Breaking: Scientists discover that cutting off a bug’s penis really messes it up

May 18, 2015

If it weren’t for science, none of us would really know that cutting off a bug’s penis would hurt its reproduction chances. But now we know. Because of science.

Lopping off sections of a , for most species would involve serious injury and trauma (for some the mere thought of it might be enough)—but not so, apparently, for L. simulans. The males of these little , which are typically just 11 millimeters or so in length, come equipped with a penis that is very nearly comical in its length, on average 7 mm, which for those keeping track, is in the neighborhood of two thirds of its body length (it drags the thing around beneath itself). Even more odd is that most of the penis, aka its intromittent organ, is bereft of nerves, muscles or even blood vessels. And even odder than that is the fact that the female organ into which the male places its appendage is much too short to accommodate such length. Thus, the researchers sought out to discover the reason for such a mismatch.

Actually, the size of my penis is somewhat comical, as well, but for different reasons. And if you cut off parts of it, I guarantee reproduction would cease being important to me.



Breaking: Scientists busted for hour laundering; Daylight Savings Times canceled

March 10, 2014

WASHINGTON, D.C. - More than 42,000 scientists across the globe - including such luminaries as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking - have been arrested for hour laundering in a world-wide sting, sources say.

“They got them all, finally,” said the source. “Finally, this terror ends.”

The arrests take place following a six-hour investigation by House Republicans in the U.S. The results of the investigation unearthed a massive conspiracy that included thousands of scientists across the globe. Reports show that the scientists were arrested for hoarding hours left over after Daylight Savings Time in Spring. The scientists would then put those hours in a high-yield account. In the Fall, the hours would be paid back, however the interested accumulated was held on to by the scientists.

These extra hours were then laundered by the scientists, and used for such things as spreading global climate change disinformation and investing in making Bill Nye a big celebrity.

“I think we’ve all known scientists are the real enemies,” said a clearly pleased House GOP watchdog Darrell Issa. “Think of all those lost hours? Education truly is evil.”

The criminal enterprise of Daylight Savings Time has been cancelled, and all Americans will need to send a extra hour back to the government, or wait for a possible refund of an hour from the government. The return could take between six-to-eight weeks.

Sources say the Hour Laundering Scam began in 1897 under the watchful eye of scientist Percival Lowell, who believed extra hours could be funneled through canals on Mars. Despite being widely discredited, Lowell eventually used hours he had hoarded in order to get Arizona to name a really nice observatory after him.

The unspoken tradition of hour laundering among scientists has continued since then, with famed scientists such as Isaac Newton - who wasted all his hours on alchemy experiments - taking part (The extra hours could be used to go back in time to include scientists from prior generations).

“So, basically, all scientists from all of history are guilty,” said Issa. “Wow. Seriously, I never think these things will amount anything. This one, tho? Wow.”

Tyson - one of the most famous scientists on the planet - was unable to comment on the story, as it’s still not Daylight Savings Time in the zone he’s in, and the story has yet to break.


The sun is reaching out to you

September 5, 2012

If you’re problems feel to large, take a few seconds to experience this filament eruption on the sun. A little perspective never hurts.


Two scientists meet at a party …

July 10, 2012

Two scientists meet at a party …

Scientist No. 1: Hey, so what have you been working on?

Scientist No. 2: I helped discover what we believe is the Higgs-Boson Particle, which is what supplies the mass of an atom. It’s a tremendous discovery and a big step in our goals for a unified theory of everything. What have you been up to?

Scientist No. 1:  I just finished a study that shows if you sit on your ass too much, it’s not healthy.

Scientist No. 2: Well now, isn’t that something? Good for you. Would you like to look at my watch? It’s nice and shiny.


For your 4/20 viewing pleasure: The Carina Nebula

April 20, 2012

Because you may need something to stare at today. The Carina Nebula - courtesy the Bad Astronomer.


The Solar Flare is a Liberal Hoax

March 8, 2012

As if Obama’s citizenship, Climate Change, the shape of the Earth and the moon landing weren’t enough, now comes the latest liberal hoax – a giant solar flare.

Yes, apparently “the Sun” is undergoing a “solar storm” and sending “particles” at the “Earth.”

“It could give us a bit of a jolt,” said NASA solar physicist Alex Young.

First off, a “Solar physicist?” Give me a break. What the hell does that even mean? Last I checked, the sun is really far away. What a bunch of elitist nonsense.

Take it from me, a guy who spent two full years going to a college in Alaska, where I studied bears and snow, there is no solar flare. This is yet another diversion by the liberal media to take the attention away from Obama’s bungling of the economy and war on Israel.

