Archive for the 'satire' Category

Corporations grieve for Milton Friedman; most others wished WalMart would provide health care

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

Milton Friedman, the Nobel Prize winning economist that helped put 16 percent of the nation’s wealth into 1 percent of the pockets of the U.S., died today at the age of 94.

Friedman leaves behind many large corporations, including Exxon Mobil, WalMart, Chevron and General Motors.

“He was like a father to us,” said Exxon Mobil, wiping it’s eyes with krugerrands.

While many large corporations feel a sense of gratitude toward Friedman, the majority of the U.S. could give a shit and just wish they had health care.

homeless american


The New U.S. No-Fly list: No, we aren’t becoming Nazis - they weren’t checking everyone who wanted to leave

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

Many liberal blogs are up in arms about the new U.S. law, which will come into play in January, making it mandatory for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to review every U.S. passenger who will be taking an international flight. Basically, you need the State’s permission to leave the country in the U.S. now.

And while blogs like Crooks and Liars’ ““Vy Vould You Vish To Leave Ze Fatherland?” complain about this trampling on civil liberties, they go a step too far when they start comparing the U.S. to Nazi Germany.

You see, the Nazis basically let people come and go:

From “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich:”

“Nazi Germany permitted all but a few thousand of its citizens who were in the black book of the secret police to travel abroad … Nazi rulers did not seem to be worried that the average German would be contaminated by anti-Nazism if he visited the democratic countries.”

So see, sure they had a no-fly list, but it’s not like they had to check EVERYBODY before they got on airplanes, like the U.S. is going to do.

So please, enough with hysterics. The Nazis weren’t THAT bad.


Rudy Giuliani, others, face long odds in 2008

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

Deciding to form the ever-popular “exploratory committee,” Rudy Giuliani has taken the first step toward a 2008 Presidential run. The former Mayor of New York is one of the first Republicans to dip his foot into the waters of a potential presedential run.

Non-partisan experts, however, have said Giuliani faces nearly insurmountable odds in his quest, however, as there is little chance Americans will vote for a candidate whose name ends in a vowel.

The experts also agreed it’s highly unlikely Americans would pledge their support to candidates whose names end in -ingrich or -obama, either.


Holy Crap, Minnesota is electing Muslims!

Thursday, November 9th, 2006

Having not gotten the memo that the U.S. is in an “End-of-Times” type battle of civilizations with Islam, voters in Minneapolis elected a Muslim to Congress, leading top American conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, Hugh Hewitt and Michael Savage to piss themselves in horror.

Keith Ellison was elected on the platform of united labor, minority communities, peace activists, which led experts to make another big discovery:

Jesus in Heaven, Minnesota elected a Muslim Democrat!

“We were able to bring in Muslims, Christians, Jews, Buddhists,” said Ellison, sharpening his baby-skinning knives as he prepared to devour the nation’s young. “We brought in everybody.”

Democrat Keith Ellison was elected as the nation’s first Muslim member of Congress on Tuesday, easily winning a Minneapolis-area district Republicans had not carried since 1962.

Ellison isalso Minnesota’s first nonwhite representative in Washington, which he implied wasn’t that big of a deal.

“I think the most important thing about this race is we tried to pull people together on things we all share, things that are important to everyone. We all need peace, and this Iraq policy is dangerous to our country,” said Ellison, who has called for immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops, leading the entire Fox News team to simultaneously crap themselves with the horrifying realization.

Sweet Bubbling Bile! There’s a Black, Muslim, Pacifist Democrat in the U.S. Congress!!

Mahdi Bray, executive director of the Muslim American Society, said Muslims followed the campaign closely, and that they are more excited about seeing a Muslim in Congress than they are concerned about Ellison’s strong liberal views.

“We are monotheistic, but we are not monolithic. There are things within our own community that we disagree about,” he said. Ellison’s views “might be a concern but I think the overall factor of having a Muslim voice in Congress overrides those types of concerns.”

Bray’s comments gave credence to the long-held stereotype that Islamofascistnazikillers are generally, card-carrying Republicans.

Reports have surfaced the Ellison could be a thorn in the side of prominent Neo-Conservative think tanks throughout the nation, who have strongly advised President George W. Bush to bomb the “nation” of “Blackmuslimdia” in order to show that the U.S. is truly willing to go the extra mile when it comes to fighting the Islamofascistrapists.

