William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Can’t Gitmo Satisfaction

November 18, 2010

The next Gitmo detainee patiently awaits his turn at justice.


OMG! Terrorists: Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani convicted on only one of 285 charges. That’s good enough for 20 years to life, of course, but expect to see Liz Cheney this weekend explaining why the American Justice system is an utter failure.

Gitmo Gaffe: Obama played Gitmo about as poorly as he could.

Socialism Works!: GM explodes back onto Wall Street.

Democracy Works!: Lisa Murkowski’s write-in voters steamroll Joe Miller in Alaska.

Assange in Trouble: The Swedish authorities want to talk to Wiki-Leaks mastermind Julian Assange about his involvement in a rape.

TSA Questions

“Is that a String hanging out your vagina or a fuse?”


Ewan McIntosh: What is a community? Let Ewan know.

Radar Online: Eva Longoria wasn’t quite enough for Tony Parker.

Stuart Shapiro: Warren Buffet sends his thanks to the government.

David Seaton: Haitian cholera: opening soon in theaters near you… not.

Outside the Beltway: Investigative journalism, RIP.


A tortured reality


William K. Wolfrum’s Morning: Fetus!

November 10, 2010

Wolfrum’s Word

Barbara Bush, former First Lady and Marie Antoinette without the memorability, had a miscarriage one day. Now, believing it to be a Human being, she did the only natural thing - she put it in a jar to show her sons.

Ok, and such revelations were far too tempting. Here’s what I came up with on Twitter:

[Read more]

Caption this photo: Arnold & Sly in Las Vegas

August 15, 2010

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone dine on the flesh of the poor while in Las Vegas.

Your turn.


Just thinking

May 27, 2010

Some thoughts:

  • If the current tension between North and South Korea had happened on the Bush Administration watch, the calls for war would be deafening from the Neo-Cons.
  • The U.S. Mens’ National Soccer Squad were thumped in their penultimate friendly before the World Cup. If you recall, however, in 1980, the USSR obliterated the U.S. hockey team in a Pre-Olympic friendly. Yeah, I’ll grasp.
  • I demand the arrest of Rachel Maddow after learning that she actually tortured Rand Paul on the air.
  • If an effort in the middle of the ocean called “Top Kill” doesn’t bring about a Godzilla, I’m afraid nothing will.
  • I think it’s quite possible that the mainstream media is catching on that Sarah Palin is not a serious person. To their credit, they did figure out that Glenn Beck was a needless distraction a while back.
  • Are we really this close to a Celtics-Lakers NBA Final? You know, that’s kind of exciting.
  • I’d love to see Rashad Evans beat the hell out of Rampage Jackson on Saturday.
  • Of it’s many problems, one that stands out for Libertarianism is the fact that there’s always a group More Libertarian. Like any belief system, there are stages to Libertarianism. There’s the majority - people who don’t want to pay taxes. Then there are fundamentalists, who basically want Capitalist and Social Anarchy.
  • Even more so than Communism - which is saying something - True Libertarianism is an unobtainable ideological fantasy. It doesn’t even look that good on paper.


The Bush Administration’s reasoning for torture, by Quentin Tarantino

September 5, 2009

The Bush Administration’s reasoning for torture, and the right-wing’s reasoning for supporting it, perfectly summarized by Quentin Tarantino and Mr. Blonde:

Now where were we?

I told you I don’t know anything
about any fucking set up. I’ve
only been on the force eight
months, nobody tells me anything!
I don’t know anything! You can
torture me if you want-

-Thanks, don’t mind if I do.

Your boss even said there wasn’t a
set up.

First off, I don’t have a boss.
Are you clear about that?

He SLAPS the cop’s face.

I asked you a question. Are you
clear about that?


Now I’m not gonna bullshit you. I
don’t really care about what you
know or don’t know. I’m gonna
torture you for awhile regardless.
Not to get information, but
because torturing a cop amuses me.
There’s nothing you can say,
there’s nothing you can do.
Except pray for death.


Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I Shall Torture with More Humanity”

August 25, 2009

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, my history as a torturer has been well chronicled. I remain unapologetic for my actions. I have done whatever necessary to protect myself, my family and my fellow bloggers. As we are all aware, sometimes difficult times require not only difficult decisions, but also the ability to use difficult-to-handle tools such as drills and vice grips.

