Needed: Non-Exploding Oil Platforms (updated)

I have a great respect for the intellect of my readers, so if one of you could maybe draw up some designs for an oil platform that won’t explode, that’d be just great.

Just E-mail me at wkwolfrum@gmail.com with the subject “Non-Exploding Oil Platform,” and your plans. Remember, if your plan involves an oil rig or platform that DOES explode, it will be disqualified.

I think we can make this happen.

Update: Astute Reader Dgun has used his engineering prowess to show off what he considers will be the perfect non-exploding oil platform:

Initial Examination: On the plus side, if you look to the left, you can see a fish, meaning this new, improved oil platform won’t harm sea life. This is good. But if you look more, you clearly see a specific plan for “Thing That Blows Up.”

Thus, while Dgun’s plan is engineered well, and protects fish, it includes the one flaw we were hoping to avoid. We will however share this plan with British Petroleum, because it seems to fit with their current engineering scheme.

Keep those plans coming!

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Tipping the Cow

Alan Simpson’s opinion of Social Security and those that accept it.

News/Politics

Pakistan Floods: The watery nightmare continues unabated.

NYC Cabbie Stabbed: Make no mistake, this was a text book hate crime. But what set Michael Enright off?

Help Wanted: Need nine people fluent in Ebonics. Apply at DEA.

Blagojevich Retrial: Boxing trainer Gil Clancy enjoyed telling a story about being in the dressing room with a fighter who’d just lost. “Get me him again,”the fighter said. “You just had him,” answered Clancy. The same goes with Blago. They had him, lost him, and now it’s time to move on.

Glenn Beck’s “Dream”: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ken Mehlman’s Outage: No surprise, of course, but maybe some of these RNC types could come out while they still have political power.

Tea Party Power: As expected, the Tea Party will be the best thing Dems have going for them this November.

Sports

Tiger Woods’ Ex speaks: Elin Nordegren speaks out for the first time, and comes off as the only likable, real character in the whole mess.

More Football: The NFL wants an 18-game season? I’m ok with that.

Blogs

Crooks & Liars: A new design and some new bloggers for the venerable (by Web standards) blog.

Emptywheel: New Wikileak: CIA Admits US Exports Terror.

The NonProfit Quarterly: Wikileaks is all about exposure. Except when it comes to its own finances.

Swampland: Even Joe Klein is wondering about the truth of “Dems being depressed with Obama.”

Paul Krugman: Every day and in every way, we’ll learn that Krugman has been right all along.

And Finally

Seth MacFarlane is an interesting case. He’ll try and break every rule in the book on his TV shows, but becomes a babbling, uncertain fool when discussing real-world events. Also of interest, the ADL complained about MacFarlane using the term “Nazi.” Five-thousand politicians have compared Obama to Hitler, but MacFarlane gets chastised? Weird.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – A Pee-Wee Protest

You just aren’t American if you aren’t protesting something.

News/Politics

More Bad Eggs: Remember, if you’re going to make an omelet, you’re going to have to give a few thousand people salmonella.

CIA Interrogation Tapes: If you want to make sure torture tapes are eliminated, make sure you check under the desk.

They’ve Lost Rubio: When Marco Rubio starts backing away from the Tea Party, you know the end is near.

Doled: How messed up is the Republican Party? Standard-bearer Bob Dole is donating to Charlie Crist.

Mosque Madness: A group of white people protest things they don’t understand.

Drug Testing: The easiest way to test side-effects of drugs? Test them on poor kids in impoverished nations!

Sports

See ya, Lou: I still remember Lou Piniella as a dangerous hitter for a tough Yankees team when the Yanks and Dodgers seemed to meet yearly in the World Series. He’s calling it a career now, and the Hall of Fame should be calling on him in five years time.

American Values: Guy chickens out, allowing a foul ball to hit his girlfriend. Guy then threatens to release nude pictures of her. Girl beats him to the punch.

Blogs

The Pigeon Post: The Lowest Common Denominator.

Doctor Cleveland: Dear Right Wing: Is This War or Not?

Brad Blog: America’s voting machines – now with Pac-Man!

Down With Tyranny: One city’s brave stand against paying taxes – even though it could close the only hospital and turn the place into a ghost town.

Finally

Pee-Wee goes to Sturgis.