Stop believing the nonsense of rich “scientists” who are blowing your hard-earned money on nonsense research about things that are far away like the sun and have no effect on us Americans. Your instincts are more than enough to let you know that there are no particles hitting Earth. Do you see any particles hitting Earth? I don’t.

I am not some ill-informed person, however. I will be spending the entire day staring at the “sun” looking for this “solar storm” and the “flare.” I invite all reading this post to do the same.

So let’s spend today staring at the sun. We’ll see the truth then. That’ll show those liberal “scientists.”



Earth 2.0: Invade now and the Keplerian-22bers will greet us as liberators

December 6, 2011

Artist rendering of Kepler-22b

My friends, we are living in perilous times. With the discovery of Planet Kepler-22b, we Americans are threatened in a way like never before.

Yes, Planet Kepler-22b, or “Earth 2.0″ as the unserious are calling it, is an Earth-like planet that could contain life. Life that would annihilate us for our freedoms.

Artist rendering of an average Keplerian-22ber

Sources close to this blog have stated that - if and when the Keplerian-22bers attack, it will likely be worse that 400,000 Sept. 11s. It is up to us to not wait for the smoking gun that will come in the form of complete interstellar destruction. No, we must strike first.

Invading and overthrowing the likely evil Kepler-22b government is our only failsafe action in this situation. And while it seems like it would be difficult, the simple fact is that such an invasion would take roughly six weeks, and pay for itself. And the Keplarian-22bers will greet us as liberators.

That is why President Barack Obama must begin sending predator drones into the atmosphere of Kepler-22b and begin systematically taking out its leadership from the skies. Only then can we send in fighter planes to weaken its infrastructure, and finally troops to mop up the rest.

It is time for Americans to come together as one. Kepler-22b is just 600 light years away. That means - with recent developments in the study of the neutrino - we can be there in 599.99999 years. It is time to set a plan, and stick with it. We are America. We went to the moon. We can get to Kepler-22b, overthrow it’s government and convert its people to Christianity.

For average Americans looking to help in this interstellar war effort, please, travel. Shop. Enjoy this fine country and its myriad mini-malls and outlet stores. And, for God’s sake, stop talking about cutting the defense budget.


The gravity of a star being swallowed by a black hole

August 25, 2011

For the first time, a black hole has been caught in the act of tearing apart and swallowing a star that got too close.

Scientists, who until now had witnessed only the aftermath of such events, say the observation is shedding light on “relativistic jets,” bursts of matter that shoot out at nearly the speed of light.

At the centers of virtually all large galaxies are supermassive black holes. These monsters, which are millions to billions of times the mass of the sun, can rip apart passers-by, gravitationally pulling at stars in gigantic versions of how our moon tugs on Earth’s oceans to generate tides.

Incredible stuff.


Solar Flare - X Class

August 10, 2011

So, I wonder if anyone will get superpowers from this solar flare? Regardless, cool stuff from our local star.


Yes, Science is dominated by men, why do you ask?

April 26, 2011

Lest you ever forget the science community is a sausage-fest:

There is growing evidence that human semen has the potential to produce profound effects on women. We have replicated the effects showing female college students having sex without condoms are less depressed as measured by objective scores on the Beck Depression Inventory. We’ve also examined the data as a function of whether the students were using hormonal contraceptives, whether they were in committed relationships, and how long these relationships have lasted. The anti-depressant properties of semen exposure do not vary as function of any of these conditions. It is not a question of whether females are sexually active, since students having sex with condoms show the same level of depression as those who are not having sex at all. We have also received numerous semen testimonials from other women who attest to the anti-depressant effects of semen exposure and these accounts often include the use of control trials (i.e., comparisons generated by switching from condoms to unprotected sex, or vice a versa).

Yes, ladies, sperm is good for you and making your partner wear a condom is making you sad. You’re Spermatically Depressed! Process THAT!

Oh, why yes, this story did appear in The Huffington Post, why do you ask?


Sharia Law for everyone!

September 20, 2010

It’s time for Sharia Law to come to the United States. This nation has settled into a moral and economic funk that only a healthy dose of Sharia Law can fix.

Oh sure, you’ve probably heard lots of bad things about Sharia Law. You probably think that it’s an Islamic plot to overthrow the world and control humanity. But this information – provided to you by the likes of Newt Gingrich – is based on ignorance and bigotry.

