‘Can’t Stop the Music’ – A Conservative masterpiece

Has it really already been 30 years? Three long decades since one of the most important Conservative moments overran this fine nation of ours?

Yes, it was 30 years ago since the stellar conservative film “Can’t Stop the Music,” with its themes of hard-work, love of country and personal responsibility hit theaters.

“Can’t Stop the Music” begins the way many an honest tale of heroic self-responsibility begins – with Steve Guttenberg roller-skating through a busy music store. Looking to follow his dreams of unique individualism, Guttenberg asks for a day off. When rebuffed by his manager, Guttenberg then extravagantly quits his job. He’s an American, and he dares to dream.

To showcase his joy at daring to dream, Guttenberg then roller-dances around the streets of New York.

Life Tip: Dare to Dream!

After the dance, Guttenberg runs in to friend Valerie Perrine. Guttenberg calls her fat, thus showcasing his natural dominance. The two head back to her place, where they meet Indian, who had broken in to watch TV.

There we learn that that Guttenberg quit his job so he could be a fill-in DJ for a night at a club. This is a remarkable achievement and showcases Guttenberg’s endless will, for he has no rhythm whatsoever. Indian, however, has rhythm to spare.

“My son, recording his very-first backyard album. Why, it’s just like Judy Garland,”- Steve Guttenberg’s Mom.

Still, Guttenberg will not be stopped. His are the dreams of the Henry Fords and Thomas Edisons. He will become a composer/DJ and nothing – not the color of his skin or utter lack of rhythm will stop him. All he asks for is a chance. And if it doesn’t work, it’s back to dental school like his father wants. Guttenberg’s a good boy.

Life Tip: Have a fall-back plan, like dentistry.

From there we go to the club where Guttenberg’s dream is beginning to become a reality. Indian works at the club, and is unfailingly polite and helpful.

At the club, we learn that Valerie Perrine was a top fashion model, but that she gave it all up to stay home and be worried like a good All-American girl. Then, everyone dances, with alpha males vying for Perrine’s attention on the dance floor. On the dance floor, Perrine meets Cowboy, who seems like just a fine fellow.

“Music is magic. I want to make that magic,”- Steve Guttenberg.

Indian dances for the benefit of the entire club. We meet Actor dazzling on the dance floor and finally suggestively cutting the rug with Perrine. Everyone continues dancing.

Still dancing.

Perrine decides Guttenberg should make a tape of his music and they should present it to a record executive. Guttenberg experiences his first pangs of fear of success. “But, but, but, it’s impossible,” says Guttenberg. Luckily, Perrine has dated most the important men in the music world, so it should be cool.

We go forward to the next day and we see Guttenberg hard at work writing music. This, people, is the key. Sure, Guttenberg could stay at home pouting, cursing his fate as a rhythm-less guy with little more than addle-brained enthusiasm. But, no. He Works to achieve his goals. Don’t let this lesson be lost on you.

Life Tip: Rhythm is overrated.

Perrine – dedicated to be a patriotic, stay-at-home woman – rebuffs her agent begging her to make a modeling comeback, intent to clean clothes and listen to Guttenberg bang on things rather than work.

Sadly, Perrine makes an incredible discovery – Guttenberg can’t sing. He’s going to need some singers!

In order to think about this dilemma, Perrine goes for an ice cream, where she meets Indian. He is upset because his feather doesn’t fit correctly. He can, however, sing, and Perrine quickly hires him.

Perrine then runs into Cowboy. He can’t sing, and Perrine quickly hires him.

Perrine meets up with Cop. He likes Judy Garland, but for strictly selfish reasons. A music video breaks out. Cop can’t sing. Not a lick. And Perrine quickly hires him.

We meet Olympic Champion and Great American Bruce Jenner. He has apparently just fled a prom. He gets mugged by an old lady, signifying just how bad the culture has gotten. In the meantime, Valerie Perrine’s agent decides the best way to get her client back to modeling is by skulking around New York looking conspicuous.

There is serious chemistry between Indian and Valerie Perrine’s friend Lulu. The two are old-fashioned, however, and neither acts on their carnal desires.

With Indian, Actor and Cowboy, Guttenberg gives his singers direction on his song. It is quickly obvious that Guttenberg has no knowledge of music whatsoever, doing little more than making spasmodic hand gestures while repeatedly changing lead singers. His lack of any actual music knowledge makes his pursuit of his dreams even more noble.