If you find yourself needing more Pee-Wee Herman, check him out on Twitter.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Raptor Jesus Edition

Nowhere in the bible does it say that Jesus isn’t a raptor.

News/Politics

Pakistan: A slow-moving tsunami wrecks havoc, as help is slow to come.

John McCain – Winner: Say what you will about John McCain’s flip-flopping, but it will lead him to six more years in the Senate.

Bad Egg: As millions of eggs are recalled, maybe it’s time to do something about corporate scofflaw Jack DeCoster..

The Gulf is Clean!: Except for that 30-mile plume of oil underwater. But who counts that?

People

Roger Clemens indicted: Roger Clemens never took steroids. That’s his story and he’ll stay with it all the way to the slammer.

Wyclef Jean: No Presidency for you!

Blogs

The New Civil Rights Movement: Peter. LaBarbera. Homophobe.

Talking Points Memo: Sarah Palin would be appalled if a public figure used the N-word. But Dr. Laura’s cool.

Crooks & Liars: The markets have been playing as if everything is just fine with the economy. But it’s not, and they’re starting to notice.

Jesus’ General: Sept. 12 is Burn a Confederate flag day.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Nicolas Sarkozy on Line One

Sarah Palin talking with “Nicolas Sarkozy.” We must never forget.

News/Politics

V-Iraq Day: Combat troops are on their way out of Iraq. The war is over! Just ignore the 50,000 troops we left there.

Pakistan: A massive natural disaster may be just the ticket for the the Taliban.

France Says No: As previously reported, there’s no way in Hell France will give Haiti a dime. They stole that money fair and square.

A Muslim Obama: It seems 20 percent of Americans believe President Obama is a Muslim. Must be all those predator drone attacks.

Check Please: It seems like the federal government just can’t buy Alaska’s love.

Freedom of Shriek: Sarah Palin and Dr. Laura make the First Amendment mean whatever they want it to mean.

[Read more]

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Mosque Madness

Nothing quite showcases the hallowed ground near Ground Zero better than Thunder Lingerie.

Wolfrum’s Word

There are still 11 weeks to go until the November elections, but Silly Season is seriously underway. Over the past few weeks, some of the biggest political stories have been – Shirley Sherrod, changing the 14th Amendment and ignoring the First Amendment outright. The simple fact is that the GOP Republican Shadow Government will spam the political discourse to get the onus off their actual record. It’s what they do. But with unemployment off the charts and none of their economic plans amounting to much (why didn’t those Bush Tax Cuts protect the economy, anyway?) it would be pleasant to see U.S. voters see through the charade this time.

News/Politics

[Read more]

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Kill All Babies Edition

Don’t say you weren’t warned about blood-thirsty terror babies.

News/Politics

Terror Babies: Texas State Rep. Debbie Riddle believes there is a plot involving pregnant women from other countries traveling to America as tourists to give birth, and then raising the babies as terrorists. These are the death throes of a Republic.

The GOP’s Economy: David Stockman, President Ronald Reagan’s director of the Office of Management and Budget, says the GOP has destroyed the U.S. economy.

Protect the Border: President Obama to approve $600 million for border security. I guess that border fence didn’t really work out.

Net Neutrality: What the rest of the world is saying about Google and Verizon’s plan to change the Internet.

Red Alert

Bearded terrorist monkeys have been found in South America!

Blogs

EZ Kool: White supremacists are Glenn Beck’s favorite.

Right Wing Watch: Will the Right give up on California and focus on taking away the rights of others in other states?

Care2: Of course a Republican came up with a plan to put illegal immigrants into camps.

Raw Story: Google denies it’s selling out Net Neutrality.

How Slinky

So now, we can all stop wondering when someone will build a better Slinky.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – Solve me with your God Number

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – August 9, 2010

Erik Akkersdijk once solved a Rubik’s Cube in 7.08 seconds. Today, that record doesn’t mean jack, thanks to God’s number.

News/Politics

A Congress Divided: The House of Representatives wonder what their Senate counterparts are waiting on.

Trial for Youngest Gitmo Detainee: And it seems like yesterday he just started talking.

Wealth Give Away: Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are getting other billionaires to donate big chunks of their estates to charity. This creates a special new job, by the way – killing billionaires. You know, for charity.

