Messing around with the site

May 31, 2008

For any and all interested, I’m going to be messing around a little bit with the site, trying to make, you know, better. I’m hoping to eventually have a site that will serve you coffee, rub your feet, etc. I’m just about positive I can do this.

Of course, being I suck at this sort of thing, there’s a good chance the site may actually explode. I assume no responsibility for any damage done to your computer or your home should this happen.

So, if you see weird things show up at this site, you have been warned.


Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “My new book ‘I am a Huge Douchenozzle’ is full of lies and written by a disgruntled jerk”

May 29, 2008

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m. in regard to allegations recently made by William K. Wolfrum in his autobiography “I am a Huge Douchenozzle.”

When you’re a popular blogger like myself, you have little choice but to surround yourself with people. Obviously, you look for people you can trust. The one place I didn’t look for trust, however, was in the mirror.

You see, my friends, I knew all along that I was not someone who could be trusted. I knew if some fancy publisher came along and offered me big money, not only would I jump on it, but I would invent things about myself out of whole cloth. That is why I must state, unequivocally that:

I am a lying disloyal, traitorous turncoat.

It wounds me to say these things about myself. Over the years, I’ve grown quite fond of me, and I share many great memories of the time I’ve spent with myself. But upon hearing about the exclusive excerpts of “I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum, I realized that I don’t know myself at all.

Now, I have not read the excerpts in question, but my advisors have said that they are filled with libelous half-truths, fabrications, and vindictiveness. Let there be no doubt that I am not a man to be trusted and should you read an autobiography of me, by me, well, just know that truth will not be a main part of the book.

I choose not to address any of the issues brought up in “Douchenozzle” because that would just be giving credence to my ridiculous and stupid claims. But just let me say this, I will not take these allegations lightly, and I will not rest until the truth is out there.

I have proven to be a lying alcoholic that has done little more than ride the coattails of such successful bloggers as Melissa McEwan and Mustang Bobby. On my own, I am a complete and utter failure. That is why the idea that I would write a “tell all” autobiography about myself is so ridiculous. I was very likely much too drunk for many years to even remember enough information about myself to write a book about myself.

Put simply, “Douchenozzle” is a money grab, plain and simple. And while I haven’t read any of it, you have my word that none of it is true, and that I am a complete sleazebag for writing any of it.

In a way, I blame myself for allowing myself to get so close to myself. But I must take responsibility for my own actions, so really, the blame lies with the author. I trust that I will soon be discredited, and the truth will come forth.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.


Book Excerpt: “I am a Huge Douchenozzle”

May 29, 2008

The following is an exclusive excerpt from my upcoming autobiography “I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum.

Chapter 8

… By this point, I realized that I was allowing others to do my job for me. Always a low-achiever and of below-average intelligence, I never seemed to care about the day-to-day goings on of my blogging. Often, I’d have complete strangers form my opinions for me. It was a sad time for me, and I was truly heartbroken to see someone I admired so much - me - become someone I could barely respect.

One story stands out in particular. I was in the backyard, beating the crap out of a little monkey with an Allen wrench. I had no idea why I was doing this and I was appalled. How had I become this person? Truth be told, I had just recently gotten off the phone with billionaire leftist George Soros, who had offered me $75 to write a blog post about George Allen calling a worker for the James Webb campaign a “macaca.” Somehow, I had gotten the entire message confused, and committed a heinous act of animal cruelty. That’s when I really knew the wheels were falling off. …

… It was later that month when I once again saw my own ineptitude come back to bite me in the ass. Over and over and over and over again. I was wearing a Speedo on a beach in Brazil when I had an idea about a blog post. The problem was, I was on the beach and normally - as was my way - I would delegate the actual writing of the blog to someone else. A lackey, if you will.

Surrounded by only Brazilians that spoke Portuguese, I was forced to speak Portuguese myself to find a ghostwriter for this particular post. Now, I have always made a big deal about my ability to speak Portuguese, going so far as writing entire posts in the language. But the simple fact is I barely speak Portuguese at all. I took a couple classes, learned the swear words and then just strutted around Brazil like a big-shot American. Remember, I’m a huge douchenozzle.

