Tea Partiers: Feel like you’ve lost your country? I just bought you a new one in Latvia

Dear Tea Partiers,

For a long, long time now, I’ve been hearing American Patriots going on and on about how they’ve lost their country. And by “long, long time” I mean “since Barack Obama was elected President.” And by “going on and on” I mean, “freaking out about Barack Obama being elected President.” But this is neither here nor there.

What’s important is that you are unhappy. You’ve lost faith in American democracy, as one of your own, Tom Tancredo, has made perfectly clear. You talk sedition and secession as if it’s a ballgame. You feel you have lost your country and you want it back.

And we all know that’s not going to happen any time soon, as face it, there’s maybe 50,000 of you in the whole country, and your leaders are about to sell you out to the Republicans anyway.

But all is not lost, my dear Tea Partiers. There is a future for you. A future of freedom and self-determination. A place you can make a new start. A place where your dreams can come true.

I speak, of course, of Latvia.

You see, as we speak, there’s a town in Latvia that’s just sitting there. And it can be yours. All yours. The town is called Skrunda-1. It is a former top-secret military base that is now a ghost town. And yesterday, I bought it. And I bought it for you.

Here’s what the town includes:

• 5 million square feet of land
• 10 apartment buildings
• Two nightclubs
• A shopping center
• A child care center
• A sauna
• A wide variety of abandoned military buildings.

Want me to sweeten the pot even further? Here’s what Latvians look like:

As you can see, this is a town with the complexion to make all your dreams come true.

Now, yes, I know there have been reports that the town was actually sold to a Russian. But that’s just a cover. The Russian is my real-estate guy. I bought it. And I want you to live there, rent free.

So, my Tea Partying friends, run, don’t walk to the nearest International Airport, buy a one-way ticket to Latvia, and you will have the freedom and acceptance that you’ve always dreamed of. There you can grab that freedom with your ink-stained hands and live in the type of society you’ve always wanted. And trust me, the Latvian government won’t bother you a bit. You’ve already got a hell of a lot more guns than they do, after all.

It’s time for you to stop talking about founding fathers and start being founding fathers. Yes, my friends, you finally have your country back. And it’s in Latvia. Now get going. And don’t forget your guns.

Hugs,

Bill

–WKW

Guy walking past Capitol Hill accidentally filibusters all bills, blocks all Obama appointments

WASHINGTON – Timothy Johnson was taking a walk near his home in Washington, D.C., when he walked near Capitol Hill. Noticing his shoe was untied, Johnson bent to tie it. Then all hell broke loose, as his actions somehow filibustered every bill currently in Congress, as well as placed holds all of President Barack Obama’s nominations for government positions.

“That was me?” said Johnson. “Eek. I’m really sorry about that.”

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid said that Johnson’s shoe-tying action kicked in a rare congressional rule. While Reid declined to explain how one seemingly powerless pedestrian could stop the U.S. Government in its tracks, he said he was powerless to stop it.

“My hands are tied,” said Reid. “We’ll just have to wait this out.”

Reid added that Senate Democrats could offer Johnson a $40-billion contract to build air-to-air refueling tankers, in an effort to get him to release the holds and end the filibusters.

“We’re hoping that we can bribe him to stop this overt act of obstructionism,” said Reid. “But really, Timothy Johnson is holding all the cards.”

For his part, the 34-year-old Johnson – who works part-time at a local Walmart, said he was willing to negotiate.

“I really don’t know much about refueling tankers, but I’m willing to try,” said Johnson. “Do they have any special classes for that.”

The House and Senate are now currently on recess, raising funds and golfing while they wait for the situation to resolve.

“Once again, there’s nothing we can do. The government is in Timothy Johnson’s hands now,” said Reid. “He’s the one making the rules now, and we better learn to just accept that.”

