I support the Egyptian protests - provided it doesn’t affect me

January 31, 2011

Having watched events unfold in Egypt this past week, I must say I am impressed by the bravery and strength of will shown by the Egyptian people. They are standing tall against a dictatorial regime, and that is to be applauded.

However, I am not quite certain yet if Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak should step down. Because, while I understand he runs a repressive regime with little to no care about basic human rights, this is not a black and white issue. There are many unanswered questions still, with the main one being - how does it affect me?

You see, should Mubarak leave power, someone else will take his place, and whoever that is may not have my best interests at heart. Until I know the answer to that, I cannot give the Egyptian protesters my support, or get behind their push to oust Mubarak.

There are many issues affecting me in Egypt. First off, the Muslim Brotherhood. Now, I’m not sure what they are or what they do, but just the name is horrifying. The word “Muslim” scares me. The word “Brotherhood” scares me. Combine these two words and I must say, I’m terrified enough to wet myself repeatedly.

There’s also the travel situation. You see, one day I might be interested in visiting Egypt. How does the current protest affect that desire? Will airline tickets go up? Will I need an extra visa? Will the flights to Egypt be smooth, or turbulent? Will the dollar be strong? These issues yet need to be clarified.

There’s also the news situation. This past week has seen nearly non-stop coverage of Egypt, often interfering with important things for me, such as watching Piers Morgan interview a gaggle of Kardashians. Unless Egyptians can guarantee this sort of thing won’t happen again, it’s impossible for me to support them.

And I won’t even get into the turmoil I’m currently going through wondering if I can still enjoy the song “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In the end, let me reiterate how impressed I am with the Egyptian people. I’m sure they deserve a chance to control their own government and their own destiny. They just need to make sure it doesn’t affect me too much.


Sarah Palin: This just isn’t funny anymore

January 27, 2011

A while back, I wrote a post entitled “Sarah Palin will always be funny. Always!” In it, I had this to say:

“I am shocked and offended that there are those out there that will say they are ’sick of Sarah Palin jokes.’”

Yesterday, here’s how Palin countered Obama’s use of the “Sputnik Moment” analogy in his State of the Union Address:

“Yeah, they won, but they also incurred so much debt at the time, that it resulted in the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union.”

Yes, Sarah Palin - one-time Vice-Presidential nominee and Governor of Alaska - said that Sputnik (launched in 1957) brought down the USSR.

In my “Sarah Palin is always funny” blog post, I wrote this:

“Seriously, Palin is a non-stop roller coaster through funny town … and I’m never getting off.”

I was wrong. I’m getting off now. I’m not even going to bother with her use of “WTF.” Palin’s just too pathetic a creature to laugh at anymore.


Vital information for Americans about Egypt

January 26, 2011

Egypt on map

There. Now you can find it on a map.

You can find out more about the protests in Egypt and the U.S. response here, or follow the breaking news on Twitter with the #Jan25 hashtag. Or just be happy that you now know where it is.


State of the Union: Rebuttal from Undecided Voters

January 26, 2011

Hey everyone!

First, let me thank the Undecided Voters who have asked me to give this rebuttal - which is like a speech thing I’m told and is important.  Anyway, President Barack Obama’s was talking last night was on a bunch of channels I’m told. I saw a little of it and thought Obama’s tie was weird, but it probably meant something really important, I guess.

What’s interesting is that the State of the Union address was held on such an important day - when the Oscar nominations were announced. First off, like many of you, I’m not sure what “Inception” was all about. I mean, a dream in a dream in a dream? What was that? Leo was really good, tho.

“Toy Story 3″ was nominated and I think that’s awesome. It was really sweet. Oh, speaking of sweet, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this video before:

Did you see that? Charlie bit his finger! That’s just hilarious. And did you know they are making another “Charlie’s Angels Movie?” How awesome is that? I’m stoked.

I just saw that Kourtney Kardashian and Scott may have another baby. Don’t do it, Kourt! He’s a jerk! She needs to be more like Snooki, who is totally awesome and wouldn’t take that kind of stuff from a guy.