Geeking Out

Quality on Twitter: On Twitter, it’s not how many follow you, but how awesome your followers are, or something.

Fast Company: Digg, WikiLeaks, and Censorship, American Style.

Quick Movie Review

Sex and the City 2: By the end, I hated sex and the city. I hated the characters and their clothes. I hated marriage and children. And I was pro-Sharia Law. Rating: D- (On the plus side, the boom never fell into the screen).

People

Mia Farrow: Now Mia Farrow says Naomi Campbell is telling a lie of the witness stand. The Liberia case at The Hague may become the first major trial of a warlord covered by Perez Hilton.

Patricia Neal: The Oscar-winning actress dies at age 84.

Stephen Hawking: Ok, we get it, humanity is doomed.

Blogs

Alternet: Seems someone on the Right discovered Digg.

Emptywheel: Obama does little to defend progressive nominees.

Mother Jones: A conservative that wasn’t conservative enough talks Tea Party.

Frank Rich: And in rides George W. Bush to the Democrats rescue.

HolyTaco: You too can write a Black Eyed Peas song.

Cube20.org: The God Number has been found. Rubik’s Cube has been solved. Nothing much to do now but wait around to die.

And Finally

It’s Monday, but at least you aren’t her:

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – All Coked-Up Monkey Edition

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – August 6, 2010

Weekend Forecast: Partly cloudy with sporadic outbursts of Coked-up Stimulus Monkeys.

Wolfrum’s Word

Energy outages have created several work stoppages and have helped embolden an overall feeling of pre-weekend lethargy. Plus, the monkeys. Dear God, the monkeys.

News/Politics

Down with Prop. 8: A Judge rules Proposition 8 is unconstitutional. That’s the good news. The bad news – this is all far from over.

Elena Kagan Confirmed: After her confirmation by the Senate yesterday, Elena Kagan will be sworn in as the next Supreme Court Justice on Saturday.

People

Naomi Campbell: I’ve said all along that supermodels and war criminals go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Wycleaf Jean: This blog is not in the habit of endorsing candidates, and will not change that philosophy in regard to Wycleaf Jean running for President of Haiti. It’s interesting, though.

Blogs

Macleanes.ca: Did Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia give away the game on Prop. 8?

Crooks & Liars: Mike links to us and others.

Joe Klein: The Democrats are going to die. Come back next week when I tell you how they can save themselves by being more Republican.

Doctor Cleveland: Undermining Traditional Marriage (Amen!)

Bro Bible: Finally, everything you need to know about South Park.

And Remember

Coked-up Stimulus Monkeys are funny.

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – August 3, 2010

Despite early failures such as the one above, Jake Tapper has still managed to achieve lofty status in the D.C. media world.

News

BP Oil Disaster Wins!: I knew if we all worked separately, clinging to diverse agendas, we could make this happen. By the way, why didn’t Time convert the 4.9 million barrels into gallons? Who has a calculator?

Violence in Pakistan: We might be leaving a federal deficit for our children, but we’re also leaving them a war in Pakistan. More instability in a country that is both friend and foe.

People

Kanye West: The King of Turning Nothing into Something follows one dude on Twitter. Dude could live without it.

Mel Gibson: The one true sign that it’s over for Mel – Leonardo DiCaprio just dumped him.

Today’s Red Dawn Fetishist

Crazy bastard Paul Craig Roberts takes a look at a dark future. Six years from now:

“The first clans organized around local police forces. The conservatives’ war on crime during the late 20th century and the Bush/Obama war on terror during the first decade of the 21st century had resulted in the police becoming militarized and unaccountable.

As society broke down, the police became warlords. The state police broke apart, and the officers were subsumed into the local forces of their communities. The newly formed tribes expanded to encompass the relatives and friends of the police.

The dollar had collapsed as world reserve currency in 2012 when the worsening economic depression made it clear to Washington’s creditors that the federal budget deficit was too large to be financed except by the printing of money.”

Infowars is so insane, it is almost awesome.

Blogs

Crooks & Liars: The Iraq Troop withdrawal is “on schedule,” says Obama.

Paul Krugman: The economist sees a “new definition of prosperity” coming to the U.S.

Newshounds: If the media stopped reporting the dumb things she says and does, more people would like Sarah Palin.