–WKW

Jezus aks his fallowrs to be more stupidur

AMERICUH – Following the grand celebration of his name at the recent Tea Party Convention, Jesus Christ issued this press release:

Deer fallowrs,

Hi! Im Jezus! Thank u 4 making me so more poplar wit Amricuhns. Thatz the great?

Pleez keep making teh persons of Amricuh more stupidur all the time. Wait, i thursty. Ok. UR the best!

Saruh Paylan is good so much that she tawks and things and stiuff and im the God and she knowz it and tawkz aboot it and makez me the happiest! and iwill devyne intervenshun U!

I aks my fallowrs to stop being so eduhcated. Itz no gud for me at all! Pretzels!

So tythe alot and stop lurning things but me all tyme and thn well all b in hehvan and pray and get the ize creem!

So listn to Saruh and b a reel Americuhn and don’t studie and listn to her and smrt peeple r teh stupid and u go0d and hevuhn.

Yay!

Luvs, jezus.

–WKW

A Pardon for Jack Johnson would benefit us all

It seems the moment that Barack Obama took over the Presidency of the United States, his overall message changed. “Change We Can Believe in” morphed into “Bipartisanship: Now and Forever.” Like Bill Clinton before him, the need for Republican acceptance has become a an almost fetish for Obama, with the results thus far quite predictable – the U.S. government is now radically partisan.

Of course, there’s one thing Obama could do – today – that would briefly appease some of his most vociferous critics. That would be to pardon Jack Johnson.

Jack Johnson was the first African-American Heavyweight champion. And despite having not thrown a punch in anger in more than 70 years, and having been dead for more than 60 years, many still consider him the greatest boxer in history.

As one can imagine, being the first Black Heavyweight champion – he won the title in 1908 – led to Johnson being the most reviled figure of his time. A surge of racism ran through the blood of even the most prominent writers and politicians of the day, and a concerted effort was made to take him down. To White America, the flashy and cocky Johnson needed to be shown his place.

Unable to find a white man to beat Johnson in the ring, they used the legal system to take him down. In 1912, Johnson was first arrested for a violation of the odious Mann Act. Unable to secure a conviction, he was then again arrested in 1913 for the same offense. The offenses? “Transporting women across state lines for immoral purposes.” Johnson knew both women well. The “crimes” he committed actually took place before the Mann Act had been ratified. But the U.S. judicial system did what no white boxer could do. They beat Jack Johnson, sentencing him to a year and a day in Federal prison.

Simply put, Jack Johnson had been convicted for being an unapologetic Black man.

Johnson fled the country, eventually losing his title to Jess Willard in 1915. Johnson finally returned to the U.S. in 1920, and served his sentence in Leavenworth. It is long past time for that sentence to be stricken from his record.

Jack Johnson does not deserve to be pardoned for being a good man. He was, in fact, a bad man in many aspects, with the onus of that description being his violence and abuse of women. But this is not about Johnson’s other sins.

Jack Johnson does not deserve to be pardoned because it’s African-American History Month. That is but an intangible moment of time.

Jack Johnson does not deserve to be pardoned because Barack Obama is the first African-American to serve as President. That is ridiculousness.

Jack Johnson deserves to be pardoned because he was arrested and tormented by the U.S. government solely because he was a Black man. His story is by no means unique. But his prominence and historical importance makes his story stand out and helps us all recognize the blatant crimes committed against African-Americans by America’s judicial system. His arrest – like many so many others – was purely racially motivated.

Both the House and Senate have demanded that Johnson be pardoned. The bill is on President Obama’s desk. But he won’t sign it. Because the Justice Department said it prefers to focus its pardon resources on people “who can truly benefit” from them.

“In terms of Jack Johnson, I think the Department of Justice came back recommending — not recommending a pardon on that,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.

The resolution Congress passed to pardon Johnson said in part that it was “for the racially motivated conviction in 1913 that diminished the athletic, cultural, and historic significance of Jack Johnson and unduly tarnished his reputation … [It would] expunge a racially motivated abuse of the prosecutorial authority of the federal government from the annals of criminal justice in the United States.”

