff anyway. Plus they don’t say anything about being “cured” from stem cells or anything like that. You see, the Pope is a lot like that lady from PETA who uses insulin while denouncing all use of animals for medical purposes. They talk a good game, but when they’re sick, they just want a cure and don’t care if it came from baby tears.

Girotti also attacked drugs, saying they “weaken the mind and obscure intelligence.”

Well, duh. We wouldn’t expect someone like Girotti to understand the soothing elements of mind-weakening and intelligence-obscuring, anyway. Now go back and enjoy your wine, Archbishop.

On the growing gap between rich and poor, he said it causes “an unbearable social injustice.”

Wouldn’t it just rock to see the Pope show up somewhere with a Che Guevara, shirt? I mean, he’d be a total poser, but it would be cool.

Pope Benedict has made several strong statements on the environment in recent months, saying problems like climate change had become critical to humanity’s future.

Quick, someone call Captain Ed and the folks at National Review Online! Al Gore has gotten to the Pope!

I just love the end of the article though:

Catholicism has two basic types of sin: Venial, which are relatively less important and forgivable, and mortal. Those can include acts like abortion and murder, although the church doesn’t keep a well-defined list.>

Mortal sins can cause a person to go to Hell unless confessed to a priest, who then absolves the sinner in God’s name.

Damn, when you see this stuff actually written down, you really see the ridiculousness of it, don’t you. I wonder if you commit a mortal sin, and then confess it to a priest who just molested a small child, you’ll still be free from Hell (always capitalize “Hell”).

Anyway, what it all comes down to this: tithe, you heathens, tithe!!

–WKW

In case you were wondering how George W. Bush was doing in his effort to make Revelations into a reality show, the answer is - pretty good.

The Rapture Index has hit 165, its highest level in years.

So have that extra piece of cake. Christ is coming. And if it’s the Christ that Bush and Huckabee believe in, no one will make it out of this alive.

–WKW

What’s your sign? Find out at Church Sign Generator.

–WKW

Apparently, George W. Bush has ordered Ram and Hanuman to ignore the court’s request, noting that “as Gods, there are obviously U.S. security issues involved.”

Hindu gods get summons from court

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to “appear before the court personally”.

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered. …

Judge Singh sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be “incomplete”.

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

“You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are hereby directed to appear before the court personally”, Judge Singh’s notice said.

The two Hindu gods have been summoned as the defence claimed that they were owners of the disputed land.

–WKW

Much like International “Ass Pimple Awareness Weekend,” the infamous “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week” has taught us all numerous lessons. For one, now we officially know the spelling of “Islamo-Fascism.” It’s hyphenated, people. Here’s hoping the 2008 AP Stylebook reflects this.

Most importantly, what this week of hand-holding, parades and race-baiting has taught us is this: Muslims take their religion much too seriously.

Growing up a Catholic, I learned early on that my religion was something I did grudgingly on Sundays. It was not something to base my life on, or even really think about. It was something to get done on Sundays, preferably at the 10 a.m. mass, which Father Mayoni would blitz through in about 21 minutes, including sermon, because he was a big fan of the NFL.

As a Christian, I was taught many things, but thankfully never tested on any of it, because like everyone else, I barely paid attention and was much busier worrying about things like the girls that were attending mass, which sins I’d cop to in confession, and how I’d choke down the Eucharist.

In other words, I was the perfect example of a religious American.

This brings us to the big problem with Muslims - they take this shit really seriously. They pray every, single day. I think like five times. This is unheard of to the average American, who generally only prays when they need money, or they want their sports team to win. Rick Santorum put it best recently.

“Islam, unlike Christianity, is an all-encompassing ideology,” said Santorum. “It is not just something you do on Sunday…. We (as Americans) don’t get that.”

Plus, Muslims take their holy book literally. How crazy is that? They actually pay attention to all the rules, dress accordingly, eat accordingly, etc. Growing up a Catholic, that was just unheard of.

