Rudy Giuliani, others, face long odds in 2008

November 14th, 2006

Deciding to form the ever-popular “exploratory committee,” Rudy Giuliani has taken the first step toward a 2008 Presidential run. The former Mayor of New York is one of the first Republicans to dip his foot into the waters of a potential presedential run.

Non-partisan experts, however, have said Giuliani faces nearly insurmountable odds in his quest, however, as there is little chance Americans will vote for a candidate whose name ends in a vowel.

The experts also agreed it’s highly unlikely Americans would pledge their support to candidates whose names end in -ingrich or -obama, either.


Word of the day: Sectarian

November 13th, 2006


Pronunciation: sek-’ter-E-&n
Function: adjective
1: of, relating to, or characteristic of a sect or sectarian
2: limited in character or scope : PAROCHIAL

Now, let’s use it in a sentence:

From 1861 to 1865, the United States of America was embroiled in sectarian violence, with the North sect fighting the South sect.


Like me, many people can only imagine what Veterans Day really means to a veteran

November 11th, 2006

On Veterans Day, we must always remember those who sacrificed everything - their lives, their personal lives, their families and every that there is on this planet. To those who offer their lives for a greater cause, we salute you. As someone who has never served, I can’t begin to imagine what veterans of the U.S. have gone through, or what a day like this means to them.

Of course, neither can these guys.

Bush and crew

Or these guys:

Dennis Hastert
Dick Armey
Tom Delay
Roy Blunt
Bill Frist
Mitch McConnell
Rick Santorum
George Felix Allen
Trent Lott
Richard Shelby
Jon Kyl
John Cornyn
Tim Hutchison
Christopher Cox
John T. Doolittle
Saxby Chambliss
Jack Kemp
Dan Quayle
Eliot Abrams
Paul Wolfowitz
Vin Weber
Richard Perle
Douglas Feith
Rudy Giuliani
Michael Bloomberg
George Pataki
Lindsey Graham
Dana Rohrabacher
John M. McHugh
Todd Platts
Bill Clinton
Hillary Clinton
Condoleeza Rice
George Will
Chris Matthews
Bill O’Reilly
Paul Gigot
Bill Bennett
Ann Coulter
Pat Buchanan
Rush Limbaugh
Michael Savage
John Wayne
Pat Robertson
Bill Kristol
Sean Hannity
Kenneth Starr
Antonin Scalia
Clarence Thomas
Ralph Reed
Michael Medved
Charlie Daniels
Ted Nugent
Toby Keith
John Ashcroft
Jeb Bush
Karl Rove
Newt Gingrich
Ronald Reagan
Phil Gramm


The Macaca heard around the world

November 10th, 2006

scary Monkey

If ever there was one moment that changed the direction of a nation, it was George Allen’s macaca moment. It was a moment that encapsulated everything that was wrong with the GOP. And while no one can say if that cost him the election or cost the GOP the Senate, one thing is clear to me - it cost Allen the election and cost the GOP the Senate.

Yes, there he was, George Allen, one-time chosen one, at a rally staring down at a young Indian-American, and as casually as could be, as if no one would either know or deny him this right, Allen started calling him a monkey and started humiliating him publicly. It was shameful and hard to watch.

“Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia,” Allen told the dark-skinned student filming the event for the eventual winner of the Senate race, Jim Webb.

But make no mistake about it, that’s what the GOP had become. From George W. Bush poking Matt Lauer in the chest or waving his arms angrily whenever anyone asked him a tough question; to Rush Limbaugh openly mocking a much-loved and Parkinson’s stricken actor in Michael J. Fox; to Ann Coulter mocking 9/11 victims; to Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld snarling at anyone who would not accept their endless lies; to the Jack Abramoff situation; to a Congress held hostage and sharply veering toward a dictatorial attitude and so much more — what Allen did was make it impossible to overlook — these were bad people that flown off the edge of normal, American discourse.