It is long past time to pardon Jack Johnson. The posthumous pardon has bi-partisan support, as Sen. John McCain and Rep. Peter King – Republicans both – are among those that have championed his cause.

But Jack Johnson should not be pardoned because it achieves some type of non-partisan unity. He should be pardoned because he was imprisoned for being a Black man. He should be pardoned because it would truly benefit us all.

–WKW

QOTD: Proudly and vainly

“As a sometimes hoaxster himself, Wolfrum would know to be dubious of any tips, distrustful of any information fed his way. If a dubious sources said X, he would print Y. And would do it proudly and vainly. That was his nature. That was his character.”

– From “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” now available at Amazon.com for $1.63. Or $138.82.

–WKW

HuffPo as HuffPorn: NSFW photos, banana-eating models & me

When I wrote that I believed that The Huffington Post was “about eight minutes away from becoming a full-on masturbation magazine,” many chided me for over-the-top hyperbole.

“HuffPo is actually becoming very tabloidized–I seldom go there now. But the author defeats his point,”wrote a commenter on Daily Kos.

Not long after I published my post on the subject, Diane Tucker – fearless soul she is – wrote her own take on the subject – “Writer William K. Wolfrum Slams HuffPo For Becoming HuffPorn.”

Where did the post end up?

Check the bottom left. The story below the NSFW photos, banana-eating models and Vanessa Hudgen nude pic stories. I must remember to thank those at HuffPo for saving me from Hyperbole charges.

–WKW

E-mails reveal Piper Palin ran Alaska in 2008

ANCHORAGE - Recently released e-mails by the Alaska State Government showed that Sarah Palin’s youngest daughter Piper, then 7, handled most of Alaska’s State business in 2008.

“If I don’t get a happy meal, heads are going to roll,” thundered Piper in an e-mail to then-Lt. Governor Sean Parnell in March. “And the toy better not be doodie!”

Nearly 3,000 pages of e-mails that Piper Palin exchanged with state officials, which were released to msnbc.com and NBC News by the state of Alaska under its public records law, draw a picture of a Palin administration where the governor’s young daughter got involved in a judicial appointment, monitored contract negotiations with public employee unions, received background checks on a corporate CEO, added his approval or disapproval to state board appointments and passed financial information marked “confidential” from her father’s oil company employer to a state attorney.

Then the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin was tabbed to be John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 Presidential Election in October. Nonetheless, the precocious child held incredible sway in the Alaska government throughout the year, notably when she made sure that her “Mommy & First Dude” didn’t have to pay taxes at a vacation lodge the family owns in the Matanuska-Susitna Borough of Alaska.

“If we pay one cent. One cent in taxes, I will poop myself,” Piper Palin wrote to the family attorney from her Yahoo e-mail account – Barracuda2@yahoo.com. “Do you hear me Poop!”

While many political observers question whether it was proper for a child to have such power in the oil-rich state, one anonymous Republican said that it was normal operating procedure.

“Few people are aware that Rudy Giuliani let Andrew run New York City for most of 1990,” said the source. “The kid was like 5, and let me tell you, the doodie flew.”

–WKW

Karl Rove to star in “The Bachelor”

59-year-old Karl Rove is out to prove to the world that nice guys finish last and that evil douchebags finish in love. Tighten your security and prepare to be politically mauled as this Republican Political Operative is ready to trash reputations and destroy lives as the Bachelor.

Known as “Turdblossom” to his friends and “Asshole” to everyone else, Karl Rove grew up in Sparks, Nevada and attended the University of Utah. He discovered his passion for destroying his political opposition early, as he started his political career in high school. As an accomplished plotter, he became part of the Republican Party at the age of 19. In his free time, he has fun torturing kittens and finding new ways to oppress minorities.