Nonetheless, civil liberty types have made it clear that, on occasion, these acts of torture against my blood-thirsty, inhuman enemies have crossed moral guidelines. I have heard these complaints, and I am deeply moved by how some have such deep caring for the hateful, Godless animals that oppose me.

With this in mind, I have set forth a new plan of attack. Yes, I will continue to torture the pig-dogs that oppose me. But I will do so in a more humane way. I will torture with compassion.

First off, I will continue to abduct my soulless enemies and drag them here to Brazil in order to humanely torture them. But there will be more stringent guidelines. I will now closely monitor the pain I deliver to these psychotic monsters. I believe this will satisfy those who have criticized me.

Also, I hereby announce a full investigation of torture that has occurred under my name. You see, with so many disgusting swine out there for me to torture, I sometimes have to outsource. And on occasion, I have outsourced this torture to rogues who have gone too far. I shall investigate these incidents. While my lawyers have made it clear that I have every right to maim and cripple the disgusting vermin that oppose me, these small-time renegades that have pushed the envelope and practiced improper torture techniques. They will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

My friends, we are living in a time of change. A time of compassion. A time when we all need to come together. Because of this, I will take the steps necessary to torture properly, under the stringent guidelines that the U.S. has set forth. Throughout my history, I have been an International proponent for human rights and have voiced opposition to torture and mistreatment of prisoners by foreign countries. This is why I shall now torture with the humanity that my enemies clearly don’t deserve.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel on this matter.”


One-Liner: Tortured attention span

June 12, 2009

That national debate on torture ran out of steam pretty quickly, didn’t it?


Matt Taibbi: Obama Must Reject Bush’s Dictator Policies

June 10, 2009

Why are more and more of George W. Bush’s policies becoming Barack Obama’s policies? Matt Taibbi explains:

The recent haggling over Guantanamo Bay is such classic Democratic Party politics, it almost makes you want to laugh. Almost, except that it’s, you know, revolting. Eight years of Clintonian squirming was bad enough, but now we have Barack Obama, smoking Habeas Corpus and not inhaling it.

Why is the Gitmo decision classic Democratic Party thinking? Because when certain of us said we wanted Gitmo closed, we sort of meant a change in policy — we didn’t mean just physically closing the plant, moving the prisoners elsewhere, and leaving the policies essentially unchanged. This is what this generation of Democrats does every time: every time they come to a fork in the road, they try to take it.

There’s always some sort of semantic twist involved with their policies, an asterisk, some kind of leprechaun trick to get around doing the simple right thing. They’re all for gay rights, and then once the lights come on, they’ve basically codified the closet by ushering in Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

They campaign against the war in Iraq, promise to get us out, and say they were against it all along — and then once they get in power, they start using words like eventually and in 4-6 years and once the situation stabilizes. Later it turns out that what they meant by being against the war all along was their conviction that we should have invaded on a Thursday instead of a Tuesday, or some such bullshit.

Read the whole thing here. And take a look at how civilized countries deal with accused terrorists by taking a look at Glenn Greenwald’s latest.


QOTD: Rendition, schmendition

June 8, 2009

“Look, we could go into a whole debate about renditions, and so on. I think you’ll find that the Obama government is going to continue [with them] in certain circumstances anyway. It’s only ever journalists who ask me questions about issues like that. It’s not an issue [with people] out there.” - Tony Blair on rendition, torture and whatever other nonsensical trivialities journalists bug him about.


Mechanical bull riding is torture, insists attention-seeking blogger

June 3, 2009

I’d heard about the “mechanical bull riding torture” controversy, and laughed off any suggestion that it was torture. So when I was challenged to ride a mechanical bull*, I was excited to show that their case was bull …

… Torture. Absolutely. I had ridden a mechanical bull as a child and this was far worse than that. It’s torture. That’s really all I can say.

*Taken in Belo Horizonte. The bride in the video is my sister-in-law Laura Arantes. The video was shot by independent filmmaker Emilia Arantes Wolfrum.


The great Mancow waterboarding hoax?