Gay Rights: Gay couple saves life of homophobe. No word on homophobe’s current opinion of gay marriage.

Bob Cesca’s Awesome Blog! Go!: Don’t be afraid to give George H.W. Bush a bit of credit for Clinton’s budget surplus. Also, Cesca put this video up, and he thinks it’s wicked cool. That’s enough for me:

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 28, 2010

Humans – the cure for a tranquil planet.

News/Politics

Oil Spills for All!: It seems few things are more American that having oil spew out of the ground uncontrollably. It happened in the Gulf of Mexico. It happened in the Gulf of Mexico again. And it happened in Michigan.

Static Kill!: If oil companies spent as much money protecting their product as they did in creating spectacular names for how to stop it when it starts spilling, this would be a far less oily nation.

War Supplemental Passes: Another $37 billion is heading to Afghanistan, where things continue to be quite deadly.

[Read more]

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 22, 2010

Jersey Shore: And you thought the first season was wacky. (via MTV)

News/Politics

Storming the Gulf: Oil clean-up workers, BP prepare to evacuate with a storm on the horizon.

North Korea: A denouncement of U.S. sanctions by North Korea as U.S. announces joint military exercises aimed at deterring the North from any future attack.

Arizona’s Racial Profiling Law: The U.S. lawsuit against Arizona’s new “Hey, you look Mexican-ish” law gets to court today.

Shirley Sherrod: The former USDA employee who was wrongly fired has been offered a new job by the Administration. She says she’ll think about it.

Government Waste: Obama signs law to limit government waste, but it doesn’t mention Shirley Sherrod so no one cares.

Newsiness

We Need a Naked Ranch: The Naked Cowboy is suing the Naked Cowgirl for reasons based on guitar playing, nakedness.

Amerika: Will we all get a chance to say WTF? again to Franz Kafka?

Snookie!!!!!: Jersey Shore is coming back. Kafka would have loved them.

World War II Update: David Cameron says England was a “junior partner”with the U.S. in the fight against the Nazis. Americans cheer as they can now gloat about winning WWII themselves.

Blogs

Dagblog: Genghis takes a look at why the Oakland Right-Wing Terrorist was focusing on the Tides Foundation (Spoiler Alert: It rhymes with “Blenn Bleck.”

Feministing: A brand new look to go with the same attitude at the popular feminism blog.

Freakout Nation: A Tea Partier calls for the killing of Obama, Pelosi and others. The FBI takes an interest.

Crooks & Liars: RNC fails to report $7M in debt to FEC. Dear God, Michael Steele is awesome.

Mother Jones: Everyone loves Elizabeth Warren. Except the bankers. Which is why it’s doubtful she’ll be in charge of new consumer protection agency.

Dvorak: No one could have anticipated that Rupert Murdoch’s plan to charge for online content would be an abject failure.

Tweet of the Day

“While Obama dithers with Andrew Breitbart & Shirley #Sherrod non-scandal, Al Qaeda just keeps training those Jihad monkeys.”

Coming to Theaters

Top Gun: A Love Story

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 21, 2010

Don’t believe the hype – Andrew Breitbart has video of this black puppy saying terrible things about white puppies. (via Cute Overload)

Wolfrum’s Word

A while back, I had a give-and-take with Andrew Breitbart on Twitter. I had a few before he blocked me, and there really wasn’t anything to gain from them. I was mostly just probing for weaknesses. But in one exchange, Breitbart gloated about how he “Won” in the ACORN scandal. After yesterday’s Shirley Sherrod fiasco, Breitbart can enjoy another victory. Because when you’re a Republican operative who thinks the media is about winning and losing, honesty and integrity make no difference. Breitbart did his job, and one can only wonder whether the White House, corporate media and others will let him get another “win.”

News/Politics

Right-Wing Terrorism: Liberal-hating Byron Williams was planning to open fire on ACLU employees before cops stopped him.

Dead Penguins: Dead penguins are washing up on shore in Brazil. Why?

China’s Oil Spill: The Chinese just won’t be happy until they have the biggest everything. But it will take a while before they beat out the Gulf of Mexico oil disaster. And by the way, Tony Hayward isn’t going anywhere, thank you very much.
Starvation in Niger: The landlocked African nation faces a growing catastrophe.

