William K. Wolfrum

This week at the Masters golf tournament there will be more millionaire Christians congregated together than one could shake a stick at, should stick shaking be an action you prefer for this type of thing.

Yes, Augusta, Georgia is just bursting at its peach-stained borders as it prepares for the Masters, as old money meets with new money that meets with “Hey, how the hell did you get money?” at extravagant Masters-flavored galas throughout the land.

But the fact is this: Christians are in immortal peril. We must save them. You see, as I was strolling through Kevin 4:12 (there was a Kevin, right?) I came to a part that states that every Christian should give away all their money and preach about Jesus, or go to Hell. Or something like that. It was pretty explicit, though.

Now, while I pick and choose which parts of the Bible I take seriously (you know, like all other Christians), I have decided to take this particular sin Extremely Seriously.

And being a golf blogger, it was easy to find a whole flock of sinners this week - in Augusta. You can almost feel the Christianity in the air at Augusta National, though I suspect that would be true in most of the South. This is not a bad thing, mind you. I would have to guess that the vast majority of Georgia Christians are true peaches. They tithe, they give, they are generally pleasant to be around. But like me, they are sinners headed for hell. Unlike me, they care.

So I have decided that a two-prong plan is necessary. The first part is that every good Christian in Augusta (including PGA Tour players) must give away all their earthly goods. The second part is they need to give it all away to me.

Now, I can see that the latter part of this plan raises eyebrows, but its necessity is two fold. First, it’s all about verification. You send me everything; I mark you down as not violating that sin. And I’ll make a Powerpoint Presentation out of it that will really dazzle.

Secondly, you’ll be enriching me. As a non-believer, I will be punished even extra for living such a luxurious life, and I will be promoting the Christian cause. Do you see the beauty in that? I will not mock your faith and only speak highly of it. Because, seriously, I’ll freakin’ love Christians.

Also, for me - a Hell-bound soul - this is sort of a “Pay My Way Through Hell” deal. At very least, I can spend my mortal days in the manner I so clearly deserve. And when it’s all over, you can laugh at me from above as I get eternally tortured, and kick myself for being so shortsighted.

But it’s cool because I don’t believe in that. But you do.

Because religion matters. And you either follow the rules or you don’t. God just isn’t going to cut anyone any slack and this isn’t something a deathbed confession will fix. This is a big sin we’re talking about here. I want to help as many of you as I can. Let me save you as I damn myself. Just put on some old clothes and hiking boots and start wandering the land telling people about Jesus. And then have your accountant give away all your possessions. To me.

–WKW

If you were a scientist - a real, dedicated scientist - could you think of anything more fulfilling than spending your days examining Tiger Woods sweat? Well, Scientists at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute do just that. See for yourself:

For more on the hard work done by these scientists on a golfer’s bodily fluids, click here to see my WorldGolf.com blog on the subject.

–WKW

“I see,” said the troll thoughtlessly, and then slowly stumbled across the room.

“But how many posts do you have for me to comment on,” the Troll asked.

“Enough for a troll, I think,” said the Boy.

“Then let’s begin, dickwad,” said the troll, turning on the light.

“But I thought trolls didn’t like the light,” said the Boy, who wanted to say more but halted, he knew trolls were prone to hurl out insults at anyone for no reason other than to get attention. It was something in their blood. They had no control over it. But he had responded to the Troll and now here they were.

“Oh my God,” said the boy as the harsh yellow light flooded the room, exposing the troll for the first time. His skin was white and damaged like bleached bone. But it was the troll’s eyes which most caught the Boy’s attention. They were lifeless and dark, as if all hope and knowledge had been drained from them.

“You haven’t always been a troll, have you?” asked the boy.

(more…)

What’s your sign? Find out at Church Sign Generator.

–WKW

As a professional journalist of some note, I keep an eye on things like general news items of the days, and definitions of the Signs of the Apocalypse. You know, to see if anything matches up. Then I’d have a scoop.

Today, that scoop arrived.

“Cook’s 7-hour set breaks comedy record”

LOS ANGELES - Dane Cook has broken a Laugh Factory endurance record set less than a month ago by Dave Chappelle.

In what is becoming a heated battle between the two comedians, Cook told jokes at the Sunset Strip comedy club for 7 hours, beating the record Chappelle, 34, set at 6 hours and 12 minutes in December.

Cook went on stage Tuesday and continued until nearly 7 a.m. Wednesday, and at one point even sent out for food to keep the audience fed and happy.