Finally I found someone who worked at the resort where I was vacationing. His name was Pedro, and he was an intelligent, handsome guy of about 27 years of age. I attempted to explain to him my blog post idea and asked him to write about it. It took a lot of explaining and eventually I invited him to dinner to go over the basics of the blog post, and which style I wanted it written in. Again, however, I speak really bad Portuguese …

… I really have no idea while I was still wearing the Speedo while we dined. I was lazy like that. When I went back to his room, I started dictating the blog post to Pedro …

… When I was naked on my back in Pedro’s room, I thought to myself, “This blog post is not turning out the way I thought it would, well, why not roll with it?” …

… Three months later, Pedro and I finally broke up. It was a nice relationship, but I never understood a word he said. About a month after that I learned that his name was really Hans, and that he was a Swedish tourist. I suppose I can live with his deception because he treated me right, but it’s just another example of how my laziness and ineptitude has held me back from larger pursuits …

“I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum is set to be released Aug. 17, 2008.


Coming Soon: “Fear Strikes Out!”

May 28, 2008

This summer, coming to televisions, newspapers, the Internet and radio ads near you, an attack like you’ll have probably felt like you’ve seen before. …

In a world, where fear can only be conquered by being more afraid …

A ragtag group of fear-mongering fascists will do their best to STOP YOU FROM NOT BEING AFRAID!!!!

This summer, be ready for the ultimate in Right-wing entertainment:

Starring George John W. McCain-Bush

Also starring a cast of thousands, including Joe Lieberman, every member of the Kragan family, Bill Kristol and Everyone at Fox News.

With a special cameo by the rotting corpse of Ronald Reagan:

If you plan on seeing through just one propaganda campaign this year, make it this one.


Support the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008″

May 26, 2008

Children are our greatest resource.

Education is our most valuable tool.

The fact that we are not using our greatest resource and most valuable tool to win the Global War on Terrorism is yet more proof that we, as a nation, are a bunch of weak-willed Gumbies.

That is why I hereby propose the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008.”

The U.S. government currently has two programs that are in dire need of modification - the No Child Left Behind Act, and the GI Bill. If these programs are not fixed, quickly and sternly, America will lose this current Global War of Civilizations. This is not acceptable at any cost.

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain has made an astute point in regards to modernizing the current GI Bill - If the U.S. starts offering too much education to veterans, no one will want to be a soldier anymore. McCain envisions a new GI Bill where troops will be forced to “earn” their education dollars by serving longer and longer stints in the military.

“It is important to do that because, otherwise, we will encourage more people to leave the military after they have completed one enlistment,” McCain said.

As for No Child Left Behind, one of its biggest drawbacks has been the fact that it has basically weeded out children that simply are undeserving of an education, as many children have either dropped out or been forced out of schools due to poor grades.

“We Americans can’t afford to have a third or more of our kids not getting through high school — how can we have this?” Colin Powell recently said. “Some places have a 70 percent dropout rate. We can’t have this.”

Mr. Powell’s assessment is absolutely correct. Having such a high dropout rate - and not using it as a way to fight terrorists - is a crime of the highest order and a national shame.

The “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008″ will basically splice the NCLB and the GI Bill together, in a way that will both improve education for veterans, while boosting competition in the nation’s schools. And it will do this while bolstering the armed services, and saving billions of dollars in taxpayer money.

Here, in layperson’s terms, is how the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008″ will work:

- All American children will receive a free education from the U.S. government until the age of eight (8) or through third (3rd) grade.

- Children who finish third grade with a grade-point average of less that 4.0 will be taken out of school, and inducted into the military.

What the No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008 will accomplish:

1) It insures that the U.S. military will have a fresh, eager, young batch of recruits every year to help combat the global swarm of terrorism.

