Iran handing a victory to the U.S.?

December 30, 2006

You know, for a nation bent on World domination and the enslavement of all under Sharia Law, Iran sure didn’t use Saddam’s execution to rail against the evil Infidels and their war on Islam.

From Xinhua:

“With regard to Saddam’s execution, it amounts to a victory of the Iraqi people as they were the winners of his fall,” Iranian Deputy Foreign Minister Hamid Reza Asefi was quoted by the official IRNA news agency as saying.

“Saddam’s regime was overthrown because the Iraqi people did not support him. It is crystal clear that the United States should not misinterpret his fall and take the credit to itself,” he said. Asefi also lashed out at the former Iraqi president for launching consecutive wars on Iran and Kuwait in the 1980s and early 1990s, saying his conducts had weakened the Arab and Islamic fronts.

Well, that’s not much in the way of using it to their advantage. It actually seems they were willing to hand the U.S. victory because of their natural hatred of Saddam and Sunnis. It was almost as if Iran gained something from Saddam’s death, as well. Foreigners, they sure are interesting.

Do they have anyone on staff in the U.S. government that examines cultural things like this? Like a sociologist maybe? Something like that? They really should look at getting someone like that. Because I don’t think they do right now.


One-Liner: Saddam

December 30, 2006

Overthrowing and finding Saddam seemed to generate much more excitement than killing him did.


Mike Tyson continues his road to ignominy

December 29, 2006

tyson berbick

It was almost exactly 20 years ago that I shook Mike Tyson’s hand in the casino at the Hilton in Las Vegas. It was Nov. 22, 1986, and my dad and I went to see Tyson take on Trevor Berbick.

It was a memorable knockout as Tyson triumphed in two rounds to become the youngest heavyweight champion. My dad slapped Tyson on the back as he left the ring that night, and I shook his hand later that evening in the casino.

He was just a year or so older than I, standing alone, unencumbered by an entourage. He seemed slightly small, but seemed to be basking in his triumph. “Congratulations, champ,” I said to Tyson, who thanked me and pleasantly returned my handshake. I would have never guessed that in 20 years time, my life would be so much better than his.

Recently arrested in Scottsdale for a DUI plus possession of cocaine, what could be the first step of the final collapse may have occurred. He could never enjoy his life or success the way he seemed to enjoy it that night at the Hilton, with introspection and quiet satisfaction. It was always turmoil for Tyson, with his mind being his worst enemy, in a life that actually included enemies.

Out of boxing, a sideshow, and with a self-respect that never developed, Mike Tyson’s future looks horrifying. I hope he can dig himself out of it, if not, I think I’ll just remember him for being, for a short while, as good a heavyweight that ever existed.


How did the Grand Canyon get made? Space monkeys, say I

December 29, 2006

In this life, you just can’t have anything good without someone trying to give God credit for it.

Recently, the Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility released a story saying employees and geologists at Grand Canyon National Park, have been muzzled when it comes to telling people how old it is and how it was created. Why? Well, because the truth would conflict with the Bible, and the Bush Administration believes that the Grand Canyon was created by Noah’s flood.

From the story:

Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees. Despite promising a prompt review of its approval for a book claiming the Grand Canyon was created by Noah’s flood rather than by geologic forces, more than three years later no review has ever been done and the book remains on sale at the park, according to documents released today by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER).

“In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology,” stated PEER Executive Director Jeff Ruch. “It is disconcerting that the official position of a national park as to the geologic age of the Grand Canyon is ‘no comment.’”

Park officials have defended the decision to approve the sale of Grand Canyon: A Different View, claiming that park bookstores are like libraries, where the broadest range of views are displayed. In fact, however, both law and park policies make it clear that the park bookstores are more like schoolrooms rather than libraries. As such, materials are only to reflect the highest quality science and are supposed to closely support approved interpretive themes. Moreover, unlike a library the approval process is very selective. Records released to PEER show that during 2003, Grand Canyon officials rejected 22 books and other products for bookstore placement while approving only one new sale item — the creationist book.

Ironically, in 2005, two years after the Grand Canyon creationist controversy erupted, NPS approved a new directive on “Interpretation and Education (Director’s Order #6) which reinforces the posture that materials on the “history of the Earth must be based on the best scientific evidence available, as found in scholarly sources that have stood the test of scientific peer review and criticism [and] Interpretive and educational programs must refrain from appearing to endorse religious beliefs explaining natural processes.”

“As one park geologist said, this is equivalent of Yellowstone National Park selling a book entitled Geysers of Old Faithful: Nostrils of Satan,” Ruch added.

Promoting the idea that the Grand Canyon was created by Noah’s flood is wrong and misguided. Plus, it flies in the face of my theory that space monkey’s landed on Earth and dug the thing themselves about 700 years ago or so. Adorable, busy little space monkeys.

That may sound ridiculous, but I’m taking the same stance as God worshippers on this - the burden to disprove my space monkey theory is on you.


One-Liner: Masturbation

December 28, 2006

I’ve come to accept that the phrase “masturbating furiously” will always be funny to me.

