Obama Must Attend Westboro Baptist Church

America faces few problems worse than where and when Barack Obama goes to church. Sure, there are environmental catastrophes to worry about, an economy that shows no interest in bouncing back, wars on God knows how many fronts and unemployment high enough to make Herbert Hoover cringe.

But this is America. And Christ matters.

With 20 percent of Americans believing that Obama is actually a Muslim, it’s time for Obama to turn that tide. He and his family must join the whitest, most conservative Christian Church as possible.

This is why I believe Obama needs to start attending Westboro Baptist Church. Because if there’s one thing you can say about Fred Phelps’ group, it’s that they certainly aren’t Muslim. Crazed, hateful theocrats? Sure. But not Muslims.

Of course, Phelps and his followers have little respect for Obama, being convinced he’s the anti-Christ, and all, but a weekly excursion to Topeka, Kansas should change that. Obama is exceedingly personable and can tithe like few others. He will quickly become a popular figure.

And while some may blanch at Westboro’s “God Hates Fags” motto, Obama should be able to fit right in, not with words but with actions. Obama still believes gays and lesbians should not be allowed to serve in the military, and he also believes that Gays & Lesbians should be able to be fired for the offense of being Gay or Lesbian. At this stage of the game, Obama fits right in with Phelps’ Phreaks.

Mostly, though, church will be a place for Obama to go think. In an impromptu poll taken by the Chronicles, we’ve discovered that 80 percent of churchgoers don’t pay a lick of attention during a mass. By attending Westboro Baptist, Obama can have at least an hour of private time where he can contemplate the nation’s ills, how LeBron James will fit with the Miami Heat, and other important issues.

By attending Westboro Baptist Church, Obama will convince those 20 percent that he is not a Muslim. Sure, he’ll lose the other 80 percent entirely, but he can worry about that later. What matters now is that he just go to a Christian church. Any Christian church. Because only then can he get Politico, NPR, CNN, and other media sources off his back.

Because only by going to a Christian church regularly can Barack Obama include himself in the vast majority of Americans who go to a Christian church because they think they’re supposed to and spend the mass thinking about football.

Because, at the very least, thinking about football in a Christian church is much more politically important than debating whether Obama is Muslim or not.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Taxing Your Faith

When you have the money to paint your churches gold, you have enough money to pay income tax, says I.

Wolfrum’s Word

Freedom isn’t free. So why is freedom of religion tax-free? At my latest post at “Alan Colmes Presents Liberaland,” I take a look at whether it’s time to pull the non-profit rug from underneath Churches.

News/Politics

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Holy Spirit quits Holy Trinity to embark on solo career

Holy Spirit announced today that he has left the Holy Trinity in order to pursue a solo career.

“For too long, I have been an overlooked member of this Supergroup, relegated to such things as telling girls when God impregnated them,” said Spirit, his mother sitting beside him for the duration of the interview. “Finally, people will get to see what my work is all about.”

Long considered the “Ringo” of the Holy Trinity to God and Son’s Lennon and McCartney, Spirit has long spoke of a potential move. While the sheer number of true followers Spirit will take with him are staggering, the fact that no one really understands the concept of the Holy Spirit will likely make a solo career tougher for him.

Spirit (Real Name: Tim Johnson) is the incomprehensible “essence of God,” but that will likely be a tough sale says industry analyst Jens Beckerhenmen.

[Read more]

Ted Haggard over-repents, shooting past straight and right back to Gay

COLORADO – Hours after admitting that his sexual liason with a male prostitute was a “massage gone awry,” Ted Haggard has admitted he is again feeling Gay urges.

“What can I say,” said Haggard. “I over-repented and shot straight past being straight.”

Haggard, who gets paid to tell people how they are supposed to act, was forced to resign nearly four years ago as president of the politically powerful National Association of Evangelicals and to step down from the megachurch he founded, after admitting that he had bought methamphetamine from, and had a sexual encounter with a gay prostitute.

This time around, Haggard said it was a trip to a steam bath gone horribly wrong.