Some will get what’s coming to them. Bush and much of his team should expect to spend the next two years being investigated on a score of issues, and rightly so. Time will tell if the Democratic party can handle the job that’s been put in front of them. Will they maturely work toward resurrecting a system that has become corrupted beyond rational belief? Or will they go hell-bent for revenge and only exacerbate the problems of the U.S. government?

Time will tell. Only one thing is certain - the world now can look at the U.S. again and not see Americans as completely out-of-touch, narcissistic enemies of the planet. They can see that Americans are not all reckless cowboys, intent on enriching corporations and going on imperialistic sprees. Americans can still do what’s right.

And we have a racist ex-Senator from Virginia who couldn’t hide his true self to thank for it.


Holy Crap, Minnesota is electing Muslims!

November 9th, 2006

Having not gotten the memo that the U.S. is in an “End-of-Times” type battle of civilizations with Islam, voters in Minneapolis elected a Muslim to Congress, leading top American conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, Hugh Hewitt and Michael Savage to piss themselves in horror.

Keith Ellison was elected on the platform of united labor, minority communities, peace activists, which led experts to make another big discovery:

Jesus in Heaven, Minnesota elected a Muslim Democrat!

“We were able to bring in Muslims, Christians, Jews, Buddhists,” said Ellison, sharpening his baby-skinning knives as he prepared to devour the nation’s young. “We brought in everybody.”

Democrat Keith Ellison was elected as the nation’s first Muslim member of Congress on Tuesday, easily winning a Minneapolis-area district Republicans had not carried since 1962.

Ellison isalso Minnesota’s first nonwhite representative in Washington, which he implied wasn’t that big of a deal.

“I think the most important thing about this race is we tried to pull people together on things we all share, things that are important to everyone. We all need peace, and this Iraq policy is dangerous to our country,” said Ellison, who has called for immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops, leading the entire Fox News team to simultaneously crap themselves with the horrifying realization.

Sweet Bubbling Bile! There’s a Black, Muslim, Pacifist Democrat in the U.S. Congress!!

Mahdi Bray, executive director of the Muslim American Society, said Muslims followed the campaign closely, and that they are more excited about seeing a Muslim in Congress than they are concerned about Ellison’s strong liberal views.

“We are monotheistic, but we are not monolithic. There are things within our own community that we disagree about,” he said. Ellison’s views “might be a concern but I think the overall factor of having a Muslim voice in Congress overrides those types of concerns.”

Bray’s comments gave credence to the long-held stereotype that Islamofascistnazikillers are generally, card-carrying Republicans.

Reports have surfaced the Ellison could be a thorn in the side of prominent Neo-Conservative think tanks throughout the nation, who have strongly advised President George W. Bush to bomb the “nation” of “Blackmuslimdia” in order to show that the U.S. is truly willing to go the extra mile when it comes to fighting the Islamofascistrapists.

Ellison and officials from Blackmuslimdia have had no comment.


Jesus Christ screws over stunned Republicans: “Blow me” says Messiah

November 8th, 2006

WASHINGTON — Calling his actions “flighty and liberal to the highest degree,” Karl Rove today lashed out at Jesus Christ, claiming the savior let down the Republican party in the 2006 midterm elections, which saw Democrats take over the House, and very likely the Senate.

“After all we did for him? Who in the hell does he think he is?” a red-faced Rove said, clearly exasperated.

Rove was among many conservatives who believed that the Bush Administration’s extensive kowtowing to evangelicals would put them in a position where the GOP would be able to win every election (outside of Connecticut) with divine help.

Heaven-Bush Administration relations have frayed recently however, culminating when the Rev. Ted Haggard admitted to being a homosexual meth freak after long campaigning against gay rights.

While Heaven has steadfastly refused to comment on the situation, an obviously drunken Jesus couldn’t resist getting a few jabs in at the administration when encountered by the press leaving a bar in West Hollywood.

