Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Disagreeing with Obama does not make me racist”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, over the years you have been by my side through many dramatic events. You have had my back during the good times and bad, and I appreciate that, but now I need you more than ever.

You see, currently there are a number of politically correct haters out there that have taken to calling me a racist. This attack on my character must not go unanswered. Because I am as far from a racist as you will ever meet. I only object with the policies of President Barack Obama.

Like when I sent out that e-mail portraying all the U.S. Presidents and portrayed Obama as two big eyes in a black box. In that circumstance, I was protesting Obama’s foreign policy decisions.

Or then there was that time I sent out that mass e-mail stating that “n[*****] rigs” should now be called “presidential solutions.” Obviously, that e-mail was directed at Obama’s socialist cash-for-clunkers program.

Or the time I created “Obama Bucks” to showcase my distaste for his economic decisions.

Or like when I took a few shots at his daughter Malia, or played “Barack the Magic Negro” on an endless loop, or compared Obama or his wife to gorillas, or called him “boy,” or joked about how he hates working white people.

Obviously all of the above come from my dismay over Obama’s health care reform plans. To see racism is to be politically correct to the nth degree.

So, my friends, I hope you stand by me. As we all know, I don’t have one racist bone in my body. I’m just a policy wonk who does his best to get real issues on the table. And, really, it’s not like these coy little literary devices that I and many Republicans use could have any type of negative effect.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

-WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I Shall Torture with More Humanity”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, my history as a torturer has been well chronicled. I remain unapologetic for my actions. I have done whatever necessary to protect myself, my family and my fellow bloggers. As we are all aware, sometimes difficult times require not only difficult decisions, but also the ability to use difficult-to-handle tools such as drills and vice grips.

Nonetheless, civil liberty types have made it clear that, on occasion, these acts of torture against my blood-thirsty, inhuman enemies have crossed moral guidelines. I have heard these complaints, and I am deeply moved by how some have such deep caring for the hateful, Godless animals that oppose me.

With this in mind, I have set forth a new plan of attack. Yes, I will continue to torture the pig-dogs that oppose me. But I will do so in a more humane way. I will torture with compassion.

First off, I will continue to abduct my soulless enemies and drag them here to Brazil in order to humanely torture them. But there will be more stringent guidelines. I will now closely monitor the pain I deliver to these psychotic monsters. I believe this will satisfy those who have criticized me.

Also, I hereby announce a full investigation of torture that has occurred under my name. You see, with so many disgusting swine out there for me to torture, I sometimes have to outsource. And on occasion, I have outsourced this torture to rogues who have gone too far. I shall investigate these incidents. While my lawyers have made it clear that I have every right to maim and cripple the disgusting vermin that oppose me, these small-time renegades that have pushed the envelope and practiced improper torture techniques. They will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

My friends, we are living in a time of change. A time of compassion. A time when we all need to come together. Because of this, I will take the steps necessary to torture properly, under the stringent guidelines that the U.S. has set forth. Throughout my history, I have been an International proponent for human rights and have voiced opposition to torture and mistreatment of prisoners by foreign countries. This is why I shall now torture with the humanity that my enemies clearly don’t deserve.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

-WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I hereby quit being a blogger so that I may be a better blogger”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, when I became a blogger, I did so with a certainty of purpose. I believed that it was my sworn duty to uphold and protect the important values of the blogosphere. And since I became a blogger, I have had one success after another, making me one of the most important bloggers in the known universe.

Which is exactly why I’m quitting.

You see, I am a man of strong moral convictions, and I believe that as of this moment, the Blogotics of Destruction have taken away from my first priority - which, of course, is blogging. But for far too long, paid operatives have made it their mission to destroy me. Over the years, I have been hit with repeated attacks on my own character, which include people calling me a “loser,” or saying that I “suck,” or calling me a “douchebag.”

Well, this blog has spent countless minutes and 10s of dollars fighting these accusations, and it has driven down the output that I am known for. But I have bounced back from each attack. Thus, I quit.

But let’s not think of this as quitting. Let’s think of it as a bold move by a bold man who is willing to take a bold step. For while I am quitting blogging, I utterly refuse to quit blogging. I will continue on. For I am not a quitter. I am a fighter. It’s like when you go fishing: Sometimes you catch a lot of fish, sometimes you don’t. And sometimes your boat sinks. I think this explains why I must quit.