Now, if you’re thinking this guy looks familiar, you’d be right. Ever since Karl shared a magical date with The Decider, George W. Bush, millions of Conservatives have had their own low-down, disturbing fantasies about him. Basically a demon in human form with a strong reputation as a dishonest creep with the heart of Gorgon bile, fans weren’t stunned in the least when he joined the propaganda arm of the GOP, Fox News.

Requests for him to be the next Bachelor didn’t come in, at all. But he has incriminatory pictures of top executives at the network, so here we are. Karl, who believes marriage is a sacred institution, is coming off the fairytale experience of his second divorce. This divorce gave him motivation to continue his search for love on The Bachelor. Only this time, it’s his turn to call the shots.

Karl longs to find that special someone who is vapid, moronic, mentally unstable and doesn’t shave. He wants someone who he can take to parties and who doesn’t think much. He also admits that he can’t wait for his third marriage – and divorce. To make things even more exciting and to take advantage of Conservatives’ notoriously loose morals, this year many of the Bachelorettes will already be married. This promises to be one of the most exciting and horrifyingly disturbing seasons ever!

Will Karl slither off into the underbrush with one of the Bachelorettes waiting in a pile of excement? One thing we know for sure is that there will be 25 candidates and at least 24 horrifyingly defeated and besmirched losers once the 15th edition of The Bachelor takes to the air on Monday, July 4, 2010 on ABC!

–WKW

I’ve never been in the military but I know what the troops think

I have never served in the U.S. military. It was never really an option for me, as I tend to be quite cowardly and flee at the first sight of trouble. Also, I’m about as disciplined as Dennis Rodman. In fact, not only have I never served, I don’t really even know anyone currently serving. Nonetheless, I know exactly what men and women in the military are thinking.

First off, there are a lot of 18-year-old, old-fashioned, testosterone-laden men in the military who are tough guys. They’re often politically old-fashioned or conservative; they are not necessarily at the vanguard, in many cases, of accepting alternative forms of lifestyle.

Yes, these tough guys (and tough girls, I suppose) are willing to go into enemy territory, fight death-wishing terrorists and do whatever it takes to keep our nation safe. But they’re horrified of gay people. The mere sight of a gay person leads to what they call in the military (I’m assuming) “Spontaneous Pants-Pooping.” These may be brave men and women, but they are mostly conservative and mostly terrified of what someone does in their own bedroom. Trust me, I know.

Despite never having been in the military, I have a stunning deal of knowledge on the subject. After all, I love war. Thus, I’m an expert on those in uniform. Here are some facts you might not have been aware of:

• All of our troops are Christian. If they weren’t when they joined, they are now.
• Our troops risk their lives for the American people. Except for the Gay American people. They must fend for themselves.
• When our troops torture enemies (and all of them torture enemies, all the time) they call it “Happy Fun Time.” Like me, most of them orgasm just thinking about torture.
• Everyone in the military wants war, perpetually.
• Everyone in the military under the rank of Colonel has a vestigial tail.

How do I know so much about the mindset of those in the military? Because I’ve watched a lot of movies about war. And after watching them, I know that American soldiers always win. And I know that they, like I love war. But more than anything, I know they are closed-minded and despise gays and lesbians. I do, after all, so they must, as well.

--WKW

Get your masturbation on at The Huffington Post

While I understand the difficulty in making money on the Internet, I have generally tried to avoid doing baser things in order to make my Web site more profitable. Like, for instance, I haven’t made it a porn site or relied on scantily clad women to get extra hits. I have had my moments of weakness, mind you, but the most part, mine is a fairly dry site if getting wet is what you’re after.

The Huffington Post, however, is about eight minutes away from becoming a full-on masturbation magazine.

As political Web sites go, The Huffington Post has been on top of the pile for some time, having long bypassed The Drudge Report. That however, is apparently not good enough for leader Arianna Huffington, who now seeks to take HuffPo to the top of the Porn charts.