May 28, 2009

Check out these two videos. The first is Christopher Hitchens being waterboarded for a Vanity Fair story:

And the second is Erich “Mancow” Muller being waterboarded for his radio show:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Now head on over to Gawker and read their exclusive evidence that Mancow’s great waterboarding stunt was all a hoax. My take? Gawker’s information is interesting, but it comes from an unnamed source, so it does need to be viewed with skepticism.


How to handle American’s problem with Gitmo and torture once and for all

May 22, 2009

Just forget it ever happened

Both Republicans and Democrats have made it clear that they are more than willing to leave the inmates at Guantanamo Bay there forever. They’ve also made it abundantly clear that the issue of U.S. torture is one they’d just rather avoid altogether. So look into the the Neuralizer and smile, because only through ignorance can we become whole again.


Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “My heroin addiction has kept America safe”

May 21, 2009

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his followers at 3 p.m.

“My friends, when the terrorists struck us on 9/11, everything changed. We became a fearful nation desperate for leadership and direction. No one knew when the next attack would occur or where. Some resorted to torture, others to randomly bombing countries that hadn’t actually attacked us, but could at some point. Basically, everyone resorted to some type of mechanism to help control their fears.

Which is why I’m not ashamed to say that I fought my fears of imminent death by terrorist by shooting up enough heroin to make Kurt Cobain stop in his tracks and say “Damn, that dude shoots a lot of heroin.

Thus, as most of you are well aware, I have spent the past 2,809 days in the delicious fog of a heroin high. Because as each day passed, it became evident that the attacks by Atomic-bomb-nippled Islamic terrorists had ceased.

Now, there are many out there that treat my usage of heroin with a faux outrage that borders on the absurd. They’ll say that it’s “illegal” or claim I’m an “addict” or a “junkie.” They’ll say I “steal” to afford heroin or that I “sell my body” or that I occasionally “murder” a drug dealer to steal his stash.

In a strictly quotational sense, I suppose they are correct. But they are not seeing the big picture. Because in the nearly 3,000 days since I started traveling around with my monkey, there has not been one attack on U.S. soil by Doomsday-Device-carrying Islamic terrorists. So, am I saying that my out-of-control heroin addiction has kept this nation safe? Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying.

You see, every time I shoot heroin, delicious, life-affirming heroin, I am keeping you safe. Yes, you. That is why it is insane for me to even consider stopping. Because if there’s one thing the terrorists truly understand and fear, it’s one guy shooting up enough heroin to drop a rhino in its tracks.

Sure, I could have taken the easy way out. I could have not shot heroin. But that would leave us as a nation exposed to attacks that would make 9/11 look like a firecracker accident. No, I chose to take the fight to the terrorists. I went on the offensive. I went to a guy named Rick downtown and started my fight. My glorious, orgasmic fight.

So let me just make this clear to all you liberals out there who chose to react to 9/11 by “doing things” and “getting closer to your families” - my patriotism is not to be impugned by you weak-willed non-heroin shooters who have lost the intensity to continue this fight against nuclear-armed terrorists who are just waiting to strike. Those of you who have not shot heroin are awaiting your comeuppance in the form of a mushroom cloud. Not I. I am a true patriot, and with each fix, I do my part to fight this global menace.

Some may say that the price I have paid is too high. That I’m “poor” and “homeless” and “smell like hell” and that my “liver just imploded.” Some will even go so far as to say I’ve emboldened terrorists by having them believe that we are a nation of “heroin addicts.”

All I have to say to you naysayers is - scoreboard. I have shot heroin for 2,809 consecutive days and we have not been attacked for 2,809 days. In the end, my only concern is the safety of each and every American citizen. I shoot heroin only for you, not for any other purpose. I love this country, and if shooting the junk straight into my groin because my veins have collapsed will keep it safe, so be it.

Barack Obama and the U.S. government could easily release documents proving my case, but they refuse solely out of a political agenda. They are afraid to show the proof that I have kept this nation safe, because they follow pre-9/11 thinking that shooting heroin is “bad” and that I’m a danger to “society.” But one day those secret documents will come to light. And I believe history will judge me well. They will see that I was a man willing to go to any extreme to keep this nation safe.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have spiders crawling all over me and need to go give some dude a “handjob” so I can afford another fix. Just know that I’m doing it for you.

