MITT ROMNEY’S BEST FRIEND IS JERRY SANDUSKY (and other things I don’t really believe)
October 9, 2012 by William K. Wolfrum
As a political blogger, I have long had a reputation as a pragmatic, level-headed fellow who often uses humor in lieu of shrillness. While I am proud of this reputation, it is one that has kept me from achieving the popularity I so rightly deserve. That is why, as of today, I will be changing my positions and attitudes to better take advantage of the current political atmosphere.
You see, with the U.S. election scant weeks away, I have yet to give my readers the passion, anger and outright falsehoods they truly desire. That is why, as of today, I will begin to produce blog posts that readers desire. In the upcoming days, I shall be releasing several new blog posts, including:
MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA
MITT ROMNEY ONCE SHOT A MAN IN RENO AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO WATCH HIM DIE
MITT ROMNEY WILL FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BE MORMON
MITT ROMNEY’S BEST FRIEND IS JERRY SANDUSKY
While I admit some of these posts are woefully short on facts, that is not an important factor in today’s political scene. You see, when the media blatantly ignores a candidate’s lies - especially when his campaign admitted he would lie to attract voters - then a strategy of just making stuff up is a sure win. No one will call me out on shrilly making things up. In fact, I fully expect the media to soon come out with stories that begin “Some are saying Mitt Romney’s best friend is Jerry Sandusky.”
Plus, let’s face it, conservative bloggers have been getting amazing national exposure by just making stuff up, and none of them seem overly perturbed that their candidate is now taking less-than-conservative stances on issues. They know Romney needs to attract centrist voters, and they are willing to be in on the joke. It’s time more liberals did the same, right?
Keep in mind, I am still the calm, thoughtful blogger I have always been. Following election day on Nov. 6, I will revert back to my normal style. I’d ask you, dear reader, not to tell anyone of my ruse, but being upfront about lying doesn’t seem to matter much these days.
My friends, my adopting a persona and style that is false will help me get the attention and readership I deserve. I will win. And, in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
-WKW
Stop making things up! Romney DID watch that man die in Reno, and you know it.
“MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA”
“MITT ROMNEY WILL FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BE MORMON”
Finally! Someone who is willing to stand up and reveal the ugly truths that the mainstream media has been hiding from us!
Feel free to use me as a source for any/all of your articles. I’ll totally back you up. Just call me an “unnamed source,” and then write whatever you think I might be willing to say (which is pretty much anything, really). And then, thirty years from now, I’ll call a press conference and admit that I was your unnamed source on all your Romney articles, and we can go on a publicity tour and get another 15 minutes of fame. It’s important to stretch it out as long as possible to get maximum profit.
Great post. Might I suggest a few others?
MITT ROMNEY KILLED THE MASSACHUSETTS SPACE PROGRAM
MITT ROMNEY’S BAIN CAPITAL CAUSED THE TEAPOT DOME SCANDAL
MITT ROMNEY DISLOCATES HIS JAW AND EATS KITTENS
Of course, another tried and true tactic of the right is to just use the prefix “some people say” before hurling a load of BS, much like this:
“Some people say that Mitt Romney fathered Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia.”
What do Paul Ryan and Jerry Sandusky have in common? They both want to screw your kids!
I emailed this to all of my friends, especially the right wing ones that send me the most outlandish emails about Obama.
Mitt Romney’s discarded (in a non-Mormon approved way) magic underwear stolen & used in taboo rituals of male subservience.
So now it’s not just that he shot a man in Reno. Some say he actually stood and watched him die, while others insist that he left him lying a pool of blood and laughed about it all the way home.
I want to be an anonymous source also. Let me know when you need a source and exactly what you need that source to testify to and I’ll make a blog post on one of my several dozen blogs. In fact, if you like I can create a blog entitled “WolfrumsBullshitSourceBlog”.