Just a look at today’s top stories tells you about all you need to know:

• The 7 Weirdest Things Women Do to Their Vaginas
• Pink’s Grammy Performance: Upside Down & Nearly Naked
• Grammys Chest Dressed: Who Wore Low-Cut Best?
• Macquarie Banker Caught With Naked Miranda Kerr Photos On…

Aside from being a place to masturbate, HuffPo also covers celebrities as if the nation were about to run out of them:

• Grammys 2010 Best-Dressed: See Who Rocked The Red Carpet…
• PHOTOS: Hayden Panettiere Shows Off Her Boyfriend
• Bachelor Vienna’s Boob Job.. Mel Gibson A**hole Fracas.. Jesus DUMPS Madonna

And, of course, there’s Huffington’s love of pseudoscience:

• PHOTO: UFO In Space Stuns Scientists

Mind you, these stories are all on the front page of the behemoth site right now. And that doesn’t count big stories on the girl who sold her virginity or a 9-year-old that gave birth, etc.

The Huffington Post rocketed to the top of the political world by featuring a wide array of voices. But nowadays, blogging is no longer their forte. Because like so many before, The Huffington Post has learned that what the American public wants is porn and nonsense. And Hufpo is delivering both in grand portions.

Update: Over at The Huffington Post, journalist Diane Tucker talks about this post and tackles this issue in the post: “Writer William K. Wolfrum Slams HuffPo For Becoming HuffPorn”

–WKW

Jesus Christ: Karl Rove’s divorce destroys the Sanctity of Marriage

TEXAS – The Sanctity of Marriage came to an end recently, as political operative and conservative Karl Rove got a divorce. Rove, former senior adviser to President George W. Bush, has been granted a divorce in Texas after 24 years of marriage.

“Karl Rove and his wife, Darby, were granted a divorce last week,” said Fox News Analyst Dana Perino.

Reached for comment, Jesus Christ Almighty said Rove’s divorce – one in a long line of divorces from prominent pro-marriage types like Newt Gingrich, John McCain, Ronald Reagan and others – ends marriage in his eyes.

“What part of ‘Until death do us part,” don’t you cretins understand!” said a pissed-off Christ. “That’s it. Over. Done. I’m not counting anyone as married any more.”

Christ’s proclamation opens the door for same-sex marriages, as now all marriages are considered equal in the eyes of the Lord, and the burning hypocrisy of same-sex marriage protesters can now no longer be ignored. The Savior’s ruling, however, will have no effect on whether gays and lesbians can serve in the military, as Rove never served in the military and bases all his opinions on it on pure conjecture.

–WKW

The name is Judd: Bagley, Gregg, others give Judd a bad name

There is a Judd problem in the U.S. these days. Whether named Bagley, Gregg or Wynonna, the name Judd has been slung through the mud, as it now carries baggage like pedophilia, pederasty, murder and more. One needs an Apple iPad to keep track of the carnage. Some recent examples:

• Judd Bagley: Conservative hero Patrick Byrne’s PR shill has long operated on the Karl Rove, Lee Atwater theory that viciously attacking your enemies is a good way to shut them up. Having been accused of being a possible pederast, a stalker and of outright threatening those that dare speak out on the disaster that is Overstock.com. From this Judd:
  

  “I don’t want to cause anybody unnecessary harm, but I’m beyond tired of the lies.

  If you choose to continue as you have been, I will write about you on AntiSocialMedia.net. In doing so, my goal is not to intimidate, but to let you own your words; under those circumstances, I think the lies will take care of themselves.

  Having said that, I’m also very much aware of the impact this could have on your reputation, especially where you live, and I feel obligated to offer you a way out.”