2) It insures that all U.S. schools will meet the strict requirements necessary to continue operation. Within four years, as only children with perfect GPAs will be allowed to be educated, more and more schools can be combined, with the unused schools being made into barracks for the Department of Homeland Security’s new “Kid Corps.”

Then, for each year of service to his country, the child will receive three months of government-sponsored education. This educational benefit can be accrued for up to 40 years.

For example: An 8-year-old finishes third grade with a GPA of 3.8. As a failure, the child is then transfered from the school to the “Kids Corps” division of the U.S. military. After just 40 years of service, that child can then retire from the military at age 48 and go back to school, for a full 10 years. The end result is that underachieving 8-year-old will, 50 years later, be a 58-year-old high-school graduate that has served 10 enlistments fighting terrorists.

Additional Benefits:

1) In keeping with the success of faith-based programs, military educational benefits can only be used at such quality schools as Bob Jones University, Oral Roberts University, Brigham Young University, Steve’s School of Scientology, etc. This will guarantee that our soldier/students will receive wholesome educations following their decades of duty, thus easing them back into society, ready for a career in the service industry.

2) Those already in the military will receive no additional educational benefits, and in fact have their current benefits taken away. This will help keep the nation’s military strong, as experienced soldiers will have little recourse but to continue re-enlisting until they retire, or are killed in service to their country. This will also save an immense amount of tax payer money.

3) When the act is made into law, children over the age of eight will be forced to take a test. Failure of this test will mean the students, regardless of age, will be transfered to the “Kid Corps.”

4) Should a child ever see his or her GPA drop below 4.0, they will be immediately transferred to the “Kid Corps,” again leaving our grade schools and high schools filled with only the best of the best.

The United States is a nation at war. And this is no normal war, it is an indefinable war of civilizations against an enemy that’s willing to use any advantage it can to destroy us all and feast on our entrails while we’re still alive. They have the know-how and the will. The only question is when they will strike. When will these bloodthirsty terrorists decide to band together as one and force us all into a lifetime of slavery and death? This is a question we just don’t have time to answer, educational needs be damned.

That is why the time is now for the “No Child Left Behind From War Act of 2008.” NCLBFWA2008 will take our nation’s greatest resources and tools, combine them, and create an unbeatable fighting machine of children, adults and the elderly. And when the time comes for those that served to be rewarded, they will receive the education they deserve and that we can afford.


Life is good

May 24, 2008

Life is good.

Sitting in my Mom’s room as she peacefully sleeps, more than ever I’m struck with that simple thought. Life is good.

Obviously, the main reason I have that on my mind is due to my Mom’s remarkable progress through her bone marrow transplant. This morning, her white cell count was 4.6. Her platelets have raised to the point that they are now in the normal zone. And to make it even better, after 14 days quarantined in her hospital room, today she was allowed to leave the room and walk around a little bit.

The battle is by no means won, but it is being won. And it was a glorious day, just as yesterday was, and just as tomorrow will be.

Even more than that, however, is the fact that you can’t go through an experience like this without being fundamentally affected. In five months, there has just been so much to appreciate and to find encouragement from. And it has all led to the most basic conclusion.

Life is good.

I think about all those in our lives who have done so much to be a part of my Mom’s fight against leukemia. This has been, and will continue to be a story with many players, with all roles having importance.

I remember a woman named Laura Molina, driving 100 miles to be a part of our bone marrow drive because she had lost someone dear to her and coming to our drive was part of her healing process.

I remember the first time I spoke to Pat Conlee from the National Bone Marrow Program, and that her first instinct was to be a friend.

I remember everyone who showed up at the bone marrow drive, and how the day became one of positivity and of the joy of life.

And the Shakers and other Internet friends, who have given me and my family so much love from all over the globe.

There was the recent day when my parents’ old friends came to visit my Mom, and afterward watching their eyes light up when they discussed their trip to New York City.

Because life is good.

I think of a good man who I’ve never met in person - Emru Townsend - who is also battling leukemia. After three tries to get into remission, he’s still not there. But that hasn’t stopped him and his sister from working tirelessly toward trying to educate people about the bone marrow registry and its importance, especially to those of African heritage. Emru and Tamu have saved lives.