Now some may point to improprieties in my past. These are slanderous half-truths and vicious innuendos that must be dismissed. People have said that I’m “lazy” and “self-absorbed.” They’ve called me a “narcissist only worried about myself.” They’ve accused me of “exposing myself in public” and “robbing a 7-11 in Anaheim” and other such nonsense. I am not the type to back down from these false accusations and will fight them with every ounce of my strength. Which I why I must quit.

If I may use a sports analogy: This is like boxing, where one fighter gets hit in the nose repeatedly and finally quits. Well, I am not the type of blogger who would do such a thing. So I must quit.

In the end, all I ask is that you trust me on this one. Because I will always be a blogger and will continue blogging for the good of this country. This is why I must quit.

Thank you and I have retained counsel in this matter.”

-WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Gay Rights must appeal to all voting-aged Americans”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, we are living in progressive times and being led by a progressive leader. In fact, President Barack Obama is so progressive, he constantly reaches his hand out to non-progressives, even if he generally only pulls back a bloody stump.

But Obama’s almost maddening need to reach bipartisan consensus on many issues means that results are right around the corner. Nowhere is this more evident than in the fight for gay civil rights. Obama - knowing America is a diverse nation - has simultaneously called gays and lesbians pedophiles, as well as calling himself a fierce advocate for gay rights. And while many feel that by playing both sides of the fence, Obama is destined to leave everyone displeased, I believe the exact opposite is true.

Because gay rights is a very sticky political issue, and it would be crazy for Obama to adopt the far-left platform on them. It would likely be even crazier if he even did what he said he’d do when he was but a candidate for President. But this should not be a problem for the President. By appealing to all voting-aged Americans on the gay civil rights issue, Obama can make all voting-aged Americans happy and more liberated.

In the end, it will all have to break down to percentages. Due to the vast array of opinions on these issues, this will give gays and lesbians the most politically feasible civil rights they can ever hope for in a nation like the United States. Going over public opinion, I have created a basic framework for how Obama can give a percentage of gays and lesbians the rights they deserve, while giving civil rights opponents the opportunities to hate that they so cherish:

Gay Civil Rights By The Numbers

70 percent of all gays and lesbians will be allowed to have civil unions with same-sex partners.

60 percent of all gays and lesbians will be allowed to have same-sex marriages.

50 percent of all gay and lesbian marriages or civil unions will be respected by other states.

40 percent of all gays and lesbians in the military will be allowed to honestly disclose their sexuality without being fired.

30 percent of all gay and lesbian couples will be allowed to adopt.

25 percent of all gays and lesbians will be protected by Anti-discrimination laws.

20 percent of all gays and lesbians will not be allowed to use public restrooms.

10 percent of all gays and lesbians will be forced to accept angry homophobes screaming “faggot” right in their faces.

8 percent of all gays and lesbians will be forced to accept physical violence against them by angry, violent homophobes.

3 percent of all gays and lesbians will be allowed to be murdered by angry, violent, psychopathic homophobes.

As you can see, this comprehensive list of new gay civil rights will appeal to all Americans, from the 60 percent that favor gay marriage, to the three percent of Americans who want to kill gays and lesbians. At first blush, this list may seem unfair to gays and lesbians, but gay civil rights is not about actual gays and lesbians - its about Barack Obama’s favorability numbers. By appealing to all Americans on gay civil rights, Obama will continue his reign as a popular president who is willing to reach across any aisle, or throw any of his supporters under the bus.

In the end, we will see if the percentage plan passes through Congress. If it does, then Obama needs to follow the same blueprint in his battle for healthcare. One could easily envision a scenario of allowing 50 percent of all uninsured Americans die (which would cut the number of uninsured Americans in half) while giving insurance companies 100 percent of profits (which would make lobbyists happy.)

We will see how it all plays out. But what’s most important is that Obama stays away from doing things on “principle” or avoids his own personal “morality.” In a complex nation like the U.S., such things are just words. What matters is that Obama does whatever it takes to make all voting-aged Americans happy when it comes to gay civil rights. We can all worry about how actual gays and lesbians feel about it all later. Because one day, a leader will come forward that believes more in civil rights than in votes. And we know that day won’t come for at least another four years.