You see, the Bible is full of all sorts of nonsense that would really make your life miserable if you followed all the rules. Plus, the economy would just go to shit because everybody would be busy praying, trying to convert others and periodically giving all their shit away. Religion is fine, and all, but we have a gross national product to think of. The shellfish industry would tank if Christians in the U.S. took the Bible seriously. Plus there’d be stones and dead bodies everywhere. It’d be a true hassle.

In America, we only pay attention to the ancient words of our holy books when they have to do with homosexuality. Plus we all skim to the end and trip out on Revelations. Aside from that, we more or less pick and choose, as benefit the individual at any given moment. Because, really, all that “do not covet” nonsense is just inapplicable in a capitalistic society where the divorce rate is like 90 percent or whatever.

So much like “Ass Pimple Awareness Weekend,” has taught us all to avoid wearing a thong bikini during an outbreak, “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week” has taught us something important: Muslims just need to ease up already.

For our Muslim friends, the lesson is this: eat a ham sandwich, have a beer and smoke a cigarette already. Cut your praying down to once or twice a month, and go to church just enough to be able to brag to your friends about it.

Because, really, that’s what religion is all about - bragging about it. It’s when you start taking all the rules of religion seriously that all hell breaks loose. That’s what “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week” has taught us all - that Muslims need to stop taking their religion so damned seriously. Once they start doing that, then they’ll be perfected, like American Christians.

–WKW

Old popes never die, they just return to the world as blazing demons:

“Is this Pope John Paul II waving from beyond the grave? Vatican TV director says yes”

This fiery figure is being hailed as Pope John Paul II making an appearance beyond the grave.

The image, said by believers to show the Holy Father with his right hand raised in blessing, was spotted during a ceremony in Poland to mark the second anniversary of his death.

Details appeared on the Vatican News Service, a TV station in Rome which specialises in religious news broadcasts.

Service director Jarek Cielecki, a Polish priest and close friend of John Paul II, travelled to Poland after hearing an onlooker had photographed the image.

Father Cielecki said he was convinced the picture showed the former pontiff.

“You can see the image of a person in the flames and I think it is the servant of God, Pope John Paul II,” he said.

So remember kids, lead a good life and tithe to the Catholic Church, or a fiery Pope John Paul II will emerge from a bonfire and burn you to a crisp. Now go say five “Our Fathers” and 20 “Hail Marys” just to be on the safe side.

–WKW

I just have to say in all candor that since this nation was founded primarily on Snake-handling principles, personally, I prefer someone who I know who has a solid grounding in my faith. But that doesn’t mean that I’m sure that someone who is Christian would not make a good president. I admire the Christian. I would vote for a Christian if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and defend our political values. But the Constitution established the United States of America as a nation of Snake Handlers.

Seriously, it’s no more ridiculous than some other claims.

–WKW

This is why more and more people are listening to, and agreeing with the likes of Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. And also why believers are pulling away from organized religion in droves.

This one statement will lead to the death of thousands. Archbishop Francisco Chimoio and every one at the Vatican including the Pope should be tried for murder. It’s that simple. They have gotten a free pass on murdering millions for far too long.

“S. African bishop: Condoms tainted with AIDS”

MAPUTO, Mozambique (Reuters) - The head of the Catholic church in Mozambique said on Wednesday he believed some European-made condoms were deliberately tainted with the HIV/AIDS virus to kill African people.

“I know of two countries in Europe who are making condoms with (the) virus on purpose, they want to finish with African people as part of their program to colonize the continent,” Archbishop Francisco Chimoio told Reuters.

“If we are not careful we will finish in one century.

“I also know some companies who are manufacturing anti-retroviral drugs already infected with the virus, also in order to finish quickly the African people,” Chimoio said.

He declined to name the European countries in question or the source of his allegations.

The Catholic Church, followed by 17 percent of Mozambique’s population, opposes the use of condoms.

“People must choose what they want between death and I propose to them that (abstinence) is the best way to fight HIV/AIDS,” Chimoio said.

More than 16 percent of Mozambique’s 19 million people, mostly economically active adults aged between 14 and 49, are infected with HIV/AIDS. About 500 infections are recorded every day, according to the health department.

–WKW