Ellison and officials from Blackmuslimdia have had no comment.


Jesus Christ screws over stunned Republicans: “Blow me” says Messiah

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

WASHINGTON — Calling his actions “flighty and liberal to the highest degree,” Karl Rove today lashed out at Jesus Christ, claiming the savior let down the Republican party in the 2006 midterm elections, which saw Democrats take over the House, and very likely the Senate.

“After all we did for him? Who in the hell does he think he is?” a red-faced Rove said, clearly exasperated.

Rove was among many conservatives who believed that the Bush Administration’s extensive kowtowing to evangelicals would put them in a position where the GOP would be able to win every election (outside of Connecticut) with divine help.

Heaven-Bush Administration relations have frayed recently however, culminating when the Rev. Ted Haggard admitted to being a homosexual meth freak after long campaigning against gay rights.

While Heaven has steadfastly refused to comment on the situation, an obviously drunken Jesus couldn’t resist getting a few jabs in at the administration when encountered by the press leaving a bar in West Hollywood.

“The Republicans can blow me,” said Jesus. “Yeah, you heard me, they can bob on my divine rod for all I care. Faith-based initiatives my hairy ass.”


Rev. Ted Haggard loves the cock

Sunday, November 5th, 2006

Don’t you just love it when a headline just writes itself? He loves the junk too, while we’re at it.

Think that may be a little harsh? Why not wait for the truth to come out? Nope, not a chance. Screw him. Screw his ilk. He and those like him cast their stones long ago. So now, but one thing is clear:

Ted Haggard is cock-loving meth freak who, according to his demented beliefs in the supernatural, will spend eternity burning in hell.

Not that he cares much, it seems. From Vanity Fair’s James Wolcott:

Haggard, however, might have returned from shooting a round of golf, he was so matter-of-fact. There he was, sitting in the driveway outside his house, seatbelt fastened, admitting to purchasing meth (not a trifling matter for an evangelical leader) and arranging a massage as if shooting the breeze with a neighbor. The genial lack of affect was fascinating. And I presume the woman sitting in the passenger’s seat was his wife-what did she make of all this? Five children, a prominent place in the community, and her husband is copping to buying meth out of curiosity. Once you’re arranging drug buys and massages with male prostitutes, I think we’ve moved beyond the curiosity stage. Today one of the cable news outfits ran an interview with one of Haggard’s closest friends and associates, and if it’s possible to be so gay you don’t even know you’re gay, he would have been people’s exhibit #1. He said Jesus’s name as if it were the most delicious lozenge imaginable.

So remember folks, weird fundamentalist cultists like Haggard, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, etc., are, more than likely, just a group of cock-loving meth freaks waiting patiently to turn your young children on to cock and dope.

And George W. Bush is funneling them money by the boatload to do it.

Update: Not that you would know that Bush and his “Faith-Based” initiatives are still in operation. Oddly enough, the Faith-Based and Community Initiative pages on the White House Web site can’t be found just now.


GOP’s “Nov. Surprise” not so surprising: Islamofascistnazikillers want to murder you and your babies!!!!

Saturday, November 4th, 2006

So you say you got a problem, bub? Can’t stop your lawmakers from chasing after suple, 16-year-old boy pages? Can’t get your spiritual leaders to stop with the speed and gay sex? Can’t stop your congressmen from getting tossed in the can for being thieves? Can’t legislate to save your ass? Think War is a giant game of Risk? And you suck at Risk?

Well, have I got a solution for you.


Wall-to-wall, endless Fear!!

Yes, the November surprise appears to be the same surprise U.S. citizens have had to swallow for more than five years now. “Don’t want to vote Republican because we’re destroying every last thing you believe in? Well, that’s fine, but remember one thing:”

Muslims want to kill all of you

-Brought to you by Fox.

Yes, Fox News, in keeping with its stated objective: “If the GOP goes up for war crimes, we’ll be right there with them” has decided to air — FIVE TIMES — between now and the election, an anti-Muslim, propaganda film called “Obsession: The Threat of Radical Islam”. The film spends its time detailing how Muslims are much worse than Nazis and will do anything to enslave the U.S. under sharia law.