Thank you and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

-WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Both sides must stop killing each other”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, during these tough political times, we have seen acts that must be condemned. From the murder of Dr. George Tiller to things that the far left has done, it is time for Americans of all persuasions to stop these horrible acts of violence and to focus on the things that we can agree upon.

As President Barack Obama so sagely noted ‘However profound our differences as Americans over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence.’

Of course, Obama himself is often a lightning rod for controversy and bad feelings. But in regard to our president, it’s vital both sides avoid concocting plans to murder him. Because now is the time for both sides to put down their weapons and meet in an atmosphere of constructive dialogue.

This is why on issues like abortion, both sides of the aisle must resolve their issues peacefully and intellectually. And both sides must avoid murdering anyone.

We must come together as one and calmly accept that ours is a culture than constantly evolves. And both sides must resist murdering partygoers because they feel the culture has gotten out of control.

We must come together when it comes to discussing political ideologies, and do so in a mature manner. And both sides must avoid murdering entire families to prove their points.

Also, with the issue of gay marriage gaining traction, both sides must commit to not acting out violently against, or murdering gays, lesbians and transvestites.

This same line of thinking must be used when discussing the always polarizing issue of race. We find ourselves in a time where discussion can bridge the gap between races in the U.S. But these issues cannot be discussed validly unless both sides come together and promise to stop tying black men to the back of their truck and dragging him to death.

We also must not be afraid that our right to bear arms will not be taken away. There is room for discussion on this volatile issue, but that discussion cannot be held if both sides insist on murdering police officers.

My friends, we are living in a dangerous time. A time when competing ideologies threatens us all. We must all take responsibility, including those that speak out as pundits for their ideologies. It is time that pundits both left and right agreed that stoking controversy can lead to bloodshed.

More than anything, both left and right must accept their culpability. Because both sides have recklessly advocated violent behavior. And this must end. Because, in the end, both left and right could be responsible for the largest murder in U.S. history.

In the end, we Americans are in far more danger of dying at the hands of another American, rather than an anti-American terrorist. This is why both sides of the political spectrum must stop killing each other, however profound our differences.

Thank you for your time, and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

-WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I mean no offense”

William K. Wolfrum released this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, due to the current whirlwind of controversy surrounding me, I find it necessary to speak out once and for all.

I am an honest, hard-working man with strong convictions. Nonetheless, I find it necessary to alert people to one important fact - I mean no offense to anyone.

I fully understand that many people have taken umbrage with my stance on gay marriage issues. I have made it clear that my deeply held convictions make it impossible for me to support gay marriage. These same convictions have led me to fight for constitutional amendments outlawing gay marriage, not allowing gays to congregate, vote or be anywhere near children. I also support forcibly relocating all homosexuals and their allies to the vast expanses of Wyoming.

But these are just my beliefs. I mean no offense.

I also understand that many have been outraged with my stances regarding the African-American community. But I am a strict constitutionalist who believes that the U.S. Constitution - in its original form - is the greatest document in the history of mankind and should be followed explicitly, just like the Bible. So my beliefs that blacks should only count as 60 percent of a human and that slavery should be allowed are based on historical interests and love of country.

But just know I mean no offense.

Also, some liberal interest groups and pro-immigration organizations have taken me to task for what they call my “radical” beliefs in regard to Mexico. However, recent studies have shown that a strong minority of Americans believe that Mexico should be domed and then gassed. My beliefs on this issue are all based on national and economic security, and such so-called “radical” actions would improve the lives of all real Americans.

So you must know that I mean no offense.

There are myriad other controversies that have been created by my many vociferous detractors. My belief that all women who have an abortion or miscarry should be executed, for instance. Or my belief that the Muslim world would cooperate better with civilized humanity if Islamic nations such as Iran were put on a steady diet of tactical nuclear weapons. Or my belief that Scientology is the one true religion and all that have differing religious views should be exterminated with malice. Or that Adolf Hitler, for all his purported flaws, was a leader of great vision and artistic ability.

But, my friends, we live in a free country. I believe that fact is often ignored by those who send me death threats. They are infringing on my First Amendment right to speak about my beliefs. I am being censored for holding alternative views, and this is as un-American an act as can be perpetrated.

