April 15, 2013
Over in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has spent the better part of the month threatening to vaporize South Korea, the United States, and anyone else who wants a little vaporization. Now, generally, when a leader of a nation with nuclear capabilities makes wild, outlandish threats, the rest of the world pays attention, for reasons of vaporization avoidance.
For the 30-year-old Jong-Un, however, the threats have mostly been ignored or outright ridiculed. Basically, Jong-Un could have gotten more notice from the world had he made his threats from Guantanamo Bay. Justin Bieber being ignorant of Anne Frank caused more international waves than North Korea threatening to blow up everything.
And the simple fact is that the world’s response to Jong-Un’s temper tantrum has been spot on. The young dictator is doing what his dad did – rattle sabers, try to look strong, and hopefully get something out of it. North Korea poses absolutely no threat to the United States, and very little to South Korea, even. This is not to say an out-of-control North Korea couldn’t cause damage, but the fact is that even a 30-year-old dictator learns something quickly – you can’t be dictator if your country is blow to bits.
When it comes to nuclear weapons, any threat should be taken seriously. Except for this one. An all-out nuclear attack by North Korea would likely result in North Korea nuking the hell out of North Korea. But even that won’t happen. So let Jong-Un talk. Hopefully, he’ll have said all he has to say before Kim Kardashian has her baby and we can all pay attention to the important things.
William K. Wolfrum forms exploratory committee to look into possibility of doing something this year
January 8, 2013
BRAZIL – Coming off a year that saw him accomplish just about nothing, renowned blogger, satirist and all-around cool dude William K. Wolfrum has announced that he has formed an exploratory committee that will look into the possibility of Wolfrum doing something in 2013.
“I recognize that 2012 was not a banner year or me, despite my numerous successes,” said Wolfrum, who was unable to name any actual successes. “So I am listening to the people and have formed a committee to look into my output this year.”
Wolfrum spent the majority of 2012 writing fart jokes on Twitter, playing NBA 2K13 on Wii, and petting dogs. Wolfrum, who will turn 46 in six weeks, is in desperate need of a turn around, say many experts.
“That kid needs to turn this thing around,” said friend and benefactor George Soros. “Communism doesn’t create itself.”
Wolfrum said he will not announce any of his upcoming plans until the exploratory committee finishes its report, which is due in April 2014.
“So you guys just sit back and I’ll get back to you,” said Wolfrum. “In the meantime, please feel free to follow me on Twitter.”
January 8, 2013
November 6, 2012
Four years ago, I risked my life by spending all of Election Day live-blogging Fox News coverage. Never again, I said. But over the months, I have realized the 2012 race between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is the most important of our lifetimes. The most important in American history. I realized I HAD to do it one more time. So I again risk my mental health. For you.
Also, some woman e-mailed me and said she hoped I’d do it again and my wife demanded I do it again. Hey, she’s the one who has to live with me.
So, welcome to the Fox News Election Day Live-Blog 2012.
October 17, 2012
Glenn Beck is now selling blue jeans for $129.99 a pair. Judging by this homoerotic commercial – concluding with a rocket bursting from the ground – his 1791 Blue Jeans may not be exactly what the founding fathers were thinking of when they thought about pants.
September 14, 2012
Just a few more candidates running for office down here in Brazil. Here’s hoping Walt Disney and “Bio” Clinton keep us safe.
HT Kibe Loco
September 5, 2012
Yes, Bin Laden is alive and well in Brazil, where he’s running for office in the mid-term elections. His political aims? Apparently disillusioned by Jihad following his Pakistan bullet adventure, he is running to rid the nation of corruption and child labor. It’s a big move for Osama, who once made a living in Brazil in the bug extermination business.
Brazilians aren’t at all fearful of Bin Laden, and for good reason. They have Batman and Robin to protect them.
June 26, 2012
While many dogs have turned against Presidential nominee Mitt Romney for strapping his dog to the roof of the car during a road trip, there is a new breed of dog out there that will support Romney until the bitter end:
June 22, 2012
Keep attacking yourself until you eventually win.
May 17, 2012
According to percentages, most Americans will not only not be rich, but will in fact go through their lives without even knowing anyone really rich. This explains why Mitt Romney can be a perplexing individual for average Americans to understand. You’d be thrilled if you found $250. He’s worth $250 million. There’s just no way to relate.
Luckily for Americans, we have all been exposed to literally hundreds of millionaires and billionaires via television and movies. While this may seem an odd way to learn about a candidate for President, the fact remains that most Americans are informed about this planet via fiction.
Thus, here are the Top-10 most intriguing and interesting TV and Movie Rich people, as well as the qualities they share with Willard Mitt Romney?
A billionaire playboy, Wayne saw his parents get murdered when he was just a child. Inheriting his wealth, Wayne decided to become the world’s greatest crime fighter. Incredibly intelligent and handsome, Wayne has amazing courage. Despite never being able to adequately explain what the deal was with Robin, Wayne manages to have a strong public image and is well-regarded among all social classes. Also, he’s freaking Batman.