Life Tip: If you don’t know something, fake it!

Showing that she has her own weaknesses, Lulu offers Guttenberg a marijuana joint. Guttenberg – being young and easily misled by the charms of the older Lulu – succumbs to this gateway drug.

Bruce Jenner turns up at Valerie Perrine’s apartment. He lives next door to her sister and was delivering a cake to Perrine. Because that’s the kind of Patriot Bruce Jenner is. He is, however, rightly angered by the state of the world and the fact that he got mugged by an old lady.

Cop shows up. He can sing. And he’s apparently a real cop. He thinks Indian looks ridiculous.

Guttenberg and Lulu re-emerge from a room, quite stoned. Lulu says next time she\ll bring him some “Magic Mushrooms.” She won’t be happy until Guttenberg’s on the streets, destroyed from drugs and the kindnesses of older women.

Life Tip: Say no to drugs.

Showcasing his stoic, staus-quianism, Jenner openly wonders why there are people dressed like cowboys and Indians. No real answer is given and again. Guttenberg’s mom shows up and the question is never broached again.

Perrine’s agent skulks near the party. While her techniques are controversial – even, self-defeating – one must admire her go-forward capitalistic approach. Perrine is money in the bank. And her agent refuses to give up on her.

While everyone is eating, Guttenberg’s Mom – showcasing how much the elderly have to offer society – gives a rousin speech that lifts everyone’s spirit. Cop, Actor, Indian and Cowboy take their spots. And perform. It’s quite catchy. There may be hope for Guttenberg yet.

Everyone dances.

It’s finally all too much for Jenner who storms out being very judgmental about all the hard-working patriots singing and dancing at Perrine’s home.

A day passes and Perrine is coming back from shopping Guttenberg’s music to producers. They are all depraved animals, all demanding sex-for-sales. Perrine refuses. She will make it the old-fashioned way. By hitting up an old boyfriend who is in the music industry.

Life Tip: Use your contacts!

Guttenberg admits he has sworn off relationships until he’s made it in the music world. His earnestness knows no bounds.

Perrine goes to meet the Ex-Boyfriend record producer. She lets it all hang out, knowing that success is something we all have to fight for in life. Her ex-boyfriend says he changed (but really he hasn’t.)

Perrine’s act works as she gets the ex-boyfriend to commit to making a demo tape for Guttenberg, Cop, Indian, Cowboy and Actor. Like Guttenberg, however, Perrine admits she has taken a vow of chastity until her group is a hit.

“Hey, how’s the Indian?” — Bruce Jenner

As it turns out, Jenner is the ex-boyfriend’s tax lawyer. The movie is terribly ironic that way. Jenner meets Perrine as she’s leaving, and works his way out of the doghouse with her, and – in allowing them to use his office to rehearse – is the latest to join Team Guttenberg Cowboy Indian Cop Actor Perrine.

Perrine and Jenner start to hit it off. Jenner is married, but getting a divorce. So it’s cool.

Life Tip: Don’t get all flustered when someone says they’re married.

Needing two more members Team Guttenberg Cowboy Indian Cop Actor Perrine Jenner holds open tryouts in Jenners’ office. A bevy of hopefuls show up, including Buster Zawinski, who comes out dressed in a blue costume and lifts weights while singing a few verses of “Macho Man,” and then stripping. Some in the group – mostly Cowboy – feel he’s extremely talented.

“Anybody that can swallow two SnoBall’s and a Ding-Dong shouldn’t have a problem with pride,” – Steve Guttenberg.

But this is an important decision and no one can be overlooked. The success of the band demands more singers (due to Guttenberg’s complicated music making). But Jenner’s parents arrive at his office and you can see the Mommy & Daddy Issues come pouring out of him. Will Jenner be able to fight for this dream (which, mind you, is only his dream due to the need to impress Perrine).

But, as if to show how hard work and dedication is always rewarded, Jenner’s mom inadvertently comes up with the name of the band.

They are the Village People.

First, however, they must find two more singers. The first new singer is biker, who regales them all with a heart-breaking, old-fashioned version of “Danny Boy.”

Before they can get the second singer, Jenner and his father have it out with Jenner’s father telling him that he should stick to tax law. Jenner explodes with an Ayn Rand-ian flourish of fiscal responsibility: “This country is over-taxed and so am I! I quit!!”