I thank all of you for standing by me during these difficult times where I am being victimized for my beliefs. But I will defend myself using any means necessary from those that would take away my ability to believe as I chose. No offense.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Now is the time for reflection”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, I have long taken responsibilities for my actions. Despite this, many have come after me for purely political reasons. And while I understand that in the political sphere there are often skirmishes that can’t be avoided. Nonetheless, now is not the time for retribution. Now is the time for reflection.

Yes, it is time to reflect on some of my past actions. It’s time to reflect upon the time I was in that car chase for going 120 mph in my Honda Civic on the 60 Freeway in Pomona, Calif. Trust me, I have long reflected on how my car spun out of control after hitting the strip of nails the CHP laid out in the freeway to stop me. And it’s time to reflect how I somehow got away.

It’s time to reflect on that liquor store I robbed at gunpoint in Laughlin, Nev. I often reflect on the look of fear on the clerks face as I ripped $83.75 out of the cash register. And even now I reflect on whether the clerk defecated himself out of fear, or if that was pure adrenaline I smelled.

And now, more than ever, it’s time to reflect on that guy I shot dead during a routine heroin deal in Calexico, Calif. It’s time to reflect on the fact that, yes, if you short me, I will, in fact, shoot you in the head, then travel to Mexico to kill your family, your dog, your church and then burn your house down. But let us not look back in anger.

More than anything, however, it’s time to reflect on that time I abducted a family of four and, shoved cashews under their fingernails, attached electrodes to their genitals and then slammed them against the wall until they were unconscious. Just because I could. Let’s all sit back and reflect on that for a moment.

My friends, this is not a time for retribution. It’s a time for reflection. It is not a time to use our energy and our time in looking back, and in a sense of anger and retribution. We have a lot to do to protect America. And to come after me now would only increase the partisan chasm in this great nation of ours.

Can I say that I will never commit these actions again? Of course not. I am what I am, and it will definitely happen again, just as soon as I feel confident I can get away with it again. There will be more victims, whose lives will be ruined by my tyrannical actions. But take my word for it, these people deserve it, and in my own way, I have made America a safer place. To turn these issues into a partisan witch-hunt would only damage the national psyche and strengthen our enemies.

So let’s look forward. Not too far forward, of course. Say, six months. Ok, three. Let’s all look forward toward a three-month period of peace, understanding and non-partisan reflection. Because history has shown us that I’ll just do it all again, anyway. So reflect on that.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Catholic stayed I”

William K. Wolfrum released this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“Having seen the love and admiration pouring from Conservative circles following Newt Gingrich’s conversion to Catholicism, I feel it is time for me to come forward with an admission - I am a Catholic. And I always have been.

Yes, my friends, I grew up in a Catholic household and jumped through all the hoops the Catholic Church have: I ate the wafers, I confessed whatever it is a 10-year-old has to confess, and I prayed to every deity they threw in front of me.

To take it even further, I was married in a Catholic Church and got all the officials stamps and check marks directly from Jesus. Or a Cardinal, or whatever. It was a dude in a robe is all I know.

This is why I currently demand that all the same conservatives that are now eager to wipe Gingrich’s slate clean give me the same respect and love. After all, here’s what they said about Newt:

‘From a Catholic point of view, Newt’s sins no longer exist - they’ve been absolved. He’s made a fresh start in life. So Newt will continue to sin and confess but there aren’t going to be a lot of Catholics who will hold that against him. They understand why being a Catholic makes a difference.’

Thus, having been a Catholic for 42 years now, I believe Catholics are ready to embrace me, as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sinner. And I will sin again. In fact, one of my biggest sins is very likely my complete disdain for the Catholic Church.

In the past, I’ve called the Catholic Church ‘evil,’ I’ve accused them of catering to Skinheads, I’ve envisioned a world where Jesus came back to Earth for the sole purpose of face-punching the Pope, and made a series of random attacks against Catholics.

And I personally guarantee I’ll be making these same attacks, as well as some much worse, in the future.

Nonetheless, despite my complete lack of faith, I am a far better Catholic than Gingrich. After all, I’ve never been divorced or cheated on my wife. I’m no expert, but that’s a big one, right? Better yet, I almost never covet. I’m quite content. Add to that the fact that I’m not rich - thus, unlike Gingrich, I won’t have to deal with that “eye of a needle” thing.