As for the politics stuff, my Uncle said that Obama sucks and that he’s a communist, whatever that is. But it seems really bad, so whenever the election is, you probably shouldn’t vote for him, unless you want to because he’s totally cute. Better yet, stay home because there’s probably an episode of “Real Housewives of Wherever” and those girls are CRAZY!

Oh, and if Judd is reading this, I’m thinking of getting my nose pierced. That would rule. And dude, you better be rooting for the Steelers like you said. I have a cousin from Pittsburgh and he’s really into football.

Anyway, bye!


If CNN and Erick Erickson can call for Mass Bloodshed, then so can I!

January 24, 2011

Before I start this blog post, let me make one thing absolutely clear - I do not, under any circumstance, advocate armed insurrection against the United States. That, my friends, is totally not my scene.

But I am a man of contradictions. Like Erick Erickson of CNN. The honored founder of the patriotic Red State blog, CNN’s Erickson agrees with me about unveiling the full force of blog readers against the government. But Erickson makes exceptions, especially when it comes to laws of the land he doesn’t support. I will let Mr. Erickson take it from here:

Here at RedState, we too have drawn a line. We will not endorse any candidate who will not reject the judicial usurpation of Roe v. Wade and affirm that the unborn are no less entitled to a right to live simply because of their size or their physical location. Those who wish to write on the front page of RedState must make the same pledge. The reason for this is simple: once before, our nation was forced to repudiate the Supreme Court with mass bloodshed. We remain steadfast in our belief that this will not be necessary again, but only if those committed to justice do not waiver or compromise, and send a clear and unmistakable signal to their elected officials of what must be necessary to earn our support.

Erickson - a devout pretend Christian - is so adamantly against the rule of law in the United States, that he is ready to lead his band of reasonable, well-adjusted and well-armed followers to certain death while causing the deaths of others if he can not personally overturn Roe v. Wade and be known throughout history as the man who overturned Roe v. Wade.

It makes me proud that CNN’s Erickson has the strength of will to encourage anonymous blog users to commit acts of mass bloodshed in order to bolster his stature as “the Voice of CNN.” This is a man of standards. A man of beliefs. A man CNN pays to be on TV to give opinions.

Thinking about this, I realized that I would send my anonymous readers to their death in a flailing, unorganized orgy of chaos against the United States government, as well. But only for things that I mostly stand for, or at very least for things that will enhance my reputation amongst people who will enrich me in the future, like say Fox News, or Comcast MSNBC.

Thus, I have taken stands against these things, which, for the purpose of this blog post, really mean a lot to me:

Reinstitute the Baker’s Dozen: 12 doughnuts is just not enough. We all deserve 13 or it’s Mass Bloodshed.

Reinstitute the Three-Fifths Compromise: Hey, I’m not trying to be insensitive here. But the FOUNDING FATHERS put this in the U.S. Constitution. And they were always right about everything. So reinstate Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the United States Constitution or Mass Bloodshed.

Make Screaming “Fire!” in a crowded theater Legal: The right to terrify people into creating a stampede leading to injury and death is guaranteed in the U.S. Constituition. Mass Bloodshed awaits should this not be overturned.

Take Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi off the market: Seriously, the stuff is crap. Recall it now, or Mass Bloodshed.

Make Donna Hansen, who I went to High School with, admit she was wrong in rejecting me and have her go out to dinner and a movie with me: Where’s Mr. Football Star Chad now!??! And I mean it, she better act like she likes me and not call me names again, or Mass Bloodshed.

That’s just a small part of my list. I also want OxyContin legalized (or Mass Bloodshed), and Snickers to make their friggin’ candy bars bigger (or Mass Bloodshed) and a whole host of other things (or Mass Bloodshed).

My friends, people I respect and could pay me money believe in these things, so I do, too. And I demand - DEMAND - you gather your arms and fight this tyrannical government! Remember, I would never - NEVER - call for Mass Bloodshed. Except for the above cases. And anything else I’m told to be outraged about. Then, oh baby, Mass Bloodshed.

