2012 and the Mayans - Apocalypse Now, please

November 11, 2009 by  

With the film “2012″ opening soon, many of the world’s great thinkers have accepted the movie’s premise as fact. The world as we know it will come to a grinding halt in the year 2012, they believe, because the Mayans said so.

Such logic is impossible to refute. When ancient civilizations predict something, it generally happens. The history of the planet has been foretold long ago by civilizations that - while blessed with incredible foresight and predictive powers - were unfortunately unable to see their own demise staring them in the face. Thus, the end of the world is a virtual certainty.

While this is considered a radical and “moronic” opinion in some circles, history has shown us that if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s ancient societies correctly predicting future events:

  • The Hittites foretold of a U.S. President named “Baraq Kissinger Obawma” who would create or save nearly 734 million jobs but receive little credit for it due to being President at the time of the apocalypse.
  • Philosophers of the Lost Island of Atlantis accurately predicted the invention of scuba gear, though were off base in their predictions that humans would grow gills. Many researchers have claimed the Atlanteans were guilty of what scientists have called “Wishful Thinking.”
  • In ancient Greece, the famed philosopher Socrates reportedly predicted a future where “Ignorance and mediocrity will hold sway,” an obvious reference to Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagger movement.
  • In South America, the Incas predicted the arrival of a young man that would glamor millions despite having no discernible talent aside from “creepy mouth gestures” - clearly referring to “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson’s overly entitled smug poutiness.
  • The Vikings - known more for their warrior spirit - made perhaps the most accurate prediction of all, when archeologists recently discovered scrolls that stated “Whomever shall thrust Jon & Kate Gosselin upon a society shalt be disemboweled with a rusty spoon.”

  • That the world is soon to end is no reason for panic, mind you. The Apocalypse will bring with it a plethora of positives.

    Global problems like the economic crisis, swine flu, climate change, disrespectful teenagers, Glenn Beck and erectile function will all vanish immediately into the void of space. The New York Yankees will never win another World Series. No one with the last name “Bush” will ever again be in a position of power. Your herpes will cease being a social issue. The U.S. can declare victory in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran (Nostradomus predicted the U.S. would put Iran on a steady diet of tactical nuclear weapons starting in 2011).

    So remember, the end of the world isn’t the end of the world or anything. It’s just one of those things. And there is the possibility that the Mayan prediction has been misinterpreted and humanity still has another 5,000 years or so left. But given the situation with the world today, we’d probably all be better off if it happens in 2012, if not sooner. So keep your fingers crossed, it’s really all for the best.



    10 Responses to “2012 and the Mayans - Apocalypse Now, please”

    1. dgun on November 11th, 2009 8:05 am

      I once witnessed several Mayans dressed in traditional Mayan clothing and tethered upside down to a pole with ribbons, suspended 50 feet or more off the ground, swing around and around each other weaving the ribbons in some kind of bizarre and dangerous version of a maypole dance.

      And you have to respect that. The wheel? Small yams in comparison.

    2. RS Janes on November 11th, 2009 11:31 am

      Since it’s recently come to light that the feared Biblical mark-of-the-beast ’666′ was misinterpreted and the actual Satanic number is ’616,’ it’s not a stretch to think that someone may have bumbled the translation of the Mayan calendar, as well. Perhaps instead of ‘world ends in 2012′ it merely read ‘coupon expires in 2012.’ (Actually, 2012 is just the end of the Mayan calendar, but it doesn’t mean they couldn’t start another one, if they hadn’t encountered that unpredicted date with extinction.)

      I’m reminded of Jimmy Carter making a speech in Poland while president. The English-to-Polish translator, we assume without humor, mistranslated Carter’s mention that he loved the Polish people into Jimmy saying he would like to have mad, passionate sex with a roomful of Poles. That is, a roomful of Poles thought that’s what Carter said, not that Carter wanted to copulate with a roomful of poles, (as far as I know). Personally, I thought the story was funny, but Beltway Insiders, who have poles permanently inserted in themselves by proctologists, were in full umbrage that Jimmy had ‘once again’ besmirched the dignity of the United States and the Military-Industrial Complex for which it Maurice Stans. Now, if the president can’t get a decent translator, just imagine what kind of blubberheads turn up to translate ancient Mayan.

    3. William K. Wolfrum on November 11th, 2009 1:07 pm

      Jimmy Carter lusted in his heart after a room full of Croats. Poles were never in the equation.

    4. hugh.c.mcbride on November 11th, 2009 1:11 pm

      Poles were never in the equation.

      IMHO, this has the potential to be one of the all-time great political punch lines. Now, of course, all we need is the joke.

    5. William K. Wolfrum on November 11th, 2009 1:22 pm

      Now, of course, all we need is the joke.

      That’s never stopped us around here before.

    6. RS Janes on November 12th, 2009 4:43 am

      I didn’t check the Google, WKW, instead relying on my fuzzy memory — you mean it was Croat clusters that Jimmy wanted to accost with his man-gland?

    7. Michael on November 12th, 2009 1:41 pm

      Yeah, so every notable Mayan scholar has said the same thing about this: the reason the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 is because they got tired of writing, and figured that was far enough into the future that they wouldn’t have to deal with expanding it for several centuries. It was never intended to imply an end to the world.

      Just like the ocean doesn’t fall off the giant turtle’s back simply because you can’t see past the horizon.

    8. RS Janes on November 12th, 2009 4:04 pm

      Checked (no, I won’t write ‘Czeched’) the Google — Carter was mistranslated during a speech in Poland in 1977 as saying: “I desire the Poles carnally.” Just glad my memory isn’t that rusty.

    9. Rush Limbaugh: Oil Spill Caused By ‘Radical Mayans’ (Satire) « Alan Colmes' Liberaland on May 3rd, 2010 6:13 am

      [...] perspective of this. Now, lest we forget, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayans long ago prophesied that the world would end in 2012. I remember [...]

    10. Rush Limbaugh: Oil Spill Caused By ‘Radical Mayans’ « Media « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on May 5th, 2010 11:31 am

      [...] perspective of this. Now, lest we forget, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayans long ago prophesied that the world would end in 2012. I remember [...]

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