“I’m just minding my heterosexual business having a steam and then all hell broke loose,” said Haggard. “Then all of a sudden I’m doing meth and having sex with a dude named Chuck. I blame the steam.”

Haggard recently started a new church in his backyard and has built his congregation to more than 200 in just two months.

“Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football,” said Haggard, who also admitted to electrocuting a puppy during a “trip to a dog park gone awry.”

While this latest setback threatens his non-stop attempt to tell Gays and Lesbians they are going to Hell, Haggard said he feels like he’s ready to give it all one more shot.

“I need to be leading a church,” said Haggard. “I’m hoping that this time around, I repent the exact right amount to be heterosexual.”

–WKW

God & the Oil Spill: A lack of leadership

On April 20, 2010, British Petroleum’s Deep Water Horizon oil rig exploded, killing 11 men and allowing millions of gallons of oil to gush into the Gulf of Mexico. Almost immediately the call went out to him. Yet there was no reply.

Since then, the call to him has been made by many, from President Barack Obama to ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. And still no response. God, it appears, is refusing to take a leadership position when he’s needed the most.

Yes, in the two months since the oil began destroying the livlihoods of fisherman and the Gulf of Mexico, God has had no comment. This despite incessant pleas for help from the Louisiana Senate, from U.S. Bishops and Gulf pastors, as well as hundreds of thousands of Americans.

But God has turned a blind eye.

Some have chastised God’s unwillingness to help, claiming he has spent far too much time helping soccer players score goals in the World Cup (they all thank him after scoring). Others were irked at his appearances at the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach. Yes, while the Gulf of Mexico is being destroyed, God golfs.

Others have been sharper in their criticism, stating that God caused the oil spill in order to pass comprehensive energy legislation, or to force Americans off their addiction to fossil fuels. Some have even gone so far as to suggest God is punishing America for gorging on shellfish.

At this point, all arguments must be considered. Because while the nation is being implored to reach out to God for help, God – who thousands of years ago couldn’t shut up – has been silent. There has been no strategic oil spill clean-up plan coming from God and no plans on helping fisherman. There has been nothing but silence.

The time for leadership is now. If God is unwilling or unable to help America out in its great time of need, perhaps he’s just not the God we thought he was. Perhaps now is the time to look to Allah, or Satan, or some other supernatural being with engineering know how.

The clock is ticking. Oil is still spewing. And God is showcasing an incredible lack of leadership, if not outright incompetence in helping the situation. This is America and results matter, and if God can’t take control of this situation, then maybe it’s time we stopped looking to the heavens for a miracle.

–WKW

Breaking: Sprinkling Holy Water on Atheists doesn’t hurt them

Like all incidents involving Holy Water and Satanic Haitian rituals, there still are many unanswered questions to this story of two women trying to de-Satan-ify an Atheist.

POMPANO BEACH — Two teachers accused of sprinkling holy water onto an avowed atheist colleague have been removed from the classroom, and may be fired.

The teacher who was allegedly sprinkled filed a complaint with the Broward County school district, which is investigating the incident as an act of bullying.

At the center of the investigation are Blanche Ely High School reading teachers Leslie Rainer and Djuna Robinson, who profess that they are Christians. They are accused of sprinkling holy water onto fellow teacher Schandra Tompkinsel Rodriguez. …

… In response to one student’s remark that the disaster in Haiti happened because of God’s wrath on the island nation over a pact its leaders made with Satan more than 200 years ago, Rodriguez reportedly began refuting Christianity.

The alleged Satanic pact in question reportedly occurred at Bois-Caïman, near Cap-Haïtien, on August 14, 1791, during a voodoo ceremony held by enslaved Africans. The reported pact came before the slave rebellion and start of the Haitian Independence War, in which rebel leaders offered the reported agreement in exchange for a victory against the French Army.

One thing to note: The only thing you can do with Holy Water is “sprinkle” it. Even when “sprinkling” it on unwilling participants.

–WKW

Pope-flavored condoms – finally

If you just trust the free market, everything will work out. Becaue what we’ve all been waiting for – pope-flavored inspired condoms – are finally available:

AMSTERDAM (Reuters Life!) – A Dutch sex shop will be giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms” this weekend in a dig at the Roman Catholic Church.