It comes down to this - an official representive of CNN is calling for Mass Bloodshed for something that may or may not even actually matter to him. Thus, CNN is calling for Mass Bloodshed. And when CNN calls for Mass bloodshed, you listen.

And hopefully you’ll listen to me as well. Thanks, and remember our PayPal donation button is at the upper right of this page. Donate what you can. Or, you know,  Mass Bloodshed.



January 24, 2011

In a short matter of time, Conservative thinkers have leaped completely over Libertarianism and moved on to full-fledged Nihilism. The New York Times’ Ross Douthat leads the charge:

After all, what ultimately ails the world is its inherent imperfectibility — its fallen character, if you’re a Christian; its irreducible complexity and tendency toward entropy and dissolution, if you’re a strict materialist. This is true on all the great issues of the day. No matter how many lives may be saved or lost because of health care policy, no lives will be saved forever, and every gain will be an infinitely modest hedge against the wasting power of disease and death. No matter the wisdom of our politicians or the sagacity of their economic advisors, no policy course can guarantee universal wealth or permanent economic growth. And no matter the temperature of our discourse, the state of our gun laws, or the quality of our mental health care, nothing human beings do can prevent the occasional madman from shooting up a crowded parking lot.

Needless to say, DougJ at Balloon Juice didn’t find this a valid argument.

This is what I find so infuriating about conservative would-be intellectuals, the constant fall back positions. We all start from the normal starting point for argument “I think my policy will work better than yours.” When conservatives’ arguments seem weaker, there’s always the Brooksian “the limits of human knowledge means we can’t say whose will work better”, which is pathetic enough. Douthat’s “who cares which policy worked better because no policy will achieve world peace and universal immortality” represents a new low, one that I never thought would be reached in my lifetime.

There are multiple ways of looking at this argument. But it wouldn’t make any difference anyway, so to hell with it.


Noted William K. Wolfrum blog source Tim Johnson missing

January 20, 2011

Tim Johnson and the bear

TUPELO, MISS — Tim Johnson - a vital source to journalist and blogger William K. Wolfrum - has been declared missing after disappearing a week ago following a camping excursion. Johnson, 43, was last seen doing arm curls with a baby bear last Friday. His whereabouts are currently unknown.

Johnson has been a featured source in numerous blog posts by Wolfrum, including:

When reached for comment, Wolfrum conveyed his concern and sadness.

“This is just awful news,” said Wolfrum, clearly aggrieved. “Now I need to come up with another fictional character name. This is really a tragedy.”

Good bye Tim


Pope John Paul II’s final miracle - making child molestation seem like no big deal

January 19, 2011

VATICAN - Pope John Paul II will be beatified on May 1, after Vatican officials judged that the deceased pontiff’s ability to make child molestation and sexual abuse charges seem like no big deal was officially a miracle.

“You’d think people would care that the Pope knew full well that Catholic priests who were molesting kids were protected,” said Vatican spokesman Father Oliver O’Grady.“Turns out, no one seems to care. It’s a miracle!”

Many credit both John Paul II and current Pope Benedict XVI with helping to turn things around for the Catholic Church, which had faced a public relations nightmare after thousands of people had come forward claiming Catholic priests had molested them as children. The two pontiffs worked overtime to squash and cover up many of these claims, as well as to make pedophilia seem akin to a speeding ticket.

“Take it from me, I would have thought that molesting hundreds of vulnerable children would be a big problem, both for me and the Catholic church,” said Cardinal Roger Mahony. “Turns out, not so much.”

Those seeking sainthood for John Paul II have mounted a hard campaign to enhance the former Pope’s reputation. The final blow came recently, when they convinced Catholic followers that pedophilia was the in thing in the 1970s.

“Everyone was doing it, man,” said O’Grady. “It was the scene.”

Once beatified, John Paul II will become known as the Patron Saint of Pedophiles. He will be the first new saint since he himself beatified Saint Mother Teresa, who is now the Patron Saint of Condoms Will Give You AIDS.