Cheeky Monkey


Trouble at iTunes! Shoppers play the waiting game

December 28, 2006

We’ve come so far, people, so far.

Music denied — shoppers overwhelm iTunes

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) — Swarms of online shoppers armed with new iPods and iTunes gift cards apparently overwhelmed Apple’s iTunes music store over the holiday, prompting error messages and slowdowns of 20 minutes or more for downloads of a single song.

Personally, I have vivid memories of it taking 20 minutes or more to download a Word document. Now “slowdown of 20 minutes or more” sounds so derisive.


Sometimes a mascot tells you all you need to know

December 28, 2006

It’s hard to believe that the soccer club sporting a mascot that looks like Bugs Bunny’s perverted twin is underachieving:

Sadly, the mighty “Coehlo” (rabbit) hasn’t been able to do much for the América-Minas Gerais squad, as they continue to languish in Brazil’s third division.


‘The Mother of All Brainstorming Sessions’ an insult to troops

December 28, 2006

As President George W. Bush sticks with the four-cornered offense as a way of dealing with Iraq, one really begins to wonder who exactly is fooled by this ruse? As White House spokesmen say things like “the President wants to make sure that he’s taking the appropriate amount of time and giving the appropriate consideration of all the options before making an announcement,” the rest of us really should know what that new announcement is already:

1) More troops are going to Iraq.
2) Iran is in the crosshairs.

At this point, Bush is doing nothing more than buying some time. He’s a neo-con, and they’ll change the secret handshake on him unless he rides their warmongering into the scorched earth.

So while Bush watches the clock, resting and giving the impression that other people’s thoughts mean anything to him, keep in mind that the decisions have already been made.

Thursday, numerous Iraqis and at least three U.S. soldiers died. Nearly 3,000 have died thus far, but now they wait for a leader feigning “indecision” on what path he wants his soldiers to follow. In a hostile region, they have been told to wait, while their leader thinks.


Dear Fox News: Where in the hell is my Joy Behar coverage!

December 27, 2006

FOX News Channel
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036

Dear Fox News,

Where in the name of holy fuck is my Joy Behar news! You heartless bastards have gone DAYS without mentioning J-Beh. And let me tell you, that is bullshit. Complete and total bullshit.

First of all, you just get someone hooked on Joy Behar, and then yank her away. You’re a Joy tease, that’s what you are, Fox News. I admit that at first I thought Joy Behar was a talentless loser that had lucked into a good gig on “The View.” But due to your tireless work on the Behar front, Fox News, I have learned she is so much more than that. She must be to get the coverage you gave her.

Gerald Ford dies?! Saddam to be hung?! Hundreds daily need to be scraped off the pavement in Iraq?! Why on earth would Fox News think this matters to their readers?

We want Behar. Tell us again how that mischievous skamp called Donald Rumsfeld a Hitler. Tell us how she interviewed Hillary Clinton. Tell us what her thoughts are on Mel Gibson. Tell us how she feels about Fox News. Give us something for Christ’s sake!

Let’s get this straight, Fox News: You are here to keep J-Beh fans informed. Joy Behar is the voice of this generation, and if you don’t cover her antics, who will? No one, that’s who. No one else cares about her, only you.

So, Fox News, get back to work. Us “Joysters” need you to do your job, and keep the nation flooded with breaking Beharian updates. Don’t let us down again.


William K. Wolfrum


Gerald Ford dies: ‘Rule of Three’ just waiting for Saddam

December 27, 2006

U.S. President Gerald Ford died today at the age of 93.

Despite never being elected to politic’s biggest job and taking over the presidency in the worst possible circumstances, Ford proved to be the right man for a nearly impossible job, and his short reign is mostly notable for the fact that he helped the healing begin in a nation shaken by Watergate and Vietnam. In the years that followed, Ford was an a stellar and dignified ambassador for the U.S.

While many are either mourning or celebrating the life of Ford, many experts said they could see this coming, as it is following the “Rule of Three,” where Republican leaders die in groups of three over a short period.

Having recently suffered the loss of Augusto Pinochet, and now Ford, the GOP will soon lose another leader it once backed in Saddam Hussein, once again proving the “Rule of Three.”


Jeff Reed, rest of Steelers a scary picture in wasted 2006 campaign

December 26, 2006

One of the great joys in my life was that at the beginning of the year, I stopped being an NFL fan. The Steelers had won their fifth Super Bowl, I was in another country most the time, and missing the intense coverage. So I walked away a winner, never looking back at the sport I once loved.

That, of course, gives me no solace for the pain such a miserable season it this year for Pittsburgh.

I mean, they loss to Oakland. Oakland, a team that would struggle to put up 14 points against me. They turned Michael Vick into Joe Montana. They got beaten like rented mules twice against Baltimore.

Ben Rothlisberger nearly wiped himself out before the season began, and then threw interceptions by the bucketload once things got underway. Outside of Willie Parker and Troy Palomalu, it was just a season of medicority, as the Steelers showed they weren’t up to repeat their championship.