Life Tip: Cut taxes.

Finally, the Village People are a full group – Indian, Cowboy, Cop, Actor, Biker and Soldier – Soldier never having actually been offered a spot, but hanging around because he has a uniform, apparently.

A music video about the YMCA breaks out. Young, healthy boys playing sports and dancing around shirtless. What could be more American.

The Village People arrive for the demo taping day with Perrine’s ex-boyfriend/record producer. “I hate Halloween,” says the ex-boyfriend producer.

The boys deliver a toe-tapping song called “Liberation,” and the ex-boyfriend/record producer is not impressed. “My intuition tells me not to get involved,” he says. But he makes a low offer and Perrine angrily refuses.

But Jenner and Guttenberg – like any good men – have been working overtime and have found a club for Village People to play. The press and opinion makers will be there! There will be a big profit! The Village People are going to put on a show!

But to show that she is no ordinary model, Perrine convinces her agent to do a commercial with her and the Village People. Everything is working out!

Life Tip: Life will work out.

In the guise of a milk commercial, a music video breaks out.

But the video doesn’t work. Jenner goes back to being judgmental and rightly castigates Perrine for dressing so provocatively in the commercial. Also, the Milk people didn’t like it. Not at all.

Life Tip: Don’t get risky with the milk people.

Jenner’s Mom comes through, however, as she finds the perfect place for the Village People to perform.

Now Jenner is jealous of Perrine, thinking she’d sleep with her ex-boyfriend/Record Producer to get the band a record deal. Jenner shows that sometimes being born with everything isn’t enough. Will he be able to show Perrine that he’s not a judgmental, jealous and a jerk?

After a brief interlude on a private jet, the Richie Family gets its own music video.

It finally all comes together. The team has a two-record guaranteed album. Jenner’s dad comes back groveling. Jenner proposes to Perrine. Lulu takes over as roadie. And then, finally, Indian, Cowboy, Actor, Cop, Biker and soldier take the stage.

When all is said and done, it’s easy to see why “Can’t Stop the Music” maintains its Conservative gravitas until today. It is a story of average Americans – Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine, Indian, Bruce Jenner, Actor, Cowboy, Soldier and Biker – who have dreams, follow them and achieve them. In America.

Hollywood is endlessly sending out liberally biased movies that disenfranchise the conservative movement. But just remember, 30 years ago, it all changed. “Can’t Stop the Music” is a true Conservative treasure.

–WKW

–Dedicated to Jon Swift.

What you know, what you’ll do

What you know: Hitting a shark in the nose is a way to get them to stop attacking you.

What you’ll do: Not punch a shark in the nose if it attacks you.

For God’s sake, it’s a shark. Nothing prepares you for that.

–WKW

A hockey announcing career lost in the five-hole

My radio career began like many do – I walked into my college’s radio station asking about sports announcing possibilities and they said “Sure, wanna cover tonight’s hockey game?”

Thus, like most things in my life, my career as a sports announce started quickly with me having almost no grasp of what I was actually doing.

I mean, I know hockey the way the average American sports fan knows hockey. I can keep up with what’s happening on the ice. I know who’s winning and basically why. But I don’t know the lingo for the life of me. And let me tell you, from personal experience, you need to learn the lingo before you go on the air.

Now here’s something they don’t tell you – hockey’s a really fast game. Really, really fast. And here’s something they didn’t tell me – the team the fearsome University of Alaska Anchorage team would be playing a tea, made up from guys from Vick’s Vertigo Recovery Institute.

Adding up all the factors, and you see I had fallen into a dream assignment – Announcing a really fast sport I really didn’t know that well for my first time on the radio, in which one of the teams ends up scoring 18 goals.

That’s right, the final score was 18-1. You try and make that interesting. So my first experience on the radio consisted of me desperately trying to keep up with the game while finding different ways to describe the un-holy amount of goals.

Sadly, the one bit of lingo that stuck in my mind was “the five-hole.” Thus, about 11 of those goals were made through the five goal. the Vertigian goalie had a HUGE five-hole, and I filled it up with pucks, real or perceived. And honestly, I still don’t know where the five-hole actually is.

The final indignation? The fact that the engineer cut me off for the entire third-quarter. Meaning I was announcing the game (terribly) while no one was listening and no one was recording. It was totally the right thing to do.