Romney Qualities: None. Not even a little bit.
Thurston Howell, III
Howell was only referenced as “The Millionaire” in the opening of the credits of the show, which was back in the days when “millionaire” was a pretty impressive thing. His elitism was unstoppable, to the point that he and his wife packed a ridiculous amount of clothing for what was supposed to be just a three-hour tour. Even on an island where money meant nothing, Howell lived life as he always had – as a superior being who was at the top of the social class. The rest of the castaways – apparently conditioned to treat the rich as their superiors – treat him as though his being rich in the real world matters. Howell once owned Denver. One of the bigger mysteries of the whole show was what he and his wife were doing on a crappy tour boat surrounded by plebes.
Romney Qualities: While far nicer and more likable than Romney, both share a complete lack of awareness to the world in general. Also, both graduated from Harvard.
“Greed is good,” said Gekko in 1987 and the phrase immediately became the motto for the United States. For some reason, being a super-rich creep who screwed anyone to make more money became the model for true Americans. Because Gekko was super creepy. From dating models to owning ridiculous boats to just being a self-loving douchebag, Gekko was everything a human really wouldn’t want to be. Self-absorbed with a complete lack of empathy, Gekko was a waste of an incredible mind. Forget Ronald Reagan, Gordon Gekko is the father of modern conservatism.
Romney Qualities: Stir in some Mormonism and remove some intelligence and they’re roughly the same person.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Easily the most constipated man in the history of entertainment, Potter could only be more evil if he snacked on baby while destroying the dreams of average, hard-working types. Potter has two goals in life – Make all the money in the world and own the Bailey family’s crappy Building & Loan operation. He travels in a wheelchair only because hovercrafts had yet to be invented. He will gladly cheat to gain financial advantages. Just a really big asshole.
Romney Qualities: They may as well be the same person.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Worth more than $2.4 billion, Salander had an abusive childhood and bears the mental scars. Like Romney, she is hard to peg, but while Romney is a blank slate, she is a cornucopia of complexity. She is a pierced, tattoo’d, bisexual computer hacking genius that uses her power and resources for good. Don’t cross her. Like a modern-day, hyper-cool chick Batman, she will get her justice.
Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney has a tattoo of Milton Friedman on his ass.
Silence of the Lambs
Despite spending a good chunk of his adult life in prison, Lecter was obviously a shrewd investor and manipulator of markets. How rich was he? Who knows? But the guy lived large. A one-time psychiatrist, Lecter has a taste for the finer things in life, including human flesh. An incredibly intelligent man, Lecter manages to be charming despite the fact he’s one of the most heinous killers ever put to film. Remember this dirty little secret? In the book version, he and agent Clarice Starling become lovers and live together in Argentina.
Romney Qualities: Romney once ate a census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. I shit you not.
Like many on this list and Romney himself, Stark had to step out of his father’s shadow. Once a carefree billionaire making weapons to destroy America’s enemies real and perceived, Stark found the light, invented an awesome suit, and became one of the world’s great crime fighters. A true genius, Stark is equally adept at charming ladies as he is inventing things that have no business being invented.
Romney Qualities: If Romney had access to the Iron Man suit, this planet would be a charred ember right about now.
In keeping with their modern tradition of making everyone annoyingly lovable, Disney has tamed McDuck over the years, making him more of a good all-around person. But the fact is, at the height of his powers, McDuck had more money than anyone on the planet and was a miserly jerk. McDuck once used hired thgugs to destroy an African village in order to reap its rubber. He owned a private zoo that included the world’s last unicorn. He was a ruthless, money-making machine. Also, he was a duck.
Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney is not a duck.
The owner of MomCorp, Mom is the richest person in the future, by far. Weilding un-Godly power, Mom makes it her business to get into everyone`s business in order to profit and to torment her former lover Professor Herbert Farnsworth. Commits almost constant acts of abuse on her adult children, and very possibly straps them to the roof of her car during long trips. Tries to maintain a solid public image despite only caring about herself. Her hair hasn’t moved in centuries.
Romney Qualities: These two share so much in common, it has been speculated that Romney has probably also had a stormy affair with Farnsworth.
The son of a wealthy man, Webb leads a free-spirited hedonistic life spent mostly at a country club his father co-founded. A genius golfer who doesn’t bother keeping score, Webb shows an ease around non-club members that belies his wealth. he takes young caddie Danny under his wing, helping the young golf phenom reach new heights. He even takes time to talk with greenskeeper Carl Spackler, even though Spackler is obviously insane and possibly even dangerous. Webb openly detests the rich people that frequent the country club, and is generally disinterested in his own wealth, leaving large uncashed checks laying around his apartment.
Romney Qualities: Ok, these two share nothing in common aside from the fact that reportedly in real life, both Chevy Chase and Mitt Romney are notable dicks.
April 15, 2012
March 21, 2012
They talk tough and all, but …
March 7, 2012
February 27, 2012
February 22, 2012
My little boys. They grow up so quickly.