Earth 2.0: Invade now and the Keplerian-22bers will greet us as liberators

December 6, 2011 by  

Artist rendering of Kepler-22b

My friends, we are living in perilous times. With the discovery of Planet Kepler-22b, we Americans are threatened in a way like never before.

Yes, Planet Kepler-22b, or “Earth 2.0″ as the unserious are calling it, is an Earth-like planet that could contain life. Life that would annihilate us for our freedoms.

Artist rendering of an average Keplerian-22ber

Sources close to this blog have stated that - if and when the Keplerian-22bers attack, it will likely be worse that 400,000 Sept. 11s. It is up to us to not wait for the smoking gun that will come in the form of complete interstellar destruction. No, we must strike first.

Invading and overthrowing the likely evil Kepler-22b government is our only failsafe action in this situation. And while it seems like it would be difficult, the simple fact is that such an invasion would take roughly six weeks, and pay for itself. And the Keplarian-22bers will greet us as liberators.

That is why President Barack Obama must begin sending predator drones into the atmosphere of Kepler-22b and begin systematically taking out its leadership from the skies. Only then can we send in fighter planes to weaken its infrastructure, and finally troops to mop up the rest.

It is time for Americans to come together as one. Kepler-22b is just 600 light years away. That means - with recent developments in the study of the neutrino - we can be there in 599.99999 years. It is time to set a plan, and stick with it. We are America. We went to the moon. We can get to Kepler-22b, overthrow it’s government and convert its people to Christianity.

For average Americans looking to help in this interstellar war effort, please, travel. Shop. Enjoy this fine country and its myriad mini-malls and outlet stores. And, for God’s sake, stop talking about cutting the defense budget.



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