I have never renounced my Catholicism, despite the fact that I think it’s all a big scam. And being a Catholic makes all the difference. For this, I demand the same respect that Gingrich is receiving. Plus, I’d like Bill Donohue - one of the great douchebags in American history - to personally compliment me. After all, I confessed like a half-hour ago. And I was as honest about that as Gingrich is about converting.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I’ll take the hit on this one”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

Over the course of the past several months, I have received several thousand e-mails, cards, letters, a couple fruitcakes and a telegram from loyal readers all with the same concern - Why aren’t I, William K. Wolfrum, doing anything about the global financial crisis.

Being that I am not the type to shy away from a challenge, I am here now to say that I am ready to take action. Serious action.

Now, as I understand it, the entire global financial crisis was caused by unscrupulous poor people who scammed naive bankers in complicated home loan schemes. The plan went something like this - a poor person walks into a bank looking for a loan on a home they can’t afford. The young, enthusiastic bank people would then trust the poor people and give them a loan which the poor people should be able to easily pay back. Then, the cunning poor people would stop making payments on the loan, eventually losing the house and becoming even poorer. To put this more simply, the scam went like this:

1. Poor person gets home loan
2. Poor person defaults on loan.
3. Profit!

Now, after several years and several million of these types of loan scams, the banks are mired in debt and unwilling to loan anybody anything for anything. This has left the U.S. economy in shambles. And being that the U.S. is the only nation that really matters, the rest of the world is also being punished.

These days, the Obama Administration is looking at a wide variety of solutions for this economic problem. One such solution involves the government buying all bad debts from loans and holding them all in one extremely indebted government bank. As I see it, this was more or less the same strategy employed by Enron, which means it probably is infallible.

Nonetheless, this solution does have its problems, namely in regard to the value of the dollar. Because it’s quite possible that the rest of the world - tired of not mattering - will completely lose faith in the dollar, as well as lose faith in Americans’ abilities to handle said dollars. This would cause the dollar to lose almost all of its value, sending the U.S. into a Mad Max-type reality where anarchy reigns and motorcycles are cheap and plentiful.

So now we get to my plan: Give all the bad debts to me - William K. “Bad Bank” Wolfrum. This is the sacrifice I am willing to make to keep the U.S. strong and to keep other countries from mattering. Basically, what I’m asking is that all banks everywhere clean off their books and assign all debts to me. This will free up the credit market and only slightly lower my own credit rating.

Now, I realize this will likely but me $10 trillion or so in the hole. But, trust me on this, I know about being in debt, so I don’t really see this as a big problem. Plus, I have a simple plan to get myself out of this debt. One word - coupons.

Have you ever noticed how coupons have on them that they are worth 1/100th of a cent? Well that’s because that’s the law. They have to be worth something. Thus, if you send in 100 coupons to the manufacturer, they are legally required to give you a penny.

So my plan is thus: I will collect 100,000,000,000,000,000 coupons, send them in and repay my debt.

Aside from freeing up the credit market, this plan will also create jobs. Because I will need a lot of people to help me count and collect 100,000,000,000,000,000 coupons. Payment will be made in coupons, obviously, but as you can see, coupons are the most reliable investment in times like these.

Also, aside from clearing the credit markets and creating jobs, this plan will also help rid the world of otherwise-useless coupons for peanut products created by the Peanut Corporation of America. Being that peanuts can now kill you, coupons for things like peanut butter and peanut butter crackers are now unusable. Unless you send them to me.

This is my plan, and, trust me, it’s as good a plan as is out there today. So start collecting coupons and start sending them to the Bad Bank of Bill. With your help, I can save this great nation of ours, and keep the U.S. dollar from being as valuable as a coupon.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “These are just the birth pangs of socialism”

William K. Wolfrum released this statement to his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

“My fellow Americans, today we stand at a decisive moment in American history. As the Bush Administration works overtime to get the American people to funnel their money to inept financial corporations, many of you are having doubts and fears. But we will get through this. These are but the birth pangs of socialism. Soon, America’s failed financial giants will receive billions and billions of dollars. And then, we will be greeted as liberators.

Thank you and God Bless Wall Street.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I have serious Alaska cred - conservatives must show me the respect I deserve”

William K. Wolfrum released this statement to his supporters at 3:30 p.m.