Here are just a few examples of how Sharia Law will make things better for everyone:

  • Getting stoned will finally be legalized.
  • Free Cake on Wednesdays.
  • Ramadan will cure national obesity epidemic, and work off all that cake.
  • A whole new “Veil Industry” will provide good jobs for Americans.
  • Automatic weapons will be available at gas stations.
  • People who can’t dance will no longer feel ashamed.
  • And much, much more!

So, am I suggesting that the U.S. be ruled by Sharia Law? Hell yes I am! Trust me on this, it would be a non-stop cake party. And America would regain its place as the greatest nation in the history of nations.

Of course, there’s no chance in hell Sharia Law will become the law of the land in the U.S. But if you’re going to be ignorant about something that will never happen, why not pretend it’s a great thing rather than be terrified of it?


William K. Wolfrum’s Morning – July 29, 2010

July 29, 2010

Look on the bright side - at least the Gulf of Mexico now looks super-bitchin’ under UV lighting.


Arizona Immigration Law: A federal judge strikes down parts of Arizona’s Illegal immigration law, meaning Jan Brewer will spend more of the state’s money on lawyers. And John McCain has a sad.

Obama on The View: Obama goes on The View? How unpresidential. Better to be like Bush and go on “Dr. Phil.”

[Read more]

Climategate be gone: Climate scientists cleared of malpractice

May 5, 2010

Remember Climategate? Well, the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit, which was the target of climate-deniers wrath, has cleared of “any deliberate scientific malpractice,” and had a panel declare their methodology sound.

From Bad Astronomer Phil Plait:

As a backstory, you may wish to read two earlier posts I wrote on this topic, the first introducing climategate, and a second following up to clarify some points. Basically, some emails from climate scientists were leaked by a still-unknown hacker, and to some people it indicated knowingly fraudulent activity by the scientists. However, those of us familiar with the way science and scientists actually work knew from the start there was nothing nefarious going on.

When the emails were made public, a lot of noise came from the usual places. The deniers went into overdrive. But it turns out they were just spinning their wheels. This is the second investigation to show nothing bad was going on; the first was from a Parliamentary committee which also cleared the scientists of any wrongdoing.

So now we have a panel of politicians as well as a panel of scientists, both of whom have concluded that the CRU scientists are honest. Kinda makes you wonder where Inhofe and Cuccinelli are going, doesn’t it? …

… The bottom line: the climate scientists at East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit worked honestly, and their results are robust.

And one final thing: I challenge the mainstream media to give this even a fraction of the attention they gave to the story when it broke. I won’t hold my breath.

So much gloating and chest-thumping from climate deniers, evaporates in puff of scientific theory. Of course, like any conspiracy theorists (which climate deniers are), they’ll find some other ineffective and untrue ways to try and debunk the findings of thousands and thousands of scientists and their remarkable amounts of scientific data. It’s what conspiracy theorists do, after all.


NASA on Humans & Climate Change

May 5, 2010

From NASA’s Earth Observatory, a detailed look at why the vast majority of scientific minds on the planet believe that climate change is a result of human activity.

A snippet:

Finally, scientists know that carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas and that it is released into the air when coal and other fossil fuels burn. Paleoclimate data show that atmospheric carbon dioxide levels are higher than they have been in the past 800,000 years. There is no plausible explanation for why such high levels of carbon dioxide would not cause the planet to warm.

I wouldn’t expect that climate-change deniers will change their minds due to NASA, of course. It’s not like they’re rocket scientists or anything.


Noah’s Ark located in Turkey! (except it wasn’t)

April 27, 2010

In keeping with the theme of the previous post, big-time journalists like Matt Drudge and Andrew Breitbart are now promoting a story that Noah’s Ark has been located in Turkey. Fox News is also giving the story ample PR.

Drudge links to a story at the UK Sun:

THE remains of Noah’s Ark have been discovered 13,000ft up a Turkish mountain, it has been claimed.

A group of Chinese and Turkish evangelical explorers say they have found wooden remains on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey.

They claim carbon dating proves the relics are 4,800 years old — around the same time the ark was said to be afloat.

Somehow, biblical discoveries are only made by evangelists and UFO discoveries are only made by UFO fetishists. Go figure.

Breitbart even includes video:

Now that’s journalism you can believe in. The only problem? It’s complete and utter bollocks. First off, there was no “Noah’s Ark” so there’s nothing to find. Secondly, the story is bollocks.

Remember, kids, when you see stories about UFOs, Noah’s Ark and other such things, they all share one common thread - they are not true. Ever.

Update: Hey, how about that. It was a hoax.


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