My radio announcing career continued and got reasonably better (I was never again asked to cover hockey, and instead covered a lot of girls’ volleyball, which is a lot more fun). For the most part, I’d say that my desire to be a sportscaster was filled, much like that poor, overburdened five-hole so many years ago on that fateful night.

–WKW

Sarah Palin’s stand-up comedy more honest than her RNC speech

In the second biggest performance of her career, Sarah Palin stunned Jay Leno and Tonight Show viewers with her wit and delivery, but more importantly, her honesty. In fact-checking her stand-up routine on the Tonight Show last night, The Chronicles have found her routine was mostly truthful.

Some selected facts we checked:

• “I will know these jokes like the front of my Hand” – True. Sarah Palin knows the front of her hand
• “Back home it was freezing.” – True. It’s cold in Alaska.
• As soon as I saw the big Moose, I realized I hadn’t cooked my kids’ dinner.” – True. Sarah Palin did not cook her kid’s dinner last night.

The performance was perhaps Palin’s most honest. For instance, her famed speech at the Republican National Convention was made up primarily of lies:

• “I told the Congress, ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ on that bridge to nowhere – False.
• “We began a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline to help lead America to energy independence.” – False
• “I suspended the state fuel tax, and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress.” – False
• “As Governor, I have a record of being a strong fiscal conservative.” – False.

Final verdict: As a politician, Sarah Palin is one hell of a comedian.

–WKW

Canada wins hockey gold! Americans go back to ignoring hockey

In an exciting game, Canada got an overtime goal from star Sidney Crosby to win the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, 3-2 over the U.S.

As a side note, more than 98 percent of all Americans surveyed said they will now not think about hockey for even a moment for at least four more years.

–WKW

Google harshing my Buzz

When Google Buzz came out, I wanted to be on the cutting edge of this fabulous new technology. I allowed them to opt me in immediately, even though I had no clue what Google Buzz is I opt-in’d too or why.

Personally, I liked the idea that the six people who read my blog would now have six different ways to find my new posts: Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Orkut, Digg & Buzz. I would now be able to much more effectively carpet-bomb them with myself.

But just five minutes after I opened Google Buzz, long-private naked videos of myself were somehow released on the Internet and everybody knows everything I’ve ever written in any e-mail to anybody. And everything ever written to me. I felt naked. Normally, I am in fact, naked – as the video attests – but now I felt like I was, as well. And it was ugly.

Basically, Google Buzz could only be more of an invasion of privacy if Michael Chertoff was getting a cut on the deal.

Now, the friendly folks at Google are getting sued. And we’re all about to get some of that Google cash.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, law firms in San Francisco and Washington, D.C. have filed a suit on behalf of Eva Hibnick. Hibnick is a Florida woman who has been chosen to represent the many Gmail users who felt, well, used, when Google launched Buzz. …

Strangely, the lawsuit reportedly asks for an assurance that Google, which says it has not yet seen the lawsuit, will not repeat its Buzzing actions in years to come and asks for unspecified, well, cash. The lawyers claim to be taking this severe action on behalf of all 31.2 million Gmail users. So they must hope for very large amounts of unspecified cash, if they are to please them all.

Google Buzz is the worst Internet experiment to come around since ArsonistsDating.com. And nowhere near as useful to society.

If Google Buzz was a movie, it’d be Avatar – all over-hyped and shiny, but more or less something that’s already been done and something that could leave you feeling nauseous.

The worst part of it all is that no one followed me back on Google Buzz. Here I was shoveling every last important personal detail on to the Internet, and no one wanted to even look. That’s the true crime of Google Buzz. It makes you feel insignificant.

In the end, I’m rooting for myself and the other 31,899,999 Google users in the brave lawsuits against the sick minds that unleashed Google Buzz on the world. Google Buzz is more oppressive than a sunny day on a UK street, and stupider than Sarah Palin discussing Kant. It is not a social media site – it’s a Mengelesque social experiment designed to humiliate us all.

I really wish kids could just go back to old-school ways of staying in touch. Like e-mail.

Samba Bill & the Road to Carnival – the complete series

Last year I was luck enough to perform during Carnival in Brazil at Rio de Janeiro’s famed Sambódromo as part of the Imperatriz Leopoldinense Samba School. Below is the five-part series I wrote about the journey.
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It’s hot in Brazil – thus proving Global Warming

BRAZIL – After temperatures soared to more than 100 degrees Fahrenheit today in both Sao Paulo and Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, a group of scientists working on a comprehensive study stated that Global Warming has now been proved, and no further testing or data is required on the subject.