And I think of the amazing and kind people here at the City of Hope, from doctors to nurses to those that clean the floors. They all help in the healing process.

And our long-time friends Stan and Virginia, who have opened their home and hearts to us.

And the squirrel that took a peanut from my hand the other day. And the bunnies in my parent’s backyard. And Max, Jack, Duchess, Afonso and Harry and all the other animals I adore.

I think of my boss and friend Mark, who just today saw his third child come into the world.

And of a 48-year-old man, whose giving spirit is giving my Mom the chance to enjoy her life, her husband, kids, grandkids and great-grandchild for many more years to come.

I think of my family, and how we’ve laughed, cried and grown closer than ever.

And I think of my wife. My beautiful Emilia, who has helped me become a man and who has only offered my Mom encouragement and love and has supported and pushed for me to be at my family’s side even though it has meant 12 weeks away from her.

And, of course, there’s my Mom, who has endured so much and is coming through it all. Again. Death has stared her right in the face, and she has been relentless in her fight to live.

Because life is good.

We are a different breed. We care about our country and want freedom for all. We want equality. And it affects us greatly when we see so much that’s bad with the world. But even when politics, personal lives, war, sexism, homophobia and all the other things we despise get us down or anger us, we should never forget that there is a glorious world out there.

Life is good. It is worth fighting for. And more than that, it is worth living and enjoying. We are all miracles, incredible creatures that have been given the ability to enjoy all the good that life can bring. But as I’ve found, even the bad times can give you strength, perspective and even joy.

We are complicated creatures, we humans. But we have been given the ability to enjoy all the great things that life has to offer. And the greatest of these things is love. And the love we’ve felt from all of you has been immense and overwhelming. And it has proven, without a shadow of a doubt, that life truly is good.

Thank you all, so very much, for being a part of this journey with me.

With love,


At least there’s Harry

May 21, 2008

Oh baby bunny, in my parent’s backyard
Looking so yummy and so not hard
How I want to love you and pet your soft fur

And pick you up and rub you all over my body
And feed you carrots and tell you stories
And make you feel safe and cuddly

Then pick you up and rub you all over my body again

With love

But alas, simple bunny, you cannot see my heart
I would never harm you in any way
But you don’t know that and run away
We can never be, because you scurry

But at least there’s Harry

The furry, happy dog of the neighbors
that loves everybody, without a worry

My friend Harry


Osama bin Laden threatened us! Why isn’t the government terrorizing us!!

May 17, 2008

Looking through the Los Angeles Times recently, I noticed something that terrified me to the very core. Osama bin Laden has threatened Israel and its allies.

“We will continue our struggle against the Israelis and their allies,” Bin Laden said in the 10-minute audio released to coincide with Israel’s 60th anniversary and as President Bush was wrapping up his visit there. “We are not going to give up an inch of the land of Palestine.”

Now, this isn’t what frightened me. What truly chilled my bones was this - it was on page B6!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?? Osama bin Laden has just threatened to obliterate every last man, woman, child and cute little bunny on the planet, and we can’t even get it on the front page??


Listen, I have a seven-year-old nephew. All he knows in life is that when Osama bin Laden says something, it’s on the news 24/7, he shits himself for four straight days, hides in the closet for another two days, then he gathers up enough courage to go down and spit on the front lawn of the Indian family who lives down the street. Why? Because he’s American and that’s all he knows. Bin Laden talks, he shits, hides and spits in the vicinity of someone who looks vaguely terrorist-ish.

But now, on Israel’s 60th anniversary, bin Laden, talks smack and we’re all acting like it’s no big whoop. My nephew is totally head-fucked now. He doesn’t know what to do. Hell, the Indian family down the street from him are even confused.

Listen, when Osama bin Laden speaks, I expect my leaders to go bonkers-shit insane and start screaming about wars of civilizations, disembowelments and how Islam is the religion of death. I expect the Homeland Security to create a separate Homeland Security just to protect the original Homeland Security. I expect the terror-alert system to be cranked up to Mauve (“Incomprehensible Terrorist Threat”). I expect the Patriot Act to be tripled in size and voted through before anyone reads it. I expect Muhammad Ali to be hung by his balls.