Thank you for your time, and I have retained counsel on this matter.”


Jesse Ventura body slams torture apologists

May 18, 2009

Elizabeth Hasselbeck mimics the talking points of torture apologists to veteran Jesse Ventura on “The View.” And Ventura just obliterates each and every one. Sure, it wasn’t a fair fight, but if he was to debate Dick “Deferment” Cheney, Ventura would leave him looking just as inept and stupid as he did Hasselbeck. Reality always trumps blind ideology.


Shock and Amen: Let the War on God commence in full

May 16, 2009

It wasn’t long ago that we all celebrated our final, decisive victory in the War on Christmas. Once we saw that Fox News had taken to using the world “Holiday” repeatedly, it had become official. The dreaded scourge that was Christmas had once and for all been destroyed.

Of course, the celebration was kept to a minimum. That’s because we have bigger things in mind. Unfortunately, our secret plans have been made public by former White House spokesman Tony Snow. Now, the world is aware of the next stage of our battle.

So now it is time to commence the War on God.

Yes, God, who has brought us nothing but pain and suffering, and who has allowed humans to create WMDs is now in our cross hairs. And while we realize that God is a worthy foe, it is time to bring the battle to It. If we are ever to rid the world of violence, faith and WMDs, God must be destroyed. And with malice. Because if we don’t bring God down in horrific fashion, another God will just pop up to take Its place.

It is time for Operation Heaven Storm.

Many will feel its foolish to go after God, but God has shown time and time again that It is a mass-murdering megalomaniac that demands utter submission to Its will. A modern, enlightened society can not allow this God to continue unabated. It must be destroyed, once and for all. Only then can we move on to other targets.

Operation Heaven Storm will be the greatest secular military strike in the history of the Universe. It is a multiple-staged plan that will not just destroy God, but humiliate and humble It.

First comes the air attack. Using a tactic of Shock and Amen, we will carpet bomb heaven with specially made Heaven-busting tactical nukes. This will immediately show God and his minions that we mean business. After two to three months of non-stop bombing, we will send in ground troops. While many say God is omnipotent, we figure the tactical nuke attack will soften It up quite a bit. We will then hunt down God like the mangy dog It is.

Once God is in U.S. custody, we will immediately have someone punch it right in the face. Then we will spit on it and call It names.

Then the interrogation will begin. You see, God knows things. It knows a lot of things. Hell, It knows Everything. And we will squeeze every last ounce of information from God, one way or another.

God will then be sent via secret air service to Romania, where the full interrogation will begin. First, we will leave God naked in a cold cell for weeks at a time, while repeatedly playing the song “We Will Rock You” by Queen. God’s only interaction will be when guards throw freezing cold water on It. Also, twice a day interrogators will hurl insults at God, attach its genitalia to electrodes and shock them, and tell It that we will torture and murder both Jesus and the Virgin Mary unless he cooperates.

We expect God to put up a fight, however. The War on God will not be pretty, but it will be effective. We will send attack dogs at God four times a day, then smear feces all over God’s face, then sexually humiliate God in a variety of ways.

Then the waterboarding will begin, and continue until God finally breaks, spilling all the secrets to the universe, while sobbing and pissing itself.

Then, based on his multiple crimes against humanity, God, sans lawyer, will be taken to a military tribunal, where he will undoubtedly be found guilty and sentenced to death. God will then be left naked in a freezing cold cell for three more months, until we finally put a bullet in the back of It’s head. We will then decapitate God and stick It’s head on a stick in front of the shattered remains of Heaven. This will warn any and all other gods that we mean business and are not to be trifled with.

Then, and only then can we live in peace. The War on God will be won, and we will all rejoice.

God has said that It created humans in It’s own image. Therefore, as a humanoid, it is necessary that God be punished for its crimes. There would be no WMD if there were no God. There would be no terrorists. There would be no pedophile priests. These are creations of God. And it is time that It paid the price.

The War on God will not be easy, and we will suffer casualties, make no mistake. But in the end, we will win, and God will be no more. This monumental victory will be short lived, however, because God’s total destruction will lead to the next, much more difficult step in our agenda - Universal Health Care.


Previously posted at Shakesville, Dec. 2007

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