Shirley Sherrod: After being humiliated by USDA, the woman who was fired for nothing says she’s not sure she’d take her job back if offered.

Sports

Vive le France: It keeps getting worse for France – stars Franck Ribbery and Karim Benzema have been charged with soliciting an under-age prostitute and could face up to three years in jail.

Survive This: Former Cowboys’ head coach Jimmy Johnson to appear on Survivor? That’s what they’re saying.

On this Date

1959: The Boston Red Sox finally allow a Black player to play. and to think, just 51 years later – no more racism!

Bible Verse of the Day

Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. (Proverbs 31:7)

Blogs

The Cassandra Files: Republicans have surveyed the landscape and decided that a return to the George W. Bush years is what we all really want.

Don’t Tea on Me: The Tea Party is a group of concerned Americans terrified that out-of-control spending and big … Ok, just messing you. Mostly they’re about hating the Black guy in the White House.

Pharyngula: On Strike! (damned bloggers’ unions).

Salon: Joan Walsh let’s loose on Andrew Breitbart, Tucker Carlson and the undisciplined, irresponsible right-wing noise machine.

The Awl: The secret to Luke Russert’s success? He’s the only one who doesn’t seem to know.

In Other News

A Black couple had a WHITE BABY! This reminds me of something …

–WKW

Lindsay Lohan has shootout with Police – had plans for killing spree

Lindsay Lohan, described by her mother as angry at left-wing politicians, opened fire on California Highway Patrol officers on an Oakland freeway. Officers later found plans for a possible terrorist act against the public in Lohan’s possession.

Lohan was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder for shooting at the CHP officers and Oakland police said he may face other charges.

Investigators examining the scene of the early morning gun battle believe Lohan had plans to carry out a possibly massive violent act before being stopped by CHP.

Three CHP vehicles had their windows shot out, but no officers were shot, police said. They said Lohan was armed with a rifle and a shotgun as well as the handgun and fired at least two of the weapons during the shootout.

Lohans’ mother said her daughter had been living next door and taking care of her father’s house and land. She said she had been released from prison about two hours earlier.

She said her daughter, who had been an actress and singer before her imprisonment, was angry about her unemployment and about “what’s happening to our country.”

Lohan watched the news on television and was upset by “the way Congress was railroading through all these left-wing agenda items,” her mother said.

Lohan said she kept the guns because “eventually, I think we’re going to be caught up in a revolution.”

“In a very real sense, he may have been going to a location where there were a lot of people that he was going to inflict serious bodily injury and or death,” said CHP spokesman Tim Johnson. “But fortunately, our officers intercepted him.”

“Maybe her fame will get people to notice this story,” added Johnson. “It would be pretty amazing if they just ignored it. This seems like a pretty newsworthy story.”

–WKW

William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 20, 2010

Life: Sometimes you’re the penguin, sometimes you’re the whale.

News/Politics

Unemployment Extensions: After Obama put on the pressure, it looks like Unemployment insurance will be extended for the next three months – right up until a couple of weeks before the election.

Energetic China: The U.S. drops to No. 2 behind China in the all-important “consumption of energy” category.

BP’s Oil Geyser: Ok, I really have no idea what’s going on, but they’re talking about mud again.

Kagan’s Road: Next stop on Elena Kagan’s way to the Supreme Court? Today’s vote by the Senate Judiciary Committee. Hopefully they haven’t been tipped off to the existence of a sex tape.

Tea Party Trouble: The party’s over, the Tea Partiers are fighting amongst themselves. Maybe now they’ll realize how ridiculous their arguments sound.

Video Killed the Internet Star: More people are watching videos on the Internet. To celebrate, here’s a video of Maru the cat.

Blogs

Jesus’ General: Alan Downing – he gets the gay out.

GolfBlogger: Did Tiger Woods adulterate his career away?

Ezra Klein: The Wonkbook will get you up to speed on health care in Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren & more.

Liberaland: Videotape a cop, go to jail. To celebrate, here’s a video of cops.

Koran Verse of the Day

“Do not say that those slain in the cause of God are dead. They are alive, but you are not aware of them” (2:154).

Tweet of the Day

“Dear peaceful Catholics – please stop building churches near elementary schools. Don’t make me explain why.”

–WKW

Next Page »