I want President Bush to stand if front of the White House holding Barney and tell the American public that everything’s NOT going to be OK, and we’re all fucked and that the evil IslamoDogEaters will devour each and every dog you love. And I want him to mispronounce “devour” and then smirk and say something like “Ride ‘em Cowboy.” Then we can all feel just that much better about the $700 Trillion we’ve spent to buy Iraq for Exxon.

This is bullshit, I tell you, grade-A bullshit. If there is one thing I demand from my leaders, it’s consistency. And since Sept. 11, 2001, if Osama bin Laden has so much as farted, every right-wing pundit reads the Book of Revelations out loud. Hell, I’m willing to bet the private companies that run interrogation for the U.S. these days are barely torturing their captives any more than normal right now.

This country has been run by one simple premise for the past seven years - if Osama bin Laden, or even someone who sounds like Osama bin Laden, says something, we as a nation take a huge steaming crap of terror because our leaders demand it of us.

If we can’t count on our leaders to scare the shit out of us every time bin Laden does anything, pretty soon, we’ll be ignoring him outright. And then, Iran will have won. It’s as simple as that.

So for the love of all that’s holy, let’s get on it. Fox News, write up some new “Osama Speaks” music that sounds threatening. Replay the Twin Towers falling on a continuous loop, only interspersed with occasional clips of Saddam Hussein, bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Michael Moore. Whatthefuckever. Just. Do. Something. To. Frighten. Us.

A great opportunity to be terrified, put Reynolds Wrap on our windows, and hide in the cellar eating franks and beans from a can has passed us right by. We can’t live like this. Fuck, my nephew is actually starting to look at the Indian family down the street like they’re humans. He’s only seven for Chrissakes, how will he ever learn to dehumanize billions and billions of people if we just ignore random Osama bin Laden tapes?

This nation’s going right down the shitter, I tell you.


Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I will refine your milkshake”

May 14, 2008

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

As an American, I’m always on the lookout for endeavors that would be considered heroic. This is generally easy enough because any and all American endeavors are heroic, by definition. But this time, I see that the country is in need, and I will fill that need.

You see, recently, President George W. Bush has stated several hundred times that there have been no new oil refineries built since 1976 and that America could really use some new ones. Bush never points out that no one has offered to build a refinery since 1976, but such lapses are to be accepted from the President, who is busy with other activities such as not golfing.

This is where I will heroically step in. I will build an oil refinery.

Now sure, there will be naysayers, saying nay, as they are prone to do. But I am serious about this. Some may look at my record and see that I have no experience in the oil industry, no knowledge of engineering, and have even failed miserably in attempts to build simple models of sports cars and the such. But I am an American. And everything an American sets out to do can be done.

This project will by no means be simple. However, having recently seen the film “There Will Be Blood,” I feel I have the gist of the oil industry. To put it in layperson’s terms, there’s a lot of milkshake out there that needs some refining. And I plan on refining the holy hell out of it.

I will need help, of course. Primarily I’ll need one of those no-bid government contracts. For say, $300 billion, to start. And if we could make it one of those cost-plus deals, well, that would be just great.

But I’ll also need help from many other Americans. This is the beauty of my plan. Not only will I build a refinery, I will put Americans to work. Because I’d have to assume I’d need a lot of workers to build an oil refinery. Welders, especially. That just seems like a no brainer. Lots of welding needed to build a refinery.

In the end, I envision one hell of an oil refinery. People will bring me oil, all crude and disheveled, and I will refine it. And people will say “Wow, that sure is some refined oil. That sure was a great idea to build an oil refinery. Especially after Exxon, Shell, BP, etc., refused to build one since 1976.”

So my friends, I hope you work with me on this massive project that will save America. Together, we can build a refinery that will have Americans paying $.50 a gallon at the pump and a good steak will only cost a nickel. All because of my refinery.