Answering the Stupidest Questions: Do Dead Cows Mean Biblical Prophecy is coming true?

January 18, 2011

Hello everyone, and welcome to today’s episode of “Answering the Stupidest Questions.”


Today, Time Magazines dares to ask the question ringing in hardly anyone’s mind: “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?”

Regardless of the outcome of those necropsies, plenty of people find the herd’s mysterious death somewhat apocalyptic, especially in the wake of events that claimed the lives of thousands of birds and fish in Arkansas, and hundreds of birds in Sweden, Louisiana and Kentucky.

Some Christians, including online theologian Paul Begley in Indiana, believe the animal deaths were divined from above as a sign the end of days is approaching.

So, the question: “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?”

Answer: Of course not, you feeble, pandering morons.

That’s all for today, join us next week when we answer a question from young Billy O’Reilly, who asks “Being that tides are scientifically unexplainable, is it God?”

Thank you and good night!



The Love of a Dog in Brazil

January 17, 2011

caramelo- a dog's love

A story of a dog’s dedication to its family, following their deaths last week in Brazil. Translated from Fohla.com:

The former street-dog Caramelo helped rescue the bodies of its owners, whose were killed during last week’s rains, then did not want to leave the makeshift grave of his owner.

It lived with its owner, Cristina Cesário Maria Santana, and three other people in a house of the Caleme quarter, one of the most devastated in Teresópolis. The house was destroyed and the family died. The dog escaped, but dug for them until finding them.

When the rescue teams arrived, Caramelo guided them to the bodies. Caramelo was rescued, but did not want to leave the grave of its owner and now he is very depressed and needy.

The deaths due to the rains are a true tragedy, but this is more or less an annual occurrence in Brazil, where millions live in sub-standard housing with scant building regulations. When the rains come every year at this time of year, people die as a result. This year, the count is at more than 600 lost lives.

With the strongest economy in its history, and two major international events (The 2014 World Cup and 2016 Summer Olympics) coming to the nation, it’s time for Brazil to protect its citizens with the same passion and dedication as Caramelo. Because the rain will always come, but the deaths can be prevented.

Update: Caramelo has a new home.


Scientists discover that no matter how many guns you own, your penis will remain small and insignificant

January 14, 2011

SWEDEN - After a full decade of research, a team of Swedish scientists has confirmed that no matter how many guns a man owns, his penis will remain small and insignificant.

“Ve look at ze mens wit ze guns and ve look at ze penis of zeese mens,” said Dr. Sven Svenenberg of the Svenlandia Institute. “Itz veery zad. Ze penis is so wee.”

The research looked at 300 average American men who owned multiple guns. Those 300 were then weighed, measure, and found wanting. Following that, the men were then encouraged to buy even more guns over the next year. They were then were then weighed and measured again, and found wanting even more.

“Ze penis iz so wee, still,” said Dr. Svenenberg in an accent that no one could really identify. “Iz almozt of no uze. Like a wee pinkie toe.”

American scientist Tim Johnson said the research proved what has long been suspected - that owning guns for hunting and self-protection is generally a lie and that most men buy guns because they feel it will be an extension of their manhood.

“We’ve known this all along. We call it the ‘Glenn Beck Effect,’” said Johnson from his home office in Tupelo, Miss. “Not long ago, a Wikileaks document emerged showing a naked picture of Beck. Dude’s hung like a pimple on a pimple. Then all of a sudden you start seeing the guy show up holding guns.”

Still, some have called the research misleading. Ron Schmeits, President of the NRA said that the problem was that the men in the research sample were not encouraged to buy enough guns.

“These small men will get larger if they own more guns,” said Schmeits, handing out checks to Republican congressmen on the steps of the nation’s capital. “They need pistols and shotguns and guns that have guns attached to them and guns that shoot guns. That will fix them right up.”

But Dr. Svenenberg stood by his research.

“Zey are so wee, it’z almozt to make me to laugh,” said Dr. Svenenberg. “But no. I don’t to laugh. Iz zad. Zo veery zad.”