De Condoomfabriek (The Condom Factory) said it wanted to make a point about sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and the Vatican’s opposition to contraceptives.

While the Catholic Church is famous for telling followers from HIV/AIDS decimated countries that condoms do more harm than good, we’re still not aware if they use condoms when practicing pedophilia. The Pope has hidden those records, after all.

–WKW

Atheists win! Mojave Desert Cross is stolen!

This is just great news. Atheists around the world must be applauding the theft of the controversial Mojave Desert cross. This is a great moment for Atheists and the time is at hand to spread our lack of belief around the planet. The cross has been stolen, and it is a great sign.

From Yahoo:

A cross erected on a remote Mojave Desert outcropping to honor American war dead has been stolen less than two weeks after the U.S. Supreme Court allowed it to remain standing while a legal battle continued over its presence on federal land.

Versions of the memorial have been vandalized repeatedly in the last 75 years and the motive this time was not immediately known, but the theft was condemned Tuesday by veterans groups that support the cross and by civil libertarians that saw it as a violation of the constitutional separation of church and state.

“The American Legion expects whoever is responsible for this vile act to be brought to justice,” said Clarence Hill, the group’s national commander.

Again, everyone, this is just a huge victory for all of us, and a damning blow against Christianity. I struggle to see how they’ll recover from this one. Now let’s start converting them to Atheism.

–WKW

Pope Benedict credited with “Miracle” for attention-diverting oil spill, NYC car bomb

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has gotten a big boost in his work for potential canonization due to attention-diverting incidents around the planet, sources say.

“Every night, the Pope has prayed that something would happen that would take people’s minds off the fact he protected pedophile priests,” said the source. “And now, look around, it’s truly a miracle.”

After several weeks of non-stop news regarding Catholic priests molesting children and the Catholic Church hiding the truth, there has been a literal explosion of big news around the world, including:

• The massive British Petroleum Oil Rig Explosion and ensuing environmental destruction;
• The Car Bomb scare in New York City, and;
• Massive storms and flooding in the Southeast of the U.S.

“Our prayers have been answered,” said the source. “Now, people are already forgetting that Catholic Priests molested children and the Pope protected them.

“Truly, Pope Benedict XVI is on his way to sainthood,” added the source. “Burying stories about pedophile priests and the Church protecting them is just miraculous.”

–WKW

Blogger starts writing about Muhammad, gets nervous, chokes

Nothing to see here.

–WKW

Pope Benedict XVI takes over at Goldman Sachs

NEW YORK/ROME — Catholic Pope Benedict XVI has taken over all responsibilities at troubled Goldman Sachs, today. His new title will be Chief Holy Authority (CFA) or just “Pope.”

The Pope will keep his duties with the Catholic Church while working simultaneously at Goldman Sachs. The Pope stated he saw no problems for the giant financial firm that is currently in trouble with the SEC.

“We’ll move some people around, it will be fine,” said Pope.

An unnamed official at Goldman Sachs said the hiring of the Pope was the aggressive move need to put the whole company at ease.

“Let me tell you, with Benny, we’ll be just fine,” said the Goldman Sachs employee. “Some people got to go to Kansas, some to small Latin American countries. We’re good.”

Goldman Sachs was down 12 percent on the news, as nervous investors want to see how this will all play out.

–WKW

Jesus Christ, he’s hung!

As the Catholic Church has nothing to deal with of any significance at the moment, the above statue has sent Catholics into a tizzy. Because instead of seeing Jesus’ image on a tortilla, they see Jesus’ penis on Jesus.

Via Crooks & Liars:

Churchgoers are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church they say shows Jesus with exposed genitalia.

Janet Jaime is the artist who designed the crucifix hanging in St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church. She was unavailable for comment, but her husband said critics are misinterpreting a common religious icon.

“This isn’t just a subjective drawing. This is a historical icon of the church,” said Reggie Jaime, husband of Janet Jaime, an Oklahoma City iconographer commissioned by the church to design the crucifix. “I can’t help what you see in things, or she sees in things, or anyone.”

