Oklahoma law to hold men accountable for sperm murder

October 9, 2009 by  

OKLAHOMA CITY - A new law set to come into effect on Nov. 1, will require all men in Oklahoma to reveal personal details regarding every sperm that they murder.

“Every year in Oklahoma, a googolplex of sperm die lonely deaths inside socks, in showers and other places,” said Oklahoma spokeswoman Sally Kern. “This holocaust of the unborn must end.”

While the law won’t require men to give out their identities, each day they will be required to fill out a form answering these eight questions:

1. Date of sperm death
2. County in which murder of sperm was performed
3. Age
4. Marital status
5. Race
6. Years of education
7. Address where sperm corpses were left
8. Total number of sperm murdered

The information will be gathered and then State’s Department Of Health, which will then post the collected data on a public website. Proponents of the legislation claim that men should not be concerned over their privacy since no names or “personal information” will be reported.

Men’s groups have tried to fight back, stating that the questions to be asked and reported could easily be used to identify any member of a smaller community.

“Now, everyone will know who masturbates and when,” said a man. “What this issue is truly about is a man’s right to control his own body as he sees fit. It’s a travesty.

“This law is designed to frighten men away from masturbation,” he added.

While the controversial measure will cost $281,285 to implement and $256,285 each subsequent year to maintain, Kern said the cost was unimportant in “the quest to save American babies,” and that she is pleased that the law is going to come into effect soon.

“Do we really want to be silent witnesses to this mass slaughter of undeveloped American citizens?” said Kern. “The answer is no. Men must be held accountable for each and every sperm murdered. One day, tossing millions of innocent lives away in a tissue will be a thing of the past, God willing.”



9 Responses to “Oklahoma law to hold men accountable for sperm murder”

  1. Matt Osborne on October 9th, 2009 10:48 am

    Yes, the tubesock holocaust of Spermatazoan-Americans must end!

  2. The Big Blue Frog on October 9th, 2009 10:57 am

    Every sperm is sacred.

  3. hugh.c.mcbride on October 9th, 2009 12:15 pm

    Who’s got the wrist strength to fill out that many forms?

  4. Michael on October 9th, 2009 12:35 pm

    Sometimes, all I can do is shake my head and mourn the fact that I live in this state. Oklahoma sucks ass. I want that officially put on the record.

  5. hugh.c.mcbride on October 9th, 2009 1:33 pm

    Oklahoma sucks ass. I want that officially put on the record.

    Look on the bright side, Michael — at least y’all are giving the folks in South Carolina a reason to feel a bit better about themselves.

  6. RS Janes on October 9th, 2009 2:34 pm

    Oklahoma is still ahead of Mississippi and Alabama, at least in most national rankings, but you have to admire how quickly they are catching up in pure ignorance and religious stupidity. Thank the Conservapedia Jesus that savvy sophisticates such as Tom Coburn and Jim Inhofe represent you in the Senate — can a colorful governor to match Sarah Palin or Rick Perry be far behind?

  7. shadowlands on October 19th, 2009 3:46 pm

    BUT… but will Oklahoma do the same for sperm whales??????

  8. South Dakota gets longest male masturbation waiting period « Feminism « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on April 5th, 2011 5:52 am

    [...] Opponents say the law forces men to go to Churches that harass them, rather than providing sound advice. They also say the waiting period and the counseling are an undue burden for men who have a constitutional right to masturbate. [...]

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