A speech in Tucson

January 13, 2011


In what was the most moving speech of his Presidency, Barack Obama gave the people of Tucson and the U.S. what they needed most - a commanding presence, comforting words and hope.

The Left was energized, the Extreme-Right was angry that the tragedy-struck people in Tucson applauded (while others on the Right were encouraged) and Sarah Palin left herself more marginalized than ever.

And Speaker of the House John Boehner went to a fundraiser.

But this was for the victims and Tucson. And the President showed us once again the promise of his leadership.

What say you?


Sarah Palin & Republicans Count the Minutes Until They Can Use Violent Rhetoric Again

January 11, 2011

Sad SarahThose inside Sarah Palin’s inner circle have come forward to admit the ex-Governor of Alaska was truly heartbroken over the recent massacre in Arizona.

“Sarah is destroyed.” said a Palin Associate. “She had a new ad with her holding a hunting rifle to Obama’s head. It’s a great ad. And harmless. But now she just can’t use it.

“And now that her show has been cancelled, we can’t have someone drug up a caribou for her to shoot.,” added the source. “These are dire times.”

Palin is just one of many Republicans facing a new dilemma caused by the shooting. That dilemma being “When can we go back to using violent rhetoric? We got nothing else.”

Timothy Johnson, a political analyst in Tupleo, Miss., said the Republicans will need to retool their message and make it even simpler while many Americans are too sensitive to violent rhetoric following the shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and murder of six others at the hands of Jared Loughner.

“Just repeat ‘Tax Cuts’ over and over,” advised Johnson, who said it should be at least one more week until violent rhetoric is safe to use again. “Don’t even try using other words. You’ll just screw it up.”

For some, however, the week of waiting may prove too much.

“Sarah decide to write a Facebook post all about Jesus, but before long she was just talking about how liberals should be stoned to death” said the Palin source. “She’s the victim here.”



Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, Jared Lee Loughner, Arizona Massacre coverage around the Web

January 10, 2011

As the big news agencies initially fumbled the Arizona Massacre story by reporting that Rep. Gabrielle Giffords had been killed by shooter Jared Lee Loughner, online news has shown its strength with numerous takes on the shooting, as well as breaking information.

Here are some stories you may be interested in from around the Web:

“Exclusive: Loughner Friend Explains Alleged Gunman’s Grudge Against Giffords” (Mother Jones)

“At 2:00 a.m. on Saturday—about eight hours before he allegedly killed six people and wounded 14, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.), in Tucson—Jared Lee Loughner phoned an old and close friend with whom he had gone to high school and college. The friend, Bryce Tierney, was up late watching TV, but he didn’t answer the call. When he later checked his voice mail, he heard a simple message from Loughner: ‘Hey man, it’s Jared. Me and you had good times. Peace out. Later.’” … Read More.

“Thoughts Upon the Murder of Chief Judge John Roll, and the Shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords” (Articleman, Dagblog)

You can’t stop hatred, you can’t stop craziness, but you can stand against it.  We have to reinvent the centrality of that in American public life.” … Read More.

“Eliminationist rhetoric and the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords: There were plenty of precursors” (David Niewert, Crooks & Liars)

“It can happen, in fact, because conservatives so thoughtlessly and readily use violent eliminationist rhetoric when talking about “liberals” (to wit: anyone who is not a conservative). They will adamantly deny it, of course, but the cold reality is that this kind of talk creates permission for angry and violent people to act it out.” … Read More.

“On Extreme Right And Left” (Andrew Sullivan)

“When you put a politician in literal cross-hairs, when you call her a target, when you celebrate how many targets you have hit, when you go on national television and shoot guns, when you use the language of “lock and load” to describe disagreements over healthcare provision … you are part of the problem.” … Read More.

Also, a quick search of Twitter for the name “Giffords” will lead you to plenty of links, conversations and plenty of unpleasantness.

Please leave any links in comments to stories you recommend.


America’s Greatest Marxist

January 7, 2011

Groucho always knew the score …

  • A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Quotes found here.


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