I have already begun the planning stages for the refinery, and have found the perfect location for it, which you can see by clicking here.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.


Crossposted at Shakesville

Book Excerpt: “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade”

May 12, 2008

Below is an exclusive except from my upcoming book “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade” which will be released in the Fall of the year I finish it and published by the publishing company that wins the inevitable bidding war.

Chapter 4
Fascism is not a four-letter word

It was the mid-1930s when Adolf Hitler jauntily strolled through Vienna with genocide in his heart and loving on his mind. Hitler had just taken to wearing the minuscule mustache that would eventually become his trademark. Then known as the Hafenhagenstache (Half-Weasel Mustache), Young Adolf was but following the current craze. At the time, the smaller a man’s mustache and the more perfectly centered it was a sign of virility. Gossip magazines of the time were full of pictures of young men with facial hair that barely covered the philtrum, with such captions as “Guten Gott, das dude gottan gam” (“Good God that dude’s got game.”)

Ironically, it was Hitler himself (who, despite lamentations to the opposite, was not a Fascist but a social Democrat in the mold of Ted Kennedy and Sean Penn) who laid waste to the Hafenhagenstach. Because while the mustache itself was guilty of no crimes whatsoever, it’s proximity to the genocidal dictator who kick-started World War II made the Hafenhagenstach strictly “verboten” (Not cool).

Such is the situation with the word Fascism. According to Wikipedia: “In contemporary political discourse, the term fascist is often used by adherents of some ideologies as a pejorative description of their opponents.”

This is unfortunate, as many great Americans, including Prescott Bush were, in fact, Fascists. Thus the great name of Bush has been sullied by a simple word. Keep in mind, the word “Fascism” has committed no crime, and only gets a bad rap due to its association with bad Fascists, such as Mussolini, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore.

This creates a conundrum of sorts. The United States of America is now a kick-ass Fascist state, yet everyone is utterly mortified at actually using the word “Fascism.” This is not something that should be a problem, however. One need only look at the Hafenhagenstach. After the Hafenhagenstach was sullied by Hitler, new facial hair styles came into being that took its place, while implying the same thing. The handle-bar mustache, mutton chops and the “Amish Look” have all ascended to take the place of the Hafenhagenstach. One look at a person with mutton chops, a person can quickly make two oft-accurate assumptions - One, the dude can party, and two, the dude is undoubtedly a kick-ass Fascist.

For Fascism to become “Non-Verboten (Not Not Cool), it simply needs a rebranding of sorts. Basically, a name change is demanded. Some examples of potential name changes include “Americanism,” “Patriotism,” or “MileyCyrusism.”

Watch how easily this works, by looking at the definition of Fascism at Merriam-Webster:

Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

See how bad that sounds? Now let’s try it a different way:

MileyCyrusism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Much better. After all, how can anything associated with the adorable Miley Cyrus be bad? Americans are by no means ready to be known as Fascists. But being known as MileyCyrusists is something that would quickly catch on, allowing Americans to feel more comfortable being part of a current American system that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

To help prove this point, the archaic and misunderstood word “Fascism” will be replaced with “MileyCyrusism” for the remainder of this chapter.


The 10 Steps of MileyCyrusism

Author and journalist Naomi Wolf created a stir when she chronicled America’s move to MileyCyrusism in the article “(MileyCyrusist) America, in 10 easy steps.” Once again, semantics trumped reality. Because while Wolf was not incorrect in her assessment, her verbiage left much to be desired. Mileycyrusism was once again painted as some horrifying futuristic nightmare, as opposed to the fact that it’s a current reality in the United States. But think about it. If you live in the U.S., you are currently a MileyCyrusist. Do you feel any different? Probably not, because you’ve come to accept your position in life, and there’s a Wal-Mart right around the corner where you can not only get a job as a greeter, but you can get Ramen and sweatshop-made sneakers for little more than eight hours work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Basically, MileyCyrusism ain’t so bad. But according to Wolf, the way the U.S. has gotten to this point has been through an awful barrage of events. But it’s all just semantics. Take a look at the “10 Steps toward (MileyCyrusism)” and you’ll see how much words matter, and how things may not be quite as bad as you may think. First, I will show you how Wolf described each point, then I will show you how a true MileyCyrusist should interpret these steps:


1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
2. Create a gulag
3. Develop a thug caste
4. Set up an internal surveillance system
5. Harass citizens’ groups
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
7. Target key individuals
8. Control the press
9. Dissent equals treason
10. Suspend the rule of law

It all sounds so threatening the way Wolf puts it. But if you take away the partisan spin, you’ll see that these 10 steps toward MileyCyrusism are truly positive:


1. We’re good. They’re evil
2. Emphasize resort living
3. Employ the strong
4. Keep an eye on things
5. Keep open dialog with the people
6. Catch and release in fishing = good. Catch and realease with people = Great!
7. Celebrate individuality
8. Work toward making a stronger media
9. You can’t smile if you’re complaining
10. What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? MileyCyrusism in Action!

You see? We’ve moved toward MileyCyrusism with nothing but good intentions. And now that we’ve achieved nearly complete MileyCyrusism in the United States, it’s truly self-defeating to fear admitting it to ourselves and others. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the history of history. Now is not the time to cringe and whimper over semantics. So stand strong and tall and announce to the world “I am a MileyCyrusist!” You’ll feel better, and more attuned to reality.

Coming Soon: Chapter 5: Why IslamoMileyCyrusists aren’t real MileyCyrusists.


Report: Faith-Based Initiatives sending Americans straight to Hell

May 4, 2008

HELL — Despite a commitment to “Faith-Based” programs, a new report from St. John’s University shows that there are more Americans going to hell than ever before. In a retroactive study, the report shows that new U.S. entries into Hell have shot up more than 2,000 percent over the past seven years alone.

“This is just fucking awesome,” said Satan in a telephone interview.

The report breaks down the reasons for those being spent to Hades, with Pride and Greed ranking as the top two. The report also takes a look at personality types who have been sent straight to Hell over the past seven years, with “Dittoheads” and “Torture Apologists” being the most popular new members. Satan said it’s been a boom time in Hades.

“We’ve been growing by leaps and bounds,” said Satan, taking a brief respite from gorging on the entrails of Milton Friedman. “We’ve been expanding like never before.”

Satan went on to add that Halliburton has received the majority of the expansion contracts, most coming through a no-bid process.

“They really know what their doing and are the only company I can see that has the ability to make the changes we need,” said Satan.

Many believed that the emergence of “Faith-Based” programs, as instituted by U.S. President George W. Bush, would eventually slow entrances to Hell to a crawl. Instead, it’s been a virtual stampede. Some experts have claimed, however, that such a result was easy to predict.

“Let’s see, No Child Left Behind leaves behind children, the $6-billion Reading First program has left more children unable to read, abstinence-only programs have led to higher teen pregnancy rates, etc., etc.,” said a despondent Jesus Christ from a bar in Sacramento, Calif. “I’m pretty sure if the Bush Administration started a ‘Nipple Protection’ program, the U.S. would be a nipple-less society inside of six months.”

Still, while more and more Americans face up to an eternity of Hellfire, there have been some positive results. Notably, shares of Infernus Industries have risen more than 300 percent over the past quarter alone.

“Seriously, this has just been fucking fantastic,” said Satan.


“We aren’t allowed to drill for oil” and other right-wing lies about gas prices

May 4, 2008

Truth and right-wing talking points generally go together like oil and water. Especially when the talking points are actually about oil. Because like most other right-wing talking points, the most common ones simply are not true.

Americans are getting gouged by high gas prices.


From CNNMoney:

Relatively low taxes have kept pump prices far below most other developed nations, which some say is precisely why the current runup is so painful.
Despite daily headlines bemoaning record gas prices, the U.S. is actually one of the cheaper places to fill up in the world.