Glenn Greenwald summed it up nicely:

This is the poison that the Bush movement has been feeding to this country for five years now, and like all toxins, it has had a devestatingly corrosive effect. Fear (and the desire for destruction which naturally accompanies it) is the only substance that fuels their movement, which is why the likes of Fox News, following in the footsteps of the Leaders whom they serve, have devoted themselves to the only goal they know — flooding the country with as much fear as possible in the hopes that it will save their dying movement from full-scale political collapse. ]

Some day, this film will be an exhibit in a museum, powerfully illustrating what the Bush movement was and how its followers attempted to justify its conduct and keep it in power.

Just a thought, but you know, for Conservatives, the whole “Ohmygawd, terrorists are coming!!” frightfest really nullifies the whole tough talk on every other issue that they do.

But realize that just because Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush couldn’t protect you on 9/11, doesn’t mean the world is going to end and we’re in ungodly peril. The U.S. survived Timothy McVeigh and Eric Rudolph. We’ll survive the Islamofascistnazimurders, as well.

So suck it up and stop acting like pansies.


World admits fear of George Bush: President responds “Who needs you anyway, you bunch of hippies”

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

Proving without a shadow of a doubt that, when pushed, George W. Bush is better at everything than King Jong il, a new study shows Briton is more terrified of the U.S. President, than the psycho little leader of North Korea. It showed lots of other stuff, also.

From Reuters:

In Britain, which alongside Israel is traditionally a close Washington ally, 69 percent of those questioned said they felt U.S. policy had made the world less safe since 2001.

A majority of Canadians and Mexicans agreed, with 62 percent of those polled in Canada and 57 percent in Mexico saying their neighbor’s policy had made the world more dangerous.

As for Israel, just 25 percent of people asked said Bush had made the world safer, while 36 percent felt he had upped the risk of conflict and a further 30 percent said at best he had made no difference.

In an unscheduled interview during a campaign rally in a phone booth in Pennsylvania, Bush made these off-the-cuff remarks when asked “So, whats up, Bush?”

“I’ll tell you, things are looking up regardless of what those British, Mexican, Israelim Italian, French, Swiss, Australian, Tongan and Canadian pussies have to say about it. Can you say “enemy combatants?


George Michael makes up for years of lameness in Wham! by smoking a joint on TV

Saturday, October 21st, 2006

This oughta wake him up before he go gos. From the AP:

George Michael praised marijuana and apparently smoked a joint during a recently taped television interview, prompting criticism from anti-drug campaigners Friday.

British television network ITV said the singer lit up while being interviewed for the arts program “The South Bank Show.” The interview is due to be broadcast October 31.

“This stuff keeps me sane and happy,” Michael, 43, told the program.

“I’d say it’s a great drug — but obviously it’s not very healthy. You can’t afford to smoke it if you’ve got anything to do.”

A spokeswoman for “The South Bank Show” said the interview had been conducted in Madrid, Spain, where marijuana consumption is legal. In September, Michael launched his “25 Live” tour — his first in 15 years — in Spain.

Of course, from the joy of seeing an aging pop icon get baked on TV, we go to the joylessness of others.

William Butler, spokesman for drug treatment charity Addaction, said he was “concerned about the message this can send out to young people.”

“Cannabis is illegal because it can be harmful, as can all drugs,” he said.

Mr. Butler than fired up a cigarette and drank a quart of scotch to show his displeasure at the dangers kids had to deal with on a daily basis.

George michael gets stoned
Jitterbug, baby.


You can never be too thin or too shrill

Wednesday, October 11th, 2006


Main Entry: shrill
Pronunciation: ’shril, especially Southern ’sril
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English; probably akin to Old English scrallettan to resound loudly — more at SKIRL
transitive verb: SCREAM
intransitive verb: to utter or emit an acute piercing sound


The Press Corps Drives More People Shrill

TNR Shrill? Urges Dem Partisanship


Shrill Defined

The reasonable and the shrill

The case for shrill

The Sacred Order of the Shrill

John Cole is Shrill

Rubin gets Shrill

Shrill Alert!

Let it hereby be known, that as of now, you cannot be too shrill. Anyone offended by overtly shrill behavior can now officially suck it.

Be shrill - thousands and thousands of war dead and the U.S. Constitution will thank you.