Just by itself, this one act by Dane Cook has likely accomplished six of the seven signs. And you just had to know that the number “Seven” has all sorts of Christian, VooDoo and other powers. It’s like the super number of shit hitting the fan.

We are way overdue, folks. Religious or not, the fact that Dane Cook even exists is very, very troubling. That he has a successful career means something’s got to give. Face it, we’re boned.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

SHAKESVILLE — Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani, has threatened to blow up the New York Stock Exchange is he is not elected as the GOP nominee for the November election.

Giuliani, appearing tired ad sweaty and at outing in New Hampshire, Giuliani said he had the weapons in place to take down the revered financial institution.

“That’s what you do when you’re in charge of a place,” said Giuliani. “You make sure all your bases are covered.”

Giuliani said he’d never blow up the Stock Exchange if he loses the nomination, and that he wanted to use this as a message to Americans to see how easily terrorism can strike.

“I was there at 9/11. I saw the horror. And now I’ve got my finger on the button to blow up the New York Stock Exchange. What we’re showing here is that America is never safe, from anyone. Only by going this far can I show you dangerous the world is,” Giuliani said.

“So get me into office and this doesn’t have to happen. It was a grave day on 9/11. This doesn’t have to be another 9/11/. Or any other month. Like August.”

Reaction has been slow to come in, but fellow Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee said he “felt saddened” by Giuliani’s choice to use weapons of mass destruction, but that he understood Giuliani’s options in a sense, and felt he needed to “relook his stance on abortion.”

Fox News commentator Sean Hannity said that once again, Giuliani is showing his leadership.

“So you see any other candidates out there threatening to blow up vital financial institutions? No,” said Hannity. “Once again, Giuliani has proven to be a leader, and if we just get behind him on this plan, tragedy is averted. It’s really that simple.”

Wall Street insiders say the threat should make no impact on the stock market, where big threats are widely ignored or joked about.

Giuliani’s camp said that he has no interesting frightening anyone, but that The Mayor felt that people had “lost their edge” when it came to terrorism, and it would take an act - from a trusted national treasure like himself - to get the nation to see that terrorism is everywhere, and he’d be the President to fight it.

“How far will I go to save the country from terrorism?” asked Giuliani. “Far enough to commit an act of terrorism against it. That’s how far I’ll go.”

More as it develops …

–WKW

It seems the people have spoken - exactly what the government wants them to say. The word “surge” has made the list in the Lake Superior State University’s annual List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.

Romance writers everywhere are in dismay. They will soon be forced to find another way to write “she felt a surge through her loins.” Such seemingly insignificant things, well, they can affect many.

Waterboarding also made the list, as the U.S. now is a nation that is so comfortable with torture that they even put torture-specific words into their colloquialisms. Government officials said they would be willing to call it “Splishy-Splashy Fun Time” if that made people feel better.

“Surge makes the banned-word list”

DETROIT - Resist the urge to say you will “wordsmith” your list of New Year’s resolutions rather than write one. And don’t utter, “It is what it is” when you fail to meet your first goal.

Those are two of the 19 words or phrases that appear in Lake Superior State University’s annual List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness. The school in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula released its 33rd list Monday, selecting from about 2,000 nominations.

Among this year’s picks are “surge,” the term for the troop buildup in Iraq. “Give me the old days, when it referenced storms and electrical power,” Michael Raczko of Swanton, Ohio, said in nominating the word.

The list also included “waterboarding,” “perfect storm,” “under the bus” and “organic.” Also: “It is what it is,” which Jeffrey Skrenes of St. Paul, Minn., said “accomplishes the dual feat of adding nothing to the conversation while also being phonetically and thematically redundant.”

Organic? Are you kidding me? That was on the list six years ago. Didn’t George Carlin do a bit on “organic” about 17 years back? I’m sorry, I think they just wanted to throw something liberal sounding out there.

Aside from that, let’s surge ahead and give some predictions for next year’s list:

“Why do they have to stay in the White House until January?”

“John Edward’s hair” (In any context)

“Hillary came off as shrewish”

“Bling”

“You’ve been Obamarized!”

“Whatever happened to Fred Thompson?”

“Mike Huckabee. Jesus.” or “Jesus, Mike Huckabee.”

“Oh my God, did you hear what Giuliani (did/said/ordered/etc.)”

“No, seriously, Ron Paul doesn’t have a racist bone in his body.”

“Impeachment.” (Well, at least some people will get sick of it.)

Feel free to add your own.

–WKW