Out of 155 countries surveyed, U.S. gas prices were the 45th cheapest, according to a recent study from AIRINC, a research firm that tracks cost of living data.

The difference is staggering. As of late March, U.S. gas prices averaged $3.45 a gallon. That compares to over $8 a gallon across much of Europe.

So why does a price rise at the pump hurt Americans? Because we use more.

On a per capita basis, Americans use three times more oil than Europeans, he said. That means Americans are more exposed to rising gas prices than their counterparts across the Atlantic.

“There has not been a single new refinery built in America since 1976.”

[Read more]

Oscar De La Hoya beats Stevie Forbes and looks old doing it

May 3, 2008

Oscar De La Hoya cruised to a unanimous decision over Stevie Forbes in Los Angeles on Saturday night. For De La Hoya, that’s the good news. The bad news is this - if he steps in against anyone less limited than Forbes, he could be in big trouble.

Showing little more than aggression, a good work pace and a strong left jab, De La Hoya cruised past Forbes in a fight he should have won by knockout. Forbes, a former Contender titlist, is a decent enough fighter,but has very little power. Still, De La Hoya ended the fight with bruises under both eyes.

De La Hoya has been good for boxing, and will continue to be, both with his rematch with Floyd Mayweather, and with his Golden Boy Promotions. But his time as a top fighter is over. Mayweather has boasted he’ll stop De La Hoya next time around, and it’s likely he will.

De La Hoya deserves respect for his career. He’s by no means an all-time great, but anyone who has fought the level of fighters he has deserves respect. Nonetheless, against Forbes, De La Hoya looked, and fought like an older fighter. His power is negligible and he was accurate with only his jab.


Thank you, 48-year-old Man

May 1, 2008

Dear 48-year-old Man,

I’m writing to you to say thank you. I know nothing about you. Not where you live, not your name, not anything. But you are my hero and someone I’ll always be thankful to. Because you are my Mom’s bone marrow donor and because you are saving the life of a woman you’ve never met and maybe never will.

When we were told my Mom had Acute Myleoid Leukemia, we were told that a bone marrow transplant may be my Mom’s best hope. It seems so scary at the time. Getting chemo to go into remission, finding a matching donor, going through all the tests to find out if my Mom was ready for the procedure.

But now, my Mom is undergoing chemo and radiation treatment in order to prepare for the transplant. She’s at City of Hope Hospital, where she’s staying with my Dad in a bungalow on hospital grounds. Tomorrow, they will go home for a night, even.

My Dad asked the doctor in charge of my Mom’s marrow transplant if he felt confident about the procedure. “We wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t confident,” the doctor said. And right now, with my Mom feeling strong and the transplant day soon approaching, we’re all feeling that confidence. This marrow transplant is going to work, and the reward for my Mom will be years of life that she never would have gotten without the transplant.

So, my friend, thank you. Wherever you are and whoever you are, you are my hero. You are a perfect match with my Mom, and it seems you never hesitated when you learned you could save a stranger’s life. And by doing that, you are helping an entire family, their friends and loved ones. You are truly giving the gift of life, and we are all more touched and happy and confident than we imagined we could be. With the date of the transplant still a week away, your gift has already given us so much, and will give us so much more in the very near future.

Thank you, 48-year-old Man. Thank you so, so much.

Bill Wolfrum and Family

[If anyone wants to join the bone marrow donor registry or would like to find out how to help people in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, please click here.]

Deadspin’s Will Leitch stands tall to swearing old dude

May 1, 2008

On Costas Now, H.G. “Buzz” Bissinger, author of the book Friday Night Lights, made it very clear that sports blogs are an obscene atrocity. And did it all while repeatedly swearing.

In the segment, Will Leitch of Deadspin does a fine job at making Bissinger - who’s really not that old and is actually a perfect example of the modern print sportswriter - look like a man desperately trying to hang on to a dying media - the newspapers. And Leitch did it with class, unlike Bissinger.

“I’m not the future,” Bissinger said.

Which is really all that need to be said.

Take a look at the video at Deadspin here.


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