“My friends, from the behind the fishbowl in which I view world events, let me say I applaud Senator John McCain for selecting Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as vice-presidential nominee. The outpouring of support for Palin has been fantastic. More importantly, however, the focus on her experiences as an Alaskan have been a wonderful development for myself.

So I now state this unequivocally: As someone with rock-solid Alaskan cred, it is time for conservatives to give me the respect, honor, and outright love that I so rightly deserve.

You see, friends, when I was but a lad of 21, I made the bold decision to leave my comfortable existence in Southern California to start a new life in Alaska. My experiences in Alaska were wide and varied:

The first winter I spent in Alaska was in 1988 and was the coldest the state had experienced in a generation with temperatures reaching 40-below zero.

I was a bouncer and bartender on Anchorage’s famed 4th Avenue. I worked both at the Gaslight Lounge, and the 515 Club, working with legendary bartenders like Steve Cook and Jiggs.

I traveled throughout the state of Alaska as a carny. Yes, I have spent time in Wasilla. Time enough (about two days) to experience all the town has to offer.

Like Sarah Palin’s husband Todd, I have been a commercial fisherman, and have spent more than 400 days at sea. I have spent time in Dutch Harbor and Unalaska and have even made a trip to a military base on the Aleutian chain to drop off an injured co-worker. I have killed fish by the million. And I have visible scars on my face and knee to always remind me of my time as a valued crew member on such vessels as the Alaska Pioneer.

I have fished for halibut in Kenai and for salmon in the Copper Valley. I was involved in a rescue attempt of a downed plane in Skagway. I have read the newspaper outside in Fairbanks by the light of the midnight sun. I have drank at the Red Dog Saloon in Juneau, the Salty Dawg Saloon in Homer and Chilkoot Charlie’s in Anchorage. I have spent time on the island of Kodiak. I have dated someone from Tuntutuliak (which is right down the river from Eek).

I have eaten caribou and seen wolves and moose within 20 feet on the streets of Anchorage. (I admit that I never hunted or shot a moose, but I have killed dear and antelope in Wyoming, so please take that into account).

It is time I get my just due from the right wing. It is time they come to me and acknowledge my rugged individualism, my experience and maverickishness. Because if being from Alaska is enough reason to elect someone as vice president, then it is more than enough reason to praise a liberal blogger. I await your admissions of awe and respect.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Sure, I’m a Satanist, what of it?”

Statement of William K. Wolfrum

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.:

First of all, I’d like to thank all of you for taking time out your day to read this. Since news of my acceptance of Satan as my One True Lord and Savior has come out, there’s been a great deal of hyperbole and outright falsehoods made of my beliefs and the group I have belonged to for the past 40 years. People question whether a Satan worshipper can be a blogger at a time like this. They question my beliefs as “cultish” and “demented” and “ghoulish” and “stupid” To those people, I just say this:

I am a blogger and I am a Satanist. But I am not a sum of my parts. Whether I am trying to blog about important political and social issues or drinking the blood of a newborn child at ritual in the woods back of the house, I am always doing my best.

And I will continue to do my best for my readers around the world. And I ask you all just to judge me for my work, and be aware that I have no plans on subtly seducing you all into the Dark Lord’s Sweet, Evil realm.

In the end, we are all one people. We are all striving for truth. And whether this life leads us all to an eternity of sucking the Flaming Cock of Eternal Damnation, or to Jesus’s feet, whatever. It’s the fact that you can have religion, or not have freedom or have freedom and have not the religion of freedom. Or something like that.

I know this goes against my previous statement that I was a Druid. That was a lie. All I can say in my defense is, well, I’m a Satanist.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “You’ve all been granted immunity”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.:

“I’d like to again thank you all for standing by me during these troubled times. Your friendship and support truly means the world to me. That is why, after a brief review with some lawyers, I’ve decided to grant each and every one of you immunity. You are all immune. From anything and everything. Starting now.

This grant of immunity should help give you all a clean start in life, and put all those pesky, and often unfounded judicial issues to rest. And while I’ve learned that I have no power to grant any of you immunity from anything, the fact is, once you’ve given immunity, you can’t take it away. So there.

Once again, I’d like to thank you all for your help. Thank you for doing the dirty work behind the scenes, even though you knew you were likely breaking laws and spitting on morality. You all stood tall and did what needed to be done.

So enjoy your immunity and don’t screw it up this time (ha ha).

Thank you again and God Bless.

I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.