“The Republicans can blow me,” said Jesus. “Yeah, you heard me, they can bob on my divine rod for all I care. Faith-based initiatives my hairy ass.”


A Craigslist Curmudgeon does the snarky work so writers don’t have to

November 7th, 2006

Being a big-shot professional writer is everything I ever dreamed it could be and more. I get paid truly insane amounts of money to sit on my ass all day and write things that change how people think and act.

Like, who can ever forget the brilliant blog I recently wrote entitled: “Rev. Ted Haggard loves the cock”? Now there was a groundbreaking piece of work which truly captured the essence of the story - a hypocritical pastor loving cock.

But, there’s so much more to me than writing about cocks and pastors and pastors that love cock. And golf. I am a well-rounded writer always looking for bigger and better challenges. Plus, I care about the little people. Little people like you. Yes, you. People who can’t write well enough to carry my jock. Sure, deep in my heart I feel the same way about you as the average Republican feels about black men, but I feign that I care, because I was once like you - hungry, young and an awful writer.

Many a day I spent at Web sites like Craigslist, finding a few work assignments, but finding even more disappointment. Now, thanks to the magical tubes of the Internet, there’s someone out there who will find those disappointments for you, and slather them with some good, old-fashioned snark.

He’s the Craigslist Curmudgeon, and he is doing the work that needs to be done. He goes the extra mile to find the best of the worst on Craigslist, and then expose them for being the foolish ignoramuses they really are. Take this post about a recent Craigslist ad for someone looking for “minor tragedies of 9/11.” You know, like losing stuff on your computer when the WTC fell:

I rewrote this post at least six times. I’m at a loss, yet have plenty to say, yet can’t quite say it. As a New Yorker who witnessed 9/11, I’m wondering if I should be offended at how someone is choosing to make light of and profit from some of the day’s events. Am I supposed to read this clever little anthology and feel sorry for the driver of the pimped out car or the person who didn’t get to start his job on September 12th? You nailed it on the head. The loss IS petty and thousands of people did die. To look for the ironic and bizarre out of all of this is so incredibly ass, I have to wonder what type of person is looking to capitalize on all of this.

You get ‘em, CC. Head on over to Craigslist Curmudgeon today for more. There’s some funny stuff over there, and the comments are a hoot as well. Plus, it’s good to see someone flip off the jokers who are always looking to use naive, supple, young writers for nothing or next to it.

Now, excuse me as I head back to my dream job as a professional writer who seems much too giggly about sneaking the word “cock” into headlines on his own Web site.


Major League Soccer goes for the Beckham double: Sign aging star, cease existing as a league

November 6th, 2006

In an attempt to prove the theory that people who find soccer boring will still consider it boring even if you throw an aging star in the middle of it, the Los Angeles Galaxy has announced its interest in signing David Beckham, who is currently out-of-favor with Real Madrid in the Spanish League.

“There are thousands of clubs out there that would love to have a player of his calibre,” Galaxy boss Alexi Lalas told the BBC. “And the Los Angeles Galaxy is certainly one of them.”

Madrid has made it clear they are willing to re-sign Beckham, mostly due to his huge popularity throughout Europe and Asia. Beckham, however, is looking to be in Madrid’s starting 11, though that appears increasingly unlikely with the strong play by Spaniard Jose Antonio Reyes.

The odds of Beckham ending up in the U.S. are extremely long, as there has been a bubbling of interest for Beckham to rejoin his countrymen in the English Premiere League. Still, the allure of playing in the heart of the world’s film industry could provide too much temptation for Team Beckham.

One thing can be said for sure: It would be a horrendous move on the part of Major League Soccer, which would be required to pay top dollar to a player well past his prime, with injuries and down time a serious liklihood. It would fill seats for a little while, but within a year, Beckham’s star would cease shining across the U.S.

Destroying the pay structure and focusing on one popular foreign player would be simply ruinous for the MLS.


Rev. Ted Haggard loves the cock

November 5th, 2006

Don’t you just love it when a headline just writes itself? He loves the junk too, while we’re at it.