“Our group went outside and felt extremely warm,” said noted climate Scientist John Timson. “This confirms all our beliefs. Global Warming is a fact.”

The scientists had gathered in the Copacabana barrio of Brazil. In order to collect data, the group spent two hours at the beach, and occasionally went into the ocean. The scientists reports states that the water was “noticeably cooler that the outside air.” Following a bite to eat at a Brazilian barbecue, the scientists stated they had enough data to advance Global Warming from a Theory to a Law.

“It was really hot out there. I mean scorching,” said Timson. “Let there be no doubt that Global Warming is now a Law. Like gravity.”

A reporter for a major American newspaper asked how they could be so sure that Global Warming was now indeed an indisputable fact, being that many parts of the U.S. are going through a cold spell with large amounts of snow. Timson scoffed at the question.

“Of course it’s cold in the U.S., you idiot,” said Timson. “It’s winter there.”

–WKW

Jezus aks his fallowrs to be more stupidur

AMERICUH – Following the grand celebration of his name at the recent Tea Party Convention, Jesus Christ issued this press release:

Deer fallowrs,

Hi! Im Jezus! Thank u 4 making me so more poplar wit Amricuhns. Thatz the great?

Pleez keep making teh persons of Amricuh more stupidur all the time. Wait, i thursty. Ok. UR the best!

Saruh Paylan is good so much that she tawks and things and stiuff and im the God and she knowz it and tawkz aboot it and makez me the happiest! and iwill devyne intervenshun U!

I aks my fallowrs to stop being so eduhcated. Itz no gud for me at all! Pretzels!

So tythe alot and stop lurning things but me all tyme and thn well all b in hehvan and pray and get the ize creem!

So listn to Saruh and b a reel Americuhn and don’t studie and listn to her and smrt peeple r teh stupid and u go0d and hevuhn.

Yay!

Luvs, jezus.

–WKW

Karl Rove to star in “The Bachelor”

59-year-old Karl Rove is out to prove to the world that nice guys finish last and that evil douchebags finish in love. Tighten your security and prepare to be politically mauled as this Republican Political Operative is ready to trash reputations and destroy lives as the Bachelor.

Known as “Turdblossom” to his friends and “Asshole” to everyone else, Karl Rove grew up in Sparks, Nevada and attended the University of Utah. He discovered his passion for destroying his political opposition early, as he started his political career in high school. As an accomplished plotter, he became part of the Republican Party at the age of 19. In his free time, he has fun torturing kittens and finding new ways to oppress minorities.

Now, if you’re thinking this guy looks familiar, you’d be right. Ever since Karl shared a magical date with The Decider, George W. Bush, millions of Conservatives have had their own low-down, disturbing fantasies about him. Basically a demon in human form with a strong reputation as a dishonest creep with the heart of Gorgon bile, fans weren’t stunned in the least when he joined the propaganda arm of the GOP, Fox News.

Requests for him to be the next Bachelor didn’t come in, at all. But he has incriminatory pictures of top executives at the network, so here we are. Karl, who believes marriage is a sacred institution, is coming off the fairytale experience of his second divorce. This divorce gave him motivation to continue his search for love on The Bachelor. Only this time, it’s his turn to call the shots.

Karl longs to find that special someone who is vapid, moronic, mentally unstable and doesn’t shave. He wants someone who he can take to parties and who doesn’t think much. He also admits that he can’t wait for his third marriage – and divorce. To make things even more exciting and to take advantage of Conservatives’ notoriously loose morals, this year many of the Bachelorettes will already be married. This promises to be one of the most exciting and horrifyingly disturbing seasons ever!

Will Karl slither off into the underbrush with one of the Bachelorettes waiting in a pile of excement? One thing we know for sure is that there will be 25 candidates and at least 24 horrifyingly defeated and besmirched losers once the 15th edition of The Bachelor takes to the air on Monday, July 4, 2010 on ABC!

–WKW

The Apple iPad: A hand-held genocide machine

While society has many ills, few threaten it as much as Apple’s release of the iPad*. This computer-esque piece of modern technology not only threatens society, but the entire planet, as well. In a world where swift communication is king, the iPad promises to take it to an new, exciting, and deadly plateau.

