Barry Bonds: carrying the world on his shoulders for more than 40 years

March 31, 2006

It really is comical to watch an athlete, and the sycophants get so detached from reality they become actual cartoon characters. Such has always been the case with Barry Bonds, who now has his agent peddling his delusions.

From, in a story on whether Bonds will play while Major League Baseball investigates his steroid-taking ass.

“It would be hard to believe that the MLB investigation headed by George Mitchell isn’t gnawing at Bonds off the field. But why, Borris asked, would anyone think it would bother him on the field?

‘He’s always had the weight of the world on his shoulders,’ Borris said. “But when he steps on the field, he’s got tunnel vision.’ ”

The world on his shoulders, eh? Well, that explains the need for the ‘roids.


Deconstructing science, or, no, you may not stick that in my penis

March 20, 2006

There’s much I don’t understand about science. In fact, it may be safe to say I understand nothing of it. But I know what I don’t like.

So when I noticed that my urination stream had lost, say, 15 percent of its strength, I went to the doctor in order for him to throw some science at the problem and make it all better. Doctors went to school exactly for these types of things.

The doctor prescribed some tests, which seemed like a good idea at first. Tests are a fantastic way of, you know, testing for stuff.

When I found out what the test entailed, well, that’s when I gave up on science on all levels. What they are planning on doing is this: Putting two small nozzles into my penis.

Then, using those nozzles, they will fill up my bladder with some type of solution. Then, they will use some type of device shoved firmly up my ass to chronicle how exactly my bladder works.

You have no idea how many times I’ve said “Fuck that!” in the past few weeks.

I actually tried to have the test, but once they started with the pushing of nozzles up my penis? Well, that was it for me. My wife opined that perhaps my penis had suffered some trauma or molestation as a child, and it was preventing me from taking the test. Actually, all I want to do is to avoid trauma and molestation to my penis and anus. To me, this doesn’t seem too radical a concept.

So who knows what will happen, aside from me not taking this test. It’s just not going to happen. We will figure out another way to find out why my bladder is slightly thicker than it should be. They’ve tested for cancer, and prostate troubles and everything and I’m clean. They seem to think there may be a tiny blockage in there.

And there it will likely remain, until science can figure out a way to find out what’s wrong with my bladder without inserting anything into my dick.


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