And then, finally, as if to just pour salt on the wound, kicker Jeff Reed decided to humilate himself. The kicker, for God’s sake. Making himself look all the fool by sending girls pictures of him showing off some “Penis cleavage.” Deadspin, has more on the story, including the frightening picture”

Thank God this was the year I stopped being an NFL fan.


Iran-U.S. relations captured in free-form AP poetry

December 25, 2006

Through a combination of dramatic writing and editing, sometimes, things just come together for Associated Press writers and a type of poetry is created.

Here’s an AP story on Iran possibly suffering massive economic losses due to a slowing of oil production:

… Iran earns about $50 billion a year in oil exports.

The decline is estimated at 10 to 12 percent annually.

In less than five years exports could be halved, Stern predicted.

For two decades, the United States has deployed military forces in the region in a strategy to pre-empt emergence of a regional superpower.

Iraq was prevented from growing into a major power in the area in the 1991 Persian Gulf War.

But a hostile Iran remains a target of U.S. threats.

The U.S. military exercises have not stopped Iran’s drive …

Is it me, or is that not haunting? Seriously, it’s touching. Awards need to be given.


You were not Caesar in a previous life, and you aren’t in the middle of an Epic Battle of Civilizations

December 22, 2006

I suppose it’s easy to get the idea that you are in some grand, history-shaping battle between good and evil when your leaders spend such a great deal of their public time fervently shrieking that you are involved in a grand, history-shaping battle between good and evil.

Here’s the thing, however - you’re not.

You see, just like people who believe that they were great warriors or historic figures in past lives are deluded, so are the “Epic Battle of Civilizations” or “Epic Battle for Civilization” folks. It is a great mind game doled out and eagerly consumed by those that feel impotent, in order to give their lives some meaning and direction.

Basically, the “Epic Battle of Civilizations” has become a new religion.

If you’re reading this and shocked at the naivety of the author, try doing this: crack open a history book. Go to any year, from the dawn of mankind. Whether you think man began 40,000 or 6,000 years ago is of no concern. Now, quick - point to a year, month, day, or moment, where peace reigned supreme around the globe. You can’t.

Whether Christians, communists, fascists, Nazis, Muslims, etc., there has always been an evil in the world that - if somehow unchecked - will either slay or enslave us all, according to the masses. For Muslim nations now, the U.S. is that great evil. Because their masses are as deluded as ours and also have visions of immense self-importance. Like many in the West, they feel they are embroiled in a history-altering moment in time.

They’re not. Neither are you. The “Epic Battle of Civilizations” can be defined in one word: narcissism.

What the world’s population is involved in now is what the world’s population has always been involved in. Like always, we are riding the interests of our leaders, nothing more. And the leaders on both sides are simultaneously good and evil.

So just keep that in mind if you start believing you are in an “Epic Battle.” You’re not. In the history of civilization, you are not even a comma. Deal with it. The “epic battle” will proceed in the minds of many until this planet shakes us all off of it. Think about it - every last generation has had its own “epic battle” thrust on it by, or due to the world’s leaders. Shouldn’t that tell you something?

An “Epic Battle of Civilizations?” Please. Stop thinking so highly of yourself.


Defining the news

December 22, 2006

Because sometimes, it’s hard to tell what people mean when they use specific words or phrases, here’s a quick primer on some popular terms floating around these days:

Sectarian violence = Civil War

Surge = Escalation

Immigration control = Muslims are scary

Sanctions against Iran = War on Iran is coming

Adding more troops = The draft will be here soon.


Lancet study shows millions would die in Flu epidemic, Conservative thinkers scoff

December 22, 2006

Researching the possibility of a flu pandemic sweeping the globe, the Lancet Medical Journal predicted it was possible that as many as 62 million would die worldwide, most of that number in developing nations.

From the Washington Post:

An influenza pandemic of the type that ravaged the globe in 1918 and 1919 would kill about 62 million people today, with 96 percent of the deaths occurring in developing countries.

That is the conclusion of a study published yesterday in the Lancet medical journal, which uses mortality records kept by governments during the time of “Spanish flu” to predict the effect of a similarly virulent outbreak in the contemporary world.

The analysis, the first of its kind, found a nearly 40-fold difference in death rates between central India, the place with the highest recorded mortality, and Denmark, the country with the lowest. The reason for the huge variation is not known, but it may reflect differences in nutrition and crowding.

If a modern Spanish flu killed all its victims in one year, it would more than double global mortality. About 59 million people now die each year.

“It is a huge, huge number,” said Christopher J.L. Murray, a physician and biostatistician at the Harvard School of Public Health who headed the study. “This really took us by surprise.”

The Lancet had recently made news in 2006 by concluding in a study that more than 600,000 Iraqis had been killed due to the Iraq war. Conservative thinkers, quick to debunk anything from the Lancet, said this study was obviously politically motivated and similarly flawed as it counted people in “developing countries” as “people.”

Based on momentary, factless research, Conservative estimates place the potential death toll of a global flu pandemic at “like 80 or so.”


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