For the Apple iPad is more than just a modern gadget. It is a device that irreversibly changes the direction of human interest. In attempting to make communication easier, Apple has unleashed a plague upon our houses. The end result – which is literally only moments away – is unstoppable violent anarchy for all that breathe.

Because what this device does, in essence, is strip away the morality of the average person. No more shall things like pornography and angry imagery be left to PCs or laptops. No, now these things shall be in the soul possession of the individual, day and night, ad infinitum.

The overt grotesqueness of the Apple iPad cannot be overstated. Whilst citizens of the planet struggle with numerous and dangerous issues, the iPad takes it all a step further. It is a hand-held genocide machine. It is all the most horrifying dreams of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and James Dobson combined. It is all that is wrong with both conservatism and liberalism. It is the end of human evolution.

Only a narcissistic few will overlook the power of destruction that comes in tablet form. But those narcissists will fight until the death to insure that the iPad reaches its final, devastating climax of human destruction. These self-lovers will guarantee that Apple’s bloodless coup will soon have the rivers flowing with human, canine and rabbit blood.

Every so often in humankind’s history a new device comes along that changes the course of human morals. The plank, the electric chair, the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the nuclear bomb. The Apple iPod is the final and ultimate manifestation of this evil trend. May God have mercy on our souls.

–WKW

*Note: The author has never physically seen or used an Apple iPad, nor did he research it in any meaningful way. But it seems expensive and probably won’t work in Brazil, anyway.

Chris Matthews: “I forgot Prince & Paris Jackson were black”

During last night’s Grammy Awards, Michael Jackson’s children Paris and Prince Jackson accepted a Lifetime Achievement Award on behalf of their late father, in what was easily the most moving moment of the show.

“We are proud to be here to accept this award on behalf of our father, Michael Jackson,” said Prince. “First of all, we’d like to thank God for watching over us for the past seven months. And our grandmother and grandfather for their love and support. We would also like to thank the fans. Our father loved you so much because you were always there for him.”

Later in the evening on MSNBC, political and cultural commentator Chris Matthews said that for just a moment, he forgot that the two were Black.

“I was trying to think about who they were tonight … It’s interesting. They are post-racial, by all appearances … I forgot they were black tonight,” said Matthews.

While some were appalled by Matthews’ statement, others gave him a pass.

“I’m sure he just messed up,” said Grammy winner Taylor Swift. “Who’s Chris Matthews, anyway?”

–WKW

I’m Barack Obama’s 48th cousin!

When it was announced that President Barack Obama and super-hunk hottie Senator-elect Scott Brown were 10th cousins, I was as amazed as anyone. They look so different, after all. And their politics are different. It’s freaking mind-blowing stuff, if you ask me.

Nonetheless, I decided to look back at my own genealogy to see if perhaps, just perhaps, I was also related to the nation’s 44th President. Like any good genealogist, I started as far back as I could go.

I quickly learned that Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch; and he built a city, and called the name of the city after the name of his son, Enoch. To Enoch was born Irad; and Irad was the father of Me-hu’ja-el, and Me-hu’ja-el the father of Me-thu’sha-el, and Me-thu’sha-el the father of Lamech. And Lamech took two wives; the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. Adah bore Jabal; he was the father of those who dwell in tents and have cattle. His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all those who play the lyre and pipe.

And so on.

Mind you, this turned out to be a fairly long and arduous task. Nonetheless, my search eventually led to the New England Historic Genealogical Society. There, I learned that Obama’s great-great-great-Grandmother and my great-great-great grandmothermother, both descended from Sven K. Hussein Obama Wolfrum. He died in the year 4, somewhere in Sweden.

Thus, by my calculations, I am Barack Obama’s 48th cousin, 11 times removed.

Sure, some may look at this as a cheap ploy by myself to profit off of cousin Barry. To them, I say nothing could be further from the truth. What matters here is the vitally newsworthy importance of our family bond. Barack Obama and I share something special – the sperm of a guy who died in Year 4.

But Bill, you say, how could you be related to Barack Obama? He’s a tall, educated man of means, and you’re a short, sort of simple guy who posts pictures of his dogs at his blog and considers it high art. There’s no way. To you, I say this – if my dear cousin Barry could be related to Dick Cheney, Scott Brown and other white people, he is most certainly related to me, at least at some stage of humankind’s history. So deal with it and stop being such a hater.