The church’s pastor, Father Phillip Seeton, referred questions Wednesday to the Oklahoma City Archdiocese.

Monsignor Edward Weisenburger said he has no problems with the crucifix and referred specific questions back to Seeton.

Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering the abdominal area.

I prefer to avoid comment on this massive controversy, but I will say this – if the artist intended it to be a penis, then we can all understand how Jesus got the nickname “J.C. Superstar.”

–WKW

Pope Benedict shoot & kills God – claims self-defense

VATICAN – Claiming he had no choice and was only protecting himself and his Church, Pope Benedict today shot and killed God. The Almighty was rushed to a nearby hospital but was pronounced dead from the wounds.

The shooting took place moments before the Pope’s annual Easter Mass. During the Mass, the Pope declared that the act of violence was necessary to help stop the “Flood of Gossip” which threatens to derail the church. A senior Pope spokesman later discussed the incident with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Listen, the recent allegations that the Pope protected pedophile priests was the last straw,” said Cardinal Guido Sarducci. “It was time for the Pope to act, decisively and with finality. It was self-defense, plain and simple.”

The Cardinal added that the Catholic Church has too long been beholden to an unreasonable God, who holds high expectations like having Catholic Priests not molest children. By removing God once and for all from the equation, the Pope could finally ascend from mere mortal to true deity.

“We’re the ones who have done the work on Earth and we’re the ones who make the rules,” said Sarducci, calmly smoking a Pall Mall. “So if the Pope says this pedophile controversy is false, then it must be considered false. Praise be to Benedict.”

The Pope was not arrested for the killing of God, nor was he questioned, as such things just aren’t done. Top Catholic Bill Donohue said that the death of God would only make the Church more important to the world.

“God is dead,” said Donohue. “It is time for all nations to come together and realize that they have always been worshiping the word of Man. And that man is the Pope. His word be praised.”

–WKW

Baby Jesus molested by Catholic Priest, disappears

BETHLEHEM (March 24, 0008) – The parents of Jesus Christ – the much ballyhooed Son of God – have accused a Catholic Church Priest of molesting their child, causing him to flee from the area.

“We really should have known better than to let him hang out with Catholics,” said Mary, mother of Jesus. “They’re just a bunch of predators.”

While Mary and her husband Joseph have filed complaints, the Catholic Church has already sent the offending Priest to the Diocese of Superior in northern Bethlehem, where he will spend his remaining years working freely with children in parishes and schools.

“While we feel terrible about the Jesus Christ molestation, the fact is that authorities have yet to arrest anyone,” said Pope Benedict I. “Once again the Catholic Church stands vindicated.”

For their part, Mary and Joseph stated that they wanted justice, but more importantly wanted to find their 8-year-old son.

“He left a note stating he won’t be back for 17 or 18 years and that he’s just plain lost,” said Joseph. “I can only hope that 2,000 years from now, pedophile priests are brought to justice, not protected by the Catholic Church.”

–WKW

I dream of a better world (with no pedophile-protecting Popes)

I have always lived my life as an optimist. Because of this, I have vivid fantasies of a better world for all of us.

I believe that one day, man will put down his arms and celebrate peace. That enemies will become friends. And that we won’t have a Pope that covers up for Pedophiles.

I believe that one day, humankind will come together as one to protect the Mother Earth. We will see the selfishness and arrogance of our ways and make our home a beautiful place. And that we won’t have a pedophile-protecting Pope.

I believe that one day, race will be meaningless. The tone of one’s skin will be of no interest to anyone, but rather they will be judged by the strength of their character. And that when Priests sexually abuse children, the Pope won’t worry about “The Church” first.

I believe that one day, there will be no poor and impoverished. Humankind will see that every man, woman and child have the right to dignity and health. And that when Catholic Churches abuse priests, the Pope won’t threaten the victims of sexual abuse with excommunication if they talk.

Yes, my friends, I believe in a brighter tomorrow. I believe we can all evolve to a place where selfishness and ignorance is replaced with selfless and intelligence. Where hate becomes love. And where the man who would be Pope doesn’t come to the defense of pedophiles.

–WKW

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