• Judd Gregg: After deciding not to be part of Barack Obama’s Cabinet, Gregg quickly became just about as anti-U.S. Government as Hugo Chavez and as unpopular with the ladies as Tiger Woods is popular. To drive home the point, this Judd attacked two female MSNBC reporters for having the temerity to ask if he believed in Ronald Reagan’s theory that the Department of Education must go. Some of Gregg’s work:

• Wynonna Judd: Ok, Wynonna herself seems Ok lately. But the country star sure can find trouble for the name Judd. A pedophile & Child porn lover entered her life via Scott Z. Myers, who home-schooled her two children. He been charged with distribution of child pornography. From Perez Hilton:
  

  “Myers, who is only 27, admitted in an online chatroom that he engaged in sexual activity with four boys who lived nearby and was also seen leaving his apartment with two boys when the feds showed up to execute a search warrant.”

  Of course, this Judd seems to have a thing for men with pedophilia tendencies, as just three years ago:

  

  “Wynonna Judd filed for divorce Tuesday from her estranged husband, less than a week after his arrest in Texas on sex charges involving a minor.

  Dan R. Roach, 49, was arrested Thursday in Abilene and charged with three counts of aggravated sexual battery against a child younger than 13 in Nashville, police said.”

  On the bright side, sister Ashley Judd seems to be staying out of trouble quite nicely.

• Judd Apatow: Ok, he hasn’t been involved in any crimes that we’re aware of, but he’s apparently the only human allowed to make a comedy in Hollywood. And they’ve become little more than unfunny sexist dramas. No wonder entertainment fans are more interest in Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga than watching an American-made comedy. This Judd is an anchor that’s rapidly driving American culture down the crapper.
• Charles Judd: Proving you don’t need to be a famous Judd like Wynonna, Gregg or Bagley, this Judd is a paroled sex offender that was arrested on charges of second-degree murder in the slaying of a father and son.

While all this makes a compelling case for just arresting anyone with Judd in their name, that is sadly not the type of society we live in. But, hopefully, it will give something for Judd-minded parents to think about when naming their children. Better to stick with more conventional, conservative names. Like Madonna. Or Jesus.

–WKW

QOTD: Adm. Mike Mullen on DADT

“Stand by what I said: Allowing homosexuals to serve openly is the right thing to do. Comes down to integrity.”

Adm. Mike Mullen on Twitter.

–WKW

A Letter to America from Karl Marx

Dear America,

Regarding Marxism: Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!!!

Barack Obama is not a Marxist. You people are as far away from being Marxists as Milton Friedman was.

Study some history. Read a book. Get a grip. And for the love of Engels*, shut the hell up about Marxism.

Karl

* You have no idea who Engels is, do you? Dear God, I hate you people.

–WKW

Breaking: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed breaks out of Guantanamo, defeats U.S. military, enslaves American public

NEW YORK – In a shocking development, arch-terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed broke out of Guantanamo Prison today, personally defeated the entire U.S. military, overthrew the U.S. Government and forced all Americans to abide by Sharia Law.

“We told you so,” said a crying Sean Hannity, a snot bubble coming from his nose. “Obama!!!!!!”

Details of the break out are still sketchy, but eyewitnesses are confirming that KSM used “some type of type of dark magic to turn into an undefeatable terrorist Godzilla.”

The break out and and corresponding overthrow proves that panicked U.S. politicians were correct that KSM should not have been given a trial in New York City. Previously, many believed that said politicians were just a sniveling bunch of cowards still eager to politicize terrorism.

“Thank God he was never transfered to New York,” said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “This could have been really bad.”

Before the bloody, one-man destruction of the United States, the U.S. Congress had stated that they would deny any federal funds for trying KSM in a federal court of law.

“This is really dangerous nonsense,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We have a way to do it, Interrogate them, detain them, and try them in military commissions offshore at Guantanamo from which no one has ever escaped.”

McConnell added that people like Ronald Reagan who supported giving terrorists federal trials “just don’t understand the threats America faces.”

Still, while the nation is now in complete disarray and chaos, some Conservatives have hailed the new rule of their Islamic Overlord.

“Finally, this nation has someone who will lead it in a moral, strong-fisted way,” said Muhammad Rashii-Limbaugh – formerly known as Rush Limbaugh. “Praise Allah.”

–WKW

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