Barack Obama is my cousin and I demand that the mainstream media cover this genealogical miracle with the full force of all their political divisions. This matters. This is pertinent information that affects not just me, not just cousin Barry, but all of us. After all, didn’t the media and the NEHGS cover the previous 43 white Presidents and their hyper-distant cousins?

Now is the time for the media to get ankle-deep into this bizarrely amazing and unlikely story. Why should we even have a media if they don’t cover this? And to my cuz, Barry, I hope to see you at my place for Christmas this year, so we can catch up, talk family, and maybe, just maybe, take some pictures of my dogs so I can post them on my blog.

–WKW

Blogger laments upcoming loss of Patrick Byrne

BRAZIL – Blogger William K. Wolfrum stared off into the distance, desperately trying to come up with an idea worth writing about. Looking forlorn, he finally gave up the chase and went to bed. It was 3 p.m.

“There’s nothing, just nothing,” said Wolfrum. “Not anymore.”

The reason behind Wolfrum’s malaise was simple – soon, he’d no longer have Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne to write about. And after spending the majority of the past two years writing about him, he was deflated, if not defeated.

Wolfrum – a self-described satirist known for posting pictures of his dogs and writing silly little things about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – called Byrne a “Once-in-a-Generation” topic.

“Someone like Byrne doesn’t come along too often,” said an unshaven, unkempt Wolfrum. “Sith Lords, the Russian Mob, Diamond heists, naked short selling, stalking, bizarre and libelous attacks on business journalists, karate, pretending he’s actually a journalist, etc. You can’t invent someone like Byrne.”

While Overstock.com continues its day-to-day operations, and could possibly survive in a healthier non-Byrne atmosphere, Wolfrum said the CEO is in the final stages of complete collapse. He pointed to SEC investigations, a possible tax evasion charge and the company’s loss of David K. Chidester as CFO, as signs that the Byrne charade was nearing its end.

“Chidester either jumped ship or was pushed,” said Wolfrum. “He left about three seconds after Roddy Boyd published a damning article about Byrne. But thus far, no one has really reported on it.”

While Wolfrum admitted that Byrne was now, for all intents and purposes, completely impotent and only of interest to bloggers like him who liked making silly little jokes about him, there was at least one person in the Overstock.com crew who would likely keep going strong – PR Guy and “possible pederast” Judd Bagley.

“Bagley’s a PR shill so he’ll be fine, he’s like a less-likable and less intellectually honest Karl Rove,” said Wolfrum. “With the 2010 elections coming up, I’m confident he’s far too nasty and soul-less to stay unemployed long once Byrne is done.”

Still, Wolfrum said that people should expect to see Byrne in the public eye for a while. He pointed to Byrne’s repeated appearances on Fox News, where friendly Fox News anchors would never even bother bringing up the fact that Byrne was under investigation by the SEC. Nonetheless, Wolfrum admitted the thrill was gone.

“Don’t get me wrong, Byrne’s committed to his clown act and getting attention,” said Wolfrum. “And right now, the guy can’t open his mouth without giving up Insider Information.

“So he’ll be around – at least for now and then after he gets out of jail,” added Wolfrum. “But all that’s left now is the crying, for all parties. What can I say, I’ll miss him. Patrick Byrne is a douchebag for the ages.”

–WKW

I Tweet, therefore I am

Give me 140 characters and I’ll give you … stuff. Here are some recent Tweets from yours truly:

• Reduce the Deficit Plan #2,329: Institute a Federal “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” program.
• Breaking: 100% of people who watch only Fox News say Fox News is most trusted name in news.
• Everyone bitches about 10% unemployment, but who applauds the fact that 90% ARE employed. And that ain’t bad.
• Breaking: Dictionaries around the U.S. banned because you can use words inside to create really nasty sentences.
• Breaking: Feeling bad about hoax regarding his death, actor Johnny Depp shoots self.
• Breaking: Deepak Chopra tells everyone to fuck off, he’s having a bad day.
• I miss the Bush years when I used to get a check for $300 every 6-7 years.
• I wonder what Obama thinks about Gary Coleman’s arrest? Luckily for me, Jake Tapper will probably ask him.
• Breaking: Johnny Depp not dead. It was Chemical Ali. Honest mistake.

More Wolfrum witticisms can be found on Twitter: @wolfrum

–WKW

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