Think that may be a little harsh? Why not wait for the truth to come out? Nope, not a chance. Screw him. Screw his ilk. He and those like him cast their stones long ago. So now, but one thing is clear:

Ted Haggard is cock-loving meth freak who, according to his demented beliefs in the supernatural, will spend eternity burning in hell.

Not that he cares much, it seems. From Vanity Fair’s James Wolcott:

Haggard, however, might have returned from shooting a round of golf, he was so matter-of-fact. There he was, sitting in the driveway outside his house, seatbelt fastened, admitting to purchasing meth (not a trifling matter for an evangelical leader) and arranging a massage as if shooting the breeze with a neighbor. The genial lack of affect was fascinating. And I presume the woman sitting in the passenger’s seat was his wife-what did she make of all this? Five children, a prominent place in the community, and her husband is copping to buying meth out of curiosity. Once you’re arranging drug buys and massages with male prostitutes, I think we’ve moved beyond the curiosity stage. Today one of the cable news outfits ran an interview with one of Haggard’s closest friends and associates, and if it’s possible to be so gay you don’t even know you’re gay, he would have been people’s exhibit #1. He said Jesus’s name as if it were the most delicious lozenge imaginable.

So remember folks, weird fundamentalist cultists like Haggard, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, etc., are, more than likely, just a group of cock-loving meth freaks waiting patiently to turn your young children on to cock and dope.

And George W. Bush is funneling them money by the boatload to do it.

Update: Not that you would know that Bush and his “Faith-Based” initiatives are still in operation. Oddly enough, the Faith-Based and Community Initiative pages on the White House Web site can’t be found just now.


GOP’s “Nov. Surprise” not so surprising: Islamofascistnazikillers want to murder you and your babies!!!!

November 4th, 2006

So you say you got a problem, bub? Can’t stop your lawmakers from chasing after suple, 16-year-old boy pages? Can’t get your spiritual leaders to stop with the speed and gay sex? Can’t stop your congressmen from getting tossed in the can for being thieves? Can’t legislate to save your ass? Think War is a giant game of Risk? And you suck at Risk?

Well, have I got a solution for you.


Wall-to-wall, endless Fear!!

Yes, the November surprise appears to be the same surprise U.S. citizens have had to swallow for more than five years now. “Don’t want to vote Republican because we’re destroying every last thing you believe in? Well, that’s fine, but remember one thing:”

Muslims want to kill all of you

-Brought to you by Fox.

Yes, Fox News, in keeping with its stated objective: “If the GOP goes up for war crimes, we’ll be right there with them” has decided to air — FIVE TIMES — between now and the election, an anti-Muslim, propaganda film called “Obsession: The Threat of Radical Islam”. The film spends its time detailing how Muslims are much worse than Nazis and will do anything to enslave the U.S. under sharia law.

Glenn Greenwald summed it up nicely:

This is the poison that the Bush movement has been feeding to this country for five years now, and like all toxins, it has had a devestatingly corrosive effect. Fear (and the desire for destruction which naturally accompanies it) is the only substance that fuels their movement, which is why the likes of Fox News, following in the footsteps of the Leaders whom they serve, have devoted themselves to the only goal they know — flooding the country with as much fear as possible in the hopes that it will save their dying movement from full-scale political collapse. ]

Some day, this film will be an exhibit in a museum, powerfully illustrating what the Bush movement was and how its followers attempted to justify its conduct and keep it in power.

Just a thought, but you know, for Conservatives, the whole “Ohmygawd, terrorists are coming!!” frightfest really nullifies the whole tough talk on every other issue that they do.

But realize that just because Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush couldn’t protect you on 9/11, doesn’t mean the world is going to end and we’re in ungodly peril. The U.S. survived Timothy McVeigh and Eric Rudolph. We’ll survive the Islamofascistnazimurders, as well.

So suck it up and stop acting like pansies.